Blaseball Power Rankings: Season 23

Compiled and edited by: Cat Stlats and Em Fring

Ding ding ding! Wake up, Blaseball fans! Siesta is almost over! No— you can’t have five more minutes. Why? Because the Blaseball News Network is here with your Season 23 Power Rankings! Our expert rankers have spent the Siesta crunching numbers, reviewing Election results, and communing with old gods to bring you their latest rankings. This season’s rankings are so spicy, we had to add a new metric. So without further ado, let’s see what hubris we’ve gotten ourselves into this time.

24: Hades Tigers 🐅 [-]

Hubris levels: low

Archie Lampman has come unstuck in time. They were incinerated in Prehistory for the Mallorca Whales, and woke up in the Hades Tigers’ Shadows. They can see time like a diorama. Not in sequence, but all at once. They see the Tigers in Season 1, with Nagomi Mcdaniel and Landry Violence and Nicholas Mora and a perfectly normal player named “Daniel” Duffy. Season 3, Landry going up in flames and Paula Turnip stepping up to bat, two championships in a row. Season 7, Ruby Tuesday, Moody and Scorpler and Frasier and later Yazmin. Season 8, missing Ascension by one series, Nagomi Meng to the Shadows and Aldon joins the team. Season 11, eternal Hellseries. Season 12, another Championship and Evolution, in the elections Mora comes back. Season 14, he is the first bitten by Consumers, a good amount of the team soon to follow. 17, Hiroto for Lenny and throwing Fireballs, first losing season. Season 20, 21. Alternations. The Tigers’ luck runs out, the players who carried them for twenty seasons are left diminished. Now, the team is in a slump and Archie is second in line to be Voicemailed out. The situation isn’t hopeless if the Tigers wanna return to performing well: their team modifiers and consistent Lineup provide a solid base to build on. Erin Jesaulenko is a fantastic pitcher, if they can hold onto them and make them pitch. Even if it takes a while, the Tigers should eventually return to being top performers. But the Era is close to ending, and no plan survives contact with Blaseball. Though Archie knows everything already has, and will always, happen the same way, they are excited to be there for it.

-Dargo

23: Boston Flowers 🌹 [-1]

Hubris levels: low

The Boston Flowers attempted a yo-yo trick to trade for Castillo Turner but keep Chorby Short, but the trick went awry.

The yo-yo flew out of Boston’s hands and into a nearby Gacha Machine. Before they knew it the Garages had pulled the 5-Star 8-Star Castillo Turner out of a capsule.

Boston is left with a star powerless pitching rotation in desperate need of a Fax to bring Chorby Short back in.

The payoff for their long Lineup arrived in the form of the Subtractor modification not hurting as badly as it could’ve. Sadly, “Not as awful as we could’ve been” isn’t the recipe for anything but another trip to the Underbracket.

In the meantime, fans can enjoy watching the team playing Among Us, except there’s seven Impostors, and everyone is hoping that the Impostors forget how to play and the game ends when the timer runs out.

!!EMERGENCY MEETING!!

Brock Forbes was found dead in The Gym?

I just saw Baldwin Breadwinner come out from The Garden.

Did anyone see them walk in?

I think they vented into The Garden from The Lift.

Balwin Sus. I’m voting to Revoke them.

Baldwin Breadwinner was ejected!

Kidror

22: Core Mechanics 🛠 [+1]

Hubris levels: moderate

The Core Temperature seems to be tepid this season, and it’s understandable why. A tricky few seasons and Elections have left the Core rougher around the edges than during their championship seasons. Adelaide Judochop, their RBI leader from Season 22, has caught the Subtractor bug, and Ilane Snart could be playing a dangerous game of Fax Machine Evasion.

But the Core is never truly out of it, as they’ve shown many times that they can fix anything. If Jolene Willowtree gets back into the Rotation before getting Voicemailed in as a batter, their rotation still has a strength that many teams envy, and their Voicemails last season led them to more wins than most rankers were expecting.

Perhaps overall, the attitude of the Core can best be described by a simple quote from Astrid in their side server:

“yeah we’re just kinda hoping for things to not go even more wrong.”

Roving Reporter Panda

21: Philly Pies 🥧 [-16]

Hubris levels: EXTREME

It may be time for the Pies to change their strategy. For the past two Elections, Philly has been like a farm team, seeing other teams harvest some of their top players. The Pies have traditionally avoided targeting other teams in their Will selection, but, if things continue as they have, they may find themselves picked clean by the rest of the league.

On the plus side, the Pies’ actual Wills strategy of shrinking their Rotation to two players and moving an item that grants Underhanded to one of the pitchers, Lucy Tokkan, went through without a hitch. If Tokkan can hold onto that item, the Pies’ pitching should be in solid shape this season. Sadly, superstar hitter Jaxon Buckley was hit with the Subtractor modification from the Subtractor Avoidance Blessing, potentially turning one of the team’s biggest strengths into their biggest liability. While Buckley, one of the best players in the league, may be helpful against Underhanded pitchers as a Subtractor, they will otherwise effectively be playing against the Pies.

