Add us to the list of folks who didn’t expect the Mexico City Wild Wings to win the Internet League Blaseball Internet Series in Season 7. They started the campaign as the No. 16 club in our power rankings, and wound up defeating the preseason No. 5 Lovers to claim their first championship.
But the world of Blaseball changes quickly, and we learn and adapt here at the Blaseball News Network. That’s why, this season, we have even more experts coming together to create LITERALLY THE PERFECT POWER RANKINGS that will accurately predict exactly what will happen in Season 8.
Or not … but that’s the whole point of what we do. We try to have some fun, predict the future, and give fans a bit of a look around the league before the season kicks off.
The following BNN experts contributed to these rankings: Firewall Andrews, Patrick “Splorts” Caster, Forsythia Helltiger, Benson “Nutty” Newton and Sunny Umbrella. Each ranking comes with a short bit of analysis, and the expert who wrote that analysis will sign their initials at the end.
With no further delays … let’s get started. Listed with each team name is their change from our Season 7 power rankings.
20. 🌮 Unlimited Tacos [-]
There’s a chance this team loses 99 games. We have not yet heard word as to what ILB will do on Day 1 should the Tacos show up with no eligible pitchers who are not stuck inside giant peanut shells. And while we have seen players escape those shells in the past, it remains to be seen how quickly the Tacos will have a pitcher to send to the mound in Season 8 — if ever. Even with a pitching staff that’s surprisingly decent, this team has some of the worst baserunning and batting skills in the league. They’re destined for another long stay in Party Time! – FA
19. 🌴 Hawaii Fridays [-1]
Hawaii had a rough year last year, securing the lowest record in the Mild League, but the truth is they weren’t all that far off of their rivals. The recent acquisition of Aldon Cashmoney from the Jazz Hands will certainly boost the middle of their admittedly lacking lineup, and if York Silk continues his incredible rate of production then the Fridays might be able to contend with much of the league! The only matter of concern will be their pitching, which while not exceedingly poor, is not particularly strong and could hold them back even if they score. -SU
18. ✨ Yellowstone Magic [-1]
Yellowstone’s season will likely come down to whether their shining stars can keep up their stellar performances. Francisco Preston has been a long time all-star in the league and a real leader of the team, while Oscar Dollie and Annie Roland have emerged in recent years as real contributors. Inky Rutledge’s accomplishments were the talk of the league last season as they threw two — yes, two! — no-hitters in a single campaign. The Magic will need more out of their other players, however, if they’re going to keep up with the rest of the Mild Low. -SU
17. 🗣 Canada Moist Talkers [-3]
Though always my team of choice, this past season was not very good for the Talkers on multiple fronts. They landed in the bottom of Mild High, lost several key players in recent seasons, and with their star pitcher now shelled … they seem a bit worse off. However, the shells can be opened and Blaseball has a way of surprising us! This team is surprisingly good on the basepaths, and with their ace PolkaDot Patterson back out of their shell, we could see them prove us wrong. – PC
16. 🚤 Miami Dale [+3]
Last season the ILB champions came from the No. 16 spot in our power rankings. Can it happen again? The Dale picked up a very interesting blessing that gives the whole team “Electric,” or the ability to zap away strikes. Five Miami batters struck out 70 or more times last season, so this could be a huge benefit for the club. Former Flowers captain Beck Whitney remains the star of the club, providing solid output at the plate and stealing bases. Qias Dogwalker emerged as one of the top arms in the game in Season 7, but that’s the one area where the Dale need some help. With a boost to their pitching staff, they’ll be a playoff contender in no time. – FA
15. 🌹 Boston Flowers [-2]
I chose to write about the Wild Low teams because — apart from one notable exception — I am very high on their chances this season to overthrow the Wild High and make some noise in the postseason. That is certainly true of the Flowers, who racked up a ton of gains last season thanks to Enhanced Party Time. Using our in-house metrics, we estimate that Boston has the fifth-best overall group of talent in Blaseball, and while that needs to be proven on the field, we have high hopes for them despite this low ranking. Jacob Haynes is a going to be a household name across the immaterial plane in Season 8. – FA
