I am sure if you asked any Sunbeams fan how they’re feeling about the second season of Blaseball’s new Coronation Era, they’d tell you they’re a bit nervous about all the attention they’re getting.

But the attention is for good reason, as one of the league’s top teams spent the election getting stronger and seems poised to have a great season. After finishing Season N1 with a record of 66-24, the Beams swept the Miami Dale only to stumble and have their kicks taken by the Charleston Shoe Thieves in the second round of the Post Season. But that’s the same Charleston team that finished below the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams in the Awful Good division during the Regular Season.

So, what should we expect from the Estimated Sunbeams and the rest of Blaseball in this upcoming season in the Coronation Era? Here’s a preview of every division, including our panel of power rankers’ predictions for how each division will finish.

Awful Good

Predicted order of finish:

1. Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams (No. 1 overall)
2. Charleston Shoe Thieves (No. 2 overall)
3. Baltimore Crabs (No. 12 overall)
4. Miami Dale (No. 13 overall)
5. Philly Pies (No. 15 overall)
6. Hades Tigers (No. 20 overall)

While this writer (Firewall Andrews) thinks the Shoe Thieves are the best team in the league, most of our rankings panel picked the Sunbeams, so they get the top spot in the division prediction. However, the panel did put these teams at the top of the overall rankings together, so expect a close fight and a serious title run from whichever team wins the division.

Beyond the two powerhouses, there are three middling teams in the Crabs, Dale and Pies. Miami made the playoffs and saw its roster shuffled a bit with randomized players, but it remains to be seen if they improved enough to take a big step forward in Season 2. The Crabs added the best batter in the Black Hole, but that alone won’t be enough to shore up their roster, and they should struggle to keep up with the Sunbeams and Thieves. The Pies have a solid but unspectacular team destined for a middle-of-the-road finish.

And the Tigers have Zephyr McCloud, who is very good, but will also be very interesting to watch given their curse. So this is a division with lots of great storylines entering the new season.

Chaotic Good

Predicted order of finish:

1. The Kansas City Breath Mints (No. 5 overall)
2. Boston Flowers (No. 11 overall)
3. San Francisco Lovers (No. 16 overall)
4. Canada Moist Talkers (No. 19 overall)
5. New York Millennials (No. 21 overall)
6. LA Unlimited Tacos (No. 23 overall)

The Mints were one of four teams to go over 60 wins in Season 1 and return a solid roster that went unchanged in the offseason. They bump down to No. 5 overall following a fourth-place overall finish as the Yellowstone Magic are projected to jump them in overall standing based on our panel’s picks. I’m not so sure, and I think the Mints should coast to another 60-win season and playoff berth (birth? is that still a thing?).

The Flowers grew as a group over the offseason via the election and are a team with a lot of promise. This could be one of the top pitching and defense teams in the splort, and I think No. 11 overall is a bit low for Boston. They might give the Mints some trouble but likely finish as a runner-up with a solid shot at the playoffs alongside the Thieves, Beams and Mints.

The rest of this division is going to struggle, especially with all the games they’re going to have to play against Kansas City and Boston. None of the teams really got any better in the offseason, and the Moist Talkers losing Simon Haley probably makes them a good bit worse. The Season 2 elections will be very important for these four squads.

Awful Evil

Predicted order of finish:

1. Atlantis Georgias (No. 6 overall)
2. Core Mechanics (No. 9 overall)
3. Broken Ridge Jazz Hands (No. 10 overall)
4. Houston Spies (No. 14 overall)
5. Dallas Steaks (No. 18 overall)
6. Chicago Firefighters (No. 24 overall)

This is definitely a division to watch, as any of four teams could realistically pick up the division title in Season 2. The favorites are definitely Atlantis, with a solid pitching staff and long-time blaseballer Beck Whitney leading a good offense.

But the Core Mechanics have an optimized lineup and promising pitching of their own, the Jazz Hands got a big pitching boost in the offseason to support that was top 10 in OPS a season ago, and the Spies are long shots, but Terrell Bradley’s alternate is still quite the player and the offense in Houston can hit.

Hello, Steaks!

And the poor Firefighters not only missed out on team-improving blessings, but got tossed a terrible batter by a Houston wimdy of a blessing. Sorry, Chicago.

Chaotic Evil

Predicted order of finish:

1. Mexico City Wild Wings (No. 3 overall)
2. Yellowstone Magic (No. 4 overall)
3. Seattle Garages (No. 7 overall)
4. Hawai’i Fridays (No. 8 overall)
5. Ohio Worms (No. 18 overall)
6. Tokyo Lift (No. 22 overall)

If the Awful Evil is “a division to watch,” this is “THE division to watch.” Loaded with four of our top 10 teams in the power rankings, the Chaotic Evil will see the Wild Wings, downgraded by some awful misfortune and a noteworthy incineration, chased by the upgraded Magic and Garages and the slightly shored up Fridays.

These are four genuinely good teams and it’s hard to pick a favorite, because most of what we knew about the dominant Wild Wings team of a season ago is not going to be there to start this season. James Boy does return, but without Fletcher Peck and Anastasia Isarobot on the main roster, it’s left the door wide open for Kiki Avci and the Magic to make a real run at a division title.

Don’t count out the Garages or Fridays, who both finished ahead of the Magic last season, and while their blessings might not have seemed as flashy and fun as the one Yellowstone got, I wouldn’t say either team should be discounted as a true contender for this division.

The post Blaseball Season CE2 Preview: Estimating the Sunbeams appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Most Valuable Boston Flower: Could it be Jenkins Ingram? Jenkins is not the most talented batter, despite being at the head of the Boston Flowers lineup. Jenkins is not the best defender, despite attempting to field 485 of the 2,508 balls fielded by the team. However, that earnestness to be the one to call out, “I’ve got it, I’ve got it!” sets them apart from the rest of the line-up.

Let’s start with the facts, brought by the teams at SIBR and Blaseball.

Jenkins Ingram joined the Boston Flowers as a S1 Shadow. In seasons 22 and 23, Jenkins batted and pitched. Their BA and ERA weren’t great. Then, after the Fall, in Season N1, Jenkins Ingram was found to be the first batter in the Boston Flowers lineup. 

Let’s start with the first Season of Boston Flowers Fielding.
Jenkins is obviously fielding a lot of plays. As the player standing at third base, Ingram is in prime territory for grabbing hit balls on the left side of infield as well as nearby.

In the league as a whole: 15,122 hits went to the left, 11,350 hits went to center, and 10,024 hits went right.  Jenkins fielded 170 plays in the Infield, 97 Left Field, 44 Right Field, 48 Center.

Their Reach of 0.893 and Magnet of 0.102 combine together to give the Flowers a dominant defender that they’re fervently wishing would stay in the Infield. (Jenkins was about 75% successful at getting outs in the Infield, versus 59% successful at getting outs in the Outfield.)

Competing against Ramirez Winters of the Baltimore Crabs for best defender at third base, Jenkins’ 485 defensive plays are comparable to Ramirez’s 451. Ramirez boasted a 0.928 Magnet attribute, which perhaps provides them with their 81% out success rate overall. Ramirez’s 0.753 Reach left them wanting in some areas however: In Deep Left Field Ramirez would only show up 5 times and allow 3 hits, whereas Jenkins made it 9 times and allowed 1 hit. (Ramirez is 83% successful at getting outs in the Infield, versus 77% successful in the outfield.) It should be noted that the Crab’s Outfield has 5 defenders, vs the Boston Flowers 4, both of which could impact how often they each choose to go for a ball there, especially considering the utter lack of a Deep Center Field defender for the Flowers. 

On to Batting!
Jenkins’ experience batting in 388 at bats (AB) brought only a 0.211 batting average (BA) lags behind Zack Sanders’ 0.298 BA. (That’s right, Flowers fans, the leader in triples Zack Sanders didn’t clear a 0.300 BA; let’s hope that the bats bloom in Season N2 after that Team Boost!) Jenkins improving as a batter could prove very useful: they are one of six full switch hitters in the ILB, and the only non-right-handed batter in the Flowers Line-Up. If the placement of hits matters, this means Jenkins is equally likely to hit to the left or right fields (and almost as likely to hit to center). Sadly, it looks like all of Chaotic Good has right fielders aplenty, so this advantage may not often come up. It could matter in a match-up against the Yellowstone Magic however, as they have fewer players there and are likely to be one of the top defending teams in Blaseball this upcoming season. 

As the fourth best batter for making successful hits, Jenkins trails behind Zack Sanders, Zelda Highway, and Duha Kamara. Similarly, Jenkins at 18 walks for the season is behind Jessica Telephone at 23, Duha Kamara at 21, and Skylar Khan at 20, while tied with Daniel Mendoza.

Ingram is leading the team in a few areas however! With 45 singles, Jenkins is only closely matched by Duha at 42 Singles, as the rest of the team are all sub 30 in the stat. Now, the rest of the Boston Flowers have as many (Skylar Khan) or more (the other 6 Flowers) doubles so that might not mean much. But that doesn’t stop Jenkins in being tied for most RBI on the team at 38 with Zelda Highway. The tie for most home runs certainly doesn’t hurt either! (Tied at 8 with Duha.) 

Anyways, thanks for reading this far. It turns out that, according on Astrology, Zelda Highway is the best player by overall stars in Blaseball. All the above about Jenkins Ingram is true, but it looks like Zelda Highway is either good at, great at, or decent at everything but Stuff. A former Tokyo Lift Shadow player, Zelda fell onto the Flowers and brought with a level of star power we haven’t seen on the Flowers since Nagomi Mcdaniel or the original Jaylen Hotdogfingers. But this time, Zelda is doing the thing she should be doing: Batting! 

In 314 AB, Zelda got 91 hits, struck out 59 times and had 8 walks. 49 doubles (22^nd overall in Doubles),  13 Triples (tied for 9^th overall). At 0.28981 BA, Zelda trails behind Zack Sanders in most categories, but also 72 fewer at bats than Zack. They had the same amount of home runs, and Zelda hit one more single. Zelda is tied for most RBI, and is also in the traditional Jacob Haynes position on the line-up: last batter. And this is despite Zelda following Skylar, Kelvin, and Dervin!

Zelda fielded the second most hit balls at 347 (where-as Zack only fielded 188) and only allowed 67 hits. At 280 outs, she sits at 80.69% of her fielding plays resulting in outs, and that is while being the Boston Flowers Back Flanker. As one of eight Back Flankers in the league, how does she rate? 

• 1. Zelda Highway of the Boston Flowers at 80.69% Plays with Outs (PwO)
• 2. Deion Gamage of the Seattle Garages at 79.17% PwO
• 3. Chambers Kennedy of the Core Mechanics at 78.96% PwO
• 4. Wanda Schenn of the San Francisco Lovers at 78.90% PwO
• 5. Mindy Kugel of the Kansas City Breath Mints at 77.93% PwO
• 6. Sigmund Castillo of the Broken Ridge Jazz Hands at 75% PwO
• 7. Donia Bailey of the LA Unlimited Tacos 70.27% PwO
• 8. Soojin Gloom of the LA Unlimited Tacos at 66.95% (PwO)

She’s the best Back Flanker in the ILB, before the Team Boost. After the Team Boost, she is now the first among the Stars. (Tiera Wigdoubt, the best batter pulled from the Horizon? 96^th on overall stars.) I hesitate to have one of our own estimated, but here’s the truth: Zelda Highway is the Boston Flower to watch bloom this upcoming season!

–Barswanian

The post Boston Flowers to Watch: Jenkins Ingram and Zelda Highway appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Blaseball has returned, and so have the talented athletes who take to the Field every day and play the games. But not every player is equal. Some are better than others. Some are the best. We’re here to talk about the best.

Many thanks to Dargo4#2798 on Discord for organizing the first Most Valuable Player voting of the new era, which let a panel of Blaseball statisticians and observers vote on the best batters and pitchers of Season 1, plus the postseason MVP and some honorable mentions.

So without any more delay, here are the best players from Season 1 of the Coronation Era of Blaseball.

Best Batter Award

Dargo’s panel named five players per ballot, and across 24 ballots, every single ballot contained one name: Fletcher Peck.

The Mexico City Wild Wings’ batter finished with 24 home runs, tied for seventh in ILB, and a 1.234 OPS that was second among full-time players behind only Kiki Avci.

Peck also played sound defense, recording an out on over 78% of the balls hit in their direction, which ranks comfortably in the top half of ILB defenders.

