TOTALLY OFFICIAL SEASON 15 POWER RANKINGS
Is it that time already? We’ve definitely gathered the votes, formulated hot takes, and are bracing for impact. Without further adieu, or open chicanery, here are our Totally Official Season 15 Power Rankings:
24: ✨ Yellowstone Magic
Right off the bat, the hottest of takes. It’s so hot, in fact, we had to make sure Streaming & Video Section Editor Dan was uninvolved with the Rankings. His strong feelings and alternative methodologies would not have resonated with the very specific rubric we applied to this list. Such methods are very clear: this is the spot where Yellowstone is placed.
23: 🏋️♂️ Tokyo Lift
The Power Rankings carry a lot of weight during a Blaseball season. Like, a ridiculous amount of weight. As such, we really need a strong foundation to hold up the rest of the picks above this one. Thankfully, the Tokyo Lift are here to power snatch the Rankings and hold them high.
22: 🎸 Seattle Garages
That Seattle Garages roster is such a mass of humanity. But that’s what their motto is all about, isn’t it? All the people… So many people. And hey all go hand-in-hand. Know what I mean?
Wait, no, I was thinking of “Parklife.” The Garages park it at #22. What is it? It’s it. Wait, no, that’s from a band from the next team’s city:
21: 💋 San Fransisco Lovers
It’s alive, afraid, a lie, a sin.
It’s magic, it’s tragic, it’s a loss, it’s a win.
It’s dark, it’s moist, it’s a bitter pain.
It’s sad it happened and it’s a shame.
You want it all, but you can only have the 21st ranking.
…okay, I’m done this time. Really. Because otherwise I’ll end up doing something silly like working Jessica Telephone into the lyrics of “Fresh Prince of Blel-Air.”
20: 🥧 Philly Pies
In all seriousness, the Pies made it to the Mild League semi-finals last season after narrowly winning the Mild High. With their offseason acquisition of the aforementioned Telephone, they look to stay atop the division — especially once Jaxon Buckley returns from Elsewhere. That said, they are the only alliterative team name in Internet League Blaseball, which means they come in at #20.
19: 🐌 Ohio Worms
I can’t help but think that the Worms would be ranked higher if they picked an actual city to play in. Cincinnati would be ideal, though Cleveland or Columbus would also have the Worms shoot up these rankings. So long as they don’t pick Toledo, which is practically Michigan.
18: 📱 New York Millennials
The Mills have such amazing players at the top of their lineup and rotation. You have Thomas “Tom Terrific” Dracaena leading off, while Theodore “The Franchise” Cervantes anchors the rotation. Both players have been stalwarts for the team, and really deserve to celebrate a championship with the Mills. Until then, New York is #18.
17: 🚤 Miami Dale
If BNN was a less reputable organization, we would throw our stringent guidelines out the window and just put the Dale at #16. But with the Tacos moving from “Unlimited” to “LA Unlimited”, Miami gets bumped down a spot. That’s just science.
16: 🍗 Mexico City Wild Wings
I went to visit the ILB concession stand to see if there was anything available to eat during the offseason. The Monitor was nowhere to be seen (likely trying on new hats). But on the service counter there was a selection of sixteen unbreaded chicken wings, each of which was deep-fried and coated (or dipped) in a different sauce. I thought, “Wow. Sixteen is the perfect number for Wild Wings.”
15: 🌮 LA Unlimited Tacos
I tried to replicate my food-based methodology for the Tacos, but something felt off after consuming fifteen of these crunchy delights. Turns out I may have overindulged. I vaguely recall going in and out of consciousness as an aggressive ska band was exhorting me to “shoot the moon.” I declined, because we’ve had enough problems with blaseball teams messing up celestial bodies. Ugh. No more using food to determine ranking.
14: 🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints
Well, after eating a couple big meals, I know exactly what I need.
The Breath Mints.
13: 🕵️♂️ Houston Spies
I’ve got to level with you. So far it’s just been me, Luckey Haskins, typing out these Power Rankings. I woke up in a room here at BNN HQ, seemingly unable to escape my confines. The only thing in the room with me was this list of teams, a laptop, and “figure it out” scrawled on the wall in crayon. I’ve been typing away until someone else comes in to add their blurbs. Not seeing anyone around. I’m not even sure how they arrived at the order of these rankings. Houston Spies don’t look out of place here, I guess. Tabula recta.
