SEASON 5: FULL SEASON RECAP

HOWDY.

SEASON 5 is finished.

Hey there everybody, Benson “Nutty” Newton here with another hot end of Season recap to go over the last 100+ Days. Sorry, I haven’t written one in a while, I’ve been busy with… other stuff. Without further ado, let’s get into the News.

THE ILB IS FROM CHICAGO

CHICAGO FIREFIGHTERS WIN A HOTLY CONTESTED POSTSEASON TO BECOME ILB CHAMPIONS

This Postseason was one of the most exciting that Blaseball has ever seen. Featuring eight Dynamic Teams on the top of their game, it featured fun events such as the longest game in Postseason History (23 Innings), which was an excellent duel between the Leagues’ two best pitchers (Moist Talkers’ Polkadot Patterson & Jazz Hands Campos Arias) before ending 3-2 for the Moist Talkers.

Ending in a thrilling full 5 game Series that went back and forth between the Jazz Hands and Firefighters, Chicago emerged victorious and are our Blaseball Season 5 Champion.

THE SEASON, IN THEIR WORDS

WE REACHED OUT TO TEAM REPRESENTATIVES ABOUT HOW THEIR SEASON WENT. HERE’S WHAT THEY SAID.

Despite being screwed by the democratic process again, the Millennials ran away with the Chaotic Good league for the third straight season (including a record-breaking 14 game win streak sponsored by BASETHIRST™).

When asked by his teammates how he got so jacked in the offseason, Wesley Dudley shrugged and quietly said “people change”. I

nheriting a -4 run Targeted Shame penalty for her shift against Charleston, Patty Fox reminded the world that Millennials thrive in the struggle and repaid the debt with interest, winning 2-0.

Thomas Dracaena served up so many grand slams that the Millennials have begun discussing opening a free diner on weekends.

And in the locker room, one word is on everyone’s lips as they look towards the postseason: “swords”.

– NY Millenials 📱

We have achieved so much and lost so much along the way. There are few pains so ecstatic as examining the cost of victory. We felt our losses this season. We took a step back from the top of the wins column. The toll of victory has transformed us from juggernauts to mere giants. We started the season in a melancholy place, losing more often than winning for the first few series. We steadied things out through healing, waking up from fugue states, and coming to term with new realities. The middle part of the season was classic Tiger’s ball, we hit a lot of home runs, kept close scores and won reliably. We may not be what we once were, but we’re still Tigers, we still Never Look Back and we still have an insatiable appetite for blaseball.

– Hades Tigers. 🐅 Hand Delivered by a Particularly Slimy Slug Wearing a Monocle & Tie.

The Jazz Hands started this season in a generally positive mood. While we were the targets of Targeted Shame, our Alternate Universe replacements generally helped the team. Kathy “Kath Math” Mathews was reduced by a Star in batting, but vastly improved in defense, while Campos Arias, formerly a 1-Star pitcher, was raised to 3-Stars. The old Campos famously had No Eyes, 8 Hearts, and Couldn’t Lose, while the new Campos now has No Eyes, 10 Hearts, and Can’t Lose. The team started with a disappointing early season performance. We were put against our archrivals, the Contemptible Moist Talkers, many times, and they frequently demolished us. The team was not dissuaded, and managed to turn our sorrow into determination, leading to one of the most impressive mid-season performances yet. At one point the team managed to maintain a 9-game win streak. In the late season, the team chose to conserve its energy, as we knew we were going to make it into the playoffs. While this led to a subpar performance, it was all in service of a greater cause: Making sure the Jazz Hands become the true Champions of Season 5. Notable performances this season include: Campos Arias, who literally did not lose a single game she pitched until Game 80, and topped the charts for most shutouts in the season, Aldon Cashmoney stealing 27 bases without being caught, Baby Doyle, an actual infant, hitting a Grand Slam, and Comfort Septemberish stealing home for the fourth time.

– Breckenridge Jazz Hands 👐

Ordinarily we don’t do too well in a season, but it was an interesting change of pace this season as we managed to be worse somehow. Truth be told we’re really not used to Alternate Jasmine Washington or Rivers Clembons yet, which has really thrown our team balance off. Between us, though, next season we’re going to come out swinging. Or rather, we’ll say that we’re going to come out swinging and then manage to get a worse record than the Tacos or something. We’ll see.

– Miami Dalé 🚤

We’re really proud of everything we at the San Francisco Lovers achieved this Season.

After meeting our new old friends and obtaining elbows, we kicked off the Season with an astonishing run of wins – most of which were against the Tacos. Our destinies became entwined and our hot streak continued, finishing in a new-high first in the Good League and joint first overall!

Special shoutouts go out to our new and improved pitching roster, Parker and Kichi for teaching us about tough love and captain Knight for reminding us about soft love.

We did our best, had fun out there and we’re ready to be the Season 6 Protagonists.

– San Francisco Lovers 💋

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Season 5 was the Horse Era, brought on by the complete dominance of Winnie Hess. The Season brought out Team’s first record >.500 and we *just* missed out on the playoffs after tying with the Dallas Steaks… guess *somebody’s* favor just so happened to go their way.

What will Season 6 bring? Looks like you’ll have to check out our Season 6 trailer to find out.