Doing all of this as the league’s RBI leader and second-best run scorer was more than enough to cement their status as the near-consensus MVP of the first season of the era.

Anastasia Isarobot Memorial Best Pitcher Award

The winner of the first Best Pitcher Award of the era is also the new namesake for the award, as they will be honored posthumously after being the target of an incineration by the Umpires following the opening of the Forbidden Book in the Season 1 elections.

Anastasia Isarobot was the only pitcher to top 200 strikeouts in Season 1, finishing with a 2.24 ERA and a 17-1 record on the mound. They also issued only four walks, the second-lowest total in the league behind Randy Dennis of the Flowers.

Isarobot was a star in the league and their talents will be missed, but their legacy lives on through this award.

BNN Postseason MVP Award

While the Wild Wings sweep the Regular Season awards, it was the Shoe Thieves who snuck into the Internet Series and ran away with the victory.

With that in mind, it was their unlikely hero, Ankle Halifax, who gets the nod as Postseason MVP. With several clutch hits in the Post Season, including multiple home runs in the Internet Series and the Series-deciding hit to win it all for Charleston, they stood out ahead of teammate Penelope Berkowitz, who provided world-class defense for the Thieves throughout the playoffs.

Honorable Mentions

Your guess is as good as ours, but here are some players the panel wished to shout out!

Full results

Best Pitcher Award:

1. Anastasia Isarobot
2. Marco Escobar
3. Plums Blather
4. Mehdi Caper
5. Dunn Keyes
6. Mooney Doctor
7. Premjeet Liu
8. Erin Jesaulenko
9. Waverly Mori
10. Malik Romayne

Best Batter Award:

1. Fletcher Peck
2. Kiki Avci
3. Stretch Sutton
4. Katja Twain
5. Baldwin Jones
6. Jorge Owens
7. Mckinney Vaughan
8. Sheri Friday
9. Jammy Decksetter
10. Jira Sealegs
11. Demet Cabrera

Postseason MVP:

1. Ankle Halifax
2. Penelope Berkowitz
3. Fletcher Peck
4. Kaj Statter Jr.
5. Yusef Puddles
6. Fish Summer
7. Anastasia Isarobot
8. Alexandria Rosales

Honorable Mentions:

• Demet Cabrera
• James Boy
• Malin Hsu
• Penelope Berkowitz
• Premjeet Liu
• Yusef Puddles
• Allan Kranch
• Anastasia Isarobot
• Baldwin Jones
• Beck Whitney
• Blimp Hardison
• Elijah Valenzuela
• Elip Dean
• Emmet Atomic
• Fletcher Peck
• Grizz El-Sayid
• Hatfield Suzuki
• Jammy Decksetter
• Jefferson de la Cruz
• Jorge Owens
• Lorcan Smaht
• Mordecai Kingbird
• Nathaniel Wilds
• Nori Bluegrass
• Ovid Schofield
• Randy Dennis
• Roscoe Sundae
• Scratch Deleuze
• Son Jensen
• Stevenson Heat
• Terrel Bradley
• Vanille Okidoke
• Waverly Mori
• whichever ffs pitcher had the sub 2 ERA
• Zack Sanders

The post Who were the MVPs of Season 1 of the Coronation Era of Blaseball? appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Compiled by Cat Stlats

Season N1 gave us so much to consider, and not just stars and stats, but rules, regulations, and finally seeing how the game is going to be approached in this new era. With the season and finals in the books, it’s time for our seasonal Power Rankings, and what Power Rankings these are!

With the additional time available between seasons, our writers stepped up in every way, with networking out to more new contributors, a quality of analysis, and the largest number of power rankings ever submitted (TWENTY SEVEN)! Thank you everyone for that, you are all BNN. With that, a quick reminder that teams will be ranked by tiers, from Awful to Good, with a Hubris Index to show how much the writers agree (the lower the Hubris Index, the more the Writers agreed). All Estimations are the opinions of BNN and not stated as fact. That is, other than the Sunbeams, because this is the season of the Beams, and even Panama Dan knows it. This is your Season N2 Power Rankings, happy Blaseballing!

Awful

Chicago Firefighters

Hubris Index: 1.28

Listen, I’ve been with this team since Season 2 of Beta, so I’m going to level with you. The Firefighters don’t look good. They look maybe the worst they ever have. We came into Season N1 with amazing losing record, and quickly realized that we had two options: Improve, or Plateau.

In true Chicago fashion, we have had a third, worse answer thrust upon us: Get Worse. The [REDACTED] Houston Spies have delivered unto us Shaquille Torres, who, despite improving our batting by .2 stars overall, is still awful. This also extends the lineup so our semi-competent batters (citation needed) hit the ball even less.

Not to be dramatic, but Chicago is doomed. Our offense is bad, our defense is middling, our pitching is bad. We will pray again for blessings, but without Wills we simply have limited tools to enact change upon our team. For those of you with a sense of love and care in your hearts, I urge you to stop your reading here.

For those of you who are sickos like me, we can only pray that Season N2 brings with it a volley of Eclipse weather so we can roll these clowns again and pray for Wild Wings like results.

That’s Chicago Sports, baby!

–Riley H (@ChiBlaseball)

Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos

Hubris Index: 1.92

Last place in our subleague, thankfully Relegation doesn’t pass. We whiff on blessings to potentially improve two of the worst hitters in the league, Wanda Pothos and Moses Simmons. Wait no…Nigel Candy and Pernelongo al Wazir. There we go.

The best Taco pitcher (Sexton Wheeler, sorry I meant Tot Best) is slightly above average and would be last on some rotations in the league. Most of all we have Comfort Glover Yulia Skitter who would be much better suited at bat than on the mound and Patel Beyonce Jenkins Good who would be much better suited on the mound than at bat.

Overall, there is nothing NEW about the Tacos NEW Season 1 and the expectation is that our NEW Season 2 would be more of the same checks history book so, a slightly improved record but still one of the worst teams in the league according to this. Yeah, that seems correct.

–DeeJay

My esteemed colleague DeeJay’s assessment is mostly accurate, with one minor quibble: there’s no way the Tacos’ record is gonna improve.

–Benjy

Tokyo Lift

Hubris Index: 1.85

Lift bad.

After beating the firefighters to partytime and then playing like Hall to not be in the path of Relegation just in case, the Lift managed to win a blessing! Unfortunately, it’ll take more than one blessing to fix whatever’s happening in Tokyo, but fortunately we made our worst batter Red Hot, whatever that does. Suffice to say, we will be closer to party than parade for a long while.

-Spotter Pandora

New season, new universe, same party time host. I am inclined to say the Lift were robbed. I’d like to see what would happen if YOUR team played peak Mexico City 21 times!

Lift have a decent batting core with a few holes that fail to capitalize on opportunities. Pitching is fine. Gumdrop can’t seem to hold onto a ball to save their life. They aren’t the greatest team in the league, but Tokyo certainly isn’t the worst.

What the heck is a zone?

-Malst

New York Millennials

Hubris Index: 1.48

Nothing happened to the Millennials. Maybe that’s a good thing? Zephyr McCloud now “Cannot Lose”. Simon Haley went on a “Quest”. Terrell Bradley was Alternated. Former Firefighters Shadow and Wild Wings MVP Anastasia Isarobot was Incinerated.

From our first Season of the new Era, Ren Hunter was our top defender. Hernando Winter was our best hitter. Bennett Bluesky was our best pitcher. Best is relative, of course. This is a Team with a lot of work to do. Nothing happens to the Millennials.

The only element of note appears to be the potential recruitment of former Jazz Hand and brief Tiger (through a Feedback dance with Famous Owens at the Pocket’s LCD Soundsystem) Spears Rogers, who was seen falling to the Millennials/Lovers on Game 24.

Maybe Spears Rogers will be found.

Maybe Enhanced Party Time will arrive.

Maybe the Millennials will win a Blessing.

Maybe something will happen to the Millennials in Season N2.

–Clip Clipperson

Hades Tigers

Hubris Index: 2.89

Well, the team from WAY down under did not start off the NEW* era very well, finishing last in the second-worst division in Blaseball and posting an uncharacteristically poor record.

On the bright side, Mehdi Caper posted the best ERA in the league, Stevenson Heat is easily one of the best fielders in the league, and Zephyr McCloud had a solid power hitting season. In addition, the Tigers were lucky enough to have the best defense in terms of stats in the entire league!

On the not-so-bright side, the Tigers have three bad pitchers, some of the most atrocious hitting in the league, and are in a division with the Shoe Thieves, the defending champions who now have the best pitcher in the league, the Beams, who have far and away the best hitting in the league, the Crabs, who have the best batter in the league, and the Dale, a season N1 playoff team that improved some of their weaker players. And also the Pies, I guess.

In the election, the Tigers won the ‘Yeet’ blessing, sending their worst player, Eddie Tumblehome, into the black hole, or, uh, Philly I guess. The black hole supposedly burped out Frazier Tosser in return, but several sources have confirmed that he is buried under an inordinate amount of sand, and will need some time getting unburied. Plus, the opening of the book led to Zephyr McCloud gaining the modification ‘Can’t Lose,’ which means that he cannot lose. Surely this can only be a good thing! After all, nothing bad has ever happened to the Hades Tigers.

Expect more of the same in season N2 for the Tigers. At best they’ll do alright, at worst, uh oh. Fortunately, with some smart election planning and a little luck, the Tigers can start building their team around their stronger pieces like Caper, Jackson, and McCloud. It won’t happen right away, but success may not be far off for this NEW* Tigers team.

-benoak1999

One blind jump into the River Styx later and Hades comes out all the worse for wear in the conclusion of NEW Season One. I was really anxious about their future prospects. Boasting one of the highest defensive rosters in the league and an invaluable fielder in the form of Stevenson Heat, it looked like the Tigers were set to defend the gates of Taenarum with the fury of a wild animal. Yet within the same breath, the Tigers also showed off just how inoffensive their lineup really was. If it wasn’t for Zephyr McCloud, I don’t think the Tigers would have broken triple digit runs this season. In a particularly Ancient Grecian twist of fate, the very player that ended other teams’ offenses was also the ender of their own offensive pushes. And while the Trojan Wall of the Tiger’s defense was strong, it showed off some gaping, gift-horse sized holes in the form of Pitcher Elip Dean.

But we can’t focus on the negatives for long. Tigers don’t look back, and the future is – as always – hopeful. With Eddie Tumblehome yeeted into the darkest pit beyond time and space (Philadelphia), Frazier Tosser steps up sporting a can-do attitude and a dream. Their division got tougher, but strong bats can’t crack a solid foundation for the future. Only poor, uncharitable fate can unwind this stripe-laden team. Amaya Jackson and Mehdi Caper are two incredible pitchers, and Grit’s only 4 of 12 Labors away from becoming the hero that will drag the Tigers to victory. And there’s hope still, in Adrian Melon, Gloria Bugsnax, Clyde Fetch and Velasquez Alstott – all sporting OBPs over .200 (trust me, this is a big deal for the Tigers right now). Getting out of the trenches might feel like a Sisyphean task, but the Tigers have risen before. They’ll do it again.

Good offense gets you through the regular season. But good defense is what carries you through postseason. You’re 50% there, Tigers.

Hell, we haven’t even talked about the best part! Didn’t you see? Their best batter, Zephyr McCloud, can’t lose! So don’t worry. I’m sure Zephyr will lead their team to a perfect 90-0 season.

I’m sure of it.

–Nate

Canada Moist Talkers

Hubris Index: 2.16

Faced with a grueling slog of losses in the early season, Talker fans told each other “well, our defense is really good”. When faced with a grueling slog of losses in the mid-season, Talker fans told each other “like, the defense is solid though”. When faced with an improved performance in the late season, Talker fans – downcast, but no less moist – were found huddled in damp groups talking about “wind sprints” and “running” and “I mean the defense is good and we got Khulan Sagaba, there’s Eris Street, Haley, just, maybe next season if we can…”

But side by side with the pessimism and the desperate coping mechanisms, no Talker fan failed to appreciate Tad Seeth, no Talker fan failed to cheer whenever Tad the Lad, the great gross hope, stepped up to the plate. And no player failed to pitch and bat their way into the moist hearts of Talker fans. Great games were won against tournament favorites the Mexico City Wild Wings and whimpering games were lost against the New York Millennials. In the end, it was a mixed season but the stands were covered in spit – the sacred fluid flowed generously and with enthusiasm was given.

