Compiled & edited by Cat Stlats
Blaseball is back.
The only thing we know for sure is that everything about Blaseball will be different in the new era. But that won’t stop our stats-hungry contributors from ranking the teams, along with introducing themselves and their favorite players. As you’re about to see, the teams are now ranked in tiers, from Awful to Good. Happy timezone, splorts fans.
Mexico City Wild Wings
The press box at the Bucket, home of the Mexico City Wild Wings lies still in the darkness. Beckoning. With a start, light starts pouring in through the window of the box as the stadium floodlights flare into life, a sudden presence in the dark nothingness. As the room illuminates, a figure that had gone unnoticed by stadium security in the long, long offseason stirs. As it lifts its head, it becomes readily apparent that it is Spludge237, Wings beat reporter-for-hire.
Wha… where am I? Last thing I remember, I was covering a game in Boston, and there was this terrible void in the sky… Dios del cielo, what happened?
Pull yourself together, Spludge. Right you’re here in the press box, it’s the Bucket, so you’re home, it’s… a time. Programme, I need a game programme. Right, so it’s before game… 1? Man, my preview column is surely overdue now. Ok, page 5ish for the roster, and… who are these players? Why haven’t I heard of them? Why are there no entries in their career stats? Can management really be expecting to play a team consisting entirely of rookies? I mean, with a team like that, anything can happen…
The electronic scoreboards, advertising hoardings, and other displays start coming to life, each showing the calibration image; Pase Lo Que Pase, the slogan of the Mexico City Wild Wings. In his mind, Spludge237 hears the crowd roaring the chant: Anything Can Happen! Anything Will Happen! Anything Has Happened! A smile starts spreading across his face.
I guess that means we’re back. Play blall.
If historic precedent is any indication, one thing will remain true going into the next era, which is that the Hubris Cycle will be running as strong as ever. The Georgias will win a game, and we’ll claim we’re the best team in the league. Then we will lose a game, and claim we’re the worst team to ever play Blaseball, ever. We will end the season with a middling-to-bad record, go absolutely wild on Saturday night, and then proceed to win no blessings in the election. Same as it ever was.
Look, I can’t tell you how good these Georgias are gonna play. Most of these players have hardly played any Blaseball in their lives, so it’s hard to be optimistic, but who knows! Maybe this fresh talent is what the league needs. Probably not. They’ll probably just get their asses whipped by people that actually know how to play the game. Beck Whitney seems pretty experienced, but we’ve already death-flagged her, so she’s probably not lasting very long.
But hey, it could be worse. It’s not like we have anyone as bad as Knight Triumphant dragging us down.
Canada Moist Talkers
(note: Fact checkers have found the numbers in this message to be based on pure random guesswork. No forbidden research was done in the making of this prediction.)
The Falls really shook things up for the Talkers, and not in a good way. With leadoff hitter and former 4.4 star batter Paula Reddick chopped up by the new stats system, they’ll have a hard time Thriving or Surviving with both stats under 5. Having by far the lowest Thwack on the team with 1.2, Donna Milcic is set for a rough start as well.
Luckily some stat changes are in their favour, and with the new pitching ace Tad Seeth empowered by an incredible 14.4 Control, the Talkers are going to be a defensive wall when they’re on the mound.
Even with new stats, baserunning is not in the cards for the MTs with old man Pothos being the only one who can move it on base. His stealth of 7.2 is nothing to write home about, but with a hustle of 11.3, at least the whole team won’t be moist walkers, amirite?
The team’s offense is going to lean heavily on Slugger’s 10.7 reflex and 12.6 ferocity to drive home those dingers. But with two pitchers having a Vision score of under 1, it doesn’t look like the Talkers will be able to rely on consistent pitching. Hopefully the introduction of fielding will make the difference in keeping the Talkers away from the new relegation mechanic.
-Maude R. Ation
BLASEBALL IS BACK BABY AND THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!!!! Steaks Bad!!!!!!!! insert gif of alarm bells going off in celebration
With a roster filled to the brim with meat puns, a baby, and both Agans, the Steaks can be certain that this upcoming season will be sensational, if not a little silly.
Kansas City Breath Mints
We just need to fix the mints offense/defense. Possibly both. I’ll let you know in next week’s blurb.
Also, happy birthday Conrad Twelve!
San Francisco Lovers
There are only 25 blimps in the world and the ILB’s blimp is BACK in SF. Can this new crew successfully manage to steer the Lovers’ airship to victory? There is potential!
