compiled & edited by Em Fring
Well. We now know what the Underbracket is and how that Sun(Sun) works. Of course, as is the nature of Blaseball, as soon as we get answers, another Election provokes even more questions. The most common question being, “What does that do?” Nevertheless, our tenacious team of analysts have scoured the Election results and toiled under the heat of our many Suns to bring you the Season 21 ILB Power Rankings.
24: 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings [-]
I could talk about how somehow, inexplicably, Axel Cardenas is still pitching, which limits the maximum output of the Wings to functionally nothing. How the Blessing targeted to float the Glove didn’t because, by the time it happened, Glover had gone home. But instead, and with my most sincere apologies to Peter Allen:
“And someday we’ll all be together once more
When all the ships come back to the shore
Then I realize something I’ve always known
I still call the Wild Wings home.”
Welcome back, Summers Preston. Never leave again.
23: 🎸 Seattle Garages [-1]
What can you say about the Garages’ Expansion Era? I mean, you can scream for one hundred and forty-nine minutes, the number of Consumer attacks we suffered in Season 15— eleven of them to non-Chorby-Soul players without the shield of items to protect them. Or you can bonk your head against the wall twice, the number of times we spent a Will to bring a long-beloved player onto the active roster only for them to play less than a season and Feedback away. You can groan for five hours, the number of former Garages in the Vault. Or you can lie on the floor, listen to the band’s new EP, and cry about Sparks Beans, the Garages’ first incineration during a game since Season 3.
In Season 20, the Garages hosted Party Time for the second time in six seasons. We’ve seen good players leave and tried to do our best with what came back in their place— if we even got anyone. We’ve spent seasons trying to end Jaylen’s world tour that saw them Flickering across the league and leaving mayhem in their wake. And after all that, we’re finally seeing the light at the end of the Tunnel.
Oliver Loofah— tragically Shelled half a season into their debut and Feedbacked away before they could get out— is back, though in need of a quick trip through the Fax Machine before we can bring them back out onto the Lineup. Arturo Huerta, star pitcher turned notable basethief by accidental necromancy and a wimdy Blessing, is finally back on the mound. Taking their place is Tot Clark, a Season 1 Garages pitcher who has always been a better batter, fulfilling a dream of Garages fans old and new to get them to a place where they can do some real slugging. Chaotic catboy Malik Destiny has found themself Magnified, turning one of the team’s more consistent batters into a source of double-dipped RBIs. And though they missed the planned Shadow Infuse, Theodore Duende lurks in the shadows, ready to return in better form than ever.
Season 21 might not be the Garages’ year just yet. But for the first time in a while, the sun is shining over the Emerald City.
22: ✨ Yellowstone Magic [-6]
Every sunday I’ve had this recurring dream. In it, I’m dancing through a lavender field filled with those little thistles growing underneath a sea of purple. The sky is green and the clouds fly up and down and not lazily across the bright turquoise air above me. In it I see all of Magic’s old friends. I see Kurt Crueller and Chorby Short. I see Oscar Dollie. Inky Rutledge. Penelope Mathews. I think Alyssa Harrell too. They’re standing there with sorrowful smiles, waving to me. When I see them, I begin to run towards them. I reach out, but they always go farther and farther away the harder I run. When I finally stop, I’ve found myself outside of the lavender gardens, the thistles stuck to the hair on my legs. A shadow is cast over me, and the chill of a damp, begloved hand falls on my shoulder.
“You didn’t forget about me, did you?” It hisses, speaking directly into my brain. “You know what happens when you forget about me.” A horrible chill runs down my spine, and I feel compelled against every fibre in my body to turn and face where this voice comes from. Something breathes against the back of my neck and I feel the heat of a collapsed star. “Like a lost glove,” It croaks, “You’ll always find me again.”
Wyatt Glover punches me in the jaw with their clammy knuckles. In those nightmares, I’m supposed to wake up shrieking. But not now. I’m crying on the ground as this Hamburger Helper(™) lookin’ fool hovers over me.
“You thought that was a Party Time Speedrun? No. The Real Party Time Speedrun Begins Now,” they rumble.
My name is the Magic. And when I thought it couldn’t possibly get worse, it did. See you in the Underbracket.
Oh also Tiana has Flinch. Lmao.
