Compiled & edited by: Cat Stlats and Em Fring

Ahem… If we could have everyone’s attention. We here at BNN are— well, you saw that Supernova, how do you think we are? So, we are out a Sun(Sun), back to the Unwins-Losing-Is-Winning shenanigans of years past. You might be wondering why we even are attempting to rank teams that may or may not be alive by the end of the season. We’ve been wondering too.

But we are BNN. This is what we do, Wins or Unwins, Suns or no Suns. So enjoy the Season 24 Power Rankings, because this might be the last time they look like this.

24: Boston Flowers 🌹 [-1]

Hubris Levels: Low

Boston lost our Subtractor Jaylen Hotdogfingers to the Vault this season, which is good, but we lost Glabe Moon thanks to Vault Swap with Sutton Bishop taking their place.

After 10 long seasons, Sutton Picklestein once again accidentally found their way into Boston’s Lineup after being Returned to play in the Semi-Centennial. Returned Squirrels player Jada Frederick decided to join them, landing in Boston’s Rotation.

Last season saw Boston steal a few powerful players out of other teams’ Shadows, but our Rotation is still in shambles with Campos Aria and Jada Frederick holding onto spots that Gloria Bugsnax and Underhanded Lowe Forbes are desperate to fill as soon as they get the chance. With Wild Low as powerful as ever, the Flowers will struggle to pick up Wins against their stronger counterparts.

On the other hand, if Jada is faxed out and then Voicemailed onto the Lineup, Boston will suddenly have a long line of good batters backed up by a powerful rotation. If Boston manages to fax out Campos and Jada quickly, then Boston will have a chance to compete— but it might be too little too late at that point.

Expect to see Boston fall into the Underbracket again and be eliminated in the first round for being too strong. Truly, this is the Curse of Wild Low.

Hang on I’m getting a memo. paper shuffling noises muffled noises of acknowledgment

I’ve just been informed that Sun(Sun) is destroyed.

Good News Everyone! The Boston Flowers will now be officially too good for the Overbracket! Huzzah! Okay, bad news is the Overbracket will be the bad teams this time. Ah well.

We’re the Flowers!


23: Hawai’i Fridays 🏝 [-5]

Hubris Levels: High

Tide comes in. Tide goes out.

The Hawai’i Fridays were worse than you thought last Season, with a very inflated Win record from Black Holes and Sun 30s. The Hawai’i Fridays were better than you thought last Season, sweeping themselves out of the Underbracket against a Pies team that was two Wins away from the two seed in the Over.

The Ratification of Fax Machine helped tune up the Rotation after last Season’s Alternation spree. Unfortunately, ace pitcher Don Mitchell couldn’t turn down one last job during the semi-centennial and was left holding the bag in the Vault after a Heist gone wrong. As such, this team is not going to be very good at Blaseball next Season.

Now to address the elephant in the room, the much anticipated new addition to the Fridays roster with a very familiar name. I’m talking of course about new pitcher Itsuki Winner, who finally got Faxed in, granting the team another winner (by name) to follow fan-favorite former Friday Jacob Winner.

Kidding aside, there is another new addition with a storied splorts history who roamed to the Fridays this Election. None other than Alejandro Leaf, a Snackrifice veteran fresh off an Evolution with the reigning champs, will be writing another chapter in their storied career.

Fine. No more jokes. As much as it burns, we must not avert our eyes from the Son.

Parker MacMillan Super Roamed to the Fridays. The Firewalker is due to Roam again on Day 9 of the new Season, leaving his new team Unstable. Hawai’i cannot hex their way out of this one: with only four other Roam-able teams, the Fridays will almost certainly have to survive multiple weeks of Instability to reach the next Era.

They are the silly good vibes Party team. They are the dead center of the plot. The Fridays might not make it through the season. The Fridays are eternal. Covering this team for you all these Seasons has been full of heartbreak. And it’s been full of joy.

Tide comes in. Tide goes out.