With an underrated amount of experience coming through Joshua Watson, Wanda Schenn, Durham Spaceman and Mordecai Kingbird the Lovers seem to have moved from the superstar-led roster. No longer is the team top heavy with focal points of Don Mitchell, Yosh Carpenter or Knight Triumphant but a well-mixed balance of experience and fresh talent.
San Francisco has the least wear and tear on their players, which can lead to incredible growth from newcomers Alvie Kesh, Patel Olive, Kiki Junior Jr. and Donia Dollie. A lot of potential, this team can go all the way.
Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos
After an entire era of having the LA Unlimited Tacos roster be full with with overlapping names, a similar theme emerged in the building of the Fall Ball Roster. No longer are the tacos the team of multiple Rats, Basilios, Sasquatches and more obviously Wyatts or Masons. We are the team full of “no not that one”.
Like one on the hunt for a Koy Detmer autograph and getting stuck with Ty instead, the Taco roster is full of players who share their names with more established former stars.
Superstar hitter Rai Spliff? Nope, get golden glove hopeful Cedric. Taco shadow returning Jeb Kranch? Nope, get captain Allan. Sun killer Tot Fox or superb base stealer Forrest Best? What if they merge! Get Tot Best! Incredible pitcher and champion Dunlap Figueroa? Close, you get incredible pitcher and playoff choker Elvis.
With these players alongside players with very little wear and tear on them like Yulia Skitter and Donia Bailey, it seems like the infinite cities are prime for the rebuild.
Old fans of Blaseball, such as myself, remember names like Juice Collins, Silivia Rugrat and Farrell Seagull as stars of the league from an era long lost and mostly forgotten. They have fallen to Tokyo to provide a bit of a boost to a franchise that joined the ILB in Season 11 and went on to claim Victory in Season 19, but mostly because of the strange rules of that regular season which turned Wins into Unwins.
After that, things get quite hazy with underbrackets and overbrackets, but all you need to know is: The Lift used to be not great, and everything we know about the roster so far suggests another slow start for the league’s most Swole team.
As for the returning players, Collins was a career Fridays hitter since records have been kept, serving as a below-average hitter with a good amount of speed on the bases. Seagull bounced around the league but came to fame with the Garages and Pies in the Discipline Era, where they would go over 100 hits in a season for seven straight campaigns before a disastrous move to the Worms. Rugrat was a long-time member of the Wild Wings and served as a fantastic pitcher, a position that they should hopefully get a chance to play again. With almost 4000 career strikeouts and only 266 walks allowed, Rugrat is the one player who could launch the Lift to the top of their weight class in the upcoming season if they land at the right position.
But otherwise, there’s not a lot of known star power on this squad, so fans in Tokyo should be ready to vote to Change their roster in the coming seasons to adjust for the new era of Blaseball.
I was unsure of how to power rank the Chicago Firefighters, so I tried to consult some witches, but instead of answering they said that I would become the King of Scotland and my buddy’s kids would become the King after me before disappearing. Then the King made me Thane of Crawdor and I’m like ‘I don’t even know where that is, are the Firefighters are going to be good this season’ but then my wife says I need to kill the king to get the throne, and then the King says he’s going to my castle at Inverness??? Anyway, this has gotten out of hand so I decide to go to bed but my wife wakes me up and says ‘Hey go kill the king’ and at this point I’m in no place to argue so I stab him, and figure I should get out of dodge but then this Macduff guy shows up and then two other guys flee, and everyone blames those dudes for the murder and I’m now King of Scotland.
And I figure now that I’m on the throne I can finally figure out if the Chicago Firefighters are going to be good or not but then my wife tells me I have to ‘take care of Banquo and his sons’ and I’m like ‘okay send some guys.’ But then she meant it in a ‘kill them dead’ kind of way so now Banquo’s ghost is hanging out when I’m trying to ask about the Firefighters and also they missed one of his sons so like that’ll bite me later. Anyway, I decide ‘I’m gonna try the witches again’ but they just tell me some cryptic stuff about trees and also not to fear anyone born of a woman and I’m like ‘This is a weirdly specific warning I just want to know if Karato Rangel can supplement the defense’ but they just said ‘Beware the thane of Fife’ and now I’m pissed and trying to get any kind of statistical information on this Blaseball Team but then it turns out A. Macduff is trying to take over my castle with Malcolm’s army and B. My wife is dead, and it’s at this point I remember that I don’t even *have* a wife.
