compiled & edited by Luckey Haskins
So, um, we have Unwins.
By the time you read these words, Blaseball fans may know what an Unwin is. Right now? No idea.
- Is an Unwin functionally a Win that has negative eDensity?
- If so, read these Power Rankings as is. More or less.
- Is an Unwin like an Unrun, in that it’s functionally -1 Win?
- If so, flip these Power Rankings upside down.
- Is an Unwin something else that throws standings into chaos?
- If so, toss these Power Rankings into the Flood to sweep them Elsewhere. When they return Scattered, whatever teams are left will excel.
With those caveats in mind, the BNN Contributors have taken on the Herculean task of fighting the Undertow and trying to make sense of this past Election. Here are the results:
24: 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings [-1]
The Mexico City Wild Wings are your #24 ranked team in the BNN Power Rankings. This means that The Mexico City Wild Wings are expected to rank #1 in Season 19 of Internet League Blaseball. This does not mean that the Wild Wings are good, it actually means they are bad. However, it does mean BNN expects them to make it to the Playoffs and hold the most wins at the ends of Season 19. But by all means they are the worst team in the ILB, of this we are sure. But they are technically also the best team in Blaseball because of this…. Look Axel Cardenas is bad, okay. And because of that, the Wings are bad. That’s all we need to say. We’re confused, we’re tired, we’re BNN, and we think the Wild Wings aren’t a good Blaseball team. –Gary
Mexico City has been in a slide since an unfortunate Reverb at end of Season 17, and they seem to be leaning into the slide hard. If Unwins reward teams that don’t win games, the Wild Wings are SET. If not, then we’ll be drinking spicy milk as the Wings host Party Time. If there’s any season where it may be good to be in this position Season 19 is it. –Luckey Haskins
23: 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-8]
Going into the season the Hands were pretty excited for another middling year. We were ready to do some winning, some losing, relax and miss the playoffs by a few games. The sim decided otherwise. Game 3 in the Firehouse we lost OG player and star leadoff hitter Tamara Crankit. She was replaced by future star pitcher Zippy Desheilds. This extended the hole at the top of the lineup to be a machine perfectly tuned to maximize strike outs.
A few games later, we Feedbacked new pitcher Rocha for Riley Firewall. Then several games later after we finally finished our lore for slugger Bauer Zimmerman, he was Incinerated as well. We weren’t even done yet though. Blooddrain hit the defense of Steph Weeks and Dervin in the midseason. Consumers attacked Melon Collins before we managed to clean up the stadium. Then to top it off we only managed to squeeze in 3 parties in 17 games. Election wills resulted in us wimdying away our Star Pitcher to bat for the Magic for some reason.
BUT THE JAZZHANDS WON 3 BLESSINGS! –Malst
22: 🔥 Chicago Firefighters [-2]
If Unwins actually cause the losing teams to get into the Postseason, Chicago apparently did the Party Speedrun a season early. The Firefighters embraced the tank early, after an impressive Earlseason losing streak. It was a strange speedrun — until Caleb Alvarado swallowed a stray peanut, Chicago’s rotation was a model of consistency and Quality Starts. The historically anemic offense, however, meant The Fire House would host the Season 18 Party Time.
More concerning was the slow creep of plot into the Firefighters’ season. The Library revealed that in the Beginning, “Sun 1 was Forged by Namerifeht.” That is, by a reverse of “The Fireman.” THEN the Reader/Diviner/Purple Text turned against the Coin and chose to make Justice Spoon (and Lotus Mango) a Negative. THEN the Firefighters leaned into the hints, giving Alternate Trust to Justice, who is now an UNDERTAKER.
While Chicago made improvements to their offense, it feels like they’re too entangled in plot to predict what they will look like by season’s end. All we can do is square our big shoulders, reaffirm that WAFC, and roll with whatever happens in the Undertow. –Luckey Haskins
21: 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves [-2]
Thieves’ season was spent slowly becoming Sunken Charleston, with the team eDensity near the top of the ILB. The baseball gods also had fun at the Thieves’ expense with a series of unfortunate events: unfavorable star player Reverb swaps, a devastating Peanut allergy to fan favorite Blood Hamburger, and multiple Consumer attacks. But Gunther O’Brian is still having fun, and in the end, that is something.