21: 💋 San Francisco Lovers [-2]
The Lovers have had quite the eventful Season 20, winning the first-ever Underbracket in a rematch series against the Wild Wings, reminiscent of the previous meeting of the two teams on the big stage in Season 7. In addition, Lovers leadoff Theo King has continued their 9-season streak of dodging getting Shadowed, bolstering a Postseason ERA in the .400’s despite having the Underperforming Mod due to Unambitious.
Instead, Tot Fox was Shadowed in an exchange for Kurt Crueller, an Attractor who, behind their fake stars, still displays an impressive stat line. These stats are made better by a lucky offensive infusion of Crueller, making them an even more impressive prospect. On top of that blatant boost to the Lovers offense, Tot Fox’s Flinch has been rerolled for Affinity for Crows, readying Tot for a return to the Lineup next Election. All that said, though, the Lovers did Unwin the Underbracket, which tells you a little about their overall performance level, namely their pitching Rotation that still maintains its holes. In summary, the Lovers are still bad. Not, like, Underchampion bad, though.
20: 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves [-]
Season 20 was solid, if unspectacular for the Shoe Thieves. After improving their record from the 21st to the 16th best in the league, the development is there for all to see. Incoming Shadow Fax… Blenjamin Rees is replaced by tealdeer.
Our collective ERA dropped from (closes eyes, rubs forehead) 6.54 in Season 19 to 4.34 in Season 20, mostly thanks to Goodwin Morin III. They have now turned to dust, thus reducing the Thieves’ Rotation by one. We salute you and thank you for your sacrifice, GoodwIIIn.
Incoming Shadow Fax… tealdeer is replaced by Tsuchigumo. So THAT’s what it’s like to be Faxed. Feels… itchy.
All in all, things went well for us in the Election. Although we didn’t get any Blessings, this probably doesn’t truly hurt us. Many of our options this season were questionable at best, and not knowing if we’d get our desired Wills made many potentially good options too risky. Two Freakin’ Bats would have been nice, but honestly? I’ll take nothing over wimdy.
Improving a team is a gradual process, and with this season’s Wills, we’ve made significant strides in the right direction. Everyone’s favorite aunt, Donna Milicic, has left the Lineup in favor of some rest in the Shadows. In addition, Cornelius and Richardson Games have seen both a return to more comfortable positions in the roster and some quality couples therapy.
Unfortunately, we also took a step backwards. The Garages took Oliver Loofah back in exchange for Terrell Bradley, which will be a blow to our offense. I’m sure Oli would want us to live, laugh, and loof this one off, and we’ll miss them. As much as I’d like to say on the matter, I can already hear the Fax Machine warming up. We really should look into getting another one, given how much we use this o-
Incoming Shadow Fax… Tsuchigumo is replaced by tealdeer. Between the loss of Oli and the Consumer attacks on Jordan Hildebert and Velasquez Alstott, the Lineup probably still needs to cook for another season before reaching full potential. On the bright side, with Cornelius and Donna now ready to Fax into the Rotation, there’s a real chance our pitching won’t be abysmal this season.
Incoming Shadow Fax… tealdeer is replaced by Blenjamin Rees. Sadly, Rogue Umpires continue to be the scourge of the ILB, with Alejandro Leaf the latest tragic incineration. RIV, Aly.
Incoming Shadow Fax… Blenjamin Rees is replaced by Charleston Faxmachine. Have they finally sorted the Rotation? I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Working all this overtime is taking it out of me. I barely get any chance to unwind, knowing I could be called upon at any moment. What’s that? They’ve kinda fixed it? What does kinda mean? You know what, beggars can’t be choosers, I’ll take it. Maybe I’ll finally get the time to ask that Fax Machine at The Meadow out for dinner…
19: 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-2]
Jazz Hands: Are we good?
BNN: You moved Zippy to the shadows. That is good.
BNN: …but you were coating off of the hype train last season and that burned out.
BNN: You also managed to reform Liquid Friend. That is good.
Jazz Hands: Solid!
BNN: ….but Liquid Friend was vaulted by plot. That is bad.
Jazz Hands: Okay…
BNN: The top of your lineup gets to bat more though. That is good.
BNN: …but Jasper Blather is still on your team and also bats more. That is bad.
BNN: Riley Firewall is still underhanded.
