Hosted by SIBR, written by BNN Staff et al.
The victory call of noted shapeshifter Vessalius “The Dairy Queen” Sundae is beloved in Ohio and despised elsewhere. Solo homer? One Scoop! Grand Slam? Four Scoops!!!! RBI single? We’ll call it a lil’ scoop. For the Worms, long-time slugger Vess has done it all.
Sundae began as the top Worms hitter and stayed there. They led the team in homers, RBI, and batting average their first season, and continued to lead the team in home runs every single season until the Blaseball Powers plopped them down as a pitcher in Season 24. For those counting along at home, that’s 11 straight seasons of powering the Worms through triumph and defeat. Seriously— there were seasons where Vess was the team’s ONLY bright spot.
By Season 16, Sundae was splashed across the league batting leaderboards, touching down in OBP, homers, OPS, and… others (cough Caught Stealing cough). They charted third in homers for Season 18, before the Worms’ bloated Lineup prevented stat accumulation. When Vess succeeded, the Worms succeeded— and that included 5 homers and a team-leading batting average in the Worms’ championship-series Season 23 postseason run.
It came as no surprise when Vess was called up to the Rising Stars— they had been THE rising star for the Worms since the Flood. And to fans of their rivalry, it was no surprise when the Dairy Queen decided to show Xandra Pancakes how it was done on the pitching mound for Season 24. They put up a team-best 10-5 record, and a better ERA than XanPan could manage. We don’t know if Vess will continue to pitch, and Worms fans may yet learn to call out “three scoops!” on a strikeout (yes, they led the team in those as well). Either way, Vessalius Sundae has been absolutely sen-snail-tional, and thoroughly deserves a spot in the Hall.
There is a great article for you to read here. But if you needed more, here is an interview with Macho Fran.
…Hall of Fame Week 9 at the World Wide Stadium, Miami. It’s a day that I’m certain my guest will not forget, I’m talking about the former Los Angelii Taco and Shelled Ones’ Pod, current Miami Dale, Macho Fran-cisca Sasq—
Nothing means nothing!
Nothing mean nothing, man.
Nothing means nothing? What do you mean by that?
I’m talking about all the way to the top, yeah. Unjustifiably in a position that I’d rather not be in. But the cream will rise to the top, ooh yeah. Macho Fran-ness, yeah, has got more to offer than Commissioner Parker MacMillian thinks that I got, yeah, and let me tell you something right now, cards stacked against the Macho Fran-cisca Sasquatch in Hall of Fame Week 9, let me say it, yeah, let me say it out loud, and let me point to the Commish of the Internet League Blaseball, the Macho Fran-cisca Sasquatch is not happy with your decision, yeah. I am the cream in the Internet League Blaseball and there is no doubt about it, yeah, you dear voters, you know that I’m the cream of the crop!
Well, wait— wait a minute though Fran, I’ve got to ask you very seriously, do you blame Parker MacMillian, the distinguished Commisioner of the Internet League Blaseball, for Rodriguez Internet being inducted into the Hall of Fame today?
Yeah, I do, yeah. Outside interference, yeah. In my moment of glory! Yeah, and now I’m living in a nightmare. And I am the cream. And now, not only the SIBR voters must induct me, the wider Blaseball voter base must! Because, yeah, I am the cream, yeah, the cream of the crop. And there is no one that does it better than the Macho Fran-cisca Sasquatch! On balance, off balance, doesn’t matter. I’m better than you are, yeah, and I’m talking everyone in the Internet League Blaseball, and I’m even talking to Commisioner Parker MacMillian, yeah. I’m on my way, and nothing is gonna stop me. Nothing’s gonna stop me.
You know, just out of curiosity, Fran, and I certainly don’t want to diminish your tremendous gods given talents, but I’m very curious. I haven’t seen Summers lately.
Yeah. They’re on the outside of the hall, do they get inducted? Yeah? Nothing, zero, pure athlete yeah and I’ve been, uh yeah, maligned from the top to the bottom and because they can’t handle the Macho Fran-cisca Sasquatch: the Cream of the Crop! Nobody does it better!
“Yummy Elliott, a childhood Tacos fan, is the best, most consistent pitcher that the Tacos have ever had, and I’m not sure it’s close.”
Yummy Elliott changed the Tacos’ trajectory more than any other player in League history. The Discipline Era Tacos were notoriously bad. They were so bad that charts needed to have a non-Taco version as the axes were skewed with our horrible performance and sheer lack of potential. This was a team which debuted horribly and got worse with many a yucky reactions.
So what turns it around? YUMMY REACTIONS ELLIOTT.
Yummy Elliott joined the team in Season 12 Elections. The Tacos, a team who have never won a game in the Playoffs in the entire of the Discipline Era, were now back to back Wild League finalists. With Yummy pitching, the team produced the best regular season record in the Wild League in Seasons 13, 14, 16, 17, and 21. But these are team stats— lets talk about Yummy themself.
Yummy ranks 6th in career WhAT among pitchers, ahead of them are projected Hall of Famers Winnie Hess, Dunlap Figueroa, Elvis Figueroa and two players who have the claim to “greatest pitcher of all time” Burke Gonzales and Michelle Sportsman. Yummy’s Season 19 performance in particular is notable with a 1.58 ERA— which was 3rd best that season, only behind Castillo Turner and Lou Roseheart. They had the best strikeouts per 9 innings, 6 shutouts in 15 starts and a perfect game against the Boston Flowers.
Yummy Elliot was most responsible for the Tacos going from being compared to the Cleveland Spiders to being a perennial playoff team. This is possibly the greatest pitcher of Wild Low. Vote for Yummy Elliott.
If you wanted to create a career average Blaseball pitcher in a machine workshop, you would end up with Kennedy Rodgers. This is, perhaps, because they were created in a machine workshop (though probably not to be merely average). Over the course of their career (seven seasons with the Wild Wings including their championship winning season, fourteen with the Firefighters) Kennedy (sometimes Kenny, occasionally K-Rod) posted a career ERA- of 101 and a career FIP- of 102. Their career high point was season 13, posting an ERA of 2.25 and an ERA- of 46.0, which probably would look more impressive if it wasn’t during the era of pitching dominance (of the top 10 ERAs posted that season, 8 were below 2.00, and the other two were PolkaDot Patterson and Qais Dogwalker).
Is Kennedy a hall of famer? Probably not. Better pitchers have already missed their chance for the hall (if you care about such things), and their career numbers are thoroughly disinterested in convincing you to give them your vote. But K-Rod is reliable; if you can score 5 runs, they’ll win you a lot of Blaseball games.