Traci J

The Mexico City Wild Wings Hawai’i Fridays are your #24 #23 ranked team in the BNN Power Rankings. This means that the Mexico City Wild Wings Hawai’i Fridays are expected to rank #1 #2 in Season 19 24 of Internet League Blaseball. This does not mean that the Wild Wings Fridays are good, it actually means they are bad. However, it does mean BNN expects them to make it to the Playoffs Hall of Flame and hold the most wins at the ends of Season 19 24 (because they’ll die first and thus will have less unwins). But by all means, they are the second-worst team in the ILB, of this we are sure. But they are technically also the second-best team in Blaseball because of this…. Look Axel Cardenas Parker MacMillan is bad, okay. And because of that, the Wings Fridays are bad going to go up in flames. That’s all we need to say. We’re confused, we’re tired, we’re BNN, and we think the Wild Wings Fridays aren’t a good won’t be a Blaseball team.


22: Charleston Shoe Thieves 👟 [-6]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

Tensions are high. Shoe Thieves have proven themselves to be a strong team, finishing a close third in Mild with stiff competition. But Pitchardson Games has returned to the mound. Gunther is… Was dead, and then came back. Just. Went somewhere else. And despite urging Agan to hit da bricks and begging a Fifth Base pitcher to swing by, the team has yet to see Roamers enter or leave their team in anything but a body bag (which apparently is no reason to celebrate).

They’re also one of five teams to allow Roamers onto the roster.

Performance-wise, they’re fine. Nothing to write home about. An uneventful election means there’s little that’s changed since last season, other than Dickson Games pitching again. But it’s the kind of fine that has you watching the horizon. To watch the trail of fire that will inevitably find its way to their team. Maybe flirting with danger will be what takes them to Overbracket. Maybe.

The moon is full. The forest of Charleston is alight with merriment. The beasts and bandits submit to the lunacy as the trees burn around them. Unaware or unwilling to recognize the flames closing in. All they can do is rejoice. Party til death, Shoe Thieves. Party til death. Party til death.


21: Breckenridge Jazz Hands 👐 [-19]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

Variance, thy name is Jazz Hands.

The entire offense is pretty much in shambles, beloved Melon is Vaulted. Baby Doyle decided to move to the Rotation.

But there are many possibilities, good or bad.

The Beegest Baby could Faxmail to batting in a 5 player Lineup. Flickering Spears Rodgers could Feedback for Famous Owens then Feedback back for Owens again in the same game. Flickering Siobhan could Feedback for an amazing pitcher, bad pitcher, a batter, or remain as a pitcher all season.

One thing is for sure though. The Jazz Hands love drama.


20: San Francisco Lovers 💋 [-14]

Hubris Levels: High

The Lovers, like Blaseball, are a mess. Since the last Election, San Francisco was predicted to be good. the team, proceeded to be bad enough to make the Underbracket and accidentally get wild-carded into the Overbracket, only to get eliminated in one game by the Millennials. In the process, the team was rocked to its core by a few Siphons, the roster order being completely ruined by the newly Ratified Fax, and the incineration of beloved leadoff hitter Helga Moreno. The Lovers also managed to grab Targeted Evolution, giving both Mint Shupe and Karato Bean an extra item slot. In addition, the team had Tot Fox return to their pitching Rotation and Gunther O’Brian put on their Lineup before being instantly taken by the Wings. While a good Election overall, the Lovers’ best chance of success this coming season is simply every other team in the ILB getting incinerated and them being the only team left with non-randomly generated stats.

-Jade Townsend

19: Hades Tigers 🐅 [+5]

Hubris Levels: Very High

It’s obvious that the Tigers are desperate for improvements wherever they can get them. Famous Owens Feedbacked twice just to take advantage of the Jazz Hands’ LCD Soundsystem. Lottie Ceilingfan held onto their golden broom and their Idolboard spot all season so they could get a shadow dunk with the Rising Stars. Ayanna Dumpington took Partying more seriously than any Tiger before them, with a remarkable four Parties this season. And thankfully, we truly do all Lift together, thanks to Tokyo’s win of the Hitting Flotation Bubble for all of Wild High’s benefit.

Unfortunately, when that’s about the best I can say for this team, it’s really not enough. With exceptionally strong Blessings available, it was absolutely crucial to take advantage of this Election, but the Tigers walked away empty-handed. In particular, their Rotation was desperately in need of improvement thanks to the unfortunate loss of Hiroto Wilcox to Feedback, and the Faxing of Mummy Melcon into the Shadows where she is at risk of Voicemailing into the Lineup. Without any such improvement, the Tigers seem stuck in mediocrity for the time being.