The future is bright for the Talkers, we say happy travels to Simon Haley as she embarks for the shadows on her Simon Quest, and with wide, wet eyes we stare at Abner Pothos in hope that their pitch be true in the coming season.

-misella

Mild

Ohio Worms

Hubris Index: 2.94

There are lots of inevitables in Blaseball. The fans will Open the Forbidden Book. The Mills will get knocked out in the 1st round of playoffs. The Mints “just need to fix their offense”. The Jazz Hands will have seasons of silence followed by intense tragedy.

And the Worms will always have a pitcher that personifies my hatred.

Oh, it didn’t start off that specific. The debut Worms S13 pitching staff was historic as a full unit: 70% more walks than any other team in history.

Then it was the “garbage dumping” seasons: S14 gave us the 1-13, 9.32 ERA NaN, who also brought the most discourse and conflict ever to be seen in Worms chat. S15 was 4-16 Luis Acevedo, with a bloated 9.9 walks in 9 innings. But all this was just a precursor, as my first true Beloathed was there the entire time, just below the surface. Like the worst of warts, the barest of threadbares … there was Patchwork Southwick.

Patchwork Southwick is somehow the Worms all-time Wins leader. That’s also good for the highest Franchise Win Leader Percentage for any leader of any franchise. And yet, Mr. Patchy’s Wild Ride is a manifestation of contradictions: A four time 20 game winner who lost EVERY important LateSeason and PostSeason game they started. An Underhanded pitcher who gave up a mountain of runs to walks & hits. Patchwork always managed to be “the second worst problem on a team with a few problems”. Anyone who has read my rantings on Twitter, Discord or here on BNN knows my antagonistic relationship with Patchy. Then, Blaseball was Nullified.

Yet the inevitable didn’t stop. Throughout the Short Circuits, the Worms always manage to have that one pitcher I focused my anger upon. 8.90 ERA Esmerelda McCollard getting the ball over 1.71 ERA Ashby Swandre in Gamma 3. Operation: Skip Yahya getting all the way to the finals, only to have the final game of the final series go to Yahya Jupiter (247 BB, 6.69 ERA) in Gamma 4.

Now, we enter the Coronation Era. When NaN fell on the 1st week of Fall Ball, I was concerned. NaN’s slot went to the Rotation, but he Received a replacement! A fresh name, a new face, a blank slate! Plus we had Winnie Hess! I declared in last week’s Power Rankings that, finally, after all this time … pitching was not the Worms’ problem. I declared the inevitable to be dead. Which, of course, was HUBRIS.

I give you the NEW* NaN, the Patchier Patchwork, The Ohno of Yahyas: Nathaniel Wilds.

3-15, 5.70 ERA (5th worst in ILB), 6.76 BB/9 (2nd worst in ILB).

How I hate them so, SO MUCH. These Worms will be TERRIBLE.

–Ifhbiff

Dallas Steaks

Hubris Index: 1.89

HAHAHAHA HUBRIS! I WAS RIGHT!!!! STEAKS ARE BAD. But not as bad as I thought.

Vanille Okidoke turns out to be the powerful pinch hitter of the beta Steaks dream, hitting a blistering 28 homers, putting them in second in the league. Abner Wood and Agan Espinoza round out the hard hitters with serious Ferocity of their own. The rest of the lineup, where it fails in batting prowess, seriously makes up in the defense. With the third best defense in the league and three whole 4 star defensive players, and a rotation not to shake a stick at, hey wait what’s Archie doing there?

Sandie Carver, Case Lancaster, and the other Agan (Harrison) are all star pitchers in their own right. Sandie is a strikeout machine with a truly tremendous strikeout to walk ratio of 28.5, 5th in the league! Case is our ERA leader, only allowing an average of 1.9 runs per game!! And Agan… Agan was our winningest pitcher (.500), as well as our WHIPiest pitcher with a walk and hit per inning average of 0.827, 25th in the league! Dovydas Peeps, our fourth pitcher, still holds their own, with a WHIP of 1.000. So who is tanking the rotation?

Archie Lampman. 15th worst ERA (4.8), only won 5 games, 1.4 homeruns per game, and the funniest stat for my favorite little guy, 1.2 strikeouts for every walk. Archie isn’t just a bad pitcher, they’re a Funny pitcher.

Okay so, it would definitely be easy to overestimate our team, especially since our schedule last week was so tough. However, with our former teammate Zephyr McCloud taking the heel position this era, I will take the hint and say Steaks Bad.

-Ophelia (@DallasSteaks)

San Francisco Lovers

Hubris Index: 2.32

Let’s start with the good: Erin Jesaulenko is easily one of the best pitchers in the ILB. Alvie Kesh, likewise, was among the best hitters in NEW Season 1—and not too shabby on the field either. Speaking of defense, Olive Patel put in the work for the Lovers this past season, fielding more than any other Lovers’ defender while breaking the top twenty league-wide in Outs Above Average.

Yet, despite these strengths, Lovers still have much work to do. With the exceptions of Kesh, Kingbird, and Baek, their lineup is struggling to keep pace with league averages, let alone truly shining. Kesh, tied for ninth in the league in dingers in N1, is in the key position to drive runners home and help the Lovers score big, but Schenn and Jang (and Kingbird) need to get on base to make it happen.

The Lovers’ bigger problem though is Durham Spaceman and Donia Dollie. Simply put, neither one knows how to pitch, and together they account for a depressing forty percent of Lovers’ games. Blimp Hardison and Joshua Watson aren’t exactly stellar pitchers either (though Spaceman and Dollie make both look good in comparison), leaving it to Jesaulenko and the fielders to somehow make up for deep holes in the rotation.

This season probably won’t be the Lovers’ finest, but it certainly won’t be the worst in the franchise’s history either. With a bit of luck and some key improvements, perhaps this season could be the start of an eventual journey to the top for the Lovers.

-boat

Philly Pies

Hubris Index: 2.21

After the first Season of the new era of Blaseball, it’s clear the Pies have lost a few steps. The Pies started the season tied for second-worst team, statistically, but thanks to some diamonds in the rough finished a respectable 14th in the league, and were in the hunt for a playoff spot right until the end.

Unfortunately, the Pies came up empty during the Election, and facing down a league that has only improved around them, the Pies are in for an uphill climb. More than ever, they’ll be leaning on ace pitchers like Marco Escobar and Steals Chark to pick up the slack.

This next season might be a Sisyphean struggle, and the team’s likely to slip in the rankings, but true flans know to never estimate the Pies. Hungry dogs run faster, and the Pies might just surprise you.

Now, if we could just get Eddie Tumblehome to leave the locker room and go back where he belongs…

-Slamdance

Houston Spies

Hubris Index: 2.36

Last week went all according to The Plan. A perfectly average team, nothing to see here. And, as planned, we have decided to go on strike. Placards are available in locker-

…Get a strike. My apologies. The Houston Spies are on Strike One. What does this mean? If you find ████ ████████ ██████ █████, ███████ █████ ████. As The Ticker once said: “Spies on strike? It’s in their blood.”

As for the team itself, the only change is Agent Bradley’s alternation at the hands of the █████████ Umpire. A much better defense, but will that make up for the lack of batting power?

Only one thing is clear. Spies ███.

-from the desk of agent kit

Miami Dale

Hubris Index: 2.83

Nothing Ever Bad Happens to the Florida Team. This week is no different than last week, We Wimdy’ed our way into NEW randomized Players which, in all honestly didn’t feel that new at all. Our 2.8612% got Alternates called for Edric Tosser (making them slightly better) Una Manhattan (making them slightly better) and Serge Shortvat (making them slightly less better). But the Dale Certified Funny Bit is Eddie Mulberry getting Alternated twice, thus making them… Just Normal Eddie Mulberry (with Two Alternates in their Player’s Card).

So you might be thinking, Hey “Scary”Gary, What does all that mean for the Dale? Well, dear reader, I am Glad you asked. It means DALE ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP, DALE WILL ETCH THEIR WINS AND LOSSES INTO THE GOLDEN RECORDS OF BLASEBALL (See Rule 3 Section S (Stands for Surge Shortvat, of the Dale) of the New Book). THE VIBES WILL BE IMMACULATE, THE PARTIES FANTASTIC, NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO THE FLORIDA TEAM.

–“Scary”Gary

Wild

Baltimore Crabs

Hubris Index: 1.65

The Crab knows where it ranks at all times. It knows this because it knows what rank it isn’t. By running from where it is to where it isn’t, or fielding where it isn’t from where it is (whichever is more important), it obtains a difference, or deviation. The Black-Hole-to-Crab psionic connection uses deviations to generate corrective team changes to move the Crab from a ranking where it is, to a ranking where it isn’t, and upon arriving at a rank it wasn’t, it now is. Consequently, the ranking that it was, is now the ranking that it isn’t.

In the event that the ranking that it is in is not the ranking that it wasn’t, the psionic connection has acquired a variation, the variation being the difference between what rank the Crab is, and what rank the Crab isn’t. If a variation is considered to be a significant factor, it too may be corrected by the Black Hole. However, the Crab must also know what rank it was.

The Black-Hole-to-Crab psionic connection scenario works as follows. Because Tiera Wigdoubt has modified some of the runs the Crab may obtain, it is not sure just what ranking it is. However, it is sure what ranking it isn’t, within reason, and it knows what ranking it was. It now subtracts what its ranking should be from what ranking it wasn’t, or vice-versa, and by differentiating this from the algebraic sum of what ranking it shouldn’t be, it is able to obtain the deviation and its variation, which is called hubris.

Thus, since the Crabs placed 13th in Season 1 (Crabs Bad), it stands to reason that the Crabs will be placed at least 11th in Season 2 (Crabs Good).

Expect this to flip-flop for the next six seasons.

–Nate

Boston Flowers

Hubris Index: 3.44

The Boston Flowers started off Season 1 looking Good. The team had one of the highest average Running and Vibes Stars in the League, and our pitching punched above its weight with two players, Spears Taylor and Amir Murphy showing up on the Strikeout Leaderboards on Day 23 in 1st and tied for 4th places respectively. The only thing that seemed to be missing was a solid batting core.

As the season went on it became clearer that the team was missing more than just a batting core – the team had more holes than an old wheelbarrow.

The lineup featured the second-worst JT in the league, amongst other notably bad hitters such as Kelvin Drumsolo. Our fielding was awkward with Jenkins Ingram eagerly fielding everything they could, even though they shouldn’t. Meanwhile Jessica Telephone stood around instead of using her high Magnet to score Outs. As the Days went on our pitchers started to fall off the leaderboards, as they couldn’t make up for the weaknesses in our batting or fielding, and we ultimately failed to make the Postseason.

Things weren’t all bad however, Zack Sanders ended up hitting the second-most doubles in the league AND hit the most triples.

The Boston Flowers were in desperate need of some tender love and care, and by god did they get it during the Election. We won the NEW Team Boost Blessing, boosting our entire teams Stars by 0.5, causing us to leapfrog many teams in average star counts.

The new and improved Boston Flowers now have the second-highest Running and the second-highest Pitching in the League, which is backed up by the highest Vibes across both the Lineup and the Rotation!

You best keep an eye on the Boston Flowers this Season as they’re sure to shoot into the top of the standings. Assuming we don’t get as Incinerated as hard as in the Discpline Era, of course.

–Kidror

Broken Ridge Jazz Hands

Hubris Index: 2.29

In every universe, every short circuit, every fresh roll, the Jazz Hands have had terrible to bad pitching. Standouts like Wyatt Pothos & August Sky are but two aces in a sea of walks and earned runs.

That has finally changed for the Hands. After winning the pitching blessing they have gone from dead last pitching to middling. A feat so horrifying to the Sim that the very gods had to destroy our beloved mountain.

With a strong core offense and average arms the Jazz have achieved a dream. Should be about on par with the Friday’s fresh rolls now.

-Malst

Hellmouths Open

Ridges Broken

Jazz waits for no man or god

We are coming.

-deafhobbit

Core Mechanics

Hubris Index: 2.26

“What do you mean I have to get out there and do the Power Rankings Core blurb? How did you even find me, it’s been years?! I’m not going out there, HAVE YOU SEEN THE FOUR SUN UMPS?! Not to mention the time travel shenanigans…fine alright, I’ll do it.”

The Core Mechanics have finished the first season of the ‘Coronation Era’ of Blaseball in 2nd place in the Awful Evil Division, missing out on the playoffs by four games to the Seattle Garages. Overall, it was a solid performance throughout the season with a late comeback to put us in playoff contention in the final few games.

