Compiled and edited by: Em Fring
Blaseball is happening! It may or may not be our universe’s ILB, but the Crabs have won again, so it can’t be that different from ours. Whichever dimension’s games we are watching, games are being played and the Blaseball News Network reporters are going to do what they do best: rank with utmost hubris.
Before we see the predictions, let’s turn it over to some of the rankers themselves to hear what they are thinking after Week One and the Election.
Short Circuit Power Rankings.
Not a lot changes! Some teams move up a bit for shoring up what their biggest problems are (Magic, Sunbeams). Some teams move down a bit for buffing defense (because defense is fake) (Firefighters), and The Crabs stay at #1. While they didn’t finish with the best record, they did win the Championship, and they’re coming in with better pitching and a leadoff batter with the Fourth strike.
Can anyone save us from the Dynasty of the Crabs?
unconnected thoughts emanate from the Shadows-Correspondent Shadows
Pies, Crabs win big improvements.
Garages, Firefighters did enough to keep them in contention.
Big wins for Brints and Mechs, will pull into top ten.
Tacos win Gunblade Bat for a batter who won’t swing enough
Magic grant a pitcher Electric Blood – what a waste.
Talkers’ roster move unimpressive.
Fridays’ improvements only enough to keep them off the bottom
it is dark
And now… the Short Circuit 1 Week 2 Power Rankings!
24. Tokyo Lift [-] 🏋️
23. Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-1] 👐
22. San Francisco Lovers [-3] 💋
21. Hellmouth Sunbeams [-] 🌞
20. Hawai’i Fridays [+3] 🏝
19. Boston Flowers [-6] 🌹
18. Miami Dale [-1] 🚤
17. Kansas City Breath Mints [+3] 🍬
16. New York Millenials [-]📱
Ah, more eyes to watch us continue to be middling! What fun!! May the (Cheese) Power remain flowing for the rest of this Short Circuit!
15. Core Mechanics  🛠
14. Charelston Shoe Thieves [-4] 👟
13. Canada Moist Talkers [+1] 🗣
12. Mexico City Wild Wings [+3] 🍗
“We cross now live to Mexico City where reports are coming to us now the Wild Wings…. yes I can confirm that the Wild Wings have won a Distortion, and we can bring you the first interview with Briggs Tarcher who has gained Fire Blood. Briggs, this must be a special day for you, how did you feel when you heard the news?”
What follows is 45 seconds of a person, clearly on fire, screaming. The camera could cut away. It should cut away. It doesn’t.
“Alright, thanks Briggs. Good luck out there next season.”
11. Dallas Steaks [+1] 🥩
10. Ohio Worms [-3] 🐌
9. Houston Spies [-1] 🕵️
8. Hades Tigers [-4] 🐅
7. Yellowstone Magic [+2] ✨
YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHO JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY IS AND I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONFUSION BUT THE MATH IS EXCEPTIONALLY OBVIOUS. JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY IS THE FOURTH PITCHER ON THE YELLOWSTONE MAGIC’S ROTATION FOR GAMMA SEASON ONE IN THE SHORT CIRCUITS ERA, AND IS THEREFORE FOUR TIMES AS GOOD AS THE REGULAR PITCHER. THEY HAVE TWO-POINT TWO STARS IN PITCHING AND TWO TIMES THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET TWO BALLS IN THE COUNT BEFORE GOING TWO-ODLOO AND STRIKING YOU OUT BECAUSE OF THEIR NEW GOOD, GOOD BLOOD. JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY STANDS FOR JUTLAND AND DOUBLEDAY, WHICH MEANS TWO DAYS, WHICH MEANS TODAY, WHICH MEANS TWO TODAYS WHICH IS DOUBLE DAY WHICH IS FOUR DAYS, ARE YOU FOLLOWING?
IF WE DO THE MATH CORRECTLY (AND I KNOW I AM) THAT MEANS THAT JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY PLUS THE NEW DEFENSIVE BONUS FOR THE YELLOWSTONE MAGIC PLUS THE ONLY SOMETIMES INCONSISTENT LINEUP MEANS THAT JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY GETS TWICE AS MANY CHANCES TO STRIKE OUT TWICE AS MANY BATTERS AND DRAGS GAMES ON TO BE TWICE AS LONG AS THEY NORMALLY ARE, WHICH IF YOU’RE DOING THE MATH (PLEASE FOLLOW) THAT MEANS THAT SEASON TWO MAGIC (UH OH JUTLAND’S GETTING EXCITED) IS GOING TO BE TWO TIMES TWO TIMES TWO TIMES TWO TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE AT WINNING WITH INCREMENTS.
I DON’T WANT TO KEEP ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THE MAGIC FALLS, IT’S PROBABLY A MULTIPLE OF TWO.
6. Atlantis Georgias [-] 🔱
5. LA Unlimited Tacos [+6] 🌮
“The Tacos’ Election cycle has been somewhat kind this go around, with the Gunblade Bat going to Apollo Coen, and the rotation gaining More Fingers. Infinite cities, infinite chances for success, maybe we’ll get into the playoffs this Season! Taco Baco!”
– Clip Clipperson
4. Chicago Firefighters [-2]🔥
Firefighters only want one thing and it’s disgusting (that thing is defense). Not much else to say here other than a lot of the league has shored up their weaknesses nicely (looking especially at the Fridays and their four newly alted players) and it’s really nice to see funny players again without immediate dismissal.
Oh, and the universal constant: Crabs good.
3. Philly Pies [-] 🥧
2. Seattle Garages [-1] 🎸
1. Baltimore Crabs [+4] 🦀
Chiclawgo is real. The Crabs have claimed their sixth Internet Series Championship. There may be some people upset by another Crab win (of course, my heart goes out to Chicago, the place we are all from). But the way I see it, Crabs Good is like a warm, familiar, carcinization blanket keeping us safe as we tumble through pocket dimensions. So claws up!