Blaseball Power Rankings: Season 17

compiled & edited by Luckey Haskins & Cal

Hello everybody and welcome to the 12th Hour of Cal’s 9 Hours of Blaseball Content Creation Sunday. You know the drill by now, or maybe you don’t! Our panel of expert (anybody who wants to participate) voters and blurb writers have once again created a new Power Rankings, ordering all teams from 24 to 1, based on how we think they’ll do in Season 17.

Without further ado, bring on the infinite hubris, edited by Luckey Haskins and Cal.

24: 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams [-9]

A group of hooded figures stand from a table in unison. On the middle of the table is a hockey mask with a suspicious red stain and a juice box. The hooded figures raise their hands to the skies as the Hellmouth lets forth a guttural scream.

And then someone kicks in the door and yells ZACK SANDERS IS BACK, BABY.

Operation: Capri Sunset was a complete success. The Sunbeams have shadowed star batter Dudley Mueller and brought forth Joe Voorhees, have successfully traded back Zack Sanders for Elvis Figueroa, and somehow ended up with Brisket Friendo on their team as well. Truly the Sunbeams are well equipped to tank the season out, even if they disappointingly didn’t get any of the Shadows buffs they were going for. As far as Season 17 goes, it seems pretty obvious that the Sunbeams aren’t going to accomplish much, especially in a division with the more powerful Dale, improved Tacos, still strong Worms, and newly Psychic Spies. (And also the Flowers are here).

So, let’s all say a fond farewell to the Sunbeams relevance in Season 17, but be warned. Capri Sunset is only phase 1 of the plan, and Operation: Super Nava promises to make for an interesting Season 18. – Panda (ThePanda1016#7134 on Discord)

23: 🎸 Seattle Garages [+1]

The Seattle Garages have hit the depths of immateria and are ready to bounce back. After some solid skanking over the past two seasons, even leading the party in season 15, the Garages have managed to largely recover from the stray consumer attacks that dodged Chorby Soul.

One would be forgiven for thinking that having nine pitchers is a detriment to the rotation, but it means that Jaylen Hotdogfingers is significantly less likely to pitch in Feedback while the team works on Reforming their Fliickerrriiing modification. Betsy Trombone has always pitched above their stars, and Mike Townsend has always historically been skilled against players like Jessica Telephone, a role Lenny Marijuana filled during Townsend’s time in the shadows.

With Alaynabella Hollywood now in the lineup, where they’re best suited, and with a solid rotation left after their Move, the Garages now once again have a shot at getting where they belong: a 0.500 win rate. – Fionna Adams

22: 🦀 Baltimore Crabs [-3]

The Crabs collect 10 and a Moist Talkers Alston Cerveza!
The Black Hole swallows the Runs and a Crabs Silvaire Roadhouse.
The Black Hole burps!
Chorby Soul is spat out onto the Crabs Lineup!
Parker Parra Is Fine.
Crabs Bad!
Gary

21: 📱 New York Millennials [+1]

After an epic (for all the wrong reasons) Season 16, the Mills are hoping for smooth sailing for Season 17. Last season saw an amazingly terrible election, a decent start to the season, then a middling-to-bad finish to enter the middle of the season, and then the worst losing streak in the history of Blaseball, topped off with two incinerations and a perfect game to boot. Let’s just say, the team will be just fine flying under the radar.

To sum up how horrendous the Mills were last season, they went 7-43 in the second half of the Season, including an epic 29-game losing streak that spanned 1 day, 5 hours, 51 minutes and 50 seconds between the last outs on Day 59 and Day 87. The losing streak propelled the Mills into Party Time, or Brunch, in franchise record fashion on Day 76.

Chorby Soul, the much maligned and celebrated pitcher, acquired in the Season 15 elections, was incinerated on Day 88, replaced by Mikan Hammer, followed by original Mill, Winnie McCall 5 games later on Day 92. The loss of Chorby was something that was probable based on a number of factors, including weather and Chorby’s Unstable mod, but the loss was felt league wide, as they were celebrated s a hero for taking the brunt of Consumer attacks to save other players around the league. But the loss of Winnie had a deeper, more immediate impact on the Mills team and community. Winnie was an original Mill, giving everything to the team for almost 16 seasons.