The Mechs have found an early star within batter Sheri Friday who established themselves as one of the sport’s top batters this season. And, with potential future stars such as fan favourite pitcher Chorby Short, waiting in the wings aiming to make a huge impact for the team in the future.

That’s where we find the Mechanics, in “maintenance mode”. The Strong Start blessing from the Election allows the team to begin addressing their batting issues and lay the groundwork for future improvements. The team’s pitching in reality has been better than what their ILB Stars Rating would indicate, and overall, the team has no glaring weaknesses that need fundamentally addressing.

But, despite this, the Mechanics will likely just barely miss out again on a playoff place, given the improvements across the Evil League.

However, if the Mechanics proved anything after descending during the Expansion Era, it was their ability to compete within the playoffs, lifting two Championship titles within only five playoff appearances. Now, competing with the potential for their 6th ILB Championship title and entry into the Tournament of Champions, they are a team not to be written off lightly during this era.

-CraftedRobot

Hawai’i Fridays

Hubris Index: 3.12

Usually, the Hawai’i Fridays survive on vibes alone. A historically chill team on a mission to speedrun Party Time rather than vie for the playoffs, the Fridays rarely survive to the postseason. But armed with back to back batting duo Justice Spoon and Elijah Valenzuela, the Fridays beat out the Yellowstone Magic and overtook the Seattle Garages to be the #3 seed in the Awful Conference. Sure, they got swept 0-3 by the Georgias in the quarterfinals, but their record in the second half of the season was a strong performance we haven’t seen from the Fridays since the Discipline era. Far exceeding their 0.500 goal, days 60 through 90 saw the Fridays play with a 27-3 record—including a 15 win streak—raising their season record to 0.644. The Fridays even held their own against the season leader, the Wild Wings, to win a game with Anastasia Isarobot (may they rest in violence) at the mound.

Looking forward to season 2, the Fridays earned the Shore Up blessing with approximately 10% of the vote, boosting pitcher Svetlana Dickens’s Stealth (Running) by 5 stars. Though this does little to help her in the pitching rotation, you never know what position you’ll find yourself playing in blaseball! An unusually strong NEW* Season 1 Fall Ball showing spells a potential end to the Fridays’ consistent mediocrity, but fans will be relaxing on island time regardless of their teams performance in the Coronation Era seasons to come.

As a new fan, I’m happy to get acquainted with our new players and see what they have to show. Most diehard longtime Fridays fans are happy to have Elijah Valenzuela back and hope he can take on the Coronation Era with the same anti-establishment enthusiasm that has defined the rest of his blaseball career.

For now, we’re all staying tuned to see what the umpires throw at us in the offseason!

–Kaz

Seattle Garages

Hubris Index: 2.97

Guess whose Thwack in the house
Flannels flip-flappin’ about
Fine, fresh, hitting ’em, bats to 11
Our logline, ”Punks small-ballin'”
Other teams sweatin’
It’s tens on the scoreboard with no doubt
Triples like WOW!
Doubles ’bout to end this drought
Singles so plentiful, what hole in left field?
Should be criminal
Why defend when our hits are this loud?
…
Now they call…
Us…
Thwackers…

-incognito8, with no apologies to RuPaul

The Garages are once again postseason hopefuls in NEW Season 2. Last season the team was Sitting at a Troubled Medium (-P.S Eliot) of the extremely competitive Chaotic Evil division. The question on every fan’s mind: Can 1 star of Thwack make up for the Garages’ shortcomings during Season 1? The Magic are sprinting ahead and while the Wild Wings might be down, they’re certainly not out of the picture.

Does the team’s improved offense make up for the hole in the left field, or pitchers like Timmy Vine who just can’t seem to manage a good parking job? Can the Garages’ defense keep up with other offensive teams or will they be running Circles ‘Round the Moon(-Nana Grizol)? Will our friendship with the Yellowstone Magic be destroyed by bitter intra division rivalry? I know the answer to one of the questions: Never, park-park it besties.

Questions abound. All I can say for certain is, I’m excited to see some more Positive Contact(-Deltron 3030) from rising stars Chambers Simmons and Deion Gamage.

-Vivi and incognito8

Good

Atlantis Georgias

Hubris Index: 2.02

If historic precedent is any indication, one thing remained true going into this era, which is that the Georgias continue to be completely ignored by the Blaseball Gods. The Georgias managed to avoid any and all consequences from the Forbidden Book opening, but they also won exactly Zero blessings in the election, which instead ended up in the hands of teams they were already competitive with, like the Sunbeams, Shoe Thieves, and Mechanics.

For what it’s worth, I think the Georgias are still gonna be pretty good in Season 2. Nothing has changed about them since the last season, where the Georgias were among the best teams in the league. With batting talent like Mckinney Vaughan and Juan Murphy, and a rotation that would be consistently good if not for Justin Alstott, the Georgias remain one of the league’s most well-rounded teams.

Compared to other top contenders, however, the Georgias don’t have a lot that especially stands out, which ultimately I think will be their downfall. That, or their downfall will be inclement weather. The Georgias have never been one of the league’s luckiest teams. Who knows when one of their star players will be incinerated, or worse, banished to the shadows by a falling Knight Triumphant.

Expect good things from the Georgias in Season 2, just don’t expect one of those things to be a championship.

–jasmine

Kansas City Breath Mints

Hubris Index 1.87

The Coronation Era started off fantastically for the Breath Mints.

Landing in Chaotic Good – by far the weakest division – we made it into the Postseason unchallenged off the back of a top tier Rotation featuring League best pitcher Plums Blather, and an albeit mediocre offense (the more things change, the more they stay the same). Despite its mediocrity, our lineup still featured stars such as League Home Run Leader Stretch Sutton and defensive powerhouse Brooklyn “The Rock” Nottingham.

We lost to the eventual Season 1 Champions the Charleston Shoe Thieves in the Quarter Finals, making us arguably the second best team in the League by the end of the Season.

Naturally, the Breath Mints’ extreme organization came together for the election, resulting in us winning the Yeet blessing and ejecting offensive anchor Jesse Tredwell into the Black Ho-

We didn’t win Yeet? Okay, then Jesse was shadowed by Shadow Play right? We didn’t win that either? What DID we win?

Nothing? But then that would mean that Jesse Tredwell is still on the team.

Where’s Revoke? Where’s Move? I’ll even take a Foreshadow or an Alternate at this point. I miss Wills.

Regardless, the Breath Mints are still goo and will remain a top contender going into Season 2.

–Kidror

Yellowstone Magic

Hubris Index: 2.32

The first season of The Coronation Era brought some stellar vibes and energy to Yellowstone, from opening up with some Friday Night Magic alongside the Hawaii Fridays to the returning Inky Rutledge leading our lineup. Seeing ILB leading stellar slugger Kiki Avci spring to life was awe-inspiring, and well-known rat, Rat Mason, showed some serious chops thanks to his unreal levels of guile.

There were truly shining moments for many players on the roster as a whole, which unfortunately ran into some serious trouble spots in the form of the ILB Champion Mexico City, Baltimore, and Canada. The last two of which seemingly had Yellowstone’s number despite less than stellar performances against other teams. Season N2 for Yellowstone is already looking WAY uppie, and not just because the extra stars for the Lineup from elections. There is, however, something else that Yellowstone can do, right now, to secure an all more assured victory in New Season 2.

They get out the shovels.

Why, you ask? Because life’s a garden, and you gotta dig it, and what better to dig out of any garden than one of the greatest Boston Flowers players of all time, Jacob “Just a Guy” Haynes. During a game this season in the Park Park, Jacob Haynes fell from the Black Hole without striking a player, and thus was buried without entering any shadows. That’s right, 5.6 star former amazing slugger and possibly the worst base stealer ever, Jacob Haynes.

Following in the fate-ladened footsteps of King Weatherman from Season 12, Jacob would be a stellar addition to a lineup ready to pop off with the consistent home run and on base power that he brings. On top of that, it’s vital to remember that Jacob’s JUST a guy. He’s a frighteningly normal dude who can hold his own against the supernatural and magical on a daily basis. He wakes up in the morning, gets his Dunks, and gets to training, every day of the week. His excessively normal nature is part of where his power comes from, instead of eldritch or mechanical might, he embraces the extreme of being common, every day, even average. What would be a better complement to some of the most magically astute wizards, witches, and squid(s)?

To be clear, however, we have no idea where he’s ACTUALLY buried, but what the heck, why not.

So start digging up the Park Park on a gamble, we’ve got a Jacob to find, and while you’re at it, maybe blast JUST A GUY a time or two, just for good measure.

–Dan Hahn

Help me, I’m so scared, I was told Magic was 5th in the Evil Conference, so I went on a [LEGALLY ACQUIRED DRUG]-fueled bender and ended up 6 miles deep into Yellowstone National park. When I awoke with a fright, I stumbled and crawled my way through dense forest, rocky crags, and wet water, until I finally made it to the gate out of here. as I gasped and raced towards my freedom, I was stopped by an imposing figure. It was Demet Cabrera. They were 18 feet tall (the equivalent of their current star count) and spoke in a voice that shattered stone. I can’t quite recall what they said because my ears ruptured from the decibels they were belting out, but it was probably something about needing a pass. I do not have a pass, so now I am not allowed out. There was also something about a fine but I don’t have any money, so I had to go back the way I came.

How the hell did I get in, and how the hell do I get out? Did I wake up in a new dimension? Why is everyone telling me “Magic has the highest defense rating in the League”? Someone else has to handle what’s going on with the Magic, because I’ve clearly woken up on the wrong side of reality. What ever happened to All Bats Just Right Yellowstone Blaseball?

–Nate

Mexico City Wild Wings

Hubris Index: 1.02

I went to Asastasia Isarobot’s funeral today.

I mean, I’m paid to, it’s literally my job, but also I wanted to. This version of the team has only existed for such a short time, but already you could see a league powerhouse forming. There’s hitting here for days; Katja Twain is a highlight, but Letitia Diop and Baldwin Jones are no slouches. But Anastasia’s loss hurts, both in the way that the sudden loss of a friend, a teammate, a leader hurts, and also specifically in the way that there were a lot of wins Anastasia pitched, and it’s an open question how many of those Göran Ndoye can replace.

The good news for the Wings is that I was speaking to James Boy at the funeral, and they said that they have completely recovered from being struck by Carter O’Conner falling at near-terminal velocity from the black hole in Game 12 and should be returning to the line-up this season. We in the Wild Wings Press Box all wish Atma Blueberry and Fletcher Peck a speedy recovery from being hit by Jefferson De La Cruz and Yusef Puddles respectively.

It’s hard to predict what this roster turmoil will ultimately mean for this team; by first appearances they will be a worse team than last season, but depending on how severe that dropoff is, a worse team than last season could still be one of the top teams in the league. But as I am often reminded, the league is unpredictable and disaster could strike any team at any time.

After all, I went to Asatasia Isarobot’s funeral today. Rest in Violence.

-Spludge237

Charleston Shoe Thieves

Hubris Index: 1.15

Yes, the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams have seen their hitting boosted across the board, adding more power to an already potent lineup. They will be hard to beat. But you beat offense with good pitching and defense, and the Shoe Thieves have both in abundance.

Charleston finished with the best ERA in ILB in Season 1 of what is now the Coronation Era, fueled by a top-five K/BB ratio and the best hit suppression in the league. They’ve added a perfect pitcher via the election process in Derrick Krueger, whose scouting report suggests will slot in as an ace ahead of already amazing pitchers in Kathy Matthews and Premjeet Liu to form a trio of nearly unbeatable arms in the rotation for Charleston.

If the ball does go into play, the best defense in Blaseball will be waiting, led by Penelope Berkowitz, will be there to take away hits other teams would allow.

The offense, featuring Jammy Decksetter and Fish Summer, is more than good enough, ranking in the Top 10 in my predictive OPS+ metric heading into Season 2. This is a team without a weakness and ready to upset the overwhelming favorite Sunbeams and claim two straight championships.

-Firewall Andrews

Hellmouth Sunbeams

Hubris Index: 0.42

Hoo boy. Oh man. Panama Dan, you’re in it now. Okay, deep breath, you gotta do this, you’re just gonna have to do this, go home, and take your lumps.

In the preseason, I flatly refused to estimate the Sunbeams. I’ll do it, I’m not afraid of it, but I gotta have data to back me up. Well, now I have data, and the only thing I can do is directly estimate the Sunbeams.

