Long-time readers may remember our power rankings from season 11, the first season of Sun2 and Black Holes. Season 18’s rankings had a whole disclaimer about how we didn’t know how Unwins would work. Anyway, here’s what we came up with for season 22.
24: 🐅 Hades Tigers [-9]
Last season was a miraculous one for the Hades Tigers. After hoping to finally get some Party Time and improve a few weaknesses across both the Lineup and Rotation, instead the team defied all odds to somehow find themselves in the ILB Championship Series. Hopefully that high note is enough to carry fans through for a while, because the Tigers are now stuck deep in rebuilding mode.
In the last two Elections, the Tigers won two Blessings to Alternate their players, and both times had very unfortunate luck with the new rolls, in particular with longstanding pitchers Hiroto Wilcox and Dunlap Figueroa. With the addition of the thrice-bitten Paula Turnip to the Rotation thanks to another Blessing, this Rotation is looking quite likely to be the worst in the league. Mummy Melcon may have pulled out some clutch wins in the Postseason, but they’re certainly not going to be able to carry this team on their own. While the Lineup is looking somewhat better than the Rotation with the additions of Beasley Day, Lachlan Shelton, and Hatfield Suzuki, and Famous Owens’ last minute Voicemail and Infused batting, it remains far too inconsistent to expect much of this team.
It’s time to face it: the era of the Tigers as consistently one of the top ILB teams has been over for a few seasons, and this is just the final nail on the coffin. The weaknesses from this Season’s Consumer bites and unfortunate Blessing rolls are going to take some time (and hopefully some good Party luck) to iron out. But who knows, maybe there’s an Underbracket title in the team’s near future? -Clio
23: 🛠 Core Mechanics [-22]
Gather around everyone. Let’s not sugarcoat this: This has been an atrocious Election for us. We’ve seen Alto, a player we’ve poured love and heart into, leave us after a single game in an EE for Augsto Reddick from the Moist Talkers, who is, unfortunately, a downgrade for the Mechanics.
We’ve seen our great batting Lineup, after struggling for many seasons to make them good, be undone by one of our first Blessings in seasons. Unfortunately, the result is a batting Lineup whose stars have not only decreased but now overestimate our player’s performances on the field.
This is a tragedy, and I know how we are all feeling, exhausted, grief-stricken, and adrift. But you are not alone, and neither is our team. The pitching Rotation, except Mindy Kugel, escaped Alternation. Kelvin Drumsolo gained a massive batting increase through Shadow Infuse to become the Core’s best batter stepping up in our time of need.
What is behind us must not blind us because we can’t change it now, especially after Alto accidentally hit that flyout into the illegal time machine, breaking it. What we decide to do now is the most important thing, the path back to where we were is immense and long.
But we aren’t in a race, we are all here together, and along the way, we will create and cherish new memories like the Drumsolo, the Jaylen World Tour, Alto arriving on our doorstep all those seasons ago. We will plan, we will write, we will laugh, and we will maybe cry. So keep thinking about all we’ve achieved over these last few seasons, keep unapologetically being the lovely high energy people I know you all are, and let’s keep moving on, one step at a time altogether. –CraftedRobot
22: 🌹 Boston Flowers [-4]
The Boston Flowers took a trip down to Blaseball 2, but no one was home. So instead of a gift bag of Evolution all we got was Consumers attacks. They took three hits to the Lineup, which had already needed improvement, but unfortunately, the Consumers weren’t interested in their worst batters.
Voicemail was Ratified, which was great news for Boston. They’ve got Zeboriah Wilson waiting and ready to go, after that is Zeboriah Whiskey and then it drops off after that. Normally, that wouldn’t matter to most teams but because of Bostons large Lineup, the next few players after the drop would still be better than what they’ve currently got going on.
The Election was rough, beloved star pitcher Castillo Turner headed right back to the NY Mills for Chorby Short, Debted batter Silvaire Roadhouse went home to the Baltimore Crabs in exchange for Adalberto Tosser, and an Infuse attempt went wrong and boosted their absolute worst shadowed batter Shaquille Sunshine’s Baserunning.
The good news for fans of the Boston Flowers is that they should be headed down on a quick trip to Party Time to give them time to lick their wounds.
Season 21 saw Boston miss the Postseason for the first time since Season 17, and if nothing else Season 22 should let them pick up where they left off in the Underbracket.
