compiled & edited by Luckey Haskins
It’s almost time to wake up! The Off Season has seen us all scatter Elsewhere, but now Blaseball pulls us all back together, Attracting us to the Immaterial Plane. Some of us are missing Soul while our star counts seem artificially inflated. Some of us have ascended to Legendary status, getting Vaulted and living only in our memory.
Who knows what strange events will transpire this season, as the Shadows lengthen & Consumers circle the Immaterial Plane? We at BNN now attempt to make ill-advised prognostications, courtesy of our contributors and their robust discussions in the BNN Discord. To the Rankings!
24: 🎸 Seattle Garages [-1]
Someone set Cannons up, they’ll show you where Elsewhere is
The stars are always higher, where souls are missing
Well, I’m feeling that I’m Lenny, even with Arturo
But I don’t feel any denser, still feel like I’m sinking
(So now you know) Who gets consumified
(So now you know) Who gets consumified
Show me the Friendo, child, I’d like to say
That I’m down in the ranks today
It gives me bonus Free Wills, gives me a way
‘Til I’m up in the standings again
I’m feeling, I’m feeling Observed
Observed, Observed, Observed
23: 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings [-12]
Poor Mexico City. A team that was for so long a perennial postseason contender on the strength of a flamethrowing rotation has seen their advantage in the pitching department gradually be reduced by the rest of the league, to the point where most teams have at least one ace of their own. Meanwhile in the lineup, the Wild Wings offense has sadly not only stagnated, but has even regressed, with Summers Preston now plying their trade in Miami. This means the best batter in the lineup by star count, when items are taken into account, is now… Burke Gonzales? Some Lateseason Reverb has left Mexico City at sixes and sevens, and with more glaring problems to patch up, arguably the standout pitcher of the Expansion Era will have to spend at least one more season at the plate and not on the mound.
Season 18 seems rough for Mexico City, even in a Wild High that perhaps lacks the powerhouse teams that other divisions can boast, and the omens seem bleak for the threeson unless things chance drastically south of the border. The bright side? Things can change very rapidly on the immaterial plane — just ask the season 17 Wild Wings. –Blenjamin Rees
22: 🏋️♂️ Tokyo Lift [-6]
Another election, another slew of teams outstripping the Lift’s growth. I’ll be honest, swolemates — our newly-decent rotation is now taking a backseat to a subpar lineup. A newly transfused Cudi might enable a miracle Wild Card run, but the powerhitting duo of Yusef and Gerund is followed by deadad spot in Nandy, Elwin, and Rylan. A few lucky Holiday Innings could boost your ranking, but for now, your sets aren’t enough. –Spotter Pandora
21: 📱 New York Millennials [–]
What’s up gamers, the NYMI are about to pog out of their minds. After grinding parties in S16 and 17, their pitching is truly godlike and can deal extremely respectable DPS (Damn good PitcheS) per second. The batting, however, is a bit more DansGame: while it’s poised to deliver a plethora of OMEGALULs due to strikeouts record holder Anathema Elemefayo and the generally inconsistent back half of the lineup, we can all be WidepeepoHappy that Tommy “BelaLugosi1428” Drac has partied enough to, hopefully, carry the team and live up to their esports legend fame. If red hot tub streamer Sandie Turner can even just approach her S14/15 performances and RNGesus blesses their schedule, the team could easily sneak into playoffs. But it’s an uphill climb: Mild High is full of tryhards and powergamers, with the Pies abusing shells like SM64 speedrunners, the Mechs cheesing Transfuses and the Steaks having Conner Haley. Truly an exciting season ahead for the Mills: only time will tell whether the #millsnation will BibleThump or PogChamp when all is said and done. For now, like and subscribe and leave a comment if you enjoyed this blurb and wanna see more like it. Also, do you have jamazon prime? –dargo
20: 🔥 Chicago Firefighters [-17]
The Firefighters seemed like they were going into the Off Season on a positive note. They were the only team to win a playoff game against the champion Tacos. They Foreshadowed the hole in their Rotation and gave their Lineup a Sparrow-sized Transfusion. Chicago rolled an Alternate Shadows, improving their prospect pool, and renewing Lance Serotonin in the process. Everything is looking up for—
