The Return(s): Season N2 Blaseball Power Rankings

Audio version available on the BNN YouTube.

Compiled by Cat Stlats

Season N1 gave us so much to consider, and not just stars and stats, but rules, regulations, and finally seeing how the game is going to be approached in this new era. With the season and finals in the books, it’s time for our seasonal Power Rankings, and what Power Rankings these are!

With the additional time available between seasons, our writers stepped up in every way, with networking out to more new contributors, a quality of analysis, and the largest number of power rankings ever submitted (TWENTY SEVEN)! Thank you everyone for that, you are all BNN. With that, a quick reminder that teams will be ranked by tiers, from Awful to Good, with a Hubris Index to show how much the writers agree (the lower the Hubris Index, the more the Writers agreed). All Estimations are the opinions of BNN and not stated as fact. That is, other than the Sunbeams, because this is the season of the Beams, and even Panama Dan knows it. This is your Season N2 Power Rankings, happy Blaseballing!


Chicago Firefighters

Hubris Index: 1.28

Listen, I’ve been with this team since Season 2 of Beta, so I’m going to level with you. The Firefighters don’t look good. They look maybe the worst they ever have. We came into Season N1 with amazing losing record, and quickly realized that we had two options: Improve, or Plateau.

In true Chicago fashion, we have had a third, worse answer thrust upon us: Get Worse. The [REDACTED] Houston Spies have delivered unto us Shaquille Torres, who, despite improving our batting by .2 stars overall, is still awful. This also extends the lineup so our semi-competent batters (citation needed) hit the ball even less.

Not to be dramatic, but Chicago is doomed. Our offense is bad, our defense is middling, our pitching is bad. We will pray again for blessings, but without Wills we simply have limited tools to enact change upon our team. For those of you with a sense of love and care in your hearts, I urge you to stop your reading here.

For those of you who are sickos like me, we can only pray that Season N2 brings with it a volley of Eclipse weather so we can roll these clowns again and pray for Wild Wings like results.

That’s Chicago Sports, baby!

Riley H (@ChiBlaseball)

Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos

Hubris Index: 1.92

Last place in our subleague, thankfully Relegation doesn’t pass. We whiff on blessings to potentially improve two of the worst hitters in the league, Wanda Pothos and Moses Simmons. Wait no…Nigel Candy and Pernelongo al Wazir. There we go.

The best Taco pitcher (Sexton Wheeler, sorry I meant Tot Best) is slightly above average and would be last on some rotations in the league. Most of all we have Comfort Glover Yulia Skitter who would be much better suited at bat than on the mound and Patel Beyonce Jenkins Good who would be much better suited on the mound than at bat.

Overall, there is nothing NEW about the Tacos NEW Season 1 and the expectation is that our NEW Season 2 would be more of the same checks history book so, a slightly improved record but still one of the worst teams in the league according to this. Yeah, that seems correct.


My esteemed colleague DeeJay’s assessment is mostly accurate, with one minor quibble: there’s no way the Tacos’ record is gonna improve.


Tokyo Lift

Hubris Index: 1.85

Lift bad.

After beating the firefighters to partytime and then playing like Hall to not be in the path of Relegation just in case, the Lift managed to win a blessing! Unfortunately, it’ll take more than one blessing to fix whatever’s happening in Tokyo, but fortunately we made our worst batter Red Hot, whatever that does. Suffice to say, we will be closer to party than parade for a long while.

-Spotter Pandora

New season, new universe, same party time host. I am inclined to say the Lift were robbed. I’d like to see what would happen if YOUR team played peak Mexico City 21 times!

Lift have a decent batting core with a few holes that fail to capitalize on opportunities. Pitching is fine. Gumdrop can’t seem to hold onto a ball to save their life. They aren’t the greatest team in the league, but Tokyo certainly isn’t the worst.

What the heck is a zone?


New York Millennials

Hubris Index: 1.48

Nothing happened to the Millennials. Maybe that’s a good thing? Zephyr McCloud now “Cannot Lose”. Simon Haley went on a “Quest”. Terrell Bradley was Alternated. Former Firefighters Shadow and Wild Wings MVP Anastasia Isarobot was Incinerated.

From our first Season of the new Era, Ren Hunter was our top defender. Hernando Winter was our best hitter. Bennett Bluesky was our best pitcher. Best is relative, of course. This is a Team with a lot of work to do. Nothing happens to the Millennials.

The only element of note appears to be the potential recruitment of former Jazz Hand and brief Tiger (through a Feedback dance with Famous Owens at the Pocket’s LCD Soundsystem) Spears Rogers, who was seen falling to the Millennials/Lovers on Game 24.

Maybe Spears Rogers will be found.

Maybe Enhanced Party Time will arrive.

