The first three-season sprint of the Expansion Era concluded with the first championship for the Moist Talkers, the introduction of the Consumers, and an Election that saw two necromancies. With a full Offseason behind us, it’s time for BNN contributors to engage in collective hubris, and plant our flag in front of these Power Rankings:
24: 🔱 Atlantis Georgias [ – ]
Is it bad that I had to go back to the Elections page to even figure out what the Georgias did with their Wills? Everybody in the lineup looks … fine. The first three pitchers look … good. Flattery and Ankle at the end are gonna hurt. In the sink-or-swim world of the expansion teams, the Georgias appear to be like Fezzik from The Princess Bride: They only doggy-paddle. – Ifh-Biff
The Georgias have made improvements each season since their arrival, but not enough to keep up with the Wild League and other expansion teams. Atlantis seems poised to take the next step, if they can get one more good season of Party Time, one big Blessing or Will going their way, and/or avoid the predations of Consumers & weather. – Luckey Haskins
23: 🎸 Seattle Garages [-4]
The 14th Season started out rough for the Garages. We put Jaylen into retirement and brought out Nolanestophia Patterson, while also gaining a stowaway in the form of Magi Ruiz. It showed with our win-loss record, racking up too many losses to make it to playoffs.
Despite our best efforts, the Garages have once again performed necromancy, with the pitcher Chorby Soul now on our pitching lineup, we may just be starting to see a repeat of what happened with our beloved Jaylen. Though with tough teamwork and good luck, The Garages may be able to claw themselves back up to fighting form. – Chris
If the question is, “which team reminds you that Blaseball is a horror game,” the Garages are my pick. Chorby Soul with a debt, playing in stadiums with lowered Fortification? Chorby Soul potentially wrecking the eDensity curve and luring Consumers? Wyatt Mason X potentially echoing Debt and sending it to all Receivers? Chaos. – Luckey Haskins
22: 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves [-4]
The most recent seasons of Blaseball have been unkind to the Charleston Shoe Thieves, finishing with the second-worst record in the league in Season 14. A fifteen-day party time and Infusion Will saw Herring Winfield, Simon Haley, and half the remaining lineup discover some serious gains that will hopefully combat the Flinch. On rotation, the “Pitcher of Blood” initiative was completed, transitioning Blood Hamburger to the mound (and 1-19 Simba Davis to the Shadows) and likely adding a handful of wins to the schedule. Roamin’ Bright Zimmerman, formerly of the Moist Talkers, may create hiccups for an otherwise strong pitching staff. Benefiting from a third Will, the Thieves received Jordan Hildebert from the Spies in a mutually-agreed exchange for Bennett Bluesky — while Hildebert has never batted, their prospectus looks promising. – Dr.J of WSHU
21: 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-1]
The Jazz Hands played to expectations in Season 14 and were too far off the pace to seriously contend for playoffs. However, elections gave the opportunity for improvement and they took that opportunity with their many Hands. Fresh-faced Bauer Zimmerman replaced the legendarily bad Stephens Lightner in the active lineup and Collins Melon hit the gym, Partying twice before also getting Infused. Add a rampant Baby Doyle to the mix and there’s a very scary 1-2-3 punch in the middle of the batting order. The lineup still has some gaping holes but it is starting to come together.
The rotation looks fairly similar to the lineup. Wyatt Pothos clearly leads the way as one of the best pitchers in the league, while August Sky and – surprisingly – Conrad Vaughan have proven to be very valuable on the mound. Despite some partying, the rest of the rotation has a lot of room for improvement and will continue to struggle in Season 15.
The future looks bright for Breckenridge, and while that brightness looks a little bit closer, it still isn’t here yet. – Klifford Stoot
20: 💋 San Fransisco Lovers [-5]
After the Season 14 Election the Lovers are in shambles, having lost their best batter (Knight Triumphant) to the Georgias, weakening the team’s already lacking offense. In addition the team’s once flawless pitching rotation no longer contains its two standout aces, a change that will very clearly not work for the Lovers’ success this season. Despite positive gains made through the team’s own Wills, though, it doesn’t seem likely that we’ll see a Lovers team nearly as skilled as the one that made the playoffs last season. – Jade Townsend
19: 🛠 Core Mechanics [+3]
Going into season 15, the Mechanics have a truly top-tier pitching staff, and have managed to differentiate themselves from the rest of the league by that virtue. However, their Lineup still leaves their offense severely lacking, and their four-star batter Lady Mastuyama gaining Homebody is going to leave her as an inconsistent asset to the team. In a stacked Mild League, Core can simply not manage without much more work being done by their bats. Mechanics fans should expect and even hope for a quick run to Party Time and to continue improving their batting; right now is the time for Maintenance Mode. – Erin Stille
The Mechanics will be an interesting team to watch early on for one big question: does Lady Matsuyama’s Homebody mod activate the team’s Maintenance Mode? If so, Core will gain the Fourth Out for every away game, which is CHAOS. If not, we learn that Evolution mods are exceedingly narrow of focus. – Luckey Haskins
18: 🐌 Ohio Worms [+5]
“Treade a worme on the tayle, and it must turne agayne.” – John Heywood, 1546.
