Hosted by SIBR, written by BNN Staff
José Haley was a batter on the original Mexico City Wild Wings line-up who, after their championship winning season, was traded to the Chicago Firefighters as a result of Champs In The Making. His time on the Firefighters was over almost as soon as it began, as he was incinerated in Game 36, which led to the debut of Goobie Ballson (The Wild Wings Legal Team require that I do not draw any connection between José and Goobie, or make any specific allegations including, but not limited to, the crime of murder). After acquiring legendary bat “The Mushroom” at the end of season 4, José became the first power hitter of the Wild Wings, posting an OPS of 1.040 in season 7 (5th highest of batters with more than 200 plate appearances, 176 OPS+) on the way to leading the Wings to their first and only championship.
For most players, being instrumental in one team’s championship run and then dying would be the end of the story. But José is not “most players”. José had one last game-deciding play in him, and it came at the expense of the Shoe Thieves and their player haunted by the ghosts of the past, Esme Ramsey. The Shoe Thieves, having qualified as the Wild Card for the Season 16 finals, were facing the Dallas Steaks in the Divisional round. Batting first in the 9th inning and down two outs, Oliver Loofah hit a two-run homer to give the Shoe Thieves a narrow 0.1 run lead. Esme took to the plate and then was overcome by the spirit of José, who promptly failed to swing the bat at 6 consecutive pitches; three balls, three strikes. This triggered Steaks’ pitcher Leach Herman’s Triple Threat, costing the Shoe Thieves 0.3 runs, and losing them the game. The Shoe Thieves went on to lose the series 3-2 to the Steaks, who went on to win the Internet Series.
Is José Haley a hall of fame player? Probably not. Better batters have missed out, after all. But José is one of a rare breed, that of a Wild Wings Discipline Era player who could hit the dang ball, and that deserves celebration.
As is tradition, we take this opportunity to remember the flame-grilled Wings: Miguel Wheeler, José Haley, Case Sports, Lawrence Horne, Aurora Blortles, Wichita Toaster, and Yong Wright. May their legend extend beyond their careers, their names be uttered with reverence and awe, and our memories of them be etched in stone.
Blaseball is a game about funny little guys. It’s a game about shrieking your favorite little guys’ names in ALL CAPS when they do something wild. It’s a game about random chance, bizarre outcomes, and finding new and increasingly spectacular ways to lose… or barely win. If you wanted to immortalize a player who truly encapsulates these things, who perfectly marries the fans’ twin loves of weird lore and weird numbers, who embodies the SOUL of Blaseball- well, you’d be hard pressed to find a better candidate for the Hall of Fame than Lowe Forbes. Forbes is iconic, infamous, insufferable, incredible. They’re a season 1 OG (original gremlin) who terrorized Breckenridge for 23 straight seasons as both a mediocre pitcher and, briefly, a mediocre batter. During their pitching tenure, they specialized in loading bases, relying on fielders, and orchestrating whiplash-inducing double plays. If Lowe Forbes was on the mound, you knew you were in for one of The Most Games Of All Time.
Their performance in the season 5 playoffs against the Tigers has become the stuff of legend; with only one star’s worth of pitching talent to their name, Forbes granted the two-time champs only two runs, even going scoreless for six straight innings. Games like this never became the norm for Lowe, but they came just often enough that you could never quite discount the possibility. For an iconic game on the *other* end of the spectrum, look to season 20’s Black Hole game against the Spies on day 58. Forbes bled runs for most of the game, aided by [REDACTED]’s Big Buckets, while the Jazz Hands’ lineup failed to gain much ground. By the halfway point, Hands fans were joking that Lowe was obviously going for the loop, and true enough, a Black Hole activation in the bottom of the 7th left the Hands ahead, 2-1. If Forbes held it together for two more innings, or Breckenridge’s batters could eke out another run or two of safety, they might make it to a win. Alas, neither was to be. In the bottom of the ninth, one out, score still 2-1, Lowe Forbes let through a 2-run homer for a Spies shame victory, final score 2-3.
In true theater kid form, Forbes’ main goal has always seemed to be keeping the audience on the edge of their seat till the end. Their final gift to the Jazz Hands was their dramatic exit from the team, being stolen from the shadows by Boston’s Phantom Thieves Guild in late season 23 and joining fellow season 1 Jazz Hand Campos Arias on the Flowers’ rotation. They are sorely missed by all in Breckenridge, except for its HVAC technicians, Hlome Depot employees, IT specialists, and Spears Rogers. Fans, Roamin’s, countrymlen, lend me your votes- I come to boo Lowe Forbes, and to praise them. Lowe Forbes for Hall Of Fame 2022 #ForbiusSweep
Engine Eberhardt is one of the best Expansion Team hitters. While at first glance their career OPS is great but not exceptional, ranking 33rd all time, that complimented by their fantastic baserunning made them an elite batter, easily top 20 all time. But let’s look at the specifics of how they did it: they are 16th in stolen bases, which is impressive considering they only played 9 seasons on normal size lineups. Almost 600 stolen bases in 4000 PAs (6.74 PA/SB) ranks 7th all time by rate, not too far from Collins Melon (6.5) and Forrest Best (6.4). They flew under the radar for a few reasons: they played for the Lift and the Steaks, both small teams, and they didn’t have many opportunities to steal more than one base: they were really, frighteningly good at hitting triples. Engine Eberhardt is the best triples hitter of all time. No player has hit more triples than them in less plate appearances; their rate was absurd, at almost one every 13 PAs. No one even comes close: Goodwin Morin is at 15.2, Workman Gloom at 16.2, Valentine Games at 17. Engine Eberhardt is a unique player with a fantastic history from relatively unknown teams: what could be a better fit for your vote?
