You can read the previous entries of this series here: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

This is the top 10! Let’s Beam on down to Beamtown!

10. Randall Marijuana
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 7, KS: 9, OG: 10, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 10

The player with the shortest career in the top 10, Randall Marijuana was probably the most plot-important Sunbeam of all time. An instant fan favorite due to their skill and funny weed name, Randy easily charmed every early Beams fan. It was devastating when Randy feedbacked to the Jazz Hands, and even more devastating when they died there 40 short days later.

But the Sunbeams loss is the league’s gain, as Randall was an integral part of The Hall Stars team that defeated The Shelled One.

Randy’s place in lore is cemented as being part of the Precognition Trio, and we will always be sad about what happened, but we currently think Randy and Emmett are driving around in a van and just having a good time, and honestly that’s probably one of the best fates of any player in the league.

9. Sutton Bishop
Seasons: 9, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 9, KS: 7, OG: 5, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 9

The Goose.

The only player in the top 10 that didn’t start on the Sunbeams in Season 1, Sutton Bishop is distilled, pure chaos. It’s hard to entirely describe what Sutton is, or what it means to the Sunbeams, but consider the following:

– First player incinerated in Extra Innings (Incinerated S12D98. The next pitch after its incineration would end the game. Combs Estes had already died in the game.)
– Shortest time from Death to Haunting (Haunted S12D99).
– Most Valuable Ghost (By all metrics, no ghost produced as much haunt value as Sutton Bishop).
– Gained MVP a full 11 seasons after death.
– Broke out of the Hall to play for the Rising Stars.
– Stolen by the Vault Legends.
– Immediately broke out of the Vault to play for the Boston Flowers.

Sutton is the only player to escape both the Hall and the Vault. Soon it will escape the Black Hole. Nowhere is safe from the goose.

8. Lars Taylor
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 4

If this list weren’t scientific, Lars might have taken the top spot. But there’s enough science here to unfortunately relegate Lars to the 8th slot. Lovingly, Lars is a dork, and thus scores a low score on ability and radicalness, and a relatively low tragedy score cements stars place here.

But Lars means SO MUCH to the Sunbeams, and that can’t be overstated. Starting out with No Stars, becoming Lone Star Lars (thrusting the Sunbeams into a cowboy phase), leading the Sunbeams to the Season 11 championship, and having an absolutely bonkers Season 14 (look it up if you don’t believe me). These are just some of the reasons we love Lars, and always will love Lars.

7. Nerd Pacheco
Seasons: 12, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 8, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 10

Have you ever heard the tragedy of Nerd Pacheco the anxious?

I thought not. It’s not a story the Crabs would tell you. It’s a Pies legend. Nerd Pacheco… was a Blaseball Player of the Beams so powerful and so wise, they could use the Peanuts to create batting power. They had such a knowledge of the Nut Side, they could even keep the ones they cared about… from shelling.

They became so powerful, the only thing they were afraid of was… being Shelled themself. Which, eventually, of course, they were, by their apprentice Peanut Bong. Then, a superallergy obliterated them on the mound.

Ironic. They could save others from disaster, but not themself.

6. Igneus Delacruz
Seasons: 17, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 5, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 9

Igneus Delacruz may not have been the strongest player on the team, but towards the end of the Discipline Era, Iggy was putting up numbers far beyond his stars. Iggy was one of the Beams 2 Alternates in Season 4 (other to come soon), and was often seen around the Hellmouth with best friends Zack Sanders and Miguel James. Tragically, Iggy died, and even more tragically, died in Ohio.

Often depicted as a blue flame elemental, maybe that’s our fault, as blue flame is hotter than orange, and the flame that burns brighter burns out faster as well. Igneus was a core member of the Season 11 team, a player who surpassed their limitations repeatedly, and gave a lot to the lore of the team and the people around them.

5. Zack Sanders
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 7, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 7

So, if you have been keeping a running tally, you will realize that this means that 4 of the Beams OG pitchers are in the top 5. This might seem weird to you, as Sunbeams pitching is bad, and one of the categories here is Ability. Well, guess what. Sunbeams pitching isn’t as bad as you think it is, but our defense is worse than you think it is, so Sunbeams pitchers remain okay at the game and unestimable, which Beam Science has deemed important.

