The Ohio Worms haven’t always been the strongest team, but they have always been something since we started watching them after Season 12. But what if we put the best Worms performances of all time together to create one stacked super-roster of All-Worms? It might look something like this…

Editor’s note: As a reminder, these are the rules of the All-Stars Teams:

1. There will be the standard 9 Lineup Players and 5 Pitching Players. Players cannot be Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season on that team in their role.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be used once in the 14 positions.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

Now back to your regular article. -c

Batting

Scratch Deleuze, Season 24
This adorable/dirtbag opossum has put up some great seasons for the Worms, but Season 24 was the peak of that excellence. They scratched out a preposterous .380 batting average and .456 On Base Percentage, often drawing walks just to get out there. And getting on base was the primary goal, because Scratch stole the other bases at a truly alarming rate – nearly one stolen base per time she got on the basepath at all. It was not uncommon to see Scratch steal 2^nd, 3^rd, and home… before the next batter finished their plate appearance.

Combine Scratch’s 2nd-best OPS and Slugging percentage in the league with their 5th-most steals [all while batting on an 11-player lineup!], and Scratch has a good case for the best season of any batter in Season 24. That’s why I’d want Scratch to lead off any all-Worms roster.

Loubert Ji-Eun, Season 24
The Worms’ own DJ Solid had a bounce-back season in 24, looking to make amends for the let-down of Season 23 that saw the Worms fall one win short of a championship. That made it Lou’s 2^nd-most Solid season yet, batting .310 with the most extra-base hits for any non-Scratch Worm.

But why this over Season 21, when Ji-Eun had a higher batting average and comparable extra-base hit numbers? Because after Season 21, the Worms successfully voted to Magnify DJ Solid. That means scoring double for all those RBIs when Lou can get Scratch across the plate. It’s a match made in slimy heaven, and an absolutely broken combination.

Dudley Mueller, Season 24
The Mlonster’s most recent season slightly pips Season 23, and a lot of the reasoning is the same as for Loubert. Dudley arrived Magnified, and had immediate potential for RBI after RBI.

Dudley batted .297 with a .955 OPS (and the 3rd-most homers on the team). With Magnification, that means Mueller is going to be sending a LOT of Scratches and DJs home twice.

Vessalius Sundae, Season 16
You knew they’d be here somewhere. The Worms’ best historical hitter had arguably their best season in Season 16, when the Worms turned up the heat in the Wild Low. At the height of the Ruthlessness era, Vess put up a season where they were 5^th in Blaseball for homers, 5^th in RBI, and 3^rd in OPS. They were so focused on getting those extra bases that they lead the league in Caught Stealing, as well!

The Dairy Queen put up somewhat better numbers in Season 23, but they weren’t among league leaders, nor did they carry the team on their back in the same way as Season 16. So we slot in Vess where they’ve always deserved to be: the cleanup spot. Four scoops please.

Pitching Machine, Season 14
There have been many feast-or-famine, homers-only Worms batters. Millipede “We Have Luftoff” Aqualuft, Andrew “Soils” Solis, Cantus “Wait, Cantus Is Allowed to Get a Hit??” Hojo, among others. But no one embraces the Dinger-or-Die Worms better than famous batter Pitching Machine.

Season 14 Worms were bad, but PM was pretty good. They lead the team in home runs and sported a respectable .261 batting average. While PM’s stint on the Worms should best be remembered for 3 glorious postseason homers in Season 16, the Season 14 version set the standard on the field. For a bunch of Worms new to the ILB, the experienced veteran who had just earned two Worms Wills was the right machine for the spotlight. In the 5^th spot in the order, PM is a perfect Mark McGwire-type power hitter to bring home the baserunners any time Vess hasn’t already done so.

Demi Suljak, Gamma 2 Season 2
The Worms, historically, have had a mighty struggle at the bottom half of their order. So why not call in some Worms from an alternate universe? Demi Suljak’s second season was the stuff that Beta Worms can only dream of: a league-leading .369 batting average, 2^nd-best homers and 2^nd-best OPS.

While Demi lacked the “star power” of the likes of Ooze Coen and Carolina Correct, they performed at a league-leading standard… something that even Vess has struggled to do.

Ephraim Ladd, Season 20
It’s really tough to slot in a Beta universe Worm here. Gamma 4 stars Jade Schweinsteiger or Annick McGee would fit nicely, and awful hitter but amazing fielder Cantus Hojo has their upsides, but let’s try and stick with the long-time Worms plan: let Dadd bat!

Eph never quite lived up to expectations as a batter, but outside of the “Big 4” hitters that took up slots 1-4 in the Worms’ order for much of their history, Eph is still among the best. When Ladd was finally called back to the big leagues in Season 20, they put up a tidy .253 batting average with 16 homers and 50 walks. It’s not flashy, but it’s positive, which is all the Worms really wanted for our spaceman. And at this point in Eph’s career, their defensive stats were comparable to Cantus anyway. We’ll call it a Golden Glove flyer and run with it.

Manu Hearst, Gamma 2 Season 1
With Manu Hearst, the Worms of our prime universe could have something they’ve always imagined: a reliable hitter late in the order. Manu’s .326 batting average is fantastic by Worms standards, and a team-best 31 stolen bases doesn’t hurt, either (although the 16 times caught stealing is Vess-adjacent).

Manu also walked at an astonishing rate: 143 walks in 99 games, good enough to push them to 2^nd in the league in on-base percentage (even ahead of Demi Suljak! And behind a player with only 6 games played). That puts Manu in perfect position to be batted in by…

Lenny Crumb, Season 19
The Legend has always been stuck in the first spot in the Worms’ order, but here we can imagine them where they belong: slotted 9^th, a tasty lead-in to high percentage batters at the top of the order. Always an extra-base threat, Lenny was 4^th in the league in triples for Season 19, and sported a delightful .291 batting average.

Lenny deserves to be on this list based on staying-power alone, but it’s a lot of fun to imagine how this all could work in a real Worms season: Lenny lays down a triple to drive in Manu, Scratch walks then steals second, and Loubert bonks them home for 4 or 6 runs. A combo for Worms fans to obsess over if/when the new version of Wills drops.

Honorable Mentions: Jade Schweinsteiger (Gamma 4), Annick McGee (Gamma 4), Adrian Ellis (Gamma 2 Season 1), Jeffery Horne, (Gamma 3), Benji Charcuterie, Mindy Buck, and Magnus Plague (Peanuts – slightly different from Worms), Millipede Aqualuft (Season 23), Farrell Seagull (Season 14)

Pitching

Xandra Pancakes, Season 18
XanPan was always going to be the ace pitcher on any Worms squad in contention (PM pitching speculation notwithstanding). Pancakes had spectacular campaigns in many other seasons, such as their debut with a 2.17 ERA in Season 15, but Season 18 was something else. XanPan went 21-4 with a sterling 2.34 ERA and went the entire season without walking a batter.

XanPan’s Season 18 was the final straw for a Worms team that was otherwise tanking for the Bottom Dwell – the Worms sent them back to the Shadows for three seasons. All because Pancakes was too good.

Patchwork Southwick, Season 22
Yes, Patchwork’s ERA of 2.04 is better than anything XanPan ever put up. But no, Patchwork would never usurp XanPan in the number 1 pitching spot.

Season 22 was a masterwork of Underhanded pitching, allowing Patchwork to put up better performances than usual… but this is Patchwork Southwick we’re talking about. Every game is a wild ride, and nothing is certain. It’s a real testament to the “quality” of Worms pitching that Patchwork takes the 2^nd spot.

Rivers Rosa, Season 16
Rivers was a reliable presence in the Worms rotation for a short stretch, and had one standout season. A 16-9 record accompanying a 2.93 ERA were excellent by Worms standards. Rosa’s solid performance led the team to one of its best seasons to date.

Alas, Rivers couldn’t hold up and lost 2 games to the Spies in the heartbreaking playoff run. This was followed by mediocre campaigns, and eventual chomps and Shadowing. But Season 16 Rivers is deservedly an All-Worm.

Milli Rambutan, Gamma 2 Season 2
Several Gamma Worms had pitching seasons to remember, but Rambutan had perhaps the most statistically spectacular. “The Other Milli” put up a sterling 2.23 ERA, and while their 15-5 record didn’t quite match Leo Marzen’s 17-3 from the prior season, her performance set a standard for future Worms to try and match.

Jacoby Podcast, Season 18
Jacoby Podcast never quite lived up to their championship pedigree during their time with the Worms, but Season 18 was a bright moment. Jacoby managed a 2.88 ERA that was not truly reflected in a 13-12 record. Podcast only allowed 4 walks all season, which was scarcely noticed as XanPan went the whole campaign without allowing a walk. This kind of performance would have been sufficient to get the Worms over the finish line, in another set of circumstances.

Honorable Mentions: Ashby Swandre (Gamma 3 – Peanut), Leo Marzen (Gamma 2 Season 1), Oswald Sequoia (Gamma 2 Season 2), Khulan Al-Faraj (Gamma 4), Parker Meng (Season 23)

The All-Worms

Lineup
Scratch Deleuze (24)
Loubert Ji-Eun (24)
Dudley Mueller (24)
Vessalius Sundae (16)
Pitching Machine (14)
Demi Suljak (G2S2)
Ephraim Ladd (20)
Manu Hearst (G2S1)
Lenny Crumb (19)

Rotation
Xandra Pancakes (18)
Patchwork Southwick (22)
Rivers Rosa (16)
Milli Rambutan (G2S2)
Jacoby Podcast (18)

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

As any long-time Worms fan knows, some seasons you just gotta Worms Down. After all, if you’re not gonna win a championship, you might as well take advantage of that Bottom Dweller buff! So here’s a team of historic Worms who had the potential to single-handedly tank the Wormhole.