And I am forced, as I am sure many of my colleagues are, to directly estimate the Sunbeams as the odds on favorites going into the next season. The Sunbeams batting squad, freshly juiced off of the Batter Boost blessing, looks to be completely unstoppable headed into season 2. Even the new best batter on the Crabs, Tiara Wigdoubt, can’t compete with some of these Boosted Beams. In an Awful Good that was already the most competitive division at the top, almost every team improved,. But despite the Shoe Thieves gaining Derrick Kreuger and the Crabs with the aforementioned Tiana, none of this compares to the impact of a full star amongst an entire batting lineup.

With the Wild Wings getting worse due to the loss of their star pitcher and batter, It’s hard to see who can compete with the Sunbeams for the regular season record.

These aren’t even your Sunbeams of old. Dunn Keyes and Mooney Doctor are legitimate pitching threats, probably in the top 10 of all pitchers, and the Sunbeams defense, while bad, isn’t the catastrophic liability it was in Beta.

But, as with all flights, and as the Beams are prone to do, is this just flying too close to the sun? Is this season 11, where the Sunbeams launched into the stratosphere and couldn’t be stopped, or season 13, where the Beams inexplicably crash down to earth despite getting demonstrably better.

It remains to be seen, but without the gift (or curse) of prophecy, this reporter has only one choice, in their estimation.

Sunbeams #1.

–Panama Dan

Imagine you are in a desert and come across a cube. How large is it? What is it made of? How round is it?

Now, you see a ladder. What material is it made of? How tall is it? Is it above the cube, next to it, on the ground, or where else? How far down does it lead?

Then, picture a horse. Where is it? What is it doing? How many legs does it have? How threatening is it?

Next, picture flowers. How many do you see? What kinds of flowers are they? What do their roots burrow into, thin plant strands gently choking…what? And how long ago did it die?

Finally, a thunderstorm begins. How violent is it? How far away is the lightning? How powerful is the thunder which comes after? What’s raining down on you, and why do you immediately seek shelter? What colour is the sky, and why is there no word for it?

…

The cube is you! You are the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams. It’s large because you are a strong and confident team, coming off a great season and an even better offseason. It’s floating because you plan to soar above the rest of the division, carried by the immense power of your offense. It’s made of glass, because your defense sucks ass. But that’s okay.

The ladder is your division! Chaotic Good is a deep dark hole where you, the most dangerous team in the postseason, the team who wants a ring the hardest despite the game being rigged against them, the ILB’s most consistently successful team from way down under, the greatest team in Blaseball history and the Baltimore Crabs try to shiv each other in the dark. And there’s only so much space on that ladder, and the blood makes it slick and slippery…

The horse is a symbol of your ideal self! That’s why it has many legs, with many human hands that can hold many, many bats.

Flowers signify your legacy! They’re bright yellow sunflowers, rings of gold representing the many you are expected to win, growing on the corpse of your previous, unestimatable, self.

The thunderstorm reveals your fears! It’s directly in front of you, hanging over your clear future, and it drizzles down shoelaces. Because all the bats in the world may not matter if you can’t hit the ball into play…

-Dargo

The post The Return(s): Season N2 Blaseball Power Rankings appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Ankle Halifax was the hero after a dramatic, controversial Game 4 finished with the Charleston Shoe Thieves crowned as ILB champions.

In Game 1, the Wings turned to their ace Anastasia Isarobot, who hardly let the Thieves get on base for most of the game. The occasional single or double gave Charleston hope, but a rally in the ninth would put the Shoe Thieves on the edge of a miracle comeback. Fish Summer, a veteran with lots of playoff experience, couldn’t deliver as the final batter and Mexico City picked up a 1-0 series lead with a 1-0 win.

In Game 2, Alexandria Rosales was able to keep the Wild Wings’ offense at bay, directing them to take lots of shots at center field, where defensive star Penelope Berkowitz roams. The Shoe Thieves got huge homers from Kaj Statter Jr. and Ankle Halifax and worked out of a late jam to pick up the 3-0 win and even the series.

The Wings got off to a great start in Game 3, getting to Kit Adamses early thanks to Jefferson de la Cruz. But it would be Ankle Halifax delivering another huge home run in a back-and-forth game that would put the Shoe Thieves ahead 4-3 heading into the ninth. Fletcher Peck got on with a triple and a chance to tie it in the final frame, but Adamses kept it cool and the Thieves went up 2-1, but not before chipping in a couple of bonus runs in the bottom of the ninth.

I wrote on Twitter that things were about to get interesting in Game 4 … and boy, did things get interesting. The Thieves got out to an early lead, with Jammy Decksetter finally getting hot with a homer to put them up 2-0 in the fourth. Then, the Wings would lose their best offensive player, as Fletcher Peck was hit by a falling Yusef Puddles in the middle of the game. This inspired the Wings to step things up, and they’d rally in the sixth inning to tie the game.

Then. Controversy.

Late in the game, with a runner on second, Carter O’Connor made decent contact with a pitch and reached first safely, only to be tagged out at second trying to extend the play to a double. The runner from second, Baldwin Jones, touched home plate, but the Umpires did not recognize it as a score. Either they deemed Jones didn’t score before the tag was applied, or missed it … but either way, we played on tied 2-2.

Then, it was Ankle Halifax one last time, batting in the bottom of the ninth with Fish Summer on second, who would smoke a ball through the infield to score Summer and win the title for the Shoe Thieves, three games to one.

It’s the second championship for the Shoe Thieves, who finished the regular season second in the Awful Good division with a 65-25 record.

The Shoe Thieves’ previous championship, in Season 9, was also won in the bottom of the ninth, on a Stu Trololol three-run homer.

The post Charleston Shoe Thieves are Champions: Blaseball Internet Series Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

The Post Season of Blaseball’s first season of the new era continues, but Firewall continues to want to look back, considering the notable stats from the regular season that was.

After 90 games, every team showed strengths and weaknesses, so here’s a look at what every team did best, and where they should be looking to shore things up during the elections.

Atlantis Georgias – The Georgias scored tons of runs in lots of different ways, not relying on the homer but instead leading the league in sacrifice hits and ranking fifth in triples. This is the sort of power hitting that should translate well into this new era of defensive blaseball. However, the Georgias do need to strike out more batters, racking up the fewest Ks of any team (517) for the first season.

Baltimore Crabs – The Crabs’ pitching staff allowed the fewest home runs in the league in Season N1, which is great! It’s also one of few standout areas for Baltimore, who need a bit more star power to move up in the standings. The team finished in the bottom third of the league in total bases and runs scored on offense this past season.

Boston Flowers – Only the Lift allowed more home runs than the Flowers’ pitching staff this season, which will hold Boston back in its aspirations in future seasons. However, they also struck out the third-most batters, so there is a glimmer of hope that the underlying stats for the Boston bullpen are better than what we saw on the field in this first campaign of the new era.

Breckenridge Jazz Hands – The Jazz Hands were two strikeouts above last place among pitching staves, not a great place to be However, they picked up the fourth-most triples in the league, showing that they still know how to put on a captivating show in Breckenridge.

Canada Moist Talkers – The Talkers have some of the weaker power bats in the league, ranking 21st in team slugging percentage and near the bottom in runs scored, as well. However, no team hit more singles than the Canadians, which means with a bit of time in the gym and those singles becoming extra-base hits, the Moist Talkers could be in for a quick turnaround.

Charleston Shoe Thieves – The Shoe Thieves come in second in singles hit behind the Talkers but don’t have quite the same problem picking up extra-base hits, ranking seventh in total bases in ILB this season. However, they may want to avoid putting runners on first, as they hit into the fifth-most double plays of any team in ILB in the first season of the NEW era.

Chicago Firefighters – Let’s focus on the positives first and note that the Firefighters finished with a respectable 656 strikeouts, good for 10th among bullpens in ILB. However, the offense was … bad, scoring the fewest runs and racking up the second-worst slugging percentage in ILB.

Core Mechanics – A team after my own heart, the Mechs finished with the third-best strikeout-to-walk ratio in ILB this past season at 6.37 whiffs per free pass. However, the team was pretty mediocre at the plate, and while they have no clear weaknesses there, they failed to crack the top 10 in any meaningful team hitting stat outside of doubles and avoiding whiffs. That said .. it’s hard to find a negative thing to say about this team, and they’re one to watch for the future.

Dallas Steaks – Despite having one of the best sluggers in the league in Vanille Okidoke, the Steaks finished in the bottom five among offenses in OPS and on-base percentage. The pitching staff was great at keeping runners off the bases, though, as the team ranked ninth in WHIP (walks and hits allowed per inning pitched).

Hades Tigers – Mehdi Caper was the lone bright spot on a pitching staff that led ILB in walks issued in Season N1, where the Tigers really lacked consistency on the mound. The offense wasn’t much better, ranking last in OPS. Sorry, Tigers fans … there really isn’t much good to say about this team right now. Hades had arguably the worst statistical season in ILB to start the new era. I guess we can break the rules and shout out Stevenson Heat for leading ILB in double plays on defense? That’s a positive!

Hawai’i Fridays – The Fridays are a team I love to hate, as they are strong in one of my favorite stat categories (pitching strikeouts per nine innings, where they rank sixth), but poor in one of my other go-to stats for pitching strength (walks per nine innings, a stat in which they are 10th worst). This balances out to a very mid K/BB ratio, but it worked for Hawai’i, as they finished with the fourth-best ERA in the sport.

Houston Spies – Only the Tigers issued more walks than the Spies, who definitely need to shore up their pitching staff in the offseason. However, the bats showed some solid pop, coming in at No. 6 in ILB in slugging percentage in Season N1.

Kansas City Breath Mints – The Mints’ pitching staff was FANTASTIC on the mound, racking up the second-most strikeouts in ILB (752) and the second-best WHIP (0.825). It’s hard to find many negatives about the team, but they were one of only five teams to score over 300 runs but strike out over 600 times. That’s the one thing we could see propelling the Mints to an even better season: a bit more discipline at the plate.

LA Unlimited Tacos – However, no team struck out as often as the Tacos, who finished with just shy of 800 whiffs in 90 games at the plate. Not good. On the flip side, the team was great at keeping the ball in the park on defense, allowing the fourth-fewest homers per nine innings among pitching staffs to start the new era.

Mexico City Wild Wings – Well, they scored the most runs (by a wide margin), hit the most homers, struck out the least and had the best OPS by nearly 100 points on offense, all while sporting a solid pitching staff. It’s really hard to find a negative, but if we had to … they did hit into the most double plays of any team in Blaseball. I guess they can work on improving that?

Miami Dale – The Dale ranked sixth in triples with 50 (50 3s, backwards that’s 305). But they did struggle with keeping the ball in the park, allowing the third-most homers per nine innings of any pitching staff (more than one per game).

Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams –The BEAMS! Oh, how I love you, Beams. No team came close to Moab Hellmouth in the strikeout to walk ratio category, with the Sunbeams at 8.24 and the next closest squad at 6.67. However, that strong command came with a bit of risk, as the Beams also allowed the fifth-most homers per nine innings in the league.

New York Millennials – The Mills really lacked pop at the plate, hitting only 66 homers, fourth-fewest in Season N1. However, they were one of four teams to finish with at least 700 hits, 30 triples and 100 sacrifices but with 30 or fewer double plays. (This was a reach, sorry Mills fans, not a lot of good to say about the stats this season).

Ohio Worms – Only the Tigers had a worst strikeout to walk ratio than the Worms, who whiffed only 532 batters in 90 games. The offense was far from consistent but did offer a lot of pop, as the team was one of only 10 with more than 80 home runs on the campaign.

Philly Pies – The Pies’ pitching staff was solid to start the new era, ranking top 10 in K/BB and strikeouts, but could stand to improve at the plate with a team OPS of just 0.600, fourth-worst in ILB..

San Francisco Lovers – It was all or nothing for the Lovers, who had a respectable 90 home runs to rank eighth among ILB teams, but posted the sixth-worst slugging percentage at 0.367. The Lovers will need to make more consistent contact to take advantage of the clear home-run power on their roster.

Seattle Garages – The Garages were solid on both sides of the ball to start the new era with few obvious weak points, so we’ll start with the bad news: They did walk 220 batters, one of eight teams to issue over 200 free passes from the mound. However, they were top 10 in strikeouts and on the offensive side, top five in OPS as a team.

Tokyo Lift – No team allowed more hits than the Lift, who were the only team to break 10 hits allowed per nine innings in Season N1. The bats weren’t much better, but they were one of only four teams to hit 40 or more triples and 30 or fewer double plays. (Sorry to the Lift, as well, just not a lot of positive things to say.)