First up is Zack Sanders. A sturdy hellmouthyness score coming from a desert sunflower/sunflower beast motif, Zack is a spectacular example of the Sunbeams motto of “Stare into the Sun”. Zack’s only tenure away from the team was a single season spent in Philadelphia, after which she was promptly returned to her home. In the new era of Blaseball, we look forward to seeing Zack continue to grow in the Garden of the Boston Flowers, continuing to throw rocks on the mound.

4. Miguel James
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 5

Miguel James was the last player on the Sunbeams to move from their original position, and they took over 22 seasons before their first stint in the shadows. Miguel’s scores are bolstered by a radicalness of 10, which comes not from her ability to perform radical moves and feats, but the sheer tenacity to consider every performance radical regardless of how hard the faceplant they took was.

In the time that this reporter has been writing this article, we’ve discussed Miguel James a lot, especially in the Hall of Fame case, and Miguel James truly was better than you think. A workhorse for longer than almost any other pitcher in the ILB, Miguel James continues to bring an unrelenting positivity and a bright fashion sense to the Hellmouth in all times, and we’re all better off for having her with us.

3. Eugenia Bickle
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 7

Eugenia Bickle was the Sunbeams first real attempt at a multi-season plan. Things like Capri Sunset, Super Nava, Gatecrash Groundout Gooseboss, and Trebuchets would not have been possible if not for Bickle Batter. Pivoting Jayden Wright into the lineup and Sigmund Castillo into the shadows, Eugenia Bickle’s move to the lineup may be one of the deepest reverberating events for the Sunbeams, a success in every single aspect.

Bickle herself well promotes the values of the Hellmouth, being intermittently both a slugtaur and an orc, depending on the lore, but also spends her time cultivating some of the many cursed Hellmouth plants in her greenhouses.

If Miguel represents the Sunbeams staunch commitment to tradition, Bickle represents the team’s force of will and ability to get things done.

2. Sandoval Crossing
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 10

And if it wasn’t going to be Lars at number 1, it had to be one of these two. Sandoval Crossing misses out on the top slot mostly by being a dad, and as such, suffering the standard dad penalty to Radicalness. Sandoval started out as a star, competing in the upper echelons of pitching alongside early Discipline favorites like Polkadot and Axel, but sadly started to fall behind as the years and seasons went on. Still capable of burst of greatness, a crippling peanut addiction would eventually lead to a truly unestimable career.

What drove her to a life of peanuts? Well, probably the deaths of in-lore husbands Velasquez and Rhys, in-lore surrogate son Randy, and in-lore roommate Sutton Bishop.

That’s a lot of Tragedy to put on an old man who just wanted to play Blaseball-Tennis with a stop sign.

1. Nagomi Nava
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 10, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 10, Tragedy: 10

There truly is too much to say about Nagomi Nava. A KS score of only 7 along with some stints in the shadows are the only things keeping the Sunbeams Slugger from a perfect SHARKOUT score. To know Nagomi Nava is to truly know the Sunbeams, our team, our lore, our history, our vibes, everything.

Nagomi Nava was the survivor of the Precognition Trio. She befriended an eldritch horror and got it to chill out and live in her face. She personified the Beams strategy of walking, and even in the Ruth Era when no pitchers were throwing balls, Nagomi was still rocking dingers out of the park. She hit a 2 run home run against the Vault Legends, which was a more-than-decent chunk of the team’s offense.

Nagomi is truly one of the most unique talents in the league, and often overlooked for flashier players leaguewide, but if I were putting a team together, Nagomi Nava would be right near the top of my list every time.

And that’s the list. This is the world that Science has wrought. I’ve barely scratched the surface on these Beams though, and there’s mountains of stories about each and every one of them, and we’re always happy to share them with anyone willing to listen.

As the new era of Blaseball approaches, we have already watched some of these players fall to other teams, on which we can’t wait to see what they do, but a new class of Sunbeam is falling as well, and the Utahan desert has never looked brighter.

No matter what the Sun is, or who Stares into it, it unites us all.

See you in January.

–PandaSunbeams

The post SHARK OUT 4 – The Bream of the Brop appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

You can read Parts One and Two of this series here and here.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, it’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

This time we’re going from 21 to 11. Buckle up!

21. Wyatt Mason VII
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 9, KS: 2, OG: 0, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 10

Originally, I wanted to give Wya77 (as we affectionately called it) a Tragedy of 100. We got attached to this little guy HARD and FAST. If you want to have a nice little cry, look up Olive’s Sunbeams animatics on Youtube and watch Wya77. I miss it every day.