I’m sorry, what happened to Goobie Ballson? Exchanged for Plums? Can the Plums hit? Oh. Well, that mucks up the top of the Lineup, doesn’t it? And they pulled in a Roamin’ McBlase? That’s sub-optimal. The rest of the Wild League took steps forward, too, while Chicago treaded immateria? No wonder the contributor ranks were all over the place. The Firefighters have the star power to cause fits for other teams and win a Wild Card round, but also the inconsistency to sink them in the standings. Unless Season 18’s shenanigans smile upon The Fire House, though, Chicago may become mired in that frustrating liminal space just outside Free Wills or extensive Party Time. –Luckey Haskins
19: 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves [-2]
Different ranking, similar story: The Shoe Thieves missed the the last postseason by only a handful of Wins. They made their roster more consistent in the Election, by Transfusing Cornelius Games’ pitching and replacing Velasquez Alstott’s Haunted mod (with Homebody, which is only slightly more consistent). They also got a couple custom Crate Drops, which is at least kinda cool. Unfortunately, they also gained Alejandro Leaf, and still have an oversized and unbalanced team.
Ever since Charleston returned from the Grand Siesta, they’ve been the team that repeatedly comes up one Run or one Out, juuuust short of putting together a winning season. They’ve only qualified for the Postseason via Wild Card, BUT— whenever they do, they wreak havoc in the Mild League playoffs. Season 18 looks like it will continue along this path, but Charleston is always a dark horse to steal some playoff series wins… if they can get there. –Luckey Haskins
18: 🦀 Baltimore Crabs [+4]
The Baltimore Crabs last season had a chaotic Season 17. Lorcan Smaht is Partying! Chorby Soul essentially incinerating Luis Acevedo and sending Silvaire Roadhouse and her wonderful Home Guns to the Boston Flowers, and giving the Crabs two new players in the beloved-by-fans Trinity Smaht, and the not-so-much Jon Halifax. Lorcan Smaht is Partying! In the election, the world’s weirdest trade occurred, making the Georgias, Crabs, and Tacos all worse, with the Crabs in this case getting worse by losing Fish Summer and bringing back former Crab Montgomery Bullock. Lorcan Smaht is Partying!
One definite bright spot in this election is Enid Marlow being brought up to the main roster finally after becoming a Crab and sent to the shadows in Season 14, due to the York Silk necromancy. This is replacing the weak batter Parker Meng, who with the addition of the Fax Machine to The Crabitat, will likely make their way onto the Crabs rotation by the end of Season 18. Lorcan Smaht is Partying! However, the Crabs were unable to fix Kennedy Loser’s Haunted issues after another attempt in these elections, and their prospective best batter will not make the impact that he could for Baltimore. Lorcan Smaht is Partying! Overall, it just looks like the Crabs have not done enough to make a splash in Season 18 with all the great teams that have seemingly passed them up. Crabs Bad! –Gary
17: ⚪ Canada Moist Talkers [-8]
In their 17th season, the Moist Talkers missed postseason by three Wins, and in the Election added Firefighter and proud Chicagoan Goobie Ballson to their rotation. Overall, Canada with their newfound Fax Machine, are enjoying a level of consistency in their pitching they haven’t seen in a bit.
However, in a league that is improving by leaps and bounds, small improvements (and a few new necklaces) aren’t enough to keep up with a new wave of Mild High powerhouses. Looking towards the lineup the former champions just don’t have the offense to be the dominant force they were only a couple seasons ago. Talker fans should hope for a quick season with lots of Party Time, because this lineup may talk spit, but they just aren’t getting hits like they used to. –Erin Stille
16: 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints [-8]
The Breath Mints’ Season 17 seemed like it would be a good one. Despite the unexpected addition of Sandie Carver to the pitching rotation in the Season 16 elections, we had secured both the Wills we wanted. We were hoping for a decent season with perhaps a postseason birth, but weren’t expecting to stand up to the might of teams like the Steaks and the Pies.
