Blaseball Power Rankings: Season 20

compiled & edited by Cat Stlats and Em Fring

We all know how this is going to go by now. Our replorters and analysts spend hours pouring over the numbers, dissecting all the data, and praying to whatever entities we can still trust to bring you these Power Rankings. What does any of this mean in the era of Turntables and the Underbracket? Probably even less than usual. Anyway, here are your Season 20 ILB Power Rankings.

24: 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings [-]

Ok team, gather in. I know things went bad last season, which ended up being good, but will probably be bad again this season. But we’ve gotten better! Cell, you’ve put in the training and come back out of the Shadows to pitch, and hopefully you should be able to win a few more than Josh did. Josh, buddy, we’ll get you back in the Lineup soon. So with the revamped pitching corps, and with Axel getting Underhanded, we can… Sorry, hold on, what? Axel didn’t get Underhanded? But, like, they’re objectively terrible at pitching. One of the worst to ever play the game, and I don’t state that lightly. Ok, ok, I can work with this…. Ok team, gather in. Who has ideas for our Free Will? -Spludge237

23: 🏋️‍♀️ Tokyo Lift [-5]

It’s Day 36 of Blaseball’s 8th season and Goobie takes the plate after Firefighters batter Jose Haley dies under mysterious circumstances. They say it was an incineration, but Goobie knows the truth. Goobie knows many things. Goobie knows that the Lift are better than many people give them credit for: last season’s win, even in such a weird season, is proof of that. They don’t have any particular strengths, sure, but also no particular weaknesses. Solid batting, solid pitching, great baserunning, the defense is…also solid, but Goobie knows that defense is mostly fake.

It’s the Season 17 Elections. The Talkers receive Goobie in exchange for Carmelo Plums, who later dies under mysterious circumstances. They say it was an incineration, but Goobie knows the truth. Goobie knows many things. They also know that, while the Lift probably won’t even make playoffs in Season 20 (as usual, Wild Low will take 3 of the 4 spots), they have many viable paths to improvement. The newly foreshadowed Silvaire is a great pitching prospect, Kit Honey and Engine are bound to shine on the plate, and there’s a few solid batters on their rotation that could be swapped to the lineup. They also will, hopefully, party a lot. No weaknesses and no strengths means they can shape their team in any way they want. The Lift should, in theory, have no more tragedy on the horizon. No more losing fan favorites, after Stijn in S17 and Quitter way back in S14.

It’s the Season 19 Elections. The Talkers trade Goobie to the Lift in exchange for Cudi Di Batterino. Goobie is sorry for Cudi. Sorry that it has to be this way. They don’t feel guilty or ashamed, though: they know we are all puppets. Goobie is just a puppet who can see the strings. It’s Day 1 of Blaseball’s 20th season and Goobie is standing on the mound, their arm raised, their aim true. It’s the 22nd of November 1963 and Goobie is crouching on the grassy knoll, their arm raised, their aim true. The earliest record we have of Blaseball’s existence dates back to the 12th of December 1983, but Goobie is here now, and they are sorry it has to be this way. But they must take the shot. dargo

22: 🎸 Seattle Garages [-3]

Typically, the runners-up to the previous ILB Championships would likely be seen in a very positive light, but with the topsy-turvy nature of Season 19, things are anything but typical. The Garages did need to earn their wins once they arrived in the postseason, but still ended up falling short. As far as Season 20 goes, the Garages’ roster has stayed fairly stagnant. The tragic loss of Sparks Beans brought Lenjamin Zhuge to the lineup. Lenji’s stars might not impress, but they are definitely looking to impress, and did a good enough job of it during their postseason debut. Avila Guzman, a top performer reclaimed by the team in the S18 elections, was the target of an unfortunate feedback, replaced with an Aldon Cashmoney replica whose work in the postseason was appreciated, but the dust has taken them. Brisket Friendo was shadowed, but Emblem Warhorse appears to be somewhat of a lateral change rather than an upgrade. Theodore Duende’s boosts have been great, but they can’t be utilized until at least next season. And the Garages’ rotation remains as expanded as ever, albeit with a few upgrades from the various shadow dunks that many of their pitchers dealt with. The Garages can always surprise, but things might be tough if star players Malik Destiny and Lotus Mango can’t ask for the bill from Elsewhere’s Waffle House soon. Even if the band doesn’t get to sniff that championship game again this season, there’s always the Underbracket. -Twinkle the Wonder Horse