Let’s Grow! –Kidror
21: ✨ Yellowstone Magic [+1]
I think it’s poetic that this is the on-season where we learn about the history of Blaseball. Many great moments in the lifespan of the game have been etched into the annals of the League Historian’s texts. Beautiful passages detailing games long past. We wanted to help. This Sunday, Magic has created living history, and committed a forbidden act on par with the Original Sin. Yes, I am sorry, Internet League Blaseball.
We got the Glove to pitch again.
The problem last season was we didn’t lose like we expected. We can’t even blame our poor run production on this one, though, it was also our defense. We got sixteen Extra Wins, thirteen of which were due to Sun 30, which pulled us from a decent Party Time into a late, Day 90+ Hellscape. We wanted to take the dive, damn it. We were Underbracket hopefuls! But instead, we squandered any chance of improvement, and buried our best fielders deep into the Shadows. And then Alternated them. On top of that, we lost James Mora, the best batter Magic has ever had. And don’t even get me started on our Halexandrey-Bones Swap; I’d tell you the tragic tale of Bones Piazza the Wise, but they’ll just get Voicemailed before I could finish.
So we’re starting fresh. New expansion in the Yellowstone Magic Saga. It’s time for Magic Bad XXI: A Logan Reborn. Removed some old features, added a few new ones. Written by Natsuko Ishikawa. Star cap increased. You won’t believe how this season’s story ends. And honestly? Neither will I. –Nate
20: 🚤 Miami Dale [-1]
Season 21: The Dale’s Lineup was still bad, and none of the Rotation had Underhanded. Voicemail, arguably, made their Lineup even worse by pulling out Tad Seeth. Despite how you feel about Tad Seeth, they are an Attractor that plays way worse than what the Stars estimation says.
Season 21’s Election:
Song #1: Bequeath Seeth. With 43% of the Dale’s total votes all submitted before Latesiesta. Whose votes bequeath you Seeth.
Song #2: Out of the Shadow Lineup: Was there a way out of the Shadows for Caleb Novak? For 7% of the Dale’s vote, this way out was by Swapping positions with Pitcher, Sixpack Santiago.
Song #3: Under Pressure Cooker: A surprise blessing for the Dale, but the Dale under pressure continue to dance. Something something, vibes, I think.
It looks like Season 22 will be an early Party Season for the Dale. Caleb Novak is not a pitcher and I’ll let you in on a secret. Caleb has the 2x Mod, they will be giving up a lot of Runs. Sixpack Santiago was a great pitcher, but they could still be Voicemailed onto the Lineup where they won’t preform well.
Dale! –Kina McCloud
19: 🏋️♀️ Tokyo Lift [-7]
We say farewell to Inky Rutledge, packing their bags and heading to Charleston. We say goodbye Freemium Seraph, enjoy Canada (and hello, Cudi!). And we pour one out for Gerund Pantheocide, tragically incinerated early in the Season. Gerund was a legend, ending their career in flames of glory, with a Batting Average of .325 career-wide, and a much-less impressive ERA of 4.44 career-wide. But there’s a reason they were given a bat. 127 home runs since joining the Lineup after Season 16, and 266 RBIs, losing Gerund is about as painful as the other losses they’ve suffered this Season. Sorry, Lift. It’s too bad that Shadow Infuse hit Steals’ Defense— I’m sure with Voice Mails, they would have much preferred it go to Batting.
So, OK, yes, their Rotation is not looking good. Yes, their batting is inconsistent, hiding some real gems from across the League. But it’s going to be OK. Consider this the morning after your first time visiting the Gym in like, two months. You recall that there were some unfamiliar faces who you didn’t totally recognize. Your body aches and your muscles are stiff because you forgot to stretch. And you want to get up and get back on the horse and keep exercising, but really, maybe it’s time to just go on auto-pilot for a bit. It’s going to take some time until you’re back in fighting form – So let’s leave the burpies for next week, and maybe just start with some push-ups, OK? I definitely know what going to a gym is like. –Nate
Lift bad. I’m tired. –Spotter Pandora
18: 🗣 Canada Moist Talkers [-5]
The Moist Talkers are coming off a surprisingly bood season and are optimistically looking ahead to the upcoming season. The sim has taken two players from their Lineup over the last two seasons, shrinking it down to an adorable 6 players (one Shelled), allowing good use of the Slow Build modifier. A big name has returned (though looking a bit different than the last time they were around) with Polkadot Patterson finishing up a mostly strong lineup. Slow build should also play very well with the new Sun .1 weather, as the Lineup will be strongest at the end of the game, when Runs are worth the most.