In a fun change of pace, the Pies might now actually rely on their pitching to prop up their problematic hitting. Will it be enough? Who knows?! With all of the chaos in modern Blaseball, the Pies prove even less estimable than usual.

Phoebe I. Ellis

20: Yellowstone Magic ✨ [+1]

Hubris levels: low

Welcome to a Brief History of Yellowstone. Please open your Textbooks to Chapter 22. Does anyone remember where we left off? No? OK. I’ll refresh your memory.

A bad Reverb three seasons back left Magic’s offense as well as their defense looking worse for wear, and ballpark modifications didn’t help. Holes were left in the Lineup without parties or powerful blessings to mend them. Their Rotation lacked the fielding support needed to keep the opposing batters in check. And some dubious player grabs meant the best they could do was— as Magic so often loves to—”work with what they got.” Which wasn’t the worst place to be in! Like a troublesome class clown, Magic exerted what control they had to flirt with the invisible boundary known as “Going Too Far;” To stay in a position they could still course correct from before they were in deep doo-doo, and get a few laughs before the teacher could send them to detention.

Unfortunately, the real joke was on Magic. Few celebrations during Party Time and a lack of Voicemails proved that their performance last season didn’t land with the class quite as they expected, and they weren’t even sent to detention for their efforts. And if their lack of improvement wasn’t enough, their end-of-season results have put them in a difficult position. Ziwa is Magnified and takes the Lead, yet Alx Keming prevents a freshly Moved Logan from swapping back in with their Voicemail (and Alx isn’t a great replacement). Francisco is a Subtractor. Bevan is Underhanded, but Eizabeth continues to gut the team’s fielding, which exacerbates Bevan’s flaws. At this point, they have two paths open to them, but they can’t have both, and not picking one leaves them high and dry. I think there’s a poem about this. From Bob Cold, or something. You know, there are two paths diverged in a National Park, I’m wiser now, etc.

They aren’t at those crossroads yet, so there’s still time to make a choice. And either choice would be a good choice— Above or Below. But if Magic’s not careful, they may end up tripping over themselves and face-planting in front of their peers trying to walk down both. We can glean a valuable lesson from all this: It’s better to be bad than average. Class Dismissed!

Nate

19: Miami Dale 🚤 [+1]

Hubris levels: moderate

I’ve been waiting to write this for a very, very long time.

They mean to go on and on and on and on.
Miami is your Underchampion, my friends.
And they’ll keep on playing till the end.

The Miami Dale won the Underchampionship largely due to Caleb Novak. Novak had a whopping 392 earned Runs and 24 Losses. Some Modification boxes are just funny, while others are Magnify.

The Dale’s Lineup has gotten better, but that’s a mixed bag going into Season 23. Some of their best batters in Season 22 were Sosa Hayes, Rivers Clembons, and Francisca Sasquatch. For most of the Season, Francisca had Subtractor, but lost that Modification on Day 57.

This brings me to the Election Results,
Sosa Hayes was sent to the Georgias,
Rivers Clembons gained the Subtractor mod,
Stout Schmitt gained Skipping,
Sixpack Santiago was moved to the Rotation,
and Caleb Novak got a funny box. (Haunted)

Arguably, the Dale have a better Lineup than they did in Season 22, but not by much. Likewise, the Rotation was made better with four pitchers. but that could very well push the Dale out of contention for the Underchampionship.

Looking to Season 23, I think we will likely see the Dale in the Underbracket with Rivers Clembons having Subtractor, Caleb Novak in the Rotation, and none of their Pitchers having Underhanded. However, it seems unlikely that they will make the Underchampionship.

As we enter Season 23, I leave the reader a Party Fortune,
“Party like it’s Season 11, and be excited for Season 12.”

DALE

Kina McCloud

18: Hawai’i Fridays 🏝 [-6]

Hubris levels: high

Welcome, one and all, to the new look Fridays! What was once a perennial contender has fallen deep into the Underbracket, narrowly avoiding a spot in last season’s Underchampionship. Super slugger Beck Whitney is gone with no replacement after an Election Day shell game with the Flowers and Mills, gutting the offense. The Fridays rang up quite a few Voicemails, so give a hearty aloha to new batters Cordula, Melton, and Samothes. With their Wills, the team dunked Harrell back in the shadows and brought Juice Collins back to the islands from the Lovers.

With their Blessings— um. About that.

In an absolute windfall (wimdfall?), the Fridays won five Blessings. This netted them zero direct bell-to-bell benefits and alternated their entire Shadows and many of their pitchers, largely for the worse. Evelton McBlase was untouched, and Don Mitchell is still solid, but Juice and Fenry were not quite as lucky. The team is also fresh out of Underhanded items, making for an underwhelming Rotation. There are a few bright sides: Don’s Ego was reduced by two, the team has much less eDensity, and there are now some decent replacement pitchers in the Shadows. Unfortunately, Viberight Field does not yet have Fax Machine.

With all of these bad beats after an already bad season, you’d think the Fridays would be dead last in these rankings, but they have one key advantage over the rest of the league: no Subtractors. The bones of a good team are here: six batters and four pitchers is a near-perfect balance of power and resilience, and will synergize well with the Sinking Ship mod. In a vacuum, the Fridays may be worse than last season, but there is just enough chaos in the rest of the league to stump our panel.

Don’t be surprised if the Fridays finish much higher or lower than this ranking predicts. Better yet, do not perceive the Fridays at all. Just let them party in peace as they gently float away, borne on the backs of birds, balloons, and blessings.

Traci J

17: Canada Moist Talkers 🗣 [+1]

Hubris levels: EXTREME

Apparently embracing the small Lineup strategy, if you looked just at their bats, the Talkers seem set to dominate the scene in this upcoming season. Yet if you look at their pitching Rotation, it tells a different story: The Talkers went into Season 22 with a fairly average five-pitcher rotation, yet came out with a whopping nine pitchers.

what.

Due to a combination of luck of the draw, Fax fraud involving a replica of Uncle Plasma, and intentionally moving Greer Lott back to pitching, the team that used to have too many good pitchers to put places seems to simply just have “Too many pitchers.” The Moist Talkers also lucked into having the Subtractor avoidance Blessing hit their Shelled batter, Lucien Patchwork. Canada’s luck also backfired on them, however. After winning a Blessing with 0% of the vote that flipped longtime Talkers player Ziwa MuellerNegative, fate had it that Mueller would then get traded to Yellowstone via the “Little Swap” Blessing. In exchange for Mueller, they received Tiana Wheeler, an excellent batting recruit who is now pitching for them and who is liable to Fax at the first possible moment. Also onFax watch is roamer Alejandro Leaf, who roamed out of the Hall to join the Moist Talkers’ Rotation alongside regular Roamer and solid pitcher Mags Banananana.

Fan-favorite player Randy Dennis was sent off to Atlantis on the coattails of a low-percentage Wills vote for the aptly-named Slosh Truk, who while not a downgrade from Dennis lacks the Slow Build and Flippers attribute that Dennis had, which synergized well with The Moist Talkers’ emphasis on Flooding and short Lineups. With London Simmons finally out of the limbo that is the Shadows of Halifax, batting got a much-needed improvement, but it came at a hit to the team’s defense, with defensive ace Cedric Spliff entering the Shadows as Simmons took Spliff’s place in the lineup.

With exceptionally solid batting but some big holes in their pitching rotation, the Canada Moist Talkers seem set up for success in future seasons. In Season 23 however, how much use they get out of their Fax machine will really determine where the team falls, meaning this team seriously is a toss-up.

Athunin

16: Charleston Shoe Thieves 👟 [-3]

Hubris levels: moderate

I thought they got rid of Esme Ramsey’s Haunted mod, but it seems to still hang on to them in spirit— Charleston’s batting is looking ghostly ghastly. There was a slew of landmines in the form of Blessings for them to avoid and they happened to step on the one that hurts the most.

I’ll stop dancing around the subject; Thieves got Alternated, and it was bad. Velasquez Alstott will be lucky if they end up performing half as well as they did last season, and Jordan Hildebert, their best slugger, is much the same. Losing two great bats— one of them being your best— is an awful blow, and Charleston is going to be feeling this one in their nightmares.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Conner Haley was a great pick-up and helps strengthen the front end of their Lineup. Oscar Dollie with Fire Eater and inflated stars means they won’t be leaving Charleston any time soon. Tad Seeth came home to take an Alternation on the chin to protect another batter and will hopefully Roam away for parties. And the Shoe Thieves pitching staff continues to look absolutely fantastic with Richardson Games supporting them. It’s just now they have a chasm in the back half of their offense that is destroying what forward momentum they build: Both from game-to-game, and now season-to-season.

If the Thieves are lucky, their Voicemail will sort out their batting. But it’s just another heaping pile of problems to deal with before being back in contention. Two steps forward, three steps back.
Nate

15: Baltimore Crabs 🦀 [-13]

Hubris levels: EXTREME

The Crabitat is on fire and people are screaming and running frantically in an attempt to put the fire out as a BNN representative for the Crabs walks up to a podium in front of it all to speak to an audience.

