Hosted by SIBR, written by BNN contributors

August Sky

August Sky joined the Breckenridge Jazz Hands in Season 3 as an incineration replacement, and instantly became one of the best players in the league. A near perfect natural pitching roll, August was a consistent presence on the pitching leaderboards in early Discipline, and famously dueled PolkaDot Patterson for 23 innings during the Season 5 playoffs.

Unfortunately for the Jazz Hands, August was also an incredible natural batting roll, and joined the Dallas Steaks lineup in the Season 5 election due to the Hit From the Mound blessing. August spent 8 seasons slugging in Dallas, where she was consistently one of the one of the team’s best home run hitters, especially after acquiring the Fire Eater modification in Season 9.

After a devastating Reverb, the Jazz Hands traded for August Sky in the Season 13 election. August under-performed expectations a little bit upon returning to the mound, but ultimately returned to form, and remained a bright spot in the Jazz Hands traditionally weak pitching rotation through the remainder of Expansion. August’s peak as a Pitcher in early Discipline was simply astounding – earning 12.2 WhAT over 3 seasons thanks to her excellent run suppression. In Season 4, August became the first player ever to post a sub-2 single season ERA. Her return to pitching in Expansion depressed her career pitching statistics from elite to merely solid, but they are still clearly Hall of Fame worthy. August earned 42 career pitching WhAT over 9948 PA’s with an 85.1 career ERA- and an 80.8 career FIP-. That ERA- is better than current HoFers Curry Aliciakeyes (85.5), Henry Marshallow (85.6), and comparable to that of some notable snubs like Cornelius Games (84.2) and Coolname Galvanic (85.6).

On top of that, her hitting career is borderline HoF worthy on its own – with a .280/.306/.557 triple slash over 3188 PA’s earning her a 131 career WRC+ and 17 career batting WhAT. Notable HoFers with a worse WRC+ include Hahn Fox (127), Comfort Septemberish (127), Boyfriend Monreal (125), Dominic Marijuana (123), and Rat Mason (121).

August’s lore depicts her as a bird (specifically a Stellar Jay), who frequently wears goggles and a mohawk. She caught on fire and became Magmatic when an umpire attempted to incinerate her in Season 17, which persists to the present day. At this point, she legally qualifies as a phoenix. Also, at least 1/3 of the Season 4 Seattle Garages admitted to having a crush on her.

June! July! August Sky!


August Sky is a sure thing. This was a common refrain among betters in early discipline blaseball as August was one of the most dominant pitchers of that time, with only PolkaDot Patterson and Cornelius Games putting up better numbers in terms of WhAT and NO ONE, was better than August in terms of ERA- across the first five seasons of blaseball. This is a discipline great.

August Sky is a solid hitter. As usual, this might get lost because most careers down in Dallas are often hidden to fans. August Sky was recruited to Dallas as the best pitching hitter in the league instantly bolstering their offense alongside Conner Haley. Only Lou Roseheart and Castillo Turner can claim to have had as consistent success in both aspects of the game as August’s 131 wRC+ over eight seasons in the batters box is one of the best among players with positive pitching careers.

August Sky is an incredible pitcher. In one of the earliest blaseball exchanges, August Sky returned to Breckenridge to pitch. While she was not able to return to TOP 3 IN THE LEAGUE levels, August was still able to rack up the wins and be one of the consistent lights out performers of the league.

August Sky is one of the best two-way players in league history.


Anathema Elemefayo

Anathema Elemefayo has the record for the most strikeouts in one regular 99 Day Season (Season 17, for those curious) of all time, at 375, demolishing the previous record holder, Caleb Novak, by 50.

As a batter.

After Ana’s Alternate, they became an adequate pitcher.

Within the splort of Blaseball, Anathema is not the first, second, or even five hundredth best player in the game. What Anathema is, is the New York Millennials franchise as a concentrated being.

Occasionally threatening? Yes, Anathema Piesbane has that.

Lets us down in the playoffs? Yes, the Season 22 Finals even, when Ana and Clare II stole two runs from the would-be Underbracket Champions, the Miami Dale.

An Alternate that mildly influenced the general Team? Yes, Anathema’s statline was shuffled around into a solid walker and pitcher.

Negative? You betcha.

Elsewhere causing the Millennials grief and hilarity in one breath? Lil’ Pitchy was born due to the Elsewhere Anathema’s Move to the Shadows in the previous Election.

A sheer name that the Fans in unison shouted, “That’s the most Millennial name I’ve ever heard.” Anathema Elemefayo commits to the bit.

Anathema Elemefayo is THE New York Millennial. Whether you should spend a vote or not, that’s up to you.

Clip Clipperson

Baby Doyle

Baby Doyle is the best, longest playing batter in Blaseball. Their career OPS of .955 is the 15th best among players with at least 1000 career Plate Appearances, the 7th among players with at least 4500 career PAs, and the #1 among players with at least 9000 career PAs. Baby Triumphant is the only other player with at least 9000’s career PA’s and an OPS above 0.900, and there’s is over 50 points lower than Doyle’s at 0.902. No one else with at least 9000 career PAs has a career OPS above 0.900.

Advanced metrics like WOBA, OPS+, and WRC+ all tell the same story. Every player who batted better than Baby Doyle played less Blaseball than them, and every player who played as much as Blaseball as Baby Doyle batted worse.

On top of that, Doyle was an excellent defender for the pitching challenged Jazz Hands throughout their career. RNG soothsayers in SIBR have largely cracked how The Sim modeled defense in seasons 12-15, and their findings show Baby Doyle was one of the best defenders in the league during that period. Defense has always been one of Doyle’s greatest strengths, even before they were an elite batter, so they’ve likely contributed a lot of value here as well.

Lastly, Doyle is the final remaining Season 1 Jazz Hand OG, and was central to our team’s lore, narrative, and strategy throughout the Expansion Era. They became the heart of our Lineup after we won Precognition in Season 8, and were the player we rebuilt out entire offense around after the devastation of Season 13. Collins Melon was the star in the limelight, but without Doyle batting cleanup for them, the show would have been a flop.

Doyle is the best player on this ballot by a considerable margin, one of the greatest batters of all time, and the greatest Jazz Hand of all time. Many greats have come and gone through Breckenridge, but none of them have contributed as much to the team as Doyle. They deserve your vote.


Rai Spliff

Rai Spliff is a champion.

How Champion are they? Well in Season 16, in the deciding game, the following things happen:

Rai Spliff hits a 2 run home run.
Consumers attack Rai Spliff.
IT DOESN’T MATTER because, again
Rai Spliff hits a 2 run home run to bring home the win.

This is a player who played essentially their entire career in Dallas, and has been the second best hitter on that team throughout, only behind Conner Haley (who is in the top 3 hitters of all time convo), and when Conner isn’t around, Knight Triumphant.

Rai did not have a season below average prior to that bite by OPS+ and wRC+. Leading to twelve supreme seasons including a phenomenal Season 16 which has her on the top 10 leaderboard for OBP and SLG and naturally OPS.

Rai is a top 50 player by career WhAT, and it is important to remember, the Steaks spent most of expansion with a 10 player lineup. (Sup Patel Beyonce)

Why haven’t you heard more about her? The answer is kinda the obvious one. Dallas is tiny.


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