So anyway the army does some forest camouflage and Macduff kills me because of some weird medical loophole. But as I laid there dying, I figured I might as well give one last shot to the whole power ranking thing, and ask Macduff if he knows if the Chicago Firefighters will be any good.
And MacDuff stared at me and said “They will be just so-so. Nerd Pacheco cannot lead the offense effectively but the holes are somewhat patched up by Don Elliot and Frankie Incarnate. However their pitching leaves a lot to be desired.”
And then I died, knowing that the Chicago Firefighters will be mediocre tomorrow. And Tomorrow. And Tomorrow.
–Chicago Firefighters Raiden, Ex-King of Scotland, Current Ghost
Philly Pies general manager Hoagie Schuylkill proudly waited outside the visiting locker room after the final out to give Steals Chark and the players on her victorious new-look team an appreciative fist pound on Monday afternoon.
Midflanker Thomas Marsh yelled out, “There you go! There you go.” Pitcher Chet Takahashi gave a look of pleasant surprise. Guard Marco Escobar yelled out, “We got an [expletive] squad now.” And before Chark hit the locker room door, former Blaseball great Eduardo Woodman hugged her and said, “Y’all look so different.”
“At the end of the day, I like being around players that want to win and work hard,” Chark said. “I know I demand a lot of excellence in my teammates. I demand it out of myself, too. On the road, we are going to play as well as we can and put ourselves in contention to compete for another championship. And that’s my mindset.”
What do you get when you take four rookies, three decent pitchers, a reverberating baby, a cat with excellently timed purring and a walk-lovin’ dragon?
Rebrand the band, baby!
As we return to the illustrious and genre-breaking game that is Blaseball here in the near future, the Hades Tigers have to contend, like every team, with reforming their roster after The Fall. While a vast majority of the hot new Tigers roster is a scattering of talent from across the league, one name stands out as a day one Tiger in the form of Elip Dean.
Despite lurking in the shadows from the beginning of the Discipline Era, Dean has lived through and brings experience from the Tigers powerhouse glory days of not just league championships, but ILB championships and postseason appearances. Even through the Expansion Era, where the Tigers saw fewer Finals appearances, there were still many a postseason showing for Dean to quietly tuck under their belt of experience for just this occasion.
That new lineup is a packed one, from new players fresh from the shadows and shelves, to some true veterans of the Blaseball world:
Elip Dean – Returning from the Tigers’ Shadows
Zephy McCloud – Formerly on the Steaks
Amaya Jackson – Formerly on the Lovers’ Shadows
Stephenson Heat – Formerly on the Fridays
Grit Freeman – Newly Fallen
Velasquez Alstott – Formerly on the Shoe Thieves
Steals Mondegreen – Formerly on the Lift and Firefighters
Gloria Bugsnax – Formerly on the Flowers
Certainly some of these names stand out as major players in previous Eras. Alstott, a power hitter from the Shoe Thieves, has been around since the very beginning of the Discipline Era and has been a part of many a clutch play. Complementing Alstott is Gloria Bugsnax, who grew from the incineration of Flowers player Matheo Carpenter in Season 4 as a bud to a powerful batter and fielder, always accompanied by Flowers fans shouting CHOMP! There’s also Zephyr McCloud, formerly of the Steaks, and Stevenson Heat, a well known and loved Fridays player, both of which knew how to swing a swatter with the best of them, especially McCloud who ended the Expansion Era with a whopping 9.4 stars in batting.
Rounding out the new roster are a host of new or lesser known players, eager to prove themselves. Jackson is still fresh out of the Lovers’ shadows and never saw active play. Mondegreen, who held up alright defensively for the Lift but was never a major force, is speculated to be a solid addition. Finishing the fresh bloods is Grit Freeman, who only freshly fell into Blaseball, crowbar in hand and eager to swing away. The big question is, will Elip Dean have the chops and mettle to turn this ragtag bunch into a cohesive lineup for this new Tigers era?
The Devil’s in the details, and we’re eager to see what this new generation fresh out of Hades has to offer. Always look forward, Never Look Back.