The pitching Rotation is looking a little thin, but a Magnified Underhanded Ziwa should be a treat to watch as long they keep Underhanded. Losing Underhanded means they should get themselves primed to Voicemail into the Lineup fairly quickly.
Will the combination of a small clutch Lineup be enough to take the Talkers from bood to good? Will the holes in the pitching Rotation drag them down to bad? Is Moderation going to interact in a strange way with Sun .1 and cause the Talkers to Shame themselves (again)? How badly do they want that third championship (and Evolution with it)?
Regardless of how this season goes, they’re looking very close to becoming serious playoff contenders again with a swap here or a buff there, and they’ll be the talk of the town again in no time. -thevdude
17: 💋 San Francisco Lovers [+4]
After another losing season, very little Party Time, and a brief second Underbracket run, the Lovers are ready for another season. Unlike many other teams, the presence of the Dynamic Duo in the team’s roster allowed them to continue their all-time streak of no stat losses whatsoever from Consumer attacks, and only one ever. Despite this, the Lovers suffered from two Feedback swaps, both with the Hawai’i Fridays. The less favorable of the two was more or less reversed, though former Friday who had previously been Feedbacked to the Lovers from the Fridays (this has happened a lot) Bates Bentley was sent back for Season 1 original Percival Wheeler. Jacob Winner and Juice Collins remain on the Lovers, now on pitching duty, while King Roland is still on the Fridays.
As for the Election, the team had another successful one, making the tradeback and swapping Winner for Winner, with a fully scattered Silvia batting and new addition Jacob on the Rotation. Overall, the Lovers Lineup and Rotation have improved in consistency, but with its holes still present, it’s hard to tell how the team performs this next season. Essentially, the Lovers are hard to pin down this season, they could be good, or bad, or middling, and if I consider all three possibilities that means I’ll be right no matter what. Anyways, I’m gonna go back to crying about the death of the hot fries meta now, see ya.
16: 🎸 Seattle Garages [+7]
We’ve got some exciting new results in the Big Garage— let’s look at them together!
We managed to Shadow Infuse Theodore Duende again! Having already Infused their defense, it would have been nice to improve their batting before they Voicemail in next season. But a second defense Infusion should help us nevertheless. And look at that! We took a helmet off Rai Spliff for Tot Clark. In doing so, they dropped their old Item for a much better new one that offers them a powerful hitting boost. Now they’re going to be a fantastic and consistent leadoff hitter— just what the Garages need. Our third Will… was also on-target! After reaping the benefits of an unplanned Magnify on Malik Destiny, we figured we’d do it again on Lotus Mango. Looking forward to even more doubled RBIs next season!
Wow. All three Wills went as planned. Our great Party Time boosts and a consistent conveyor belt in and out of the Shadows means we’re slowly but surely fighting back into Overbracket contentio— wait, what?
We got a Blessing? Huh. I don’t think we were expecting one. Well, which was it? Shadow Evolution would be nice. Or maybe Gaudy? Let’s just scroll down and—
Lineup Alternate Trust
Oh. Oh no.
Well, it’s fine, right? Lenjamin Zhuge only lost about 0.4 stars in batting. And Wyatt Mason X improved a bit. Alaynabella Hollywood, well, they’re really fast now and didn’t lose too much hitting power. We can deal with this, right? Let’s just take a little peek under the hood to make sure… aw, beans.
It’s not great, folks. It’s really not great. Due to some unpleasant placements of the numbers behind the stars, Mason X and Hollywood are very, very overvalued as batters. Thankfully, they’re also the first two in line to get Voicemailed, which will be disappointing for the fans who have grown to love them, but not too much of a hit to the lineup. Hey, who’s coming out from the Shadows in their places? Oh! Theodore Duende, that’s good. And— no, that can’t be right…
See you in the batter’s box, Mike Townsend. –crab
15: 🔱 Atlantis Georgias [-1]
I’m gonna open up with a controversial statement, which might end up getting me a lot of flak. The Georgias might, in fact, be good. It relies on a lot of things, but it’s possible. If the Fifth Base leaves the Bubble, if Slosh comes back without being harmed by Uncertain, if some early Faxes and Voicemails occur, then the Georgias might be good. The Atlantis Georgias, the only team to never make the Overbracket, the only team to spend nine Wills on two players, the only team to have ever had Erin Jesaulenko, might actually be good.