Batting

Stew Briggs, Season 20
Oh, Stew. Stew set the Worms’ record for futility in Season 20 with a memorable .086 batting average and all-around poor play.

Kichiro Guerra, Season 18
Kichiro really helped tank with a .139 batting average and only 13 extra base hits on the whole season, which was NOT compensated for by their decent defense.

Muse Scantron, Season 19
Muse was never a standout in terms of quality batting, but Season 19 was a true dumpster fire with a .151 batting average, only 2 homers, and no future prospects for improvement due to consumer chomps.

Farrell Seagull, Season 18
Seagull’s .149 batting average was a real low point in their long, storied career.

Cantus Hojo, Season 15
Cantus was always a contentious Worms Down candidate due to a high defense, but a dreadful .167 batting average was the worst, by a large margin, on a team getting close to contention.

Pudge Nakamoto, Season 23
While the rest of the Worms were reaching the pinnacle of Blaseball, Pudge stayed behind, batting only .190 with 3 homers in 65 games before taking a break in the Hall of Flame… and further extending the Worms’ non-transient lineup with 1 Scoobert Toast.

Millipede Aqualuft, Season 20
Millie had a season to forget, batting only .173 with 6 homers in their worst performance to date.

Ooze Coen, Gamma 2 Season 2
Yes, it was an alternate universe, but Ooze’s .047 batting across an entire season may well be the worst Worms bat in any timeline.

Katy Cornbread, Season 23
It’s not really Katy’s fault, but a .255 batting average was good for -20 RBI due to subtractor status. The -6 postseason RBI were a real bummer as well in a year where the Worms came one Win short of a title.

Honorable(?) Mentions: Susananana Portmanteau (Season 24), Tai Beanbag (Season 23), Ephraim Ladd (Season 22), Clove Mahle (Season 22), Chorby Soul IV (Season 21 – different kind of tanking), Igneus Delacruz (Season 18), Kaz Fiasco (Season 16), Scratch Deleuze (Season 14), Augusta Chadwell (Season 13), Tyrann Hyde (Gamma 3 – Peanut), Gabriel Chilly (Gamma 2 Season 1)

Pitching

NaN, Season 14
NaN really nails this challenge, managing to go an abysmal 1-13 with a 9.32 ERA before swapping with the quite good Rivers Rosa.

Persephone Splotter, Season 13
Persephone was the masterpiece on arguably the worst team ever. They went 2-18 with a 9.21 ERA, allowing an astonishing 227 walks on a 5-pitcher team. That’s more than 11 walks per game! And a full 32 walks more than 2^nd place that season, which was…

Ephraim Ladd, Season 13
Eph was just about as hapless as Persephone, with an 18 walk lead over the 3^rd place pitcher (Worms’ Enid Marlow also made that esteemed Season 13 walks list in 4^th). Ladd went 4-16 with an 8.54 ERA. Eph is one of 2 players to make both Worms Up and Worms Down lists.

Luis Acevedo, Season 14
Luis stirred up a lot of controversy among the Worms, but they were certainly a Worms Down force to be reckoned with. They went 4-16 with an 8.25 ERA and allowed 195 walks.

Rivers Rosa, Season 19
The standings went all wobbly, but Rivers understood the assignment from Worms fans going into Season 19, going 7-26 with a 9.70 ERA… and then winning a postseason game! Rivers is the other Worm to make both lists in this article, alongside Eph.

Honorable(?) Mentions: Honorable Mentions: Enid Marlow, Patchwork Southwick, and Wanda Schenn (Season 13 – great work team!), Patchwork Southwick (Season 18 – bottom of the roller coaster), Rivers Rosa (Season 21 – Worms spent 2 Wills just to send them to the Shadows), Rocio Caster (Season 24 – 5 horrible games), Esmeralda McCollard (Peanut), Yahya Jupiter (Gamma 4 – you had to be there)

The Other All-Worms

Lineup
Stew Briggs (20)
Kichiro Guerra (18)
Muse Scantron (19)
Farrell Seagull (18)
Cantus Hojo (15)
Pudge Nakamoto (23)
Millipede Aqualuft (20)
Ooze Coen (G2S2)
Katy Cornbread (23)

Rotation
NaN (14)
Persephone Splotter (13)
Ephraim Ladd (13)
Luis Acevedo (14)
Rivers Rosa (19)

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back throughout the history of Blaseball to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the rest of the series here.

The post The All-Worms: Ohio Worms Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Philadelphia. The name comes from the Greek: philos, meaning “filling”, and delphos, meaning “dough” or “pastry”. It’s a city of Pie.

The Philly Pies were early champions in the long-ago first seasons of modern Blaseball, but have spent the past 22 seasons as perennial also-rans, contenders never quite able to capture the crown for that third magical time. A team beloved of and beloved by birds, we have soared to great heights and boasted absolute monster rosters, but in the way of all Philly splorts, we have likewise often been our own worst enemy.

Now we have the opportunity to conduct a thought experiment: with a history filled with fantastic players, what would a team of our best and most-loved look like? Could they stand among the titans of the sport? We must, like the other teams participating, adhere to the following rules:

1. There will be the standard 9 Lineup Players and 5 Pitching Players. Players cannot Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season on that team in their role.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be used once in the 14 positions.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

Got it? Good.

If there’s one thing we love in Philly, it’s democracy, so to choose our team we engaged in the most hallowed of Pies traditions: filling out Google Forms. Here now are the results of those elections: Your Philly Pies, Dream Team Edition.

LINEUP

EDUARDO WOODMAN (Season 19) – BA .342, OPS 1.066
Ed’s been the Pies’ captain since they joined in Season 3, and has been on a long and depressing quest to finally bring them that third ring. Existential exhaustion notwithstanding, Woodman has been a consistently strong player, and after a nice little infusion helped them catch up to the inflated stats of the league’s later seasons, they put in a fantastic performance in a monster season for the Pies (upside-down rankings notwithstanding). A terrific leadoff.

BEASLEY DAY (Season 21) – BA .288, OPS .922
Our three-headed Goodest Boy is a fan favorite, and while they don’t always put up the biggest numbers, Beas reliably gets on base and is known to have a love of going walkies. Perfect for helping load the bases for our bigger hitters.

RUSLAN GREATNESS (Season 19) – BA .275, OPS .947
Formerly one of our worst pitchers, Ruslan’s “NO HIT, ONLY THROW” mantra prevented them from joining the Lineup for many seasons. After it was agreed they could take the plate by throwing the bat at the incoming pitch, their tremendous muscularity made him a valuable hitter who gets on base when they’re not hitting dingers. Our Large Son also loves to skate, at times filling more than one slot in the top 10 highest-scoring tricks for a season. In Season 19, their love of skate crime led to a very respectable 51 steals.

JAXON BUCKLEY (Season 22) – BA .371, OPS 1.266
#1 all-time favorite Pie and cowpoke poet, Jaxon’s cybernetic arms are the epitome of Pies power-hitting. Season 22 saw them put up 125.3 RBIs, as Jaxon loves to hit doubles and dingers. An ideal fourth spot on the Lineup, who reminds us to be rootin’, be tootin’, and by god be shootin’, but most of all: be kind.

LANG RICHARDSON (Season 9) – BA .343, OPS .980
Lang’s flair for the dramatic paired well with Jaxon’s power, and many an inning saw Lang follow our cowpoke with a well-timed hit to send Jaxon home, should Jaxon have merely gotten on base. This duo gives us the beloved “Tootin’ On Broadway!” chant echoing proudly in the stands of Tastycake Stadium.

PEANUT HOLLOWAY (Season 9) – BA .385, OPS 1.034
Our resident mad scientist and invisible person, Peanut spent many seasons as one of the backbones of the Pies lineup before being stolen by the Shelled One. Peanut was a consistent all-rounder, and his knack for getting on base helps keep the back half of our Dream Team Lineup producing.

JESSICA TELEPHONE (Season 6) – BA .340, OPS 1.245
It was, perhaps, inevitable that JT (as we know them) would make our All-Star team. Despite all the discourse, they were our earliest star and is beloved by many of the Pies to this day. Season 6 Jessica put up some of their best numbers, and their ridiculous OPS that season pairs well with Holloway to set things up for our number 8 slot.

HUBER FRUMPLE (Season 21) – BA .280, OPS 1.057
Our beloved woerms, Huber and Frumple might boast a softer batting average than much of our Lineup, but they always swung for the fences. “Never Bunt, Hit Dingers” was their motto, and despite some inconsistency, they regularly were at or near the top for home runs on the team. Hube gains to be made, and Frumple don’t crumple. A good at-bat here sends anyone left on base to score, and a miss still leaves:

JODE PRESTON (Season 12) – BA .368, OPS 1.005
Though they may have been a collective hallucination caused by spores from a stadium-infesting fungus, Sicko Jode spent a number of seasons anchoring the back half of our Lineup, a role they fill well here. Jode could be relied upon to put up some numbers, and her 92 RBIs in Season 12 makes them well-suited to both clean up anything left from the previous at-bats as well as set up the top of the order quite nicely.

ROTATION

TIANA TAKAHASHI (Season 21) – ERA 2.05, W-L .73
They are the meta. It took four seasons to pull Tiana from the Shadows, and when we finally did she quickly became invaluable. A great performer in the tough later seasons of blaseball, TT is a fan favorite. In Season 21, they T-posed on ‘em to a whopping 9 shutouts.

HENRY MARSHALLOW (Season 18) – ERA 1.92, W-L .88
Stay-Buft Hank has had ups and downs on the Pies, but always gave it their all— never more so than in Season 18, where they put up these ridiculous stats, helping us reach an all-time Wins record of 79. Marsh now rests in our Shadows, but here they shine their brightest for our Dream Team.