Then came a string of bad luck. First, newly transfused hitter Rodriguez Internet was shelled by Pitching Machine. Then aforementioned newcomer Sandie Carver feedbacked to the Millennials in return for Fynn Doyle, a notoriously poor pitcher. The Pies’ Tiana Takahashi then demonstrated the power of her Parasitic Jersey against the team, PolkaDot Zavala had an allergic reaction, and fan-favorite Leach Ingram was sent elsewhere by Salmon Cannons. While both Ingram and Internet would both return to the team on day 49, it was clear that we were no longer hoping for playoffs. A quiet season would suit us just fine from here, and that is exactly what we got.
In a bizarre echo of Season 16’s elections, last season we had both our Wills fire off – sending Marquez Clark and Fynn Doyle to the Shadows – and accidentally gained a player from a Blessing, Hierophantic Foible. With a pitching rotation struggling after Zavala’s peanut and Mooney Doctor II’s recent dip in performance, I’m expecting a classic Breath Mints season – not good enough for playoffs, not bad enough for Parties. Hopefully we can take this season to focus on long-term improvement, and come into Season 19 ready to push for the playoffs again. –Finn
15: 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands [+4]
Breckenridge had a surprisingly decent Season 17, going over .500 for the first time since their shock Season 12 playoffs berth. Unfortunately, they were still 5 games from playoffs. It isn’t entirely clear how they managed to perform this well, but rumours persist of a mysterious 9th batter who suddenly started performing to match their stars. However, there is no evidence of this and it is still widely believed that there is no 9th batter on the team. Other positive notes from the season are that August Sky and Wyatt Pothos had good seasons on the mound without being groundbreaking, and Baby Doyle is now expected to remain safe from their cursed amulet/choking hazard thanks to their new MVP status.
New in Season 18 for the Jands will be a Hotel Motel. Apparently, the party animals on the team were so appalled by the lack of partying in Season 17 that they funded the renovations themselves. Also new will be the Scrambled lead-off hitter, Liquid Friend. We don’t know what Scrambled will do, but Liquid is expected to be an improvement over previous lead-off hitter, Elijah Valenzuela, who takes Liquid’s old spot in The Pit. Mikan Hammer has also possibly-temporarily retired from a disappointing pitching career to take over the team’s new Smithy.
Overall, Breck are expected to continue their perpetual mediocrity after a 9th consecutive season of not gaining any real Blessings. The Election changes should only lead to mild improvement, which most other teams are also experiencing. The pitching will continue to be a bright spot, but their batting order remains incredibly unoptimised and players are regularly left on base at the end of innings. That is expected to continue in Season 18. –Klifford Stoot
14: 🌹 Boston Flowers [-1]
To discuss the Boston Flowers I need to explain what I’m sure is a common experience.
You get into a new sport or game along with all of your friends (the Wild Low Subdivision), and it turns out you’re really good at it! So you decide to venture out into the wider world and play against strangers confident you’ll do well. Only for you to experience loss after loss because it turns out everyone else outside your bubble is much better than your group of friends, and you were a big flower in a small garden bed.
The Boston Flowers are just like that… if you invert the situation entirely.
Boston is a great team, but you wouldn’t think it looking at their results, Boston haven’t finished 2nd or above in their division since Season 9! Season 17 saw them trim down their rotation into a consistently powerful squad, and then they swapped out their worst batter for their captain and second best batter, Margarito Nava. It’s a huge improvement, but they’re still lagging behind the rest of their division. Anywhere else and they’d be a clear contender for the postseason but not in Wild Low.
You certainly shouldn’t count out Boston from making the postseason or even winning the Season, but don’t be surprised if they crush opponents from outside of Wild Low only to fall short against their own division enough to see them miss the postseason once more.
In the end the Boston Flowers are a Lotus among a field of Rafflesia Arnoldii, they’re impressive but you hardly notice them amongst their wondrous neighbors. –Kidror
13: 💋 San Francisco Lovers [+7]
Clearly, the thing that the Lovers love most is to confuse the rest of the ILB. Through the acquisition of Knight Triumphant and the Moving of Cannonball Sports to the lineup, the Lovers offense is in the best shape it’s been in team history. The team also goes into Season 18 wearing the crown of the best defense league-wide and are the runner-ups in the baserunning department; despite all these advantages their pitching looks as if it is abysmal. One should not judge a book by its cover, though, as Helga Burton and Karato Bean have a history of heavy overperformance, and Shadows acquisition Silvia Winner is expected to do the same. All in all, though, whether the Lovers tank hard or go on their fated quest for BNN, this coming season is bound to be an interesting one for San Francisco. –Jade Townsend
12: 🛠 Core Mechanics [+3]
The Core Mechanics these last two seasons have reenacted a blaseball retelling of Icarus. If season 16 showed that our stellar pitching rotation made us a playoff team, Season 17 saw us fall spectacularly to the bottom of the league.
This came about due to the Season 16 election in which Zoey Kirchner, star pitcher for the Mechanics, was wimdy traded for a severely weakened alternative trusted PolkaDot Patterson. A Day 2 reverb saw batter Bottles Suljak trade places with excellent pitcher Mindy Kugel and a Party Time speedrun was inevitable for the small pitching rotation of the Core.
So naturally, we’ve surely had to have gone down like the Core in the Blaseball Rankings. I mean, we came last; how could we no— I am being told we’ve actually gone undown from the Season 17 BNN rankings and look ready to be playoff hopefuls… something about a Fax Machine and batting improvements? Party Time and targeted transfuse wills on batters have now turned the Core Mechanics batting lineup which has long been below average in the league, into a solid lineup on par with most teams in the league.
The pitching rotation looks strong with Shirai McElroy and Jaylen Hotdogfingers, who is now cured of their Flickering after an election reroll. If Kelvin Andante is quickly sent to the Fax Machine and replaced with one of the Core’s competent pitchers, then this lineup will once again be something to be feared by other teams. Will the Core make an unlikely comeback from last season to play in the playoffs for a third time? Who knows, but with the Core being down, we can only go up from here. –CraftedRobot
11: 🚤 Miami Dale [-6]
Let’s be real, during Season 17 the Miami Dale played hard and partied harder in an extremely competitive Wild Low. Season 18 sees Dale switching up the track and laying some fresh new beats.
Qais Dogwalker became a batter during some remixing reverb in late Season 17. Qais finished strong last Season as a batter, but it remains to be seen if they will rock at bat. Riley Firewall and Rivers Clembons are now in the pitching rotation. Don’t judge this track too early, Firewall has some good potential as a pitcher, and with a couple tweaks they will be heating up. Rivers Clembons is better at bat any day, but they can pitch. Stout Schmitt was added to the Dale and replaces Jasmine Washington as a batter. Stout will add some much needed Defense, and the Dale jumped at the chance when they heard the counts of Bases will drop.
Season 18 is difficult to call for the Wild Low, and any scheduling boons will see Teams go to the Playoffs. All schedules equal, I don’t believe we will see Dale in the Playoffs this Season. Dale don’t fret, no matter what the Dale already won with these four words.
Hotel Motel, Holiday Innings. –Kina McCloud
10: 🐌 Ohio Worms [-3]
My coins are on Worms inching ever closer to a solid season in the playoffs, giving the rest of Wild Low a good challenge. Though their lineup suffered a bit as 4.4 + 0.2 batter Kaz Fiasco was Feedback Swapped with former Sunbeams 3.2 batter Igneus “Iggy” Delacruz, the Worms Transfused Jacoby Podcast’s pitching, developing a clay-solid pitching mound with 4.4 Rivers Rosa, 4.9 + 0.6 Xandra Pancakes, 5.0 Jacoby Podcast, and 5.3 Patchwork Southwick.