Maybe the Millennials will win a Blessing.

Maybe something will happen to the Millennials in Season N2.

Clip Clipperson

Hades Tigers

Hubris Index: 2.89

Well, the team from WAY down under did not start off the NEW* era very well, finishing last in the second-worst division in Blaseball and posting an uncharacteristically poor record.

On the bright side, Mehdi Caper posted the best ERA in the league, Stevenson Heat is easily one of the best fielders in the league, and Zephyr McCloud had a solid power hitting season. In addition, the Tigers were lucky enough to have the best defense in terms of stats in the entire league!

On the not-so-bright side, the Tigers have three bad pitchers, some of the most atrocious hitting in the league, and are in a division with the Shoe Thieves, the defending champions who now have the best pitcher in the league, the Beams, who have far and away the best hitting in the league, the Crabs, who have the best batter in the league, and the Dale, a season N1 playoff team that improved some of their weaker players. And also the Pies, I guess.

In the election, the Tigers won the ‘Yeet’ blessing, sending their worst player, Eddie Tumblehome, into the black hole, or, uh, Philly I guess. The black hole supposedly burped out Frazier Tosser in return, but several sources have confirmed that he is buried under an inordinate amount of sand, and will need some time getting unburied. Plus, the opening of the book led to Zephyr McCloud gaining the modification ‘Can’t Lose,’ which means that he cannot lose. Surely this can only be a good thing! After all, nothing bad has ever happened to the Hades Tigers.

Expect more of the same in season N2 for the Tigers. At best they’ll do alright, at worst, uh oh. Fortunately, with some smart election planning and a little luck, the Tigers can start building their team around their stronger pieces like Caper, Jackson, and McCloud. It won’t happen right away, but success may not be far off for this NEW* Tigers team.


One blind jump into the River Styx later and Hades comes out all the worse for wear in the conclusion of NEW Season One. I was really anxious about their future prospects. Boasting one of the highest defensive rosters in the league and an invaluable fielder in the form of Stevenson Heat, it looked like the Tigers were set to defend the gates of Taenarum with the fury of a wild animal. Yet within the same breath, the Tigers also showed off just how inoffensive their lineup really was. If it wasn’t for Zephyr McCloud, I don’t think the Tigers would have broken triple digit runs this season. In a particularly Ancient Grecian twist of fate, the very player that ended other teams’ offenses was also the ender of their own offensive pushes. And while the Trojan Wall of the Tiger’s defense was strong, it showed off some gaping, gift-horse sized holes in the form of Pitcher Elip Dean.

But we can’t focus on the negatives for long. Tigers don’t look back, and the future is – as always – hopeful. With Eddie Tumblehome yeeted into the darkest pit beyond time and space (Philadelphia), Frazier Tosser steps up sporting a can-do attitude and a dream. Their division got tougher, but strong bats can’t crack a solid foundation for the future. Only poor, uncharitable fate can unwind this stripe-laden team. Amaya Jackson and Mehdi Caper are two incredible pitchers, and Grit’s only 4 of 12 Labors away from becoming the hero that will drag the Tigers to victory. And there’s hope still, in Adrian Melon, Gloria Bugsnax, Clyde Fetch and Velasquez Alstott – all sporting OBPs over .200 (trust me, this is a big deal for the Tigers right now). Getting out of the trenches might feel like a Sisyphean task, but the Tigers have risen before. They’ll do it again.

Good offense gets you through the regular season. But good defense is what carries you through postseason. You’re 50% there, Tigers.

Hell, we haven’t even talked about the best part! Didn’t you see? Their best batter, Zephyr McCloud, can’t lose! So don’t worry. I’m sure Zephyr will lead their team to a perfect 90-0 season.

I’m sure of it.


Canada Moist Talkers

Hubris Index: 2.16

Faced with a grueling slog of losses in the early season, Talker fans told each other “well, our defense is really good”. When faced with a grueling slog of losses in the mid-season, Talker fans told each other “like, the defense is solid though”. When faced with an improved performance in the late season, Talker fans – downcast, but no less moist – were found huddled in damp groups talking about “wind sprints” and “running” and “I mean the defense is good and we got Khulan Sagaba, there’s Eris Street, Haley, just, maybe next season if we can…”

But side by side with the pessimism and the desperate coping mechanisms, no Talker fan failed to appreciate Tad Seeth, no Talker fan failed to cheer whenever Tad the Lad, the great gross hope, stepped up to the plate. And no player failed to pitch and bat their way into the moist hearts of Talker fans. Great games were won against tournament favorites the Mexico City Wild Wings and whimpering games were lost against the New York Millennials. In the end, it was a mixed season but the stands were covered in spit – the sacred fluid flowed generously and with enthusiasm was given.