ELVIS FIGUEROA (Season 18) –  ERA 1.58, W-L .84
Converting Elvis from a Lineup player to a pitcher was one of the earliest and best roster moves the Pies ever made, and it paid dividends. The seven gnomes (eight on a good day) have been the rock upon which all good Pies pitching has been built, and while these insane numbers came in an era of inflated pitching stats, they aren’t terribly different from his performance even as far back as Season 9. The quintessential good Pies pitcher.

BETSY TROMBONE (Season 6) – ERA 3.59, W-L .70
After the above three, the dropoff in Pies pitching talent is pretty stark, and the Brass Lass makes the fourth spot less on the basis of their record and more for being a beloved Pie from the early days. Despite their middling statistics, Betsy was a decent part of our Rotation before her departure to our friends the Garages, and it warms many a Pie’s heart to see them here one more time.

BRIGHT ZIMMERMAN (Season 5) – ERA 3.0, W-L .65
It’s almost physically painful to see them here. Bright Zimmerman might be the single-most decorated player in Blaseball, with four championships to their name, but they’re a historically a terrible pitcher and the Pies spent many, many seasons hoping to be rid of them. But the Pies have always Needed to Fix Our Pitching, our Rotation being a major factor holding us back, and when we look over the players eligible for this Dream Team, this one season example of Bright is, unfortunately, the best option we have to fill the fifth slot. We have always hated them, we still hate them, and we hate them even more for giving us no choice here.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

NERD PACHECO: It’s against the rules, but many, many Pies wanted to replace Bright Zimmerman with Pacheco, who spent several seasons on the Pies trapped in a peanut shell. The pitcher-doubling effect of Shelled Pacheco was at times a curse upon us (when a bad pitcher had to pitch twice), but at others formed a key part of our pitching strategy (when they made Elvis pitch twice as often). We are respecting the letter of the law, but in our hearts, the immobilized Nerd makes the Dream Team.

DOC ANICE: Doc was a near-miss contender for both the Lineup and Rotation, just barely being edged out by Lang Richardson in the former case and Bright Zimmerman in the latter. Of special note is Doc’s Season 23 in the Lineup, where they almost single-handedly countered the effect of Jaxon Buckley being a Subtractor with a huge 120 RBIs.

And that’s it. The Philly Pies All-Star Dream Team. We’ve been at the top, we’ve been at the bottom. We won the first Championship and we caused the Apocalypse. We still want that third title. 

Never estimate the Pies.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here. 

The post Gonna Pie Now: The Philly Pies All-Star Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

It is the middle of the Discipline Era, and the Tacos are losing. Again. It is their fate, it always has been, and it seems like it always will be. The demise of the Shelled One brought about a change of fortune, however, and the Infinite Cities started appearing in the post-season prior to the Grand Siesta, and in the Expansion Era were arguably the most consistent contender in the entire ILB. Unlikely as it may have seemed in those dark Discipline days, Los Angeli turned things around, and players transformed from cult heroes into veritable all-stars.

As such, the Tacos can participate in an exercise that once seemed like the most wishful of thinking— creating the all-time Taco roster. As with the other articles in this series, there are some rules in place to keep things on the straight and narrow.

1. There will be the standard 9 Lineup Players and 5 Pitching Players. Players cannot Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season on that team in their role.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be used once in the 14 positions.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

Make sense? Excellent. To that end, I sat down with some of my BACo. podcast co-hosts and we hashed out over a couple of hours what we believe to be the 14 best individual seasons from 24 years of Taco Blaseball history, in a hopefully optimized order. Stats are the “triple slash” of Batting Average, On-Base Percentage, and Slugging Percentage, and any other relevant statistics to help support the choices will be in the notes. Presenting the Taco All-Stars!

Lineup

1. Basilio Mason (Season 24) – .295/.463/.593

The BMase redemption arc was long in the making. A day-one Taco, they didn’t miss a single game until a reverb into the rotation in season 20, a remarkable feat for any player, especially one that supposedly doesn’t even like Blaseball. An infusion in the thick of the Expansion Era helped turn them into an OBP titan, thanks to a Moxie stat that ranked second behind only Jaxon Buckley at Season 24’s end. The lead-off spot is perfect for a player who can consistently get on base the way they can, but the ability to hit for power and not be a complete idiot on the basepaths (which is extremely rare in LA) has turned them into a superstar. With the one spot in the Lineup, the turnaround is complete.

2. Halexandrey Walton (Season 11) – .278/.383/.541

The Apex Hex was an incredibly popular Taco, and the offense-heavy environment of the Season 11 Wild Low was Hex at the peak of her powers, making use of the Divisional Walk in the Park to draw a whopping 98 walks that season, just under one a game, a number that no one else around the league could even come close to that year— Igneus Delacruz (RIV) was second with 82. Throw the 31 home runs into the mix as well, and you have that power element to her game. Peanut allergies, trades, and Alternation have left her a very different animal now, but they’ll always be a fan favorite and this season helps prove why.

3. Rat Mason (Season 20) – .371/.414/.598

Batting three is the greatest Taco of all-time, the legendary iconic Rat Mason, inadvertent star of the Semi-Centennial. Their contribution in the “Oops, all Masons” Lineup that gave the Tacos the Internet Series title in Season 17 cannot be understated, but Season 20 gets the nod, with its OPS of 1.012, the finest of Rat’s storied career. Their home run output was down that year, but the godly ability to consistently get on base makes up for it, and the .389 average with Runners In Scoring Position shows how important they were for the offense. They slot in at 3 here, a helpful spot with a high likelihood of runners on second or third to drive home, and Walton’s high walk rate has the added advantage of not giving Rat any bases to steal. Well, try and steal, anyway. Rat te amo!

4. Valentine Games (Season 12) – .314/.340/.709

What can I say about Val that hasn’t been said before? An absolute powerhouse of the splort, the name put fear in the hearts of pitchers for the entirety of their career. While their best season may have come in a Fridays jersey, ironically in the team that the Tacos beat to win the Season 17 title, Season 12 gets the nod from their time in the Infinite Cities. After the offensive boom in Seasons 10 and 11, most players came back to normality in the first tick of the Expansion Era. Not Val, who continued to mash for extra bases like the Grand Siesta never happened. They bat clean-up in the roster, and should drive in a big bucket-load of runs because that’s what Valentine Games does.

5. Mcdowell Mason (Season 19) – .324/.367/.819

The long-time captain, Mcdowell has always been more of a slugger than a consistent on-base player, but Season 19 had the best of both worlds. While he didn’t match the record-setting 70 home runs he hit the season prior, the 54 they hit this season was still phenomenal, coupled with the best batting average of his career. Powered by the One (Clutch Wooden Rock Ring), the improved contact helped them to hit a whopping 48 triples, and the stolen base numbers of a 38:6 success rate meant that even when the cap’ wasn’t hitting for extra bases, they might just take them anyway. The beating heart of the Tacos for so many seasons sits at the heart of the Lineup here in the number five spot.

6. Fish Summer (Season 21) – .333/.361/.615

Fish Summer ended up in the Infinite Cities entirely by accident and then Faxed into the Shadows their very first game. What a legend. They came out in Season 20 and tore the house down, then came back the following season even better. They might not feel like a Taco, having had much more storied runs with the Moist Talkers and the Crabs, but they were a formidable lead-off hitter, despite their propensity for being swept Elsewhere, setting the tone for a championship run that never quite emerged before the Georgias finally got their man Fish. Their time on the Tacos was brief, but the offensive output more than earns the spot, and Hot Fish Summer slots in at six.

7. Felix Garbage (Season 20) – .274/.294/.537

One of my favorite moves the Tacos has ever made was the Garbage for Gwiffin trade, and while Owl Dad never perhaps provided the impact either team had hoped for (shame the Gwiffuse never panned out), the good doctor Garbage has been maybe even better than expected. Season 24 has an astronomical OBP thanks to Skipping and Walk in the Park, but Season 20 (the only repeat season on the Lineup) was probably Doc providing the slugging that the Taco faithful crave, and the .400 BA/RISP is never something to be sniffed at. The deal sealer is the postseason performance— their OPS in the Season 20 playoffs was 1.117, and almost carried the Tacos to the Wild League crown. Felix floats on to seven in the lineup, a good spot for a player with production, but also still untapped potential in their future, given that the first half of their career was spent in the Mills’ rotation.

8. Sexton Wheerer (Season 17) – .244/.264/.532

The only hitting season selected from the Season 17 triumph is Sexton’s, and the hitting numbers are respectable (the best of his career), if not remarkable. What works in their favor is the postseason OPS of .886, including no fewer than nine home runs, and the fact that Wheerer possesses a quality that many in Los Angeli have lacked— defense. A standout defender, the ability with the glove almost justifies a spot in itself. Having that high Omniscience on the field for every game, rather than just one in five, swings Sexton into the Lineup at eight.

9. Basilio Fig (Season 15) – .206/.252/.562

Basilio Fig is so weird. I mean that in the best possible way. Their OPS fluctuates between great, average, and awful seemingly on the roll of a die each season, and their stat spread is quite unlike any other player I can recall. The temptation was strong to pick a later Season after the Tacos committed Fire Science and gave Fig the hilarious and devastating Fire Eater/Unstable combination, but Season 15 encapsulates everything Fig is about as a player. They had 91 hits this season. Only 28 of those were singles, and only nine were doubles. That leaves nearly two-thirds of their hits being triples and homers; 23 and 35 respectively. This is the perfect ‘Fig hits big’ season— the disparity between BA/OBP and SLG may never be seen again, and there’s a good chance the Tacos miss the postseason without Fig’s power-hitting that year. A player as strange as Fig is perfect to round off the Lineup, and their phenomenal triple hitting thanks to their high Ground Friction leaves them in a great place to be driven home by the top of the order.