The Season 16 elections were much kinder to the Mills, improving the teams woeful pitching significantly. Staff ace Theo Cervantes partied hard and gained 3.8 star, to return to be the pitcher it was before an unfortunate consumer attack near the end of Season 15. Patty Fox was chosen to be Infused and is now a 4.7-star pitcher and looks to have a bounce back year. The Mills welcomed back Conrad Vaughan, an original Mill batter, to the rotation in a swap for Mikan Hammer and they also swapped Felix Garbage to the Tacos for Greer Gwiffin, a career batter who will pitch for the first time in Season 17. The Mills also welcomed back Schnedier Bendie after two years in Boston, sending Glabe Moon back to the Flowers in return.

The biggest gamble in the election was bringing Chorby Short from the Shadows into the rotation in place of Oscar Vaughan. Short was redacted from the Magic in Season 15 and went missing only to appear again from a Secret base in a Mills game on Day 37 in Season 16, last season. Mullen Peterson drove in Chorby with a base hit, and she joined the Mills Shadow rotation as a result. This move is considered a big risk instead of a no-brainer because Chorby has an unstable mod, meaning she is susceptible to incinerations during certain weather events. Considering the Mills just experienced one of the most awful seasons in Blaseball history, the risk of bringing Chorby Short into the rotation is worth it.

Look for the Mills to be middle of the pack. Their pitching will be their strength, but without doing much to help the offense, this team should be mediocre. And all Mills fans will be happy with that this season. – Rhett

20: 💋 San Francisco Lovers [+3]

The Lovers’ Season 16 performance was all right, and banking off of a good amount of parties and some good potential Wills the team stared down success going into the Election. After multiple straight seasons of good luck with their Wills, though, it seems as if the Lovers’ luck has turned on them. In two extremely unlikely wimdies, Kichiro Guerra has left the team in exchange for a plundered Pitching Machine, and 3.3 star batter Milo Brown has returned to the mound (where they certainly do not perform nearly as well). With a pitching rotation that now carries seven players and a lineup that still cannot compensate, the Lovers may very well be the ones to bring the paper plates and plastic cups to this season’s Party Time. – Jade Townsend

01010111 01101000 01111001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110111 00100000 01110100 01100101 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101011 01100101 01100101 01110000 00100000 01110011 01101101 01101111 01101111 01100011 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101101 01100101? – Pitching Machine

19: 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-2]

The Jazz Hands narrowly escaped finishing at the bottom of Wild High after a strong start turned bad. That bad start turned into much needed partying, helping to even out their roster. Their attempts at self-improvement didn’t turn out quite right, their left hand wasn’t paying attention to their right and they Transfuse’d Elijah Valenzuela only to instantly Alternate them. Elijah Valenzuela was already a soft spot for the teams lineup, and now they can’t even muster a single star of batting.

The strongest part of the Breckenridge looks to be their pitching arm, with four of their five pitchers boasting 4 or more stars in pitching star. Unfortunately for them the Mills exchanged Conrad Vaughan and Mikan Hammer, turning what was a pitching pothole into a sinkhole.

The damage to their team can be fixed but that’s going to take some time, and your opening batter and pitcher being your weakest players isn’t a recipe for success. In the meantime even with the Tigers plummeting down the rankings the Jazz Hands are likely facing another finish at the bottom of Wild High. – Kidror

18: 🐅 Hades Tigers [-15]

Panda: Anyone around that wants to summarize how they feel the upcoming season is gonna go?
Valentine: Bad
Valentine: This has been My Thoughts
Valentine: Bad is okay though
Curubethion: Exciting
Curubethion: Many changes one team
Luna: I am already tired
Nyancy: It might be nice to have the pressure off
Panda: I’m tempted to just submit this as the entire blurb
Panda: Any Objections?
Panda, Valentine, Curubethion, Luna, & Nyancy in The Tigers Den

17: 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves [+3]

The Charleston Shoe Thieves did not improve on their 44-56 record during Season 16, though because of major shuffles within the league it was solid enough to tie for 15th-best team. Charleston once again maintained the second-most difficult schedule (one game behind the Fridays) and second-tightest run differential in the league (dropping 14 games by a single run). An impressive Mild Card playoff run further proved just how deceptively competitive the Shoe Thieves are, beating fellow Mild Low prisoner Kansas City Breath Mints and holding a now-champion Dallas Steaks team to 2.8 runs per game during a five-game defensive masterclass.