BNN: ….but they are an undertaker and constantly go elsewhere. Resulting in Lowe Forbes double pitching. That is
Jazz:…….Can we just play ball?
18: 🚤 Miami Dale [-5]
Here in Miami, math heavy Seasons are becoming increasingly common and complicated. In order to process and give an accurate outlook of Season 21 for the Miami Dale I need to put on my MIBR* branded thinking cap.
*For reference MIBR is the Miami Internet Blaseball Research, the leading researchers of all Daledvanced Stlats such as Bungles.
The Dale were ranked 13th in last Season’s Power Rankings, and Season 20 nearly matched that prediction with the Dale ending in 12th place. Frankly, the Dale attempted to increase their Parties per Party Time by requesting Gifts that would cause the Dale to lose games, including the notoriously low Bungles Pitcher, Chorby Soul V. The Miami Dale did Party, but even a Pitcher like Chorby Soul V was viable in the Postseason Overbracket because of the Sun(Sun). Please see your local Mathematician for an explanation of Sun(Sun).
Caleb Novak has had a Season where they perform better than their Star Count would suggest. With the Election, Caleb has been Magnified which will make their RBI’s doubled due to the Modification 2x.
I happen to agree with MIBR’s research on Caleb’s Stlats, “Give Caleb Novak all the mods to wreck gods.”
Also during the Election, Rush Ito was moved to the Lineup while Summer’s Preston was Exchanged for Trinity Smaht. Finally, Liam Snail received a Green Light.
The Dale Rotation only got better this season with Howell Rocha Partying during the Lateseason. Howell has been throwing faster strikes during practice which can only mean that their Bungles Stlat is going up!
That said, the Extreme Cheese Flavor Stlats of the Dale Lineup is incredibly Uppy Downy. Some Players like Jomgy Rolsenthal or Rivers Clembons are performing well, but other Players continue to struggle. Case in point, Qais Dogwalker ate a peanut this Season and their performance suffered.
Season 21 will see Dale play much the same way as Season 20, unless something changes.
17: 🌹 Boston Flowers [-3]
I’m doing something new, and will do my breakdown by following an acronym that’s easy to use and simple to understand.
D – Diagnosis: We start by Diagnosing their previous season.
It wasn’t great for the Boston Flowers, they finished in 21st place. Their long Lineup was full of holes, and ultimately was swept out of the Underbracket.
E – Election: Now we talk about the Election.
The Flowers had Free Wills and landed 2 out of the 3 upgrades they were after.
They swapped Chorby Short for Castillo Turner, who I will remind you has 30.7 Combined Stars.
They extended their Lineup by moving the notoriously bad Owen Picklestein out of the Shadows an rerolled Silvaire Roadhouses Flinch allowing them to finally hit the ball.
B – Batting: Now it’s time we break down their Batting.
Sporting a massive 13 batters their Lineup is equal to or longer than about half the League’s teams.
The first half is bad, but the second half is good when they get that far.
The most concerning issue is going to be the impact of Underhanded Pitchers; Boston relies heavily on hitting Home Runs to make up for their weak start, and that just won’t fly this Season.
T – Throwing: And lastly we talk about Boston’s Throwing, or Pitching if you want to be accurate.
We can simply describe their Pitching as “really good.”
Cory Twelve took an allergic reaction but is still good, Gloria Bugsnax is a delight, Castillo Turner would not be satisfied with all of the pitching stars in Baseball, and Brock Forbes is as solid as a rock.
As we can see, Boston is still going to be bad and should be favorites to reach the Underbracket. Their strong pitching means they’re not favorites to win it all, but it’ll be their fourth Postseason in a row, which is fun.
I feel like I’m forgetting something really important that will impact the Division and potentially the League as a whole. But I guess it can’t be that important if I forgot.
Anyway, that’s it folks. Remember to use my simple technique to get the best team analysis around. All you need to do is to remember DEBT.
16: 🔥 Chicago Firefighters [+2]
Season 5, Day 30. The Chicago Firefighters experience the second-ever full team Reverb. At first glance it seems rough; moving the then-highest-star pitcher in the league, Axel Trololol, to batting and moving several other players between the Lineup and Rotation. Instead. it’s a blessing in disguise and the team goes on to win the championship that season.