20. Alaynabella Hollywood
Seasons: 6, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 7, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 8

Alyanabella Hollywood was the original leadoff batter for the Hellmouth Sunbeams (and one of only 3 in the history of the team). She was part of Hollyweed, the friendship pairing between her and Randy Marijuana, and was never quite good at the game while she was with us. After being vultured off for Hahn Fox, she ate a peanut with the Flowers and was reduced to near-Nerd levels of post peanut stats.

However, after a wild sequence of events leading to her stealing the spot of, of all people, Nagomi McDaniel, she eventually rose to become a competent pitcher with the Garages. We love to see her thrive in Seattle.

19. Rhys Trombone
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 3, KS: 4, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 9

Rhys Trombone was the first to fall in the Sim, making sure that the Sunbeams were terrible in the mid-Discipline era. Rhys will always be remembered fondly as someone who probably played the trombone and was taken from us too soon.

18. Hahn Fox
Seasons: 18, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 6, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 1

Hahn Fox. There’s a lot to say about Hahn Fox, but I’ll try to keep it brief. It is my opinion that the arrival of Hahn Fox was the turning point for the Sunbeams in the DE. We’d just gone through the loss of Randy in Breckenridge, and were reeling over our roster. At the time, Hahn had just been pinging from the Dale to the Flowers, and we kind of thought that the Wild Low Sweetheart would continue her journey.

But she just… stayed. And since that point, Hahn has been the Rock (the Party Rock?) of the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Only missing a handful of games in the next 18 seasons, Hahn brought her consistent play and even keel to a team embroiled in chaos and nonsense. Plus she’s really into her wife and that’s just neat. She only ranks this low because unlike many other Sunbeams, she’s just not that tragic of a figure.

17. Velasquez Meadows
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 3, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 8

Number 2 in the “We’ll just take all the good Hellmouth players away” in the early DE. Killed later in the same season that took Rhys Trombone, Velasquez was just as harsh a loss. Though the Sunbeams would eventually find their place, the 1-2 punch of season 3 took the wind out of the sails of many a sandship.

16. Jayden Wright
Seasons: 11, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 3, KS: 5, OG: 5, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 6

Jayden Wright was brought onto the team to take the place of Eugenia Bickle in the Bickle Batter plan that would see Eugenia moved to the Lineup. Sunbeams pitching has often been considered a joke (and for decent reason), but Jayden had good, solid stats to build on. And then she built on them! By the late EE, Jayden was a 6 star pitcher on her way to becoming a real force in the league.

And then she had an allergic reaction.

And then she was bitten by a shark.

Well, we tried to have a good pitcher.

15. Sigmund Castillo
Seasons: 14, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 5, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 5

But, Jayden wasn’t our ONLY try at having a good pitcher. And one time we actually had success!

Sigmund Castillo started on the Sunbeams as a trade for Alexander Horne from the Lovers. They were pretty much the only Sunbeam with actual baserunning skill, and, when on base, would often steal multiple times and be driven in by Igneus Delacruz behind them. However, they were not good at actually getting on base. So, in the aforementioned Bickle Batter plan, we used Sigmund as the pivot. But while Sigmund was in the shadows, they were training, and building.

After two seasons of shadow infusing on pitching, Sigmund emerged with a brand new set of siege weaponry, and began launching fastballs from trebuchets. In the 5 seasons Sigmund has pitched, they’ve performed as well as almost any pitcher in history, and we look forward to them continuing their new legacy in the next era.

14. Paula Reddick
Seasons: 9, Hellmouthyness: 6, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 4, KS: 4, OG: 5, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 7

On of my favorite things that occurred because of Paula Reddick is that it made Sky (who draws all the amazing blaseball minis) draw a Truck. Just a regular Truck. Because Paula is a ghost that sometimes haunts trucks.

But as a player, Paula is amazing in the hyper-optimized Sunbeams tradition. A being of almost entirely divinity and moxie, Paula achieved a near-record OBP of .484 while only putting up a BA of .276. She’s not the best but dang, she’s good at what she does.