21: 🐌 Ohio Worms [-1]

Worms : Hey! What’s all this lying around silt?
Spies : Season’s Over, Worms. Coin Boss dropped the big Un.
Worms : What? Over? Under? Did you say “OverUnder”? Nothing is Over OR Under until we decide it is! Was it over when the Astronauts bombed Alaska? No!
Flowers : [to Sunbeams] Astronauts?
Sunbeams : Forget it, they’re writhing.
Worms : And it ain’t Over or Under now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough… … [Nobody responds]
Worms : The Worms get wrigglin’! Who’s with me? Let’s go! [Worms runs to Offseason, alone; then returns]
Worms : What the heck happened to the Wild Low I used to know? Where’s the Bottom Dwelling? Where’s the Party triggers, huh? This could be the greatest season of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the UnGreatest. “Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you Worms, we might get UnWins.” Well, just kiss my Wormhole from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Coin Boss, she’s dead! Peanut, dead! Consumers …
Flowers : Dead! The Worms are right. Referencing a movie that’s older than almost all of us … but absolutely right. We gotta take these dieties. Now we could do it with conventional Wins, but that could take seasons and cost millions of votes. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part!
Worms : We’re just the division to do it.
Dale : [stands up]
Tacos : [stands up] Let’s go, Wild Low.
Worms : [shouting] “Let’s GO, WILD LOW!!!” [Worms run towards Season 20 with Votes flying out of their pockets]
-Ifhbiff

20: 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves [+1]

The Shoe Thieves aren’t so much having a rebuilding year as a rebuilding Era. Ever since fighting God and getting cursed at the end of Season 9, they’ve been struggling to regain their former form.

Two delacings, feedback, and a few Reform wills have whittled away at the curses such that the Thieves now have only two Flinching batters in their current lineup. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the aforementioned delacings and feedback, along with various underwhelming Roamers getting haphazardly stapled to the roster, have undercut the Thieves’ efforts to find their way back to the top. Add to that a truly disastrous Reverb—in which a surgically precise position swap made the Games husbands, Cornelius and Richardson, into the league’s worst hitter and worst pitcher, respectively—and it’s no mystery why Charleston’s having trouble making it out of the Mild Low basement.

There are some positive signs for the future, albeit a future more distant than Season 20. Goodwin Morin III, rescued from dusting by being consigned to the Thieves’ shadows by the Fax Preparation blessing, will presumably fax into the rotation early and will certainly provide more solid pitching than whoever she replaces (I’m looking at you, Richardson). In addition, she’ll turn to dust at the end of the season and shorten the bloated rotation by one. The Thieves also have several talented players who, if they could only make it into the right spots on the roster, would make the team a solid playoff contender again. Watch for a season that’s not great but a bit better than S19, followed by a lot of reshuffling in the election. And keep an eye on the Choux Stadium fax machine, the most overworked piece of office equipment on the Immaterial Plane. -tealdeer

19: 💋 San Francisco Lovers [-3]

After an upset victory against the Fridays carried the Lovers to their first decent playoff run since Season 10, the Lovers have taken some gains and are ready for yet another season of most likely being bad. Despite this, they still have their star batters in Knight Triumphant, Cannonball Sports, and Don Michell- Wait, what’s that? Sorry, I’m getting word that all three of them have been feedbacked to other teams, I see… Oh, well, on the bright side we now have Conner Haley ready to maintain power in the Lovers lineup- Oh, what’s that, Conner Haley got feedbacked away too? Oh… Umm… Anyways, the Lovers did get a couple of blessings, bolstering their Shadows defense and making Karato Bean guarded, which will come in handy with the fact that the Lovers have the most fortified stadium in the League, which you would not be able to tell otherwise due to only two seasons bringing in four feedback swaps and the incineration of Sparks Beans occurring in the Polyhedron. Oh hey, we have Mindy Salad now too! -Jade Townsend