That isn’t even the important part. The Four-Leaf Gambit worked perfectly, and the Georgias now have near-permanent negative eDensity, meaning they’re finally going up. To you, dear reader, I pose the question: Who would win? One billion fish or the sun? If you chose the sun, you either misread the question or are from the Hellmouth. The oceans are empty. Countless fishermen are out of jobs. People are starving. It’s a global extinction and I couldn’t care less. Fish were never meant for the ocean, and the world is learning that the hard way.
In other words, the Georgias’ negative eDensity is keeping them completely safe from any and all Consumer attacks. I’ve seen some people saying they’re safe from all danger, but seeing as Knight Triumphant is still in Wild High, I’d take that with a grain of salt.
As always, Georgias Up, Georgias Good. –Sydney
14: 🐌 Ohio Worms [-3]
This past Wednesday, on the BNN Mid Season Power Rankings, I committed hubris. Not the kind I expected to commit (I did correctly predict the S21 Champs), but I made the sim notice me. I pointed out that there is some folks out there that think the Worms permanently want to lose, 100% of the time. While I’m sure some fellow Dirt Dwellers feel this way, it is not the prevalent belief of all of us. We try. We really do. We love our wrigglers, and we want to eventually see them succeed. However, I also pointed out that luck is a factor, and sometimes the answer to “Well, why did Team [X] do Will [Y]?” is the ever-popular blaseballian answer of, “Wimdy.”
Well, this season, half of one percent of Worms’ Wills votes went to Shadow Infuse Rivers Rosa, the pitcher who suffered several Consumer attacks. They got … their defense improved. To date, the vote percentage of every Will selected for the Worms has averaged 23.4%, EASILY the lowest of any team since Season 12.
At the end of Season 18, Roamer Stew Briggs made their way to Ohio. They’re still here; last I heard they were signing their kids up to a local private school. After Season 20, Pudge Nakamoto swung by. They’re living on a couch in the clubhouse. This past Election, the Jands didn’t even wait… they traded Roamin’ Jasper Blather to the Sunbeams. Yet, who just rolled up to Ohio, in an RV, “Tlouch of Grey” blastin’ out the speakers, kickin’ up pebbles and taking up like 8 parking spots?
Welcome to Ohio, Jasper. Hope you survive the experience … I GUESS. –Ifhbiff
13: 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves [+7]
It’s important that we never forget that the Baltimore Crabs blew a 2-0 lead against the Charleston Shoe Thieves in the Season 9 Championships. The Shoe Thieves certainly haven’t, though I’m sure they wish they could at this point. It’s been twelve seasons since, and there’s still three active batters on their roster with Flinch, and two active pitchers with Mild: the reward for their hard-earned efforts. And it’s just been downhill from there. Besides the scant few appearances in Mild Cards and the topsy-turvy results of Season 19, the Shoe Thieves have always been a couple seasons away from proper Postseason contention. Their roster grew dramatically and they sunk into the Immateria for weeks, flailing under their own eDensity. Attractors. Ego. Replicas. Consumer Bites, Consumer Bites, Consumer Bites. It’s just been hectic. I mean– They– Look, I–
They had a goat. There was a goat, stuck in their Fax Machine. Just stuck there! How did it get there?! I dunno! Stop making the goat pitch! Oscar Dollie is not good at that!
But their struggles have bore fruit. They have Oscar batting again, beefed up on Shadow Dunks. Richardson Games picks up their bat, supporting a great Rotation of Gunther O’Brian, Cornelius Games, Snyder Briggs, and a recently-returned-to-Mild-Low, Inky Rutledge. No more Rotation size problems, finally. But if the name of the game is a shorter, cleaner roster, they’re certainly not helping their Lineup. Ten batters is a few too many, and if they wanted to see Shadowed players Donna Milicic or Vernon Shotwell pitching and batting respectively, they have to get through about fifteen-and-a-half pounds of raw ground beef by the name of Blood Hamburger first.