13. Hendricks Richardson
Seasons: 17, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 1, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 10, Tragedy: 3

And now we come to the last entry on the list to receive no OG points, Hendricks Richardson. Hendricks was, like Hahn, a rock, a player who showed up and just stayed where they were. The difference is that Hendricks had almost no stats. However, I maintain that Hendricks Richardson is one of the best in the history of the game at doing a lot with a little. In season 11 (which was cracked for the Sunbeams for sure), Hendricks managed to get into the top 10 for Hits, which is crazy for a batter with only a handful of stars, circumstances not withstanding. While it is true that there are several seasons in which Hendricks was the worst Sunbeams batter, they were still a batter that could be putting up top 3 numbers for multiple teams. Hendricks, to me, embodies the Hellmouth tradition of being Unestimable, and also was a big-ass Marxist dragon, which is just really cool.

12. Emmett Internet
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 6, KS: 4, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 8

Season 3, with the aforementioned incinerations of Rhys and Velasquez, but Season 4 seemed like it would be alright. The Sunbeams dodged any further incinerations, and even won Precognition in the Season 4 Elections.

Things were looking up!

Until Season 5, Day 91, when Emmett Internet was the first of two to fall to the Precog curse of the Hellmouth. At the time, Emmett was one of our two best, and it again seemed like the Sim was just picking off our best players one by one. Emmett’s presence is tightly woven into the fabric of Sunbeams lore, though, as the Precog Trio carries with it some of the deepest feelings the team has.

11. Dudley Mueller
Seasons: 15, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 3, KS: 8, OG: 5, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 2

As a side note, to all the Tragedy above, something good did (eventually) come out of one of these events. The incineration of Rhys Trombone gave the Sunbeams the energy drink monstrosity known as Dudley Mueller. While Dudley’s origins were humble, their thirst for blood would soon make them a force to be reckoned with.

A diet of Parties, Peanuts, and Plasma between seasons 7 and 10 would lead Dudley into the Expansion Era with a monstrous 5+ statline, putting up numbers in Seasons 11 through 13 that rivaled the best performances of Aldon Cashmoney and Nagomi McDaniel, and they continue to perform above this level as they’re on their current world tour in Houston, Ohio, and Hades. Truly, Dudley exemplifies one of the core tenets of the Sunbeams: we take our players and we make them better (or they make themselves better).

And there you have it, numbers 21 through 11. We’re getting into the top 10 in our final article, which will come out some time in the future. With only 10 names remaining, I know who people are waiting to see, but who will take the top slot?

Remember to stare into the sun responsibly!

The post SHARK OUT 3 – Six Feet Under appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

You can read Part One of this series here.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

Here’s 33 through 23.

33. Kaz Fiasco
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 6, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 2

Now we start to get into some of the more long-term players. The Sunbeams only had Kaz Fiasco for a short time, and had to lose an original lineup player to get them, but we were pretty excited about Kaz when they showed up. A cryptid mothman with TWO HATS? They CAUSE PROBLEMS? What’s not to like? With more time on the team, Kaz would have been a strong favorite for sure.

32. Elvis Figueroa
Seasons: 6, Hellmouthyness: 6, Ability: 9, Radicalness: 3, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 4, Tragedy: 2

One of the surprise new fixtures of the Sunbeams Expansion Era roster, Elvis is somehow the first player to not listen to the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Bureau TWICE. After being wimdy’d to the Sunbeams for Zack Sanders in Season 15, they were promptly traded back, only to wimdy onto the Sunbeams again in season 19 for the just-discussed Kaz Fiasco.

What is it about the Hellmouth that attracts these fungal gnomes to the deserts of Utah? We may never know. However, what we do know is that Elvis has more career postseason wins with the Sunbeams than they do with the Pies.

31. Alexander Horne
Seasons: 4, Hellmouthyness: 6, Ability: 5, Radicalness: 5, KS: 4, OG: 5, Unestimability: 5, Tragedy: 2

It’s… LITTLE ALEX HORNE!

Alex came to the team in season 3 as the second incineration replacement, for Velasquez Meadows. Soon after emerging, Horne hit a grand slam against the Pies, cementing the “Horne Run” as legend in the team’s history.

It’s truly a shame we didn’t have more time with Alex, but reports of gurz thriving in San Francisco are enough for us for now.

30. Harriet Gildehaus
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 8, KS: 7, OG: 5, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 3

Harriet joined the team during the Fax Madness of the late EE Sunbeams pitching roster. Despite only spending a short time with the team before being will-shadowed at the end of Season 21, she made her mark by being the losing pitcher in the Sunbeams Underbracket run, securing her own Underring to take back to the shadows with her.