It may be premature, but these Worms plan on turnin’ around. They already have developed a Tier A offense, and worked hard this Election season to bring the 24th ranked pitching staff up to snuff: they unleashed long awaited shadow Xandra Pancakes, but … oh Luis. Someone out there treaded on these Worms’ tails, and it’s going to keep them in the middle of the pack at least one more season. – Ifh-Biff
17: 🌴 Hawai’i Fridays [-11]
Imagine a big boat stuck in a canal with the words “Magic” and “Moist Talkers” emblazoned on the side, and with “Crabs” just below in fresh spray paint. That canal is the Mild Low, and the Fridays are the sinking ship waiting behind that big boat. A near playoff lock in any other division, the Fridays are unfortunately stuck behind three of the best teams in Blaseball. Their solid rotation has seen some Party Time boosts, but Fenry Marlow will continue to give up buckets of wins. Their lineup, once unglamorous yet even, is now neither. Newly-added superstars Valentine Games and Beck Whitney are a decent upgrade over the batters Hawai‘i lost, but are too far apart in the lineup to drive each other in, while the reacquired Baldwin Breadwinner adds a deluge of free outs to an already below-average offense. Barring a scheduling miracle, Fridays fans should look forward to more Party Time this season, but don’t forget: newly-debted batter York Silk just climbed onto that big boat up ahead, and is starting to set up the cannons. – Traci J
16: 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints [ – ]
The Breath Mints. appear to be following the template of the Pies: trim down the lineup, pack it with consistent hitters, struggle with the rotation, and lose to Mild Low. The Pies Plundering Jessica Telephone and sending back Jode Preston is two blessings in disguise for the Mints Lineup. Not only do they get a solid contact hitter batting behind the newly Infused Hewitt Best and the better-than-they-look Rodriguez Internet, but swapping out Telephone means this change is far more likely to last beyond the end of just this season. Like the Pies, the Mints have a number of promising batters and a reduced lineup, but there still are a few dips and lulls in the batting order that need to be addressed before the team will be a true threat. Similarly, the Mints have a respectable Rotation, but “respectable” doesn’t quite cut it in the Expansion Era, and certainly not in Mild Low. While in any other Division we might be singing the praises of the Mints, breaking past the Magic, Crabs and Talkers is a tall order. Our projections for the Mints may be harsh, but keep an eye on the team in the future, especially in the case of any league realignment. – Para
This is NyQuil chicken (CW: food crimes). Look at it. Just imagine its glorious breaded chicken thighs wrapped around a tasty filling instead of flabby Wal-mart chicken breasts. These are the Breath Mints. If most Blaseball teams are at best chicken cutlets, the Mints are a delectable cordon bleu. They’ve made better use of their Wills than most: they Revoked or Foreshadowed their worst batters and Infused their Best one. So now it’s a very solid lineup filling with consistently stanky (in a good way) gruyere cheese (Rodriguez Internet) following up on on the extremely slick and always on-point ham slice that is Hewitt Best. And Jodie, adding a delicate patè de champignon to the mix, is at worst a slight downgrade from Jessica. The breading is a bit lacking, with one weird burnt part (Leach Ingram) that somehow tastes good anyway, but it’s sufficient. Unfortunately, this wonderful dish gets smothered in the NyQuil wave that is the rest of the Mild Low league. This narcotic concoction effectively means the Mints have little chance of making playoffs: the Crabs, Talkers, Magic and even the Fridays are not easy to beat. The best they can hope for is 40+ games against the Shoe Thieves. For all their strengths, the Breath Mints are still NyQuil chicken stuck in gay baby jail. – Dargo
15: 🕵️♂️ Houston Spies [-4]
The Spies narrowly missed the playoffs last season, thanks in part to star batters Comfort Septemberish and Denzel Scott being Elsewhere for a decent chunk of the season. A solid election has placed the Spies firmly in the fight for a very competitive Wild League. Stars like Alex Rosales and Comfort Septemberish are locks to set the league on fire, but if the Spies want to make a run at the playoffs in Season 15, they’ll need to see production from their fresh faces. Rookie pitchers Bennett Bluesky and Becker Solis have serious potential, and Spies fans are hoping for a breakout season from young hitters Jomgy Rolsenthal and Yrjö Kerfuffle. One things for sure, whether they claim a title or crash into Party Time, the Spies are certain to win. – Cowboy Moth
14: 🚤 Miami Dale [-2]
Season after season after season, the Miami Dale would end up at #16 on these rankings. Last season, BNN ranked Miami a few spots up, at #12. Take a Wild guess where the Dale finished in the full League standings? (Spoiler: it was #16, because Dale.)