There is still some hope for the team. Mummy could fax back into active play and with some Voicemail/Fax luck Erin Jesaulenko would be a great addition to the rotation as well. The Tigers’ Lineup is also stronger than we’ve seen it since the loss of Aldon Cashmoney. However, without significant Election gains, the team will continue to be outpaced by the rest of the ILB. As it stands you can probably expect to see the Tigers near the bottom of Wild High once again.


18: LA Unlimited Tacos 🌮 [-7]

Hubris Levels: High

The Infinite Cities walked away from the Semi-Centennial and the Season 23 Elections certain of a few things. Rat Mason is now a beloved hero, managing to evade Artificial Forgery as many other Rising Stars did that evening (three times!). Sexton lost their fancy Night Vision glasses. Rat Mason is now a pitcher, apparently. There are a lot of Shadows down here now, huh?

Picking through the Gachapon, there are a few new acquisitions of note: Silvaire Semiquaver from the Tokyo Lift, Nolanestophia Patterson from the Seattle Garages, and Math Velazquez of the Houston Spies Miami Dale (our new Voicemail Relief, also those Thieves’ Guilds work fast, apparently) are among the most promising Shadows prospects, though McBaseball Clembons continues to be the Fax Relief. We also received Divisional Walk in the Park from our Wild Low Sun-themed Rivals, the Hellmouth Sunbeams, requiring one fewer ball to start walking (Let’s Go Wild Low!). Will Wild Low continue to be Enby Baby Jail? Signs point to probably, though now everyone gets to walk around a nice park and talk it out, I guess!

The Lineup is lean at only six with Wanda Schenn as a Subtractor now starting the Season as opposed to arriving via Elsewhere midway through. Though, in an age of Sun(Sun)-free sky, Subtractors might be the thing that will get us closer to the Overbracket? Nevermind, Wanda went Elsewhere again near the end of last season. Being heavier from the Gachapon might be good? Who’s to say, other than it’s 72 degrees, infinite, and Parker Stay in Mild Please O’Clock. May we all make it through Season 24 intact.

-Clip Clipperson

17: Yellowstone Magic ✨ [+3]

Hubris Levels: EXTREME

I want to take a moment to celebrate two very special players. First off, shout out to Kirkland Sobremesa, who clocked in for the Night Shift to take over for Bevan Wise, made a mess of the work station, made half our dishes and cutlery disappear, and then poured coffee on the voice message system. Way to go, rookie. Secondly, shout out to “Old Man” Logan Rodriguez. Once a terrible pitcher we considered destroying for the good of the league, a series of (un)fortunate events saw them bat, get Shadowed, get Alternated into a slightly more-Loganesque version of themself, return to pitch, and then lose 13 straight games from Latesiesta to Underbracket’s End without even being Faxed. If a game can be lost, Logan will find a way. They cannot keep getting away with it. Godspeed you magnificent wretch.

23 Seasons, and we finally have our Ring. We’ve gone Below. Drank deep from the Darkness of Night. Emerged as Champions of the Underbracket. All that’s left is what’s Above.

… OK! So now what? What’s new? Oh, we’re Magnified? Oh. So we score double runs, OK. And we have one active and one Shadowed Magnified player already… OK. So hypothetically, we could Fax every pitcher we play against because our offense is good enough at producing runs.

…So if I’m following this correctly, we got a Blessing we didn’t know was good, STILL don’t know if it’s good, and now we’re going into the end of the era as underdogs that just finished bottom of the League? What is it that Lootcrates says? “History doesn’t Repeat, it Rhymes?” I want to say Magic is Good, but at this point, I’m scared to. Excited for Season 12 24, I suppose. Don’t estimate us.


16: Philly Pies 🥧 [+5]

Hubris Levels: Very High

A third week in a row of unplanned and unexpected Election results for the Pies has Philly singing a familiar tune: “No one likes us, no one likes us…” I would say that we should look at the bright side, but unfortunately, the only bright thing on the Pies right now is the woeful Bright Zimmerman.

