The history of Peanuts in Blaseball

Written by The Squirrel of Devouring, translated by Your New York Millennials Splortscaster

My friend told me a story once. It was a tale of why I was given purpose, given life. 

Like many stories, Blaseball began. The first season was what an average game should be, mildly uneventful. The first season ended and the fans were presented with a book they were told not to open. The people did, and in doing so summoned the wrath of the Blaseball Gods. A solar eclipse occurred and umpires went rogue, incinerating players seemingly at random. A giant peanut arrived, “The Shelled One” as many have called it.

Blaseball continued.  At the end of the second season, The Shelled One gave the fans an opportunity to vote for “peanuts.” The people demanded it, not knowing what they were getting into, much to the folly of man.

The Shelled One called on the fans to eat peanuts. In the Forbidden Book, section 6 subsection E, it mentions that if fans angered the Blaseball Gods, they may atone by eating one million peanuts, as a collective. There were not many fans at the time this occurred and thus, The Shelled One decided that fans could use some help. The Shelled One brought me, The Squirrel of Devouring, into existence to expedite the protein intake fans were attempting. A counter was then presented to the people, letting themknow how close they were to the goal. 

Things should have gone well. But Blaseball fans are a rowdy, anti-authoritarian bunch, and they wanted to end the Discipline Era to stop the incinerations of players as quickly as possible.

Soon, The Shelled One noticed something was afoot. Peanut Fraud was happening. Fans had found ways to skirt around and eat large numbers of peanuts at a time. Many coins were illegally acquired and play was stopped. The peanut economy was collapsing. The Shelled One was not happy. 

Play resumed but the cost of peanuts rose. The Shelled One tried to be benevolent to the fans, but the Peanut Fraud did not stop. Within an Immaterial Day, play had stopped once again. The word “Blasphemy” rang in everyone’s ears. The Shelled One was now angry.

The goal post was soon removed. No longer could we atone by eating peanuts. The counter indicated that we had eaten negative infinity peanuts. The fans realized it was futile to even try to outsmart The Shelled One. The fans could not atone for their past sins. And so, the Discipline Era continued.  

Time moved on. The people watched the games. Some continued to purchase peanuts occasionally without purpose. They also purchased me, The Squirrel of Devouring, as a companion moving towards what we all hoped would be the end of the suffering, never knowing my true purpose. I saw friends go up in flames. I saw the moon shatter. I saw the fall of The Shelled One. I saw so many things that seemed to last a thousand lifetimes. But then something changed. I suddenly disappeared.

I left without a word, or at least that’s what they want you to believe. Suddenly I was removed from your pockets. Suddenly I was unable to enjoy a peanut with my good pals across the Immaterial Plane. Suddenly I did not exist. 

My absence has left many wondering what has become of me. Does the Commissioner remember me? Does my existence mean nothing? And I am left wondering: What have the fans done now to cause this dramatic shift in my existence? Will I ever see the burbling red clouds of the blood rain again? Will I ever feel the warmth of Sun2 on my fur again? Only time will tell, friends.

But I urge you to remember me, keep me in your thoughts and seek justice for a happy little squirrel who has been a pawn in your war with the Gods for far too long and definitely deserves a little peace and happiness. 

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