New York Millennials
Looks like Blaseball has Fallen mostly into place, so it’s time to speculate (same as it ever was). Based on Season 24, these new New York Millennials are a mixed bag. Bennett Bluesky was a talented Spies pitcher, often part of their condensed Rotation. Ren Hunter was a Discipline Era slugging marvel, though a Redaction, Attraction, subsequent Alternation, and trip through a Black Hole have maybe spaghettified the only returning Millennial. Jonathan Catalina was a very late era Lovers prospect, with a well rounded line of stats. Ryuji Ngozi had a brief five-game appearance for Kansas City before they were sent back to the Shadows. Hernando Winter, Stan Schenn, and Jana Beats comprise three rookies making their debuts, originating from Breckenridge, Philly, and Tokyo respectively. Bottles Suljak and Mira Lemma made waves with their appearance as part of the S12 Core Mechanics, though Expansion Era power creep left these two behind. Peanutiel Duffy rounds out the ten-strong roster, a historically very good Player, originating from the old Mills’ rivals, the Hades Tigers, and later the Chicago Firefighters (rivals of a different nature, from time shenanigans to Blood Bath Avoidance).
I predict that without Sandie Turner’s power level setting a pattern that seemed to replicate the Mills’ success (or lack thereof), these new Millennials will have to figure out their own traditions. With no as of yet confirmed “pitcher” or “rotation”, judging from Season 24 statistics, Bennett Bluesky and Mira Lemma seem to be the best choices for such a role, though as we have now been made all-aware, the Front Office makes its own decisions. The only constants in Blaseball in New York is that the Millennials will show up fifteen minutes late with coffee, and they will perform adequately.
Goodbye to the old Millennials, many scattered throughout the League, many still trapped within the vacuum above.
Hello to the new Millennials, who we will continue to cheer, jeer, construct confusing bits about, and get to the Playoffs with only to be unceremoniously kicked back out in Round 1.
Let’s go, Mills. Baby. Love Da Mills.
■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■ Mason IV ■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■. ■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■ Grackle ■■■■■■■■ ■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■, ■■ ■■■■■■■■ Javier ■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■. ■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■Nava ■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■, ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■ Ramsey ■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■, ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ Rosa, ■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■. ■■■■ Bradley ■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■, ■■■■■■ ■■■ ■■, ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■. ■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ Franklin ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■. ■■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■ ■ ■■■■■■■■ ■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■■. ■■■■■■■ Yuniesky ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■■■. ■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■. ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ ■■. ■■■■■■■■ Deleuze ■■■■ ■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■■.
-from the desk of agent kit (lowercase)
Look. Ya take the new Mechs: you’ve got what, Jolene Willowtree (ed: Jolene Willowtree did not fall) …You’ve got, uh, Zoey Kirchner? (ed: Zoey Kirchner also did not fall) OK, you’ve got Shirai McElroy and Mindy Kugel – (ed: Mindy’s on the Mints now)
You’re telling me the Mechs can’t pitch? The Mechs? Pitching? That’s the only thing they’re any good at! (ed: They’ve got Chorby Short) What, Foul Ball 0-2 Chorby Short? Subtraxon Buckley? That’s who we’re leaning on now? Who the Hall is Scoobert Toast???
Well, time to trade for PolkaDot Patterson, I guess, that’s always worked for us in the past. (ed: they’re still in the black hole too)
In Hades it rains type AB-minus
And the blood drops evaporate before they hit the ground
Chesapeake blue crabs by the water here
Trouble in town
I feel like I’m gonna drown down here
It’s all coming down down here
Hurricanes in from Miami
Tore up the neighborhood
A telegram from Philadelphia
And the news is not good
And I don’t speak the language down here
It’s all coming down down here
Parker MacMillan is my name
Baltimore is my station
Heaven is my resting place
God is my salvation
-glumbaron (with apologies to John Darnielle)
Breckenridge Jazz Hands
I want to turn the ILB into a great city of jazz. At eventide the Breckenridge Transit Authority will transport my family and guests to and from the jam sessions held every night at the foot of The Tower which looms over the heart of our fair city, unseen by all save those cursed to play beneath its gaze, and the Commissioner will show up at the door and they will say, “Sir, I’ve had reports you’ve turned the ILB into a great city of jazz. You realize this is illegal in the Immaterial Plane.” And I will laugh–chortle, really–as I invite them to sit with me on my balcony overlooking the vast diamond-shaped Breckenridge Community Theater and Ballfield, which once contained the power of the mighty Lowe Forbes, and around which Sklimbalshank’s Hype Train frantically whirls. On that day, I think we will briefly glance not one but two Yams peeking