The future is bright for the Talkers, we say happy travels to Simon Haley as she embarks for the shadows on her Simon Quest, and with wide, wet eyes we stare at Abner Pothos in hope that their pitch be true in the coming season.



Ohio Worms

Hubris Index: 2.94

There are lots of inevitables in Blaseball. The fans will Open the Forbidden Book. The Mills will get knocked out in the 1st round of playoffs. The Mints “just need to fix their offense”. The Jazz Hands will have seasons of silence followed by intense tragedy.

And the Worms will always have a pitcher that personifies my hatred.

Oh, it didn’t start off that specific. The debut Worms S13 pitching staff was historic as a full unit: 70% more walks than any other team in history.

Then it was the “garbage dumping” seasons: S14 gave us the 1-13, 9.32 ERA NaN, who also brought the most discourse and conflict ever to be seen in Worms chat. S15 was 4-16 Luis Acevedo, with a bloated 9.9 walks in 9 innings. But all this was just a precursor, as my first true Beloathed was there the entire time, just below the surface. Like the worst of warts, the barest of threadbares … there was Patchwork Southwick.

Patchwork Southwick is somehow the Worms all-time Wins leader. That’s also good for the highest Franchise Win Leader Percentage for any leader of any franchise. And yet, Mr. Patchy’s Wild Ride is a manifestation of contradictions: A four time 20 game winner who lost EVERY important LateSeason and PostSeason game they started. An Underhanded pitcher who gave up a mountain of runs to walks & hits. Patchwork always managed to be “the second worst problem on a team with a few problems”. Anyone who has read my rantings on Twitter, Discord or here on BNN knows my antagonistic relationship with Patchy. Then, Blaseball was Nullified.

Yet the inevitable didn’t stop. Throughout the Short Circuits, the Worms always manage to have that one pitcher I focused my anger upon. 8.90 ERA Esmerelda McCollard getting the ball over 1.71 ERA Ashby Swandre in Gamma 3. Operation: Skip Yahya getting all the way to the finals, only to have the final game of the final series go to Yahya Jupiter (247 BB, 6.69 ERA) in Gamma 4.

Now, we enter the Coronation Era. When NaN fell on the 1st week of Fall Ball, I was concerned. NaN’s slot went to the Rotation, but he Received a replacement! A fresh name, a new face, a blank slate! Plus we had Winnie Hess! I declared in last week’s Power Rankings that, finally, after all this time … pitching was not the Worms’ problem. I declared the inevitable to be dead. Which, of course, was HUBRIS.

I give you the NEW* NaN, the Patchier Patchwork, The Ohno of Yahyas: Nathaniel Wilds.

3-15, 5.70 ERA (5th worst in ILB), 6.76 BB/9 (2nd worst in ILB).

How I hate them so, SO MUCH. These Worms will be TERRIBLE.


Dallas Steaks

Hubris Index: 1.89

HAHAHAHA HUBRIS! I WAS RIGHT!!!! STEAKS ARE BAD. But not as bad as I thought.

Vanille Okidoke turns out to be the powerful pinch hitter of the beta Steaks dream, hitting a blistering 28 homers, putting them in second in the league. Abner Wood and Agan Espinoza round out the hard hitters with serious Ferocity of their own. The rest of the lineup, where it fails in batting prowess, seriously makes up in the defense. With the third best defense in the league and three whole 4 star defensive players, and a rotation not to shake a stick at, hey wait what’s Archie doing there?

Sandie Carver, Case Lancaster, and the other Agan (Harrison) are all star pitchers in their own right. Sandie is a strikeout machine with a truly tremendous strikeout to walk ratio of 28.5, 5th in the league! Case is our ERA leader, only allowing an average of 1.9 runs per game!! And Agan… Agan was our winningest pitcher (.500), as well as our WHIPiest pitcher with a walk and hit per inning average of 0.827, 25th in the league! Dovydas Peeps, our fourth pitcher, still holds their own, with a WHIP of 1.000. So who is tanking the rotation?

Archie Lampman. 15th worst ERA (4.8), only won 5 games, 1.4 homeruns per game, and the funniest stat for my favorite little guy, 1.2 strikeouts for every walk. Archie isn’t just a bad pitcher, they’re a Funny pitcher.

Okay so, it would definitely be easy to overestimate our team, especially since our schedule last week was so tough. However, with our former teammate Zephyr McCloud taking the heel position this era, I will take the hint and say Steaks Bad.

-Ophelia (@DallasSteaks)

San Francisco Lovers

Hubris Index: 2.32

Let’s start with the good: Erin Jesaulenko is easily one of the best pitchers in the ILB. Alvie Kesh, likewise, was among the best hitters in NEW Season 1—and not too shabby on the field either. Speaking of defense, Olive Patel put in the work for the Lovers this past season, fielding more than any other Lovers’ defender while breaking the top twenty league-wide in Outs Above Average.

