By: Clip Clipperson
The Millennials managed to kill Sun 30, the Economy (All You Can Eat), and the Coin as part of the roving band of Rogue Teams from the Hall before getting swallowed by Black Hole(Black Hole) on Day 99 of Season 24. Not a bad way to go out! The Millennials received a handout of an extended credit from fiery benefactor Namerifeht and the Reader has promised that the New York Millennials will return! Though in what capacity, who can say. In the meanwhile, I have been tasked to submit an All-Star Team of Millennials.
When tasked with compiling an All-Star Team of Millennials by Roommate-Rival Panda of the Hellmouth Sunbeams, the following caveats were to be maintained:
- Team sizes will be standard. 9 Lineup and 5 Rotation Players. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
- The Selection must represent a single Season played with that Team.
- The Player must have played for at least one full season with that Team.
- A Player can only be selected once across all 14 slots.
- No Replicas are allowed.
The Millennials may not have achieved (Under)Championships, but have generally been perennial contenders in the Day 99 scrungle of maybe making it to the Playoffs with several other Teams. I submit to you, dear reader, the creme of the crop from New York:
Dominic Marijuana (S3) — 17 HR, 0.957 OPS
Thomas Dracaena (S3)— 86 R, 84 RBI, 1.083 OPS
Wesley Dudley (S3)— 10 HR, 10 SB, 0.958 OPS
Schneider Bendie (S4)— 68 R (so close), 29 HR, 14 SB, 0.903 OPS
These Discipline Era Mills are a solid core. Our former Captain and Hall Star, Dominic Marijuana, was a solid slugger, know for their many dingers over the edge of hovering stadium Battin’ Island. Thomas Dracaena is still a top earner of Runs for the Mills to this day, though many would say their best days were one of a select few natural five-star batters in the early days that we witnessed. Wesley Dudley and Schneider Bendie round out these selections as excellent base thieves and prominent hitters in their own right. If not for this core, and other early Mills, we may not have gotten to the Season 3 and Season 4 Internet Series.
Sandie Turner (S15)— 53 HR, 105.2 RBI, 43 SB, 1.203 OPS
A special mention of Sandie Turner, who in Season 15 earned the top record for most Home Runs in one season at the time. From a wimdy’d Hot Sauce Packet in Season 7 Elections to a win with Inter Xpresso in the Coffee Cup, Spicy and Perk made for a dangerous combo, and when Sandie Turner would get a Hit (and did), there was little that could stop them. If not for an unfortunate Consumer Attack during the waning days of Season 15, Sandie Turner might have been a Vaulted All-Star for the trifecta Economy. They made a recovery after a stay in the Mills’ Shadows (often cited as New Jersey) thanks to an energetic Voicemail, and should the Team remain intact in Season 25/12j, we’ll be happy to see Sandie Turner become Red Hot once again.
Andrew Solis (S15)— 32 HR, 65 RBI, 10 SB, 0.865 OPS
Hatfield Suzuki (S15)— 21 HR, 61.7 RBI, 40 SB, 0.822 OPS
Nandy Fantastic (S21)— 23 HR, 14 SB, 1.107 OPS
Beck Whitney (S23)— 29 HR, 110 SB, 0.985 OPS
The Expansion Era was largely unkind to the New York Millennials as a franchise, between an ever-changing Roster and a Sharknado hitting New York between Season 15 and Season 16 they only recently recovered from. That being said there was some quality talent in an Era after our Captain’s departure.
Former Spy and brief Worm, Andrew Solis, has been a notable defense against the elements as our Fire-Eater. Hatfield Suzuki, a Season 1 Shadow, debuted in Season 13 and became a fan favorite during their time with this organization as a reliable hitter, stealer, and skateboarder. Nandy Fantastic gaining the Undefined Modification in the Season 20 Elections showed us what the First of the Bloodhouse could really do. Finally, Beck Whitney as one of the best players in the entire League really showed their stuff with 110 stolen bases, and with her help, the Millennials made it to the Season 23 Overbracket! Without a Wild Card! With such a fast turnaround after the failure to Unwin the Underbracket Championship in Season 23, Beck’s role on the Lineup was an impressive one.
Theodore Cervantes (S15)— 16-1, 1.49 ERA, 5 SHO, 198 SO
Penelope Mathews (S15)— 11-5, 2.49 ERA, 156 SO
Patty Fox (S19)— 12-8, 2.35 ERA, 3 SHO, 149 SO
Castillo Turner (S19)— 16-4, 1.06 ERA, 10 SHO, 195 SO
Sandie Carver (S24)— 14-2, 1.69 ERA, 5 SHO, 122 SO
The Mills’ Rotation has been a routinely strong one in the Discipline Era; between Hard-Boiled detective Uncle Plasma, Underhanded Beck Whitney, and Homebody Attractor Chorby Short, it was difficult to select a Rotation of five. Theodore Cervantes, Penelope Mathews, and Patty Fox were a longtime trio of solid pitching for the Mills, with almost 15 combined stars among them. Castillo Turner, during an era of Too Many Parties, was a devastating pitcher for us, attaining an ERA comparable to record best human pitchers in our material non-bloodsplort. Sandie Carver has been a late Expansion Era star, and with a Literal Arm Cannon earned in the Season 23 Elections. In the style of former Breath Mints teammate and Hall Star Axel Trololol, Carver left their mark in the final Season of Blaseball Beta.
Anathema Elemefayo (S17)— 375 SO
An All-Star list would not be complete without Anathema Elemefayo. While they became a notable and solid pitcher in later seasons (oft referred to as “Piesbane” against our Mild High opponent Philly Pies), Anathema Elemefayo set a regular-season record of 375 strikeouts in Season 17. As a batter. Reader, thank you for letting us put our Trust in you, for Anathema’s Alternate Trust would then earn them a top ten regular Season walks of 59 at 10th place in Season 19.
Will the Millennials franchise attain sweet gold (or purple) when we return? Who’s to say, but I can probably guarantee one thing: the New York Millennials are definitely a Blaseball team.
This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here.