Simon Haley had an unfortunate run-in with a stray peanut halfway through the season, though their performance did not seem to suffer. Ten-season Thieves veteran Howell Franklin was feedbacked to the Seattle Garages for shelled Oliver Loofah on Day 32; while the loss of the Thieves’ best offensive output player was a significant hit, recent acquisitions Jordan Hildebert and Herring Winfield have shored up the lineup. Hildebert, arguably the Thieves’ best batter at the moment, was swept Elsewhere Day 72, preventing them from contributing towards Charleston’s late- and post-season runs.

Charleston partied hard starting Day 90, accumulating eight parties plus the unboxing of Oliver Loofah after over 140 games shelled. Snyder Briggs, once the weakest pitcher on the Shoe Thieves’ rotation, self-actualized after an S15 Transfusion and S16 party, went 2-0 with a 0.43 ERA during the postseason. Hopefully, these Party Time gifts are enough to keep them competitive after a somewhat disappointing Election (a low-percentage plunder of Goodwin Morin in a low-lineup position, Velasquez Alstott’s Flinch becoming Haunted; and Haunted, present-occasionally, Esme Ramsey becoming an Earlbird). – Dr.J, WSHU

16: 🏋️‍♂️ Tokyo Lift [+2]

Season 16 started brightly; the Lift at their best, with the boundless energy of Engine Eberhardt, huge hits from Yusef Fenestrate and the base-stealing force of nature that is Goodwin Morin all on show. The talent was there, but as the season wore on the Lift’s haphazard order too often stopped their batters from linking up to their full potential.

Instead, unresolved pitching problems meant a gradual, glacial slide to the foot of a congested Wild High. Partytime was late in coming, and swiftly undercut by the Redaction of co-captain and fan-favourite Lance Serotonin. The remaining squad weren’t much in party mood, and the season fizzled out in an unearned fourth spot, just one win ahead of joint-bottom Jands and Wings.

Having lost Serotonin, the ever-pumping heart of the team, they now waved off Ayanna Dumpington, for so long its face, and Morin, its most bulging of biceps. It falls to former pitcher Gerund Pantheocide to lead an unfamiliar lineup. The Lift’s once league-best baserunning may have taken a hit, but surprise signings Jessica Telephone and Halexandrey Walton should at least lend the batting some teeth.

Yet again, it’s the rotation which presents the greater headache. Cudi “di Pitcherino” di Batterino is yet to recover from the allergic reaction which ended her batting career, while Aly Leaf and new arrival Mags Banananana are fair-to-middling at best. Outplayed on the field and outgunned at the Election, this season will be the one future Lift historians euphemistically call “transitional”. – Lift fan elmonstro (elmonstro#6813 on Discord)

please please please please please fix pitching. – Spotter Pandora

15: 🛠 Core Mechanics [-9]

The Core Mechanics have had a historical and fantastic season 17, followed by an election that leaves the Core fixing a wimdy sized hole within the pitching rotation and the feeling of being left adrift.

The Mechanics showed reinforced nerves of steel throughout the season, starting with the tight 3rd and 4th playoff seeds race in the Mild League with the Philly Pies and Breath Mints. This race would end on the final day of the season with Adelaide Judochop smashing a solo home run at the top of the 8th to clinch the 3rd playoff seed for the Core Mechanics and a playoff round against the then-current back to back champions, the Moist Talkers.

They went 2-0 down to Moist Talkers, but the Core rallied back to tie the series up at 2-2 and ended the final game in the 9th inning, with Bees Taswell hitting a solo home-run right into The Gleek’s big buckets for 2 runs, ending the series 3-2 to the Core. The Core lost to the favourites and eventual champions The Dallas Steaks within the Mild Championship finals, but fans were ecstatic to be in the playoffs for the 2nd time in its first 4 seasons and looked ready to challenge for the playoffs again next season until the election.

