Get ready for the playoffs, splorts fans! Here’s everything you need to know about the eight playoff teams in blaseball.
🦀 Baltimore Crabs
The best team in blaseball has the best pitching staff in blaseball. Montgomery Bullock, Axel Trololol, Adalberto Tosser, Brock Forbes and Finn James all have ERAs under 3.00 and 100 strikeouts on the season.This has helped the Crabs allow the fewest runs in blaseball. This is where the Crabs’ biggest advantage lies heading into the postseason: A rotation with no weak points.
The Baltimore offense is great, but not as amazing as the pitching. Forrest Best’s base-stealing and run-scoring skills are off the charts, and they just so happen to be optimally placed in the second spot of the order behind the also-speedy Tot Fox. Every player in the lineup is capable of clearing the bases with a home run, and while there are a couple of players who have less-than-ideal defensive capabilities, the team as a whole defends well for its pitchers.
This team seems unstoppable and appears to be well on its way to an Internet Series championship. If they fall short, it will be by self-inflicted errors or the will of the blaseball gods.
Best player: Forrest Best is a menace on the basepaths and has plenty of pop in their bat, as well. This is one of the most dangerous batters in all of blaseball with everything they can do at the plate and when on base.
Unsung hero: It’s hard to call anyone on this team an unsung hero, but Brock Forbes doesn’t quite have the star power of Axel Trololol, yet their pitching performances this season have been outstanding. Forbes has allowed only two walks while leading the team in strikeouts, and when you prevent a team from putting the ball in play and limit walks, that’s a formula for blaseball success
Question mark: Will there be something sinister waiting for the Crabs at season’s end? Blaseball is a fickle sport, so we never know what could happen … but really, it would take an act of the gods to slow this team down. They are simply too good.
Final take: This team is going to win it all. There’s really no doubt.
👐 Breckenridge Jazz Hands
Home to the best player in blaseball, Nagomi Mcdaniel, and the best pitcher in blaseball, Campos Arias, this team has undergone quite a few changes over the course of the season, and it has left the club in a precarious position entering the playoffs.
Mcdaniel and Arias alone will win the Hands’ some games, as Mcdaniel finished the season with a batting average around .400 and has extra-base potential every time they make contact with the ball. They’re also a capable base stealer, not that they’re ever on base for long, but they can truly do it all. McDnaiel leads the league in OBP and Slugging by a wide margin and fuels an offense that has rivaled the Crabs in scoring all season.
Arias literally did not lose all season, as the Alternate Reality pitcher limited home runs, avoided walks and kept an ERA low enough that their prolific offense could do the rest. Arias is not an elite strikeout pitcher, but they strike out more than enough batters to let the rest of their pitching arsenal make short work of opponents.
Mcdaniel and Arias have just completed what might be the most impressive seasons for a hitter and a pitcher in blaseball history … but will that be enough?
Best player: Nagomi Mcdaniel is the best player in blaseball and therefore the best player on the Hands.
Unsung hero: Tamara Crankit is the master of the sacrifice. They lead the league in the category and help Nagomi McDaniel score when they’re on base.
Question marks: Notice how most of this post is about Mcdaniel and Arias? That’s the worry for the Hands, especially as a pitching staff. With August Sky in Dallas, the other four pitchers certainly don’t keep up with Arias, and it will be a struggle to get through playoff series against elite pitchers when Arias is the only ace on the staff. The hitting is great, but Mcdaniel does bat ninth, and a good pitcher might have the bases clear for the superstar by the time they come up to bat. New addition Steph Weeks appears to be a solid batter, but it’s a very small sample size.
Also, does Nagomi Mcdaniel’s “Shelled” status bestowed by the Peanut mean anything for their skills?
Final take: This is undoubtedly a very good team, but having to go through the Crabs to make the finals puts them in a tough spot. Their imperfections will be exaggerated against such an incredible team, leaving them on the outside looking in when it comes to championship contention.
🥧 Philly Pies
Jessica Telephone made their triumphant return to the Pies and, thanks in part to a shift in divisions, the two-time champs are back near the top of the league.The underlying stats are not incredible for Philly, as they’ve allowed plenty of runs this season and have a great but not incredible offense, but they did spent the season beating up on teams in the supposedly superior “mild high” division.
There’s something very “Philly” about this team, led by Telephone. It’s scrappy, it’s fun, and it’s probably not quite as good as it seems and is bound to let its fans down in the postseason.
A look at the team starts with Telephone, who has over 80 extra-base hits on the season and would be the runaway pick for MVP were it not for the otherworldly performance of Nagomi Mcdaniel. That Telephone bats third is a perfect fit for the Pies’ lineup, so the slugger can constantly bat in situations with runners on base.