Almost exactly 15 seasons later, the Firefighters experience their second full team Reverb, which at first glance is similarly devastating. Reversing the Season 15 Election Swap of Lou Roseheart and Wesley Poole to the Lineup and Rotation respectfully seems like a major hit, and moving 4-star batter Wanda Schenn to the Rotation for a 2-star replacement is also rough. For the Firefighters though, it was a similar sight to Season 5: Lou seems to be a better batter and baserunner than Wesley ever was, and Wes has been holding their own on the mound. Wanda has Partied themself into being a solid pitcher in their own right, and is only aided by an Underhanded cap, while Clare Mccall is at least less harm on the Lineup than they were on the Rotation. Add to that the return of former Firefighter Gabriel Griffith and you’re looking at a deceptively good roster.
Will it be enough to keep the Firefighters afloat against the powerhouses of Wild Low? Who knows. But there’s one thing for sure, and that’s that Reverb never hurts the Firefighters.
15: 🐅 Hades Tigers [-5]
“Hang- hang on. Hang on a second. Wait, ju- hang, just hold on. Stop. Hang on, wait, I don’t… Uh, uh, wait j- hang… just hold on. Hello? Hi. Help. Wait, just sto- just stop, just slow down for a minute I gotta- just, I gotta- I got- Ahh, uh, hang on.
I’m pretty sure we’re a blaseball team.”
As dictated to Panda by Violence News Network
14: 🏋️♀️ Tokyo Lift [+9]
Season 21— specifically the Season 20 Elections— is the Tokyo Lift’s 10 season birthday. And how much we’ve grown from-
What? 23rd in the last PR?
But 9th in the standings! Where is BNN?
Oh. Right here.
Yeah, Lift good, if you haven’t heard, and on its way to getting better, with deceptively good pitching (although no Underhanded items) and a really solid Lineup. Engine Eberhardt for Knight Triumphant was a sidegrade at best, but Eve McBlase II roaming was clutch for an era where the Lift are struggling to feel like Sunday won’t just make them worse.
Due to an errant Wildcard, Lift’s Fax prep includes a newly-hatched 4 star pitcher, but the decidedly large Gym keeps all but the best teams from Faxing them at all.
Now, will any of this be enough for another championship win?
…probably not. But a second Wild High Playoffs spot could happen. Maybe. Don’t quote me on that.
13: 🗣 Canada Moist Talkers [-1]
|-•—————————————————————————————————– | 0:06 – 21:57
Commissioner Vapor Traxx – It’s Time. (MOISTHOUSETV Announcement)
7,752,162 Views • 20 Jun 2021 👍 0 👎 0 (Likes Disabled)
🗣️Moist House TV ✓
An apology video.
Hey wet ones, looks like I owe you one big sawrry, lmao
We had some really good times together last season. Spliff with the crazy sub pranks and some HILARIOUS feedback (lmao Jacobyyyy! My duuuuude!) but I gotta get it out from under my brain juice. It’s not the same without my boy Koch. I got offered an extended contract w/ lots of perks over in Dalston, I think [Ed. notes: Houston, he’s referring to Houston.] and it was an offer I couldn’t refuse [ed: Literally]. I know Greer’s back batting and that’s cool? lmao, but idk if I can stay without goin a little bit outta my orb, yk? Maybe I can make an overbracket run with Dalston! idk. So yeah, sayin bye to my fave Moisties, since I’ll be leaving Moist House TV.
You guys are cool, tho. You’ll get tons done without me, for sure [ed. Probably in the underbracket.], get a cool third ring [ed. Again, probably in the underbracket], maybe watch MHTV grow as people [ed. Debatable for Greer]… Yeah you guys are gonna be fine, lmao.
So yeah uhhh, this is CV signin’ off from Moist House TV. I’ll miss you guys, and I’ll make sure to visit! peacccceeee!!!!
The Commish V
Editor’s Notes: We received word from Vapor that he will not be permitted to visit.
12: 🔱 Atlantis Georgias [+3]
Alright, Georgias, we had a bad run. We lost Jan, we lost Niq, it was— nobody enjoyed anything that was happening to us. But now. NOW. Now we turn around. We’ve got Erin, notably a bad batter, on the Rotation. We’ve got Jan, notably a bad batter, on the Rotation. We’ve got Big Grack, notably a bad batter, on the Lineup. It’s over for the ILB. The Georgias are going up.