But maybe things don’t have to be so bad. Sure, the Pies are left looking forward to a steady influx of subpar players as one of the few teams without a Roamless Crate, and are capped at 9 runs a game (barring walks) with their own Avoidance Crate, leaving the roster management and strong batting that have kept the Pies competitive for all these seasons shot to hell. And yes, a resurgent Mild League competition is licking its lips waiting for the Pies to be served up on the schedule. And, of course, a fiery end brought by a firewalking super roaming harbinger may very well be in store.

But you know what? We have them right where we want them.
No one likes us? We don’t care!
Nobody believes in us? There’s nowhere the underdog Philly Pies would rather be.
For too long, we have said “pie or die.” It’s time for this team to put their money where their mouth is. It’s time to get out there and win another championship— or die trying.

-Phoebe I. Ellis

15: Baltimore Crabs 🦀 [-]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

Let’s talk this past season first before we get to Season 24, shall we? The Crabs did fine, middle-of-the-road finish, didn’t see playoff action. Silvaire killed people finally (yay? boo? I mean one of them was Jon Halifax so I feel like I gotta say the former), and literally nothing happened to us in the Election except we got the Roamless crate and we lost Grit Watson to Gachapon… sure.

Usually, I have a funny gag for these blurbs for the Crabs, this season I’m just gonna be candid. As I write this I have no clue where the Crabs are going to end up on the Power Rankings— probably somewhere between 10 and 19 I imagine. That sounds about right. But Crabs fans, whatever that ranking says above this blurb? Forget it. BNN is probably wrong anyway.

When Blaseball comes to its big moments there is always a constant and that is the Baltimore Crabs. In 23 seasons, Baltimore has won 5 Championships and we weren’t even here for two of them. The first and only team we’ve ever seen ascend is the Baltimore Crabs. The first team to blow up the sun was the Baltimore Crabs. The first of the breach teams to win a Championship was the Baltimore Crabs and that was in our first season eligible. Heck, the first-ever team in Blaseball history that we know of currently to win a Postseason— that was the Baltimore Crabs in Postseason B. And we have no confirmation on who won Postseason A right now, so I’m choosing to ignore it.

All of this is to say that if there is a team that is going to rise out of these ashes like a phoenix, no matter what color we are, blue, red, purple, orange, magenta, rainbow, whatever. It will be the team of Kennedy Loser, of Finn James, of Silvaire Roadhouse, of Pedro Davids, of Lorcan Smaht, of every former, current, and future Crab player (even if they owe me $50). It will be the Baltimore Crabs.

Claws Up. Dethrone Gods.


14: Miami Dale 🚤 [+5]

Hubris Levels: Very High

The Miami Dale finished 5th in the League during Season 23. Honestly, I would argue this is largely due to the Hype Train in Worldwide Field.

The Lineup got a Reverb putting Jomgy Rosenthal in first position, Isaac Johnson in second, and followed up by Qais Dogwalker in third position. It’s a solid start to any game. Rigby Peacelily was also Faxed in and Liam Snail was Faxed out by Caleb Novak.

With the Election, The Iffey Jr. is back in Miami in the hands of Jode Crutch. The last time The Iffey Jr. was in Miami was in the hands of Raúl Leal. The Dale also received the mod Walk in The Park, and Math Velazquez was recruited by the Tacos.

Looking to Season 24, I can’t say much has changed, and that’s a good thing. The Dale still have Hype for the home games, I expect Liam Snail to be Faxed back in, and they have Walk in the Park.

Kina McCloud

13: Chicago Firefighters 🔥 [-]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

So, I owe an apology to Mcdowell Mason, because they were our best pitcher this season. (That’s not a joke. Best win record, second-highest ERA, and the only one not to be Faxed; good job Mcdowell.)

So Mcdowell returned back safely to Chicago after the Semi-Centennial, and brought a friend with them. Gerund Pantheocide is back from the hall Debt-free, and in prime position to lengthen our Rotation up to 6! Luckily, they’re at least a decent pitcher, so we may not see them Fax without an Equal Sun, which is more than can be said about the rest of the Rotation.