Regardless of what you have stuck in your Fax Machine, or who keeps leaving you Voicemails: You can stop holding your breath, Charleston. The Shoe Thieves are not bad. I know you’ve heard it too many times at this point, but believe me— You’re only a couple more weeks from Postseason Contention. Good luck! –Nate
12: 🏝 Hawai’i Fridays [-9]
The Fridays’ run of charmed weather luck came to an end last season, as they lost two players via Feedback to the Lovers, including a key pitcher: Underhanded Juice Collins. The Fridays managed to rack up the third most Wins in the league and make it to the Mild League Finals, but fell short once again.
The Election has blown up this once dominant squad even further. Fridays fans hexed the pickle economy by Swapping Don Mitchell to pitcher, replacing Yosh Carpenter. While Don will pitch well, the Rotation will still be worse than it was at the start of last season with Juice still gone, and Yosh isn’t exactly a whiz with a bat. With the recruitment of Nicholas Mora via Blessing, the Lineup and roster have grown, reducing efficiency.
After occupying the dizzy heights of the Power Rankings for so long, it seems the Fridays are set to rebuild. If Beck, Lady, and Heat can stay quiet for a few games, the offense may get some Voicemail upgrades, but the secret sauce of the roster’s former construction isn’t so easily remade. They’re a solid team, maybe even a winning one, but far from championship contenders.
With Stevenson Heat (an Alternate at that) the last remaining vestige of the Season 1 Fridays left on the roster, the Fridays provide a cautionary tale. The only safe attachments a fan can form are towards birds, who will never leave us. Time to take a big swig of water while I read about what Balloons do! –Traci J
11: 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands [+6]
For the 3rd season in a row, the Jazz Hands were the best team in Wild High. For the 3rd season in a row, we had an Election where we got even better. It’s a standard now, so get used to hearing this same tune every season.
Look, I can’t explain why we keep doing so well. Collins Melon into Baby Doyle might just be the best 1-2 punch in any Lineup, but the rest of our batters are average at best, and our pitching is just barely good enough to get by. I don’t know why it works so well, but you can’t deny it’s a crowd pleaser.
What I can tell you is we’ve gotten great at organizing, have numerous 2-way players, and a Shadows stacked with talented prospects. The Pocket’s shiny new Fax Machine will soon fix our Lowe Forbes problem, and the Voicemail the rest of the league Ratified for us will shuffle our supporting cast around until they can stay on beat with the dynamic duo at the top of our Lineup.
Fax Machine’s impending Ratification will soon change the rhythm of the entire league. Pitchers will hit, hitters will pitch, and great players with low star counts will be relegated to the Shadows. Constant change, adaptation, and improvisation will be the name of the game. The rest of the league will learn this new pattern eventually, but you’ll be learning from the masters.
You may adopt improvisation, but we were born for it. THAT’S JAZZ BAYBEE! –deafhobbit
10: 🥩 Dallas Steaks [-1]
As the Season 20 Elections were mostly a sidegrade, the Steaks took their momentum from an impressive 72 Win season and were looking to stay competitive. But they didn’t.
No one knows what happened and it didn’t look like it was happening to anyone else. For seemingly no reason every single player on the Steaks Lineup started vastly underperforming. Comparing OPS between Season 20 and Season 21 shows a tragedy. Jessica Telephone, Rai Spliff and Cory Ross all lost about 0.2 OPS. Ronan Jaylee was hit the hardest and went from 1.152 to 0.687 OPS. Needless to say they finished the Season near the very bottom.
But heading into Season 22, instead of falling further apart things are looking more positive for this Steaks Lineup, as their two biggest holes seem to have been addressed. Near the end of the regular season, serial bite target Forrest Best got bitten enough to be Redacted for a second time, and with Voicemail ratified Holden Stanton will be in line to take Regular Shadow dunks.
The Election was largely uneventful with the exception of one big trade. Season 1 original and longtime Steaks favorite Conner Haley returns to the team in Exchange for a Jessica Telephone that is much weaker after getting Alternated in Season 18. Dodging all harmful Blessings and not being the target of any Wills (except for the Garages stealing a hat) means things are looking up. But whatever it is that caused the Season 21 collapse might still be haunting this team. –Alexander
Dear The Sim,
PLEASE STOP KILLING OUR PLAYERS FOR A SECOND TIME.