That’s right baby, the Georgias are going up. Half of our Shadows are Negative! Our items are made out of helium! These fish can’t even stay in the ocean! Look out the window! Look at the ocean! Those goshdang fish are going all the way to the sun! We don’t— what the heck are consequences? Let’s touch those cacti, baby! Let’s pop!
Alright, alright, we had our fun. Enough jokes. It’s time to be a bit serious now. You see, the Georgias have a problem. Wild High has a problem. And that problem is named Knight Triumphant. That monster is on the Lift, back in the Wild High, and nobody knows what they’re gonna do. They’ll snap at any moment. They ruined the Georgias and they’ll do it to all the rest of us. Watch out for that Triumphant. They’ve got everyone else fooled, but not me. Not me.
Georgias good. Georgias up.
11: 🐌 Ohio Worms [+10]
Season 20 was a rough time for the Ohio Worms.
Their performance was weighed down by Rivers Rosa, but it still wasn’t enough to worm their way to the bottom of Wild Low.
They were outpaced by the Boston Flowers thus denying them Bottom Feeder once more.
Come the Election their Will was clear, remove Rivers Rosa.
It was so clear that they Swapped then for the Shadowed Xandra Pancakes and then for good measure moved Rivers into the Shadows again to send a message.
The Ohio Worms won three Blessings to make up for not getting to Bottom Feed.
They won Shadow Capes, took the Green Light home to Wild Low, which was picked up by Stew Briggs, and lastly they won Heavy Handed.
Wild Low is still strong and even without Rivers Rosa, the Worms are likely headed to the Underbracket once more.
Will Season 21 finally see the Worms wiggle their way to the bottom of Wild Low? There’s only one way to find out. Worm On!
10: 📱 New York Millennials [+1]
The New York Millennials managed to be among the Most Middle in Season 20, alongside the Baltimore Crabs, Chicago Firefighters, and Hades Tigers. We didn’t make it into the Overbracket or Underbracket, and judging by the Consumer Attacks in the Playoffs, that may have been for the best. How did the Season 20 Elections go? Surprisingly, pretty well!
On the Lineup, which had been Reverbed on Day 68, we now have a returning Chorby Short and Andrew Solis to positions #3 and #9 respectively! Chorby Short? Andrew Solis? Welp, it turns out Castillo Turner’s New York Partying days are over as the Boston Flowers elected to fetch their gigantic cactus back, and sent us back the funky frog Chorby Short. While still an Attractor, Chorby Short picked up some Parties at the end of Season 20, and is a formidable batter now! With over 5 (actual) stars in Batting and Baserunning, and over 4 stars in Defense, Chorby Short’s magical powers for our Lineup will be a nice bridge between freshly Ego+’d, Negatived, and Undefined H-t-ie-d S-z-ki (Hatfield Suzuki) and Thomas Dracaena.
Kichiro Guerra headed back to Ohio and we retrieved Andrew Solis back, and after two Parties of their own, has almost returned to their pre-Consumed self! Hatfield, along with Anathema Elemefayo, Mullen Peterson, and Nandy Fantastic (still Elsewhere and now Undefined), also picked up some much-needed Parties. The new Undefined Mod on Nandy, Hatfield, and Andy causes them to play between 50-100% better while Scattered, so Mild High should watch out for us! I’m looking forward to parties for Sandie Turner and Schneider B-B-Bendie?
Oh! There they are. Schneider Bendie, formerly in #3 position on the Lineup after the Reverb, has joined our Pitching Rotation! Bendie’s appearance on the Coffee Cup team, Atlético Latte, showed us the potential they had for some solid pitching, and while the average Lineup is weaker than last season with Castillo Turner’s astonishingly low ERA (1.59), the four pitchers of the New York Millennials sport an average pitching of ~4.75, with 6 star juggernaut Theodore Cervantes waiting by the Fax Machine in Jersey to strike back. Sandie Carver was also flipped Negative during the Election, and Bloodway feels a little lighter.
Is this finally the season the Millennials get off their phones and head towards the Overbracket Championship? We’re going to darn well try. Let’s Go Mills. Baby. Love Da Mills.
9: 🥩 Dallas Steaks [-1]
The Dallas Steaks finished 3rd in the ILB in Season 20 on the back of well-done election results the previous Season.