18: 🔥 Chicago Firefighters [+4]

Listen, did the Chicago Firefighters have another wimdy-filled election for the second season in a row? Yes. Are they looking a little worse for wear? Also yes. It might not be as bad as it seems, however.

Yes, losing Gabriel Griffith in exchange for attractor Alyssa Harrell puts a considerable dent in the rotation. Foreshadowing long-standing Firefighters pitcher Caleb Alvarado (who up until now was the sole remaining member of the team’s original rotation) for shadow player Clare Mccall with a 0% chance was more of a side-grade. These can’t be discounted. But the Firefighters’ situation might not be as dire as it seems.

For the first time in team history, the Firefighters’ have a 5 star batter, reverberating Baby Triumphant, thanks to winning the Batting Practice blessing. An alt-trust on Socks Maybe has left them a significantly improved batter (cat, in fact, can bat!). The team’s offense, which has been described as “anemic” in past seasons, has improved, and in true Firefighters fashion, is backstopped by their solid defense. The rotation will also find help in the team’s newly installed Fax Machine and a crop of decent pitchers from the shadows.

Will this be enough to keep the Firefighters afloat? Only time will tell. But it’s bound to be an exciting season regardless. -Stara

17: 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands [+6]

Baby Doyle was in one of my classes last semester. He was pretty quiet, raised his hand a few times to try to answer questions but never got called on. Mostly people tried to act normal around him so he didn’t feel uncomfortable or anything. Anyway, the professor was talking about the Jands as an example of a team which lacks power hitting and relies on two or three star players to carry their offense, being as a result somewhat volatile despite their mostly solid pitching. Last season’s result, the professor says, was a fluke. Doyle smiles and shows us some rare Collins Melon footage that looked like nothing anyone had ever seen before. It was Godly. They were rolling so fast.

Doyle is trying to turn the volume up so we can hear the crowd going wild. The class is going bananas, hyped up off those incredible plays. The professor yells “TURN THAT OFF!”.

Dead silence.

Doyle and the professor lock eyes. Solid 15 seconds of staredown and the lights go out. Gasps and murmurs from the class. A booming voice fills the auditorium: loud and distorted like it’s being broadcast through a P.A. system.

“EVERYTHING IS MELON, EVERYTHING IS MELON, EVERYTHING IS MELON, EVERYTHING IS MELON, EVERYTHING IS MELON, EVERYTHING IS MELON, EVERYTHING IS MELON”

The lights flip back on. At the front of the class, the professor is gone. In his place is standing Collins Melon. All eyes move to the seat Baby Doyle was sitting in…Collins Melon. That’s when I realized I wasn’t sitting in a seat anymore, I was sitting on Collins Melon. I hopped up and tried to bolt for the door (which was also Collins Melon) when I realized I couldn’t move my feet because my shoes were now Collins Melon. I opened my mouth and attempted to draw in a breath of air, but I was a base and there was only Collins Melon.

Only Collins Melon.

Everything was Collins Melon. -dargo

16: ✨ Yellowstone Magic: [-2]

I have never been more relieved to see a strong Mild League. Yellowstone Magic has finally taken the metaphorical ballpeen hammer to the shin and crumpled over, like a clumsy construction worker who really needs to work on his Swing. Our lineup exists again (Halexandrey is an upgrade over Evelton, and Logan is Logan), but our pitching has seen better days, keeping last season in mind. Getting Eiz Up was meant to help our rotation, but all it did was slap an adhesive patch on one of many new glaring holes in the Titanic Team of Yellowstone. That said, it’s a good position to be in. Even with James inching towards the Vault, we still have Washer waiting in the shadows to take over. Party Time and the Underbracket is in our future; If there was ever a time to coast, it’s now. We can finally rest.

