Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
– Hellmouthyness
– Ability
– Radicalness
– King Shit

O – OGness
– Unestimability
– Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows, 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

Honorable Mentions

46, 45, 44. Jasper Blather, Alston Cerveza, Donia Bailey

The three “Lore Legal” Sunbeams that never took the field for the team. Jasper and Alston are well known in the Hellmouth for being 2 of the only players to actually Not Come To The Hellmouth. I mean, we have a whole department in charge of this but people keep showing up. Donia is a late addition, having been Phantom Thieved from the Spies in late Expansion Era, but is reportedly being taken well care of in the Hellmouth Shadows.

43 to 33

43. Quack Enjoyable
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 0, Ability: 4, Radicalness: 2, KS: 1, OG: 0, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 1

Quack is a duck. Their main contribution to Sunbeams Lore is that they showed up in a Shell and got broken out of it within 30 or so games, and then left 30 games later. Didn’t stay nearly long enough to become any amount of cursed.

42. Brisket Friendo
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 1, Radicalness: 1, KS: 1, OG: 0, Unestimability: 1, Tragedy: 4

Brisket was given to us in the Triangle Trade that caused Alston’s brief tenure and took our Best Friend Richmond Harrison from us. While Brisket had been plot relevant before, they came to us with no lore and left as a Blahaj Kitty who weighed an enormous amount and had an owner named Brie. (Get it? Brie’s Cat?). Their poor play did coincide with the Sunbeams Tanking Season but otherwise didn’t make a huge impact. (Other than who they were traded for, a player who will appear later).

41. Borg Ruiz
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 3: KS: 2, OG: 5, Unestimability: 2, Tragedy: 1
41. Tot Best
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 2, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 3, KS: 1, OG: 5, Unestimability: 5, Tragedy: 2

Borg Ruiz and Tot Best were two of the Sunbeams 3 Night Shifts in Season 24. They didn’t have a lot of time to establish themselves but both proved to have sparks of talent and some very interesting motifs. It’ll be interesting to see what they do when Blaseball returns.

39. Comfort Septemberish
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 0, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 8, KS: 4, OG: 0, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 2

Comfort didn’t play much for the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Received in a feedback, they were quickly reclaimed at season’s end, and spent most of their time on the Sunbeams in Elsewhere. They did contribute to the Underchampionship run, and received a high Radicalness score for shouting 90’s advertising slogans at the top of their voice constantly.

38. Siobhan Chark
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 5, Radicalness: 4, KS: 3, OG: 0, Unestimability: 4, Tragedy: 5

The first 5 Tragedy on the list goes to Siobhan Chark for the tragedy of the Flickering Socks. Siobhan bounced around in the late EE, but her 3 seasons on the Sunbeams were memorable. As part of the Spybeams Revolving Door, her presence strengthened the bond between the Wild Low teams, and she added a splash of fresh water to the desert air.

37. Joe Voorhees
Seasons: 2, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 0, Radicalness: 1, KS: 8, OG: 0, Unestimability: 0, Tragedy: 10

The Career of Joe Voorhees:

  • Joe bounces around other teams
  • Joe comes to the Hellmouth
  • Joe is swiftly sent to the shadows in the first lineup downsizing (starting the small team meta?)
  • Joe lives in the shadows for about 30 years
  • Joe is re-summoned from the shadows to be bad on purpose
  • Joe is bad
  • Joe is, for some reason, marked by Jessica Telephone as a threat and Shelled.
  • Joe’s peanut is shoved back into the shadows.

36. Avila Guzman
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 0, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 9, KS: 3, OG: 0, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 1

I just think she’s neat! Seems like a very rad lady, and for sure is one of the most underrated players, maybe in all of Blaseball. Wish we could have had her longer to get to know her.

35. Aldon Cashmoney
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 4, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 1, Tragedy: 5
35. Dunlap Figeuroa
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 1, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 7, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 4
35. Richmond Harrison
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 4, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 2

Welcome to the Tigerbeams corner. Though none with the team too long, not much else shows how strong the bond is between the Sunbeams and the Tigers. Early Expansion wills led to Aldon and Richmond both joining the team and endearing themselves to the fanbase, while Dunlap made a quick stop in the Hellmouth on their Fifth Base World Tour.

That’s the first 11! Next time I’ll cover 32 to 22. Remember to Stare into the Sun, everyone!

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