Everything is okay! Nothing is going wrong with the Baltimore Crabs! In no way is there any mass panic or any sort of “uncontrollable fire” behind me, that is simply false. Everything is fine. Nothing bad ever happens to the Crabs!

Classic Crabs batters all return to the Crabs the same as they always have been, unchanged from their great run last season where the Crabs broke the single-season win record. Such batters include: Avila Guzman….

Finn James is Underhanded! Isn’t that so fun guys?! Montgomery Bullock is a 6.7 star pitcher, exciting! Silvaire Roadhouse still wants to kill people, but now instead of throwing a ball at people’s heads they’re hitting a ball at people’s heads. So much cooler! And best of all: Jon Halifax isn’t on the Crabs anymore! We hated them!

Nothing else of note is going on with the Baltimore Crabs. We totally still have Jessica Telephone. Brock Forbes is still alive. Kennedy Loser, Lorcan Smaht, Enid Marlow, Alston Cerveza, and Kaz Fiasco are all the same players they were last season, nothing changed. We swear! Don’t look into it! Crabs Good!….Yeah!

Gary

Folks. Making it in Blaseball is hard. Turnip Economy? Dead and buried. Tosser bucks? Gone. Glovercoins? Like it was never here. The current economic system is unsustainable and unfair. You require a large amount of buy-in and a lot of research to figure out how to get enough votes to trade that player with the funny name for your team’s favorite s1 batter, angering three fanbases in the process. And, it leads to the massive churning of top players, exhausting our league’s natural resources. More, it’s tiring and hard and uncomfortable, which is the real issue. Do I seriously have to pay enough attention to the game to look at SIBR’s recommendations when, oh I don’t know, Nebulous Photosynthesis steals Tango Chachacha’s Actual Literal Super Idol Cap Of The Feast? Gimme a break.

There’s a better system. A more modern, fair, and flexible system. Old money? Out. New money? In. Choose…the future. Choose…to be different. Choose Blasecoins. $BLA are a new kind of exclusive currency composed of text strings ranging from 1 to 280 characters detailing a piece of Blaseball lore. It is, of course, an NFT: you pay me a fair price, and I log your name next to the Blasecoins’ specific hash in my Excel spreadsheet. It belongs to you, and it will go up in value as time goes on. It’s the perfect asset: imagine buying a “Jessica Telephone’s favorite wife is __” Blasecoin all the way back in Season 1. You’d be a trillionaire.

$BLA is also a powerful strategic asset: look at the Baltimore Crabs, my (former) team. Yeah, ok, the Alternations hurt, but the real death blow was obviously losing Jessica Telephone and the link to any related $BLA tokens. I advised moving them to the Lineup as a defensive play, but they just shipped me to Kansas instead. They’d be in a solid spot if they still had that: Enid has the most incredible pitching prospects, Ken is still okay, Alston can retire and Fairwood can…like…I don’t know, be exchanged or whatever. I don’t care about Fairwood. No one does. They would, however, if there was a $BLA that was like “Jessica Telephone’s favorite wife is Fairwood Patchwork!” Then the Crabs could trade them for Winnie Hess through an elaborate series of Equivalent Exchanges due to the $BLA tokens’ burgeoning value. And what about their pitching? Monty’s an alligator. Come on. $BLA : “Montgomery Bullock is a seven-star pitcher for the Baltimore Crabs and an alligator.” Come on. Why does Lorcan party so much? $BLA: “Lorcan can teach you how to party and would also be great with an Underhanded item.” Finn James exists? $BLA: “Finn James Finns Games.” That’s hilarious. $BLA is the future: don’t remain stuck in the past.

Dargo

14: Houston Spies 🕵️ [-6]

Hubris levels: high

The Spies are Something going into Season 23. After a consumer-and-bad-defense-induced early Party Time the previous season, it’s easy to write off their Season 20 shark-infested playoffs run as the start of a long recovery period for the Spies, and in many ways it is. However, after some rare Parties and more common “Parties” via office equipment last season, there’s hope going into the upcoming season.

Let’s start with the bad. Alexandria Rosales got Fax-Mailed into the Lineup, leaving the Rotation currently as top-of-the-league pitcher Bennett Bluesky and… Chet Takahashi, who got Faxed in during the postseason. Plums Blather is waiting in the Shadows to Fax in again, but the loss of Rosales on the mound will definitely be felt. Not all is lost, though— they’re absolutely not a bad hitter, and being in the lineup makes Undefined more likely to finally be seen in action. In addition, Takahashi’s expected to Fax in and out, granting some extra Parties” to the stronger members of the Rotation along with themself. Kind-of-better, this part is only made more likely by the team’s weak defense.