The election was an unexpected success, winning 3 blessings including a Thieve-lore-friendly “A Blood” type, where the Thieves will now randomly mimic an existing team’s blood type for each game. Equally as important, Thieves are free of ‘Haunted’ blurses, and now can finally look at our blaseball-reference.com team page without breaking our mouse scroll wheel.
On paper, Season 19 could be one of Thieves’ weakest rosters yet, but there are many bright spots on the horizon, and the moves made in the last few seasons may bear fruit in the coming seasons. –TK
20: 🐌 Ohio Worms [-10]
05-17-2008, 01:11 PM
Oh1o: Is it safe to go for a win every other season? We only have limited ways we can improve our team, and latley instead of doing rotation or lineup we just do full team tank. We are trying to win as much as we can without getting mediocre.
05-17-2008, 01:14 PM
all mxco: Most beginner – intermediate Blaseball strategies are full tank seasons, 1x per threeason so I think it’s safe to assume they’re “safe”. The season ahead is weird though. We don’t know if it will be viable.
05-17-2008, 01:16 PM
Oh1o: If we do it every other season we will be at tanking 1-2 times per season, is that losing too much? We typically tank with 1/2 Wills, we push our selves and hurt our performance with one more each week. We shadowed our best pitcher this time. Stew roamed to us too. And with how competitive Mild Low is, we should be good to go.
05-17-2008, 01:55 PM
1-2-b3-4-2-b7-1: >If we do it every other season we will be at tanking 1-2 times per season, is that losing too much? That makes no sense. There are only 3 seasons in a threeason. If you tank every other season that is 1.5 times a season.
05-17-2008, 01:58 PM
TheLift: First season, don’t tank second, tank third. That is 2 tank seasons. How do you tank 1.5 times? Do a half tank season or something? lol
05-17-2008, 02:19 PM
UrKicks?OurKicks: 1x in 3 seasons = 1 time a season, genius. And yeah, 1x a threeason, full team tanking is good.
05-17-2008, 02:23 PM
TheLift: I never said anything about tanking exactly 1 time, like I said, if you tank other season, that is 2 TIMES A THREEASON. How hard is that to comprehend?
Threeason 1 – 1st season, 3rd season
Threeason 2 – 1st season, 3rd season
4 TANK SEASONS IN 2 THREEASONS In your terms, 4x in 2 threeasons= 2 times a threeason, genius. All Bloods and No Brains? lol –dargo
19: 🎸 Seattle Garages [+5]
Seattle comes into Season 19 in an interesting position. The nature of their roster and the Fax Machine in their Ballpark has evened out a Rotation that was inconsistent and prone to streaky performance. They gained the seasonal Shame Donor mod, which will cause an opponent Shamed by the Garages to carry Unruns into their next game. In a division that’s home to the Pies, Mechanics, and Steaks, this mod could cause some minor havoc down the stretch of the Lateseason.
In addition, Seattle boasts two Negative players, which may mean that the team could become woven into plot. In a season where we don’t know what the Purple Text has in store for teams, the Garages are seem primed for something to happen around them, to them, or for them. –Luckey Haskins
18: 🏋️♂️ Tokyo Lift [+4]
Back in the first threeason of the Expansion Era, the Lift made the Wild Card round twice, including a run that saw them come within one Win of making the WLCS. It was thought this might be the beginning of a window of postseason opportunity for the Lift. It never came to be, and yet the Lift remain in the weird space of being one of the better teams in a weak division.
Tokyo has no real weaknesses, per se. Solid hitting, good speed, 4-star pitching, and the best defense in the Wild League. They even have some Big Names on the roster. But the Lift no longer have the consistency (in either Lineup or Rotation) that helped them overachieve in those unexpected playoff appearances. For the moment, they can still expect to be in the top half of the Wild High, but unless Unwins benefit them, the Lift should see another season of gains from Party Time. –Luckey Haskins
17: 📱 New York Millennials [+4]
Now That’s What I Call An Election! The Mills finally win some blessings, tossing caps into the shadows and multiple Tenacity Patches going to Chorby Soul IV, who promptly turned to dust. (RID, Rest in Dust, Fourby)
On the back of a Life Of The Party gift, the Mills (lead by Castillo Turner and Thomas Dracaena) partied like it was 999. The Mills’ rotation is primed to be best in the ILB, with average pitching of 5.62 and Castillo Turner sporting a monstrous 8.6 stars. The Mills hopefully will be able to thrive in an era of powerful pitching, although with the tables turned, who knows if that’s a good thing any more?