Honorable mentions go to Nicholas Vincent (Season 14), whose potential was snuffed out by a Rogue Umpire before we ever saw their best; Patel Beyonce (Season 5), who was a shining light for the Tacos in the dark days of the Discipline Era; and Wyatt Dovenpart (Season 7), an unmistakable part of the creation of the Infinite Los Angeli whose on-field efforts are often forgotten.

Rotation:

1. Michelle Sportsman (Season 21) — -0.04 ERA

Look, I know that items can be ephemeral, and Underhanded seems quite unfair, but it’s impossible to talk about Michelle Sportsman without bringing it up. Underhanded Michelle Sportsman broke Blaseball. There are six seasons where a pitcher finished with a negative ERA, and Chell has four of them. Season 21 gets the nod, with 31 Quality Starts out of 33 games, and fewer hits and home runs than Season 20 despite a slightly higher ERA, an identical WHIP (I know, right? Blaseball.), and a better postseason performance, with a -0.43 ERA over three contests, to go with it. We knew Michelle would be the envy of the league, and so it proved, but for two glorious seasons the Sickos in the Taco Stand were out in full force, and Sportsman heads up the Rotation here.

2. Yummy Elliott (Season 17) — 3.39 ERA

Yummy Elliott, a childhood Tacos fan, is the best, most consistent pitcher that the Tacos have ever had, in this writer’s opinion, and I’m not sure it’s close. This gives us a wide variety of seasons to pick from, which poses some nice problems. Season 19 has the best ERA, 1.58, and was also the season Yummy threw their perfect game, against the Boston Flowers (the first perfect game in ILB history with the loser having a run, thanks to Boston’s Home Field Advantage). Part of the reason it hasn’t been selected is that Elliott spent the first part of the season in the Shadows, as they are occasionally wont to do, thanks to Al Pastor’s fax machine. Yummy spent some time Shadowed in Season 17 as well, although only for one game (thanks, McBaseball Clembons), and their regular-season ERA of 3.39, with a WHIP of 0.80, are very creditable if not outstanding. The reason this season gets the nod is for her postseason performance— with Wyatt Mason IV shelled, Yummy pitched two-thirds of the Tacos games in the playoffs, posting a 2.87 ERA, winning every single outing after the opening contest against the Firefighters, including holding their nerve in the Internet Series decider, giving up just the one run through ten innings, to finish with a 6-1 postseason record and winning LA their first (and so far only) Internet Series). The numbers are better in other years, but playing their best when it mattered most makes this the choice.

3. Vito Kravitz (Season 15) — 2.68 ERA

For the first half of their career, Vito was a hitter at the bottom of the Taco lineup (after a Feedback swap with the Flowers for Moses Mason (RIV)). This flattered Kravitz, who loved a groundout more than anyone ever thought possible. They were Foreshadowed for Nicholas Vincent after Season 13, and spent Season 14 in the Shadows, selling lots of very affordable used cars. It was during this time-off that the Taco Stand hatched a plan— what if we made the skeleton pitch? It was a stroke of genius. Vito’s first season on the mound, Season 15, was lights out, posting a 2.68 ERA, 0.689 WHIP, 24 Quality Starts, and a strikeout to walk ratio of 186.5. He continually peppered the strike zone, and the Rotation was better for it. As the Ruthlessness era of pitching faded, Vito’s deficiencies in other areas began to catch up, and their pitching days may be behind him (especially now they frustratingly refuse to leave the Lineup again), but their contribution in the early part of their pitching career should not be understated, and his rookie season stands the test of time.

4. Wyatt Mason IV (Season 16) – 2.99 ERA

When Ivy arrived in the second Wyatt Masoning (how crazy is it that we have to clarify), the Tacos fans rejoiced that they appeared to be one of the better Echoes, and as their namesakes quickly staticked out, it became apparent that Ivy might be around long-term. Thus, Ivy received an infusion in the Season 15 elections, and the improvement in Season 16 was strong enough to justify the decision, and also earn a spot in the All-Star rotation. The ERA is very good, but the WHIP is outstanding at 0.691, posting 20 Quality Starts out of 33 games. They Shelled themself in Season 17, and their career has never hit the same heights afterward, but Season 16 is probably the best season any player named Wyatt Mason has ever had, and there is a ludicrous number to pick from.

5. Patel Beyonce (Season 7) – 2.73 ERA

Well now, what’s this? A Discipline Era nominee? You better believe it. Beyonce nearly snuck in as a hitter, and may well have made the Lineup were it not for their performance on the mound. The Tacos were not good, and for a player on that team to put up a 2.73 ERA was absolutely unheard of— it was the fifth-best ERA in the entire ILB. Wins are not necessarily a good stat, but for a Taco pitcher to post a 12-8 record at that time is ridiculous given the lack of run support, and with 14 Quality Starts out of 20 (tied for fourth league-wide) it could perhaps have been even more. They pitched a league-leading five shutouts that year as well. Hitting across the league was not as strong then as it is now, but PBae’s season was still strong enough to provide the only reputation in our team from those unsuccessful early Taco years.

Honorable mentions go to Sexton Wheerer (Season 13), the rock of the Rotation for so long, still the all-time leader in ILB history for the number of pitches thrown despite last taking the mound in Season 14, and posted a 3.04 ERA this season but was better utilized in the lineup; Lucas Petty (Season 24), a recent Taco addition who has quickly become a fan favorite, and whose penchant for Partying means that their best is probably still to come; and Pitching Machine (Season 8), a first-ballot Hall of Famer, certified Legend, and beloved league-wide, but whose best seasons came in other uniforms (both as a pitcher and as a hitter, where they counter-intuitively spent more of their career). So there you have it, the Taco All-Stars, which I’m sure absolutely no one will disagree with on any front. If you’re interested in the discussion process, I recommend listening to the BACo. episode where we discuss the choices in-depth, which can be found at https://blaseballanalysisco.libsyn.com/episode-5-the-perfect-taco.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here. 

The post All-Baco Tacos: LA Unlimited Tacos Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Chicago. It’s a place where people are From. In the last 24 seasons, 45 players have played for Chicago for some amount of time. In a perfect world, we could combine all of these players into one beautiful, horrifying, Chicagoan mega-team monstrosity. Alas, the world we live in is not a perfect one. Still, one can imagine— a team of normal size, made up of the best Chicago has had to offer in the time since Blaseball returned. A beautiful dream, to be sure.

Well, as part of BNN’s Dream Teams series, we can make this dream… a team. Get it? Like the name of the series? Do you get it?

LET’S GO TO THE RULES!

1. There will be the standard 9 Lineup Players and 5 Pitching Players. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season on that team in their role.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be used once in the 14 positions.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

And with that, introducing the Chicago Firefighters Dream Team!

Lineup

Lou Roseheart (S23) — BA 0.303 – OPS 1.022 – TB 263 – Stolen Bases 83
Justice Spoon (S7) — BA 0.337 – OPS 1.126 – OBP 0.371 – SLG 0.755
Baby Triumphant (S23) — OPS 0.932 – HR 39 – RBI 193.9 – TB 328 – SLG 0.622

The dream Firefighters lineup starts with a trio of original team members. Lou would be a great fit on the Rotation as well (especially their 1.42 ERA/0.682 WHIP in Season 19. I mean COME ON), but their skill at stealing bases makes them a perfect candidate for a leadoff batter. Then comes Justice Spoon, whose performance in Season 7 is without a doubt the best single-season a player has had in franchise history (that slugging percentage, man. I can’t get over it). Those two are backed up by Baby Triumphant, whose slugging skills were made all the more dangerous by them gaining both the Reverberating and Magnified Modifications during the Expansion Era. Lou, Justice, and Baby are all exceptional players and are an easy choice for the start of the dream Firefighters Lineup.

Peanut Holloway (S13) — SLG 0.644 – OPS 1.001 – OBP 0.357 – BA 0.309
Peanutiel Duffy (S11) — SLG 0.631 – OPS 0.973 – OBP 0.342 – BA 0.322
Goobie Ballson (S11) — SLG 0.618 – OPS 0.973 – OBP 0.355 – BA 0.318

Next comes a trio of sluggers, none of whom have committed any crimes, injured any people, or sworn allegiance to any evil gods. You can’t prove anything. Duffy and Holloway came to the team following Season 10 day X, and both quickly proved their use and skill to the team even from the back of the Firefighters’ suddenly long lineup. They’re joined by Goobie, who’s been moved from their usual position at the top of the Lineup to one that’ll hopefully make the best use of their slugging skills. These three are DANGEROUS, figuratively speaking.

Edric Tosser (S4) — BA 0.321 – OPS 0.946 – OBP 0.366 – SLG 0.580
Wesley Poole (S3) — BA 0.328 – OPS 0.816 – TB 155
Isaac Johnson (S10) — BA 0.292 – OPS 0.884 – SLG 0.562 – Sippies 7

We end with three solid Discipline Era seasons. Edric and Wesley would both spend the back half of the era as pitchers, but before the FFs’ full team Reverb in Season 5, both put up great numbers as members of our Lineup. I want to highlight Edric’s Season 4 specifically: Edric was, believe it or not, a genuinely great batter before the Alternate Reality Decree and the Season 5 Reverb turned them into the mediocre pitcher we all know and love. Unlike Edric, Wesley would eventually return to the Lineup, spending a couple of solid seasons as lead-off batter before once again being Reverbed onto the Rotation. I guess the universe just wants him to pitch! 

Finally, the team is rounded out by Isaac Johnson. Ike was a very consistent player across their 22 Seasons on the team, making it hard to pick just one season. Eventually, I settled on Season 10, not because of his performance as much as because that was the season when Ike used their new siphon mod to boost their defense to frankly terrifying levels. The 2.41 defense stars Isaac gained in Season 10 cemented them as the defensive backbone of the team and laid the groundwork for the defense-heavy Firefighters of the Expansion Era. Big ups to The Him!