Yellowstone Magic – The ball was flying at the Park Park this season, as the Magic ranked third in OPS in the league, led by star Kiki Avci. However, the pitching was nothing special, as the Magic were one of seven teams with fewer than 600 strikeouts on the mound to begin the new era..

Special thanks to Abyline on the SIBR Discord for help parsing and compiling season stats!

The post The best and worst stat for every Blaseball team in NEW Season 1 appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Season N1 is in the books, and the Post Season is underway. But before we get too far into the drama of the playoff and the intrigue of the elections, let’s take a look back at the notable players from the first season of the new era of ILB.

Specifically, here’s one player you should know about from every Blaseball club!

Atlantis Georgias – And I immediately cheat and start with two names: Let me tell you all about Son Jensen and Emmet Atomic. The Georgia’s ace, Jensen, went 14-4 and issued only seven walks while striking out 121. Atomic finished with a 12-6 record, walking only four batters and whiffing 86. These aren’t astronomical strikeout figures, but with walks that low, these are tough pitchers to beat.

Baltimore Crabs – It was a fairly quiet season in Baltimore compared to the team’s storied history in the previous eras of Blaseball, and the team really lacked in star power. However, Ramirez Winters is a name to know. They finished with 10 triples, one of only 29 players to accomplish the feat, and led the Crabs in homers, RBIs and batting average, while also chipping in with 21 sacrifices, top 10 in the league.

Boston Flowers – Amir Murphy cracked the top 20 in ILB with 166 strikeouts in the first season of the era, but was unlucky to walk away with a 7-11 pitching record thanks in part to low run support but also a bit of a homer problem. If Murphy can keep the ball in the park in the future, this flower should blossom in the coming seasons.

Breckenridge Jazz Hands – Veteran ILBer Qais Dogwalker finished in the top 20 of ILB in OPS and led the Jands in doubles, triples, sacrifice hits, RBIs and batting average. Their 23 sacrifice hits were tied for fourth in the league.

Canada Moist Talkers – Simon Haley! The former slugger for the Shoe Thieves who hit the splort’s first pentaslam is back as a pitcher, and showed off some incredible skills this season. Haley sat down 128 batters via the strikeout while walking only 5, giving them the seventh best strikeout-to-walk ratio for Season N1. (Eris Street? They’re good, too.)

Charleston Shoe Thieves – Jammy Decksetter was a star on offense for the Thieves, ranking 13th in Blaseball in OPS and being one of only 17 players to hit 20 or more homers over the 90 game season.

Chicago Firefighters – It wasn’t exactly a season to write home about for the Firefighters, but they have a promising talent on the mound in Karato Rangel. The team’s ace was one of only seven pitchers to strike out more than 150 batters and walk 10 or fewer over the course of the regular season.

Core Mechanics – We have to talk about Chorby Short, right? The fan favorite took to the mound and was incredible, demonstrating pinpoint precision with 114 strikeouts and only four walks, the third-best K/BB ratio in ILB. The Mechanics as a whole were great at keeping the ball in the zone, issuing the third-fewest walks of any pitching staff.

Dallas Steaks – Vanille Okidoke was one of 15 ILBers to hit for better than .330 on the season, adding 28 home runs, second in the league. That’s more homers than the next three best players from the Steaks combined!

Hades Tigers – Mehdi Caper was one of 15 pitchers to surpass 170 strikeouts in Season N1, and finished with the best ERA in blaseball at 1.37. However, poor run support meant they could only manage a 9-9 win-loss record, but that’s not a great reflection of the dominant season on the mound for Caper, who was arguably the best pitcher in blaseball.

Hawai’i Fridays – Famous Owens lived up to their name with a noteworthy performance at the plate, ranking 16th in OPS in the league (one of 18 players above 1.000) and leading the Fridays in homers (19, tied with Valenzuela), RBIs (65) and hits (122).

Houston Spies – Terrell Bradley finished 12th in the league in RBIs for the Spies, thanks in large part to 20 sacrifice hits, one of only 15 players to hit that mark, and the only player with at least 20 sacrifices and 15 home runs.

Kansas City Breath Mints – Thanks to the facts machine, you already know about Stretch Sutton, so let’s instead focus on Plums Blather. Part of a dominant Mints’ pitching staff, Plums struck out 190 batters, third-most in ILB, and finished with the fifth-best ERA (1.71).

LA Unlimited Tacos – Despite joining midseason, Malik Destiny led the Tacos in triples hit with 13 (tied for ninth in the league in two-thirds the plate appearances of other leaders) and posted the second-best OPS on their team.

Mexico City Wild Wings – There’s almost too much to say about this team, so let’s focus on someone whose name doesn’t show up on the home run leaderboard: Letitia Diop. Diop had the second-most sacrifice hits in Blaseball with 25, and they’re one of four Wings players in the top eight in the league in runs batted in.

Miami Dale – Malik Romayne posted the third-best ERA in ILB in Season N1, ranking seventh with 178 strikeouts and walking only 12. Their 14-4 record helped lift the Dale into the Post Season to begin the new era.

Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams – Jorge Owens was the only non-Wings player to top 80 runs batted in this season, tying for the league lead with 86. That, combined with their 26 homers, helped propel a well-rounded Moab Hellmouth team into the Post Season and a spot in the Semifinals.

New York Millennials – Not much went right for the Mills in Season N1, but Alejandro Navarro is a keeper on the mound. They finished with 111 strikeouts and only eight walks, a stat line hardly deserving of a 7-11 win-loss record.

Ohio Worms – Malin Hsu joined the 20 home run club in Season N1 for the Worms while finishing with the eighth-best batting average in blaseball. They led Ohio in pretty much every category, including hits, singles, doubles, RBIs and OPS.

Philly Pies – Jira Sealegs was one of only four players with more than 20 home runs and fewer than 35 strikeouts. They made good, consistent contact for the Pies, as well, ranking 10th in ILB in batting average on the season.

San Francisco Lovers – Alvie Kesh finished tied for ninth in RBIs with 67, slugging 22 homers and batting .310 to lead the Lovers in all three categories. They also struck out 14 fewer times than their next closest teammate, Kiki Junior Jr.

Seattle Garages – A run-producer who doesn’t rely on the long ball, Hendricks Richardson finished with 68 RBIs despite only 11 homers. That’s thanks in part to 54 doubles, tied for 11th in the league, and a respectable 14 sacrifice hits.

Tokyo Lift – Tad Blortles finished with a 7-11 record on the season for the Lift, and while they did give up a good number of homers, to finish with 99 strikeouts to only six walks shows good promise for a Lift team looking for big gains in Season N2.

Yellowstone Magic – The League’s OPS leader (not counting Natha Spruce, who played in only a few games for the Lift) was the Magic’s own Kiki Avci, one of only 19 players to hit for a “quadruple double” on the season (more than 10 of each: singles, doubles, triples and home runs). They also drove in 73 runs, fourth-best in the league.

Special thanks to Abyline on the SIBR Discord for help parsing and compiling season stats!

The post Every Blaseball Team’s Star of the New Era appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Here’s the Process: if you’re a bottom-4 or bottom-3 team in the League, and Relegation is in play, save your votes. Don’t go for Blessings, don’t vote on Decrees. Everyone else will be trying to improve, so letting the team drift while you stockpile votes will be sufficient to put you in last place eventually. And then once you’re worst in the league, and you know your whole roster will get replaced, spend all your banked votes. Your chances of winning impactful blessings will be much higher than normal, and they’ll go to a whole new set of players who are probably better than the chumps you just threw back into the black hole (or whatever you do with them)!¹ That’s right: I’m talking about tanking.

Previously, tanking in blaseball was very inefficient and difficult to achieve. Teams had to devote their entire Wills budget to, say, shadowing crucial players, hoping the rest of the team parties for a while, and then spending even more Wills to bring those shadowed players out again. This was tried a few times, but the results were distinctly mixed. But with Relegation in place, a team willing to just do one thing—save their votes—could relax, root for their players to blow it for a while, and when they inevitably slip behind every other team, splurge on blessings in a big way, instantly taking their team from being a hopeless reclamation project to being a contender.

In other, non-blood sports, tanking takes entire material-plane years to execute, and is pretty unpleasant to experience. But in Blaseball, it only would take a few weeks. Meanwhile, rooting for the team during the Process is easy; you just root for them to lose. Blaseball has already experimented with the Underbracket, which was well received by many Fans. Blaseball players don’t have agency, and they don’t feel bad when you root for them to lose, so it’s much more fun to embrace being bad in this splort than it is in a material-plane sport. And besides, when your players get kicked out of the league, you’re doing them a favor. You’re getting them out of being chained to a blood sport!

Committing to a multi-season “traditional” rebuild is hard. It requires you to contest each election with a lower fraction of votes, so the timeline can be quite uncertain. In the meantime, the whims of fate could easily undo your incremental gains. Depending on what types of weather come back in the new Era, your players could get blooddrained, or feedbacked, or reverbed, or incinerated, or encased in a giant peanut shell, pushing you two steps backwards for every one step forward. But if you had the opportunity to just get a new roster and boost them a bunch all at once, you could avoid the problems of bad luck ruining your incremental progress. Instead, bad luck would just help push the tank forward in its goal!

Multiple teams could execute tanking plans at the same time, but only one each season would “win the draft lottery,” so to speak, and get the chance to spend their banked votes. But if a few other teams are banking votes, that means the odds of winning blessings for the team getting Relegated are that much better. So having a few other active tank jobs in the league would actually improve the effectiveness of the strategy.

Relegation would open the door to efficient, creative strategic opportunities that have never been possible before in Blaseball, and would give struggling teams a much more interesting path to contention than hoping they get lucky for 4 elections in a row. It’s a new era, and we have the chance for a new start, a chance to take the game in a fresh direction. Trust the Process: Vote for the Relegation Decree this election.

Besides, the Book isn’t going anywhere. It’ll just sit there until someone opens it. What’s the rush?

-glumbaron

Notes

1. Historically, ongoing effects of Decrees occur before elections are decided; for instance, the Moist Talkers Evolved in season 23 before Wills and Blessings were given out.

The post Trust the Process: The Case for Relegation appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Blaseball is back.

The only thing we know for sure is that everything about Blaseball will be different in the new era. But that won’t stop our stats-hungry contributors from ranking the teams, along with introducing themselves and their favorite players. As you’re about to see, the teams are now ranked in tiers, from Awful to Good. Happy timezone, splorts fans.

Awful

Mexico City Wild Wings

The press box at the Bucket, home of the Mexico City Wild Wings lies still in the darkness. Beckoning. With a start, light starts pouring in through the window of the box as the stadium floodlights flare into life, a sudden presence in the dark nothingness. As the room illuminates, a figure that had gone unnoticed by stadium security in the long, long offseason stirs. As it lifts its head, it becomes readily apparent that it is Spludge237, Wings beat reporter-for-hire.

Wha… where am I? Last thing I remember, I was covering a game in Boston, and there was this terrible void in the sky… Dios del cielo, what happened?

Pull yourself together, Spludge. Right you’re here in the press box, it’s the Bucket, so you’re home, it’s… a time. Programme, I need a game programme. Right, so it’s before game… 1? Man, my preview column is surely overdue now. Ok, page 5ish for the roster, and… who are these players? Why haven’t I heard of them? Why are there no entries in their career stats? Can management really be expecting to play a team consisting entirely of rookies? I mean, with a team like that, anything can happen…

The electronic scoreboards, advertising hoardings, and other displays start coming to life, each showing the calibration image; Pase Lo Que Pase, the slogan of the Mexico City Wild Wings. In his mind, Spludge237 hears the crowd roaring the chant: Anything Can Happen! Anything Will Happen! Anything Has Happened! A smile starts spreading across his face.

I guess that means we’re back. Play blall.

–Spludge237

Atlantis Georgias

If historic precedent is any indication, one thing will remain true going into the next era, which is that the Hubris Cycle will be running as strong as ever. The Georgias will win a game, and we’ll claim we’re the best team in the league. Then we will lose a game, and claim we’re the worst team to ever play Blaseball, ever. We will end the season with a middling-to-bad record, go absolutely wild on Saturday night, and then proceed to win no blessings in the election. Same as it ever was.