Yep, it’s time for a healthy break from being a competitive threat. No more Giant-Killing.

… But I really don’t want to say anything with too much certainty. O No is still difficult to account for, for better or worse. It is the cursed albatross we carry on our shoulders, condemning us to being either dominant in the regular season, or just good enough to hit PT on Day 99. There’s a hope and a prayer that it has finally slid from our necks and into the Immateria, but until party time quenches my thirst like a bucket of rainwater, this Ancient Mariner– I mean Magic Fan is holding his breath. Magic SHOULD be bad enough to miss the Overbracket. Should. And for Partying’s Sake, I hope it stays that way. – Nate

15: 🔱 Atlantis Georgias [-3]

Alright, gang, I’ll give it to you straight. It’s bad. The Georgias are in a bad place. We were good last season, but that was bad. Now, we’re not good, and we’re not bad. We’ve got – I mean, we’ve got this Dickerson Morse guy. Who even is he? What happened to Ivy? I mean, at least it’s not Knight Triumphant. Erin’s still batting, who even knows what the hell she’s up to anymore. Did you know she got alternated like two seasons ago? When did that even happen? Why is Slosh Uncertain? Who the hell is Dickerson Morse? It’s just – it’s chaos down here. It’s absolute anarchy.

So we’re not bad, which is good. But we’re not playoffs good, which is bad. But we’re also not underbracket bad, which is still bad. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking hey, wait a second, the Georgias are actually pretty bad! That’s good! But you know who’s worse? The rest of Wild High. Which is bad for us, but good for them. Nothing makes sense and I wanna move to Ohio.

Don’t expect great things from the Georgias this season, but also don’t expect awful things. Just…don’t expect. Please. For everyone’s sake. -Sydney

14: 🌹 Boston Flowers [-4]

Over…growth The Boston Flowers wouldn’t petal settle for less than victory and were the only Non-Wild Card team to participate in both the Season 18 and Season 19 Postseasons. They had a good election, team veteran Jacob Haynes found a root route home and NaN roamed away. They avoided Underachievement, giving that Modification to Alston Cerveza of the Baltimore Crabs (Sorry).

Under…growth Buuutttt they lost both Season 18 and 19 to the eventual Champions, losing 2-3 in both sprouts bouts, first against the Core Mechanics and then the Tokyo Lift. And the election wasn’t all sunshine and roses, fan favourite Jaylen Hotdogfingers was Alternated for the worse (Whoops). They’ll weed need to improve if they want to catch the rest of Wild Low.

Over…growth The Boston Flowers are far from great, and with the creation of the Underbracket, they’ll leaf lead the way towards the Under Championship and a third Postseason finish in a grow row. The Boston Flowers may be the Worst of the Best, but that’s vine fine by them if it gives them another shot at a Championship. -Kidror

13: 🚤 Miami Dale [-7]

As a blaseball team, how do you continue to play well when you lose one of your best Players? Season 19 saw the Dale having to answer that question when party animal Logan Horseman was tragically incinerated by a Rogue Umpire on Day 7, and replaced by Bobbin Moss.

The Dale also had a quiet election that may produce results in the future, but neither Will improved the Dale’s Lineup enough to make up for their loss.

As it stands, the Dale Rotation is solid going into Season 20. Sixpack Santiago continues to be a good pitcher, but Liam Snail is the weak link in the Dale Rotation. Don’t get me wrong, Liam is not a terrible pitcher, but Liam could use improvements to reduce the runs scored.