The Firefighters’ offense, however? A Magnified Reverberating Baby Triumphant and Magnified Swamuel Mora are proving to be a deadly combination, as seen this past season when they Faxed Axel Campbell in 55 seconds. And even after losing defense powerhouse Isaac Johnson for seeker Stout Schmitt, a hitting boost with thanks to the Lift may still let the Firefighters’ batting make up for their pitching.

This may not be the team we started with. The Firefighters have seen lots of player turnover this era, each one more devastating than the last. But there are still fires to fight and games to play, so with hopes for lots of Stables procs, the Firefighters will hopefully continue to do what they do best: putting out fires and surprising us all.


12: Core Mechanics 🛠 [+10]

Hubris Levels: EXTREME

The Pillars were Stacked.
The Stakes were Raised.
The Team was Mediocre.

On the Surface
The Core is always busy with a variety of projects, but the Mechanics’ roster has been pretty tame in comparison. With no Wills given or Blessings earned, the only improvements the Mechanics found were through conditional roster replacements and Party Time boosts. Adelaide Judochop, a Magnified Subtractor, still remains on the Lineup. At a glance, the team looks very similar to how they did in Season 23 when they made the Underbracket Semifinals. However, things may not be as they seem.

Understanding Machines
The Mechanics have always had a complicated relationship with their Fax Machine and their Voicemail; however, the two have only helped the team in the last season by bringing Bees Taswell and Jolene Willowtree into active play. The recently Alternated Gia Holbrook has found a home in the Mechanics’ Rotation. While the team isn’t in its Season 20 shape, its roster is certainly formidable.

Work Hard, Party Harder
The Mechanics roster Partied 7 times of note, ignoring a Party earned by the Roaming Dunlap Figueroa. Of these partygoers, two stand out: Bees Taswell and Jolene Willowtree. Taswell’s Shadow Infusion in Season 22 has only been furthered by another Party, causing the team’s fans to dub their constant home runs “The Stinger.” Jolene Willowtree proved to be quite the Party tree, earning a total of no less than three Parties. This pitcher is merciless on the mound and will no doubt leave Voicemails for other teams.

Can We Fix It?
Consistency is unfortunately no longer the Mechanics’ strong suit, with numerous holes still extant, but there are still a few patches it can make in its hull. Its most notable obstacle and beloved player, Adelaide Judochop, who risks undoing Runs with remarkable efficiency, is only one Voicemail away from being replaced by Shirai McElroy, a pitcher with solid batting. The most difficult to pull off and powerful change would be getting the Alternate Cannonball Sports to prime their newly optimized cannon for pitching instead of batting.

The Core Mechanics really need to Double Down on their assets if they want to make anything of Season 24. Let’s see what they’re willing to lose.


11: New York Millennials 📱 [-2]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

The New York Millennials are soaring! Literally!

The Semi-Centennial and the Season 23 Election seemed to pass the Mills by with only Beck Whitney joining the Rising Stars (along with former Mills Hatfield Suzuki and Castillo Turner) to have an impressive showing against the Vault Legends despite Hype and Artificial Forgery (Clare Ballard, Valentine Games, Chorby Soul, and Uncle Plasma representing as former Mills in the Vault). Unfortunately, former Millennial Glabe Moon ended up in the Vault in exchange for eldritch goose Sutton Bishop on the Boston Flowers via the Season 23: Vault Swap Blessing. Rest in Legendary, Glabe, hope we can break you out one day.

When Beck arrived, however, they became a pitcher and brought former Canada Artist and current Fire Protector Agan Espinoza with them. Beck is also currently an Underhanded Pitcher, which, you would think would be incredibly helpful…

If not for Sun(Sun) becoming a Supernova I would agree! Season 24 is a minefield of danger; from several Teams without Roamless at risk of Incineration to a flipped Depth chart (Consumers can fly??), Mills will crash into one of the two End Zones, hopefully.

In other Election news, Eve McBlase II remains with the Mills and Sandie Carver has been outfitted with a Literal Arm Cannon, as seen on Hall Star Axel Trololol. Mills pitching should remain impressive despite Sandie Turner being a Fax Relief (we love you Sandie T but please Voicemail first). New Postseason Birth Byung-Hyun Octothorp is a decent batter that will Voicemail in.

Mills GUAC (go up and climb), indeed.

