Author: Todd Bonzales
After their first series of the season, the Kansas City Breath Mints were 3-0 and eyeing a return to postseason glory. This was not how things ended up going down.
Following their opening sweep of the Yellowstone Magic, the Mints lost 20 of their next 23 games, digging themselves an inescapable hole and ensuring they would be one of the first teams in the ILB to reach PARTYTIME.
The Mints finished dead last in the Mild League but got the lucky draw and a date with the New York Millenials in the Wild Card Round. Behind great pitching performances from Leach Ingram and Mooney Doctor II, the Mints shocked the world and defeated the Mills in three games before bombing out against the eventual champion Baltimore Crabs in an emphatic three-game sweep.
So what gives? Are the real Mints the ones who failed spectacularly in the regular season, or the ones who showed up against New York in the playoffs?
We need to dig a little into the statistics to know the true identity of this Jekyll and Hyde team. Kansas City suffered some truly awful luck in the regular season, finishing with a ghastly 6-24 record in games decided by one run or less. According to their Pythagorean winning percentage, which is based on the number of runs scored versus allowed, they were expected to finish with a record of 40-59, slightly more respectable than the 34-65 record they ended up with. This is still a team with a great defense and a solid pitching staff, but they were betrayed by their anemic offense in close games.
The Mints were able to parlay their rotten luck in close games into a much earlier PARTYTIME than they probably deserved, and several key players received permanent stat boosts. Leach Ingram took full advantage of the extended PARTYTIME, leaving a trail of empty mango Juul pods and Four Loko cans in her wake as she partied thrice. In her first two games post-Party, the newly souped-up Leach took no-hitters into the sixth inning, including a dominant performance against the Mills in the Wild Card round, and now looks like a pitcher that is actually capable of regularly hitting the strike zone.
All in all, the Mints were the beneficiaries of twelve Parties, including two apiece from Winnie Hess and Joshua Watson, and fans are excited about what that could mean for the team going forward.
ELECTION RECAP AND SEASON 14 OUTLOOK
Jessica Telephone is back in a Breath Mints uniform. One of the greatest hitters in Blaseball history returns to the Meadow after spending a season in Mexico City. Stew Briggs became a shell of her former self after eating a peanut in Season 12; she has been revoked and joins the Houston Spies as a Roamin’ player.
Somehow, Marquez Clark has rejoined the Breath Mints’ lineup and will bring his impeccable defensive skills back to the Meadow.
The Mints will miss the consistent production of Lenny Spruce, who joined the Boston Flowers in the convoluted trade that ended in the return of Clark, but overall fans are ecstatic about the results of the election.
Kansas City hopes that Jessica Telephone will help bolster what has been one of the weakest offensive units in the league. She will bat behind Hewitt Best and Rodriguez Internet in what is now a potent top-of-the-lineup for KC. Best is a ferocious base-stealer capable of swiping 50 bags a season, and Internet, despite reacting badly to a peanut last season, is still one of the league’s best at getting on base.
No doubt, the rest of the league is on notice as things appear to be looking up for the Breath Mints heading into Season 14.