Though the backend of the lineup (the tail, if you will) is a drop-off in power, the front (the head, if you will again) has a three-player batting shell of Vessalius Sundae, Scratch Deleuze, and Loubert Ji-Un (average 4.8 batting between these three) that will certainly win the Worms some games. Ohio doesn’t control it’s own destiny, and could really use a high amount of home games for the newly Enriched Home Field Advantage (earning the Worms one Run at the start of each Home game) and the occasional Peanut weather to power up Delacruz’ Chunky mod (200% power boost in Peanut weather). I’m manifesting some good luck to these plucky invertebrates. –Clip Clipperson
9: 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams [+15]
After finishing last in the Wild Low division in Season 17 and barely securing a third Will, the Sunbeams managed to remove both Joe Voorhees and Brisket Friendo from their lineup, re-adding all-stars Nagomi Nava and Dudley Mueller, and filling out the lineup with slugger Howell Franklin. The result is a powerful Sunbeams offensive squad with few weak points.
However, a strong Sunbeams lineup is nothing new. But what is new in Season 18 is the pitching staff, easily the best it’s ever been for the Sunbeams. Newcomer Jayden Wright has burst out of the Shadows ready to make up for lost time by partying 5 times across Seasons 16 and 17, catapulting her, in raw star count, above every other pitcher in Wild Low.
Can the Sunbeams finish off their plans with a Season 18 win? It’s possible, but Wild Low is anything but predictable. Only time will tell if everything has gone according to Capri Sunset*.
*Translator’s Note: ‘Capri Sunset’ means plan. –Panda
8: ✨ Yellowstone Magic [+4]
“No matter how many players are missing, we will always Hit Ball Good. It would take a demolition crew to ruin our lineup,” were words of comfort that I hoped would rally my fellow Magic fans. It was after a nail-biting six game series we lost to the Moist Talkers back in Season 14. It was not supposed to be a challenge directed at the Sim. But we all know what happened. Struck by Apollo and his dodge ball of prophecy, by Season 17 Magic had been turned entirely on its head. We had a stacked pitching rotation and great defense, and what some fans were calling a lackluster batting lineup led by our spiteful ex-pitcher Logan Rodriguez. Apparently we didn’t have a chance.
And they were wrong. The fools!
Look, let’s get this out of the way – We are LONG past the era of Magic “struggling to produce runs”. We won’t miss out on postseason because “our bats aren’t good enough”; The Sim has failed to produce the dynamite necessary for that. But we now have a new problem (which is actually a lot like our old problem): Our pitching might not be able to handle the rest of Mild’s batters. Cravel is good but is certainly not Inky, and Melton ended their debut season with a Consumer gnawing on their arm, missing their vital transfusion. Postseason? Yes. Finals? Possibly. Championship? Unlikely.
But if we DO go all the way? Let’s just hope the Consumers keep their distance, or we may just run ourselves back onto the Buffet Table. Bon Appetit, Yellowstone Magic! –Nate
7: 🔱 Atlantis Georgias [+7]
Season 18 is going to be the season of the Georgias. They’re going to do what they’ve never been able to do before, something that has only been spoken of in hushed whispers in back alleyways: they’re gonna make it to the playoffs. The Georgias had some great Parties in Season 17, and now that they’ve finally gotten rid of the worst pitcher on their rotation and league-renowned bad player Knight Triumphant, and replaced them with Pitching Machine, the Georgias are in a much better spot than ever before. With some of the best defense in the entire ILB, their lineup is shaping up to be stellar, plus the addition of Fish Summer is putting them in — sorry, I’m currently receiving reports that Fish Summer is not on the Georgias. They appear to be on the Crabs, and the Georgias have Montgomery — nope, the Georgias have Wyatt Mason IV. In a peanut shell. On the lineup. Georgias good! –Sydney
6: 🐅 Hades Tigers [+12]
the Hades Tigews awe weady tuwu woaw again!!! heaw the Tigews woaw!!!!! aftew a much needed powew nap, the team iws weady tuwu take Wiwd High by stowm!!! Unfowtunatewy they wiww nowt pway Wiwd High if past scheduwes awe any indication, awnd Awdon wiww tuwn intwo a gowd pwated Desewt Eagwe juwst befowe Pwayoffs. No mattew: the Hades Tigews wiww get a shadows biwth named Tewwawium Wagnawok with 5 combined staws, wose in Wound 1 awnd get monched by Bwahajs aww the same!!! thawt’s the tigews way!!!!!!! nevew wook bawck!!!!!!!!! –dargo
5: 🥩 Dallas Steaks [-4]
Let’s get the routine stuff out of the way. S17 — no games against the Pies • 4 players Elsewhere • fell short in the playoffs. Election — wimdy’d a not-great addition of Baldwin Breadwinner • great unity in Wills • put Zoey into the Shadows for the Mechs to grab later.