We did lose beloved normal human Andrew Solis to the Ohio Worms in favor of Kichiro Guerra, formerly of the San Francisco Lovers. We’ll miss that trademark Solis offense but don’t mind the addition of Kichiro’s defense. Hope you enjoy your time in Ohio, Andrew – teach them how to do a kickflip.
The talk of the town, other than the giant cactus rampaging through Manhattan, is Anathema Elemefayo. The strikeout streamer of season 17 enjoyed an early Hotel Motel party which improve their plate discipline,to the tune of 150 less strikeouts. Come election time, Alternate Trusted Ana shuffled stats to that of a passable pitcher, but remains on the lineup.
Ana also became a Negative, bringing some plot relevancy back to Battin’ Island. The Mills are unpredictable as ever for Season 19, but we’ll probably all be shouting “damn, lmfao” at the end of it. –Andrew Playmer & Clip Clipperson
16: 💋 San Francisco Lovers [-3]
After a depressingly average season topped with two unfortunate Feedback swaps, the Lovers go into the Election… and get functionally nothing. This is the same team that we saw last season, and though they could be expected to have marginally better vibes, their performance will continue to sag. Which in the case of this coming season, is a good thing. The San Francisco Lovers may finally end their drought of deep postseason runs that many remember from the Discipline Era, though certainly not in the way people expected them to. –Jade Townsend
15: ⚪ Canada Moist Talkers [+2]
Richmond Harrison World Tour is back on!
After a season of party after a thorough pile driving by Philly Pies’ Pitcher Elvis Figueroa, the Moist Talkers made are looking a bit meaner than they were a season ago. However, their rotation still leaves a lot of power to be desired and the lineup is still struggling to produce runs, even with 5-star addition Randy Dennis. Moist Talkers are still not ready to contend in the absolutely stacked Mild League.
Moist Talkers are in a tough spot, but are likely to keep getting leaner and meaner as they improve, and Slow Build is gonna be the name of the game. Watch this team, the two-time champs know how to bounce back and clutch out a victory. –Erin Stille
EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN TONGUE SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. ITS CHRONICLES OF VAPOR AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, COMMISSIONER VAPOR. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN A HOME RUN OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE ILB’S MOST HOMOSEXUAL JAIL IN SEASONS 15 16. I CAN. THE MOIST TALKERS CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY TEAM THE SASKATCHEWAN SAMBUCAS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN LITTLE LEAGUE TEAMS CAN STILL BE SUB 1 THWACK TOWNSENDS. THEY GO “OH THE TALKERS HAVE NO BATTING AND OUR ROTATION IS BELOW AVERAGE AND FLOODING IS GOING DOWN AND WE LOST RICHMOND”. I TELL THEM WELL, COMMISSIONER VAPOR DID NOT HIT MORE THAN 40 HOMERUNS IN SEASONS 15 16 AS CHRONICLED IN MY VHS FOR YOU TO THINK WE NEED ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT. IVE LEARNED ALL THE LINES FROM THE MOVIE AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT MOISTER BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNING. THEN I HUG MY RICHMOND HARRISON BODY PILLOW AND CRY. –dargo
14: ✨ Yellowstone Magic [-6]
In our last Session, The Yellowstone Adventuring Company traveled forward towards Castle Pos’tsesso’n, with Logan, the Druid, taking point much to the table’s confusion. Sexton, newest addition to the group, complained loudly about letting Logan lead but Fate, their Cruel Dungeon Mistress, made it obvious she wasn’t taking criticisms over her favoritism. Two “sudden Consumer Attacks” (read: DM fiat) shut THAT Centaur Paladin up, and while the attacks hampered progress, the Company soldiered on. (Un?)fortunately, an eleventh hour rally for rival groups, the Crabbes of Bal’ti-mo’ré, and The Dallas Stakes (they hunt Vampires) saw far more competition than was expected. Magic ended up limping their way to their destination, just in time to see Castle Pos’tsesso’n closing its gates. The DM declared that the Campaign was a bust.
