Hosted by SIBR, written by BNN Staff
Sexton Wheerer is the most pitcher. No, I am not missing a word there. Sexton is the most pitcher having been the lone taco pitcher unshelled after the Snackrifice, and then Pitching Machine’s profitability shelled them as well. Sexton pitched every game of Season 9 and then every game of Season 10 only to get support from Peanut Bong and then Yummy Elliott in S11-14 until switching to hitting for the rest of his career.
Despite not pitching since Season 14. Sexton is on top of many a counting stat leaderboard.
Sexton is 1st in career:
- hits allowed
- innings pitched
- earned runs allowed
Top 3 in career:
- home runs allowed
- innings pitched
Are these good stats? Shrug.
It is undeniable that Sexton Wheerer is the most pitcher.
…doesn’t really have a stats case for the Hall in the slightest. HOWEVER. Have you considered. Let’s go through a short history of Sixpack Dogwalker.
Born out of the incineration of Thomas England, only to be catastrophically un-born two games later and then replace Thomas wholly and completely due to being saved by the wielder of the Microphone (Wyatt Mason), received a custom bat and custom pregame ritual because of it, became a Receiver a few seasons later, only ever Feedback swapped once despite being Flickering and playing in other Feedback games, played against Wyatt Mason X in Feedback twice right after the Wyatts were pulled through the rift, got echo tagged zero times despite that, continued Receiving mods from the Echoes as their numbers dwindled, Received Debt and beaned the other remaining Receiver with it, became the last remaining Receiver when that other Receiver (having been wimdied out of being Alternated) was incinerated the next season, got traded for Dot, wound up back on the same team as York Silk, pitched kinda badly, got placed in the shadows, was on the team at the same time as a replica York, and THEN we later learned that if you Alternate a Receiver it retrieves a Static player, replacing the Receiver wholly and completely.
Basically, they’re doing GREAT, and if you’ve got space on the ballot and you’re planning to send them out of the world the same way they came into it you might as well honour them for her sacrifice.
Also, Let Raf.
Gabriel “GG” Griffith.
Steaks, Fridays, Lovers, Tigers, Firefighters.
While GG has been around since the beginning of the ILB, they proved one of the true powerhouse pitchers of the Expansion Era. They managed a career ERA of 2.76, multiple shutouts per season, and a well-earned reputation as a strikeout artist even after the Ruthlessness nerf. Gabe ranks 4th in Hits/9, 3rd in Shutouts, and 9th in Strikeouts and Strikeouts/9. Also, 12th in career WhAT at 79.3.
As a batter, Gabe is no slouch either. Across 4 seasons, they had 1718 plate appearances and managed a respectable .28 BA, but a fairly impressive .95 OPS and an offensive WhAT of a respectable 16.3. They blasted triples into the outfield regularly and had two of those four seasons end with 36 homers.
But enough about stats, what has GG done? Well, in season 21 Gabe ate some delicious Soul Food, becoming second only to Chorby Soul in terms of sheer Soul, then got flipped Negative in Season 22 and became The Angel Gabriel, keeping Chicago afloat and out of reach of the ever-encroaching Consumers.
GG never managed to become plot-relevant in the style of Jaylen Hotdogfingers or PolkaDot Patterson, never achieved the same sort of acclaim as York Silk or Winnie Hess, but instead kept their beak to the grindstone and put up season after season of consistently great blaseball. Just don’t remind them that they have fewer rings than Mags Banananana.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Mags? Banananana? Aren’t they the bad pitcher who likes minions? There’s no way I’m voting for them. No way. Count me out.
I understand what you’re saying. And to be honest? I agree! Mags Banananana is bad at Blaseball, and if you’re voting based on the numbies on Blaseball Reference then you might as well skip this whole blurb, because there’s no way I can change your mind. Go on. Scroll to GG and go AWOOGA at their big numbers, or small numbers, or whatever numbers are good for a humanoid bird who somehow plays Blaseball.
Have they left yet? Yes? Alright. Okay.
Now that the nerds are gone, we can talk about Mags’ REAL strengths: what they represent as a player.
Mags is the luckiest player in Blaseball. They have won two rings with a team that literally had the opposite of the perfect roster and the Tokyo Lift. They are living the dream, helping the less fortunate, working as hard as they can every day to push their team to the top so she can make everyone else’s day just a little bit better. Mags is a pariah, a saint, the most generous person in Blaseball. They are Roamin’, they are towin’ two rings behind them wherever they go, but above all, they are kind.