The Dale Lineup continues to be their downfall. Caleb Novak just doesn’t have enough uppiness to be anywhere near reliable, but Caleb now has more utility since they are Negative on top of being a Fire Eater. Bobbin Moss is just not comparable to Logan Horseman, but a good Item could make Bobbin decent. Qais Dogwalker is decent at hitting the ball out of the park, but Qais struggles to get on Base. On the other hand, Rivers Clembons, Summers Preston, and Richmond Harrison are all strong Batters and performed well in Season 19.

I can’t predict what Season 20 has in store for the Miami Dale. With the inclusion of the Underbracket, Partytime could look completely different. The Dale could also make the Underbracket if they mostly play against other Wild Low teams.

Sometimes, you Max Velocity Boat Ramp a cool trick, but otherwise times you crash the Boat on an interstate.

Good luck and Dale! -Kina McCloud

12: 🗣 Canada Moist Talkers [+3]

After being ranked at #15 last season’s Power Rankings, people were surprised to see the Moist Talkers fight their way to the second most unwins in their division and enough of them to earn a Free Will, being among the bottom/top four teams in the league. But, in the elections, not everything worked out as well. Moist Talkers have a fancy, new data criming team mod in Moderation, but their star defender Cedric Spliff got subtractor, and Jesús Koch got the Legendary Super Roamin’ Fifth Base, kickstarting their ILB world tour to the broken hearts of dedicated fans. Two of their three Wills were used on players in the shadows, and the third was a small but appreciable upgrade in the Rotation in Cudi Di Batterino. Going into season 20, Moist Talkers can be called scrappy. They aren’t quite championship ready, but every game against them is going to be hard fought, because when the pressure is on the Moist Talkers know how to clutch out a win(win). -Erin Stille

11: 📱 New York Millenials [+6]

Season 19 Elections were some moves towards a better offense for the New York Millennials; moving Greer Gwiffin to lineup after a late party that fixed a long-term baserunning issue made for an enticing move, though they hadn’t figured Greer would be moved to the top of the Lineup. That does put perennial star Hatfield Suzuki in an excellent grand slam position. Greer’s leave from pitching solidifies the Millennials’ near top of the league pitching rotation, with Castillo Turner (barring a faulty Fax) pitching one out of every 4 games, backed up by Patty Fox, Conrad Vaughan, and Sandie Carver for an average 5.85 stars! Not to mention Theodore Cervantes waiting as relief, sporting its own 6 stars in pitching.

The bigger concerns are on lineup positions #5 and #6. Anathema Elemefayo and Kichiro Guerra both had a party near the end of last season, so they should improve a bit. Anathema cracked into the top ten walks of the entire league with 59 last season, due to his excellent plate discipline. Kichiro seems like a larger issue statistically, finding it hard to make solid contact with the ball. Anathema might be left stranded on base with iffy baserunning after the season 18 elections’ Alternate Trust. As Mild High has some big shakeups with the Pies losing Elvis Figueroa to the Sunbeams and a few Steaks hitters leaving, the domination of the Philly Pies may finally come to an end, and the Mills might be heading into the Overbracket. Mild Low won’t make it easy for the Mills, though. Mild League contention is going to be a bloodbath going into the final days of the Season 20 regular season. -Clip Clipperson

10: 🐅 Hades Tigers [-6]

psssh…nothin personnel…kid…

bio: the hades tigers were evolved with a special power. they were stronger than all their divisions teams in the wild high sadness league. they served in the ilb hall stars fighting the penut and in the final battel against the penut they were fighting and the penut turned them to the darkness and the hades tigers turned against the penut and killed him with a laundry violence fire home run. they lost a part of their fielding in the battle which is why they doesnt have defense, pls stop PMing me askin me why thats why. also losing aldon isnt important heck you coinminiongirlboss they still have paula when she comes back with a 20000 boost and who will nevr get vaulted

likes: hurtin people, bein badass, motorcycles, nine inch nails (the band), winning, gurgies, death, punk rock, jinco jeans, skulls, darkness, home runs, hot fishs with big muscles who are gay, the helmouth sunbeams, ninne inch nails (on finger), earings, purple (cool kind)

dislikse: niceness, happiness, levis, nick mora from the team screw you nick stop showin everyone my legally distinct deviantart, trent razner, short nails, sunshine, life, home runs, flootball dargo