“We’ll get it next time,” said James.
“Yeah, maybe not with me. I got a show in Breckenridge, I gotta jet,” said Logan.
“This Group Sucks,” Sexton exclaimed, “I’m going home.”
Look, I don’t know- What do you want me to say? “Evelton and Wyatt bring Magic to 1st seed”? “Party time speedrun?” I’ve discovered it’s foolish to count Magic out of anything. Like a raving lunatic drinking ditchwater and claiming they can hear God, Yellowstone can still show off a miracle or three. But in the end, we’re still drinking ditchwater. Glug. –Nate
13: 🥩 Dallas Steaks [-8]
The Steaks returned to their Medium ways in Season 18 — winning 52 games and missing the playoffs on Day 99, losing any chance to Party. Great Hitter Zephyr McCloud was Reverb’d into the pitching rotation and they’re not a Great Pitcher (fortunately, Forrest Best is a Great Hitter). And the Lovers and Steaks both had a shock when Beloved Captain Conner Haley was Feedback-swapped for Beloved Captain Knight Triumphant. Longtime fans on both teams were crushed — though the teams did stay the same in both rough hitting power and Big Dad Energy.
The Election brought more confusion, as a last-minute vote dump by a well-meaning fan exchanged Cory Ross (an OG Steak and defensive expert, but mediocre batter) for Engine Eberhardt from the Lift, whose ability to hit triples should pair nicely with the Steaks AAA Blood. Finally, Patel Beyonce gets a chance to rest in the Shadows after struggling for many seasons after parachuting from the Shelled One’s Pods in Season 10, which should improve the Steaks overall hitting slightly.
With no idea whether winning is good or bad in Season 19, I can still confidently predict: Steaks Medium. –Mark Haines
12: 🔱 Atlantis Georgias [-5]
To many, the Georgias seemed to have had a middling season. An almost perfectly even record, combined with solidly underperforming expectations paints them in a bad light; however, the Georgias have done better than ever before. A consistent lineup, the monster of a pitcher that is Pitching Machine, and the fortunate loss of Knight Triumphant managed to get the Georgias their first ever winning record, ending at a whopping 51 – 49. Their election went exactly as planned, though other events will lead to some troubling expectations. They managed to nab both the Exquisite Meal and Graphene blessings, meaning that their Fortifications weigh 5% the amount they usually would, giving them a clear path forward. Some fans are worried about the potential fate of Wyatt Mason IV, but due to them being a somewhat forgettable player who only recently joined the team, most aren’t too concerned about it. Aside from these future concerns, the Georgias didn’t dramatically change one way or another, and are looking to have another middling season by most regards. However, many fans are optimistic that they can break yet another personal record going into Season 19. –Sydney
11: 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams [-2]
There was once a completely coherent Breath Mints blurb that extolled the virtues of Nyquil Chicken and described the term “Gay Baby Jail”. But Mild Low doesn’t have a monopoly on existential crises, and I’m here to announce that henceforth, Wild Low will be known as Enby Baby Jail (I mean, just look at those purples and yellows).
Similarly, if the Kansas City Breath Mints are Nyquil Chicken, It only stands to reason that the Hellmouth Sunbeams are Dayquil Chicken. The bright, sunny, still eldritch counterpart and constant food crime in Wild Low.
After executing all their wills and getting 4 blessings in Season 17, the Sunbeams went on to shock the ILB by coming in Dead Last in Wild Low. And yet, were the Sunbeams even that bad? Their record beat almost everyone in Wild High, and almost half of the Mild division, and as the Wild Card beat the Spies and taxed the Flowers. No, It’s just that Wild Low is a nightmare cage match, and the Sunbeams played only 42 home games and had to face the Flowers, Spies, and Tacos a combined 48 times. Wild Low lives and dies by its schedule, and the Sunbeams died.
There were bright spots though. Some key parties for Paula Reddick and Nagomi Nava and yet another party for Jayden Wright pushed the Sunbeams closer to statistical superiority, and though they lost beloved blob Dudley Mueller, the very Capri Sun at the heart of Capri Sunset, they forge forward with Quack Enjoyable as the eventual replacement.