There’s more good than just a silver lining though. To start, the inevitability of the Avoidance Blessings hit the Spies well. Paula Mason was given both Subtractor and Skipping, and the randomized count will make them more likely to strike out, walk, or strike-out-into-walk rather than create unRBIs. To offset Subtractor even more, Magnifying one of the team’s best players in Commissioner Vapor is going to have a massive impact, although slightly weakened by being at the end of the Lineup. All things considered, the Spies could do a lot of different things in Season 23. Whether or not they reach Party Time early again, make a surprise Overbracket run, or embrace classic mediocrity, they do know one thing: it will all go according to Plan.
-cloud

13: Chicago Firefighters 🔥 [-7]

Hubris levels: moderate

Record scratch-

You may be asking yourself how we got here. I am, of course, talking about the state of the Firefighters’ Rotation. How have we gone from having one of the more consistent pitching Rotations in the league to whatever the hell is going on now in less than 3 seasons? Well, turns out a full team Reverb, Faxing a pitcher that wildly overperforms their stars, losing an Underhanded pitcher that had lost no games last season, and Gabriel Griffith randomly deciding to bat will do that.

Long gone are the days of having powerhouses at the mound. We used our Fax machine 7 times last season, and in our wings, we have former incin’ replacement Geepa Beanpot and Justice Spoon, who may be returning to their start as a pitcher after 2 Alts and 17 Seasons. Though all those Shadow Boosts seem to have begun to take hold, the Firefighters have another problem: Mcdowell Mason, as a pitcher.

That being said, the Firefighters’ offense is anemic no more! Turns out, having both of your star pitchers become batters and a Magnified Reverberating Baby will do that. Still, we’re going to need a heck of a load of luck to manage to stay afloat this season, and all we can do is keep our fingers crossed for an early Fax-Mail combo for Mason that sends Reverberating Subtractor Gita Sparrow to the Shadows.

The Chicago Firefighters have done weirder things in harder circumstances, but to make an Overbracket run, we’re going to need some help. Who knows though, maybe something miraculous will happen, and we’ll be back to crying “Where is BNN?” once more.
Stara

12: Dallas Steaks 🥩 [-2]

Hubris levels: EXTREME

It was another season of no steps forward, no steps back for the Steaks.

The team is still haunted by the collapse of its offense in Season 21 with Season 22 being only a slight improvement. What should be rebuilding time after literally every single batter’s performance tanked was instead followed by not much change at all. Season 22 Party Time had a disappointing payout and the Election was yet another one defined by sidegrades.

Star batter Conner Haley was traded back for Jessica Telephone which completely undid last Season’s Will but the Lift also undid theirs by bringing Engine Eberhardt back for the superb Knight Triumphant. On the pitching side, things are looking up as Baldwin Breadwinner, by far the lowest performer on the Rotation, stole the Fifth Base and Roamed away. Oh and also Gallup Crueller has been wimdy Infused for the third time in a row. Are they good yet? No, but maybe next time.

Once again the Steaks’ performance is looking to be more defined by the teams around them getting better or worse, alongside the hope that the mystery Steaks Bad slider gets put back where it was before Season 21. Whether we end up good, bad, or back in .500 hell is out of our hands— but perhaps it never was in them in the first place.

Alexander (@DallasSteaks)

11: LA Unlimited Tacos 🌮 [-2]

Hubris levels: high

“To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” -Oscar Wilde

Welcome to last threeson’s Tacos, everybody! Michelle Sportsman tore the league apart in Season 20, only for a disastrous Latesiesta and Lateseason Reverb to derail their chances before falling to the Spies in the Wild League Championship Series. Misfortune. That was fixed in the Elections, and the Tacos were primed to go deep once more, but a shock upset at the hands of the ravaged Hades Tigers curbed their title dreams in the WLCS once more. Carelessness.

The carelessness seemed to stick with the Tacos in the short term as well, as the team’s previously exemplary Will discipline began to waver, and in Season 22 their offense could no longer pick up the slack that had been left by a pitching staff that seemed to be slipping from its former greatness.

So where does that leave LA for Season 23? Vito Kravitz’s aching bones get a rest, with the Tacos embracing a slimmed-down two pitcher Rotation, but team captain Mcdowell Mason now finds themself as a Firefighter (and as a pitcher too, much to everyone’s amusement), and Son Jensen, finally on the field after a long-term marinading in the Shadows, wimdied away in exchange for the Hellmouth’s Hendricks Richardson (the reasons as to why have yet to be uncovered). Felix Garbage gained Skipping, which is not ideal, but Subtractor landing on new arrival Wanda Schenn, an Undertaker who figures to be spending a lot of time Elsewhere, and not a hugely productive batter when active, is a stroke of good fortune.