9: 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints [-7]

Look, I’m not sure what the sim wants from us anymore. We improve our pitching to ungodly heights, get rid of a bad player in favour of a superb hitter, and the blaseball gods give us a middling season anyway. We even saw (un)Winnie Hess’s worst earlseason performance to date – giving up more homeruns in this fraction of season 19 than she did in the whole of season 18. Election wise, we managed to avoid blessings again, got rid of a bad hitter in Trinity Roche and improved pitching again (hopefully Lucas Petty faxes for 6.6 star pitcher Uncle Plasma soon). But, as is Breath Mint tradition, we gained a bad player in Hierophantic Foible. How many more seasons will this pattern continue? Will the Breath Mints ever make it into the semifinals? Can Winnie Hess even get any bigger? Only time will tell. One thing is certain though – the Breath Mints will manage to perform completely differently to however BNN predicts. -Finn

8: 🥩 Dallas Steaks [+5]

Steaks.
Pies.
Tigers.
Pies.
PODS.
Mints.
(Macchiato City.)
Wings.
Mints.
Pies.
Tigers.
Lift.

Alternated.

Steaks.

It’s been one hell of a game of Telephone, Jessica.
Welcome home.
-Custodian 3P

Dear Steaks fans who have tuned out of Blaseball, but for some reason still read the BNN Power Rankings, I am so sorry for the current state of our roster, but don’t despair! We have Jessica Telephone back! (Well, an alternate version of them in exchange for Kline Greenlemon). We also have Mason Wyatt IV! (As a 1.1 star batter, and don’t look at MaX on the Garages. Static doesn’t exist right?). We also also won two blessings!!! (One impaired Leach Herman and the other put our weakest batters first and strongest batters last). Hm… maybe we aren’t doing great.

Except we kind of are. Zoey Kirchner is finally in the rotation again after getting the Mech’s blessings (shoutout Mechs, love y’all) and is in prime position to pitch the season of their career. Zeph’s shadow rest turned them into a 5.1 star batter and put them in prime position to give either Holden or IVy a very well deserved shadow nap. (Unless the Georgias want IVy back, I would love to have tricky Dicky back) And don’t think that the blessing was entirely bad! While our best batters are now at the bottom of the lineup, they are now bunched together, giving an insane one-two-three-four punch of Rai into Cory into Knight into Ronan.

Just like usual, Steaks good, but not good enough for the playoffs. And now, with the underbracket, Steaks bad, but not bad enough for the underplayoffs.

Oh well. At least we have the hoops. STEAKHOUSE NUMBER GO UP!!! -Ophelia

7: 🥧 Philly Pies [-6]

For Pies fans, the less said about season 19, the better. Possibly the best Pies team in history coasted to the best record in the ILB with nothing to show for it. A dash to party time in an amazingly short time led only to Elvis Figueroa partying once, a party that now denies the Pies the ability to trade Kaz Fiasco back to the Sunbeams for Figueroa after a disastrous wimdy.

All is not lost, Philly fans. Though Figueroa is gone, Fiasco should prove a functional replacement, and the new fax machine in the Oven ensures that, even if Fiasco bombs, a relief is on the way. Peanut Holloway, off to a rough start last season, should be performing much better at plate after alternating, Even the Pies’ shadows are a bright spot, with an excellent newly infused Doc Anice just waiting to be called up.

The Pies have been for two seasons and should still remain one of the strongest teams in the league, but a dreadful question lingers in every Pies fan’s head: how long can it last? With competitors continuing to improve and narrowing the disparity in the Mild League, how long before the Pies are just another dog in the middle of the pack? And will the rules of the game, upended in the last season, even return to a state that would allow a dominant Pies team to clinch a long-coveted third championship? We’re adrift in a world that is chaotic and unknowable, and that, as they say, is blaseball, baby. -Phoebe I. Ellis

6: 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams [+5]

Okay, I know I’ve said this before, but hear me out. Capri Sunrise?