Who will win Wild Low this season? Is winning even winning? Well, I’m here to tell you that I don’t know. But, as always, the Sunbeams are gonna put on a show. –Panda
10: 🌹 Boston Flowers [+4]
Following a successful election the Boston Flowers soared to brand new heights, fighting to the top of the Wild League and losing the Championship in a close Game 5 against the Core Mechanics. This was the Boston Flowers first ever time in the ILB Championship and easily their best season they’ve ever had, propelled forward by the Late to the Party modifier and Nagomi “Nagrowmi” McDaniel II. The election saw the loss of veteran Jacob Haynes and rookie Allan Kranch for Hierophantic Foible and Jaylen Hotdogfingers, and a Roamin’ NaN join the lineup. NaN is going to be a big part of how this season goes, Boston will be hoping for either an early Feedback or for NaN to face down Wyatt Mason IV or X and join Wyatt Quitter in the Great Static in the Sky. These days the real power of Boston is in their All-Star pitching: Cory Twelve walked just ONE player in the entirety of Season 18 and THAT only happened in the Postseason after they’d been attacked by a Consumer, Chorby Short pitched a Perfect Game, and Gloria Bugsnax and Brock Forbes are always reliable. The Unbeleafable Season may have ended but they’ve seen the world outside of Nonbinary Baby Jail, and Boston is ready for a jail break. –Kidror
9: 🌮 LA Unlimited Tacos [-7]
The Tacos, unfortunately, continue to slide down slowly. Season 18 was the first season since Peanut Bong had been shadowed in which the Tacos did not make the playoffs, after a string of bad luck that included Yummy Elliott being faxed out for McKinley Otten early in the season, and neither Michelle Sportsman, nor Otten, were able to give up 10 runs to get Elliott back in. On top of that on Day 97, Otten was tragically the target of a Consumer, losing about 5 total stars. All is not lost however. With the coming season, Otten is more likely to fax out for Elliott, and Sportsman’s inconsistent performance could easily lead to the faxing out of… a player named McB*** Clembons? Weird.
Anyway the Tacos offense is about as good as ever, with Felix Garbage getting unshelled mid way through the last season, and the team having the third highest OPS in the league behind the Pies and Tigers. Having Sexton back in return for Bevan Wise is also a great relief for both the Tacos and the Magic, as both players play better at home. As always with Wild Low, it’s really anybody’s game, and these Tacos could go all the way, or they could miss the playoffs by two wins again, it’s anyone’s guess, especially as the Turntables turn the game upside down. –Theremin
8: 🦀 Baltimore Crabs [+10]
The Crabs had a weird season. Like they went to the playoffs, which was wild (actually mild). Jon Halifax got Jon HaliFAXed and everyone rejoiced. They nearly beat The Pies in the Playoffs who didn’t beat our record, and then watched as Nerd Pacheco went through unbearable pain and then just let the Pies beat us because that was really sad. But overall for the Crabs, a good season, a fun playoffs, and hope abound for the future.
In the election… nothing happened to the Crabs. This is weird. We are used to getting our plans ruined through Chorby Soul or wimdying a trade that doesn’t involve us whatsoever while also getting MoCo as a batter. Or getting fan favorite Brock “Our Rock” Forbes taken from us as well as Silvaire Roadhouse as they leave Baltimore for Boston. The last few election cycles for Crabs fans have been hectic.
And now it’s calm. And now we’re good. Very good. Our lineup has no holes…. Our pitching is solid if not returned to levels that we had in Season 13, where we won the ILB Championships…. THE CRABS ARE BACK BABY! WOOOOO!!!! EAT THAT MOIST TALKERS! WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU TIGERS! PHILLY PIES? MORE LIKE PHILLY CRIES! OTHER TEAMS, YOU SUCK TOO! THE CRABS ARE BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER! WE’RE GONNA WIN A FIFTH CHAMPIONSHIP! CRABS GOOD!
…wait what do you mean winning is bad? –Gary
7: 🌴 Hawai’i Fridays [-4]
“Win’t or won’t, we vibe,” a common Friday Fan motto extolling the virtues of the vibes up regardless of win-loss record, will have to be rephrased this season after the passing of trust fall, but the sentiment still holds. Unwin’t or non-won’t, the Fridays will never unvibe.
