(Compiled and Written by @Biffifh (Twitter)/ @Gizmo aka Ifhbiff (Discord), with input from AgentMoon, Beiju, ThePanda, and others)
**NOTES FROM THE AUTHOR: Season 3’s Los Angeles Tacos had two of the most defining moments in Blaseball happen to them: The Grand Unslam and the Wyatt Masoning. Thanks to Inside A Baseball, we have a pretty good understanding of what was supposed to happen. Instead, we got the Wyatt Masoning, and Infinite realities opened over Los Angeles.
But … infinity works both ways, right? If all the Los Angelii came to our reality, then shouldn’t there be ALTERNATE realities where this happened to the other 19 original teams?
Wyatt was targeted because he was the “least popular” player on the team, but we have no way of going back and defining the “least popular” player for each team. Wyatt wasn’t statistically the “worst batter” on his team, but he was close enough that we can extrapolate that for this exercise. Therefore, we found the “worst player” for each team (defined as the lowest batting/pitching rating, whichever was appropriate for the player’s role), made that player NaN, and applied the 13 changes to names for the rest of the team in order.
The rules, based on what happened to the Tacos:
1. Original First Name, New Surname
2. Original First Name, New Surname
3. Original First Name, New Surname
4. New First Name, Original Surname
5. Name Unchanged
6. Name Unchanged
7. New First Name, Original Surname
8. Original First Name, New Surname
9. New First Name, Original Surname
10. The 2nd to last consonant in the Original Surname changed to the last consonant in the Original Surname.
11. New First Name, plus the 1st vowel and last vowel in the Original Surname flipped.
12. Name Unchanged.
13. New First Name, Original Surname
Some rules & names didn’t play well together; in those cases, I went for whatever I found funniest. I also did this manually, much like the original Unmasoning … so if you find a mistake, I’m going to claim it was done on purpose for flavor.
This is a fun look at what could have been different. This… is nineteen ALTERNATE histories:
The Unlimited Breath Mints
It’s truly amazing that this is the first of two Hall of Famers who were the worst batter on their team at the time. It makes sense to me that the most meme-tastic team in blaseball becomes all about the Internet. We already have the first rule break here: with only one vowel, Winnie’s surname instead changes one vowel and I think it still serves her well.
The Unlimited Crabs
Tillman Oliver would probably use this as an excuse to try to get out of all their debts.
The Unlimited Dale
Boy, there’s a lot to unpack here in the Miamiis. The “Bong Rip” in this universe gives us a Susqaatch and jumps the number of Peanuts in the league from three to seven. Would that give The Shelled One twice as much power? Would the Hall Stars lose? We may want to revisit this particular ALTERNATE in more depth. But for now … ¡BONG!
The Unlimited Fartfighters
If there is one greatest regret from this project, it’s that we didn’t end up with Baby Butt. But you can’t tell me this team wouldn’t take on a very different personality with these names. Also, “Gaerru” may be the 2nd most cursed new name to come out of all this (you’ll know #1 when you see it)
The Unlimited Flowers
In just about any universe, Jacob Haynes is just a guy, ya know? On the other hand, ten thousand Dunkin’ jokes are ruined.
The Unlimited Fridays
Another team with a lot going on here are the Fridays. I think it’s nice that York and Nagomi both have the same surname now. Thomas England, of all names, goes unchanged. I don’t want to know what “Juice Heat” is. And, of course … my #1 pick for most cursed new name. “Mac Be Sassy?”. “Mc Bees Ace?” “ MC B. Sasay?” Currently accepting all artist interpretations of this Alternate Evelton.
The Unlimited Garages
Luis Townsend (Ruins Titles of Previously Existing Songs).
The Unlimited Jazz Hands
The first of two teams that seem to be more Capitalistic in their universe. “Sky” was one of the toughest decisions for me to change … I just figured there’s probably good skiing in Breckenridge.
The Unlimited Lovers
The Unlimited Magic
They can’t all be brilliant and hysterical, I guess. Retledgu is quite the name.
The Unlimited Millennials
It’s not until the Winning Lottery Ticket here that one notices how many nouveau riche sounding first names the Mills had at the time. Mclaughlin? Conrad? Winnie? This entire team transforms, possible more than any other, in this exercise. Trust me, there’s a part of
Staten Battin’ Island where they all have Bentleys in the drive. And you just know on this team, it’s pronounced “gar-BAJJ”.
The Unlimited Morse Talkers
It feels like every ALTERNATE universe I visit, I’m somehow messing with PDP (or as she’s known to her fans here … E*) And can you imagine how annoying it must be in this team’s chat? Dash Dash Dash, Dash Dash, Dash Dash Dot!
*(I’m just gonna leave this joke here, unexplained. If you figure it out, good job.)
The Unlimited Pies
There’s an ECW/Dudley Boyz/pro wrestling joke here somewhere (especially since it’s Philly), but I can’t quite put my finger on it. “KEVINS! GET THE TABLES?” Feel free to send me your better jokes via Discord or Twitter.
The Unlimited Shoe T’ieves
A’postrophes are ev’ry’wh’ere in da In’finite C’har’lottes.
The Approximately Unlimited sPis
I may have leaned too far into the joke on this one. See how long it takes until you find my extra intentional “typo”.
The Unlimited Steaks
The other future Hall of Famer contributes their name to the Haley’s Cometing. At least Sebastian keeps to keep his famous surname in this universe (spoiler: his sister doesn’t fare as well)
The Unlimited Sunbeams
Of all the “worst players” identified for this project, Lars Taylor was the worst of the worst. “No Stars Lars” is probably the closest player to our NaN, in terms of how they were portrayed and loved despite their limitations.
The Unlimited Tigers
The other universe where it’s still a Masoning … a YAZMIN Masoning. I was waiting for this situation to happen, and it wasn’t until nearly the end that we got there, but … long before an Evil Twin, we would have had our first duplicate name scenario as Paula Turnip becomes Paula Mason. But Paula Mason also already existed at this time. Maes-two? I’m not sure. And once again, a Peanut avoids consequences.
And finally …
The Unlimited Wild Wings
Another big regret in this project is that we lose Cell Barajas to a much simpler variation. But at least we end our tour through ALTERNATE universes on a delicious note? Mmmmm … Unlimited Wild Wings.
Suggestions? Comments? Thoughts about better jokes? Or do you have a completely different idea for an ALTERNATE universe that you think would be worth exploring together? Please, bring the ideas to us, either via my Twitter or the SIBR or BNN Discords. I find the best parts of these articles are the discussions with others about how it can go. Flex your creative muscle and give it a try! You can’t do any worse than “Baby Butt” jokes.