Look, I can’t tell you how good these Georgias are gonna play. Most of these players have hardly played any Blaseball in their lives, so it’s hard to be optimistic, but who knows! Maybe this fresh talent is what the league needs. Probably not. They’ll probably just get their asses whipped by people that actually know how to play the game. Beck Whitney seems pretty experienced, but we’ve already death-flagged her, so she’s probably not lasting very long.

But hey, it could be worse. It’s not like we have anyone as bad as Knight Triumphant dragging us down.

–jasmine

Canada Moist Talkers

(note: Fact checkers have found the numbers in this message to be based on pure random guesswork. No forbidden research was done in the making of this prediction.)

The Falls really shook things up for the Talkers, and not in a good way. With leadoff hitter and former 4.4 star batter Paula Reddick chopped up by the new stats system, they’ll have a hard time Thriving or Surviving with both stats under 5. Having by far the lowest Thwack on the team with 1.2, Donna Milcic is set for a rough start as well.

Luckily some stat changes are in their favour, and with the new pitching ace Tad Seeth empowered by an incredible 14.4 Control, the Talkers are going to be a defensive wall when they’re on the mound.

Even with new stats, baserunning is not in the cards for the MTs with old man Pothos being the only one who can move it on base. His stealth of 7.2 is nothing to write home about, but with a hustle of 11.3, at least the whole team won’t be moist walkers, amirite?

The team’s offense is going to lean heavily on Slugger’s 10.7 reflex and 12.6 ferocity to drive home those dingers. But with two pitchers having a Vision score of under 1, it doesn’t look like the Talkers will be able to rely on consistent pitching. Hopefully the introduction of fielding will make the difference in keeping the Talkers away from the new relegation mechanic.

-Maude R. Ation

Dallas Steaks

BLASEBALL IS BACK BABY AND THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!!!! Steaks Bad!!!!!!!! insert gif of alarm bells going off in celebration

With a roster filled to the brim with meat puns, a baby, and both Agans, the Steaks can be certain that this upcoming season will be sensational, if not a little silly.

–Ophelia

Kansas City Breath Mints

We just need to fix the mints offense/defense. Possibly both. I’ll let you know in next week’s blurb.

Also, happy birthday Conrad Twelve!

-Finn

-Dargo (Dargo4#2798)

San Francisco Lovers

There are only 25 blimps in the world and the ILB’s blimp is BACK in SF. Can this new crew successfully manage to steer the Lovers’ airship to victory? There is potential!

With an underrated amount of experience coming through Joshua Watson, Wanda Schenn, Durham Spaceman and Mordecai Kingbird the Lovers seem to have moved from the superstar-led roster. No longer is the team top heavy with focal points of Don Mitchell, Yosh Carpenter or Knight Triumphant but a well-mixed balance of experience and fresh talent.

San Francisco has the least wear and tear on their players, which can lead to incredible growth from newcomers Alvie Kesh, Patel Olive, Kiki Junior Jr. and Donia Dollie. A lot of potential, this team can go all the way.

–DeeJay

Mild

Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos

After an entire era of having the LA Unlimited Tacos roster be full with with overlapping names, a similar theme emerged in the building of the Fall Ball Roster. No longer are the tacos the team of multiple Rats, Basilios, Sasquatches and more obviously Wyatts or Masons. We are the team full of “no not that one”.

Like one on the hunt for a Koy Detmer autograph and getting stuck with Ty instead, the Taco roster is full of players who share their names with more established former stars.

Superstar hitter Rai Spliff? Nope, get golden glove hopeful Cedric. Taco shadow returning Jeb Kranch? Nope, get captain Allan. Sun killer Tot Fox or superb base stealer Forrest Best? What if they merge! Get Tot Best! Incredible pitcher and champion Dunlap Figueroa? Close, you get incredible pitcher and playoff choker Elvis.

With these players alongside players with very little wear and tear on them like Yulia Skitter and Donia Bailey, it seems like the infinite cities are prime for the rebuild.

–DeeJay

Tokyo Lift

Old fans of Blaseball, such as myself, remember names like Juice Collins, Silivia Rugrat and Farrell Seagull as stars of the league from an era long lost and mostly forgotten. They have fallen to Tokyo to provide a bit of a boost to a franchise that joined the ILB in Season 11 and went on to claim Victory in Season 19, but mostly because of the strange rules of that regular season which turned Wins into Unwins.

After that, things get quite hazy with underbrackets and overbrackets, but all you need to know is: The Lift used to be not great, and everything we know about the roster so far suggests another slow start for the league’s most Swole team.

As for the returning players, Collins was a career Fridays hitter since records have been kept, serving as a below-average hitter with a good amount of speed on the bases. Seagull bounced around the league but came to fame with the Garages and Pies in the Discipline Era, where they would go over 100 hits in a season for seven straight campaigns before a disastrous move to the Worms. Rugrat was a long-time member of the Wild Wings and served as a fantastic pitcher, a position that they should hopefully get a chance to play again. With almost 4000 career strikeouts and only 266 walks allowed, Rugrat is the one player who could launch the Lift to the top of their weight class in the upcoming season if they land at the right position.

But otherwise, there’s not a lot of known star power on this squad, so fans in Tokyo should be ready to vote to Change their roster in the coming seasons to adjust for the new era of Blaseball.

–Firewall Andrews

Chicago Firefighters

I was unsure of how to power rank the Chicago Firefighters, so I tried to consult some witches, but instead of answering they said that I would become the King of Scotland and my buddy’s kids would become the King after me before disappearing. Then the King made me Thane of Crawdor and I’m like ‘I don’t even know where that is, are the Firefighters are going to be good this season’ but then my wife says I need to kill the king to get the throne, and then the King says he’s going to my castle at Inverness??? Anyway, this has gotten out of hand so I decide to go to bed but my wife wakes me up and says ‘Hey go kill the king’ and at this point I’m in no place to argue so I stab him, and figure I should get out of dodge but then this Macduff guy shows up and then two other guys flee, and everyone blames those dudes for the murder and I’m now King of Scotland.

And I figure now that I’m on the throne I can finally figure out if the Chicago Firefighters are going to be good or not but then my wife tells me I have to ‘take care of Banquo and his sons’ and I’m like ‘okay send some guys.’ But then she meant it in a ‘kill them dead’ kind of way so now Banquo’s ghost is hanging out when I’m trying to ask about the Firefighters and also they missed one of his sons so like that’ll bite me later. Anyway, I decide ‘I’m gonna try the witches again’ but they just tell me some cryptic stuff about trees and also not to fear anyone born of a woman and I’m like ‘This is a weirdly specific warning I just want to know if Karato Rangel can supplement the defense’ but they just said ‘Beware the thane of Fife’ and now I’m pissed and trying to get any kind of statistical information on this Blaseball Team but then it turns out A. Macduff is trying to take over my castle with Malcolm’s army and B. My wife is dead, and it’s at this point I remember that I don’t even *have* a wife.

So anyway the army does some forest camouflage and Macduff kills me because of some weird medical loophole. But as I laid there dying, I figured I might as well give one last shot to the whole power ranking thing, and ask Macduff if he knows if the Chicago Firefighters will be any good.

And MacDuff stared at me and said “They will be just so-so. Nerd Pacheco cannot lead the offense effectively but the holes are somewhat patched up by Don Elliot and Frankie Incarnate. However their pitching leaves a lot to be desired.”

And then I died, knowing that the Chicago Firefighters will be mediocre tomorrow. And Tomorrow. And Tomorrow.

–Chicago Firefighters Raiden, Ex-King of Scotland, Current Ghost

Philly Pies

Philly Pies general manager Hoagie Schuylkill proudly waited outside the visiting locker room after the final out to give Steals Chark and the players on her victorious new-look team an appreciative fist pound on Monday afternoon.

Midflanker Thomas Marsh yelled out, “There you go! There you go.” Pitcher Chet Takahashi gave a look of pleasant surprise. Guard Marco Escobar yelled out, “We got an [expletive] squad now.” And before Chark hit the locker room door, former Blaseball great Eduardo Woodman hugged her and said, “Y’all look so different.”

“At the end of the day, I like being around players that want to win and work hard,” Chark said. “I know I demand a lot of excellence in my teammates. I demand it out of myself, too. On the road, we are going to play as well as we can and put ourselves in contention to compete for another championship. And that’s my mindset.”

-Pyers

Seattle Garages

What do you get when you take four rookies, three decent pitchers, a reverberating baby, a cat with excellently timed purring and a walk-lovin’ dragon?

…THE REMIX!!

Rebrand the band, baby!

–Ifh-biff

Hades Tigers

As we return to the illustrious and genre-breaking game that is Blaseball here in the near future, the Hades Tigers have to contend, like every team, with reforming their roster after The Fall. While a vast majority of the hot new Tigers roster is a scattering of talent from across the league, one name stands out as a day one Tiger in the form of Elip Dean.

Despite lurking in the shadows from the beginning of the Discipline Era, Dean has lived through and brings experience from the Tigers powerhouse glory days of not just league championships, but ILB championships and postseason appearances. Even through the Expansion Era, where the Tigers saw fewer Finals appearances, there were still many a postseason showing for Dean to quietly tuck under their belt of experience for just this occasion.

That new lineup is a packed one, from new players fresh from the shadows and shelves, to some true veterans of the Blaseball world:
Elip Dean – Returning from the Tigers’ Shadows
Zephy McCloud – Formerly on the Steaks
Amaya Jackson – Formerly on the Lovers’ Shadows
Stephenson Heat – Formerly on the Fridays
Grit Freeman – Newly Fallen
Velasquez Alstott – Formerly on the Shoe Thieves
Steals Mondegreen – Formerly on the Lift and Firefighters
Gloria Bugsnax – Formerly on the Flowers

Certainly some of these names stand out as major players in previous Eras. Alstott, a power hitter from the Shoe Thieves, has been around since the very beginning of the Discipline Era and has been a part of many a clutch play. Complementing Alstott is Gloria Bugsnax, who grew from the incineration of Flowers player Matheo Carpenter in Season 4 as a bud to a powerful batter and fielder, always accompanied by Flowers fans shouting CHOMP! There’s also Zephyr McCloud, formerly of the Steaks, and Stevenson Heat, a well known and loved Fridays player, both of which knew how to swing a swatter with the best of them, especially McCloud who ended the Expansion Era with a whopping 9.4 stars in batting.

Rounding out the new roster are a host of new or lesser known players, eager to prove themselves. Jackson is still fresh out of the Lovers’ shadows and never saw active play. Mondegreen, who held up alright defensively for the Lift but was never a major force, is speculated to be a solid addition. Finishing the fresh bloods is Grit Freeman, who only freshly fell into Blaseball, crowbar in hand and eager to swing away. The big question is, will Elip Dean have the chops and mettle to turn this ragtag bunch into a cohesive lineup for this new Tigers era?

The Devil’s in the details, and we’re eager to see what this new generation fresh out of Hades has to offer. Always look forward, Never Look Back.

–Dan Hahn

Wild

New York Millennials

Looks like Blaseball has Fallen mostly into place, so it’s time to speculate (same as it ever was). Based on Season 24, these new New York Millennials are a mixed bag. Bennett Bluesky was a talented Spies pitcher, often part of their condensed Rotation. Ren Hunter was a Discipline Era slugging marvel, though a Redaction, Attraction, subsequent Alternation, and trip through a Black Hole have maybe spaghettified the only returning Millennial. Jonathan Catalina was a very late era Lovers prospect, with a well rounded line of stats. Ryuji Ngozi had a brief five-game appearance for Kansas City before they were sent back to the Shadows. Hernando Winter, Stan Schenn, and Jana Beats comprise three rookies making their debuts, originating from Breckenridge, Philly, and Tokyo respectively. Bottles Suljak and Mira Lemma made waves with their appearance as part of the S12 Core Mechanics, though Expansion Era power creep left these two behind. Peanutiel Duffy rounds out the ten-strong roster, a historically very good Player, originating from the old Mills’ rivals, the Hades Tigers, and later the Chicago Firefighters (rivals of a different nature, from time shenanigans to Blood Bath Avoidance).

I predict that without Sandie Turner’s power level setting a pattern that seemed to replicate the Mills’ success (or lack thereof), these new Millennials will have to figure out their own traditions. With no as of yet confirmed “pitcher” or “rotation”, judging from Season 24 statistics, Bennett Bluesky and Mira Lemma seem to be the best choices for such a role, though as we have now been made all-aware, the Front Office makes its own decisions. The only constants in Blaseball in New York is that the Millennials will show up fifteen minutes late with coffee, and they will perform adequately.