Their Overbracket proved they were a little too overcooked and they fell in the Mild League Championships against the eventual ILB Champions the Core Mechanics.
In the election they flipped Wyatt Mason IV for Zephyr McCloud and made the long term play by infusing Gallup Crueller.
The Dallas Steaks are still a strong team but so are their competitors in Mild High.
Another Overbracket run might be in the cards but they’ll have to defeat Mild High to get there.
It’ll take time before we know if going for long term gain over raw power was worth it, or if it was all a mis-steak.
8: 🥧 Philly Pies [-1]
If you are not improving— really improving— in this league, you are falling behind. The Pies’ Season 20 showed just how true this is. After two straight seasons of having the best record in the league, the Pies put in a truly mediocre performance this season. What happened? While the loss of ace pitcher Elvis Figueroa certainly didn’t help, losing one pitcher did not precipitate this fall, especially with a new Fax Machine in the Oven. The true culprit is the constant improvement by league rivals that the Pies were not matching, both in Party Time and Elections. So where does that leave us looking at season 21? Well…
Unlike in the previous two seasons, the Pies received numerous improvements in Party Time in Season 20. Pitcher Tiana Takahashi and hitter Beasley Day should be markedly improved next season, as should Jaxon Buckley, already one of the League’s top hitters. Others in the Lineup will also start Season 21 better than the previous one. Moreover, Doc Anise, Infused in the Shadows in the Season 19 Election, replaces Usurper Violent, the weakest link in the Lineup. At least on paper, the Pies’ bats are unmatched.
Things are not all good in Philly, however. While moving Doc Anice onto the active roster was certainly a solid improvement, the only other move involved giving a ring to a player now on the Moist Talkers. Meanwhile, these same Moist Talkers reclaimed the very competent pitcher Greer Lott, replacing them with the unfortunately named Beans McBlase, who has never played in the position and likely has an upcoming date with Jessica Telefax (as I like to call the Oven’s new Fax Machine). Of course, the Pies are not the only team to suffer setbacks. Many of their division rivals will have to overcome their own missteps and misfortunes in the Election, while not receiving as many (if any) Party Time enhancements.
I would love to say that the Pies are back on track to break records like in Seasons 18 and 19, but this team just doesn’t have the stability on the mound for that, particularly in a Mild League with the reigning ILB champion Mechanics and the accrescent competition in the Low division. At the end of the day, the Pies are fielding one of the strongest Lineups in the League, and, if they are going to compete this season, they will need to show that that’s enough. –Phoebe I. Ellis
7: 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams [-1]
The Hellmouth Sunbeams Election: What happened, and how good it was, in ascending order.
-Lars Taylor’s Defense got buffed in the Shadows
-Nagomi Nava received the Green Light mod
-Phineas Wormthrice is Magnified
-Elvis Figueroa is pitching again
-The entire team’s Thwack was accidentally boosted by 5%
-Hendricks Richardson gained Walk In The Park
-The entire team’s Moxie was boosted by 20% but on purpose
And last, but most importantly, the single greatest thing to come out of any Election for the Hellmouth Sunbeams:
-THE CRIMINAL TOT FOX AKA SUNSLAYER, AKA LIGHT’S BANE, AKA HELIOS BEGONIOS, HAS BEEN BANISHED TO THE SHADOWS.
Finally, penance is occurring, nature is healing, and perhaps this means the Sunbeams can move on from the events of Season 11.
(But in all seriousness all of Wild Low is really good and between Underhanded and Tunnels I really don’t know what’s gonna happen. Beams good but I truly, truly don’t know if that matters anymore.)
6: 🦀 Baltimore Crabs [-1]
A Flashback to Season 19:
THE CRABS ARE BACK BABY! WOOOOO!!!! EAT THAT MOIST TALKERS! WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU TIGERS! PHILLY PIES? MORE LIKE PHILLY CRIES! OTHER TEAMS, YOU SUCK TOO! THE CRABS ARE BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER! WE’RE GONNA WIN A FIFTH CHAMPIONSHIP! CRABS GOOD!
[Crabs finish in 14th place, missing the playoffs and Free Wills.]
A Flashback to Season 20:
Overall uh… Crabs Good. Buckle up ILB, because Baltimore is gearing up for another crack at a Championship.
[Crabs finish in 10th place, missing both The Overbracket and Underbracket.]
