The Hades Tigers were crowned champions and evolved ahead of one of the wildest postseason and election cycles we have seen in the recorded history of Internet League Blaseball. With every team seemingly making multiple moves over the Gods’ Day break, our experts were hard at work parsing the information needed to bring you power rankings and the hottest of takes.
So with no further delay, let’s get to the rankings. Teams are ranked based on average votes from our panel (listed at the bottom of the article), and each team’s movement since our Season 12 power rankings is noted alongside the team name.
24. 🐌 Ohio Worms [NaN]
The Worms feel right at loam at the bottom of the power rankings, as they secretly want to finish last to get their Bottom Dweller buff. But there are still things to like about the four-time champions who re-join ILB after some time away: Augusta Chadwell and Pitching Machine make for a nice one-two combo of hitters in the middle of the order, while veteran Farrell Seagull will bring a great approach at the plate to a lineup that seems rusty after some time away from the field. The biggest issue? The pitching. This is one of the weaker pitching staffs we’ve seen in recent ILB history and that’s why this team will struggle to avoid a PARTYTIME speedrun.
23. 🔱 Atlantis Georgias [NaN]
The Georgias did not make any noise in their first election, choosing to use their Wills to improve their own team rather than go diving for players on other rosters. The result is a very unfamiliar group of players to ILB fans, but we are eager to see Mint Shupe and Rigby Friedrich take to the field, as both have very solid scouting reports. Expect plenty of scouts at The Bubble to start the season getting a look at this team and figuring out one of the more mysterious newcomers to ILB.
22. 🏋️♀️ Tokyo Lift [-2]
The election did not offer any game-changing buffs for the Lift, who enter the season as the first returning team to be ranked below 20 in our preseason power rankings. There is a core of a solid team forming, as Lance Serotonin is a very good power hitter and Coolname Galvanic is a rising star on the mound. There are just still a few too many weak points in this lineup that need to be pumped up with some PARTYTIME, Wills and Blessings. The Lift are getting closer, but unfortunately, they’re not looking like contenders in Season 13.
21. 🛠 Core Mechanics [NaN]
Of the three teams re-joining ILB after prolonged absences, the Mechanics have easily the best pitching staff, with veteran PolkaDot Patterson joining the team alongside Shadows recruit Zoey Kirchner and experienced Core player Torus McGhee. Like the Georgias and Worms, there are definitely some players on this squad who show the rust of a team not tuned up and ready for ILB action, but the Mechanics offer the most upside with their stronger pitching staff and the potential for the Fourth Out for their batters.
20. 💋 San Francisco Lovers [-11]
The Lovers underperformed in Season 12, lost Jaylen Hotdogfingers to a feedback swap, and lost Knight Triumphant to the Spies in a fairly one-sided trade. We still love Yosh Carpenter and Sandford Garner in the pitching rotation, but this team just isn’t adding any talent these days and will struggle to keep up in the hyper-competitive Mild Subleague.
19. 🥩 Dallas Steaks [-9]
Same can be said for Dallas, which simply did not make any moves that would help them keep up in a crowded and talented Mild Subleague. The Steaks will be pleased they kept their lineup in tact and didn’t lose superstars like Conner Haley, Rai Spliff, August Sky and Patel Beyonce, but there’s just not enough here to point to a surge up the standings in a Subleague now featuring the Crabs on top of the handful of teams that were battling until the final day for spots in the playoffs a season ago.
18. 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints [-4]
The good news: Hewitt Best moves to the leadoff spot and the Mints have a speedy star atop the lineup for the first time since Boyfriend Monreal was taken from them. The bad news: Jessica Telephone is no longer a Mint, meaning Marco Stink with a .845 OPS is now the best returning hitter from the Kansas City lineup. Sure, Joshua Watson swapping over for Telephone softens the blow a bit, but it has to leave a bad taste in the mouth of fans in Kansas City to see a superstar leave their team and not get a beneficial deal of their own this offseason.
Here’s what Paranundrox from SIBR had to say about the Mints: “While the team may have finally gotten rid of Pudge, they did so at the cost of two Wills and lost JT in the election, as well. On top of that, the return of the Crabs and the boosts to an already tight division means seeing them drop down substantially would not be surprising.”
17. 🌹 Boston Flowers [-2]
We are probably too low on the Flowers. Sure, they don’t get to plug Nagomi Mcdaniel into their lineup, but the superstar batter is waiting in the shadows … just in case. But the team did pick up an energized Cory Twelve, who scouts say has totally overhauled their game this offseason, and the batting order is full of solid hitters from Jacob Haynes to SCORES BASERUNNER to Margarito Nava. However, the pitching staff is a bit thin since Twelve replaces King Weatherman rather than supporting him in what would be an improved rotation, so there’s still some growing to do for the Flowers.