12: 🌞 Hellmouth Sunbeams
Sorry about that distraction. Need to focus. The Sunbeams, formerly of Moab, are listed at #12. We could point at the Season 11 championship, or the effect of their friendly rivalry with Hades (Tigerbeams forever!), when discussing the placement of the Sunbeams in these rankings. But the reality, the forbidden truth, is that the unintentional move to the Hellmouth after Season 1 seems to be the reason the Sunbeams are ranked this high.
11: 🌴 Hawai’i Fridays
The chewy nougat center of the Power Rankings is always the most difficult to assess and assign. These teams are all so close to each other. A quirky schedule, the luck of the Tarot Spread, a sudden change of weather– heck, even the difference of one letter could change everything from 10-13.
Speaking of, I’m really glad that if Juice had to come back Scattered, it was as “J—- Col-i–.” Because I don’t think I could handle —-e Col-i– after those earlier food shenanigans.
10: 🐅 Hades Tigers
The Tigers just haven’t evolved enough to take it to that next stage. If they could get past the first Base level, they could totally become the Asphodel Tigers, at which point they would shoot up straight to the top of these Power Rankings, hot as hell. Though some fans might react with Fury to such an attempt.
9: 🥩 Dallas Steaks
This is a perfect number for Dallas. I get that some like their Steaks to stay on the grill a little longer, but I like mine to be a perfect medium rare. We ought to take them off the grill right now, let them rest before we turn them loose on the Mild High.
8: 🛠 Core Mechanics
Power Rankings are a roguelike, really. At this point, I’m not sure anyone’s coming, so it’s up to me to get through the next seven entries without mistake, and escape this ridiculousness. Sure, it’s repetitive, but Repetition is one of the Pillars that holds up the Theatre of the Absurd. (That reminds me, “Godot” would be a stellar name for the Field of Eggs.)
While we’re here, do you think Lady Matsuyama’s “Homebody” mod will cause the Mechanics’ “Maintenance Mode” to proc at the start of every away game?
7: 🔥 Chicago Firefighters
The Big Onion comes in with a ranking that’s good enough to see the Firefighters in playoff contention. But if you wanted to make this not just a good ranking, but a great one? Sprinkle a little giardiniera on it, then wash it down with some Royal Crown Malört. That’s how you do it in Chicago, which is the location where we are all from. Because if they were the Deerfield Firefighters, we’d have to drop them down a couple spots in these rankings. Naturally.
6: 👟 Charleston Shoe Thieves
It’s been a while since my overwrought brain spit out a hot take, so let’s conjure one here about the Shoe Thieves. One of these mornings, they’re going to rise up unflinching, then they’ll lace their shoes and they’ll take the sky. Until that morning, there’s nothing can harm them, because they’ve been harmed far enough already. Stop it, blaseball. Stop it. This is supposed to be the Expansion Era, when the living is easy.
5: ⚪ Canada Moist Talkers
Congratulations to the Season 14 champions, the Canada Moist Talkers. You might think that, with all the teams improving around them, folks ranked Canada at #5 on this list based solely on account of their name. You would be correct.
4: 👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands
Is it folly to have the Jazz Hands this high in the rankings, after all the tragedy and poor luck that has befallen them? Sure, it might seem that way until you consider: few things are more powerful than a tragic tale. Now put it to some music you can really belt, and add some killer choreography. But wait! For some real elevation in these Power Rankings, it must be set in Breckenridge — few things reach the levels of a soprano hitting a high note at 9,600 feet (~3,000 metres).
3: 🌹 Boston Flowers
The Flowers grow every season, but this time they’ll scream into the playoffs and won’t look back. I can’t explain where this surety is coming from, but it’s definitely more than a feeling. They’re ready to take that next step, and there’s no need to cool the engines on their ascent to the top. Finally getting that championship would bring peace of mind to a fanbase that has been waiting a long time.
2: 🦀 Baltimore Crabs
I had a thing to say about the Crabs potentially sitting upon a throne of stars, but I got distracted by someone sliding down a pole from the heavens.
1: 🔱 Atlantis Georgias
From the heights of the opening paragraph, we have dropped to the depths of Atlantis. The Georgias are A-okay, in my book. Have you guessed the riddle yet, Alice? It’s less of a methodology and more of an orthography. And now, having ascended the alphabet as I descended the numbers, I escape this dungeon of words.
[Exit Luckey, pursued by a bear possum.]
There you have them! Completely official Power Rankings, not the fever dream of one writer locked in a room. We’re certainly not changing the title on April 2nd to avoid future confusion. Nope.