The Core lost star pitcher Zoey Kirchner in a wimdy plunder for an alternate and heavily weakened PolkaDot Patterson, heavily damaging the consistency of the Mechanics’ previously fantastic pitching. Progress was made to remove the rust on the Mechanics average batting lineup with the infusion of Mira Lemma, hoping to address her frequent strikeouts as the lead hitter for the Mechanics.

The Core Mechanics in Season 17 look set for a late invitation to party time that can’t come soon enough which can hopefully improve the batting ability; use the Season 17 election to repair the damage done to the pitching rotation, and return to their previous playoff form for Season 18. – CraftedRobot

14: 🔱 Atlantis Georgias [+3]

The Georgias went into Season 16 with high hopes for what may have been the team’s first good season since their arrival in Season 12. However, these hopes were quickly dashed less than halfway through the season as a devastating Reverb put record-setting awful pitcher, Flattery McKinley, back in the rotation, as well as star baserunner Jan Canberra. The Georgias’ record swiftly declined, ruining whatever chances they had at playoffs, but still managed to keep out of the last place spot of Wild High.

Once again, the Georgias went into the election with high hopes, but it didn’t pay off. They managed to once again move Flattery McKinley back to the lineup, but a combination of receiving zero blessings and an unfortunate wimdy with Fridays player Montgomery Bullock leaves the Georgias in an unfortunate place. The Georgias certainly aren’t the worst team going into Season 17, but their election has only served to counter the Reverb they experienced midway through the season, leaving them in about the same position they were in going into Season 16. – Sydney

13: 🌹 Boston Flowers [-1]

It seemed like the Flowers were on the up-and-up for Season 16, with the party time of the season before significantly strengthening many parts of the roster, and an Equivalent Exchange of Brock Forbes for their worst pitcher, Parker Parra helping to put the team in a much better position. And then over the course of the season, it somehow all fell apart. Dunn Keyes had an unusually abysmal 2-19 pitching season despite their decent stats, which was the worst blow; the lineup actually performed reasonably well, with a batting average only 0.38 points behind the league champions, the Steaks. There’s a lot going for the Flowers, but it also goes to show that every player on the team has to play well, otherwise it drags everyone down.

Where does this leave the Flowers going into Season 17? Well, they were hit pretty hard by elections, losing one of the best members of the lineup in Margarito Nava thanks wimdy’d Chorby plunder, and they basically got nothing done they needed to in terms of Wills. However, the team still carries a very solid core into the season, and picked up both Glabe Moon for Shnider Bendie, shoring up the team’s defense, and the reasonable Silvaire Roadhouse for Chorby Soul, thanks to some wimdy shenanigans on the Crab’s end as well. If the team can manage to hold their pitching rotation together, I think the wood chips are still down to find their way into the postseason. – Tyler

12: ✨ Yellowstone Magic [-1]

The team of Uppy Downy to the extremes, Yellowstone has experienced hit after hit of bad. After Election issues with trying to rescue Chorby Short after a season 15 that had three redactions in it (including of Chorby), the Magic were hoping that Season 16 would be a relatively mild, rebuilding season.

This wasn’t to be, after a lackluster but enjoyable Afterparty that saw two boosts, a midseason reverb that tossed Francisco Preston to the pitching rotation and Logan Rodriguez to the lineup, and a season of struggles to stay above the .500 mark, Yellowstone thought that was the roughest stuff they’d need to deal with. It was not, as on day 97 Oscar Dollie was redacted, and then two days later, Tiana Wheeler, just boosted from the previous election, also gets Redacted. Both are team favorites and huge parts of what Yellowstone does, and Oscar was an Original Magic player.

These next few seasons for Yellowstone could be tough, a greatly reduced lineup has provided few benefits, one though has been a highly focused average stars for both pitching and defense. The fact is though, the batting’s been gutted heavily, with only eight players on the team total. Season 16 Elections moved and buffed people, but these things take time. There are plans in place to rebuild the lineup, but the question will be how long will that take, and what else is going to happen while Yellowstone works on that, and can they avoid being relevant for long enough?