The Season 14 Elections were a mixed blessing. Miami regained original Dale hitter Logan Horseman, as expected. But then Beck Whitney was stuck by a stray Revoke Will. This means Miami may not have enough skill to differentiate itself from the rest of the Wild Low, which has become a bunch of pretty good teams separated only by tiebreakers. The Dale have the team to achieve their first playoff appearance this season – or they have the team to just miss the Postseason AND Party Time. – Luckey Haskins
13: 🌹 Boston Flowers [-3]
After a difficult battle the Boston Flowers narrowly made the Postseason in a photo finish last season. A rough election saw the Flowers suffer three downgrades, trading off Nagomi McDaniel, Glabe Moon, and Owen Picklestein for Castillo Turner, Schneider Bendie, and Parker Parra.
By no means is another Postseason finish out of Boston’s reach but the road ahead has gotten noticeably steeper.
Once again the Boston Flowers will have to rely on their in-season growth if they hope to escape the Wild Low battleground and enter the Postseason. – Kidror
12: 🏋️♂️ Tokyo Lift [+9]
Losing Quitter was a huge blow to the Lift in an emotional sense, but their lineup has never looked better. An infused Engine and rerolled Stijn will bring power to the middle of the lineup, although Seraph’s rerolled batting stats are unglamorous at best. Shadowing Val Hitherto, their weakest pitcher, should allow for more consistency. All in all, a gainful election for a swole team, but not nearly enough to come on top of Wild. – Spotter Pandora
11: 🔥 Chicago Firefighters [-4]
After a disappointing Season 14 which saw Chicago miss the Postseason for the first time since the Grand Siesta, the Firefighters made improvements to hopefully reverse that outcome. With an Infused Swamuel Mora, their lineup boasts a solid 1-2-3 with Goobie, Swamuel, and Reverberating Baby atop the order. Their rotation, much-improved since the Grand Siesta, now boasts an all-star pitcher in Gabriel Griffith.
Is it enough to get the Firefighters a crowbar (or fire axe) separation from the logjam at the center of the Wild League? It’s a close call, and even though they’re #11 overall in these rankings, there’s only three Wild teams ranked above them. It could come down to tiebreakers and which teams avoid bad weather, but the Firefighters should be able to force an opening into the Postseason. – Luckey Haskins
10: 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams [-3]
Hellmouth is still feeling the effects of Season 13, especially following the loss of beloved batter Sutton Bishop. After ranking second in Season 14 behind the Tacos in the Wild Low, Hellmouth made it to the playoffs only to get knocked down by the LA Unlimited powerhouse yet again. Another tumultuous election season also saw the Hellmouth somewhat worse for wear, swapping Sigmund Castillo for a far more shaky Eugenia Bickle, and giving star batter Nagomi Nava the less-than-stellar Homebody modification.
The Beams did manage to keep Richmond Harrison, a boon to their defense, but overall, coupled with a ravenously competitive subdivision and a still-lackluster pitching lineup, it’s frankly impossible to predict how Hellmouth will do. They’ve got a decent shot at the playoffs, but it would definitely be in the Beams’ favor to invest in some more Party Time. – Pandi
9: 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings [+4]
The Wild Wings have had solid showings the past several seasons, but their plans to improve the team have not always gone off quite as hoped. This time, the roster moves look a little more positive for the Wings: while shifting Cell Barajas into the Rotation previously missed moving Mullen into the Lineup, this season the Wings negotiated a successful swap with the Millennials for the Roaming Mags Banananana, shoring up a weak point in their Rotation with a pitcher who is projected to be a Rookie Star. This move also leaves space down the road for the Wings’ Rotation to slim down should Mags Roam away, letting Burke follow in the footsteps of Polkadot Patterson and Hiroto Wilcox in leading a four-pitcher Rotation.