9: 🌮 LA Unlimited Tacos [-4]
The Expansion Era has seen many flavors of Tacos: Bad, Good?, Good!, Baco, Sickos, and now Goobie. With Underhanded Michelle Sportsman off helping The Breath Mints break out of gay baby jail and alleged murderer Goobie Ballson leading the Lineup, the Tacos are looking… well, let’s just say they’re looking. –Frijoles Jones of Taco News Unlimited
The Tacos did in fact Baco pretty well in Season 21, managing to make it to the Wild League Finals! The Tigers ended up winning the Wild League, and the Tacos have seen some changes: let’s look at them, shall we? Lucas Petty from the Mints was sent to the Infinite Cities in exchange for natural Underhanded star of the Tacos Rotation, Michelle Sportsman. Petty is an admirable pitcher, and McBaseball Clembons is a decent Fax backup for a solid Rotation with Vito Kravitz and Yummy Elliot.
Mcdowell Mason’s prized Clutch Wooden Rock Ring is back, and this Precious item should help in Flooding weather, which seems to be on the rise again despite certain currency-based CEOs dictating otherwise. We bid a fine farewell to NaN, who’s Roamin’ became On an Odyssey after a Shadow Revoke, so whenever they Roam, they’ll get a 2% boost! Enjoy yourself on the World Tour, NaN, and stay safe out there. No Blessings in sight, but the Tacos received alleged assassin Goobie Ballson in exchange for Fish Summer, who can cool off in Atlantis for a bit. Not an ideal lead-off hitter, but we can keep an eye on Goobie better that way in case any mischief is afoot. Rookie Son Jensen is the Tacos’ Voicemail relief, recently Infused, so wish them a great first game when they arrive!
How do I feel about the LA Unlimited Tacos’ chances in Season 22? Taco Baco, baby, let’s get that Wild ring again. –Clip Clipperson
8: 🕵️ Houston Spies [-6]
It’s hard to get a precise reading on the the Spies chances this coming season. Maybe it’s because that they have perfected the art of being undetectable, demonstrating excellent commitment to professional development. Or maybe it’s because that in a league where there is so much flux, so much unrelenting change, that when you escape it unscathed, holding your own, as it were, it is difficult to tell if that counts as improving or falling behind.
Probably that first one, though. Those Spies sure are difficult to perceive. Hey, was that a person in the trench coat over there? No? It’s probably nothing. I’m sure it was nothing. –Spludge
Comfort has come home to roost. A doubleswap with the Sunbeams and the Jazz Hands saw beloved operative Comfort Septembrish return to the spies, Agent Quack Enjoyable settling down to become a Jazz… Wing, and Jasper Blather Roamin’ over to the Worms. However, some unfortunate chomps to players, including Commissioner Vapor, team leadoff Blackburn still Elsewhere, and Alexandria Rosales having a broken Underhanded item means that the Spies could be in for rough seas sailing into Season 21. This squad is capable of a lot but time will tell what their secret plans will include. –Panda
7: 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams [-]
So… that happened.
After a late season performance switch to attempt to miss the playoffs, the Hellmouth Sunbeams only missed out on the Overbracket by virtue of tiebreakers. Normally this would indicate that a team is, at least, pretty good. But the Sunbeams, proving that estimation is a fool’s errand, proceeded to speedrun the Underbracket, becoming the first modern Over-Under Champions in Blaseball.
However, hubris is what BNN was built on and Estimation is what we do here, so I must soldier on.
A trimmed down lineup and rotation and the removal of pitching threats like Castillo Turner and Michelle Sportsman… I hate to say it, but probably set the Sunbeams up for another high finish in Wild Low and postseason run.
Also we sprinkled Cinnamon on our shadows, which I’m sure is good luck somehow. –Panda
The Sunbeams were caught in a state of Superposition!
ECHOED Underchampionship –Emily
6: 🔥 Chicago Firefighters [+10]
In all the chaos of Season 21, the Chicago Firefighters— true to form— managed to stay completely middling. So much so that despite looking like possible contenders for the Overbracket early in the season, they ended up with a win-loss record of 49-50 (suns not included… for obvious reasons). Not only that, they managed to miss the Postseason entirely for the second season in a row, making the Firefighters the only team in the league to not make the Postseason since the Underbracket was introduced.