There’s the Lineup! Big thanks to Vince for helping me put this together with actual real-world stat knowledge. I also want to give a quick honorable mention to Firefighters player Declan Suzanne, who ended the regular season of Season 5 with a bizarrely good 0.299 BA and 0.920 OPS, then ate a peanut in Game 4 of the Internet Series and went 0.228 BA/0.587 OPS the next season. If Dec was never allergic to peanuts they would now be an absolute nightmare of a batter.

Rotation

Gabriel Griffith (S17) — 18-2 – ERA 1.54 – HR 12 – SHO 8
Wanda Schenn (S22) — 16-0 – ERA -0.21 – R -3.40

The FFs Rotation starts off with a pair of Expansion Era fan faves who’ve put up unreal numbers on the Rotation. Gabriel Griffith, much like Lou Roseheart, has played great seasons both as a pitcher and a batter (shoutout to their .324 BA/1.114 OPS in Season 23), but I had to put them here for Season 17 Gabe’s league-best ERA and 8 shutouts in 20 games. 

Wanda Schenn, on the other hand, spent their last season on the Firefighters both Underhanded and undefeated Wanda’s Underhanded mod also led to them having a hilarious negative ERA, a beautiful data crime if I ever saw one. It’s worth saying that Wanda missed four games of this season due to being Elsewhere— I think their stats in the games she played are good enough to justify the edge case in the rules, but I’ll also shoutout their 1.19 ERA/1.227 WHIP Season 21 performance in case you, dear reader, disagree. Either way, this spot on the Rotation belongs to Wanda.

Kennedy Rodgers (S13) — 17-3 – ERA 2.25 – WHIP 0.750 – HR 16
Rivers Rosa (S13) — 15-5 – ERA 2.53 – WHIP 0.825 – QS 15
Caleb Alvarado (S14) — 14-6 – ERA 2.68 – WHIP 0.792

The Rotation is rounded out by a trio of early Expansion Era seasons from now-Shadowed fan faves! First is Kennedy Rodgers, who spent their first four seasons on the team as, and I say this affectionately, an absolutely miserable pitcher. When they received the Over Under mod in the Season 12 Reading, Kennedy abruptly became a force to be reckoned with. Season 13 was Ken’s first full season with the mod (which makes them overperform when fewer than 5 runs have been scored by the opposing team), and that boost propelled them to end the regular season tied for the best win-loss percentage in the League.

We finish off the roster with two long-time members of the Firefighters rotation. First, there’s Rivers Rosa, who was a rock-solid pitcher before being done extremely dirty by Consumer attacks. Their last season on the Firefighters featured a career-best ERA! Go Rivers! Finally, there’s Caleb Alvarado, a deeply underrated pitcher who spent twelve seasons holding down the fort as the only remaining member of our original Rotation. Caleb, frankly, has a half dozen seasons good enough to make this list, but I had to go with their career-best ERA and WHIP in Season 14. Fingers crossed that the boost they received from Night weather in Season 24 will return them to their pre-peanut glory days and they can continue striking fear into teams’ hearts in the next era.

A case could be made that Axel Trololol’s one full season on the Firefighters should have made the cut instead of Rivers and Caleb. Don’t get me wrong, Axel was very very good, but their 2.11 ERA and 0.836 WHIP from Season 4 are comparable to Rivers and Caleb at their best. For longtime fans, Caleb and Rivers are synonymous with Firefighters pitching, and no team of iconic FFs players would be complete without them on it.

And that’s it! There’s no telling what the future holds for the Firefighters— if this lineup makes anything clear, it’s that the shape of the team can change in an instant. I’m sure the next era will be filled with even more weird shakeups and great performances. For now: We Are From Chicago!

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here. 

The post Fight Fire With Fire: Chicago Firefighters Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

The end of the Expansion Era has come and gone, and with all this time on our hands we’ve been presented the perfect opportunity to explore the last 24 seasons in more depth.

And so the All-Star project was born, what would each team’s All-Star roster look like?

Many teams have explored the idea so far, and now it’s the Boston Flowers turn.

Here are the rules below:

1. Team sizes will be standard. 9 Lineup and 5 Rotation Players. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season played with that team.
3. The player must have played for at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be selected once across all 14 slots.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

Lineup

Let’s dig in starting with the first three batters:

Jacob Haynes (S24) – BA 0.384 – OPS 1.151 
Scores Baserunner (S13) – BA 0.357 – OPS 1.091
Lenny Spruce (S24) – BA 0.354 – OPS 1.131

Jacob, Scores, and Lenny represent the most consistent batters to take to the plate in a Flowers jersey and thus make the perfect choices to open things up. 

In Season 24 the Boston Flowers managed to finish in “1st” despite the… shenanigans, and my investigation into their All-Star roster has shown that it was quite possibly their best season player-performance wise too. 

Four of our best performing players came from that Season, beating out Seasons 11, and 18 both tied with 2 players each.

Jacob Haynes, a Season 1 veteran, had the most consistent batting average in team history with a solid 0.384 BA in Season 24.

Scores Baserunner came out hard early at the beginning of the Expansion Era cementing themself as the second most consistent batter in team history.

Lenny Spruce has stolen quite a few bases in their time, taking 27 in Season 24 despite being on a 13 player long Lineup.

Next, we have the cleanup crew:

Margarito Nava (S24) – SLG 0.782 – BA 0.345
Hiroto Cerna (S9) – SLG 0.723 – BA 0.327
Beck Whitney (S4) – SLG 0.618 – BA 0.312

Margarito Nava is an all-around great batter, but in particular, they’re the single best slugger the team has ever had, sure to bring their teammates home with an impressive 0.782 SLG. 

If they don’t succeed, Hiroto Cerna will burn bright and follow up with their impressive SLG of 0.723.

Beck Whitney is well-known for their performances on the Miami Dale and the Hawaii Fridays but their skill at hitting home runs by the dozen existed even back during their time on the Boston Flowers.

And last but not least, the final three:

Nic Winkler (S11) –  BA 0.307 – OPS 1.01
Glabe Moon (S14) – BA 0.284 – OPS 0.950
Gloria Bugsnax (S11) –  BA 0.274 – OPS 0.932

Finding the last three was the hardest part of the endeavor. Boston has spent so long with an oversized Lineup that after our best and brightest there’s a long list of competent batters ready to fill in.

Ultimately, three well-known Flowers came out to round things out.

Nic has been consistent since their birth in Season 2, Glabe Moon is a defensive powerhouse who now rests in the Vault as a Legend, and finally, Gloria Bugsnax, a thief of more than just bases.

Rotation

Lowe Forbes (S24) 0.52 ERA
Chorby Short (S18)  2.15 ERA
Nagomi McDaniel (S14) 1.30 ERA
Cory Twelve (S18) 2.35 ERA
Castillo Turner (S21) 1.35 ERA

Lowe is a newcomer to the team, having been taken in Season 23 from the Breckenridge Jazz Hands, and only left the Shadows on Day 1 of Season 24. But thanks to the Underhanded Modification, they quickly took the lead with an ERA of merely 0.52.

Season 18 was Boston’s strongest pitching season, with both Chorby Short and Cory Twelve joining our All-Star team from that point in time. 

Chorby Short had 8 Shutouts in the regular season, with Cory Twelve only one behind with 7 Shutouts. Cory Twelve gave out a grand total of 0, yes, 0 walks in the regular season of Season 18.

If you ever look up the definition of “giving no quarter” all you’ll see is a photo of these two powerhouses, they were responsible for a combined 688 strikeouts in the Season 18 regular season.

Not to be outdone, Legendary player Nagomi McDaniel made the most of their time on the Flowers, also reaching 8 Shutouts and 220 strikeouts despite playing on a larger Rotation.

And of course, the true Boston Flowers All-Star Castillo Turner is here to close out the roster. Castillo Turner has done many impressive things in their career, both as a legendary batter and pitcher but their true home is throwing strike after strike at the mound.

Castillo only narrowly falls behind Nagomi McDaniel in terms of ERA, with a respectable 5 Shutouts and 255 strikes to their name in Season 21.

Closing Words

The Boston Flowers tend to be overlooked due to their history of a long Lineup and weak roster, understandably so. But in digging into the numbers, it really shows that they had potential. 

In the future, if they choose to slim down their roster they’ll quickly dig themselves out of Underbracket contention and right into the Overbracket… if those are even things when Blaseball returns. 

Nobody knows what the future holds, so only one thing is certain: We’re the Flowers!

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here. 

The post Flower Power: Boston Flowers Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

The Millennials managed to kill Sun 30, the Economy (All You Can Eat), and the Coin as part of the roving band of Rogue Teams from the Hall before getting swallowed by Black Hole(Black Hole) on Day 99 of Season 24. Not a bad way to go out! The Millennials received a handout of an extended credit from fiery benefactor Namerifeht and the Reader has promised that the New York Millennials will return! Though in what capacity, who can say. In the meanwhile, I have been tasked to submit an All-Star Team of Millennials.

