The Winning Streak: Hades Tigers Dream Team

By: Nyancy (nyancy#0413)

In the wake of Panda’s splendid writeup about the All-Star Sunbeams roster, the “All-Sun Sunbeams,” we Tigers fans got together to discuss our own take. With 24 seasons of history to look back on and a surprisingly concentrated list to choose from, what would “The Hades Winning Streak” look like?

Before we answer that, let’s reiterate the rules:

  1. Team sizes will be standard. 9 Lineup and 5 Rotation Players. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
  2. The Selection must represent a single season played with that team.
  3. The player must have played for at least one full season with that team.
  4. A player can only be selected once across all 14 slots.
  5. No Replicas are allowed.

These all make sense to me— this is The Tigers at their best, after all.

With that out of the way, I present to you, after a much-soirited discussion, the Pride of Hades, the “Hades Winning Streak.”

Dunlap Figueroa (S12) — ERA 2.17 – SO/BB 102 – WHIP 0.595
Hiroto Wilcox (S12) — ERA 1.33 – SO/BB 358 – WHIP 0.486
Famous Owens (S14) — ERA 3.02 – SO/BB 6.72 – WHIP 0.826
Yazmin Mason (S4) — ERA 2.35 – SO/BB 93.5 – WHIP 0.762
Mummy Melcon (S12) — ERA 3.5 – SO/BB 26.78 – WHIP 0.836

As the Tigers have always preferred, I’m focusing on our Rotation first. Each and every one of these players is a career Tiger, with the occasional stint out of town. Not many teams can say that about their best 5 player pitching seasons.

Dunlap and Hiroto were the core of the Rotation for as long as I can remember— understated juggernauts quietly seating the best of the Discipline Era and early Expansion Era. Hiroto was particularly impressive in Season 12, with their lean stat line pumping out strike after strike in the height of the Ruth Era. Notably, three of these player seasons are from Season 12— the dizzying height of Tigerdom on the backs of ruthlessly efficient pitchers, carrying us to Evolution and Blaseball’s first triple-dip since the Crabs’ Ascension two seasons and a Grand Siesta prior.

After these players are “Bloodlust Yaz” in their prime, and their own replacement Mummy Melcon— both instrumental in championship runs, with Mummy’s apparent stats somewhat lacking, but their performance in the postseason was nothing short of magic. Famous Owens is also there because we needed five pitchers and as much as I would love their Season 24 form in the Lineup here— they were better than anyone else we’ve had since. Their Season 14 was quiet, and as frustrating as ever, but competent. Every team needs a lightning rod for the fans’ ire, and Famous has always performed admirably in the role.

Lottie Ceilingfan (S24) — 69 BB – 0.393 OBP – 72 SB
Ayanna Dumpington (S24) — 0.312 BA – 0.958 OPS – 110 SB
Aldon Cashmoney (S18) — 43 HR – 41 3B – 1.247 OPS – 69 SB

The first and most important spots in our Lineup are the brightest stars of the Late Expansion Era Tigers. Lottie leads off, a late Postseason Birth and verified party animal with a penchant for skipping into walks. Their OBP is as high as any Tiger’s ever had and their voracity on the basepath gives plenty of room for… Ayanna! Aya came to us from Tokyo on the wimds of change, and they took their time. But they have Evolved to become a contender to the throne of our next batter…

Aldon Cashmoney. What can be said about Aldon Cashmoney that BNN’s own prior article hasn’t? A legendary base thief, GOAT slugger, and the living essence of style, I can think of no better to drive home our base-thirsty trouble twins.

Jessica Telephone (S3) — 0.322 BA – 1.025 OPS
Fish Summer (S3) — 0.312 BA – 0.961 OPS
Moody Cookbook (S5) — 0.303 BA – 0.941 OPS

Next up we have possibly the oldest of the old guard— a trio of competent historical legends, only one of whom made it to the end of the Expansion Era in top form. Jess’ Season 3 defined the Tigers’ Season 3, our first ever Championship title, with Fish Summer and Moody Cookbook the second fiddle sluggers. Of note is Moody’s Season 7, unfinished due to incineration but with stats that could have seen a truly landmark performance.

Paula Turnip (S18) — 0.297 BA – 33 HR – 0.970 OPS
Zion Aliciakeyes (S6) — 0.319 BA – 0.346 OBP – 0.845 OPS
Randy Castillo (S7) — 33 HR – 82 RBI – 1.020 OPS

Finally, we end the parade with three Tigers who are both near and dear to the hearts of fans across the ages and who recently left our active roster. Paula Turnip, of Stalk Market fame, was a quiet, consistent backup hitter with a good balance of power and speed, ready to take off at a moment’s notice to make room for Zion Aliciakeyes— a Season 1 stalwart until Voicemail exiled them, Zion’s zoomies and triples are the stuff of legend among old guard Tigers fans and their near-symbiotic relationship with our final cleanup batter Randy Castillo is a story greater than words. Randy’s career before Alternation was defined by a significant imbalance between standard Batting Average and Batting Average with Runners in Scoring Position, one of the most eerily self-aware player habits in Blaseball.

Evolved, Ascendant, Party Time hosts, and Coinslayers, if there’s one thing the Tigers don’t do it’s look back— but sometimes, in private, it’s nice to let yourself take just a little peek at what could have been.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *