THE OFFICIAL BNN INTERNET LEAGUE BLASEBALL SEASON 7 POWER RANKINGS

HOWDY.

the election is over. power has shuffled.

Hey there everybody, it’s Splortscaster, Firewall Andrews, and Intern-in-Chief Benson “Nutty” Newton here with a fresh Power Rankings covering the entire ILB! We voted on rankings and gave a summary of our thoughts for each team, along with a little note on how many places they climbed or fell compared to the Season 6 rankings. Hope you enjoy.

RANK. RANK. RANK.

THE FIRST ONE ISN’T A SURPRISE.

#20: Unlimited Tacos 🌮 [-1]

Another Season with almost the worst record in the League (32-67), another Season with nothing particularly offensive or great happening for them, another Election with no direct benefits. While they have been caught up in the +5% Pitching and Hitting buffs brought on for the whole Wild Low Division, they’re still miles behind the next closest team in talent. Here’s hoping Extended Party Time does them good.

#19: Miami Dalé 🚤 [-5]

Ending Season 6 with a 37-62 record and having the unique distinction of being the third team to Party Time (which seems to have brought on a buff to their Extended Party Time chances), the Dalé seem to have a decent squad that isn’t producing results. With the communal Wild Low boost and Life of the Party active, the Dalé may have a chance in Blaseball’s future. It’s just not in Season 7.

#18: Hawaii Fridays 🌴 [-3]

The worst record of Season 6, sitting at 31-68, somehow still finds themselves at #18 on the BNN Power Rankings. Why? The Hawaii Fridays, while decidedly the weakest team of the Mild League, have one of the strongest Defensive lineups in the League, with a big offensive playmaking potential coming from 5* Hitter York Silk. We believe that the Fridays, more than any other low record team, are set to pounce into the upper echelons of competition.

#17: Yellowstone Magic ✨ [-1]

An unimpressive Season with a record well below .500, together with no blessings while teams around them improve land the 43-56 Magic at place #17. We’re not really sure what to say about the Magic. They’re just not getting there when they need to. They don’t even get to benefit from Blood Thief to help improve their stats, thanks to the postponement of the Blood Bath.

#16: Mexico City Mild Wings 🍗 [+2]

The Mexico City Mild Wings are entering Season 7 with mediocre Season 6 results, no Blessings, a failed lawsuit, and a new name. Being in the middle of Mild Low is a boringly average place to be, and yet, the Mild Wings weren’t able to pull it together last season. However, there are bright spots. Their star Hitter, José Haley, managed to slam 30 HRs to land 4th in the League most.

#15: Chicago Firefighters 🔥 [-9]

Who would have guessed that the Season 5 Blaseball Champs would fall so far in our Power Rankings? The Firefighters weren’t great this year, barely cracking .500 while supposedly being one of the League’s best teams. Not only did they not get massive benefit from Blood Pity, they didn’t seem to recover from their loss of Ace Axel Trololol and had no standout Pitchers to speak of. In fact, they had some of the worst performing pitching in the ILB this Season  With no Blessings won and many Teams in the Wild League getting better, the Firefighters have nowhere to go but down.

#14: Canada Moist Talkers 🗣 [-3]

After leading the campaign for Necronut, the Canada Moist Talkers are languishing in the middle of the Mild League, and therefore languishing around the middle of our power rankings as well. When the indisputably best pitcher in Blaseball, Polkadot Patterson, is on the mound, the Moist Talkers often waltz to victory. When Patterson, who led the league in Strikeouts (192, 20 more than 2nd place) and walk percentage (0.003%) while being top 5 in several other important stats, including ERA (2.374) and Shutouts (4), wasn’t on the mound the team struggled to win, thanks to a below average defense. Also they have two other pitchers on the Hits Allowed leaderboard.

#13: Boston Flowers 💐 [-3]

The unluckiest team in blaseball enters Season 7 without former team captain Beck Flowers or the feedback swapped Hahn Fox. Jacob Haynes is a budding superstar at the plate and wiggly-pitch master Chambers Simmons is a solid arm on the mound, but this team really needs some good fortune in Season 7 to turn things around and get back on track. Last season’s incredible final-game comeback was a feel-good story, but unfortunately, this team will likely be in Partytime well before Day 99 in Season 7.

#12: Kansas City Breath Mints 🍬 [+8]

Moving Boyfriend Monreal to the top spot in the lineup will keep the fanbase happy, but an overall boost in team speed is the real key change for the Mints heading into Season 7. Baserunning is an underrated element of blaseball, and we could see Kansas City sneak in a few more runs and steals than expected to steal some games. That said, this team did benefit from a pretty easy schedule a season ago (just 22 games against teams with winning records) and lacks in superstars on either side of the ball. Don’t count them out, but don’t expect them to challenge the Tigers and Garages for the division title.

#11: Houston Spies 🕵️‍♂️ [-4]

Alexandria Rosales’ move to the rotation will be huge for the Spies, who now have a solid pitching staff between Rosales, Theodore Holloway and Jordan Hildebert. They will also benefit from the collective Wild Low boosts and should be at or near the top of their division all season long. 

#10: Philly Pies 🥧 [-1]

Will Jessica Telephone ever leave the shell? If not, this team will really slip down the standings. The superstar and fan favorite did most of the heavy lifting on offense for the Pies in Season 6, and while the pitching staff was surprisingly solid, they seem to match up poorly against the Shoe Thieves without Telephone’s formidable Dial Tone in the lineup. However, the possibility exists for the shell to break, and adding Jess back to this lineup means the Pies are Mild League finalist contenders.