Yet, despite these strengths, Lovers still have much work to do. With the exceptions of Kesh, Kingbird, and Baek, their lineup is struggling to keep pace with league averages, let alone truly shining. Kesh, tied for ninth in the league in dingers in N1, is in the key position to drive runners home and help the Lovers score big, but Schenn and Jang (and Kingbird) need to get on base to make it happen.

The Lovers’ bigger problem though is Durham Spaceman and Donia Dollie. Simply put, neither one knows how to pitch, and together they account for a depressing forty percent of Lovers’ games. Blimp Hardison and Joshua Watson aren’t exactly stellar pitchers either (though Spaceman and Dollie make both look good in comparison), leaving it to Jesaulenko and the fielders to somehow make up for deep holes in the rotation.

This season probably won’t be the Lovers’ finest, but it certainly won’t be the worst in the franchise’s history either. With a bit of luck and some key improvements, perhaps this season could be the start of an eventual journey to the top for the Lovers.


Philly Pies

Hubris Index: 2.21

After the first Season of the new era of Blaseball, it’s clear the Pies have lost a few steps. The Pies started the season tied for second-worst team, statistically, but thanks to some diamonds in the rough finished a respectable 14th in the league, and were in the hunt for a playoff spot right until the end.

Unfortunately, the Pies came up empty during the Election, and facing down a league that has only improved around them, the Pies are in for an uphill climb. More than ever, they’ll be leaning on ace pitchers like Marco Escobar and Steals Chark to pick up the slack.

This next season might be a Sisyphean struggle, and the team’s likely to slip in the rankings, but true flans know to never estimate the Pies. Hungry dogs run faster, and the Pies might just surprise you.

Now, if we could just get Eddie Tumblehome to leave the locker room and go back where he belongs…


Houston Spies

Hubris Index: 2.36

Last week went all according to The Plan. A perfectly average team, nothing to see here. And, as planned, we have decided to go on strike. Placards are available in locker-

Get a strike. My apologies. The Houston Spies are on Strike One. What does this mean? If you find ████ ████████ ██████ █████, ███████ █████ ████. As The Ticker once said: “Spies on strike? It’s in their blood.”

As for the team itself, the only change is Agent Bradley’s alternation at the hands of the █████████ Umpire. A much better defense, but will that make up for the lack of batting power?

Only one thing is clear. Spies ███.

-from the desk of agent kit

Miami Dale

Hubris Index: 2.83

Nothing Ever Bad Happens to the Florida Team. This week is no different than last week, We Wimdy’ed our way into NEW randomized Players which, in all honestly didn’t feel that new at all. Our 2.8612% got Alternates called for Edric Tosser (making them slightly better) Una Manhattan (making them slightly better) and Serge Shortvat (making them slightly less better). But the Dale Certified Funny Bit is Eddie Mulberry getting Alternated twice, thus making them… Just Normal Eddie Mulberry (with Two Alternates in their Player’s Card).

So you might be thinking, Hey “Scary”Gary, What does all that mean for the Dale? Well, dear reader, I am Glad you asked. It means DALE ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP, DALE WILL ETCH THEIR WINS AND LOSSES INTO THE GOLDEN RECORDS OF BLASEBALL (See Rule 3 Section S (Stands for Surge Shortvat, of the Dale) of the New Book). THE VIBES WILL BE IMMACULATE, THE PARTIES FANTASTIC, NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO THE FLORIDA TEAM.



Baltimore Crabs

Hubris Index: 1.65

The Crab knows where it ranks at all times. It knows this because it knows what rank it isn’t. By running from where it is to where it isn’t, or fielding where it isn’t from where it is (whichever is more important), it obtains a difference, or deviation. The Black-Hole-to-Crab psionic connection uses deviations to generate corrective team changes to move the Crab from a ranking where it is, to a ranking where it isn’t, and upon arriving at a rank it wasn’t, it now is. Consequently, the ranking that it was, is now the ranking that it isn’t.

In the event that the ranking that it is in is not the ranking that it wasn’t, the psionic connection has acquired a variation, the variation being the difference between what rank the Crab is, and what rank the Crab isn’t. If a variation is considered to be a significant factor, it too may be corrected by the Black Hole. However, the Crab must also know what rank it was.

The Black-Hole-to-Crab psionic connection scenario works as follows. Because Tiera Wigdoubt has modified some of the runs the Crab may obtain, it is not sure just what ranking it is. However, it is sure what ranking it isn’t, within reason, and it knows what ranking it was. It now subtracts what its ranking should be from what ranking it wasn’t, or vice-versa, and by differentiating this from the algebraic sum of what ranking it shouldn’t be, it is able to obtain the deviation and its variation, which is called hubris.

