Battin’ Island Renovated, Dude: New York Millenials Season 14 Recap


By: Clip Clipperson

Season 14 began like most other New York Millennials seasons. With a mostly intact Lineup and Rotation since about Season 7, Peanut Holloway and Mags Banananana joined the New York Millennials during the Season 13 Elections; Holloway in a trade for NaN, and Banananana wandering here of their own volition, both from the Chicago Firefighters (NaN ended up in Ohio via another Will firing that sent NaN to the Ohio Worms). Who were these two new faces? Let’s discuss.

Peanut Holloway, formerly Dan “Hollow” Holloway of the Philly Pies was called up to the SHELLED ONE’S PODS with former Mill Alejandro Leaf in a two-season event and Holloway landed onto the Chicago Firefighters Lineup, performing admirably. Now in New York City, Holloway was showing promise at the back end of the Mills Lineup, scoring a homer or two, then… getting swept Elsewhere almost immediately on Day 2. Despite these trips, they didn’t stop Holloway from scoring 22 home runs for the Mills this season, the highest among the team, over his nice 69 games with the Mills while not Elsewhere.

Mags Banananana is a more curious case. Called up from the Shadows of the Chicago Firefighters in Season 12’s Elections in exchange for recently decimated Lineup player Declan Suzanne after a nasty peanut allergy, Mags joined the Firefighters’ Shadows as a Season 9 Playoff Birth. Their batting performance for both the Firefighters and the Millennials was… admirable! With a Season 13 batting average of 0.192 and a Season 14 batting average of 0.150, Banananana was not necessarily helping the Mills offensively, but Fans appreciated their spirit all the same.

Battin’ Island received its first Renovations during the Latesiesta: a reduction to the Ballpark’s Inconvenience and Psychoacoustics. There was a brief period where Battin’ Island also had a Peanut Mister, curing Winnie Mccall’s peanut allergy before a hasty decommission by the ILB Front Office. The reasons given seemed to be “coin fraud.” 

The Psychoacoustics were certainly an upgrade to a truly ancient sound system on Battin’ Island, even echoing various abilities of other Ballparks during Feedback and Reverb weather. This new audio equipment development throughout the league had a secondary effect: splitting the entity known as the Microphone into thirteen copies of Wyatt Mason and adding those players to any teams that built these strange speakers. The Millennials received Wyatt Mason IX, affectionately referred to as Nines, a fairly solid pitcher and fielder. Theories arose about where this particular Wyatt Mason came from, such as another universe where Thomas Dracaena and Dominic Marijuana swapped places and Sandie Turner was in Wyatt Mason’s place as the “Siren of the Microphone”. While they did gain popularity as a New York City club DJ for their short time, during a Day 77 game against the Core Mechanics, Nines disappeared in a static, alongside Wyatt Mason XI. ILB rules dictating that a pitcher must throw the ball, Nines continued the game despite their disappearance. Hopefully you’ll return to us one day, Nines.

The Millennials ended the season 49-50, 4th in Mild High. We missed the Playoffs, but Uncle Plasma, Mags Banananana, and Felix Garbage partied, better than nothing, right? Sandie Turner had the highest batting average at a very respectable 0.323 and an OPS (On Base + Slugging Percentage) of 0.989. Theodore Cervantes’s 0.201 ERA continues to impress as our strongest pitcher. Overall, a middling Mills season, nothing out of the ordinary, statistically. 

During the Season 14 Elections, the Garages earning the Min-Max blessing for all of Mild High resulted in Thomas Dracaena becoming a Maximalist, a fitting modification for our dramatic star hitter, and Nandy Fantastic becoming a Minimalist, a…not-so-fitting modification for our harpy wrestler magician. For those few occasions when bases are loaded and the next pitch could save or lose an inning, Fans are eager to see how these beloved players fair. Long-time Millennial Schneider Bendie was wimdied to the Boston Flowers for shapeshifter and Perked blood enthusiast Glabe Moon, a nice Inter Xpresso reunion with Sandie Turner and Theodore Cervantes.

The Millennials’ successful Wills did Infuse Hatfield Suzuki into a 17.1 Combined Star lynchpin of the Lineup and traded Mags Banananana to the Mexico City Wild Wings for engineer Mullen Peterson. Good luck pitching on the Wings now, Mags, and welcome Mullen! The Mills unfortunately did not win any Blessings.

In other Election news, the Breath Mints and Shoe Thieves Ballparks became “Crime Scenes,” which will certainly have no effect on any Season 15 Election activity for our Hard Boiled detective, Uncle Plasma. Finally, over ten seasons after their incineration, former Mill Chorby Soul was resurrected from the Hall. Surely this won’t have any long-lasting repercussions in the coming seasons. Welcome back to the land of the living, Chorby Soul!

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