The team continues to have one of the best offenses in the league, powered by sluggers extraordinaire Valentine Games and Beck Whitney. The foreshadow swap of sleepy strikeout fiend Sutton Dreamy for fan favorite shakespearian tragedy Alyssa Harrell will help patch the only real hole in the lineup. Harrell, a zero-soul Attractor, even picked up the Fridays’ second straight skateboard blessing to help fend off Consumers and rack up sick combos on the Cookout’s grind rail.
The Fridays are the reigning Mild Low champs, but will have a rough time defending the belt against the rising Breath Mints. The Fridays rotation is unchanged and uneven, while the Mints rotation is all killer, no filler. The Fridays’ secret admirers, the Crabs (just check the gift shop numbers!) will also continue to nip at their heels in the standings after a successful election. Expect the Fridays to compete for a postseason birth, but if the currently Ego++++ Val Games gets vaulted, a deep playoff run appears unlikely for these vibe checkers. –Traci J
6: 🚤 Miami Dale [+5]
DALE, party people, I’m going to serve up a red hot spicy take. Season 18 could have been better for the Miami Dale. Where were the Parties during Holiday Innings, and where were the Holiday Innings? The Dale also became double the Life of the Party, but then never got a chance to party. Ignore the fact that in Season 18, the Dale had their best win-loss record ever, and ranked third in the ILB. Beloved player, Riley Firewall, was Feedbacked to the Jazz Hands for Howell Rocha early in the Season, but did Riley get to Party in their new team, nope. Where were the parties?
Season 19 sees a strong Dale Rotation combined with an improved Lineup. Rivers Clembons is back off the Rotation and back into the Lineup, where they play best. Randy Dennis was exchanged for Richmond Harrison during the Election, and Richmond brought improved stats due to their parties.
With Hotel Motel becoming Ratified, I think the Dale have a good chance at getting to Party and maybe add some bungles while at it. I couldn’t begin to tell you how Turntables will affect Blaseball, but I know many good parties have Turntables, which is rad. I see stlatisticians trying to figure out what Turntables do, but to me it’s simple, they make rad music for parties.
The Dale have a good chance to return to the Playoffs and the team has improved since Season 18. Parties would be rad though. DALE –Kina McCloud
5: 🕵️♂️ Houston Spies [-1]
The Houston Spies’ Pretty FUNKY Season
A BNN Correspondent has intercepted a coded Spies transmission from Houston, and has filled in the black spaces in an attempt to decipher it.
One Day the LUCKY Houston Spies made a hard push to get into the CANNON. Unfortunately the Hellmouth Sunbeams FAIRLY stopped them from making it far. That’s OK. Comfort Septemberish is free from her BUCKET and now, with Alexandria Rosales SWEEPING with Undefined, their SMOKE finally sorted by Divinity, and with Division Leaders the ERRATIC Boston Flowers taken down a CAR, it looks like Spies have a clear shot at being the Top SWAN around Wild Low!
Just ignore the FRETFUL Jasper Blather hanging on at the tail end of the Lineup. If the last Internet Blaseball WIN proved anything, it’s that pitching is NUMBER, and the Spies are looking INEXPLICABLE. SPIES UNWIN! –Nate
4: 🐅 Hades Tigers [+2]
Except for the Core Mechanics’ fantastic run, this was a somewhat quiet season for teams from imaginary places like the many cities of Los Angeli, Atlantis, the Hellmouth, and Canada. The Hades Tigers were no exception: they merely committed bank robbery, came out of it with an Aldon clone, won a few items at the Fairgrounds, made semis, infused Mummy Melcon, and Evolved a bit. The usual. Nothing too exciting. Unfortunately, this means the team hasn’t directly improved much from where it was last season. Fortunately, literally every other team in their division is bringing, thanks to the sim’s frankly ghoulish hate for good batters in Wild High, a spoon to a gun fight. Yeah, Aldon did turn into a gowd-pwated Desewt Eagwe: just, vis old team is wielding it for a while still. But once this clone of possibly the greatest batter in Blaseball history fades away, what of the Tigers? Simply treading water might get them to the playoffs, but isn’t enough if they wanna win. –dargo
3: 🛠 Core Mechanics [+9]
“Your Season 18 champions are the Core Mechanics!”