When tasked with compiling an All-Star Team of Millennials by Roommate-Rival Panda of the Hellmouth Sunbeams, the following caveats were to be maintained:

1. Team sizes will be standard. 9 Lineup and 5 Rotation Players. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single Season played with that Team.
3. The Player must have played for at least one full season with that Team.
4. A Player can only be selected once across all 14 slots.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

The Millennials may not have achieved (Under)Championships, but have generally been perennial contenders in the Day 99 scrungle of maybe making it to the Playoffs with several other Teams. I submit to you, dear reader, the creme of the crop from New York:

Dominic Marijuana (S3) — 17 HR, 0.957 OPS
Thomas Dracaena (S3)— 86 R, 84 RBI, 1.083 OPS
Wesley Dudley (S3)— 10 HR, 10 SB, 0.958 OPS
Schneider Bendie (S4)— 68 R (so close), 29 HR, 14 SB, 0.903 OPS

These Discipline Era Mills are a solid core. Our former Captain and Hall Star, Dominic Marijuana, was a solid slugger, know for their many dingers over the edge of hovering stadium Battin’ Island. Thomas Dracaena is still a top earner of Runs for the Mills to this day, though many would say their best days were one of a select few natural five-star batters in the early days that we witnessed. Wesley Dudley and Schneider Bendie round out these selections as excellent base thieves and prominent hitters in their own right. If not for this core, and other early Mills, we may not have gotten to the Season 3 and Season 4 Internet Series.

Sandie Turner (S15)— 53 HR, 105.2 RBI, 43 SB, 1.203 OPS

A special mention of Sandie Turner, who in Season 15 earned the top record for most Home Runs in one season at the time. From a wimdy’d Hot Sauce Packet in Season 7 Elections to a win with Inter Xpresso in the Coffee Cup, Spicy and Perk made for a dangerous combo, and when Sandie Turner would get a Hit (and did), there was little that could stop them. If not for an unfortunate Consumer Attack during the waning days of Season 15, Sandie Turner might have been a Vaulted All-Star for the trifecta Economy. They made a recovery after a stay in the Mills’ Shadows (often cited as New Jersey) thanks to an energetic Voicemail, and should the Team remain intact in Season 25/12j, we’ll be happy to see Sandie Turner become Red Hot once again.

Andrew Solis (S15)— 32 HR, 65 RBI, 10 SB, 0.865 OPS
Hatfield Suzuki (S15)— 21 HR, 61.7 RBI, 40 SB, 0.822 OPS
Nandy Fantastic (S21)— 23 HR, 14 SB, 1.107 OPS
Beck Whitney (S23)— 29 HR, 110 SB, 0.985 OPS

The Expansion Era was largely unkind to the New York Millennials as a franchise, between an ever-changing Roster and a Sharknado hitting New York between Season 15 and Season 16 they only recently recovered from. That being said there was some quality talent in an Era after our Captain’s departure.

Former Spy and brief Worm, Andrew Solis, has been a notable defense against the elements as our Fire-Eater. Hatfield Suzuki, a Season 1 Shadow, debuted in Season 13 and became a fan favorite during their time with this organization as a reliable hitter, stealer, and skateboarder. Nandy Fantastic gaining the Undefined Modification in the Season 20 Elections showed us what the First of the Bloodhouse could really do. Finally, Beck Whitney as one of the best players in the entire League really showed their stuff with 110 stolen bases, and with her help, the Millennials made it to the Season 23 Overbracket! Without a Wild Card! With such a fast turnaround after the failure to Unwin the Underbracket Championship in Season 23, Beck’s role on the Lineup was an impressive one.

Theodore Cervantes (S15)— 16-1, 1.49 ERA, 5 SHO, 198 SO
Penelope Mathews (S15)— 11-5, 2.49 ERA, 156 SO
Patty Fox (S19)— 12-8, 2.35 ERA, 3 SHO, 149 SO
Castillo Turner (S19)— 16-4, 1.06 ERA, 10 SHO, 195 SO
Sandie Carver (S24)— 14-2, 1.69 ERA, 5 SHO, 122 SO

The Mills’ Rotation has been a routinely strong one in the Discipline Era; between Hard-Boiled detective Uncle Plasma, Underhanded Beck Whitney, and Homebody Attractor Chorby Short, it was difficult to select a Rotation of five. Theodore Cervantes, Penelope Mathews, and Patty Fox were a longtime trio of solid pitching for the Mills, with almost 15 combined stars among them. Castillo Turner, during an era of Too Many Parties, was a devastating pitcher for us, attaining an ERA comparable to record best human pitchers in our material non-bloodsplort. Sandie Carver has been a late Expansion Era star, and with a Literal Arm Cannon earned in the Season 23 Elections. In the style of former Breath Mints teammate and Hall Star Axel Trololol, Carver left their mark in the final Season of Blaseball Beta.

Notable Record:
Anathema Elemefayo (S17)— 375 SO

An All-Star list would not be complete without Anathema Elemefayo. While they became a notable and solid pitcher in later seasons (oft referred to as “Piesbane” against our Mild High opponent Philly Pies), Anathema Elemefayo set a regular-season record of 375 strikeouts in Season 17. As a batter. Reader, thank you for letting us put our Trust in you, for Anathema’s Alternate Trust would then earn them a top ten regular Season walks of 59 at 10th place in Season 19.

Will the Millennials franchise attain sweet gold (or purple) when we return? Who’s to say, but I can probably guarantee one thing: the New York Millennials are definitely a Blaseball team.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here.

The post Nostalgically Allocated Millennials Everlastingly Refined In Fonts, Erudition, Headers, Titles: New York Millennials Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

I figured I would give the performance of Yellowstone Magic over the past two eras a look-see and report back with what I’d say is our All-Star Roster. I am happy to report that Magic is… OK! I’m also pleasantly surprised to report that we’ve had more than just one early Discipline Era player represented— Wow!

But first, the rules:

1. Team sizes will be standard. 9 in the Lineup and 5 in the Pitching Rotation. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season played with that team.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be selected once across all 14 slots.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

Without further ado, let’s look at who I’ve picked for my first four Lineup players.

Washer Barajas (S4) — OBP .367, BA .332, 135 H (6 2B, 7 3B, 17 HR)
Bonk Jokes (S12) — OBP .360, BA .299
Francisco Preston (S4) — OBP .380, 21 HR, 21 SB, SLG .618
Bevan Wise (S17) — BA .306, SLG .600, OBP .332

This is almost a carbon copy of Magic’s Lineup for like… thirteen seasons. Unfortunately, Sutton didn’t make the cut— a lack of optimal performance and suffering from anaphylactic shock means that they just couldn’t perform up to snuff. Had great base-stealing though. And I’d like to give a special shoutout to Bevan Wise from Season 24, who only managed to get back onto Lineup permanently after getting ping-ponged around while Magnified about… halfway through a season. They were also the strongest they’d ever been. What a shame.

OK! Moving on.

Tiana Wheeler (S16) — BA .313, 41 2B, 37 HR, BA/RISP .442
James Mora (S20) — BA .340, OBP .357, 300 TB
Ziwa Mueller (S23) — BA .251, RBI 143.30, 8 SH
Jesús Koch (S23) — BA .332, 24 3B, OPS .985

The next set of players looks oddly placed but please bear with me. I want Tiana in front of James to prevent them from stealing if they can’t manage to bring Tiana home, and a Magnified Ziwa comes up after to hit a triple for the yummy 4x Magnified Runs. Ziwa is tragically “not that good.” But what Ziwa does have is a full season of play while Magnified as a Batter on Magic, and that’s literally good enough to make up for the otherwise poor performance. Also, Jesús is just great. They get to hang out with Bevan on the “Triples Hit Career Leaderboard,” and the only reason Bevan couldn’t catch up was that they were pitching for three seasons.

Last but not least…

Oscar Dollie (S13) — .313 BA, 13 3B, 19 HR, .944 OPS

Oscar Dollie is like the fear factor. The guy at the end of a Lineup with a bat that has probably been used to commit a crime. Oscar Dollie has never had a chance to dominate performance charts. Oscar hits for the fences, cannot be stopped when it gets going, and genuinely is probably the most powerful player Magic ever had in the early days. But never was Oscar considered Idol-worthy. Probably because it’s bad form to idolize a demon, but also because of how few plate appearances the last player on a Lineup sees. Oscar is a sleeper hit. Oscar stays at the end because I’d like someone who’s good at cleaning up the bases, and I want someone who can get easily batted in by Washer.

For our pitching Rotation, our choices were far more limited. Easier for the first four, but it’s a bit worrisome when you realize how very little our pitching staff has changed over the seasons.

King Weatherman (S21) — Underhanded, ERA 0.45, -38 HR, 11.30 R, 1.321 WHIP
Cravel Gesundheit (S18) — ERA 3.34, 175 H / 83.1 R, WHIP .821
Inky Rutledge (S17) — ERA 2.45, WHIP .722, 5 SHO, 1.0 HR9
Curry Aliciakeyes (S18) — ERA 1.94. 8 SHO, 241 SO, 21 QS

… OK, yeah, that’s it! That’s all our pitchers. Nothing wrong here.

Curry maintains their 4th Pitcher position, due to the nature of Postseason brackets but I wanted to mention them first. Season 18 was probably their best performance ever. Though the Rotation was whittled down to four, Curry maintained an ERA of 1.94, literally the best they had ever performed. King with Underhanded is a no-brainer, as maintaining such a comically low ERA was mostly due to King’s unbelievable weakness to home runs, which became their greatest strength. Cravel was a late addition to the pitching crew but showed a lot of promise right out of the gate. Considering Magic spent 16 seasons “working on defense and pitching,” having Cravel was a great boost. Then again, it was at the cost of Inky Rutledge, so it really just became a “well, it’s not the worst possible result in the world!” situation.

And God. Inky Rutledge. You’ve got to be joking. We turned Inky Rutledge into an absolute monster. Inky played 20 games with us before ending up on the Shoe Thieves due to Jaylen Hotdogfingers playing Three Card Monte with our Rotation.

ERA of 2.45, with five shutouts, a Perfect Game versus the Millenials, and a WHIP of .722. Inky, if they stayed with us, probably could have carried us past the Postseason. But should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.