AS ABOVE, SO BELOW! – Dan

11: 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings [+5]

The Wild Wings “lost” the tiebreaker for 20th place, giving them the Free Will for being in the bottom four. With the extra Will, Mexico City shortened their large lineup, plundered a player to improve their Shadows, and transfused Silvia Rugrat in their rotation.

The result is a Wild Wings team that feels similar to last season, but MORE. They actually look a lot like the Mechanics team that made a deep run last postseason: an okay lineup with a terrifying rotation. The big difference is on the field; without a solid defense they could have trouble getting into the playoffs without the Wild Card. But if they can grab a spot, that rotation is good enough to cause trouble for any opponent in a First-to-X-Wins series. Luckey Haskins

10: 🌴 Hawai’i Fridays [=]

With the Magic’s roster going full Downy lately, their Mild Low friends the Fridays are keeping the Uppy Downy spirit alive. Hawai‘i played to very Uppy-Downy records in the regular season against playoff powerhouses like the Steaks (4 Wins to 4 Wins), Breath Mints (6-6), and Mechanics (7-8), but didn’t play the Garages (2-1) and Mills (3-0) enough times to get better than 51 Wins and 4th in the Mild Low.

The Move of Baldwin Breadwinner uppy from to the lineup and downy to the rotation has balanced the team with seven batters and seven pitchers. The lineup is otherwise the same other than a Lateseason Reverb leaving seven star batters Whitney and Games back-to-back near the back of the order, with solid slugger Jacob Winner as a leadoff. New pitchers Breadwinner and former Georgia Mordecai Kingbird will slow down the rest of the well tuned rotation, but the Transfusion of Fenry Marlow may give the Fridays more quality starts than last season.

Our Schrödinger’s Committee here at BNN is Uppy and Downy simultaneously on the Fridays, canceling like Echoes into the number [number go here] spot. Anything can happen locked in a competitive Mild Low with an Unstable Chorby Soul, so keep it wavy and uppy those downys. – Traci J

9: ⚪ Canada Moist Talkers [-7]

After back-to-back championships, the Moist Talkers retreaded old waters, leading the Mild Low but getting reverse swept in the divisional round by the lower seeded Mechanics. After cutting (crab)bait on Alston Cerveza to reacquire everyone’s friend, Richmond Harrison, the Talkers will certainly be able to Talk Spit, but can they Get Hits? That may be a taller task with two star Carmelo Plums trying to fill the Ego++++ sized hole York Silk left in the lineup.

The four player rotation lacks a second ace to pair with Greer Lott even after the shadowing of Sixpack Dogwalker. Plundering PolkaDot Patterson again is no longer an option after the all time great pitcher was replaced by a tragicomic Alternate last Election. Can Canada find a way to win without the Dot? They may squeeze another playoff spot out of a stone-like Mild Low, but the BNN experts seem to believe they will dry up against teams like the Steaks or Pies. – Traci J

8: 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints [=]

The Mints have been making steady improvements to the team across the last few on-seasons, and they’re really starting to see it pay off with back-to-back Postseason appearances. Ace pitcher Winnie Hess carried the Mints to win after win with a phenomenal 16-3 season, and newly-transfused Leach Ingram put on a solid show with new career lows in ERA and Walks Allowed. Ultimately it was the Mints lethargic offense that laid them low, unable to produce runs and seize the opportunities provided by their stellar pitching rotation and ending the season with the lowest Runs Scored in Mild Low. The movement of Eizabeth Guerra to the shadows could prove a great boon to a previously-underwhelming lineup, due the likes of Hewitt Best, Jode Preston, and newly-transfused Rodriguez Internet getting more plate appearances in the season. However, the Mints pitching might have taken a slight hit from their call-up of Shadows Pitcher Sandie Carver, who’s inclusion on the roster means less pitching appearances overall for Uncle Plasma and Winnie Hess. Ultimately, if their pitching can maintain their pace from last season and their offensive gains from the S16 election can prove the difference in low-scoring games, don’t put it past these Mints to surprise you. And not just by their fans appearing out of nowhere to scream something about “I LIKE JORTS AND I’M TIRED OF PRETENDING I DON’T” or whatever their latest memetic hazard is. The Breath Mints. – Commissioner AJ