16. 🚤 Miami Dale [always]
We literally cannot help ourselves. We added more experts to the panel. We double-checked every ballot. The Dale always finish 16th in our rankings. However, I (Firewall Andrews) think the crowd is a bit too low on the Life of the Party. Beck Whitney and Francisca Sasquatch lead a solid batting order, with Logan Horseman impressing in offseason workouts following an Infusion. The pitching is solid, with Qais Dogwalker among the best in ILB and Sixpack Santiago a capable contributor. There’s still work to do, but this team is on the rise and could make some noise in Season 13.
15. ✨ Yellowstone Magic [+2]
The Magic climb two spots for the second straight season, slowly but steadily moving up the rankings as they add great players to their lineup. Chorby Short got a hitting upgrade while longtime rival King Weatherman joins the pitching rotation alongside Yellowstone veterans Inky Rutledge and Curry Aliciakeyes. The pitching is all there for the Magic, who just need a bit more from their offense to take the next step and battle for a playoff spot in a very tough Mild Subleague.
14. 🔥 Chicago Firefighters [-3]
Are we just bored of the Firefighters? Why did they go down in our rankings after finishing with a strong record in Season 12 and getting some positive blessings in the offseason election? The team saw a boost to its pitching during workouts ahead of Season 13 and that should serve them well in the Wild League that’s loaded with offensive powerhouses. There’s nothing fancy about this club, but shoring up the pitching just a bit and sending struggling hitter Declan Suzanne to the Shadows for some extra batting practice should keep this team in the mix for the playoffs in the Wild Subleague.
13. 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves [-8]
In an era of dominant pitching, the Flinch we see from Charleston hitters at the plate is just too much of a downside for an otherwise talented team. Some late-season partying and a surprisingly high-effort offseason of workouts has Tillman Henderson looking better than ever on the mound, while Pudge Nakatomo joins to give the team a batter that won’t watch the first strike go by every. single. time. There’s upside here, but in a stacked Mild Subleague, we can’t trust the Thieves to go much higher than the middle of the pack.
12. 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings [+7]
The Wings made a major splash in the offseason, adding Jessica Telephone to their roster and moving Cell Barajas to the pitching rotation. These moves improve the Wings quite a bit, and they were already very solid with the incredible Burke Gonzales leading the way on the mound. The batting order has a few too many holes to call this team a true contender, but don’t be surprised if the Wings are making noise in the playoffs as a top four team and not a Wild Card in Season 13.
SIBR’s Paranundrox had this to say about the Wings: “They started out strong last season, and while they ultimately struggled (in part due to a number of late season games against the Tigers), swapping Cell Barajas into their rotation buffs an already absurd cast, and JT in the lineup gives them a jolt of power that can help end those 14 inning games at 1-0 a little sooner.”
11. 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands [+2]
Armed with Fourth Strike and a solid pitching staff, the Jazz Hands are another strong contender to claim one of the playoff spots in the Wild Subleague this season. Tamara Crankit has improved and should help set the table as the leadoff hitter in Season 13, while Wyatt Pothos is arguably the best pitcher in the entire league. But the rest of the pitching staff is good, but not great, and the batting order isn’t all on the same page just yet. This team is heading in the right direction.
10. 🕵 Houston Spies [-4]
Adding Knight Triumphant to the batting order while getting some improvements out of Sosa Hayes during offseason workouts should help the Spies sneak up on the Wild Subleague this season after a middle-of-the-pack finish in Season 12. The pitching staff didn’t quite live up to pre-Grand-Siesta expectations, and if they can rebound, the Spies will be [redacted].
9. 🥧 Philly Pies [+9]
Did we manage to underrate the Pies again? Probably. The underdogs from the City of Brotherly Love have some of the best batters in the league in Jode Preston and Jaxon Buckley, while boasting a solid pitching staff led by all-time great Elvis Figueroa. Both Ruslan Greatness and Huber Frumple have seemed improved during offseason camp at Tastycake Stadium, but there might not be enough improvement to fight to the top of one of the more competitive Subleagues in ILB history.
8. 🦀 Baltimore Crabs [NaN]
Get those claws back up, it’s Time for crab. The Crabs you know and love from seasons past aren’t entirely here, as many of the best players were sent around the league as Baltimore headed Up. But Forrest Best still leads a batting order that can run and defend very well … but might not hit that great. The pitching rotation is fantastic, led by veterans Brock Forbes and Adalberto Tosser and supported by newcomer Jacoby Podcast. Add in a fourth strike buff and it’s hard to not see this team challenging for the Mild Subleague playoffs in their first season back in the ILB.
