The Ohio Worms haven’t always been the strongest team, but they have always been something since we started watching them after Season 12. But what if we put the best Worms performances of all time together to create one stacked super-roster of All-Worms? It might look something like this…
Editor’s note: As a reminder, these are the rules of the All-Stars Teams:
- There will be the standard 9 Lineup Players and 5 Pitching Players. Players cannot be Elsewhere or Shelled.
- The Selection must represent a single season on that team in their role.
- The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
- A player can only be used once in the 14 positions.
- No Replicas are allowed.
Now back to your regular article. -c
Scratch Deleuze, Season 24
This adorable/dirtbag opossum has put up some great seasons for the Worms, but Season 24 was the peak of that excellence. They scratched out a preposterous .380 batting average and .456 On Base Percentage, often drawing walks just to get out there. And getting on base was the primary goal, because Scratch stole the other bases at a truly alarming rate – nearly one stolen base per time she got on the basepath at all. It was not uncommon to see Scratch steal 2nd, 3rd, and home… before the next batter finished their plate appearance.
Combine Scratch’s 2nd-best OPS and Slugging percentage in the league with their 5th-most steals [all while batting on an 11-player lineup!], and Scratch has a good case for the best season of any batter in Season 24. That’s why I’d want Scratch to lead off any all-Worms roster.
Loubert Ji-Eun, Season 24
The Worms’ own DJ Solid had a bounce-back season in 24, looking to make amends for the let-down of Season 23 that saw the Worms fall one win short of a championship. That made it Lou’s 2nd-most Solid season yet, batting .310 with the most extra-base hits for any non-Scratch Worm.
But why this over Season 21, when Ji-Eun had a higher batting average and comparable extra-base hit numbers? Because after Season 21, the Worms successfully voted to Magnify DJ Solid. That means scoring double for all those RBIs when Lou can get Scratch across the plate. It’s a match made in slimy heaven, and an absolutely broken combination.
Dudley Mueller, Season 24
The Mlonster’s most recent season slightly pips Season 23, and a lot of the reasoning is the same as for Loubert. Dudley arrived Magnified, and had immediate potential for RBI after RBI.
Dudley batted .297 with a .955 OPS (and the 3rd-most homers on the team). With Magnification, that means Mueller is going to be sending a LOT of Scratches and DJs home twice.
Vessalius Sundae, Season 16
You knew they’d be here somewhere. The Worms’ best historical hitter had arguably their best season in Season 16, when the Worms turned up the heat in the Wild Low. At the height of the Ruthlessness era, Vess put up a season where they were 5th in Blaseball for homers, 5th in RBI, and 3rd in OPS. They were so focused on getting those extra bases that they lead the league in Caught Stealing, as well!
The Dairy Queen put up somewhat better numbers in Season 23, but they weren’t among league leaders, nor did they carry the team on their back in the same way as Season 16. So we slot in Vess where they’ve always deserved to be: the cleanup spot. Four scoops please.
Pitching Machine, Season 14
There have been many feast-or-famine, homers-only Worms batters. Millipede “We Have Luftoff” Aqualuft, Andrew “Soils” Solis, Cantus “Wait, Cantus Is Allowed to Get a Hit??” Hojo, among others. But no one embraces the Dinger-or-Die Worms better than famous batter Pitching Machine.
Season 14 Worms were bad, but PM was pretty good. They lead the team in home runs and sported a respectable .261 batting average. While PM’s stint on the Worms should best be remembered for 3 glorious postseason homers in Season 16, the Season 14 version set the standard on the field. For a bunch of Worms new to the ILB, the experienced veteran who had just earned two Worms Wills was the right machine for the spotlight. In the 5th spot in the order, PM is a perfect Mark McGwire-type power hitter to bring home the baserunners any time Vess hasn’t already done so.
Demi Suljak, Gamma 2 Season 2
The Worms, historically, have had a mighty struggle at the bottom half of their order. So why not call in some Worms from an alternate universe? Demi Suljak’s second season was the stuff that Beta Worms can only dream of: a league-leading .369 batting average, 2nd-best homers and 2nd-best OPS.
While Demi lacked the “star power” of the likes of Ooze Coen and Carolina Correct, they performed at a league-leading standard… something that even Vess has struggled to do.
Ephraim Ladd, Season 20
It’s really tough to slot in a Beta universe Worm here. Gamma 4 stars Jade Schweinsteiger or Annick McGee would fit nicely, and awful hitter but amazing fielder Cantus Hojo has their upsides, but let’s try and stick with the long-time Worms plan: let Dadd bat!
