Swole at Heart: Tokyo Lift Dream Team

By: Pandora

Season 10. Election. A new challenger. The first since time immemorial. But… wuh oh! They’re bad. Really bad. Eventually they become… fine. Between bad and fine lies the Lift’s 14 swolest players. That’s right, it’s dream team time! 

As with the other articles in this series, this one must follow certain rules:

  1. There will be the standard 9 Lineup Players and 5 Pitching Players. Players cannot Elsewhere or Shelled.
  2. The Selection must represent a single season on that team in their role.
  3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
  4. A player can only be used once in the 14 positions.
  5. No Replicas are allowed.

In addition, this list contains a few players and seasons who aren’t “good” per se, but are still considered iconic members of the team (or at the very least, statistically interesting). This is a different philosophy than some other articles in this series, and is used to accommodate the limited pool of “good” players on our team. Also, some players have item mods if they spent all 99 days of the regular season with said mod. I’m actually not sure if other articles in this series did this, but I felt it was necessary. 

LINEUP

Season 14 Goodwin Morin (SB: 60 OPS: 1.061)

What do I even say about Goodwin Morin? 

Goodwin was good. She won. 

Often thought of as Seattle’s Dark Star, Goodwin was also a staple of early-to-mid-Expansion Era Lift. She spent three seasons on the Lift, and one of those seasons we almost even made it to the playoffs! Then wildcarded in anyway, because of course we did. Her first season was easily her best, though- she didn’t party much. 

Season 20 Gerund Pantheocide (BA: 0.353 OPS: 1.139)

Former co-captain Gerund Pantheocide was always a better batter than pitcher. Her first ever at bat ended with a triple off of the first pitch. She is number 3 on the all-time batting average leaderboard, not counting replicas. She refused Carcinization, then shamed the Crabs. she generated some of the first un-birds. She died and came back pitching. She scattered the Coin. Gerund Pantheocide, Misnomer, is not only inaccurate. 

It’s iconic.

Season 23 Engine Eberhardt (BA: .342, SB 115, 3B: 50, OPS: 1.145)

I literally just wrote 1000 words about this guy. Sorry.

Season 21 Knight Triumphant (BA/RISP: .422, HR: 20)

Knight spent their two seasons in Tokyo swinging for the fences. A replacement for Engine, Knight was more than up to the task. Beloved by just, so many teams, Knight had also sipped from Ayanna Dumpington in the early Expansion Era, making this a fitting “return”, so to speak, of talent. A dingers machine and a very, very competent cleanup hitter, Knight has more than earned their spot.

Season 23 Kline Greenlemon (R: 70 BA: .325, 3B: 38, OPS: 1.069)

Aside from Subtractor (and the mysterious dip of BA/RISP to near zero that it brings), Kline is just a second Engine. Not nearly as good at stealing bases, but similarly good at hitting and sets limself up to be batted in extremely consistently. With Outdoorsy, Lift is the best (or worst, with subtractor) team for Kline in the Wild (or Levil) League, and is only just barely beaten by the Yellowstone Magic overall. Solid all around, and filth studies show that Kline doesn’t even get worse in negative Grandiosity stadiums.

Season 23 Ankle Halifax (blaserunning item. BA: .320, SB: 51)

I feel the need to qualify this one. Ankle Halifax had a Blaserunning item for the entirety of this season, so I’m counting it as part of his performance. That being said: solid batting average and an extra 10.2 runs on top of whatever else he scored? How could I not include him?

Season 23 Theodore Honeywell (BB: 51, BA/RISP: .394)

Theodore Honeywell is bearloved in Tokyo for many reasons. Voicemailing into the lineup and immediately partying three times is just one. Teddy is a solid hitter, and although his baserunning is lacking, a single or a good walk sets up later hitters.

Season 23 Grollis Zephyr (BB: 73)

Grollis is Skipping. There’s no way around this. For seasons, the Lift attempted to improve Grollis, but it was never the priority. Then, Grollis Faxed out and Voicemailed in. Ze’s still not good, but Skipping… is a start. And we’re confident enough in hyr to put them here.

Season 11 Ayanna Dumpington (HR: 21, OPS: 0.788)

Last, and realistically least, is a blast from the past: breakout star Ayanna Dumpington wasn’t the best performing batter in Season 11, but she’s iconic enough to include. Ayanna’s batting average was perhaps sub-par, but she had almost twice the number of home-runs of the runner up. An okay last hitter representing our rookie season, the fans would riot if we left her out (even if she’s been in Hades much longer than Tokyo). Now that that’s done, onto…

Season 11 Wyatt Quitter (BA: what OPS: oh no)

Uh. Well.

I asked the ump if she could be here, and they allowed it. Well…

The Lift started with 10 hitters. It bent the rules then, it breaks them now. But Wyatt Quitter is an iconic part of our roster. It wouldn’t be a Lift dream team without her. Even, and especially, since they drag us down to their level.

ROTATION

Season 23 Silvaire Semiquaver (underhanded item. ERA: .46, SHO: 4)

Another asterisk. Silvaire had an underhanded item this entire season, so I count it as a part of her performance. She was an ERA leader that season, and easily might’ve led to our best season if not for the dead weight of Terrell Bradley pitching twice. 

Season 23 Domino Bootleg (ERA: 2.53, SO: 2, WHIP: .813)

Another ERA leader that season. An unexpected rise in performance, this season was a 3.40 dip in ERA from Season 22, and Domino and Silvaire together made a killer rotation. Unfortunately not much else to say about such an excellent pitcher.

Season 15 Coolname Galvanic (ERA: 2.68, BB: 1, WHIP: 0.695)

The Lift have a saying. ABC: Always Bet Coolname. As a low star pitcher, Coolname skewed the odds. With its high Ruthlessness, Coolname thrived in the early-to-mid Expansion Era, even though it’s a batter now. An early Infusion allowed it to dodge an alternation by less plugged in fans, and the seasons just after, 14 and 15, were easily the height of its power.

Season 14 Alejandro Leaf (ERA: 2.82, HR: 13 WHIP: 1.014)

A historically bad pitcher, Alejandro briefly thrived in Tokyo. With a signature, defense heavy style, Aly had less than one home run per game. Although she often let people get on base, she didn’t allow them to reach home, and really, that’s what matters. 

Season 20 Inky Rutledge (ERA: 2.66, QS: 15, SO: 5)

Inky’s time in Tokyo was something of a homecoming. Although she debuted for the Yellowstone Magic, she’s from the sea of Japan. During this time, however, she lost her beloved Blagonball to the Coin but otherwise laid low as a beloved but unremarkable workhorse on the rotation. Still, the Lift hurt for historically good pitchers, and if Aly Leaf got in, so does Inky.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here

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