-Clip Clipperson

10: Mexico City Wild Wings 🍗 [-3]

Hubris Levels: Very High

Ok, there are too many pitchers. I’m calling it, I don’t know what the right amount is, but this is too many. Not five seasons ago, the Wings had three pitchers. Three! Now they have seven! I mean, what even is a Roman Vargas, anyway? Some form of cracker?

The Wings’ batting will be good, marred only by Summers still scoring unruns. The Wings’ pitching will be spectacularly inconsistent, and the Fax Machine will get a workout. The Wings are about 3 moves away from being a good team but with no way to make them, so instead there will be a lot of unwinning, and with the explosion of Sun(sun), that might be good?

Also, the Wings went on a blind date hoping to meet a lawyer and came home with a penguin, which I guess for being good at the splort was a better move, but I think that if I were under review, I’d want my lawyer.


9: Atlantis Georgias 🔱 [-6]

Hubris Level: EXTREME

That Semi-Centennial huh? That…was wild. People got stolen for the game then returned to their team. Some were stolen by the Vault and a Supernova occurred. The League is doomed. But don’t let that distract you from the fact that Rigby Friedrich is pitching again. After so many seasons of being the star batter of the Georgias, Rigby has expanded the rotation as an 8-star pitcher. If you put them with Winnie Hess, that team would never lose a game. They’re scary. Very scary. They are coming.

Oh yeah, the Lineup is fine. Has some holes in it, but nothing that can’t be fixed with a Voicemail. And Steals is still pitching, somehow. Thankfully, a few Parties from the Afterparty could fix that or not depending on how lucky the Georgias get.

But this doesn’t matter as much, the Georgias rotation is pretty strong and that’ll be hard to beat even if we get toasted.

All you know is no matter what happens this season, they are coming.

Daydream, edited by Ciel

8: Dallas Steaks 🥩 [+4]

Hubris Levels: Very High

It takes an intense amount of hubris to predict anything in a season like this. The Steaks face two Debted pitchers, four teams capable of being firewalked on, and, most importantly, they completely refuse to have any significant changes, good or bad.

Throughout Season 23, very little of note happened to the Steaks. An item theft here, a Voicemail there, and despite 11 games in Party Time only a single Party was had. As other teams had their Lineups and Rotations see big changes from the Semi-Centennial game, the Steaks saw Jessica Telephone moved from the batter’s box to the mound, switching them from being a mediocre batter to being a mediocre pitcher. Incredibly, the Steaks actually won a Blessing for once which gave Holden Stanton a skateboard. Very cool. Here is an artist’s impression of Holden on a skateboard: o|-(/

While this marks the third season in a row of very little happening and things may not be looking up, they certainly aren’t looking down either. The move of JT away from the Lineup and several players, most notably Ronan Jaylee, being cured of their severe case of playing bad disease leaves the Steaks offense in a much more capable spot. While pitching-wise we have been left in the dust, we could still be looking at yet another season-long makeout session with the .500 line.

Alexander (@DallasSteaks)

7: Houston Spies 🕵️ [+7]

Hubris Levels: Low

Spies… actually pretty good! After doing better than expected last season, the team’s looking up despite having a relatively quiet Election as luck turned in their favor during play. The Plan proved itself as Real and Can Help/Hurt You (depending on team allegiances) as Sosa Hayes returned to the Spies in a full-circle Feedback after 4 seasons of partying with the Georgias and Dale, and was a massive upgrade in just about every way over Siobhan Chark. After the Semi-Centennial, Commissioner Vapor returned in a much better position in the Lineup, now batting 5th (and being followed up by Hayes) instead of recruitment-required last. Chet Takahashi proved incomprehensibly better than expected and enjoyed a good amount of Fax boosting. No new holes appeared, either— the Spies still have a lackluster defense causing them problems, but their top-of-the-league offense usually makes up for it. Adding onto that, the divisional Walk in the Park helps out the good baserunners the team keeps accidentally running into, and Mind Tricks could give the Spies a slight edge against their competitors in Wild “Enby Baby Jail” Low.

There we go, all things that happened to the Spies listed. Absolutely no Blessings won five seasons ago that will finally pay off. No Undefined players Elsewhere over the end of the season here! And 100% for sure none that are already one of the better hitters on the team and an even better pitcher. Absolutely none at all. All members of the Houston Spies are not provably existent and would like to keep it that way in order to ensure their safety during the Fire Sale.