The power rankers seem to put Los Angeli towards the middle of the pack. After the chaos of recent Elections some calm and mid-table consistency might be appreciated, but if I may indulge myself with one more Oscar Wilde quotation, “Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” We’ll see if Taco fans agree based on how they tackle what this threeson throws at them.
-Blenjamin Rees

10: Tokyo Lift 🏋️‍♀️ [+9]

Hubris levels: moderate

Lift Good? Coming off of an Overbracket Internet Series appearance (as well as Free Wills), our historically disastrous pitching is now middling! Although our Lineup took a hit (as did every other team’s), Kline and Grollis are not nearly as impactful as some of the other candidates. Will our historically strong offense be enough to carry out the Sixth Stage? Or will our mediocre pitching doom us to a late Party Time?
I don’t know! I’m so excited to find out!

Spotter Pandora

9: New York Millennials 📱 [-6]

Hubris levels: moderate

How was the Mills Season 22? Well, the Mills managed to earn a place as 4th Seed in the Underbracket because the Moist Talkers were Wild Carded into the Overbracket. The Mills proceeded to place all their bad luck in skeletal taxi driver Munro Tumblehome, recent acquisition of the Millennials via the Season 21 Postseason Birth. They quickly found a place in the Lineup (thanks to the newly Ratified Voicemail) and managed to keep the Millennials in the Underbracket until the Finals… when Anathema Elemefayo and Clare Ballard II stole two Runs from the Dale via the Ratified Tunnels to UnLose the Underbracket. Schneider Bendie and Sandie Turner, longtime Mills favorites, are both trapped in the Shadows as Thieves’ Guilds around the League threaten to swindle them or any of our other Shadows (I’m just saying it’s poor form to kidnap a baby Pitching Machine is all). Pizza Rat betrays us every Season.

How was the Mills Season 22 Election? The Millennials… seem to not have changed much at all. Former Boston Flowers coach and former Miami Dale player Beck Whitney arrives from the Hawai’i Fridays as a last-ditch effort to ensure Castillo Turner getting swapped for Chorby Short wouldn’t leave the Mills (mild) high and dry. Thomas Dracaena is now no longer an Undertaker, but… a Siphon! Hm. Nandy Fantastic was unfortunate to gain the Subtractor mod, so any Run batted in by Fantastic would be an Unrun, and vice-versa. Munro Tumblehome gained the Skipping modifier and will begin batting with a randomized count of Strikes and Balls. The Millennials also received Blessings in the form of both a Lineup and Shadows eDensity flip, so kiss those Season 15-16 Consumer fears goodbye for a while, New York.

How are the Mills’ chances in Season 23? By virtue of most of Mild High getting hit extremely hard by the Elections (my condolences, Mild League), the Mills may by default end up in the Overbracket, provided Thomas Dracaena and Conrad Vaughan hurry back from the Elsewhere Wlaffle House sooner rather than later.

Clip Clipperson

8: Seattle Garages 🎸[+8]

Hubris levels: moderate

Look, nobody knows what’s gonna happen this season. We’re getting ranked somewhere— no idea where. But the numbers are just guesses because nobody knows. Maybe… maybe we can look at recent events to take a guess of our own? Let’s do that. Here’s what we know:

Oliver Loofah’s a Subtractor. Malik Destiny is Skipping. Lotus Mango is in Philly. Betsy Trombone is pitching again, joined by Michelle Sportsman. We have a roster of sixty. Castillo Turner is in our Shadows.

Huh. Anything interesting from the past Season? Before the Election? Let’s check the Feed:

Mike Townsend hits a grand slam!

Well then. Get out the rye bread and mustard, Grandma. It’s a grand salami.

You may be asking: what does this all mean? Will Castillo Turner emerge, and will they make up for the loss of Mango? How much will Loofah and Destiny struggle with their new Modifications? What about the rest of the league? Will we have to fend off Consumers with our newly expanded band? Will the Boss’s exhibition match make the whole thing moot? Can Mike Townsend— currently Seattle’s worst-starred batter, first in line to Voicemail out of the Lineup— really help the Garages to our first championship?

Ask yourself this instead: what will you do when it happens? Mike Townsend hit a grand slam. It’s Season 23, and anything is possible.

-crab

7: Mexico City Wild Wings 🍗 [-3]

Hubris levels: moderate

As a result of the most recent Election, the Wild Wings roster has blown out six players, or one more player than good pitchers available, and star hitter Summers Preston is a Subtractor. So Wings Bad, right? Well, hold on one second there. In this age of Hype and theft, home-field advantage has never been more important, and the Wings impressive record last season was despite having the tied second-fewest home games (the Lift had the fewest). Burke Gonzales is batting again, and a season of their hitting should help mitigate a loss of production from Summers. So, Wings still good, right?

In times like this, I like to refer to the Wings’ Scientific Algorithm for Understanding and Creating Expectations (SAUCE):

IF (Burke = Pitching)
THEN (Wings = Good)
ELSE (Wings = Bad)

Well, there you have it. Wings bad. The SAUCE has spoken.