7: 🐌 Ohio Worms [-2]

Just a few Seasons into their stint in the ILB, the Ohio Worms made the Postseason naturally. Heck, they even finished as the 3rd best Team in Blaseball, boasting 64! So, how did the Worms drop from a spot that is lower than their too low Season 16 Power Ranking? I’m not sure! The Election went well enough, with the Team’s worst pitcher, already respectable 3.9* Patchwork Southwick, getting infused up to a hefty 5.3*. While the Wild League, and especially the Wild Low, is always unpredictable, I personally struggle to see how the Worms aren’t going to repeat their S16 performance! Worms to the Finals. – Cal

6: 🕵️‍♂️ Houston Spies [+1]

Season 16 was possibly the closest the Spies have ever been to taking home the ILB championship in their history as a team. The return of fan favorite Fitzgerald Blackburn went even better than imagined, as Fitz smashed a league second 43 regular season homers and added 10 more in the playoffs just for good measure. Reese Clark also had a career year that Spies fans hope can be duplicated next season. In the election, the Spies shored up their scrappy but effective pitching rotation by dropping Becker Solis from their rotation and picked up a fresh set of traveling shoes for Fitz Blackburn. But most importantly, the Spies won psychic blood.

The effects of psychic blood are currently vague and mysterious but the Spies fans have seen the future. They know it will lead to wins, playoffs, dare I say even finals? If the Spies can escape the gauntlet of Wild Low, there truly is no cap on what they could do in the postseason. – CowboyMoth

5: 🚤 Miami Dale [+9]

During last Season’s Power Rankings, I wrote that with the right schedule the Miami Dale could go to Partytime early, and Dale got the right schedule finishing twenty-second in the ILB. Dale went into Partytime fairly early and partied hard throughout the rest of the Season. Of their 13 parties and 18.3 total stars increase, several parties went to make their best players even better. Notably, Logan Horseman and Rivers Clembons got needed boosts to become tent polls of the Dale offense with 5.5 and 5.4 batting stars respectively.

The Election saw Rivers Clembons being taken off the Pitching Rotation to the first position of the Lineup. This move condensed the Rotation to three strong pitchers and the lineup improved by having a 5.4 star batter at leading position instead of Don Elliot, a 1.2 star batter. Speaking of Don Elliot, Don was shadowed for Nagomi McDaniel during this Election. I don’t know how Nagomi will perform after being un-redacted, but the Foreshadow was a notable improvement. Finally, Logan Horseman got a Transfusion which increased Logan’s batting stars to 6.5 and reduced their defense stars to 3.8

Season 16’s performance may suggest otherwise, but I believe we will see the Dale play well during Season 17 and enter the playoffs for a second time. – Kina McCloud

4: 🥧 Philly Pies [5]

As a lifelong fan, I never thought I would see the day when the Pies had an elite rotation. With Nerd in a shell, newly-returned ace Elvis Figueroa (improved from a Party with the Sunbeams, no less!) will be pitching 50% of the Pies’ games, and if Nerd is pecked free, they are still a great pitcher. Speaking of pecking, with the Oven’s Birds+ renovation, the Pies can hope to see significantly more Birds weather, which, with their Affinity for Crows, will have them playing supercharged. On the batting side, perennial pitching disappointment Ruslan Greatness will now be providing a boost to the offense with great batting, baserunning, and defense. The Pies’ already-good lead-off has achieved Greatness, which will help them put points on the board early. Most importantly, with the Pies’ struggles against elite pitchers, Greatness provides one more opportunity to sneak in some runs.

This is the part where I list all of the reasons why, despite my cautious optimism, the Pies’ trip to the playoffs will be short if they make it at all. Pies fans, I am throwing caution to the wind. This Pies team has me excited. In terms of competition, the Breath Mints and Magic will be contenders this season, and some struggling teams should see some improvement, but many of the other Mild League teams saw setbacks in the off-season that will likely keep them out of the running.