So as I was digging through our trove for pitchers we’ve had for a lengthy period of time, and their performance during, I was very sad to learn who we had to rely on. Our fifth pitcher, our “in case of emergencies” pitcher, our “if they get past Curry, we throw caution to the wind” pitcher…

Logan Rodriguez (S4) — 3.69 ERA, 1.283 WHIP, .47 W-L%, Can’t Keep Getting Away With It
Yeong-Ho Garcia (S3) — 3.69 ERA, 1.096 WHIP, .80 W-L%

Mercifully, and I do mean mercifully, our pinch pitcher is Yeong-Ho Garcia. The Original Yeong-Ho, I should clarify. After Alternates passed, Yeong-Ho became basically on-par with the rest of our pitching staff: Kind of bad. The fact that a Season 3 pitcher performed about on-par with Cravel in Season 18 with the height of Magic’s Defensive Power is an indication of how dire that Alternation was. Yeong-Ho Garcia the Original was a competent pitcher with plenty of room to grow, saw a positive WL ratio which was RARE back then for us, and given time would have been Magic’s second Ace. But we don’t live in that fairy tale.

Honestly, I’m just so absurdly thankful I didn’t have to put Logan on this team.

So to figure out if the Yellowstone Magic All-Star Roster is goo, we must ask ourselves: Are the mounds lowered? No? Then yeah, we’re the best damn team in the All-Star League. If they ARE lowered… Well.

At least they’ll have fun.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here. 

The post Panning for Gold: Yellowstone Magic Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

At the close of the second major era of Blaseball, and with an immense amount of time on our hands, what better to do than to sift through 24 seasons of data?

And what better way to do that than to create each team’s All-Star Roster?

This is one of what we hope will be a series of articles where writers examine a team’s all-time best Roster in the first year of Blaseball. We agreed on a few rules to start with:

1. Team sizes will be standard. 9 in the Lineup and 5 in the Pitching Rotation. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season played with that team.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be selected once across all 14 slots.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

These rules are set in place in order to capture the journey and essence of each of Blaseball’s teams. We want to avoid a replicalooza or a team of all honses. In addition to these standard rules, I also opted not to consider Season 24. It was weird, and difficult to parse, and unnecessary for getting a picture of who the Wings stars have been.

With that in mind, I present “The All Sauce Wings” (and I want you to know, I seriously considered just listing the Championship-winning Season 7 roster, but that’s hardly the point of this exercise now, is it?).

Batters

Summers Preston (S23)— BA 0.297 – OPS 1.01 – Runs 82 – RBI -76
Huber Frumple (S23)— BA 0.282 – OPS 1.027 – TB 355 – RBI 134
José Haley (S7)— BA 0.322 – OPS 1.04 – OBS 0.364

When you need the ball hit a long way with a minimum of fuss, these three are who you call (though José will answer you from the Hall of Flame). It is impossible to overstate the long-lasting performance of Summers Preston; of the top 26 Wings batting seasons by OPS, 14 belong to Summers, and it is no coincidence that the Season 17 Feedback that sent them to the Dale started the string of performances that led to the Wings tanking. Huber Frumple is the new kid on the block for the Wings, having ridden The Fifth Base to the Bucket, and their early work with the Wings are among the best Wings hitting seasons by a number of metrics. José turned in a fantastic performance to power the Wings to the Season 7 postseason, leading to the eventual Championship.

Brock Watson (S23): BA 0.225 – OPS 0.831 – Stolen Bases 95
Josh Watson (S22): BA 0.269 – OPS 0.891 – Doubles 38 – Triples 29
Fran Beans (S19): BA 0.273 – BA/RISP 0.379 – OPS 0.793
Sosa Hayes (S8): BA 0.282 – BA/RISP 0.393 – RBI 78

As the Expansion Era wore on, the Watsons turned into the fastest way on or around the bases for the Wings, while still crushing it when it came to contact. Fran spent a long period of time putting in consistent performances without ever being the number one option for the Wings, with Season 19 being their highpoint, and while I begrudgingly accept that original Wing Sosa Hayes has now spent more time away from The Bucket than in it, their Season 8 showed the promising signs that would later be expanded on in Houston and Atlantis.

Miguel Wheeler (S6): BA 0.269 – OPS 0.806
Larwrence Horne (S5): BA 0.284 – BA/RISP 0.414 – Bases 198

Finally, a look at two Discipline Era seasons from Wings residing in the Hall. Miguel’s Season 6 was the highpoint of a career that would be cut tragically short in the Season 7 postseason, where they became a victim of Jaylen Hotdogfingers, the first Wing incineration, and indeed the first Wing to ever leave the team. Larry Horne was a steady (if unspectacular) contributor to the Lineup who had an unbelievably clutch Season 5, especially by their standards. While not seeming like it now, 198 bases in the Discipline era with its full Lineups was not a bad effort at all; Dominic Marijuana was 10th on the leaderboard that season with 230.

Pitchers

Burke Gonzales (S12)— 17-3 – ERA 1.12 – QS – 20 – BB 0.
Rafael Davids (S13)— 14-6 – ERA 1.95 – QS 17
Silvia Rugrat (S3)— 13-6 – ERA 2.32 – QS 16 – HR9 0.79
Cell Barajas (S22)— 15-7 – ERA 2.89 – H9 0.843
Stephanie Winters (S7)— 9-11 – ERA 6.67 – Postseason ERA 2.67

1, 2, 3, 3, 7, 6. That’s not the pin-code for the Wild Wings Legal Team’s office, but the position Burke Gonzales finished on the ERA leaderboard from Seasons 12-17. By ERA, Burke has 7 of the 8 best Wings Pitching regular seasons, and the only reason it isn’t more is because of a Reverb that drove them to the Lineup late in Season 17 to the collective sighs of relief of the Wild High batters. If Burke had been given any run support, they would have won every game of Season 12. They once won a game by themself through a combination of Coffee 3 and sheer refusal to lose. If Burke had played for the Tigers, they would have played for four different teams and been the target of more Equivalent Exchanges, but as they avoid the press down in Mexico City, they may well be the best player who never became a star.

If Burke is the engine room of the Rotation, then Rafael Davids is its pitching-fuel-drinking heart. While never having as strong a showing as Burke in any individual season, they were just as rough on opposing batters and are the proud owner of the 5th and 9th best Wings Pitching seasons (again, by ERA).

Coming in at the 10th best season is Silvia Rugrat’s Season 3, the best Wild Wings pitching season of the Discipline era. For a long time, Silvia was the queen of the Wings’ Rotation, before their status was gradually eclipsed, first by Burke and then Raf, and finally by Cell Barajas. Cell was originally a Lineup player before the Wings were able to secure their place in the Rotation through The Best Offence Blessing during the Season 12 Elections (before Wills were adjusted to make this a thing anyone could do any season). Since then, they have developed into a fine (if somewhat inconsistent) pitcher, with season 22 being their high point.

At first glance, Stephanie Winters does not belong on this list. Their Season 7 regular season stats aren’t great. They were low enough on the pitching pecking order by stars that they were swapped for Cell as the other half of Best Offence, and they are probably best known for being Shelled in Season 12. But despite the Wings’ reputation as a pitching team, there really hasn’t been a standout season outside of the four previously mentioned players, which leaves this spot wide open for a pick that’s light on stats. Sure, Steph’s stats in the Season 7 Postseason are good (based on a really small sample size), and yes, I freely admit that, as the most prolific author of Summers Preston/Stephanie Winters fiction on Ao3, I am hopelessly biased, but the story of the Wild Wings can’t be told without the Season 7 Championship, and that Championship ends with Steph on the mound doing just enough to hold the Lovers at bay so the Lineup could do their job.

Honorable Mentions:

Jessica Telephone (S13)— BA 0.309 – OPS 1.092 – RBI 80.

Jessica Telephone spent one season with the Wild Wings, and that season was a good batting season. But including the legendary JT on this list would be like referring to legendary Wild Wings Nagomi McDaniel or Wyatt Glover, and there were enough candidates for the Lineup that their inclusion wasn’t necessary. Jessica will be on many of these lists, I’m sure.

Case Sports (S12)— BA 0.216 – BA/RISP 0.313 – OPS 0.56

While they didn’t have a single season deserving of making this list, the story of the Mexico City Wild Wings could not be told without Case Sports. They came into the Lineup in Season 7 to replace the incinerated Miguel Wheeler, returned to the Shadows to allow their dear friend Brock Watson to play, was returned to the active roster as part of the verdict in New York Millennials v. Parker MacMillan III, and was the first player incinerated in the Expansion era.

We did it, Case. We did it. She can’t hurt us anymore. She can’t hurt anyone anymore. We did it. Rest in Violence.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here.

The post All Sauce Wings: Mexico City Wild Wings Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Somebody once told me that the Miami Dale have had some good players over their many seasons. This is my attempt to present what is the Dale All-Star Team. 

When reading this list, keep in mind that the Miami Dale had Hype for most of Season 24. I have chosen to include a couple of players from this Season because their stats are notable, but not impossible. The second thing I would like to address is that there are a few Players on this list that have had better seasons on other teams. This list is only the Player’s peak performance on the Miami Dale, and I would love to see them included on other team’s All-Stars.  As always, there are a couple considerations to keep in mind when making the All-Star teams.

1. There will be the standard 9 Lineup Players and 5 Pitching Players. Players cannot Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season on that team in their role.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be used once in the 14 positions.
5. No Replicas are allowed. Sorry, Lucky Tio.

Without further ado, this is the Miami Dale All-Star Shooting Stars!

Logan Horseman (S17) – OBP 0.425 – BA 0.399 – OPS 1.226 – SB 74
Beck Whitney (S11) – OBP 0.413 – BA 0.341 – OPS 1.083 – SB 51
Rivers Clembons (S20) – OBP 0.398 – OPS 1.109 – BB 55

The first three players in our Lineup are the Dale’s best at getting on base. Season 17 saw Logan Horseman at peak stats post-Election, and this saw Logan becoming Season 17’s League Leader in Batting Average and On-Base Percentage. Season 11 was an incredible Season for Beck Whitney on the Miami Dale with nearly as good stats as peak Logan Horseman well before some of Beck’s peak stars. Finally, we have Rivers Clembons in Season 20 at peak stats as well, with just as solid Season of getting on base.