Eph never quite lived up to expectations as a batter, but outside of the “Big 4” hitters that took up slots 1-4 in the Worms’ order for much of their history, Eph is still among the best. When Ladd was finally called back to the big leagues in Season 20, they put up a tidy .253 batting average with 16 homers and 50 walks. It’s not flashy, but it’s positive, which is all the Worms really wanted for our spaceman. And at this point in Eph’s career, their defensive stats were comparable to Cantus anyway. We’ll call it a Golden Glove flyer and run with it.
Manu Hearst, Gamma 2 Season 1
With Manu Hearst, the Worms of our prime universe could have something they’ve always imagined: a reliable hitter late in the order. Manu’s .326 batting average is fantastic by Worms standards, and a team-best 31 stolen bases doesn’t hurt, either (although the 16 times caught stealing is Vess-adjacent).
Manu also walked at an astonishing rate: 143 walks in 99 games, good enough to push them to 2nd in the league in on-base percentage (even ahead of Demi Suljak! And behind a player with only 6 games played). That puts Manu in perfect position to be batted in by…
Lenny Crumb, Season 19
The Legend has always been stuck in the first spot in the Worms’ order, but here we can imagine them where they belong: slotted 9th, a tasty lead-in to high percentage batters at the top of the order. Always an extra-base threat, Lenny was 4th in the league in triples for Season 19, and sported a delightful .291 batting average.
Lenny deserves to be on this list based on staying-power alone, but it’s a lot of fun to imagine how this all could work in a real Worms season: Lenny lays down a triple to drive in Manu, Scratch walks then steals second, and Loubert bonks them home for 4 or 6 runs. A combo for Worms fans to obsess over if/when the new version of Wills drops.
Honorable Mentions: Jade Schweinsteiger (Gamma 4), Annick McGee (Gamma 4), Adrian Ellis (Gamma 2 Season 1), Jeffery Horne, (Gamma 3), Benji Charcuterie, Mindy Buck, and Magnus Plague (Peanuts – slightly different from Worms), Millipede Aqualuft (Season 23), Farrell Seagull (Season 14)
Xandra Pancakes, Season 18
XanPan was always going to be the ace pitcher on any Worms squad in contention (PM pitching speculation notwithstanding). Pancakes had spectacular campaigns in many other seasons, such as their debut with a 2.17 ERA in Season 15, but Season 18 was something else. XanPan went 21-4 with a sterling 2.34 ERA and went the entire season without walking a batter.
XanPan’s Season 18 was the final straw for a Worms team that was otherwise tanking for the Bottom Dwell – the Worms sent them back to the Shadows for three seasons. All because Pancakes was too good.
Patchwork Southwick, Season 22
Yes, Patchwork’s ERA of 2.04 is better than anything XanPan ever put up. But no, Patchwork would never usurp XanPan in the number 1 pitching spot.
Season 22 was a masterwork of Underhanded pitching, allowing Patchwork to put up better performances than usual… but this is Patchwork Southwick we’re talking about. Every game is a wild ride, and nothing is certain. It’s a real testament to the “quality” of Worms pitching that Patchwork takes the 2nd spot.
Rivers Rosa, Season 16
Rivers was a reliable presence in the Worms rotation for a short stretch, and had one standout season. A 16-9 record accompanying a 2.93 ERA were excellent by Worms standards. Rosa’s solid performance led the team to one of its best seasons to date.
Alas, Rivers couldn’t hold up and lost 2 games to the Spies in the heartbreaking playoff run. This was followed by mediocre campaigns, and eventual chomps and Shadowing. But Season 16 Rivers is deservedly an All-Worm.
Milli Rambutan, Gamma 2 Season 2
Several Gamma Worms had pitching seasons to remember, but Rambutan had perhaps the most statistically spectacular. “The Other Milli” put up a sterling 2.23 ERA, and while their 15-5 record didn’t quite match Leo Marzen’s 17-3 from the prior season, her performance set a standard for future Worms to try and match.
Jacoby Podcast, Season 18
Jacoby Podcast never quite lived up to their championship pedigree during their time with the Worms, but Season 18 was a bright moment. Jacoby managed a 2.88 ERA that was not truly reflected in a 13-12 record. Podcast only allowed 4 walks all season, which was scarcely noticed as XanPan went the whole campaign without allowing a walk. This kind of performance would have been sufficient to get the Worms over the finish line, in another set of circumstances.
Honorable Mentions: Ashby Swandre (Gamma 3 – Peanut), Leo Marzen (Gamma 2 Season 1), Oswald Sequoia (Gamma 2 Season 2), Khulan Al-Faraj (Gamma 4), Parker Meng (Season 23)
Scratch Deleuze (24)
Loubert Ji-Eun (24)
Dudley Mueller (24)
Vessalius Sundae (16)
Pitching Machine (14)
Demi Suljak (G2S2)
Ephraim Ladd (20)
Manu Hearst (G2S1)
Lenny Crumb (19)
Xandra Pancakes (18)
Patchwork Southwick (22)
Rivers Rosa (16)
Milli Rambutan (G2S2)
Jacoby Podcast (18)
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE
As any long-time Worms fan knows, some seasons you just gotta Worms Down. After all, if you’re not gonna win a championship, you might as well take advantage of that Bottom Dweller buff! So here’s a team of historic Worms who had the potential to single-handedly tank the Wormhole.