out at us from the darkest depths of The Pit, their eyes promising glorious unfathomable possibilities. “Parker,” I will say, “do not think it rude of me, please, but might I question the logic of rendering illegal the turning of the ILB into a great city of jazz in, of all places, the Immaterial Plane? Where else might you place such a great city–whose venues, I could add, teem with musicians from the furthest corners of the known world, and which even in the leanest siestayears boasts a population of nearly ten thousand percussionists–but do tell me, Commissioner, what might be a better place other than here, the Immaterial Plane, to host all that, not to mention our terrifying Loge stadium, The Pocket, which houses many hundreds of doots and crimes, and is where the Breckenridge Slide-Trombone Bolter itself is said to stalk with its endless collection of instruments midst the towering mountains of Colorado? Might you think these matters of tunes, too, are inappropriate for Internet League Blaseball?” This I will ask the Commissioner as my servants, fifty-eight jort-bedecked Pit Cats, each as beautiful and terrible as the dawn, step forward to draw back gazing agate chairs arranged around a purple-and-yellow marble longtable bedecked with my finest aspics. And while my groovemasters play The Lick below us, their notes only just masking the smashing of fluorescent light bulbs in the parking lot behind the 9/25 , their shadows rippling across the everfalling snow within The Pocket, the Commissioner will take the proffered seat and kindly accept the light delicacies of Leg Ring Egg Ring with Gamer Sauce and S’Morby Chort, oblivious to the fact that these are deadly necromantic agents to which I, of course, am quite immune, having built up a great tolerance to and even a certain… reliance upon them in the pursuit of my musicks, as I sought and succeeded to turn the ILB into a great city of jazz.
(based on this brilliant cohost post by Michael Lutz)
It takes a certain amount of Hubris to rank teams without any semblance of how good a player is or what stats they have. I am here to give you that level of Hubris. The Boston Flowers are the #1 team to beat.
The Fall has shaken up the league in fun and interesting ways. The Simulation deemed it wise to give Flowers they haven’t had in a long time: Flowers.
Zach Sanders (former Sunbeam), a fan-canon sunflower person, joins Javier Lotus as the two flower-related players Falling to the Flowers. That is fun poetry right there.
From Bugsnax to Keyes to Margarito Nava, other teams in the newly Fallen League are seeded with plenty of former Flowers. They are poised to face a lot of friendly competition and players who have plenty of experience in breaking their team’s hearts.
The Boston Flowers were also blessed with something that they seldom had in previous seasons: star power.
As mentioned before, not actual Star Power since we don’t know actual stats yet. I mean name recognition. They, of course, have league stalwarts like Kelvin Drumsolo (known for their 3 RBI Triple where all four players involved on offense were Kelvin Drumsolos) and Randy Dennis to help keep the Flowers in the know and their fans excited. They have also called one of the most famous players in ILB History: Jessica Telephone.
Like a Kelvin Drumsolo at-bat, I will repeat: the Boston Flowers have Jessica Telephone.
If you asked any Blaseball fan to pick a single player to represent all of Blaseball, you would be hard pressed to find someone who does not dial up Telephone for that honor.
Actual flowers. A league overgrown with friendly players. Jessica Telephone.
We’re the Flowers. And we’re going to be Good.
Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams
No Hubris Edition:
The Sunbeams are a team that will play blaseball and will win a number of games that may or may not be represented by an integer.
WOAH. HAVE YOU SEEN THESE NEW BEAMS? Look at these unsung heroes. Cory Ross. Eugenia Garbage. London Simmons. Cravel Gesundheit. Grollis Zephyr. Dunn Keyes. In my DIRECT ESTIMATION, The Sunbeams will, as always, only be stoppable by themselves (and the Crabs).
What an Incredible Fall it has been for the Dale! From old friends of the Dale like Dunlap Figueroa, Richmond Harrison and Sixpack Santiago, to new friends to the Dale like Edric Tosser, Joe Vorhees and Malik Romayne, it truly has not been a better time to be a Dale Fan. Using Historical Data, compared to all Blaseball Teams, we have the highest Star total, as well as the most plate appearances.
Although, within our Dale Nightlife community with Great numbers, comes Great nerves as the Dale are concerned with these legacy high numbers that maybe more bad things might happen to us. But then again, we are unsure about the future of Stats and Numbers, but no matter how the numbers fall, the vibes will be immaculate, and the Dale will at least be winners, within our own mind and community. And besides, nothing ever bad happens to the Florida team….
Fresh off their kickflip into the Black Hole, the Fridays have proven themselves as a team that will not only stare oblivion in the face, but will welcome oblivion into their home, maybe hang out with oblivion a bit, if oblivion is free? Blaseball’s premium vibe experts love to go with the flow, and their Fans are eagerly awaiting the chaos of live play. While preeminent ex-Tacos workhorse Sexton Wheerer is perhaps the most notable Fall Ball drop, many good vibes surround the return of Elijah Valenzuela, the unsung heart and soul of the early Discipline Era Fridays.