However, it remains to be seen how Telephone’s “Shelled” status will impact their play.
Best player: Telephone, obviously, but let’s also take a look at Eduardo Woodman. The ignition switch for the Pies from the leadoff spot in the order, Woodman has extra-base pop and a knack for scoring runs by getting on base for Telephone. It’s a great combo at the top of the order that often helps the Pies get out to early leads.
Unsung hero: What a season it has been for Betsy Trombone! The one-star pitcher has limited the walks this season and pitched to an ERA under 4, and paired with Elvis Figueroa to provide the pair of aces the Pies need to win consistently. It’s not a fantastic playoff rotation, but with some heroics from Trombone, it should be more than enough to get the Pies to the finals.
Question marks: Can the rest of the pitching hold up over the postseason? Is the defense good enough? This team can outslug any non-Crab team, but it remains to be seen if they have enough pitching and defense to win consistently when it counts.
Final take: The Pies are the Mild league favorites to make it to the final, but it’s not as definitive as it might seem. The Mild is wide open, but Telephone and Woodman should get the Pies over the line.
🐅 Hades Tigers
The Tigers did look back this season, charging out into the lead of the Mild High division but failing to pull away from the pack. The team is still loaded with talent but lacks a true superstar, and that might be a problem come playoff time when facing former teammate Jessica Telephone and the Pies.
It’s not all bad news for Hades, however. The pitching trio of hiroto Wilcox, Dunlap Figueroa and Famous Owens give the team a great chance to win in 60% of its games,with Wilcox and Figueroa especially limiting the walks this season and showing excellent command of the strike zone.
On offense Randy Castillo and Moody Cookbook stand out, but are unfortunately buried in the lineup a bit and don’t make as big of an impact as they could. Paula Turnip offers a lot of pop, but lacks great on-base skills, and is a tough fit near the top of the order. A lineup led by Peanutiel Duffy and Zion Aliciakeyes would be far more optimal for the Tigers.
Best player: That would have to be Wilcox, the ace pitcher with an ERA under 3 and an incredible strikeout to walk ratio. The Tigers will feel favored against most anyone on days when Wilcox takes to the mound, and for good reasons.
Unsung hero: Aliciakeyes is an on-base machine despite a relatively low star rating, finishing near the top of the charts in batting average and OBP this season. They pair up well with Castillo at the bottom of the order and can really give the Tigers a spark on offense.
Question marks: Is this offense good enough to compete in the postseason? The pitching certainly is, and we can probably expect a couple of vintage performances out the struggling Yazmin Mason to round out the rotation, but will the hitters put it together and slug the Tigers to the finals? It will be interesting if and when they come up against the Pies, as Philly has basically the opposite question marks, and it will be a battle of strengths and weaknesses.
Final take: Someone will give the Pies a run for their money in the Mild playoffs, and it could be the Tigers. I’m just not going to predict that, as I am not sure the offense is quite good enough.
🍬 Kansas City Breath Mints
I’ll admit it … I didn’t think this team would be good this season, let alone this good. The team definitely lacks in star power, but makes up for it with consistency across the board. Six batters have an OBP over .300 and every pitcher has an ERA between 3.50 and 5.25, with no true outliers in terms of good or bad performers.
That puts the Mints in a weird place heading into best-of-five playoff matches. Will they struggle to stand out against tough opposition? Or will they be well positioned to consistently challenge their opponents over a five-game series and come out victorious? Winnie Hess and Oscar Vaughn are great pitchers with a lot of strikeout upside, and Atlas Guerra might be the best of the bunch, so there will be three great chances for the Mints to win each time through the rotation.
Rodriguez Internet is an on-base machine while Boyfriend Monreal and Stew Briggs bring plenty of extra-base production to the batting order. And defense is not a weak point for this team, either.
So how will they fare?
Best player: That would have to be Guerra, a 1.5 star pitcher who finished the season with the best record on the team and the most strikeouts. A true overperformer, if the Mints make some noise in the postseason, Guerra’s continued solid play will be key.
Unsung hero: Hewitt Best doesn’t offer much by way of batting, but when they are on base, they know how to run. Leading the team in steals and scoring a healthy amount of runs, Best is a spark plug for the Kansas City offense
Question marks: Does this team have the starpower to take down the Tigers or Pies? It doesn’t seem like it on the surface. Winnie Hess is a talented player but doesn’t always live up to expectations, and the batting order is a roller-coaster of performance at times.
Final take: This is a team that could surprise and make a run to the finals, but it very much seems like a one-and-done roster. That said, we’ve been wrong about them before.