6: Ohio Worms 🐌 [-2]

Hubris Levels: High

For the Ohio Worms, Season 23 was all about them falling short: they fell short of the Most Wins in the League by 3 despite a 12-Win Streak and having the best record in their Division.

They fell short of a Championship, losing to the Canada Moist Talkers in Game 5.

It was a rough end to the Season but it’s far from over. Stew Briggs finally roamed away, with Rosales Darkness joining in their stead. Rosales is a big improvement over Stew Briggs who was a well-known sore spot in their roster.

To top it off Wild Low claimed the Divisional Walk in the Park Blessing.

Could it be an omen for an easy Championship run? Or will the title worm out of their grasp for a second time in a row?


RIV Pudge Nakamoto, taken from us too…

Wait, what’s that? Roamed out of the Hall? No no no, you’re mistaken, we know, but they got incinerated again this season, and…

Really? You’re kidding me!

You know what, forget I said anything, I’m sure their replacement will have an entirely uneventful career, at least. Let me just check the Blessing results this season…

Welp. Enjoy being the economy, Scoobert!

Blenjamin Rees

5: Canada Moist Talkers 🗣 [+12]

Hubris Levels: High

The Moist Talkers happily got their star players back from the Rising Stars, though some of them seem to have ended up in the wrong place. Eugenia Garbage and Slosh Truk, two very strong and consistent batters for the team, will be starting Season 24 pitching for the team. This does mean that the effectively 4 player Lineup has been reduced to a 2 player Lineup. Mags Banananana and Alejandro Leaf both said their goodbyes to the team and Roamed away, and replica Uncle Plasma XII faded away from the team, leaving them with a perfectly average 8 player Rotation. A new Evolution for the team can leave the runners “slippery” and allows them all to hold an extra item (how neat!).

The small Lineup will likely be able to bring in runs, but the lack of slow build will be felt, and they’ll be fighting a battle against the runs allowed by the pitchers. Eugenia and Slosh’s pitching performance will be key to winning (unwinning?) this season, as it’s one of the largest changes to the team.



I have been requested by the Canadian National Game Development Studio to contact you for assistance in resolving a matter. The Canadian National Game Development Studio has recently concluded a large number of contracts for MMO development in the New Brunswick region. The contracts have immediately produced moneys equaling at least 40,000,000 coins. The Canadian National Game Development Studio is desirous of playerbase expansion in other parts of the world, however, because of certain regulations of the Canadian Government, it is unable to move these funds to another region.

Your assistance is requested as a non-Canadian citizen to assist the Canadian National Game Development Studio, and also the Central Bank of Canada, in moving these funds out of Canada. If the funds can be transferred to your name, in your United States account, then you can forward the funds as directed by the Canadian National Game Development Studio. In exchange for your accommodating services, the Canadian National Game Development Studio would agree to allow you to retain 10%, or at least 4,000,000 coins of this amount.

However, to be a legitimate transferee of these moneys according to Canadian law, you must presently be a depositor of at least 400,000 coins in a Canadian bank that is regulated by the Central Bank of Canada.

If it will be possible for you to assist us, we would be most grateful. We suggest that you meet with us in person in Halifax, and that during your visit I introduce you to the representatives of the Canadian National Game Development Studio, as well as with certain officials of the Central Bank of Canada.

Please call me at your earliest convenience at 18-467-4975. Time is of the essence in this matter; very quickly the Canadian Government will realize that the Central Bank is maintaining this amount on deposit, and attempt to levy certain depository taxes on it.

Yours truly,
London ‘Don MMO’ Simmons

4: Tokyo Lift 🏋️‍♀️ [+6]

Hubris Levels: Low

Lift… bad?

Look, this season is confusing, okay. After achieving the best record in the League last season, the Lift lost star pitcher Silvaire Semiquaver to the Gachapon, but boosted our divisional hitting and shortened our Rotation via a dusting.

But… is that good? bad? I don’t know. Will we even survive the season? Who’s to say. But after 10 seasons, Engine Eberhardt is 5 stars, and that’s all that matters.
Spotter Pandora

3: Seattle Garages 🎸 [+5]

Hubris Levels: High

At the End of an Era, the Garages are finally good.