Now let me tell you a story about a player named Ronan Jaylee. Ronan is an original Steaks player, a core part of the Steaks pitching rotation from Season 1 to Season 17. Ronan’s story begins in S1 as an astonishingly bad 0.83 star pitcher. In the final days of Season 7, Ronan Partied once, clawing up to 1.27 stars of pitching ability. Two seasons later, they swallowed a peanut and had a yummy reaction, growing to 2.38 stars – but then had their pitching ability siphoned by Arturo Huerta and fell back to 1.83 stars. Another Party in S12 brought them to 2.17 stars pitching.
In Season 14 the Steaks invested an Infuse into Jaylee, bringing them to 3.55 pitching stars, and a final Party brought them to 3.96 pitching stars in time for Ronan to play a key role in the Steaks S16 title run. A solid story of a pitcher slowly improving over time… or is it? All those peanuts and parties and Infuses had other effects as well, and Jaylee’s starting stats in the other categories were somewhat better than pitching. So here’s how Ronan’s pitching story ends: in Season 18 Ronan Jaylee will debut in the Steaks lineup as a batter, sporting 6 stars of batting, 5.4 stars of baserunning, and 6 stars of defense.
I, for one, can’t wait. –Mark Haines
4: 🕵️♂️ Houston Spies [+2]
After crashing out unceremoniously in the Season 17 playoffs, the Spies made some needed revisions in the Election and are returning from the siesta with a stronger rotation than they’ve ever had. The brilliant but inconsistent Sosa Hayes has been sent down to the Shadows for a season to train and prepare for a return, and reports indicate that Bennett Bluesky completed their elite-pitcher% speedrun in the offseason, gaining nearly 1.5 pitching stars from an Infuse, and picking up one of the most powerful pairs of sunglasses in the whole league, making them a near-6 star pitcher in only their 4th full season in the ILB.
As one of only five original teams to never make the Internet Series, the Spies have had a long history of making the playoffs just to fizzle out on the biggest stage, but there’s plenty of reasons for Spies fans to be hopeful for a breakthrough this season. Just about every batter in the lineup is liable to be a threat, so if enough Spies hitters catch fire in Season 18 (metaphorically speaking of course), then the title is definitely within reach. On the other hand, Wild Low is as difficult of a division as any we’ve ever seen, and there are plenty of top-tier teams waiting on the other side of the bracket to challenge whichever team comes out of the Wild League this season.
No matter what happens to the Spies in Season 18, everything will go according to plan. Now all that’s left to do is find out what exactly the plan has in store! –CowboyMoth
3: 🌴 Hawai’i Fridays [+7]
After a good-enough regular season, the Fridays took BNN’s #10 Season 17 power ranking all the way to their first Internet Series, gutting out shocking upset victories throughout the Mild side of the bracket before being swept by the Tacos in the finals. Blaseball’s second-best offense (in runs scored) returns fully intact, boasting an unmatchable 1-2-3 punch in Vibes Row: the trio of Val Games, Beck Whitney, and midseason Feedback pickup Lady Matsuyama.