Stew Briggs, Season 20
Oh, Stew. Stew set the Worms’ record for futility in Season 20 with a memorable .086 batting average and all-around poor play.
Kichiro Guerra, Season 18
Kichiro really helped tank with a .139 batting average and only 13 extra base hits on the whole season, which was NOT compensated for by their decent defense.
Muse Scantron, Season 19
Muse was never a standout in terms of quality batting, but Season 19 was a true dumpster fire with a .151 batting average, only 2 homers, and no future prospects for improvement due to consumer chomps.
Farrell Seagull, Season 18
Seagull’s .149 batting average was a real low point in their long, storied career.
Cantus Hojo, Season 15
Cantus was always a contentious Worms Down candidate due to a high defense, but a dreadful .167 batting average was the worst, by a large margin, on a team getting close to contention.
Pudge Nakamoto, Season 23
While the rest of the Worms were reaching the pinnacle of Blaseball, Pudge stayed behind, batting only .190 with 3 homers in 65 games before taking a break in the Hall of Flame… and further extending the Worms’ non-transient lineup with 1 Scoobert Toast.
Millipede Aqualuft, Season 20
Millie had a season to forget, batting only .173 with 6 homers in their worst performance to date.
Ooze Coen, Gamma 2 Season 2
Yes, it was an alternate universe, but Ooze’s .047 batting across an entire season may well be the worst Worms bat in any timeline.
Katy Cornbread, Season 23
It’s not really Katy’s fault, but a .255 batting average was good for -20 RBI due to subtractor status. The -6 postseason RBI were a real bummer as well in a year where the Worms came one Win short of a title.
Honorable(?) Mentions: Susananana Portmanteau (Season 24), Tai Beanbag (Season 23), Ephraim Ladd (Season 22), Clove Mahle (Season 22), Chorby Soul IV (Season 21 – different kind of tanking), Igneus Delacruz (Season 18), Kaz Fiasco (Season 16), Scratch Deleuze (Season 14), Augusta Chadwell (Season 13), Tyrann Hyde (Gamma 3 – Peanut), Gabriel Chilly (Gamma 2 Season 1)
NaN, Season 14
NaN really nails this challenge, managing to go an abysmal 1-13 with a 9.32 ERA before swapping with the quite good Rivers Rosa.
Persephone Splotter, Season 13
Persephone was the masterpiece on arguably the worst team ever. They went 2-18 with a 9.21 ERA, allowing an astonishing 227 walks on a 5-pitcher team. That’s more than 11 walks per game! And a full 32 walks more than 2nd place that season, which was…
Ephraim Ladd, Season 13
Eph was just about as hapless as Persephone, with an 18 walk lead over the 3rd place pitcher (Worms’ Enid Marlow also made that esteemed Season 13 walks list in 4th). Ladd went 4-16 with an 8.54 ERA. Eph is one of 2 players to make both Worms Up and Worms Down lists.
Luis Acevedo, Season 14
Luis stirred up a lot of controversy among the Worms, but they were certainly a Worms Down force to be reckoned with. They went 4-16 with an 8.25 ERA and allowed 195 walks.
Rivers Rosa, Season 19
The standings went all wobbly, but Rivers understood the assignment from Worms fans going into Season 19, going 7-26 with a 9.70 ERA… and then winning a postseason game! Rivers is the other Worm to make both lists in this article, alongside Eph.
Honorable(?) Mentions: Honorable Mentions: Enid Marlow, Patchwork Southwick, and Wanda Schenn (Season 13 – great work team!), Patchwork Southwick (Season 18 – bottom of the roller coaster), Rivers Rosa (Season 21 – Worms spent 2 Wills just to send them to the Shadows), Rocio Caster (Season 24 – 5 horrible games), Esmeralda McCollard (Peanut), Yahya Jupiter (Gamma 4 – you had to be there)
The Other All-Worms
Stew Briggs (20)
Kichiro Guerra (18)
Muse Scantron (19)
Farrell Seagull (18)
Cantus Hojo (15)
Pudge Nakamoto (23)
Millipede Aqualuft (20)
Ooze Coen (G2S2)
Katy Cornbread (23)
Persephone Splotter (13)
Ephraim Ladd (13)
Luis Acevedo (14)
Rivers Rosa (19)
This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back throughout the history of Blaseball to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the rest of the series here.