🎸 Seattle Garages
The smell of team spirit is rising in the Mild league, as the Garages made a strong run with their bats this season to charge into the postseason. Theodore Duende, Farrell Seagull, Lang Richardson, Oliver Mueller, Malik Destiny and Greer Gwiffin each offer above-average production at the plate, and while the team is a mess on the basepaths, they know how to come around to score.
On the pitching side, this is a typical blaseball rotation, with a couple of decent options (Arturo Huerta and Henry Marshallow) leading the way, plus the team’s win leader Tot Clark. But the other rotation spots are big question marks, not a huge surprise for a team that struggled to a less-than-winning record in its own division this season.
Best player: This team has a very balanced group of talent so it is hard to name one best player, but we’re going to go with Seagull. Batting at the top of the order, they get on base at a healthy clip and know how to come around to score when they do.
Unsung hero: Henry Marshallow allowed the fewest home runs of any pitcher in blaseball who pitched the full season, one of the reasons why a 1.5-star pitcher wound up with such a solid record and ERA.
Question marks: Is there enough star power and defense? This team has plenty of great players and real team unity, but can they stand out against top teams like the Tigers and Pies? That is truly the only question, as the foundation here is as strong as any team in the league.
Final take: If a couple of players can get hot and play on another level during the postseason, it would not be shocking to see the Garages make a run at the finals. That said, they could also lose quickly and fade into PARTYTIME if the pitchers stumble in the most pivotal moments.
💋 San Francisco Lovers
The Lovers should have had one of the best pitching staffs in blaseball, but definitely stumbled at times this season to live up to expectations. Still, their pitching and defense is the star of the show as they head into the playoffs, as they’ve allowed the fewest runs of any non-Crab team in the Wild league.
That pitching is headlined by Yosh Carpenter, a lead contender for pitcher of the year, and supported by Sandford Garner. Parker Meng has potential but has struggled this season, but we could see them turn things around in the postseason.
The offense is … an issue. Knight Urlacher is an on-base machine and Don Mitchell offers plenty of pop, but there are some real weak spots in this batting order. Can the Lovers score enough to win when it matters?
Best player: Has to be Carpenter, who was among the top pitchers in almost every category outside of strikeouts. When Yosh is on the mound, there’s no doubt that the Lovers are favorites in that game.
Unsung hero: Most of the players on this team are as good, or bad, as advertised, but we will give a shout out to Helga Moreno. One of two Helgas on the team with similar star ratings, Moreno had a fantastic season, posting double-digit totals in doubles, triples and home runs while striking out the least of any Lovers batter.
Question marks: Can this team hit enough to overcome the weak points in its rotation? If Carpenter pitches, this team likely wins that game, but otherwise, can they outscore other Wild league opposition enough to win a playoff series?
Final take: The Lovers don’t stand out as favorites in any way, but when you have a handful of stars, anything can happen. That said, it’s hard to see them toppling the Crabs.
🌹 Boston Flowers
No team is riding high into the postseason quite like these Flowers. An incredible comeback on the final day of the season capped off by a Moses Mason shame-inducing, game-winning homer against the Jazz Hands sent Boston to the playoffs against all odds.
So now, where do they go from here? The lineup is led by Jacob Haynes and Hann Fox at the heart of the order, and there are few true weak points on the batting side of things for Boston.
Pitching? Not quite as rosy of an outlook. Every pitcher on the staff had an ERA over 4 with three northwards of 5, so there’s no real ace to depend on in a big game.
If this team is going anywhere, it’s on heart and a rugged resolve after a very trying season in terms of weather events.
Best player: Hahn Fox replaced team captain and fan favorite Beck Whitney in a feedback swap and is doing a great job of winning over a new fanbase. Fox has power, speed, and can come up big in key moments.
Editor’s note: Flowers pitcher “Ace” Chambers Simmons let us know on Twitter that Firewall obviously overlooked superstar Jacob Haynes, who is one of the best dang hitters in the league. They even stole a base in the pivotal Game 99 comeback, a very rare sight indeed. Firewall has been shamed for his mistake.
Unsung hero: Dunn Keyes needs to reign in the walks a bit, but this pitcher can miss bats. Ranked among the best in the league in terms of preventing hits, and sporting a healthy strikeout rate, if Keyes can find the strike zone in the playoffs, they could deliver a clutch performance
Question marks: The pitching staff is suspect at best, and the lineup lacks speed on the basepaths. Can they scrape together enough runs to help out their pitching rotation?
Final take: To even make it here is magical for the Flowers, and they’ll hope to grow in the postseason. I don’t have high hopes for them, but as an objective observer of the sport, I would love for them to prove me wrong.