– Kansas City Breath Mints 🍬

The Moist Talkers had a fairly pedestrian regular season, playing leapfrog with the Jazz Hands in the early part of the season for the lead in the Chaotic Evil Division. On game 74 of the season, the Moist Talkers fell victim to Reverb, and the batting order was shuffled around. This change actually seemed to benefit them, however, as it put their best three hitters (Ziwa Mueller, Elijah Bates, and Workman Gloom) next to each other in the lineup. They finished the season with a record of 55-44 and claimed the number 4 seed in the Playoffs in the Evil Division. They went on to pull off a huge upset over the Baltimore Crabs in 4 games in the first round of the playoffs, before falling to their divisional rivals, the Jazz Hands in five games.

– Canada Moist Talkers 🗣

REVERB RINGS

IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS. IDOLS.

While Feedback changed the dynamics of Teams throughout the League in Season 4 and Incineration and Peanut Problems plauged Seasons 2 & 3, Reverb was a nice break from the more intense. Read more about the relatively light touch that Reverb Waves had on the Teams throughout ILB.

hardcore shuffling

By far the most common Reverb effect we observed over the Season was forcing team’s batting lineup and pitching order to be shuffled. This happened to the following teams:

  • Hawaii Fridays
    • Day 5
      • 2 Batters & Pitchers Changed Positions
      • Batting Lineup Shuffled
    • Day 30
      • Batting Lineup Shuffled (Again)
  • San Francisco Lovers
    • Day 8
      • Batting Lineup Shuffled
  • Seattle Garages
    • Day 21
      • Battling Lineup Shuffled
    • Day 92
      • Battling Lineup Shuffled… Again
  • New York Millennials
    • Day 27
      • Batting Lineup Shuffled
  • Chicago Firefighters
    • Day 30
      • Batting Lineup Shuffled
      • Pitching Order Changed
  • Philly Pies
    • Day 44
      • Pitching Order Changed
  • Houston Spies
    • Day 44
      • Pitching Order Changed
    • Day 78
      • Pitching Order Changed… Again
  • Breckenridge Jazz Hands
    • Day 65
      • Pitching Order Changed
  • Miami Dalé
    • Day 74
      • Sixpack Santiago Becomes Pitcher, Don Elliott Becomes Batter
  • Canada Moist Talkers
    • Day 74
      • Batting Lineup Shuffled
      • Pitching Order Changed
  • Unlimited Tacos
    • Day 82
      • Several Batters and Pitchers swapped positions
  • Baltimore Crabs
    • Day 103
      • Batting Lineup Changed

As you can see, Reverb has been a minimal effect, largely changing the possibilities of Grand Slams and Series Sweeps.

However, the major change that Reverb caused… well…

don mitchell Reverberates wildly

On Day 46, during a casual loss to the Underdog Hawaii Fridays, San Fransisco Lover’s Hitter Don Mitchel was struck with dangerous levels of Reverberations, causing him to now be permanently Reverberating.

It seems that Don will be Reverberating infinitely, lest somebody is able to heal him of this affliction. As long as it’s the case, Don will be able to occasional Reverberate right back to the plate after his first at-bat. Fascinating! In fact, Don was able to put this to good use, slamming a 3-run Home Run during the Post-Season on a Reverberating second at-bat!

MISFORTUNE STRIKES.

PEANUT ALLERGIEs, Feedback, AND INCINERATION. oH MY.

As is often the case, a full Season unfortunately brought a new set of unfortunate happenings to report upon. However, for an entire Season having passed, there are relatively few things to report!

peanut allergy.

On Day 37, Washer Narajas of the Yellowstone Magic swallowed a stray Peanut and unfortunately had an allergic reaction. This reaction halved all of their star rankings turning them into a shell (badoom psh) of their former self. How a bat and a hat caught inside of a geyser that once was an all star Blaseball Hitter swallowed a peanut, much less had a negative reaction to it, is beyond my own understanding. Perhaps the Commissioner knows.

Deep in the Internet Series Finals, Chicago Firefighters Hitter Declan Suzanna swallowed a Peanut and had an allergic reaction. However, Declan encountering this struggle during Game 4 was not enough to stop the Firefighters from conquering the ILB Finals from the Jazz Hands, picking up the championship.

in memoriam: Richardson Turquoise

On Day 40, a rogue umpire incinerated Yellowstone Magic Hitter Richardson Turquoise. Coming just Days after the allergic reaction of Washer Narajas, this was a great hit to the team’s performance and morale alike. A beloved cornerstone of the team, “Turq” will be missed and was replaced by the fresh-faced and eager Annie Roland.

in memoriam: Emmett internet

The Sunbeams lost one of their own on Day 91 of the Season, long after the team was relegated to Party Time. However, they did not let this loss stop the partying, as they quickly replaced Emmett with Sutton Bishop, a fresh face on the Blaseball scene.

feedback frenzy:

In what felt like a throwback to Season 4, there was a happening of Feedback Frenzy swapping on Day 98. Wyatt Glover of the Unlimited Tacos and Halexandrey Walton of the Yellowstone Magic swapped placed due to the odd and luckily less common effects of Feedback. Since this happened on the second-to-last Day of the Regular Season, between two Teams that were long eliminated from the Postseason, we’ll have to wait for Season 6 to see the true results of this happening.

THAT’S ALL FOLKS.

THAT’S THE END OF THE RECAP. THAT’S IT.

the commissioner is doing a great job.

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