Okay guys, I swear, the Crabs are good THIS SEASON. It’s gonna be great. Look, we vastly improved by cutting the dead weight of Pedro Davids and bringing in Kaz Fiasco. The Gator from Montgomery County has been unleashed upon the Immaterial Plane. The Bertie Bucks economy is HOT! Alston Cerveza is going to have more than 0 RBI’s this season! Our pitchers are really cold, someone should give them some jackets. But that’s besides the point, we’re totally really good again. Crabs back baby! WE’RE GONNA WIN THE ILB CHAMPIONSHIP! WE CAN’T LOSE…. We won’t lose…. we aren’t gonna lose right?…. crabs good? please?
5: 🌮 LA Unlimited Tacos [-1]
It’s been a strange season in the Infinite Cities. The Tacos exploded out of the traps, looking like the team to beat halfway through the season. The high-powered offense with Fish Summer leading off was humming, boosted (in team spirit, if not offensive output) by NaN finally coming home, with the pitching Rotation performing strongly, anchored by ace Yummy Elliott, and Underhanded Michelle Sportsman (and her negative ERA!) drawing the delight of all the Sickos™ in the Taco Stand.
Then it all started to shift. Captain Mcdowell Mason was expelled Elsewhere by Salmon Cannons, and the offense began to splutter. Sportsman, previously undefeated, began to lose games. The defense was leaking Runs. Latesiesta could not have come at a better time, giving a much-needed breather and a chance to relax for a minute. Wait, what? Our Free Gift was Fourby? We built a Ball Pit and a Peanut Mister? That… was not supposed to happen. A misguided expenditure from rogue Tacos threw multiple spanners in the works, but the season had to continue.
Mcdowell Mason finally returned, only to see the Firefighters steal the one (Clutch Wooden Rock) ring. The bottom of the Lineup had the trifecta of NaN, Fourby, and Fig struggling to score. Then the Tacos finally got wiggled. An unfortunate Reverb shuffled the batting order, and disastrously moved Yummy Elliott to bat, and Basilio Mason to pitch (finally breaking his consecutive games played streak).
The Tacos soldiered on, limping slightly into the postseason, where they would overcome the Sunbeams, but fall short to the Spies in the Wild League Championship, a remarkable effort considering the circumstances.
The Election swapped Yummy and BMase back where they belong, moved NaN into the Shadows, gave Basilio some ludicrous Moxie, and left the Tacos looking like… well, looking like they had two seasons ago, to be honest. Given their success post-Grand Siesta, it’s certainly an enviable position to be in, but the Wild Low thunderdome looks as tough as ever, and another Internet Series run might be beyond them. Given the season they’ve had though, being there or thereabouts at the end without any major mishaps along the way would probably be a welcome relief.
4: 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints [+5]
The combination of a Best-In-Franchise-History regular season coupled with a heartbreaking early knockout in the Postseason and a Consumer attack to fan favorite Marco Stink leaves it hard to know how to feel as a Mints fan. But what is brushing off the dust and chucking your worst batter into your Shadows if not Mints persevering?
Despite the loss of Uncle Plasma, the pitching Rotation that led all of Blaseball in Team ERA remains strong. Leach Ingram and Winnie Hess simply maintaining their W/L% across their additional share of games would result in an astounding 70 Win season (barring Loop shenanigans) and it’s only likely to get better with 4th-in-the-ILB-in-Strikeouts Hierophantic Foible now safely contained in the Mints shadows and Kina Larsen free of a batting-impeding jersey. Marco’s unfortunate chomp aside, the Mints Lineup may have finally overcome their hurdles and be ready to give their stellar pitching staff the run support they need for this team to reach new heights.
All-in-all, the Mints stand ready to cast aside the heavy toll of the previous Postseason and ride their giant horse to another chance at victory in the Overbracket.
3: 🏝 Hawai’i Fridays [-1]
The Fridays mostly performed to expectations last season, setting a franchise record 69 Wins before bowing out early in the Overbracket, during a series where their best pitcher never took the mound.