Thus, since the Crabs placed 13th in Season 1 (Crabs Bad), it stands to reason that the Crabs will be placed at least 11th in Season 2 (Crabs Good).

Expect this to flip-flop for the next six seasons.


Boston Flowers

Hubris Index: 3.44

The Boston Flowers started off Season 1 looking Good. The team had one of the highest average Running and Vibes Stars in the League, and our pitching punched above its weight with two players, Spears Taylor and Amir Murphy showing up on the Strikeout Leaderboards on Day 23 in 1st and tied for 4th places respectively. The only thing that seemed to be missing was a solid batting core.

As the season went on it became clearer that the team was missing more than just a batting core – the team had more holes than an old wheelbarrow.

The lineup featured the second-worst JT in the league, amongst other notably bad hitters such as Kelvin Drumsolo. Our fielding was awkward with Jenkins Ingram eagerly fielding everything they could, even though they shouldn’t. Meanwhile Jessica Telephone stood around instead of using her high Magnet to score Outs. As the Days went on our pitchers started to fall off the leaderboards, as they couldn’t make up for the weaknesses in our batting or fielding, and we ultimately failed to make the Postseason.

Things weren’t all bad however, Zack Sanders ended up hitting the second-most doubles in the league AND hit the most triples.

The Boston Flowers were in desperate need of some tender love and care, and by god did they get it during the Election. We won the NEW Team Boost Blessing, boosting our entire teams Stars by 0.5, causing us to leapfrog many teams in average star counts.

The new and improved Boston Flowers now have the second-highest Running and the second-highest Pitching in the League, which is backed up by the highest Vibes across both the Lineup and the Rotation!

You best keep an eye on the Boston Flowers this Season as they’re sure to shoot into the top of the standings. Assuming we don’t get as Incinerated as hard as in the Discpline Era, of course.


Broken Ridge Jazz Hands

Hubris Index: 2.29

In every universe, every short circuit, every fresh roll, the Jazz Hands have had terrible to bad pitching. Standouts like Wyatt Pothos & August Sky are but two aces in a sea of walks and earned runs.

That has finally changed for the Hands. After winning the pitching blessing they have gone from dead last pitching to middling. A feat so horrifying to the Sim that the very gods had to destroy our beloved mountain.

With a strong core offense and average arms the Jazz have achieved a dream. Should be about on par with the Friday’s fresh rolls now.


Hellmouths Open

Ridges Broken

Jazz waits for no man or god

We are coming.


Core Mechanics

Hubris Index: 2.26

“What do you mean I have to get out there and do the Power Rankings Core blurb? How did you even find me, it’s been years?! I’m not going out there, HAVE YOU SEEN THE FOUR SUN UMPS?! Not to mention the time travel shenanigans…fine alright, I’ll do it.”

The Core Mechanics have finished the first season of the ‘Coronation Era’ of Blaseball in 2nd place in the Awful Evil Division, missing out on the playoffs by four games to the Seattle Garages. Overall, it was a solid performance throughout the season with a late comeback to put us in playoff contention in the final few games.

The Mechs have found an early star within batter Sheri Friday who established themselves as one of the sport’s top batters this season. And, with potential future stars such as fan favourite pitcher Chorby Short, waiting in the wings aiming to make a huge impact for the team in the future.

That’s where we find the Mechanics, in “maintenance mode”. The Strong Start blessing from the Election allows the team to begin addressing their batting issues and lay the groundwork for future improvements. The team’s pitching in reality has been better than what their ILB Stars Rating would indicate, and overall, the team has no glaring weaknesses that need fundamentally addressing.

But, despite this, the Mechanics will likely just barely miss out again on a playoff place, given the improvements across the Evil League.

However, if the Mechanics proved anything after descending during the Expansion Era, it was their ability to compete within the playoffs, lifting two Championship titles within only five playoff appearances. Now, competing with the potential for their 6th ILB Championship title and entry into the Tournament of Champions, they are a team not to be written off lightly during this era.


Hawai’i Fridays

Hubris Index: 3.12

Usually, the Hawai’i Fridays survive on vibes alone. A historically chill team on a mission to speedrun Party Time rather than vie for the playoffs, the Fridays rarely survive to the postseason. But armed with back to back batting duo Justice Spoon and Elijah Valenzuela, the Fridays beat out the Yellowstone Magic and overtook the Seattle Garages to be the #3 seed in the Awful Conference. Sure, they got swept 0-3 by the Georgias in the quarterfinals, but their record in the second half of the season was a strong performance we haven’t seen from the Fridays since the Discipline era. Far exceeding their 0.500 goal, days 60 through 90 saw the Fridays play with a 27-3 record—including a 15 win streak—raising their season record to 0.644. The Fridays even held their own against the season leader, the Wild Wings, to win a game with Anastasia Isarobot (may they rest in violence) at the mound.