The division shakeup has separated the Fridays from their friends in the Shoe Thieves and from their sisters in the Crabs, but has brought in fresh faces in the Garages, Wings, Worms, and Lift. Most importantly, Friday Night Magic lives on in the Chaotic Evil division, as Hawaii and Yellowstone continue one of Blaseball’s most storied traditions. Overall, our experts foresee good vibes in the Fridays’ future.
Charleston Shoe Thieves
As far as total stats go, the Charleston Shoe Thieves are solid, being ranked 10/24 in total stars. The standout players include “best batting season by OPS”-haver Alexandria Rosales, as well as fan favorites “Hot” Fish Summer and Kathy Mathews, but the player with the most stars is grind rail legend and former Thief Oliver Loofah. But these are all players who excelled at batting. As for pitching… Charleston has 3 players with below 2 stars pitching. Ankle Halifax is not one of them. Of course, maybe the stars won’t even matter.
Well, it’s a good thing that Worms are already flat, and that we already play in a Wormhole … because at the end of Fall Ball, The World’s Largest Horse really left a big ol’ crater in Ohio. Y’all should have seen the look on NaN’s face as the shadow loomed larger and larger; dude was ready to Flicker outta here faster than they ever have before. I joke, we joke in Ohio. We also hope to do something that’s only been teased in the previous eras of baseball: “pitch like our hair is on fire”¹. If the roster shakes out optimally, the Worms rotation should be great. (Stop yelling “HUBRIS!” at me. It’s hard to concentrate when you do that!) But we’re looking at the rest of these players and wondering … who’s gonna actually get the HITS? Maybe one of our four Rookies will step up?
¹ Actual quote from actual real life baseball player Mitch Williams. We like to think Mitch would have done well in the ILB.
The Worms are looking pretty average —distant neighing sound — well, maybe below average with all these newbies — hoofbeats growing louder — so I wouldn’t expect too much, unless our final Fall is, like, Winnie Hess or someth — loud SPLAT sound — as I was saying, I predict the Worms to be top contenders immediately.
Everything and everyone has Fallen Into Place- especially so for the Magic. Between the former Shoe Thieves, Breath Mints and Crabs Alumni they got, and a few hungry lil’ guys that never had the chance to shine in the first place, the newly returned Yellowstone Magic has been reimagined into a fascinating mélange of old and new and never-before-seen, taking great inspiration from their Mild Low Colleagues. Most providential of all, Inky Rutledge, after an adventure across the League, has returned. Did you know he pitched the first no-hitter in blaseball history? And then the second? That’s canon, baby. It’s a sign of Good things in the Chaotic Evil division for Yellowstone.
Much like Lord of the Flies, Magic is a team of starving British teenaged boys, except much better at camping and with no inheritance. They’ve pitched tents atop the cliffs overlooking the vast and wild forests, under a molten amber sun. They’ve come from different groups, from different regions, some from different walks of life entirely – but all of them British. They will fight, and argue. Maybe eat each other. But they will forge bonds that will stand the test of time. Some will be driven mad, isolated from civilization. Some are mad to begin with; They speak in tongues, calling eldritch things whose entire being breathed like the surge of a solar corona.
No one answers, of course. The cell service out here is terrible. But that will only bring them closer together.
They will tell tales around campfires in the evening, and at night, dream daring dreams where regrets turn to triumphs, their legacies are well and truly immortal, and they will live forever as kings and queens of a wilderness they can shape into anything they desire. Alas, in the waking world they have no crowns, no scepters; So instead, they shall weave friendship bracelets of flaxen gold and silver bead – and they will be all the more powerful for it.
On the eve of the new Era, I declare that Magic has been, is, and always shall be, ‘goo’.
Now, foolish and arrogant blaseball historians and statisticians may look at the Chaotic Evil’s track record and click their tongue. Two Overchampionships and one Under between all six, a track record of being ever hungry, and never sated- Rarely performatively the Best, and when we were, rarely the Champions. But just like a New Years resolution, the Magic can safely declare – NEW ERA, NEW ME. To hell with expectations. I believe in the Yellowstone Magic. They’re going to be Champions. With the power of friendship, there’s no way they can lose. Friendship is Magic, baby.
Wait. What do you mean we might not have 0 No Blood?