30. Son Jensen
Seasons: 2, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 7, KS: 2, OG: 0, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 7

You know how every team has that player in the shadows? The one they spend season after season trying to get out of the shadows, or buff, because their stat distribution is worth it? Say hello to that player, but for the Tacos.

Son Jensen was cheered as she emerged from the shadows via the Tacos voicemail, and those cheers turned to confusion as Son promptly left the team for the Hellmouth in exchange for Hendricks Richardson. Son is a great fit for the Sunbeams, his Moxie and other stats fitting the Beams’ playstyle, but a lot of their story is the unlikely path they took to get here.

30. Phineas Wormthrice
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 5, Radicalness: 7, KS: 2, OG: 5, Unestimability: 5, Tragedy: 1

I think everyone in Blaseball knows who Tillman Henderson is. TV Tropes has a page for “Jerk with a heart of Gold” but Tillman is more like their “Jerk with a heart of Jerk”. The Sunbeams have never had a Jerk before, and so we sat down to create one in Phineas Wormthrice. I mean, it sounds pretentious enough, right?

Well, we made em smol. Oops.

Phineas quickly became beloved by the team, and contributed greatly to our offense by being our first magnification. Even though ey weren’t amazing emselves, they often were able to bat in Howell and Nagomi. A surprisingly good member of the lineup until ey got chomped and shadowed, it remains to see if ey’ll ever return to active play.

30. Malik Romayne
Seasons: 7, Hellmouthyness: 1, Ability: 4, Radicalness: 2, KS: 2, OG: 10, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 8

Malik Romayne is the first 10 OG, a member of the Season 1 Moab Sunbeams Lineup.

And I just don’t have much to say about them. They were… fine. They were probably the best player on the team at the time they were traded, since Randy, Emmett, Rhys, and Velasquez were all dead, but other than that they just didn’t make much of an impact. They’re vaguely a chef and they might have been married to fellow OG Igneus Delacruz. But for the most part, Malik just didn’t have as much of a presence compared to the rest of the OG team.

26. Guy Gulp
Seasons: 2, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 2, KS: 2, OG: 5, Unestimability: 4, Tragedy: 10

Okay, so, the thing I wanna stress here is that Guy Gulp is, in Beams lore, the only one that has to work a regular job. And that’s, like, the most tragic thing I can think of. Also, the only reason they have any points in radicalness is that they’re often depicted as dating Aldon Cashmoney, which is pretty rad.

26. Kaj Statter Jr.
Seasons: 6, Hellmouthyness: 2, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 8, KS: 9, OG: 5, Unestimability: 2, Tragedy: 4

In comparison to Guy Gulp, here’s someone who’s almost all radicalness and KS. Kaj (rhymes with sky) burst onto the scene in Season 13 when Sutton Bishop was incinerated. What’s cool about them?

-Replaced Sutton on Day 98 of the season, stole home in the same game, and then partied on Day 99
-Drives a boat in the desert
-Has a goat named Disco Ball that is also licensed to drive boats
-Drove the boat that carried the Sunbeams when they charged the mound in Season 24

This is some real KS stuff here, if you ask me.

24. Goodwin Morin III
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 9, Radicalness: 9, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 2, Tragedy: 9

Goodwin Morin III is the only replica that the Sunbeams have ever had on the team. Generally we prefer to win with our own players, but when we had to get a replica we went with who we ended up calling Gw3n. It’s still very confusing to me that we didn’t make it to the finals of Season 22 (where we had a shot at beating the Breath Mints), but hey, things happen.

Gw3n’s main takeaway from the Sunbeams is that we gave her cat ears. And she’s just based on a super cool lady so she carries a lot of that radicalness with her.

23. Howell Franklin
Seasons: 7, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 9, Radicalness: -1, KS: 8, OG: 0, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 8

This is the only negative score on the whole list.

Howell Franklin is a werewolf who is a dad. Like that’s most of his deal. He’s got no rad energy at all. Not even a little bit. You can’t be rad in cargo shorts, with sandals on. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules, you just can’t.

But Howell fit in great with the Sunbeams. Howell remains one of the top batters in the ILB even with flinch, and as the Sunbeams have reformed that flinch, Howell promises to be even better in future seasons. It’s kind of fitting to have Howell close out this article, because he might be the most beloved of the “late” or “temporary” Sunbeams, and in fact, only 2 other Zero-OG players score higher than Howell Franklin, both of whom were with the team for much longer.