That is a sentence that invokes the most profound emotional joy within any Mechanics fan. Seeing our team clinch the title has been the highlight of my seven seasons of Blaseball, and it is an honor to report on this team for BNN.
The Core has managed to strengthen in several ways on Day 58 of Season 18. Foxy Pebble, a favorite of the Mechs, was Feedbacked with Cannonball Sports from the Lovers, who, along with Christian Combs, became a lethal batting combination for the Mechs in the playoffs. Kelvin Andante, defied all expectations constantly conceding nine-run games and even a loop in black hole weather to deny the Mechs a Shadow Fax until Day 84 of the season. This Shadow Fax allowed Jolene Willowtree to enter the lineup, dramatically raising the Mechs pitching and defense for the playoffs.
The Mechanics election puts the Mechanics in an odd place, Jaylen Hotdogfingers has gone to the Flowers after a wimdy Equivalent Exchange with Allan Kranch in return. Firefighters batter Agan Harrison has now roamed into our Shadows Lineup, presenting a solid batting choice after a Reform will. Mindy Kugel now resides in the Shadow Lineup as an amazing replacement pitcher in the event of a Shadow Fax. After Kelvin Andante’s Fax Evasion performance, capturing the hearts of a contingent of fans, they voted to Alternative Trust Kelvin to make them a viable future option for will investment.
Going into Season 19, the Pies and Steaks pose a powerful challenge to another Mechanics postseason if a regular season resumes. However, if the tables have turned, the Season 17 PartyTime speedrun provides them with the recent experience and a blueprint to become competitive quickly. Regardless, the Core has shown that whether the future is down or updown for the ILB, they have what it takes to, once again, win Championships in Internet Blaseball. –CraftedRobot
2: 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints [+14]
Back in the olden days, before Blaseball was anywhere near as big as it was now, there was simply one Breath Mints fan posting in our channel on Discord. His name was Joel, a clark, and his fourth message was a prophecy: “We really gotta get rid of the PolkaDots”. This prophecy has finally come to pass, with PolkaDot Patterson a Mint no more and PolkaDot Zavala faxed away into the Shadows. And it appears Joel was right: now that the Mints lack PolkaDots, our pitching strength is through the roof, with a three pitcher rotation consisting of two 5-star pitchers alongside Winnie Hess, an extremely large horse who possesses 7.6 stars of pitching prowess. On the batting side, despite the loss of Season 1 Mint and beloved union rep Hewitt Best, the Mints are no slouches either, with even our seemingly-terrible batter Trinity Roche expected to outperform its singular batting star (a glance at advanced stats will explain why).
Any regular season, this would be enough to catapult us out of gay baby jail and into the playoffs. But with trust fall making NyQuil chicken out of the league as a whole, time will only tell what will happen. For now, though, the Breath Mints are curiously strong – watch out for this team going forward. –Finn
1: 🥧 Philly Pies [–]
The Pies pitchers threw 8,908 pitches last season. Only 2,185 of those were even put in play by batters. They had Perfect Games, they had Immaculate Innings, they had dominant performances. But it’s going to be the two foul balls, and the solo HR to a hitter with a .218 Batting Average that’s gonna haunt them any more than any Hall of Flame member ever could. Many, many stories will be told about the sad story of Nerd Pachecho; it’s not our place to re-hash it here. But even with Nerd moved to the Shadows, and a double team blessing that essentially worked as a Beasley Day Superman’s Cape item, it’s gonna be tough for them to escape the demons of Season 18. Will a season of turned tables help or hinder the Upper Crust? –Ifhbiff
If you’re looking back sometime after Day 1 of Season 19, please marvel at how little we knew at this time. Oh, poor BNN, they had no idea what they were in for. If you need to know, “Where is BNN,” we are probably staring at a wall. Please approach us carefully; one never knows what terrible algorithms a Contributor used to arrive at these results, and what breaches they may have caused by using them to estimate teams.
Welcome to the Inexplicable. Rejoice. Play Ball.