San Francisco Lovers Season 13 Recap

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by Jen Jenbles

The San Francisco Lovers had a rocky start to their season 13 – unlucky for some, they lost their captain and founder Knight Triumphant to the Houston Spies due to a curious case of wimdy, receiving strikeout star Morrow Wilson in return.

Discussions with the Spies were had. It was agreed that the exchange would last only one season, with the Lovers already pledging their coins and votes to the endeavour, thanks to the newly introduced in season 12 Wills system, but for season 13 it seemed Morrow Wilson was destined to take to the field in the pink. The 6% chance batter, was in.

Fans were devastated at first – Knight has been a cornerstone of the team since the beginning, and is a figure to which we all look up to. However, as Knight would want, we looked ahead. The addition of Liquid Friend was a true blessing, and the success of #GiveMiloABat gave fans hope.

As floodwaters rose amongst the ILB, the Lovers tasted what seemed to be their first immaterial disaster of the season. Don Mitchel – ace of the team, recently enhanced with pickle power thanks to the newly appointed food and beverage coordinator, followed suit with other flooded players and was swept elsewhere. However a true Don, always has a plan. Day 9 of the season saw Don reverberate back onto the plate after being swept to elsewhere, proceed to draw a walk onto first base and steal his way home, becoming the first player in ILB history to score while elsewhere. The Immaterial Crime Spree, or “The Elsewhere Job” as it has become known to Lovers fans was a welcome reprieve from worries about their captain, and continued to establish the team’s ongoing rivalry with SIBR (or perhaps even baseball itself). Don returned two days later, bases in tow.

Earlseason was rough for the team. While their rotation and defence remained ever solid, the loss of Knight Triumphant left a wide gap in their lineup. A gap opposing teams were all too happy to run straight through to victory. Luckily, something exciting was to happen. During the Earlsiesta reading the Judgement card, corresponding to the Lovers was pulled in the right position, blessing the team with Blase-dealing and ‘optimising’ the team positions. Players were now sorted in reverse star order permanently, but for this season would work through their lineup in reverse.

Don Mitchell leading off the lineup followed up by Lovers other stronger hitters really lit a fire under the team (metaphorically, of course). The team began racking up wins against the odds – sweepings teams like the Moist Talkers while they were at the top of their game. Fans cursed their stale, unused popcorn and thanked the monitor for wetzels for saving their bank balances.

The new midseason also bought us the breaking of ground, teams across the ILB began work on their home stadiums and the Lovers were no exception. Electing to build from a ‘Douglas’ brand prefabricated park, the San Franstadium (Locally known as the PolyHedron) was built. The team have since reported feeling safe and sheltered, with a hint of parapets.

Mitchell wasn’t the only San Franciscan victim of flooding this season. Team smokeshow and resident gorgon Ortiz Lopez made two trips elsewhere – returning scattered the second time but making a quick recovery. Rumours that Ortiz visited elsewhere for some alone time with new Worms batter Pitching Machine are currently unconfirmed, but let’s be real, are probably true.

Tragedy struck the Lovers once more upon Day 79. During an away game against the Hawaii Fridays, feedback was detected. Players were evacuated to the dugout bunkers, however star (and currently playing) pitchers Yosh Carpenter of the Lovers and Gabriel Griffith of the Fridays were caught and swapped during the wave. Never one to leave a task undone, nor one to leave friends and loved ones sad, Yosh gave Gabriel the game off – pitching for both teams in an amazing display. The Fridays went on to beat the Lovers 5 runs to 2 with Yosh on the mound, and Yosh became the first player in baseball history to both lose and un-lose the same game of baseball. Blagonball when, Parker?

The trade has since been confirmed, however reports indicate there are no hard feelings between the teams. We at the Lovers are certain that Yosh will find the chillest and nicest vibes over in Hawaii, and warmly welcome our new pitcher Gabriel.

Unfortunately for the Lovers, the loss of two key members during crucial points of the season was enough to prevent them reaching the playoffs. Finishing with a record of 46 un-losses to 53 losses, with a total of 46 wins, the team finished solidly middle of the pack in the Mild High Division. Don Mitchell received the Lovers internal MVP award after topping the blase-stealing charts for a third season running. Hold onto your blases folks!

To wrap up season 13, the election was held. The team overwhelmingly voted to return Knight Trumphant to their helm and were successful in that endeavour – sending Morrow Wilson home to the spies. They will be missed, almost as much as the blall was. The Lovers also voted to return Percival Wheeler, a founding pitcher for the team, to the shadows, giving them a rest for a season with the hopes of retraining them to become part of the lineup in the future. King Roland was returned in her place – though we’ve been unable to reach them for comment at this time.

Finally the weather report. It was wimdy. The Houston Spies once again fell victim to these high  speeds, trading fan favourite Fitz Blackburn for Yeong-Ho Garcia, former Yellowstone Magic & current Lovers pitcher. We’ve been unable to ascertain if this is related to Fitz’ current whereabouts and are eagerly looking forward to their safe return. Also to see what happens when they’re picked to pitch. Sorry SIBR.

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