14. 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints [-2]
The Mints had a really strong showing this past season and their overall stats were solid in Season 7. However, they really seemed to overperform their ability and will miss the leadership of Boyfriend Monreal. Against many teams improved by Enhanced Party Time, it’s hard to say if they’ll rise to the top of their division again in Season 8 … but we’ve been wrong before! – PC
13. 🥩 Dallas Steaks [-7]
Their past season was not their best and their pitchers are not known for their skill on the mound, but their overall stats are pretty solid and the Steaks have a strong lineup of batters. They might not be playoff contenders, but this is a solid team destined to finish in a middling position. – PC
12. 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-10]
My, what a fall from glory for the Breckenridge Jazz Hands. As of Season 7, they’re the only team to have never missed the playoffs. With the loss of the Fourth Strike blessing and Aldon Cashmoney — the final remaining piece of the offensive-focused lineup that took them to the Evil/Wild Championships 3 times in a row and earned a Finals visit — the Hands simply don’t have much going for them anymore. Their remaining offensive pieces did well in Season 7 in some positive categories (such as Kathy Mathews tying for 5th most triples hit with 23) and… some less positive ones as well (Collins Melon & Holden Stanton being 1st & 2nd place for grounding into double plays, Tamara Crankit being 1st in caught stealing). Even the historical bright piece on the pitching mound, Campos Arias, fell off hard in Season 7. Usually a top-3 contender in ERA with buckets full of wins, the only list that Arias cracked this season was home runs allowed, a top-10 board that also features her teammate Walton Sports.
Losing pitching ace August Sky at the end of Season 5 in return for Combs Estes (one of the worst pitchers in Blaseball). Losing Valentine Games and Comfort Septemberish in Season 6 to Feedback, only to have their one decent return in Randall Marijuana incinerated a few days later. Losing Nagomi Mcdaniel in the Season 6 election. What was once an all-star squad has slowly sunk to this: fodder for the rest of Wild High. – BN
11. 🥧 Philly Pies [-1]
Philly are about where you saw them last year, and understandably. They struggled to get going last season without their talismanic slugger Jessica Telephone for most of the season, limping to their worst record ever. With JT back for a full season, though, they might be ready to shake things up again in the Mild Low! They may not have been blessed by the gods in the offseason, but the improvements they made in Enhanced Party Time might make a significant difference in catching up to the Shoes and Wings in Season 8. -SU
10. 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings [+6]
Mild no more, the Wild Wings are back! Not only that, but they’re your ILB reigning champions. While they’ll certainly be riding the high of their incredible playoff run, they suffered the misfortune of being on the wrong end of the Champs in the Making blessing as a result, with their star hitter José Haley being traded to Chicago in the offseason. They still have two genuine aces in Silvia Rugrat and Burke Gonzales on the mound, but with other teams improving around them, they’re going to have to fight hard to stay on top. -SU
9. 🔥 Chicago Firefighters [+6]
The Season 5 Blaseball champs have had a rough fall from glory since picking up their crown, ending both Season 6 and 7 at the bottom of their division. The Firefighters haven’t exactly gotten worse, beyond losing ace Axel Trololol in the Season 5 Election to the Crabs. They just … haven’t gotten better as many other teams have improved. Even the blessing they won this season, Champs in the Making, resulted in them becoming only marginally improved. Turns out having three random players from an overperforming, decidedly underdog champion team in return for three random players of your own isn’t the best deal. There are bright stars for the Firefighters. They have a nice offense, decent pitching, and surprisingly strong defense, making them a well-rounded team. They’ll get to beat up on the poor Jazz Hands this season. They just lack the star power and consistency to compete with the likes of the Crabs, Lovers and beyond. – BN
8. 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams [+1]