On the offensive side, the Wings’ Lineup still leaves something to be desired, but the Infusion of Brock Watson batting behind Summers Preston promises a little more offensive punch than they carried last season. They also returned Eizabeth Guerra to the Mints for former Wing (and Firefighter and Crab) Joshua Watson, which may help bring some stability back to the core of their Lineup. The Wings may still have quite some distance to travel before challenging the Tigers for division leadership, but this is definitely a step in the right direction. Plus with Burke Gonzales on the mound, pase lo que pase. – Para
8: 🥩 Dallas Steaks [+6]
The Steaks finally shored up their pitching rotation in the Season 14 Election, moving ace-in-waiting Sam Scandal onto the active roster in place of beloved-but-struggling Kit Adamses. Combined with an Infuse of Ronan Jaylee, the Steaks have improved their average pitching rating by more than a whole star and no longer sport the worst pitching staff in the ILB! Conner Haley and Rai Spliff lead the offense, joined by S14 rookie Zephyr McCloud, who took over Scandal’s spot in the lineup. McCloud was a solid third power hitter for the team in Season 14, with 24 HRs and 61 RBIs, and was easily in the top 10 in Great Names. The Steaks scored 424 runs in Season 14, but suffered 421 runs against – if their improved pitchers can bring down the numbers for opposing offenses, they’ll be dangerous. – Mark Haines
7: 📱 New York Millennials [-2]
After making the playoffs in Seasons 12 and 13, including clinching the Mild High on the last day of Season 13, the Mills took a step backward in Season 14, finishing 49-50, thanks in most part to the worst offensive season in team history. The Season 14 elections saw the Mills rebuild the bottom of their batting line up with the addition of Glabe Moon from Boston, with original Mill Schneider Bendie going the other way in the swap, and Mullen Peterson, previously a pitcher with the Wild Wings, in exchange for Mags Banananana. Adding Moon and Peterson will not only boost the offense, but the Mills defense goes from bottom of the league to above average as well.
The pitching will be anchored again by Theo Cervantes, coming off another career year, alongside Penny Matthews and Uncle Plasma. If the new bottom of the batting order lives up to its potential, the pitching stays steady, and team captain Thomas Dracaena has a bounce back year, the Mills could be a dangerous team. – Rhett Foluler
6: 🥧 Philly Pies [+3]
Recent seasons have been a rollercoaster for the Philly Pies. Since the Pies joined the Mild High division in Season 11, they have gone from the bottom of the division, to the top, to the bottom, to the top. By that metric, this should be another down season for the Pies, and there are certainly reasons to think it might be.
While superstar and veteran Pie Jessica Telephone is back, there is little reason to think that she’ll be a significant upgrade over Jode Preston, who has been a reliable hitter for the team. Telephone, on the other hand, is coming off the worst season of her career. Beasley Day’s improvement as a batter is exciting, but, barring Nerd Pacheco finally being unshelled, the Pies are looking at another season of their worst pitcher, Doc Anice, playing twice as many games as each of their superior pitchers.
There is plenty of reason for hope though! While the Pies’ improvement in the past election may have been small, a number of teams have taken a step back, including the Lovers, who suffered a number of unfortunate losses, and the Garages, who seem to be heading in the wrong direction after finishing last in the division this past season.
While I do not think the Pies will be playing at the same level as the Moist Talkers, Tigers, and resurgent Crabs, they should avoid the bottom of Mild High this season. If the Millennials continue to fail to capitalize upon their high star ratings and the Pies can continue to edge out the Steaks, Philly may very well repeat as division champ. – Phoebe I. Ellis
5: 🌮 LA Unlimited Tacos [-4]
As Ifhbiff so eloquently put it, first they Taco’d (got swept by the Crabs), then they Baco’d (got swept by the Moist Talkers). So long the league’s lovable losers, the Tacos finally made the leap with their first Internet Series appearances in Seasons 13 and 14, only for them both to end in perhaps the most Taco way possible. Adding insult to injury (or perhaps the other way round), lead-off hitter Halexandrey Walton received the kiss, nay, chomp of death from those brutal Consumers in the final throes of the series to provide an ominous warning of the offseason.