Alexandria Rosales is maybe the single most important player in the history of the Spies and I say this without irony. We’ve had some players in the Hall already, but none have spent more than a few seasons on the team (Val Games, Knight, CV) and are not primarily known for “being a Spy.” I also think we’ve had some batters that are more notorious- ie. Fitzgerald Blackburn, enemy of the Worms. But Alex is, both lorewise and stats-wise, pretty much the Spy and a solid contender for best pitcher of Wild Low.
Let’s get Alex’s most obvious record out of the way: despite spending most of their time as a pitcher, Alex actually started as one of our batters and returned there due to voicemail/fax shenanigans in the late Expansion Era. This ended up paying off, as Alex had gained the Undefined mod but had not yet gotten Scattered. In Season 24, coming off being Elsewhere after Season 23 and full-team Scattering, Alex put up the Highest One-Season OB/SLG Of All Time at 1.439. Even beyond that, despite primarily being a pitcher, Alex has never been particularly bad at batting. In fact, Alex is one of the only 11 players with 100 OPS+ and under 100 ERA- for which they are ranked 5th. It says a lot that we did not immediately consider Alex batting a disaster even in the mediocre era the Spies had after our Season 20 Internet Series consumer chomps.
But none of you are going to put in a player off a funny batting record caused by a mod rather than raw stats. I understand. Which is why those are just little sprinkles on the ice cream cone that is Alex’s pitching career. Though rarely, if ever, a particular focus of attention, Alex quietly had one of the most successful and long-lasting pitching careers in Blaseball history starting when they began pitching in Season 7. This is most obvious in the fact that they have the 7th Highest Career Pitching WhAT, above Jolene Willowtree, Theodore Cervantes and Curry Aliciakeyes, all of whom have (deservedly) already made it into the Hall. Some of their other noteworthy accomplishments include the 10th Most Pitching Wins at 260 and the 7th Most Quality Starts at 251. I won’t pretend they had some ups and downs in their career (their overall career ERA is a solid but not incredible 3.32), but Alex pitched for the Spies almost nonstop from Season 7 to the middle of Season 22 when many other pitchers came and went in that time. I think it says a lot that Alex’s two best ERA seasons are Season 8, where they had a 1.98 ERA, and Season 21, where they had a 2.0 ERA- two very different times in Blaseball.
The Spies have a lot of great players, but I don’t think there’s one we’ve ever trusted to simply just be good at literally whatever we needed them to like we could Alex. Do you like players who are good at pretty much everything? Do you want to vote for players that have powered through Blaseball since Season 1? Do you appreciate a player who was one of the most consistent forces for winning in an entire subdivision, to the point that the Tacos apparently dreaded playing them? Do you just like angsty they/them sword lesbians? You should vote for Alexandria Rosales.
What can you say about Sandoval Crossing? Truly, how can one begin to talk about Sandoval’s contributions to Blaseball? To begin such a feat is a fool’s errand. Asking me to do this makes you a fool. I call you out, Boo Boo the Fool! Are you the first card in the major arcana? Because you’re acting like THE FOOL. Sandoval Crossing. Sandoval “Sandy” Crossing. You want me, a man, a person with a limited amount of seconds to witness, a finite amount of oxygen to inhale, and an ever decreasing number of heartbeats to have, you want me! a man! who will die! to write to you why Sandoval! Sandoval “The Situation” Crossing should be in the Blaseball Hall of Fame! Me! I can’t believe you! Are you the first stand introduced in Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Chapter 183? Because you’re THE FOOL! That’s right I circled it back around to calling you a fool! Sandoval! SANDOVAL! S A N D O V A L! There are so many iconic moments! So many! And I’ll tell you about them if I wasn’t a human being! This morning I slept through three alarms. This tells you three things about me-A. I have three alarms. B. I know myself enough as a person to know I’d need three alarms and C. I STILL MISSED ALL THREE OF THOSE BAD BOYS. And you want me? ME? Someone who needs three separate alarms to miss work? Shame. Shame on you. You fool! Do you want to watch a 1988 animated made-for-television film produced by Hanna-Barbera for syndication as part of the Hanna-Barbera Superstars 10 series? Yeah it’s a movie I think you’d like it’s called SCOOBY DOO AND THE FOOL SCHOOL! ENROLLMENT STARTS NOW! YOU FOOL! You think I can tell you about Sandoval’s stats? To interpret those wayward numbers like Hera crafting constellations from the stars? To create a tale of heroism, folly, and triumph like I am the muses singing through Homer? To turn numbers into words into narratives into persuasion? Do you think that anyone can do that for such rare, such pristine stats such as those that belong to Sandoval “The Big Time” Crossing? Do you share a birthday with famous Japanese actor Toshiro Mifune? Because you’re acting like an April FOOL! You absolute dingus! When I was told you wanted me to write a blurb describing why you should vote for Sandoval, you know what I did? I chortled. I sat in my BIG BLUE BEAN BAG CHAIR AND CHORTLED. “Write a blurb for Sandoval ‘Large Money’ Crossing? Surely this is a jest!” I said to myself, as I sipped coffee from my Garfield mug that is slowly giving me radiation poisoning. But now as I sit here, staring at the abyss that is Sandoval Crossing. It does not stare back. Yet I stare back. For Sandoval’s career is not just another mere collection of at-bats and pitches. It is not a jumble of plays, a grouping of wins and losses, a smorgasbord of ups and downs. It is a reflection. A reflection of myself. Yet when I look into the mirror, I do not see myself. I see someone else.
I see the fool.
I was the fool. Because I chose to write this blurb. And I cannot.
anyway sandy’s alright vote for them