Spludge237

6: San Francisco Lovers 💋 [+11]

Hubris levels: high

We at BNN had a very difficult this season pinning down the Lovers. Now, this was not due to heated debate amongst ourselves, but instead, it primarily consisted of us motioning very confusedly in the general direction of the San Francisco Lovers Blaseball team. If we run down the team’s recent performance and Election results, it’ll be clear why: In the most recent threeson the team’s bounced all the way from inaugural Underbracket victors to going down in the Overbracket to eventual champions in the Breath Mints, and they did this by leading the current weakest division in the ILB with 69 wins, which, while nice, trails behind both of Wild’s division leaders by nine games. As for the team’s Election results, the Lovers accidentally fired off two separate Eills intended to prevent Kurt Crueller from being stolen away by the Mass Attractor blessing, both shadowing them and rerolling their Attractor to Walk in the Park, which is at the very least about a best-case scenario. Luckily Voicemail should take Kurt back out again, so in the end, it’s a marginal positive.

Thought all that was confusing? You think that’s what had the BNN rankings team perplexed? Think again, because all of that is next to nothing in comparison to what happened next. Specifically, getting both Subtractor and Skipping on the exact same player. Not only that, but they both landed on leadoff hitter Helga Moreno, which is either slightly lucky or extremely unlucky, I cannot tell. Oh, also, King Roland’s back, and based on the fact that they were frankly not the best of pitchers with the Fridays I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. Honestly, I’m not sure how to feel about any of this. Lovers good? Lovers bad? Lovers average? Regardless I can say one thing for certain, and that’s that the San Francisco Lovers certainly exist.

Jade Townsend

5: Kansas City Breath Mints 🍬 [-4]

Hubris levels: moderate

THE BREATH MINTS WON A CHAMPIONSHIP! BNN WAS RIGHT FOR ONCE! WE TRENDED ON TWITTER WOOOOOOO

Alright, now that I’ve gotten my championship screaming out of the way, let’s talk about the team, starting with the Rotation. In the least surprising twist ever, our Underhanded pitcher Michelle was taken away from us, leaving us with just a mediocre pitcher. The only really interesting part was that we EE’d Michelle to the Crabs in an attempt to defend. If that seems like it came out of left field, it did— we wimdied our Wills for the first time in nine seasons.

Lineup time! Now that we don’t have Underhanded carrying us, the batting has to improve to stay competitive. That did not happen at all. Our other will was a Take for Marco Stink that ended up being taken again. Zimmerman is still on the team and is still ruining the Voicemail. Subtractor wasn’t going to be fun no matter who it hit with only six players, but it hit Leach, our third best. Not great. We did get Reload though, which also gave Rod yet another internet-related mod, but it’s definitely not enough to counter the rest of what I just said.

In conclusion, The Breath Mints. Are probably middling again but who knows if the ILB will even exist by the end of this era.

-JumbleTheCircle

4: Ohio Worms 🐌 [+10]

Hubris levels: moderate

And they are playing, the plate slamming under the cleats and the batters grinning nervously over their metaphorical brooms. Towering over them all is Pudge and they are rotund dancing, their small feet lively and quick and now in doubletime and striking out looking with 3 in the count, huge and pale and lovely, like an enormous friend. They never sleep, they say. They say they will never die. They get caught stealing with bases loaded and hit home runs only against Underhanded pitchers and laugh deep in their throat and they are a great favorite, the Pudge. They waft their hat and the lunar dome of their skull passes palely under the stadium’s lights and they Roam from death to life and from team to team. The Worms are playoffs bound. They have great pitching and a great start of their Lineup. Pudge is one of the few holes in the Worms’ roster, ready to Voicemail out, but only after dragging the team down. They enlonge everyone’s Lineups, they roam from life and death and from team to team. Their feet are light and nimble. They never sleep, the Pudge. They never tire. They dance in life and in death and they are a great favorite. They are dancing, dancing. They say they will never die.

Dargo

3: Atlantis Georgias 🔱 [+12]