Swapping Sexton Wheerer off the mound, with a view to moving them into the lineup next season, to be replaced by Vito Kravitz could boost the rotation, but could be a lateral move. The infusion of Yummy Elliott might give the Infinite Cities a legitimate ace on the mound, while the Wyatt Mason IV rollercoaster will be eventful to say the least. Losing Valentine Games to a Fridays plunder is a huge loss, and can’t be understated. Greer Gwi–in is a capable replacement, but not at Games’ level. Losing their MVP candidate in a lineup that is already thin on the ground could be insurmountable, especially if the flooding problems continue. A solid pick for the playoffs, but their championship window may have, like Rat Mason, been swept Elsewhere. – blenjaminrees
4: ✨ Yellowstone Magic [+13]
Magic Goo, Magic really Goo! The consistency and structure that was build up from Seasons 12 and 13 really payed off in Season 14, making a 2nd place run in the regular season and 3rd in the postseason shocked the ILB world, as well as (almost) everyone here at BNN. One could argue, if Eiz hadn’t been sent Elsewhere, and Washer Barajas hadn’t been attacked by consumers in the Moist Talkers semifinal, we might have seen a Tacos – Magic Season 14 Finals.
There’s where we see a hole, sadly. Eizabeth is a massive part of the Yellowstone fielding operation, and without anyone to catch the few balls that do get dinked off star pitchers Curry Alliciakeys and King Weatherman, there’s a defensive shaped hole in the team, and a consistent but not explosive offence means run production can’t keep up with the leak. Expect this to be a consistently solid team when Eiz and Oz come back, thanks to a solid voting strategy for S14.
AS ABOVE, SO BELOW! – Dan
3: 🦀 Baltimore Crabs [-1]
Crabs good. Crabs bad. Crabs good again? After returning to the League to win their 4th championship, the Crabs seemed unstoppable. Then they were abruptly stopped. The Crabs’ disastrous 22nd place S14 finish can be mostly attributed to one thing: their batters Flinched, with no Fourth Strike to counter. Now thanks to a surprising election the Crabs roster includes a newly infused Tot Fox, a re-carcinized Nagomi Mcdaniel and a perplexed Alyssa Harrell. But is this bench deep enough to overcome a dead God’s curse? And how will Returned player York Silk’s Debt disrupt the Mild League? We have no idea, but we’re excited / scared to find out. – Josh (crabs twitter)
The S15 Crabs will be another huge experiment: can a team with the most Batting stars, Baserunning stars, Defense stars, and second-most Pitching stars (by 0.01) overcome the Flinch/Mild curse? Also: what does Debt do when applied to a batter? Now mix these questions into the division with the #4 and #1 ranked teams on this list. Science! – Luckey Haskins
2: 🐅 Hades Tigers [+1]
The Tigers came out of Season 14 bruised, but still standing. They managed to fill the NaN-shaped hole in their rotation, Infuse Mummy Melcon and receive a whooping 2% boost from Non-Dominant Arms. But 2% is 2%, and the Tigers are still the Tigers. Their pitching now has no weak spots, and even if Nicholas Mora suffered a Consumer attack and Matteo Triumphant an allergic reaction, their lineup is still more than solid. If one word has defined the Tigers through fourteen seasons, it’s “consistent”. That isn’t going to change, barring catastrophe: the Tigers are likely to cruise to a playoffs spot and have a good shot at finals. But will they be able to beat whoever comes out of the chaotic Mild side of the league? – Dargo
1: ⚪ Canada Moist Talkers [+3]
Fresh off the heels of their first Championship (after reaching the semi-finals for only the second time in 14 seasons) the Moist Talkers are the team to beat. While divisional rivals the Magic and Crabs look to be tough competition once again, the Talkers aren’t without improvement either. Cutting Bright Zimmerman has left the team with a sleek four-pitcher roster containing some of the most underrated pitching talent (and Dot), and Headliners, while a bit of a Monkey’s Paw it seems, has nevertheless concentrated the batting power into a Murderer’s Row that is sure to cause pitchers headaches. Add in the wild card of High Pressure and an unknown weather schedule, and the team looks even stronger – even if the Talkers lineup remains bottom heavy, a newly Infused Patchwork getting on base can turn even the least impressive batters into threats, and that’s before the Stars come out to play. The Mild Low is sure to throw off plenty of league predictions in this coming season, but betting on the Talkers remains a solid choice. – Para
There we have it. Hubris has been committed to the digital page, and we go into Season 15, whose theme is… LIVE BAIT?! Oh dear.