I know, I know. For several seasons I’ve been talking about how the Sunbeams grand plan is finally coming to a head and we’re going to see the Sunbeams get their second championship. But the Sunbeams have actually and finally done the one thing that most of us never thought we would see.

Lars Taylor was shadowed for 6.4 star pitcher Sigmund Castillo and the Sunbeams have one of the highest average star rotations in Blaseball.

To say that this took a lot of luck and coordination is a vast understatement. Two shadow infuses of Sigmund’s pitching, a successful swap, and parties amongst the pitching staff (Jayden Wright specifically) have made the Sunbeams into an actual force to be feared on the mound. This may very well be the most balanced Sunbeams team so far.

But in the end, Wild Low continues to be Enby Baby Jail, a collection of monsters of our own creation, and thus, the division winner will probably be whoever gets to play the Wild Wings the most. Panda

5: 🦀 Baltimore Crabs [+3]

Look at those Crabs… so flat… so strong… so beautifOH MY GOD I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE!………..Give a guy some warning will you? Sheesh. So uh, Crabs Good huh? Avila Guzman and Conner Haley are Crabs now, that’s fun. Tot Fox isn’t a Crab now but be quiet you can’t convince me that’s true. The Worms got tired of Jacoby Podcast so they gave him back to us for Parker Meng, that’s fun for a lot of Crabs fans. Trinity Smaht is gone now and Lorcan’s really sad but Fran Beans is a fine replacement. And overall uh… Crabs Good. Buckle up ILB, because Baltimore is gearing up for another crack at a Championship. So anyways that’s the Crabs this season. Now leave me alone, I’m doing very important things. Ahh….. Look at them…. So glorious………. Everyday will be a Flat Crab Friday this season. – Gary

4: 🌮 LA Unlimited Tacos [+5]

YOU KNOW THEY SAY ALL PITCHERS ARE CREATED EQUAL. BUT YOU LOOK AT YUMMY ELLIOTT AND YOU LOOK AT MCKINLEY OTTEN AND YOU CAN SEE THAT STATEMENT IS NOT TRUE! SEE NORMALLY IF YOU PLAY AGAINST MCKINLEY OTTEN YOU GOT A SIXTY TWO PERCENT CHANCE OF WINNING! BUT YUMMY ELLIOT IS A FIVE POINT SIX STAR PITCHER AND SHE’S NOT NORMAL! SO YOU GOT A TWENTY ONE PERCENT AT BEST AT BEAT HER! AND THEN YOU ADD HOT FISH SUMMER AND SON JENSEN TO THE MIX, YOU THE CHANCES OF WINNING DRASTIC GO DOWN! SEE THE BLASEBALL GAME AT THE LA TAQUERIA YOU HAD A TWENTY TWO PERCENT CHANCE OF WINNING. BUT MICHELLE SPORTSMAN, SHE GOT A NINETY PERCENT CHANCE OF WINNING CAUSE SHE CAN THROW UNDERHANDED NOW! SO YOU TAKE ELLIOTT’S SEVENTY NINE PERCENT CHANCE PLUS SPORTSMANS’ NINETY PERCENT CHANCE AND KRAVITZ’S SIXTY SEVEN PERCENT CHANCE AND THE TACOS HAVE TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY SEVEN PERCENT CHANCE OF NEVER USING THEIR FAX MACHINE EVER AGAIN. WILD LOW? THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE AND THEY SPELL DISASTER FOR YOU AT THE LA TAQUERIA! 10/10 -CRIT_HLULK

3: 🕵️ Houston Spies [+2]

The Houston Spies came last in Wild Low in Season 19, where being good was bad, all according to The Plan.

Representatives for the Spies confirmed in a statement to BNN that the election also went according to The Plan.