Well, for the first time in a while, the Firefighters are looking like a formidable team. For the first time in the entire Expansion Era, they actually have a 9 person Lineup, and that combined with a Magnified Baby Triumphant could mean that the Firefighters’ era of “Win-By–One” is finally over. While losing optimized pitcher Kennedy Rodgers to the depths of the Shadows was a bit of a blow last season, their eventual replacement Alston England is looking not too shabby after two Parties and an item drop. Most exciting though is the Firefighters’ win of the coveted Darkside Flip Blessing; turning the entirety of their shadows negative, including attractor Alx Keming. That, in combination with the teams two Undertakers and their decision to flip the Firehouse’s light switch, should see the Firefighters out of Consumer range for the foreseeable future.
In Season 22, one way or another, the Chicago Firefighters are flying high. –Stara
5: 🥧 Philly Pies [+3]
The Pies had one of the highest run differentials in Season 21. The more telling statistic, however, was their losing record against teams above .500. The Lineup largely lived up to expectations, but this Rotation simply is not equipped to succeed in this league— both figuratively, in that we lack an Elvis Figueroa, an ace to get us clutch wins, and literally, in the sense that our pitchers do not have any equipment that grants the Underhanded ability, which unfortunately seems to be necessary to compete in the current league. Our bats can’t win it alone when all too often their hits count against us.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to see how next season will be an improvement. Even the brightest spot in the Election was gut-wrenching to many Pies fans. Beasley Day, an original member of the Pies, headed to the Hades Tigers in an emotional loss, but Dudley Mueller will almost certainly be an improvement. The excitement of a new Chunky, Magnified Siphon is dulled a bit by the appearance of Tad Seeth, a Roamin’ Attractor who is sure to bring down the team OPS while also being impossible to swap out with the new Voicemail. We also lost two stars from last season’s Lineup in Ruslan Greatness, whom the Pies Shadowed in a mistaken attempt to get him back after he didn’t Roam, and Huber Frumple, whom the Pies tried to retrieve from the Wild Wings after Roamin’ only to have the Wings take them back. And, as usual, no Blessings made their way to Philly.
In summary, a lot happened, Pies still don’t have the pitching needed to truly compete, there’s a lot of emotion in Philly right now, and I need a nap. -Phoebe I. Ellis
4: 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings [+20]
Burke Gonzales is back on the mound. Not that he was a bad batter, mind; quite the opposite, really. But he’s a great pitcher, or at least was last time we saw them pitch. With two good batters in the Shadows ready to come out if the weaker members of the Lineup need to be Voicemailed, and with Brock Watson, the best batter you’ve never heard of, leading off the Lineup, I think it’s time we can tentatively say: Wings… good? –Spludge
3: 📱New York Millennials [+7]
The New York Millennials have…disappeared? Well some of them have. Noted Non-Vampire and core of the Lineup Thomas Dracaena and three of the Mills’ Rotation in Anathema Elemefayo, Schneider Bendie, and Sandie Carver, have decided to camp in the Wlaffle House. At this point, I’m certain they’re either getting discounts or the Wlaffle House is patiently waiting for one of their favorite customers, Hatfield Suzuki, to arrive. Alas, Hatfield Suzuki was the choice of the Double Negatives Blessing. Twice? Twice. With Hatfield now in Hades, let’s try and Look Forward to this Season 22.
With Anathema Elemefayo moved into the Shadows, while Elsewhere no less (keep an eye on how that shakes out with the Fax Machine), and Sandie Carver and Schneider Bendie also Elsewhere, the Millennials must rely on Theodore Cervantes to carry the Pitching Rotation alone. With a strong showing in the Season 21 Playoffs against the Pies and an honorable performance against the would-be five-time Overchampion Baltimore Crabs (the red ones), Cervantes should be able to hold the fort down until the Rotation returns.
On the Lineup, Castillo Turner has come back from the Wild League for a wimdy trade with Chorby Short as part of an apparent Flowers-Millennials exchange program over the Expansion Era, and will prove to be one of the strongest batters, baserunners, and defenders in the League. The Voicemail shuffled the Lineup to a point where to the casual observer the Mills received another Reverb. Patty Fox, ILB Season 1 Pitching veteran…is now batting, and is pretty good at it too, managing to score the winning 2-Run dinger that defeated the Philly Pies. Sandie Turner was Voicemailed in, only to Voicemail back out to the back of the Lineup (or would be if not for Roaming Eve McBlase II joining the Mills after walking into Baltimore then walking back out). Andrew Solis, after a stint in Ohio, is currently both the Relief Pitcher and the Relief Batter, so it will be interesting to see where they end up (they are proficient at both and nothing a Swap couldn’t fix, probably).