#9: Hellmouth Sunbeams 🌞 [+4]

The ‘Beams are quietly growing in power in the Wild Low division, and could take the division by storm in Season 7. Adding former Dalé and Flowers slugger Hahn Fox, plus the division’s collective boosts, have upped the strength of their lineup and rotation quite a bit. Sandoval Crossing, Eugenia Bickle and Miguel James have a chance to all put up solid numbers on the mound and lead the Sunbeams to the playoffs.

#8: Hades Tigers 🐅 [-6]

The two-time champions have been hit hard by some bad luck in blessings, swaps and otherwise, but still retain the core of a team that dominated the league for two seasons. Losing Fish Summer in a feedback swap was really painful, and Yazmin Mason’s alternative form just hasn’t been the same as their original reality, but the stars on this team shine bright. Hiroto Wilcox is a star on the mound and Randy Castillo is a slugger who can turn the game around.

#7: Charleston Shoe Thieves 👟 [-3]

Feedback and other weather events have not been kind to the Thieves of late, but the blessings this offseason brought them quite the boost. Adding Howell Franklin and boosting their stats is a huge boost to an offense sorely missing Antonio Wallace from an in-season feedback trade. And the pitching staff for Charleston just keeps getting better and better, and in just over a season it has gone from the club’s Achilles Heel to its shining strength heading into next season.

#6: Dallas Steaks 🥩 [-1]

The good? Conner Haley made the transition from awful pitcher to star hitter a season ago, and thanks to Season 6’s blessings, he’s now even better. August Sky, Paula Mason and the rest of the Dallas lineup pack a punch behind their star leadoff hitter, and this team is going to score some runs. The bad? The pitching staff did not notably improve, with Leach Herman ticking up just a bit, but likely not enough to put this team into the elite stratosphere. Still, they’re a force to be reckoned with, especially on offense.

#5: San Francisco Lovers 💋 [-2]

The Lovers still have some of the best pitching in blaseball, and while their team remains much the same after the offseason, that just means they’re poised to repeat their solid performance from Season 6. Yosh Carpenter has staked their claim as one of the best pitchers in blaseball and leads a solid contender in a loaded Wild High division, which is really the only knock against the Lovers — they have to face most of the other top teams in their race for the playoffs.

#4: New York Millennials 📱 [+4]

The Mills had been a bit quiet in the blessings department lately, but landed a solid one-two punch by getting Ooze to boost their hitting power and The Best Defense to add a three-star pitcher to their rotation in the form of Penelope Matthews, while sending 3.5 star batter Bates Bentley to the batting order. The lineup for the Mills, from top to bottom, is as loaded as ever, and this team looks poised to challenge the Hands and Crabs atop the division.

#3: Seattle Garages 🎸 [+14]

The Garages were probably the largest surprise of Season 6. With no standout players, save Farrel Seagull and Cedric Spliff making it onto the total Hits leaderboard with 123 and 122 respectively, this spunky team of underdogs sang and jammed their way into the playoffs and then went on an undefeated sweeping streak through the Mild League side of the Postseason ladder, before being decimated by the Crabs in the Finals. With the Necromantic return of 4* Ace Jaylen Hotdogfingers, replacing Mike Townsend (on paper the Garage’s worst pitcher), who was either a Disappointment or a Credit to the Team, depending on where you are in the Garage’s discography.

#2: Breckenridge Jazz Hands 👐 [+10]

The fourth strike is back and it’s going to a team that has no trouble at the plate in the first place. The Jazz Hands, even without the shelled-and-traded Nagomi McDaniel, have some of the top batting talent in the league with Aldon Cashmoney leading the way. The team also has one of the best pitchers in blaseball in Campos Arias, so the combination of talent and blessings means this is a tough team to beat in Season 7.

#1: Baltimore Crabs 🦀 [-]

The champs reign supreme. Even adding a shelled Nagomi McDaniel and losing the shink-rayed Holden Stanton won’t slow down this club. They won last season on the back of an incredible defense and pitching staff, and that hasn’t really changed heading into Season 7. Axel Trololol and friends will keep the Crabs in every game with their arms and arm cannons and other pitch-throwing appendages, while the offense is still led by premier base stealer Forrest Best and slugger Kennedy Loser.

FORSYTHIA HELLTIGER’S SMOOCHIN’ POWER RANKINGS.

The Bosses at BNN told us we had to include this. We don’t even know what it’s supposed to be.

TEAM RANKINGTEAM NAME
1Seattle Garages
2New York Millennials
3San Francisco Lovers
4Unlimited Tacos
5Philly Pies
6Chicago Firefighters
7Boston Flowers
8Hellmouth Sunbeams
9Hades Tigers
10Charleston Shoe Thieves
11Dallas Steaks
12Kansas City Breath Mints
13Houston Spies
14Canada Moist Talkers
15Breckenridge Jazz Hands
16Mexico City Mild Wings
17Hawaii Fridays
18Miami Dalé
19Yellowstone Magic
20Baltimore Crabs

THAT’S ALL FOLKS.

THAT’S THE END OF THE POWER RANKINGS. THAT’S IT.

the commissioner is doing a great job.

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