Looking forward to season 2, the Fridays earned the Shore Up blessing with approximately 10% of the vote, boosting pitcher Svetlana Dickens’s Stealth (Running) by 5 stars. Though this does little to help her in the pitching rotation, you never know what position you’ll find yourself playing in blaseball! An unusually strong NEW* Season 1 Fall Ball showing spells a potential end to the Fridays’ consistent mediocrity, but fans will be relaxing on island time regardless of their teams performance in the Coronation Era seasons to come.

As a new fan, I’m happy to get acquainted with our new players and see what they have to show. Most diehard longtime Fridays fans are happy to have Elijah Valenzuela back and hope he can take on the Coronation Era with the same anti-establishment enthusiasm that has defined the rest of his blaseball career.

For now, we’re all staying tuned to see what the umpires throw at us in the offseason!


Seattle Garages

Hubris Index: 2.97

Guess whose Thwack in the house
Flannels flip-flappin’ about
Fine, fresh, hitting ’em, bats to 11
Our logline, ”Punks small-ballin'”
Other teams sweatin’
It’s tens on the scoreboard with no doubt
Triples like WOW!
Doubles ’bout to end this drought
Singles so plentiful, what hole in left field?
Should be criminal
Why defend when our hits are this loud?

Now they call…

-incognito8, with no apologies to RuPaul

The Garages are once again postseason hopefuls in NEW Season 2. Last season the team was Sitting at a Troubled Medium (-P.S Eliot) of the extremely competitive Chaotic Evil division. The question on every fan’s mind: Can 1 star of Thwack make up for the Garages’ shortcomings during Season 1? The Magic are sprinting ahead and while the Wild Wings might be down, they’re certainly not out of the picture.

Does the team’s improved offense make up for the hole in the left field, or pitchers like Timmy Vine who just can’t seem to manage a good parking job? Can the Garages’ defense keep up with other offensive teams or will they be running Circles ‘Round the Moon(-Nana Grizol)? Will our friendship with the Yellowstone Magic be destroyed by bitter intra division rivalry? I know the answer to one of the questions: Never, park-park it besties.

Questions abound. All I can say for certain is, I’m excited to see some more Positive Contact(-Deltron 3030) from rising stars Chambers Simmons and Deion Gamage.

-Vivi and incognito8


Atlantis Georgias

Hubris Index: 2.02

If historic precedent is any indication, one thing remained true going into this era, which is that the Georgias continue to be completely ignored by the Blaseball Gods. The Georgias managed to avoid any and all consequences from the Forbidden Book opening, but they also won exactly Zero blessings in the election, which instead ended up in the hands of teams they were already competitive with, like the Sunbeams, Shoe Thieves, and Mechanics.

For what it’s worth, I think the Georgias are still gonna be pretty good in Season 2. Nothing has changed about them since the last season, where the Georgias were among the best teams in the league. With batting talent like Mckinney Vaughan and Juan Murphy, and a rotation that would be consistently good if not for Justin Alstott, the Georgias remain one of the league’s most well-rounded teams.

Compared to other top contenders, however, the Georgias don’t have a lot that especially stands out, which ultimately I think will be their downfall. That, or their downfall will be inclement weather. The Georgias have never been one of the league’s luckiest teams. Who knows when one of their star players will be incinerated, or worse, banished to the shadows by a falling Knight Triumphant.

Expect good things from the Georgias in Season 2, just don’t expect one of those things to be a championship.


Kansas City Breath Mints

Hubris Index 1.87

The Coronation Era started off fantastically for the Breath Mints.

Landing in Chaotic Good – by far the weakest division – we made it into the Postseason unchallenged off the back of a top tier Rotation featuring League best pitcher Plums Blather, and an albeit mediocre offense (the more things change, the more they stay the same). Despite its mediocrity, our lineup still featured stars such as League Home Run Leader Stretch Sutton and defensive powerhouse Brooklyn “The Rock” Nottingham.

We lost to the eventual Season 1 Champions the Charleston Shoe Thieves in the Quarter Finals, making us arguably the second best team in the League by the end of the Season.

Naturally, the Breath Mints’ extreme organization came together for the election, resulting in us winning the Yeet blessing and ejecting offensive anchor Jesse Tredwell into the Black Ho-

We didn’t win Yeet? Okay, then Jesse was shadowed by Shadow Play right? We didn’t win that either? What DID we win?