Assuming no Flooding-related mishaps that send an enormous cactus through the Wlaffle House window, the Millennials are primed for success and perhaps a trip to the Internet League Overbracket Finals…. What’s that horrifying neighing sound…? –Clip Clipperson
2: 🦀 Baltimore Crabs [+4]
This Election was fraught for the Crabs. After a thundering championship win, rumors flew and we heavily anticipated getting crushed by Wills. But… that didn’t really happen? A surprise Wimdy saw us with a Replica of James Mora, so we didn’t dodge receiving Evelton McBlase II as planned. However, Evelton immediately Roamed off of the Crabs. We expected the Flowers to get one of our pitchers, but trading Killvaire Roadhouse for Adalberto Tosser was a shock. The Steaks took their dad back and gave us Jessica Telephone, who has a solid statline despite not entirely living up to expectations in performance. We lost Fran Beans, which wasn’t a total surprise. Finally, we got Heist Expert, which is a fun flavor mod that might net us some close wins as we saw in the Internet Series. So, all in all, despite being a bit worse for wear it seems probable that Crabs Good. -@leo60228
Okay I get one of these right? I’m allowed to have one. Here goes.
CRABS WIN BAYBEE! WOOOO! VINDICATION, FOR ONCE ME SAYING WE’RE GONNA WIN ACTUALLY RESULTED IN US WINNING! YES! ONE AWAY FROM DOUBLE EVOLUTION! WE’RE THE BEST!
Okay moving on, we’ve been marked for death. Silvaire Roadhouse is back on the Crabs!… At a steep…. steep price. Adalberto Tosser, our pitcher of 21 seasons straight, never ever missing a single start due to being Elsewhere, Shelled, or any other reason, who had a 0.10 ERA last season and a negative ERA in the postseason, and single handedly through their Underhanded pitching and stealing of the game-winning run in the last game of the Internet League Blaseball Overbracket Championships won the Crabs the Season 21 Playoffs, has been Equivalent Exchanged away from Baltimore. This has resulted in Silvaire Roadhouse becoming the second Debted pitcher to exist in the history of Blaseball. The last one of course being the person who formerly batted right before them on the Boston Flowers, Jaylen Hotdogfingers, who spawned Ruby Tuesday.
Many other moves have dismantled the once powerful Baltimore Crabs of Season 21. In a more positive way, replica James Mora II has joined the Crabs off of a pinch from the gift shop after Mora was on the team for a brief moment due to Carcinization last season. But also Conner Haley was Equivalent Exchanged for Jessica Telephone. And Fran Beans was Equivalent Exchanged for Evelton McBlase II (who luckily Roamed away).
The Crabs have reason to celebrate, they won Season 21 and they don’t look half bad still. But these Crabs are not the Crabs of Season 21, and definitely not the Crabs who ascended. Only Kennedy Loser and Finn James have remained constants over the seasons since returning. And with Debt to be paid, that may change soon. So celebrate now Baltimore, because hard times could be on the way. –Gary ( on Twitter)
1: 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints [+3]
Good news everyone! THE MINTS MADE IT TO THE SEMI FINALS AT LAST! For the first time in ILB history, we did it! After leading the league last season, it was surely only a matter of time. Carried by our fantastic pitching staff and surprisingly decent batters, we… lost our way to round 2 of the Underbracket?
Remember when the Mints got Middling from a tarot reading in Season 15? I’m starting to think that cursed us to be bad one season and great the next, causing us to average out to somewhere near 0.500. Season 19 we were bad, Season 20 we were good, and Season 21 was bad again, so maybe Season 22 is when we’ll finally win a championship. Or at least make a semi-finals appearance in the Overbracket.
Apparently, the only thing we know how to do consistently is our Wills, because this is the 8th season in a row they went to plan! This was an Election of 2s— Mooney Doctor II became 2x Magnified, we now have 2 superb pitchers (Hi Tacos, sorry for taking Sportsman), and we won 2 Blessings. We cluttered up Rodriguez Internet’s desktop and taught Twooney how to steal items, in honour of beloved Breath Mint New Megan “Garcia Davis” Ito. Hopefully this will lead us into a longer lasting era of Mints good, but as usual, the only thing that’s guaranteed is that we will perform differently to BNN’s predictions. And with a Debted pitcher in Mild Low, that’s even more true than normal. –finn