While I agree that a reformed Yeong-Ho Garcia will make Season 20 a Walk in the Park, I can’t see how they can say it went perfectly as if we didn’t see them fumble and drop a Golden Necklace into a storm drain, and then spend several embarrassing minutes trying to reach down and get it while everyone awkwardly looked away.

Regardless the Houston Spies are obvious favourites to lead the ILB going into Season 20 with their All-Star roster. Their blaseball team might be very good, but I don’t know how good Spies they are if we all know how good their team is.

Hang on I’m getting a message. It’s from the Spies.

It just says “It’s all part of The Plan.”

Great. Thanks. That was super clear. Go Spies? -Kidror

2: 🏝 Hawai’i Fridays [+5]

History repeated itself in Season 19, as the Wild Card Fridays were bounced in 3 games, just like Season 9. But with the Sun(Sun) now shining on the league, our esteemed panel of hubris seekers expects them to be a top contender for the ILB (Over)championship. For Real This Time. Probably.

Despite the loss of ILB Legend Valentine Games to the Vault, these Fridays might have improved over what was already one of the league’s best offenses, with half the lineup now having over 6 batting Stars. Don Mitchell, feedbacked from the Lovers last season, is the best leadoff hitter in the league, fresh off a record smashing 199 steal season. Gabriel Griffith returns to Hawai‘i following a Friday Will that once again sent fan favorite Harrell packing, and the perennial pitching powerhouse will pick up a bat for the first time. Six season Boston Flowers veteran Beck Whitney is entering her sixth season as a Friday, and remains one of the league’s top sluggers.

The rotation is a work in progress, minus the progress. The Offseason brought only a minor upgrade, with rookie Yasslyn Statter Jr. replacing the former weakest link, Mordecai Kingbird, via Foreshadow. Juice Collins and Evelton McBlase still put up solid numbers, but long stretches of below-average pitching could be a liability in the playoffs.

“Six of one, half dozen of the other” might not seem like great roster construction, but the Fridays saw a similarly symmetric seven/seven roster climb all the way to the team’s first finals appearance just a few seasons ago. It’s gonna be an even tighter race this time around, with the hyper consistent Mechanics and Crabs sure to make the Mild Playoffs a minefield.

Win squared or unwin squared, the Fridays will look to maintain their commanding lead in the most important stat in all of blaseball: number of birds. -Traci J

1: 🛠Core Mechanics [+2]

Mechanics, you’ve done it. You’ve really got the Engine to start running, the rust on the valves are gone, and the damage from the Descension is fixed. These last few seasons have been extraordinary, and it’s looking like this upcoming season might be another one to add to The Manual. Some people will be confused with this rating, even given the Core’s recent Championship success, because the way the Core Mechanics play isn’t as apparent as, say, the Fridays power hitting.

The Core Mechanics now fully embody the philosophy of small ball Blaseball, strong pitching rotation to allow few runs and, one goal while batting: Get on base. The pitching rotation was improved in Season 19 with a Shadow Fax swapping Allan Kranch with Mindy Kugel. Along with the Mechanics existing strong defence, making scoring runs a nightmare for teams. Meanwhile, in the Season 19 Election, the Mechanics swapped in Agan Harrison for Bees Taswell, only for Agan to be taken by a Shoe Thieves Blessing, the result? The Mechanics shadowed their weakest batter and shortened their batting lineup, now geared towards making contact with the ball.

Finally, the Mechanics have potential brimming out of their ears, they have never used replicas, but a Goodwin Morin Replica on a small batting lineup with this playstyle would be frightening along with any gained Shames and thus Hype throughout the season due to the low scores. Maintenance Mode, while very unreliable, is a constant deadly threat for any team, and the Free Gift will play an important role in Latesiesta giving the Mechanics more options for a playoff run. Get excited Mechanics, because regardless of what happens to us in this upcoming season, I have a feeling that this season is going to be one heck of a show. -CraftedRobot

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