Nothing? But then that would mean that Jesse Tredwell is still on the team.

Where’s Revoke? Where’s Move? I’ll even take a Foreshadow or an Alternate at this point. I miss Wills.

Regardless, the Breath Mints are still goo and will remain a top contender going into Season 2.


Yellowstone Magic

Hubris Index: 2.32

The first season of The Coronation Era brought some stellar vibes and energy to Yellowstone, from opening up with some Friday Night Magic alongside the Hawaii Fridays to the returning Inky Rutledge leading our lineup. Seeing ILB leading stellar slugger Kiki Avci spring to life was awe-inspiring, and well-known rat, Rat Mason, showed some serious chops thanks to his unreal levels of guile.

There were truly shining moments for many players on the roster as a whole, which unfortunately ran into some serious trouble spots in the form of the ILB Champion Mexico City, Baltimore, and Canada. The last two of which seemingly had Yellowstone’s number despite less than stellar performances against other teams. Season N2 for Yellowstone is already looking WAY uppie, and not just because the extra stars for the Lineup from elections. There is, however, something else that Yellowstone can do, right now, to secure an all more assured victory in New Season 2.

They get out the shovels.

Why, you ask? Because life’s a garden, and you gotta dig it, and what better to dig out of any garden than one of the greatest Boston Flowers players of all time, Jacob “Just a Guy” Haynes. During a game this season in the Park Park, Jacob Haynes fell from the Black Hole without striking a player, and thus was buried without entering any shadows. That’s right, 5.6 star former amazing slugger and possibly the worst base stealer ever, Jacob Haynes.

Following in the fate-ladened footsteps of King Weatherman from Season 12, Jacob would be a stellar addition to a lineup ready to pop off with the consistent home run and on base power that he brings. On top of that, it’s vital to remember that Jacob’s JUST a guy. He’s a frighteningly normal dude who can hold his own against the supernatural and magical on a daily basis. He wakes up in the morning, gets his Dunks, and gets to training, every day of the week. His excessively normal nature is part of where his power comes from, instead of eldritch or mechanical might, he embraces the extreme of being common, every day, even average. What would be a better complement to some of the most magically astute wizards, witches, and squid(s)?

To be clear, however, we have no idea where he’s ACTUALLY buried, but what the heck, why not.

So start digging up the Park Park on a gamble, we’ve got a Jacob to find, and while you’re at it, maybe blast JUST A GUY a time or two, just for good measure.

Dan Hahn

Help me, I’m so scared, I was told Magic was 5th in the Evil Conference, so I went on a [LEGALLY ACQUIRED DRUG]-fueled bender and ended up 6 miles deep into Yellowstone National park. When I awoke with a fright, I stumbled and crawled my way through dense forest, rocky crags, and wet water, until I finally made it to the gate out of here. as I gasped and raced towards my freedom, I was stopped by an imposing figure. It was Demet Cabrera. They were 18 feet tall (the equivalent of their current star count) and spoke in a voice that shattered stone. I can’t quite recall what they said because my ears ruptured from the decibels they were belting out, but it was probably something about needing a pass. I do not have a pass, so now I am not allowed out. There was also something about a fine but I don’t have any money, so I had to go back the way I came.

How the hell did I get in, and how the hell do I get out? Did I wake up in a new dimension? Why is everyone telling me “Magic has the highest defense rating in the League”? Someone else has to handle what’s going on with the Magic, because I’ve clearly woken up on the wrong side of reality. What ever happened to All Bats Just Right Yellowstone Blaseball?


Mexico City Wild Wings

Hubris Index: 1.02

I went to Asastasia Isarobot’s funeral today.

I mean, I’m paid to, it’s literally my job, but also I wanted to. This version of the team has only existed for such a short time, but already you could see a league powerhouse forming. There’s hitting here for days; Katja Twain is a highlight, but Letitia Diop and Baldwin Jones are no slouches. But Anastasia’s loss hurts, both in the way that the sudden loss of a friend, a teammate, a leader hurts, and also specifically in the way that there were a lot of wins Anastasia pitched, and it’s an open question how many of those Göran Ndoye can replace.

The good news for the Wings is that I was speaking to James Boy at the funeral, and they said that they have completely recovered from being struck by Carter O’Conner falling at near-terminal velocity from the black hole in Game 12 and should be returning to the line-up this season. We in the Wild Wings Press Box all wish Atma Blueberry and Fletcher Peck a speedy recovery from being hit by Jefferson De La Cruz and Yusef Puddles respectively.

It’s hard to predict what this roster turmoil will ultimately mean for this team; by first appearances they will be a worse team than last season, but depending on how severe that dropoff is, a worse team than last season could still be one of the top teams in the league. But as I am often reminded, the league is unpredictable and disaster could strike any team at any time.