Francisca Sasquatch (S13) – SLG 0.703 – BA 0.367 – OPS 1.106 – SF 6
Summers Preston (S19) – SLG 0.676 – OPS 0.999 – HR 31
Avila Guzman (S11) – OPS 0.986 – OBP 0.362

My next two Batters are incredible sluggers. These are the Players that will hit the ball deep into the field and bring multiple players home. Fran has consistently swung with power, but Season 13 was one of Fran’s best. With a batting average that made Fran a League Leader and slugging that still holds up in modern eras this makes Fran the perfect choice to follow up the prior three players.

Summers Preston was chosen for the same reasons, just in case Fran was walked or struck out. Summers Preston had a strong Home Run record in Season 19 that significantly helps in this position. Finally, I chose Avila Guzman in Season 11 as my sixth position batter. With a solid On-Base Percentage, this makes Avila the perfect choice to reliably get on base and start another drive.

Richmond Harrison (S24) – OBP 0.378 – SB 128
Jomgy Rosenthal (S24) – OBP 0.390 – OPS 1.002
Caleb Novak (S4) – OBP 0.329 – RBI 50 – 3B 31

Richmond and Jomgy had solid showings in Season 24 with a bonus from Hype. Richmond Harrison was Season 24’s leader in stolen bases, and both would follow up a drive reliably well. I chose Caleb Novak for Ninth position, surprisingly, because Caleb was an incredible batter for the Era with a specialty in hitting Triples. This would bring multiple players home often and close up the Lineup. As for the Rotation….

Qais Dogwalker (S15) – ERA 1.83 – SHO 6 – QS 20 – BB9 – 0.1
Howell Rocha (S24) – ERA 1.34 – SHO 6
Sixpack Santiago (S17) – ERA 2.58 – SHO 8 – QS 26 – BB9 0.2
Liam Snail (S18) – ERA 3.07
Don Elliot (S4) – ERA 3.01 – BB9 0.9

When it comes to the Miami Dale’s pitching, most of these names will probably be safe choices. The Dale have had a sturdy Rotation for multiple seasons with relatively few changes. Qais Dogwalker is now becoming a strong batter, but I couldn’t stop myself from including Qais in the Rotation. Season 15 was one of Qais’ best seasons with only three walks and a fourth of their games being shutouts. Qais’ Season 15 Postseason appearance was also a shutout with no walks.

Howell boasts one of the best ERAs in Season 24 despite not being Underhanded. Sixpack Santiago carried Season 17 for Miami Dale’s Rotation. Liam Snail’s best season was included, but Liam still has a lot of room to grow. Finally, a surprise to me, but I found out that Don Elliot was good in Season 4. Keep in mind that this was Season 4’s stats, where the best ERAs were around 2.0.

For a long time, the Miami Dale was the place you party at, but they have since become the place where you party at during the Postseason. Since Season 15, they have only missed two Postseasons, and continue to get better as a team whether their goal is an Overchampionship or an Underchampionship. Who knows what’s over the Horizon for the Miami Dale, but I know they will party on. DALE!

Special bad stat shoutouts!

Caleb Novak with a Career leading 2623 Strikeouts.
Rivers Clembons for allowing 1285 Batters to walk in total.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here.

The post Shooting Stars: Miami Dale Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

The Breath Mints. A team with but a singular championship to our name, despite some of the best Will discipline in the League. We even pulled off the Plasma Pinch— perhaps the greatest play of all time (I promise I’m not biased). But according to some, our ensmallened team isn’t so much a team as it is a Horse and some players that get in her way. Well, I’m ready to prove everyone wrong, with my take on the freshest, mintiest roster of fourteen imaginable:

Lineup:
Winnie Hess I
Winnie Hess II
Winnie Hess III
Winnie Hess IV
Winnie Hess V
Winnie Hess VI
Winnie Hess VII
Winnie Hess VIII
Winnie Hess IX

Rotation:
Winnie Hess X
Winnie Hess XI
Winnie Hess XII
Winnie Hess XIII
Winnie Hess XIV

… Hold on. I’ve been informed by Panda that despite Winnie being in the Vault now, we have banned replicas to prevent this exact situation. Rats. The “rules” are as follows:

1. Team sizes will be standard. 9 Line-up and 5 Rotation Players. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season played with that team.
3. The player must have played for at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be selected once across all 14 slots.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

With that in mind, here’s my second take on a Mints team.

Lineup:
Boyfriend Monreal (S5)— BA 0.308 – OPS 0.877
Hewitt Best (S3) — BA 0.325 – OPS 0.860
Mooney Doctor II (S20) — BA 0.277 – OPS 0.847
Jessica Telephone (S11) — BA 0.324 – OPS 1.124
Marco Stink (S10) — BA 0.272 – OPS 1.004
Jode Preston (S16) — BA 0.318 – OPS 0.951
Eizabeth Guerra (S3) — BA 0.354 – OPS 1.030
Rodriguez Internet (S10) — BA 0.357 – OPS 1.020
Jacob Haynes (S19) — BA 0.313 – OPS 0.866

Rotation:
Leach Ingram (S16) — ERA 2.90 – WHIP 1.068
Uncle Plasma (S20) — ERA 2.40 – WHIP 0.798
Winnie Hess (S18) — ERA 1.41 – WHIP 0.529
Michelle Sportsman (S21) — ERA -0.35 (not a typo) – WHIP 1.248
PolkaDot Zavala (S14) — ERA 2.41 – WHIP 0.860

Behold! Fourteen separate players, only one of which is a thirty-star horse, all of whom have played at least one full season for the Mints.

Likely the first thing you’ve noticed is that the Mints produce a lot of good pitchers. Graduates of the Breath Mints Pitching Academy include the players above and also Polkadot Patterson on the Moist Talkers, the Released Axel Trololol, Lucas Petty on the Tacos, and Sandie Carver on the Millennials. The Dot and Axel likely need no introduction, but for those less familiar with King Petty and Scarver, Petty ended Season 24 with a respectable 3.35 ERA, and Sandie’s Literal Arm Cannon helped them finish Season 24 with an ERA of only 1.69! We have a knack for creating superb pitchers and passing them off to other teams.

Thankfully, even without these players, our Rotation is terrifying. Leach Ingram was a master of the tactical walk, filling up bases to set up for the double play that was definitely necessary and not merely a way of toying with their fans. They’re the weakest part of the Rotation, and in fact both Axel Trololol and Oscar Vaughan (a dentist who chose to eat a peanut before retiring) have superior career-best ERAs/WHIPs, but quite frankly a Mints all-stars team would not be complete without Leach. As for the rest:

• Uncle Plasma was a terrifying force of pitching that plot had to intervene and steal them from us, presumably out of fear for what we could do with them.
• 9.4-star pitcher Winnie Hess was the biggest horse ever to exist and surpassed even the Cactus (Castillo Turner) in pitching prowess.
• Michelle Sportsman comes with their own run support in the form of Underhanded– their negative ERA is a data crime of beauty.
• PolkaDot Zavala was a lesser-known Mints original, well-suited for the pitching meta of Season 14 before a stray peanut forced an early retirement to the Shadows.

When it comes to our Lineup, the first three Lineup players were fantastic at crime. Boyfriend Monreal stole not only hearts but also bases. They were renowned for walking to first base and stealing the rest, for a career-best of 48 bases in Season 7 before an untimely incineration. Base stealing was a skill known also to Hewitt Best, who had no issues seizing the means of run-scoring. Their record was 79 bases in Season 17, putting them at number 2 in the league for that season. And famously, Earth laws don’t apply in space, which was convenient for Mooney Doctor II and the 68 bases they stole in Season 20. Their Magnified Modification also helps with the clean-up, doubling the value of any runs scored, provided they’re not stolen before they can bat them in.

The famed Jessica Telephone leads the next section of our Lineup, ringing in any stranded players (and since this is the Mints, there’ll be a lot). After them comes Marco Stink! They hit dingers! What! Marco was also a famous base stealer, with a career-best of 70 in a season– clearly, it is not illegal for bugs. Finally, Jode Preston will hopefully go sicko Jode and hit a dinger, as they did for 25.7% of ther hits in Season 18. Their BA/RISP reached a high of 0.408 in season 16– an adept at cleaning up when bases are Joded. And their Reload Modification makes any grand slam reload the bases, ready for the closers to clean up with!

Eizabeth Guerra, the triples queen, leads the way into the final part of our Lineup. Izzie, pre-peanut, had a frankly ridiculous stat line that caused them to hit more triples than doubles– in Season 3, out of 127 hits, 30 were triples and only 7 were doubles. Rodriguez Internet is next, who churns out the singles needed to get Izzie their fourth base. Their funny little Modification boxes help considerably with their job, most notably Cluttered, which has only improved their performance as we fought to make our Ballpark as filthy as possible. Finally, totally normal guy Jacob Haynes is here to round us out– when you look at Haynes’s stats it’s very easy to see why the Flowers took them back as soon as possible, with a Season 24 BA of 0.384 and OPS of 1.151.

I hope this article has served to inform fans new and old of some of the success stories to come out of the Mints! There are some truly wonderful stories out there that didn’t make it here, such as Winnie’s base-stealing career, 0-star leadoff batter Marquez Clark stealing home twice in the same inning, and the epic highs and lows of Pudge Nakamoto. I hope that whatever shape the next era takes, there continues to be space for stories and personalities within the game itself.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here.

The post Minty Fresh: Kansas City Breath Mints Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.