Hubris levels: low

YOU KNOW THEY SAY ALL BLASEBALLERS ARE CREATED EQUAL. BUT YOU LOOK AT ME AND YOU LOOK AT KNIGHT TRIUMPHANT AND YOU CAN SEE THAT STATEMENT IS NOT TRUE! SEE NORMALLY IF YOU GO 1 ON 1 WITH ANOTHER BLASEBALLER YOU GOT A 50/50 CHANCE OF WINNING! BUT I’M A GENETIC FREAK AND I’M NOT NORMAL! SO YOU GOT A 25% AT BEST AT BEAT ME! AND THEN YOU ADD RIGBY FREDIRICH TO THE MIX, YOU THE CHANCES OF WINNING DRASTIC GO DOWN! SEE THE 3 WAY AT SNACKRIFICE YOU GOT A 33 1/3 CHANCE OF WINNING. BUT I, I GOT A 66 2/3 CHANCE OF WINNING CAUSE RIGBY FREDIRICH KNOWS THEY CAN’T BEAT ME AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN GONNA TRY! SO KNIGHT TRIUMPHANT YOU TAKE YOUR 33 1/3 CHANCE MINUS MY 25% CHANCE AND YOU GOT 8 1/3 CHANCE OF WINNING AT SNACKRIFICE. BUT THEN YOU TAKE MY 75% CHANCE OF WINNING IF WE WAS TO GO 1 ON 1 AND THEN ADD 66 2/3 %. I GOT A 141 2/3 CHANCE OF WINNING AT SNACKRIFICE! KNIGHT TRIUMPHANT? THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE AND THEY SPELL DISASTER FOR YOU AT SNACKRIFICE!

All this to say, Georgias good and didn’t miss a beat during the election. Sosa is back to boost an already strong offense, made a little bit more variable with Rigby getting the Skipping mod, which could make them a monster at stealing bases. Geraldine Frost was the best player for Subtractor to land on and with a decently strong pitcher awaiting a Fax in the form of Steals Chark, you better watch out, because the Georgias are good!

Daydream

Normally, when I write one of these blurbs, I try to look at the weak spots of a team. I look for the things I can tear apart, the things that will really stop a team from making it in the ILB. But when you look at the Georgias Lineup this season, you really don’t see any of that. Losing Slosh Truk may have been a blessing in disguise, as Randy Dennis will probably work a lot better for the team in terms of their oppressive small-ball play.

And then you get to the Rotation. And you look at Jan Canberra. And you look at Ortiz Lopez. And you’re thinking “Well, they’re not the best, but they’re workable. The team could still go far with these pitchers.” And then you look at Lachlan Shelton. And you check the Shadows for fax relief. And it’s empty. And you look at Lachlan again.

Lachlan Shelton is— by all means, he should be perfect for Atlantis, right? I mean, he’s got “shell” in his name. Georgias should be shouting his name! They should be cheering for Shelton! Having a vaguely sea-themed name was the entire basis of their strategy for four seasons! To have one just dropped in their lap should be cause for celebration! Unfortunately, it was not. Lachlan Shelton is literally just a guy. He’s just a normal human man. He- he’s just a dude named Lachlan! What the hell do you do with that? With a guy named Lachlan? In Atlantis? This guy should be a clam! He could be a crab for all I care! Anything but a normal human man, and one who was on the Charleston Shoe Thieves to boot! Lachlan makes Knight Triumphant look good, and that’s all there is to say about that.

Lineup is solid, though. Could win a championship with that.

Sydney

2. Breckenridge Jazz Hands 👐 [+9]

Hubris levels: high

Beeg Baby coming.

Baby Doyle was one of the two unmagnified players in the top 5 RBI leaders last season. I expect the superior Wild High Baby to be the RBI leader next season. This Magnification should increase the Hands runs by a whopping 25% alone.

“Beloved” pitcher Lowe Forbes got an Underhanded ring, so along with Riley Firewall half of Jazz games are going to be pitched Underhanded. The latter half will be pitched by a Partied-up August Sky and Wyatt Pothos.

Melon is a rough Subtractor, but Melon will likely steal home or get batted in by Baby to replace the unrun immediately. With 50% underhanded pitchers, the Jazz have better odds of winning games with negative runs.

I expect a solid showing from the Hands this season, but with traitors, traders, community chests, prize matches, and consumers, the underhanded items might not make it to playoffs. If the items survive though, the Jazz have a great shot at going the distance.

-Malst

1: Hellmouth Sunbeams 🌞 [+6]

Hubris levels: low

Okay, first things first. Again, to the Solarium, I’m sorry, I have estimated the Beams. I know. But it’s my job.

Beams Good.

Our Subtractor and Skipper are both Eugenia Bickle, who had the lowest RBIs on the team last season, and Bickle could walk even more with a random starting count (as you are more likely to randomize balls than strikes due to how math works). Add in a Magnified Hahn Fox and you’ve got an offense that might even be MORE potent than last season. Miguel lost their Underhanded item, but maybe that means we’ll actually start getting some Fax boosts this season. And if we ever DO actually trigger voicemail, Guy Gulp is waiting in the Shadows now.

The last weekend of Blaseball was a pretty rough punch for us, losing the Overbracket on a 23 run black hole performance, but in a season where many teams got actively worse, the Beams might be positioned to take another run at another uppy.

One thing I’d like to mention before I go: In season 22, the Sunbeams had a team total of 438 regular season walks. The next-place Breckenridge Jazz Hands had 284. That’s 154 walks over second place.

Sunbeams are truly Walkin’ on Sunshine.

Panda

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