After all, I went to Asatasia Isarobot’s funeral today. Rest in Violence.


Charleston Shoe Thieves

Hubris Index: 1.15

Yes, the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams have seen their hitting boosted across the board, adding more power to an already potent lineup. They will be hard to beat. But you beat offense with good pitching and defense, and the Shoe Thieves have both in abundance.

Charleston finished with the best ERA in ILB in Season 1 of what is now the Coronation Era, fueled by a top-five K/BB ratio and the best hit suppression in the league. They’ve added a perfect pitcher via the election process in Derrick Krueger, whose scouting report suggests will slot in as an ace ahead of already amazing pitchers in Kathy Matthews and Premjeet Liu to form a trio of nearly unbeatable arms in the rotation for Charleston.

If the ball does go into play, the best defense in Blaseball will be waiting, led by Penelope Berkowitz, will be there to take away hits other teams would allow.

The offense, featuring Jammy Decksetter and Fish Summer, is more than good enough, ranking in the Top 10 in my predictive OPS+ metric heading into Season 2. This is a team without a weakness and ready to upset the overwhelming favorite Sunbeams and claim two straight championships.

-Firewall Andrews

Hellmouth Sunbeams

Hubris Index: 0.42

Hoo boy. Oh man. Panama Dan, you’re in it now. Okay, deep breath, you gotta do this, you’re just gonna have to do this, go home, and take your lumps.

In the preseason, I flatly refused to estimate the Sunbeams. I’ll do it, I’m not afraid of it, but I gotta have data to back me up. Well, now I have data, and the only thing I can do is directly estimate the Sunbeams.

And I am forced, as I am sure many of my colleagues are, to directly estimate the Sunbeams as the odds on favorites going into the next season. The Sunbeams batting squad, freshly juiced off of the Batter Boost blessing, looks to be completely unstoppable headed into season 2. Even the new best batter on the Crabs, Tiara Wigdoubt, can’t compete with some of these Boosted Beams. In an Awful Good that was already the most competitive division at the top, almost every team improved,. But despite the Shoe Thieves gaining Derrick Kreuger and the Crabs with the aforementioned Tiana, none of this compares to the impact of a full star amongst an entire batting lineup.

With the Wild Wings getting worse due to the loss of their star pitcher and batter, It’s hard to see who can compete with the Sunbeams for the regular season record.

These aren’t even your Sunbeams of old. Dunn Keyes and Mooney Doctor are legitimate pitching threats, probably in the top 10 of all pitchers, and the Sunbeams defense, while bad, isn’t the catastrophic liability it was in Beta.

But, as with all flights, and as the Beams are prone to do, is this just flying too close to the sun? Is this season 11, where the Sunbeams launched into the stratosphere and couldn’t be stopped, or season 13, where the Beams inexplicably crash down to earth despite getting demonstrably better.

It remains to be seen, but without the gift (or curse) of prophecy, this reporter has only one choice, in their estimation.

Sunbeams #1.

Panama Dan

Imagine you are in a desert and come across a cube. How large is it? What is it made of? How round is it?

Now, you see a ladder. What material is it made of? How tall is it? Is it above the cube, next to it, on the ground, or where else? How far down does it lead?

Then, picture a horse. Where is it? What is it doing? How many legs does it have? How threatening is it?

Next, picture flowers. How many do you see? What kinds of flowers are they? What do their roots burrow into, thin plant strands gently choking…what? And how long ago did it die?

Finally, a thunderstorm begins. How violent is it? How far away is the lightning? How powerful is the thunder which comes after? What’s raining down on you, and why do you immediately seek shelter? What colour is the sky, and why is there no word for it?

The cube is you! You are the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams. It’s large because you are a strong and confident team, coming off a great season and an even better offseason. It’s floating because you plan to soar above the rest of the division, carried by the immense power of your offense. It’s made of glass, because your defense sucks ass. But that’s okay.

The ladder is your division! Chaotic Good is a deep dark hole where you, the most dangerous team in the postseason, the team who wants a ring the hardest despite the game being rigged against them, the ILB’s most consistently successful team from way down under, the greatest team in Blaseball history and the Baltimore Crabs try to shiv each other in the dark. And there’s only so much space on that ladder, and the blood makes it slick and slippery…

The horse is a symbol of your ideal self! That’s why it has many legs, with many human hands that can hold many, many bats.

Flowers signify your legacy! They’re bright yellow sunflowers, rings of gold representing the many you are expected to win, growing on the corpse of your previous, unestimatable, self.

The thunderstorm reveals your fears! It’s directly in front of you, hanging over your clear future, and it drizzles down shoelaces. Because all the bats in the world may not matter if you can’t hit the ball into play…


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