7. 🏝 Hawai’i Fridays [+1]
The Fridays were solid in Season 12, leaning on a solid rotation of pitchers and the superstar bat of Nagomi Mcdaniel to finish near the top of the Mild Subleague. But Mcdaniel is gone and one of their aces, Jaylen Hotdogfingers, is Flickering and could leave the roster at any time, and the Fridays can’t control who they get back in that exchange. But for me, the loss of Mcdaniel is the biggest reason the Fridays aren’t higher. The run production just isn’t promising enough to trust this team with a top five ranking.
6. 🎸 Seattle Garages [-2]
A game away from a title in Season 12, the Garages lose their star Pitching Machine and wound up gaining a less-than-ready Alaynabella Hollywood through a series of complicated transactions that also saw Goodwin Morin move to the batting order. Morin seems like a dominant batter, to be sure, but the seven-player pitching rotation has too many weak spots for us to trust Seattle with a spot in the top five. There’s tons of upside here and fun players to watch, but they will need to tune things up a bit more to make a run at a title again in the near future.
5. 📱 New York Millennials [+7]
There’s just something about this team that draws in splorts analysts every season. To be fair, the Mills did perform quite well in Season 12 before falling in an upset to the Shoe Thieves in the postseason. Hatfield Suzuki joins the batting order while Uncle Plasma bolsters a much-improved pitching rotation, and Sandie Turner is looking as strong as ever following in the footsteps of ILB legend Thomas Dracaena. Can they get it done in important games down the stretch? We shall see. But on paper, this team is looking incredible heading into Season 13.
4. 🌮 LA Unlimited Tacos [+1]
Peanut Bong has retreated to the Shadows and Sexton Wheerer has been given an Infusion, virtually doubling the pitching talent of the Tacos in a single Gods’ Day. Yummy Elliott looks like a solid No. 2 pitcher behind Wheerer, while the batting order for the Tacos is as amazing as ever, and looking a bit faster after putting in lots of Wind Sprints during workouts this offseason.
While I, Firewall Andrews, ranked the Tacos first, as I think they have a nearly unstoppable offense and two fantastic pitchers, others aren’t quite as high on the club from the Los Angelii. Paranundrox from SIBR had this to say: “I feel like they’re in a more fragile state than it seems. With a two pitcher rotation, they’re one bad day away from ruin, and their Season 12 offense suffered drastically compared to their Walk in the Park Showing – a team batting average of 0.246 (OBP 0.285) is not the most promising, especially facing increasingly more boosted pitching staffs”
3. ⚪ Canada Moist Talkers [-2]
Surely losing a player like PolkaDot Patterson would doom any team, right? Not when you get massive gains from your batting lineup over the offseason and replace Patterson with a solid Doc Anice who, while not as amazing as the Squiddish Superstar, should hold together a solid pitching rotation that backs one of the best hitting lineups in the history of the splort. Fish Summer and York Silk are among the most talented players to ever step foot on a field, while Alston Cerveza and Eugenia Garbage are quite underrated and will make even more noise with their boosted stats. With Patterson still on board, this is probably our No. 1 team in our rankings. But without the Dot, we’ll settle for placing the Orb at No. 3.
2. 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams [+1]
Adding the best player in the league is a good way to keep yourself near the top of the BNN power rankings, and the Sunbeams did just that by picking up Aldon Cashmoney from their frenemies in Hades. Cashmoney joins Dudley Mueller in the most stacked lineup in Blaseball, while Sandoval Crossing leads a pitching staff that always does well enough to earn plenty of wins from this former championship squad. We would really like to see a bit more improvement to the pitching to keep them as contenders in seasons to come, but it’s hard to argue with that offense.
1. 🐅 Hades Tigers [-]
Our experts almost reluctantly ranked the Tigers first, seemingly lacking a consensus for another team to put in this spot. Some believed the Moist Talkers were ready to make the leap, while others thought the Sunbeams would earn their second title. Still others picked the Tacos as the first overall team, myself included, and the Crabs even got a first-place vote. But no one is counting out the Tigers, with the entire panel ranking them at or near the top, and the incredible pitching staff is a big reason why. Matteo Triumphant helps fill the shoes of the departed Aldon Cashmoney, but the pitching staff led by Hiroto Wilcox is the real star of the show here. This team is fireproof and ready to head into Season 13 to earn a fourth title and take another step in their evolution as a dynasty in Internet League Blaseball.
Thanks to our panel of experts from BNN and SIBR: Firewall Andrews, Benson “Nutty” Newton, Luckey Haskins, Frijoles Jones of Taco News Unlimited, Cowboy Moth, Joseph Ferrante (No Ichor on Youtube, #Dargo4 on Discord), Ifh-Biff, the Data Efreet (@BiffIfh on Twitter), TK from BlaseballPolls, Paranundrox of SIBR, Draywo from the BNN Discord, iliana of SIBR, Joey T. Badger and Dan of The Splorts Hub, Nago from the BNN Discord and Shadows Correspondent