And there you go. Up through 23. Next time we get 22-11, and then we’ll finish it up with the scientifically determined top 10 Hellmouth Sunbeams. I’ve been your resident Sunbologist, Panama Dan.

See you again soon.

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Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows, 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

Honorable Mentions

46, 45, 44. Jasper Blather, Alston Cerveza, Donia Bailey

The three “Lore Legal” Sunbeams that never took the field for the team. Jasper and Alston are well known in the Hellmouth for being 2 of the only players to actually Not Come To The Hellmouth. I mean, we have a whole department in charge of this but people keep showing up. Donia is a late addition, having been Phantom Thieved from the Spies in late Expansion Era, but is reportedly being taken well care of in the Hellmouth Shadows.

43 to 33

43. Quack Enjoyable
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 0, Ability: 4, Radicalness: 2, KS: 1, OG: 0, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 1

Quack is a duck. Their main contribution to Sunbeams Lore is that they showed up in a Shell and got broken out of it within 30 or so games, and then left 30 games later. Didn’t stay nearly long enough to become any amount of cursed.

42. Brisket Friendo
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 1, Radicalness: 1, KS: 1, OG: 0, Unestimability: 1, Tragedy: 4

Brisket was given to us in the Triangle Trade that caused Alston’s brief tenure and took our Best Friend Richmond Harrison from us. While Brisket had been plot relevant before, they came to us with no lore and left as a Blahaj Kitty who weighed an enormous amount and had an owner named Brie. (Get it? Brie’s Cat?). Their poor play did coincide with the Sunbeams Tanking Season but otherwise didn’t make a huge impact. (Other than who they were traded for, a player who will appear later).

41. Borg Ruiz
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 3: KS: 2, OG: 5, Unestimability: 2, Tragedy: 1
41. Tot Best
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 2, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 3, KS: 1, OG: 5, Unestimability: 5, Tragedy: 2

Borg Ruiz and Tot Best were two of the Sunbeams 3 Night Shifts in Season 24. They didn’t have a lot of time to establish themselves but both proved to have sparks of talent and some very interesting motifs. It’ll be interesting to see what they do when Blaseball returns.

39. Comfort Septemberish
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 0, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 8, KS: 4, OG: 0, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 2

Comfort didn’t play much for the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Received in a feedback, they were quickly reclaimed at season’s end, and spent most of their time on the Sunbeams in Elsewhere. They did contribute to the Underchampionship run, and received a high Radicalness score for shouting 90’s advertising slogans at the top of their voice constantly.

38. Siobhan Chark
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 5, Radicalness: 4, KS: 3, OG: 0, Unestimability: 4, Tragedy: 5

The first 5 Tragedy on the list goes to Siobhan Chark for the tragedy of the Flickering Socks. Siobhan bounced around in the late EE, but her 3 seasons on the Sunbeams were memorable. As part of the Spybeams Revolving Door, her presence strengthened the bond between the Wild Low teams, and she added a splash of fresh water to the desert air.

37. Joe Voorhees
Seasons: 2, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 0, Radicalness: 1, KS: 8, OG: 0, Unestimability: 0, Tragedy: 10

The Career of Joe Voorhees:

• Joe bounces around other teams
• Joe comes to the Hellmouth
• Joe is swiftly sent to the shadows in the first lineup downsizing (starting the small team meta?)
• Joe lives in the shadows for about 30 years
• Joe is re-summoned from the shadows to be bad on purpose
• Joe is bad
• Joe is, for some reason, marked by Jessica Telephone as a threat and Shelled.
• Joe’s peanut is shoved back into the shadows.

36. Avila Guzman
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 0, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 9, KS: 3, OG: 0, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 1

I just think she’s neat! Seems like a very rad lady, and for sure is one of the most underrated players, maybe in all of Blaseball. Wish we could have had her longer to get to know her.

35. Aldon Cashmoney
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 4, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 1, Tragedy: 5
35. Dunlap Figeuroa
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 1, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 7, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 4
35. Richmond Harrison
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 4, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 2

Welcome to the Tigerbeams corner. Though none with the team too long, not much else shows how strong the bond is between the Sunbeams and the Tigers. Early Expansion wills led to Aldon and Richmond both joining the team and endearing themselves to the fanbase, while Dunlap made a quick stop in the Hellmouth on their Fifth Base World Tour.

That’s the first 11! Next time I’ll cover 32 to 22. Remember to Stare into the Sun, everyone!

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