I am on the record predicting that the Sunbeams will win the Season 8 Championship, and while we’re not going quite that far with this ranking, we are very positive about the odds of playoff Blaseball taking place in the Hellmouth in Season 8. A solid lineup led by Hahn Fox will certainly miss Mailk Romayne, now with the rival Spies, and a good-but-not-great pitching rotation figures to keep up the pace and keep the ‘Beams in every contest. Also, look for their shortened, eight-player lineup to pay dividends as they keep more high-quality hitters at the plate each game. – FA
7. 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves [-]
The Shoes had, by all means, a successful season! They won the Mild Low division, made it to yet another postseason, and furthered their reputation as one of the most successful teams in league history. From top to bottom, their lineup is well-rounded, centered on the powerhouse of Howell Franklin. Their rotation is solid, and Cornelius Games always impresses. While they’re probably not going to match up to the power of the Crabs or Millennials, there’s no reason they shouldn’t be contenders for the Mild Low division title yet again! -SU
6. 🕵 Houston Spies [+5]
The Spies boast one of the league’s best offenses and defenses heading into Season 8, headlined by recent addition Malik Romayne and do-it-all leadoff hitter and excellent fielder Reese Clark. They also get to play in a division that has all of its pitchers in peanut shells. We’re collectively very high on Houston for Season 8 and see them as a legitimate playoff contender, not just a Wild Low division winner — one of our experts even ranked them No. 1 overall. – FA
5. 🐅 Hades Tigers [+3]
Is Ascension on the way? After just missing playoffs this year, their lineup remains as strong as ever, with a re-energized Richmond Harrison at the top of the order! We could very well see them returning to their champion position for a third time. They’ll just have to avoid the misfortunes that really set them back in Season 7. – PC
4. 🎸 Seattle Garages [-1]
Holding out well in the Playoffs, the Garages remain a strong force leading into Season 8. Say what you will about Jaylen Hotdogfingers but she is still a star pitcher on a great contender of a team. Not to mention getting Oliver Notarobot adds another valuable batter to their side. If they perform like they did last season, who knows how far they might get in the next payoffs! – PC
3. 📱 New York Millennials [+1]
Built around a nucleus of arguably the best non-shelled hitter in Blaseball in Thomas Dracaena (0.341 BA, 140 H, 0.980 OPS) the New York Millennials offense is, well, borderline offensive. Following the Ooze blessing in the Season 6 election which boosted the teams power by 10%, this team of youngsters has the batting ability to pull themselves out of any situation. While they didn’t have the best finish in Season 7, we believe that this under-performing squad is set to realize its potential and bounce back in Season 8, especially now that one of their batters, Sandie Turner, has become Spicy. With the 2nd best baserunning ability in the Wild League (after the Crabs, obviously), and the strongest bats, this offense should be more than enough to overcome their so-so pitching and anemic defensive abilities. – BN
2. 💋 San Francisco Lovers [+3]
Fresh off a Season 7 Finals appearance, the Lovers’ squad continually turns nothing into something thanks to mastery of the mound. After winning the Headliners blessing this election, they now have Yosh Carpenter and Sandford Garner, two of the best aces in the splort, back to back in their Rotation. This vicious 1-2 punch of pitching power is sure to win the Lovers plenty of games that their only so-so batting and baserunning wouldn’t otherwise. However, with excellent pitching and defensive stars to match, the Lovers always have the potential to sweep any opponent. – BN
1. 🦀 Baltimore Crabs [-]
What can be said about the Baltimore Crabs that hasn’t been said before?
Since the beginning of Season 6, the Crabs have been the raid boss of Blaseball. The team accomplished an undefeated sweep of the Season 6 Playoffs and finished Season 7 with the best regular season record in the league (by 7 whole games over 2nd & 11 games over the 3rd). Only the pitching mismatches presented in the Wild League Championship kept them from another potential championship.
They didn’t win any Blessings this Season and lost Oliver Notarobot from the lineup, who had the 10th best OPS in the ILB at 0.964. However, the stats don’t lie. Even with the loss of Notarobot & when removing the two 6 star, shelled players from the lineup, the Crabs are simply 20% richer in stars than the 2nd best team in the League. What else do you need to know? – BN