Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:
S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit
O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy
Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.
I will not be explaining these categories further.
Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.
This is the top 10! Let’s Beam on down to Beamtown!
10. Randall Marijuana
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 7, KS: 9, OG: 10, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 10
The player with the shortest career in the top 10, Randall Marijuana was probably the most plot-important Sunbeam of all time. An instant fan favorite due to their skill and funny weed name, Randy easily charmed every early Beams fan. It was devastating when Randy feedbacked to the Jazz Hands, and even more devastating when they died there 40 short days later.
But the Sunbeams loss is the league’s gain, as Randall was an integral part of The Hall Stars team that defeated The Shelled One.
Randy’s place in lore is cemented as being part of the Precognition Trio, and we will always be sad about what happened, but we currently think Randy and Emmett are driving around in a van and just having a good time, and honestly that’s probably one of the best fates of any player in the league.
9. Sutton Bishop
Seasons: 9, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 9, KS: 7, OG: 5, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 9
The only player in the top 10 that didn’t start on the Sunbeams in Season 1, Sutton Bishop is distilled, pure chaos. It’s hard to entirely describe what Sutton is, or what it means to the Sunbeams, but consider the following:
– First player incinerated in Extra Innings (Incinerated S12D98. The next pitch after its incineration would end the game. Combs Estes had already died in the game.)
– Shortest time from Death to Haunting (Haunted S12D99).
– Most Valuable Ghost (By all metrics, no ghost produced as much haunt value as Sutton Bishop).
– Gained MVP a full 11 seasons after death.
– Broke out of the Hall to play for the Rising Stars.
– Stolen by the Vault Legends.
– Immediately broke out of the Vault to play for the Boston Flowers.
Sutton is the only player to escape both the Hall and the Vault. Soon it will escape the Black Hole. Nowhere is safe from the goose.
8. Lars Taylor
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 4
If this list weren’t scientific, Lars might have taken the top spot. But there’s enough science here to unfortunately relegate Lars to the 8th slot. Lovingly, Lars is a dork, and thus scores a low score on ability and radicalness, and a relatively low tragedy score cements stars place here.
But Lars means SO MUCH to the Sunbeams, and that can’t be overstated. Starting out with No Stars, becoming Lone Star Lars (thrusting the Sunbeams into a cowboy phase), leading the Sunbeams to the Season 11 championship, and having an absolutely bonkers Season 14 (look it up if you don’t believe me). These are just some of the reasons we love Lars, and always will love Lars.
7. Nerd Pacheco
Seasons: 12, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 8, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 10
Have you ever heard the tragedy of Nerd Pacheco the anxious?
I thought not. It’s not a story the Crabs would tell you. It’s a Pies legend. Nerd Pacheco… was a Blaseball Player of the Beams so powerful and so wise, they could use the Peanuts to create batting power. They had such a knowledge of the Nut Side, they could even keep the ones they cared about… from shelling.
They became so powerful, the only thing they were afraid of was… being Shelled themself. Which, eventually, of course, they were, by their apprentice Peanut Bong. Then, a superallergy obliterated them on the mound.
Ironic. They could save others from disaster, but not themself.
6. Igneus Delacruz
Seasons: 17, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 5, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 9
Igneus Delacruz may not have been the strongest player on the team, but towards the end of the Discipline Era, Iggy was putting up numbers far beyond his stars. Iggy was one of the Beams 2 Alternates in Season 4 (other to come soon), and was often seen around the Hellmouth with best friends Zack Sanders and Miguel James. Tragically, Iggy died, and even more tragically, died in Ohio.
Often depicted as a blue flame elemental, maybe that’s our fault, as blue flame is hotter than orange, and the flame that burns brighter burns out faster as well. Igneus was a core member of the Season 11 team, a player who surpassed their limitations repeatedly, and gave a lot to the lore of the team and the people around them.
5. Zack Sanders
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 7, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 7
So, if you have been keeping a running tally, you will realize that this means that 4 of the Beams OG pitchers are in the top 5. This might seem weird to you, as Sunbeams pitching is bad, and one of the categories here is Ability. Well, guess what. Sunbeams pitching isn’t as bad as you think it is, but our defense is worse than you think it is, so Sunbeams pitchers remain okay at the game and unestimable, which Beam Science has deemed important.