With the Blessing (or curse?) of Precognition, Malik Destiny has seen what is to come. They are joined by Oliver Notarobot and Oliver Mueller, who will use the burden of knowledge to bat better than ever before. Walks will still abound as long as Destiny’s skipping, but Seattle’s star slugger is all the stronger regardless, and the boosts to Notarobot and Mueller solidify a pair of batters who hadn’t quite kept up with the Expansion Era’s league-wide improvement.

And thanks to the team-wide Booster Pack, the Garages— weighty Shadows roster included— have seen improvements across the board, including in their killer pitching Rotation. Seattle’s star-studded set of eight pitchers, who combined for the fewest runs allowed in the league last season, are sure to be in better shape than ever.

Two of Pre-history’s revenant Rising Stars have joined the Lineup, just in time to die again. They’re not the most exciting batting prospects, but they give Seattle a couple of new targets for the Voicemail— if anyone can manage to shut out the Garages and activate it, that is.

And finally, with Season 23’s Party Favors, the Garages have chosen to keep the Big Garage’s door open. Hang up your coats and wipe your feet, Roamers. No matter who you are, no matter how long you’re here, and no matter what you’ll leave behind when you’re gone, you are welcome here.

Yes, this means the Garages are likely to go down in flames before their roster can carry them to victory. But the Instability will be Contained. Nobody’s coming down with us. To the rest of the league:

Kill gods for us.

But we’ve got heart and soul here
We don’t care what they all say
And our future might be unclear
But you can’t take our band away
Misfits have a place here
No matter what their stats
Even if they suck, we’ll still cheer
Every time they’re up to bat
the garages, “no parties in seattle”


2: Hellmouth Sunbeams 🌞 [-1]

Hubris Levels: Very High

Okay. There’s a lot I could talk about. Nagomi Nava is still with the team, which is the most important thing, even though they’re currently pitching. If the Sunbeams ever manage another Voicemail, I’m sure we’ll see them back in the Lineup.

I could talk about the fact that the Sunbeams had 4 of the top 10 OBP players in Season 23, and that Howell and Paula are only likely to get on base more. I could talk about how Hahn Fox had the third most RBIs last season and will only benefit from Paula getting on base more.

I could talk about the fact that the last time the Sunbeams had Walk in the Park they set a new season Runs record and won the Championship. This was also, notably, the last time a Sun exploded.


Also, I don’t know if good is bad this season, and I don’t know if any of us are going to live through it.

Beams beams.

1: Kansas City Breath Mints 🍬 [+4]

Hubris Levels: Low

JumbleTheCircle gained Fireproof Jacket.

I hope to dear God this doesn’t break in the middle of this blurb.

ahem Wow, what a season! It turns out Subtractor is bad. So bad, in fact, that we finished in last in our division, and then Partied enough times to not advance in the Underbracket.

We might have actually gotten the best Election results ever, though. Let’s start with the Wills, which we didn’t wimdy…BECAUSE THERE ARE NO WILLS! 😠 That means Leach is staying, and that awful Subtractor mod as well. Don’t be too disappointed though, because the rest of our batting is a force to be reckoned with. Set the Table changed our star pitcher, Winnie Hess, into our star batter. Rod.Net somehow continues to get more internet-related mods, now that Big Head Mode has given them 2x Magnification. And fan-unfavorite Zimmerman? They’re gone now.

JumbleTheCircle’s Fireproof Jacket was damaged.

Of course, the Mints’ pitching was going to be worse without the Horse. It’s not going to be that much worse, though. Uncle Plasma came back! Or a replica of them, anyway. So even if Twooney Faxes out (which they definitely could with 2x), it’s not the end of our pitching. Twooney got Underhanded, though. This somehow ended up being the least impactful of our Blessings, in part because they didn’t let many home runs in to begin with.

JumbleTheCircle’s Fireproof Jacket broke!

Oh shoot, I gotta finish this quick. The Breath Mints are looking minty fresh, and almost certainly won’t disappoint. Turntables might screw with which bracket we’re going to, but really, the only thing that can stop us is-

Rogue Umpire incinerated JumbleTheCircle!

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