You can read Part One of this series here.
Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:
S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit
O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy
Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.
I will not be explaining these categories further.
Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.
Here’s 33 through 23.
33. Kaz Fiasco
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 6, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 2
Now we start to get into some of the more long-term players. The Sunbeams only had Kaz Fiasco for a short time, and had to lose an original lineup player to get them, but we were pretty excited about Kaz when they showed up. A cryptid mothman with TWO HATS? They CAUSE PROBLEMS? What’s not to like? With more time on the team, Kaz would have been a strong favorite for sure.
32. Elvis Figueroa
Seasons: 6, Hellmouthyness: 6, Ability: 9, Radicalness: 3, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 4, Tragedy: 2
One of the surprise new fixtures of the Sunbeams Expansion Era roster, Elvis is somehow the first player to not listen to the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Bureau TWICE. After being wimdy’d to the Sunbeams for Zack Sanders in Season 15, they were promptly traded back, only to wimdy onto the Sunbeams again in season 19 for the just-discussed Kaz Fiasco.
What is it about the Hellmouth that attracts these fungal gnomes to the deserts of Utah? We may never know. However, what we do know is that Elvis has more career postseason wins with the Sunbeams than they do with the Pies.
31. Alexander Horne
Seasons: 4, Hellmouthyness: 6, Ability: 5, Radicalness: 5, KS: 4, OG: 5, Unestimability: 5, Tragedy: 2
It’s… LITTLE ALEX HORNE!
Alex came to the team in season 3 as the second incineration replacement, for Velasquez Meadows. Soon after emerging, Horne hit a grand slam against the Pies, cementing the “Horne Run” as legend in the team’s history.
It’s truly a shame we didn’t have more time with Alex, but reports of gurz thriving in San Francisco are enough for us for now.
30. Harriet Gildehaus
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 8, KS: 7, OG: 5, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 3
Harriet joined the team during the Fax Madness of the late EE Sunbeams pitching roster. Despite only spending a short time with the team before being will-shadowed at the end of Season 21, she made her mark by being the losing pitcher in the Sunbeams Underbracket run, securing her own Underring to take back to the shadows with her.
30. Son Jensen
Seasons: 2, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 7, KS: 2, OG: 0, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 7
You know how every team has that player in the shadows? The one they spend season after season trying to get out of the shadows, or buff, because their stat distribution is worth it? Say hello to that player, but for the Tacos.
Son Jensen was cheered as she emerged from the shadows via the Tacos voicemail, and those cheers turned to confusion as Son promptly left the team for the Hellmouth in exchange for Hendricks Richardson. Son is a great fit for the Sunbeams, his Moxie and other stats fitting the Beams’ playstyle, but a lot of their story is the unlikely path they took to get here.
30. Phineas Wormthrice
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 5, Radicalness: 7, KS: 2, OG: 5, Unestimability: 5, Tragedy: 1
I think everyone in Blaseball knows who Tillman Henderson is. TV Tropes has a page for “Jerk with a heart of Gold” but Tillman is more like their “Jerk with a heart of Jerk”. The Sunbeams have never had a Jerk before, and so we sat down to create one in Phineas Wormthrice. I mean, it sounds pretentious enough, right?
Well, we made em smol. Oops.
Phineas quickly became beloved by the team, and contributed greatly to our offense by being our first magnification. Even though ey weren’t amazing emselves, they often were able to bat in Howell and Nagomi. A surprisingly good member of the lineup until ey got chomped and shadowed, it remains to see if ey’ll ever return to active play.
30. Malik Romayne
Seasons: 7, Hellmouthyness: 1, Ability: 4, Radicalness: 2, KS: 2, OG: 10, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 8
Malik Romayne is the first 10 OG, a member of the Season 1 Moab Sunbeams Lineup.
And I just don’t have much to say about them. They were… fine. They were probably the best player on the team at the time they were traded, since Randy, Emmett, Rhys, and Velasquez were all dead, but other than that they just didn’t make much of an impact. They’re vaguely a chef and they might have been married to fellow OG Igneus Delacruz. But for the most part, Malik just didn’t have as much of a presence compared to the rest of the OG team.
26. Guy Gulp
Seasons: 2, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 2, KS: 2, OG: 5, Unestimability: 4, Tragedy: 10
Okay, so, the thing I wanna stress here is that Guy Gulp is, in Beams lore, the only one that has to work a regular job. And that’s, like, the most tragic thing I can think of. Also, the only reason they have any points in radicalness is that they’re often depicted as dating Aldon Cashmoney, which is pretty rad.
26. Kaj Statter Jr.
Seasons: 6, Hellmouthyness: 2, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 8, KS: 9, OG: 5, Unestimability: 2, Tragedy: 4
In comparison to Guy Gulp, here’s someone who’s almost all radicalness and KS. Kaj (rhymes with sky) burst onto the scene in Season 13 when Sutton Bishop was incinerated. What’s cool about them?
-Replaced Sutton on Day 98 of the season, stole home in the same game, and then partied on Day 99
-Drives a boat in the desert
-Has a goat named Disco Ball that is also licensed to drive boats
-Drove the boat that carried the Sunbeams when they charged the mound in Season 24
This is some real KS stuff here, if you ask me.
24. Goodwin Morin III
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 9, Radicalness: 9, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 2, Tragedy: 9
Goodwin Morin III is the only replica that the Sunbeams have ever had on the team. Generally we prefer to win with our own players, but when we had to get a replica we went with who we ended up calling Gw3n. It’s still very confusing to me that we didn’t make it to the finals of Season 22 (where we had a shot at beating the Breath Mints), but hey, things happen.
Gw3n’s main takeaway from the Sunbeams is that we gave her cat ears. And she’s just based on a super cool lady so she carries a lot of that radicalness with her.
23. Howell Franklin
Seasons: 7, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 9, Radicalness: -1, KS: 8, OG: 0, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 8
This is the only negative score on the whole list.
Howell Franklin is a werewolf who is a dad. Like that’s most of his deal. He’s got no rad energy at all. Not even a little bit. You can’t be rad in cargo shorts, with sandals on. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules, you just can’t.
But Howell fit in great with the Sunbeams. Howell remains one of the top batters in the ILB even with flinch, and as the Sunbeams have reformed that flinch, Howell promises to be even better in future seasons. It’s kind of fitting to have Howell close out this article, because he might be the most beloved of the “late” or “temporary” Sunbeams, and in fact, only 2 other Zero-OG players score higher than Howell Franklin, both of whom were with the team for much longer.
And there you go. Up through 23. Next time we get 22-11, and then we’ll finish it up with the scientifically determined top 10 Hellmouth Sunbeams. I’ve been your resident Sunbologist, Panama Dan.
See you again soon.