First up is Zack Sanders. A sturdy hellmouthyness score coming from a desert sunflower/sunflower beast motif, Zack is a spectacular example of the Sunbeams motto of “Stare into the Sun”. Zack’s only tenure away from the team was a single season spent in Philadelphia, after which she was promptly returned to her home. In the new era of Blaseball, we look forward to seeing Zack continue to grow in the Garden of the Boston Flowers, continuing to throw rocks on the mound.
4. Miguel James
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 5
Miguel James was the last player on the Sunbeams to move from their original position, and they took over 22 seasons before their first stint in the shadows. Miguel’s scores are bolstered by a radicalness of 10, which comes not from her ability to perform radical moves and feats, but the sheer tenacity to consider every performance radical regardless of how hard the faceplant they took was.
In the time that this reporter has been writing this article, we’ve discussed Miguel James a lot, especially in the Hall of Fame case, and Miguel James truly was better than you think. A workhorse for longer than almost any other pitcher in the ILB, Miguel James continues to bring an unrelenting positivity and a bright fashion sense to the Hellmouth in all times, and we’re all better off for having her with us.
3. Eugenia Bickle
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 7
Eugenia Bickle was the Sunbeams first real attempt at a multi-season plan. Things like Capri Sunset, Super Nava, Gatecrash Groundout Gooseboss, and Trebuchets would not have been possible if not for Bickle Batter. Pivoting Jayden Wright into the lineup and Sigmund Castillo into the shadows, Eugenia Bickle’s move to the lineup may be one of the deepest reverberating events for the Sunbeams, a success in every single aspect.
Bickle herself well promotes the values of the Hellmouth, being intermittently both a slugtaur and an orc, depending on the lore, but also spends her time cultivating some of the many cursed Hellmouth plants in her greenhouses.
If Miguel represents the Sunbeams staunch commitment to tradition, Bickle represents the team’s force of will and ability to get things done.
2. Sandoval Crossing
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 10
And if it wasn’t going to be Lars at number 1, it had to be one of these two. Sandoval Crossing misses out on the top slot mostly by being a dad, and as such, suffering the standard dad penalty to Radicalness. Sandoval started out as a star, competing in the upper echelons of pitching alongside early Discipline favorites like Polkadot and Axel, but sadly started to fall behind as the years and seasons went on. Still capable of burst of greatness, a crippling peanut addiction would eventually lead to a truly unestimable career.
What drove her to a life of peanuts? Well, probably the deaths of in-lore husbands Velasquez and Rhys, in-lore surrogate son Randy, and in-lore roommate Sutton Bishop.
That’s a lot of Tragedy to put on an old man who just wanted to play Blaseball-Tennis with a stop sign.
1. Nagomi Nava
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 10, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 10, Tragedy: 10
There truly is too much to say about Nagomi Nava. A KS score of only 7 along with some stints in the shadows are the only things keeping the Sunbeams Slugger from a perfect SHARKOUT score. To know Nagomi Nava is to truly know the Sunbeams, our team, our lore, our history, our vibes, everything.
Nagomi Nava was the survivor of the Precognition Trio. She befriended an eldritch horror and got it to chill out and live in her face. She personified the Beams strategy of walking, and even in the Ruth Era when no pitchers were throwing balls, Nagomi was still rocking dingers out of the park. She hit a 2 run home run against the Vault Legends, which was a more-than-decent chunk of the team’s offense.
Nagomi is truly one of the most unique talents in the league, and often overlooked for flashier players leaguewide, but if I were putting a team together, Nagomi Nava would be right near the top of my list every time.
And that’s the list. This is the world that Science has wrought. I’ve barely scratched the surface on these Beams though, and there’s mountains of stories about each and every one of them, and we’re always happy to share them with anyone willing to listen.
As the new era of Blaseball approaches, we have already watched some of these players fall to other teams, on which we can’t wait to see what they do, but a new class of Sunbeam is falling as well, and the Utahan desert has never looked brighter.
No matter what the Sun is, or who Stares into it, it unites us all.
See you in January.