The team’s emotional anchor, Baldwin Breadwinner—an awful pitcher with even worse romantic timing—will now weigh down the Steaks’ rotation thanks to the Alternator blessing. This gives aces like Evelton McBlase, Yosh Carpenter, and the newly transfused Juice Collins more games on the mound and floats the team’s Sinking Ship bonus back up to 1%.
Rejoice, fans! Not only have the Fridays recovered the formerly redacted Harrell, but with Yellowstone’s lineup regrowing (and possibly regressing) and the rest of the division still far from a rebound, the BNN committee’s research foresees them locking up the Mild Low. The team can reach a finals rematch with the Tacos, but first they may have to rebuff the recha(a)rged and reloaded Mild High rebels, the really good Pies.
Relax. As shocking as it may be to hear, the Fridays have done it before. –Traci J
2: 🌮 LA Unlimited Tacos [–]
The Tacos, on paper, have gotten worse. Hot Pitch Summer has come, and losing Sexton Wheerer for Bevan Wise without O No blood was not great either. Not all is lost however, as by transfusing Basilio Mason’s batting, and re-rolling Basilio Fig’s Magmatic into unstable, though they are Shelled, has shored up their lineup quite well. The run of Masons, Rat, Basilio, McDowell, is one of the best trios in the league, and that it makes up 3/4ths of their unshelled lineup makes it incredibly dangerous for any other team. On top of that, while Fish Summer is pitching, they will (hopefully) be Faxed out early in the season in return for long-hyped shadows player Michelle Sportsman, who had been in a tight race with Yummy Elliott for being pulled out in return for Peanut Bong. Fax willing and weather permitting, the Tacos are gearing up for another scorcher of a season, and have a great shot at making it to the playoffs for the 6th season in a row and 8th in franchise history. –theremin
When I suggested trying the ‘ghost chili of chaos’, I wasn’t expecting that to be shelling a third of the roster, but it seemed to do the trick. Now LA’s won it all by embracing entropy, can they take the next step into becoming an ILB dynasty, and is that ultimately what the Infinite Cities want, or is the lure of mayhem too overpowering? Their Wills suggest they might be aiming for the best of both worlds, and how viable that is remains to be seen, but it should be compelling viewing either way. –Blenjamin Rees
1: 🥧 Philly Pies [+3]
As a lifelong fan, I never thought I would see the day when the Pies had an elite rotation. With Nerd in a shell, newly-returned ace Elvis Figueroa will be pitching 50% of the Pies’ games…wait, didn’t I already do this?
Last season I was very high on the Pies’ chances and, despite their narrow loss in the semifinals, I am no less high about this season. While Elections were generally positive for most teams, the Pies improvements were dramatic, even for a team already near the top. Relatively weak hitter Yusef Puddles was replaced by returning veteran Pie Peanut Holloway, who was performing extremely well in his last few seasons before being Redacted, solid lead-off hitter Eduardo Woodman will be even more reliable after a transfusion, and the team got some rings, I guess? Oh, and the Pies finally achieved their dream of having a blood type, with AA Blood occasionally causing players who hit doubles to overperform for the rest of the game. And which team hit the most doubles in season 17? Well, uhh, the Fridays, but the Pies were #4. Depending on the proc rate of the buff, AA Blood could turn the tide in a number of games. And speaking of overperforming, Tastycake Stadium now has two (2) Birds+ weather renovations, increasing the number of games in which Pies will be pitching and batting 50%(!!!) better.
The Pies look strong, but are by no means a shoo-in. In general, with the positive elections, competition across the board should be tougher. The aforementioned Fridays look to pick up where they left off last season, when they made it to the ILB finals, and the Magic, with their 0 No Blood, will continue to confound teams stacked with ace pitchers. Nevertheless, the Pies’ chances at that elusive third championship this season should be as high as they’ve ever been. –Phoebe I. Ellis
Thank you for reading. The new three-season (“threeson”) run begins shortly, and we eagerly await to discover the unknown events that will make us look back at these Rankings and laugh at our naïveté & hubris.
Strange suns are rising. Glitter is in the air. Good morning, and welcome to [________________].