The Election brought some fun minor buffs to the offense, with the Repeating Don Mitchell, Steal King, now getting a small batting buff every at-bat thanks to Slow Build. The impact of this Mod will be lessened with the move to a longer Lineup thanks to Stevenson Heat finally stepping into the batter’s box, adding a new home run threat to the Hawai‘i offense, but decreasing the number of at-bats for heavy hitters like Don and Beck Whitney. The Fridays’ Lineup otherwise took a hit with two bad Blooddrains to local himbo Jacob Winner and the reversal of last Election’s Gabriel Griffith trade. The silver lining? Alyssa Harrell and Baldwin Breadwinner(‘s socks) have finally been reunited.
On that note, pitching ace Evelton McBlase stole an Underhanded item during the team’s final game of the Playoffs, weakening Breadwinner’s Steaks. With Heat blessed to the Lineup, and allergic rookie Yasslyn Statter Jr. moved to the Shadows, the Fridays have revved up a sneakily good (7th in ERA) Rotation into an absolute beyblade: two dangerous Underhanded threats every four games in McBlase and the pristine Juice Collins. Opponents will face at least one potential top ten pitcher in the League every single series they face the Fridays.
They say defense wins championships, and the Fridays’ identity just shifted heavily in the defensive direction. Our illustrious panel is still high on the Fridays, but questions remain. Will Harrell play up to her star count? Can Juice and McBlase hold onto their valuable items in the new Tunnel meta? Is three percent a big enough Sinking Ship buff to be noticeable?
The answer, as always, is birds, birds, and more birds.
2: 🕵️ Houston Spies [+1]
No one except the Houston Spies players know where the Houston Spies play. They run a tight ship. Everything is kept secret and under wraps. There is one issue with all of this though.
They can’t call an exterminator to get rid of all the sharks.
Ten times the Spies were attacked by Consumers in Season 20, and if the Spies try to call a person to do something about it, that person is going to know where they play. That’s not cool!
But no matter how much Houston gets attacked by blood-hungry sea creatures, it will not stop them from being great. Season 20 the Spies came closer than ever to winning it all, losing in a heartbreaking Game 5 in the Internet Series to the Core Mechanics. And there were some steps back for the Spies in the loss of the newly magnified Dudley Mueller for the admittedly worse -aula Maso-. But with two of the best pitchers in the game at the helm in Bennett Bluesky and Underhanded Alexandria Rosales, the cutting of Pudge Nakamoto, and the addition of Commissioner Vapor in the Election, the Spies dare to achieve in Season 21 what they’ve never done before: Win the ILB Internet League Blaseball Championship.
Now if only they could figure out a solution for those sharks. I’m thinking [REDACTED].
1: 🛠 Core Mechanics [-]
The Core Mechanics have lifted their 5th Overchampionship and 2nd since The Descension in Season 13… what a sentence to write.
This feat can be attributed to the Mechanics playoff record now standing at 23-12 (excluding Season 15 Wildcard), made possible by their patented strong pitching and defense mixing well with their reliably solid batting Lineup.
The Mechanics have built on this during the Season 20 Election by getting really into yoyos. The Steaks (Thank you again, love you Steak) gave their Blessing for Zoey Kirchner to return to the Mechanics who left following a Season 16 Election wimdy. The Mechanics did this by trading pitcher Shirai McElroy for Mindy via the Equivalent Exchange will before using their Move Will to return Shirai McElroy to the Shadow Rotation, who now waits to be Shadow Faxed in if needed.
Therefore the Core boosted their pitching Rotation along with bringing an original Mechanic back home! Unfortunately, the Mechanics bid for ‘States of Play’ to massively boost their batting Lineup once they returned failed, despite the 62% bid marking the 5th Election in a row without any Blessings.
Ultimately, the Mechanics should return to the Playoffs this season to defend their title. But, with two players still elsewhere and Judochop still recovering from their scattering, their raising eDensity is a big concern for a team that has avoided Consumer Attacks so well. But I will say this:
Our players may be Scattered or Elsewhere, our Drumsolo may be Shelled, but over these last few seasons: We’ve pulled surprise comeback after surprise comeback, faced countless close games with our hearts in our throats, and seen our team triumph. We are on the verge of making history, potentially being the first team to gain our second Evolution Modification. We have everything to gain and nothing to prove.
So bring your best Blaseball with you, hit us head-on with your best batters and pitchers, and show us what your team is all about, and if you beat us, we wish you nothing but the best and hope you take the Championship home for your team! Now with all that said, there’s only one thing left to say:
An Umpire Appeared. Rejoice! *Play Ball!*