They are also a freak of nature. I’m sure you’ve all heard the rumors by now about their many girlfriends, despite being (or arguably due to being), and I quote, a ‘lifelong minion fan’. Mags has Stacy’s Mom’d more players than Tillman Henderson, leading to a phenomenon that Mags fans (colloquially known as ‘Magsters’) have dubbed the ‘Mags Theoretical Polycule’. Surprisingly, many older fans are praising Mags for being so candid and honest about their romantic life. When asked to comment, Mags simply winked at the reporter and recited their phone number to the camera.
At the end of the day, Mags represents the Average Joe tuning into Blaseball every day at the end of a long hard day of work, hoping for a win. Mags is a person whom life has grabbed by the denim overalls and thrown several times across the world. By all accounts, they should not have had a career as interesting as they have. They have witnessed two incinerations, one Shelling, and was personally responsible for Nullifying the Tokyo Lift, the team she loved the most. And yet they have persevered, picked themself up, and kept playing.
We can all learn a thing or two from Mags. An old dog CAN learn new tricks, and hopefully that old dog can find herself in the big Hall of Fame in the sky, surrounded by friends, family, and of course, the Mags Theoretical Polycule.
Burke Gonzales is an original Mexico City Wild Wing who spent 18 seasons in the Rotation and a further 7 in the Lineup (with one season being split between the two due to fax machine/voicemail shenanigans). Burke is undisputedly the best pitcher in Wings history, and is 15th all time WhAT, 30th all time WhAT_IP, 31st all time ERA+, and 18th all time FIP+ (all minimum 1000 IP), all done without the benefit of Underhanded.
Burke was also remarkably consistent; of their 18 seasons with over 1000 PA, they had a below average ERA exactly once (Season 4), and if you account for the shambolic demonstration of “fielding” the Wings often produced, that Season 4 result drifts back above average.
I think we can all agree that those numbers are outstanding, and should cause you to vote for Burke. But, dear reader, I have a confession to make. Those aren’t Burke Gonzales’ pitching numbers. Those are Rafael Davids’ pitching numbers (see here). Please vote for Raf.
Burke’s pitching numbers? 5th all time WhAT, 7th all time WhAT_IP, 7th all time ERA+, and 2nd all time FIP+ (all minimum 1000 IP). Combined with his batting numbers, Burke has over 100 WhAT, and 11 of Burke’s 18 pitching seasons were in the top 10% of WhAT for that season. The only season during the ruthless pitching of the early Expansion Era that Burke did not have a top 10 ERA was the one he spent batting. Burke is legitimately one of the best pitchers Blaseball has ever seen, but don’t just take my word for it; people who haven’t consumed dangerous levels of Wild Wings Blaseball agree, from TUN’s Gloated series to the fine folks over at the Blaseball Analytics Co.
Y’all did a good job inducting Burke last week. You wouldn’t want him to be lonely. So, in his last week on the ballot, I implore you; Let Raf (into the Hall of Fame).
It’s easy to get lost in the over-competent morass of Mechanics’ pitching. When you’re all high ruth 5+ star expansion era exclusives, it can be hard for individuals to really shine.
Mindy Kugel formed part of ‘Pitch Perfect’, the S16 rotation that took the team to their first non-wildcard playoffs appearance (didn’t go great). An original Worm, traded to the Garages for Pitching Machine, who then Feedbacked for Jaylen Hotdogfingers to the Mechanics, Mindy was saved from 2 star lineup obscurity by being set up to take advantage of some solid natural pitching talent.
And they did good! Strikeout meta treated them well, though they did briefly reverb into a mech-typical batting career during S17 and the championship winning S18. Back on the mound S19 for arguably their worst pitching season, but clearly Mindy didn’t think much of a post strikeout world as they promptly picked up an Underhanded item in S20 and drove the team to their second ring.
Mindy remained an Underhanded superstar even after being alternated until S23 when they eventually faxed and immediately voicemailed onto the lineup. Never one to be daunted, they decided to tear up the basepaths (using the thus far neglected Blaserunning element of their Underhanded shoes). Mindy easily counteracted Magnified Subtractor Adelaide Judochop and became a bastion of a secretly rather impressive end-of-era lineup.
So what does Mindy have to say, after this tumultuous career? The 4th lowest career ERA certainly speaks volumes, though they are beaten out by the other Underhanded pitcher named Mindy. If you squint, lie, and cheat by ignoring the pre-alt batting season, they do have over 100 OPS+ and ERA+ (sadly they don’t quite make 100 OPS+ with S17/18 on the table).
Mindy Kugel is a player who took advantage of trends, of mods, of funny coincidences. And clearly it worked.