Even with all of my enthusiasm for this Pies team, however, I cannot overlook one major obstacle standing in the Pies way: the team from Dallas. The Steaks were the strongest team in the last season, and it was not close. In the off-season, they also improved more than most other teams. This team, already fielding one of the best lineups and rotations in blaseball, has not only improved its rotation even further, but its batters will be Overperforming after hitting triples. The Pies’ shot at a third championship may very well come down to how well it can compete against this team. Phoebe I. Ellis

3: 🔥 Chicago Firefighters [+10]

Every season, there’s one team that overperforms these Power Rankings, and gets to ask: WHERE IS BNN?! The Firefighters were that team, coming up one Agan Harrison start away from winning it all in Season 16.

This season, Chicago has expectations. Their offseason was quiet: an Alternate version of Socks Maybe showed up at The Fire House, with an ability to keep Items around but not much difference in Batting stars. The team did get the Fourth Strike modification for Season 17, which could be just the advantage they need. The Firefighters stranded a lot of runners on base last season, so getting an extra strike for this team is going to be VERY useful. While they have lulls in their lineup, and Agan in Sun 2/Black Hole weather is a huge risk, Chicago should still set the pace for the Wild High and go deep into the Postseason. Luckey Haskins

2: 🌮 LA Unlimited Tacos [+2]

Picture the scene: it’s Taco Tuesday at your favourite Taquería, and you are hungry. No, not hungry. Starving. Greedily surveying the options, you think big – let’s create my own Taco, it’s the only way I can perfectly satisfy the craving. It arrives, your eyes light up, and your greedily tuck in. Something’s wrong, though. It’s missing something. Never mind, it still tastes good, but it’s not achieved Tacovana yet. So next week you go back, and try it again, just changing the ratios of filling to sauce ever so slightly. It’s delicious! Yet somehow it’s not perfect yet. Week in, week out, you return to the Taquería, alter the recipe ever so slightly, and while it’s always delicious, you know it can always be improved.

This is the Unlimited Tacos. They’ve been making shrewd moves in the election season after season, and while the Taco is still damn tasty, it somehow keeps coming up short. The Infinite Cities seem primed for the postseason again, but how long can their quest for the Internet Series come up empty, and will there come a point in the future when LA throws caution to the wind, stops tinkering with the recipe, and finally throws in the ghost chili of chaos that’s always been in their DNA, and finally reaches the Taco Tuesday of their dreams? – BlenjaminRees

1: 🥩 Dallas Steaks [=]

The Dallas Steaks rode their ridiculously lucky Plunder of PolkaDot Patterson all the way to the ILB Championship in Season 16, and knew that Dot would likely move on to another team for Season 17. Shockingly, a wimdy Alternate Trust Will zapped the all-time best ILB pitcher to another reality before a second Wimdy sent their alternate to the Core Mechanics. The Steaks ridiculous Plunder luck continued, as the Mechanics gave up their best pitcher Zoey Kirchner and recieved an unfamiliar Alternate Dot in return.

For their second Will, The Steaks rewarded their weakest pitcher Orville Manco with a Transfuse after their amazing performance in the ILB Playoffs, giving Dallas the best 5-pitcher rotation in the league for Season 17. With their batting shuffled by playoffs reverb, and at least one Consumer attack, the Steaks offense is less potent than Season 16 – but a third Wimdy for AAA blood could make a difference for a lineup that hit 90 triples in Seeason 16!

Steaks fans aren’t sure what to make of Season 17 – we were prepared to lose Dot, prepared for a chaotic election, prepared to be satisfied with just that one glorious championship season and work on rebuilding. Unexpectedly, Steaks still good? And the rest of the league mostly got beat up in the Election? Maybe the Steaks do have it in them to make another run at the title! Or honestly, just past the first round of the playoffs again. – Mark Haines


Thank you for reading. We hope you made it this far. If you did make it this far, remember that BNN is doing a giveaway of some mugs if we hit 10k followers. That is all.

Goodnight.

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