A Hubris Filled Power Rankings Written by Joey T Badger and Definitely No One Else I Promise

By: Em Fri— I mean, Joey T Badger

Happy Timezone Splortsfans! It’s me, Joey T Badger! You are probably used to hearing me yell my hubris to you, but this time, I, Joey T Badger, am writing all my hubris down. As I sit here, writing this down with my very Joey T Badger hands in my Joey T Badger booth, I know that I’ll probably get some of these teams wrong. However, as Joey T Badger and no one else, that is all part of the fun of power ranking. You know what else is fun? Seeing all the new players we get to meet during each Short Circuit! So join us— and by us, I mean me, Joey T Badger, as we (me) find the best names and the best teams.

These Teams Will Try Better Next Season

24. Breckenridge Jazz Hands👐

Squid Psst. That’s all I’ve got. The Jands have some great names, but bad players.

23. Seattle Garages🎸

Mmmmm…. Uh uh… nuh-uh. We are back to Garages bad.

22. San Francisco Lovers💋

Great names, not a great team. Lovers? Meh.

21. Canada Moist Talkers🗣

Not impressed with the rotation or the lineup— not your season, Malkers, but the midseason tournament could turn things on their head.

Not Terrible But By No Means Good

20. Yellowstone Magic ✨

As Above So Below— but not terribly good. But the most important thing about this season’s Magic is Squid Broom. I mean, think about it. A squid with a bunch of tiny brooms? A broom but it is all squid tentacles helping you clean up? Any way you look at it, Squid Broom is perfect. So don’t pay attention to any other aspect of the Magic’s roster.

19. Philly Pies🥧

Wolf Buss, Kid Darling. We have seen the Pies take the cake in the past, but this season, it looks like the closest they will get to the Finals is if the team hops in the Wolf Buss and takes a trip to the Championship Series.

18. Hawai’i Fridays 🏝

There are two ways to get to my (Joey T Badger) heart, blueberries and alliteration. Unfortunately, even the alliterations of power hitter Rumi Raspberry and Mooch McGhee in the shadows won’t save them from their rotation.

17. Core Mechanics🛠

Toby Topaz, a great name. Mechanics seem consistent with their bats, alright on the mound. They seem decent, but nowhere near the best.

16. Mexico City Wild Wings🍗

Badger León, I mean, come on. They have a few good players split between the rotation and lineup, but there isn’t enough talent to take them to the top.

Some Good Teams

15. Tokyo Lift🏋️

Taking a look at the Lift’s Rotation, you may find yourself overcome by the suaveness of Art Dembélé or charmed by Craggy Toad. But the (Seth) Bitter(s) reality of just how bad the Rotation locks in the Lift this low.

14. Hades Tigers🐅

If you want to know what I’m thinking about the Tigers, just take a look at Calvin Clown. On the surface, you’ve got a fun, alliterative name. But look a little closer, and you see abysmal stars. A silly little honking guy can’t save the Tigers from themselves.

13. New York Millennials📱

This season’s New York Millennials are nothing if not consistent. However, they are consistently Not The Best. If they can’t turn it around before the playoffs, they’ll be needing some hugs from shadow player Hugs Izquierda. 

12. Baltimore Crabs🦀

Someone said that Thomas John was a “reference” to “Baseball.” I do not know what that means. They have potential this season, but relative to some of the other teams, a championship doesn’t seem likely. Nevertheless, the Crabs always seem to pull it off in the end, so they could win it all against the odds.

11. Dallas Steaks🥩

Jawn Humblebee. Honk Olson. Alford Friggin. The Dallas Steaks are clearly the best team in the league… name-wise at least. On a skill and star level? There is not enough consistency in the roaster for the Steaks to take home the trophy.

10. LA Unlimited Tacos🌮

Chug Shaw… just like my feelings about that name, it’s fun to think about, but I am not convinced by it. Just like the name Chug Shaw, the Tacos will be OK.

9. Hellmouth Sunbeams🌞

I’ll do it, I’ll estimate the ‘Beams. They are not bad— in fact, I’ll say it, the beams are good!

Playoff Bound

8. Chicago Firefighters🔥

The Firefighters are not bad per se, but compared to some of the other teams in the league this circuit, they are not the best. Maybe, just maybe, they can (Steals) Waltz into the postseason with some luck.

7. Ohio Worms🐌

Oh, Worm?

6. Miami Dale🚤

Snake Johns boasts a measly 2-star rating, but the rest of the Dale does not disappoint. Plus, with a name like Snake Johns, you can’t be that mad at them.

5. Houston Spies🕵️

Kumar is going to shut it down, and Goodman is going to seal the win shut. Spies ||good.||

Champions to Be

4. Charleston Shoe Thieves 👟

A strong lineup, but a weaker rotation. I can picture the Thieves stealing their way up to the playoffs, but realistically, they’re more likely to find themselves just bumped out by another team just as the postseason is in sight. But they have Jumpy Joseph, and I’ll give them extra points for that.

3.Kansas City Breath Mints🍬

Mints Goo.

2. Atlantis Georgias🔱

Apparently, the Georgias are mad at me, Joey T Badger, because I ranked them low last time. Today, I rank them higher. Their star ratings are some of the highest, and with Orb Dove’s pregame motivational speeches, the Georgias may be able to go all the way.

1. Boston Flowers🌹

Oh Hello, Boston Flowers… a great team, my great team— no, OUR great team. Not only do we have one of the best-named players in the league, Bird Carr, but we also have the bats and pitchers to back them up. From this completely unbiased voice, totally not affiliated with the Flowers at all, I think the Flowers have a real shot at the Championship.