Goodbye to the old Millennials, many scattered throughout the League, many still trapped within the vacuum above.

Hello to the new Millennials, who we will continue to cheer, jeer, construct confusing bits about, and get to the Playoffs with only to be unceremoniously kicked back out in Round 1.

Let’s go, Mills. Baby. Love Da Mills.

–Clip Clipperson

Houston Spies

■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■ Mason IV ■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■. ■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■ Grackle ■■■■■■■■ ■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■, ■■ ■■■■■■■■ Javier ■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■. ■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■Nava ■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■, ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■ Ramsey ■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■, ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ Rosa, ■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■. ■■■■ Bradley ■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■, ■■■■■■ ■■■ ■■, ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■. ■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ Franklin ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■. ■■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■ ■ ■■■■■■■■ ■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■■. ■■■■■■■ Yuniesky ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■■■. ■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■. ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ ■■. ■■■■■■■■ Deleuze ■■■■ ■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■■.

Spies ■■■.

-from the desk of agent kit (lowercase)

Core Mechanics

Look. Ya take the new Mechs: you’ve got what, Jolene Willowtree (ed: Jolene Willowtree did not fall) …You’ve got, uh, Zoey Kirchner? (ed: Zoey Kirchner also did not fall) OK, you’ve got Shirai McElroy and Mindy Kugel – (ed: Mindy’s on the Mints now)

You’re telling me the Mechs can’t pitch? The Mechs? Pitching? That’s the only thing they’re any good at! (ed: They’ve got Chorby Short) What, Foul Ball 0-2 Chorby Short? Subtraxon Buckley? That’s who we’re leaning on now? Who the Hall is Scoobert Toast???

Well, time to trade for PolkaDot Patterson, I guess, that’s always worked for us in the past. (ed: they’re still in the black hole too)

–Nix

Baltimore Crabs

In Hades it rains type AB-minus
And the blood drops evaporate before they hit the ground
Chesapeake blue crabs by the water here
Trouble in town

I feel like I’m gonna drown down here
It’s all coming down down here

Hurricanes in from Miami
Tore up the neighborhood
A telegram from Philadelphia
And the news is not good

And I don’t speak the language down here
It’s all coming down down here

Parker MacMillan is my name
Baltimore is my station
Heaven is my resting place
God is my salvation

-glumbaron (with apologies to John Darnielle)

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

I want to turn the ILB into a great city of jazz. At eventide the Breckenridge Transit Authority will transport my family and guests to and from the jam sessions held every night at the foot of The Tower which looms over the heart of our fair city, unseen by all save those cursed to play beneath its gaze, and the Commissioner will show up at the door and they will say, “Sir, I’ve had reports you’ve turned the ILB into a great city of jazz. You realize this is illegal in the Immaterial Plane.” And I will laugh–chortle, really–as I invite them to sit with me on my balcony overlooking the vast diamond-shaped Breckenridge Community Theater and Ballfield, which once contained the power of the mighty Lowe Forbes, and around which Sklimbalshank’s Hype Train frantically whirls. On that day, I think we will briefly glance not one but two Yams peeking out at us from the darkest depths of The Pit, their eyes promising glorious unfathomable possibilities. “Parker,” I will say, “do not think it rude of me, please, but might I question the logic of rendering illegal the turning of the ILB into a great city of jazz in, of all places, the Immaterial Plane? Where else might you place such a great city–whose venues, I could add, teem with musicians from the furthest corners of the known world, and which even in the leanest siestayears boasts a population of nearly ten thousand percussionists–but do tell me, Commissioner, what might be a better place other than here, the Immaterial Plane, to host all that, not to mention our terrifying Loge stadium, The Pocket, which houses many hundreds of doots and crimes, and is where the Breckenridge Slide-Trombone Bolter itself is said to stalk with its endless collection of instruments midst the towering mountains of Colorado? Might you think these matters of tunes, too, are inappropriate for Internet League Blaseball?” This I will ask the Commissioner as my servants, fifty-eight jort-bedecked Pit Cats, each as beautiful and terrible as the dawn, step forward to draw back gazing agate chairs arranged around a purple-and-yellow marble longtable bedecked with my finest aspics. And while my groovemasters play The Lick below us, their notes only just masking the smashing of fluorescent light bulbs in the parking lot behind the 9/25 , their shadows rippling across the everfalling snow within The Pocket, the Commissioner will take the proffered seat and kindly accept the light delicacies of Leg Ring Egg Ring with Gamer Sauce and S’Morby Chort, oblivious to the fact that these are deadly necromantic agents to which I, of course, am quite immune, having built up a great tolerance to and even a certain… reliance upon them in the pursuit of my musicks, as I sought and succeeded to turn the ILB into a great city of jazz.

(based on this brilliant cohost post by Michael Lutz)

–deafhobbit

Boston Flowers

It takes a certain amount of Hubris to rank teams without any semblance of how good a player is or what stats they have. I am here to give you that level of Hubris. The Boston Flowers are the #1 team to beat.

The Fall has shaken up the league in fun and interesting ways. The Simulation deemed it wise to give Flowers they haven’t had in a long time: Flowers.

Zach Sanders (former Sunbeam), a fan-canon sunflower person, joins Javier Lotus as the two flower-related players Falling to the Flowers. That is fun poetry right there.

From Bugsnax to Keyes to Margarito Nava, other teams in the newly Fallen League are seeded with plenty of former Flowers. They are poised to face a lot of friendly competition and players who have plenty of experience in breaking their team’s hearts.

The Boston Flowers were also blessed with something that they seldom had in previous seasons: star power.

As mentioned before, not actual Star Power since we don’t know actual stats yet. I mean name recognition. They, of course, have league stalwarts like Kelvin Drumsolo (known for their 3 RBI Triple where all four players involved on offense were Kelvin Drumsolos) and Randy Dennis to help keep the Flowers in the know and their fans excited. They have also called one of the most famous players in ILB History: Jessica Telephone.

Like a Kelvin Drumsolo at-bat, I will repeat: the Boston Flowers have Jessica Telephone.

If you asked any Blaseball fan to pick a single player to represent all of Blaseball, you would be hard pressed to find someone who does not dial up Telephone for that honor.

Actual flowers. A league overgrown with friendly players. Jessica Telephone.

We’re the Flowers. And we’re going to be Good.

–Joey T Badger

Good

Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams

No Hubris Edition:
The Sunbeams are a team that will play blaseball and will win a number of games that may or may not be represented by an integer.

Hubris Edition:
WOAH. HAVE YOU SEEN THESE NEW BEAMS? Look at these unsung heroes. Cory Ross. Eugenia Garbage. London Simmons. Cravel Gesundheit. Grollis Zephyr. Dunn Keyes. In my DIRECT ESTIMATION, The Sunbeams will, as always, only be stoppable by themselves (and the Crabs).

–Panda

Miami Dale

What an Incredible Fall it has been for the Dale! From old friends of the Dale like Dunlap Figueroa, Richmond Harrison and Sixpack Santiago, to new friends to the Dale like Edric Tosser, Joe Vorhees and Malik Romayne, it truly has not been a better time to be a Dale Fan. Using Historical Data, compared to all Blaseball Teams, we have the highest Star total, as well as the most plate appearances.

Although, within our Dale Nightlife community with Great numbers, comes Great nerves as the Dale are concerned with these legacy high numbers that maybe more bad things might happen to us. But then again, we are unsure about the future of Stats and Numbers, but no matter how the numbers fall, the vibes will be immaculate, and the Dale will at least be winners, within our own mind and community. And besides, nothing ever bad happens to the Florida team….

Dale!

–“Scary” Gary

Hawai’i Fridays

Fresh off their kickflip into the Black Hole, the Fridays have proven themselves as a team that will not only stare oblivion in the face, but will welcome oblivion into their home, maybe hang out with oblivion a bit, if oblivion is free? Blaseball’s premium vibe experts love to go with the flow, and their Fans are eagerly awaiting the chaos of live play. While preeminent ex-Tacos workhorse Sexton Wheerer is perhaps the most notable Fall Ball drop, many good vibes surround the return of Elijah Valenzuela, the unsung heart and soul of the early Discipline Era Fridays.

The division shakeup has separated the Fridays from their friends in the Shoe Thieves and from their sisters in the Crabs, but has brought in fresh faces in the Garages, Wings, Worms, and Lift. Most importantly, Friday Night Magic lives on in the Chaotic Evil division, as Hawaii and Yellowstone continue one of Blaseball’s most storied traditions. Overall, our experts foresee good vibes in the Fridays’ future.

-Traci J

Charleston Shoe Thieves

As far as total stats go, the Charleston Shoe Thieves are solid, being ranked 10/24 in total stars. The standout players include “best batting season by OPS”-haver Alexandria Rosales, as well as fan favorites “Hot” Fish Summer and Kathy Mathews, but the player with the most stars is grind rail legend and former Thief Oliver Loofah. But these are all players who excelled at batting. As for pitching… Charleston has 3 players with below 2 stars pitching. Ankle Halifax is not one of them. Of course, maybe the stars won’t even matter.

-May C.

Ohio Worms

Well, it’s a good thing that Worms are already flat, and that we already play in a Wormhole … because at the end of Fall Ball, The World’s Largest Horse really left a big ol’ crater in Ohio. Y’all should have seen the look on NaN’s face as the shadow loomed larger and larger; dude was ready to Flicker outta here faster than they ever have before. I joke, we joke in Ohio. We also hope to do something that’s only been teased in the previous eras of baseball: “pitch like our hair is on fire”¹. If the roster shakes out optimally, the Worms rotation should be great. (Stop yelling “HUBRIS!” at me. It’s hard to concentrate when you do that!) But we’re looking at the rest of these players and wondering … who’s gonna actually get the HITS? Maybe one of our four Rookies will step up?

¹ Actual quote from actual real life baseball player Mitch Williams. We like to think Mitch would have done well in the ILB.

–Ifh-biff

The Worms are looking pretty average —distant neighing sound — well, maybe below average with all these newbies — hoofbeats growing louder — so I wouldn’t expect too much, unless our final Fall is, like, Winnie Hess or someth — loud SPLAT sound — as I was saying, I predict the Worms to be top contenders immediately.

-Patronus

Yellowstone Magic

Everything and everyone has Fallen Into Place- especially so for the Magic. Between the former Shoe Thieves, Breath Mints and Crabs Alumni they got, and a few hungry lil’ guys that never had the chance to shine in the first place, the newly returned Yellowstone Magic has been reimagined into a fascinating mélange of old and new and never-before-seen, taking great inspiration from their Mild Low Colleagues. Most providential of all, Inky Rutledge, after an adventure across the League, has returned. Did you know he pitched the first no-hitter in blaseball history? And then the second? That’s canon, baby. It’s a sign of Good things in the Chaotic Evil division for Yellowstone.

Much like Lord of the Flies, Magic is a team of starving British teenaged boys, except much better at camping and with no inheritance. They’ve pitched tents atop the cliffs overlooking the vast and wild forests, under a molten amber sun. They’ve come from different groups, from different regions, some from different walks of life entirely – but all of them British. They will fight, and argue. Maybe eat each other. But they will forge bonds that will stand the test of time. Some will be driven mad, isolated from civilization. Some are mad to begin with; They speak in tongues, calling eldritch things whose entire being breathed like the surge of a solar corona.

No one answers, of course. The cell service out here is terrible. But that will only bring them closer together.

They will tell tales around campfires in the evening, and at night, dream daring dreams where regrets turn to triumphs, their legacies are well and truly immortal, and they will live forever as kings and queens of a wilderness they can shape into anything they desire. Alas, in the waking world they have no crowns, no scepters; So instead, they shall weave friendship bracelets of flaxen gold and silver bead – and they will be all the more powerful for it.

On the eve of the new Era, I declare that Magic has been, is, and always shall be, ‘goo’.

Now, foolish and arrogant blaseball historians and statisticians may look at the Chaotic Evil’s track record and click their tongue. Two Overchampionships and one Under between all six, a track record of being ever hungry, and never sated- Rarely performatively the Best, and when we were, rarely the Champions. But just like a New Years resolution, the Magic can safely declare – NEW ERA, NEW ME. To hell with expectations. I believe in the Yellowstone Magic. They’re going to be Champions. With the power of friendship, there’s no way they can lose. Friendship is Magic, baby.

Wait. What do you mean we might not have 0 No Blood?

–Nate

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The post Preseason Power Rankings: Maximum Hubris Edition appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

You can read the previous entries of this series here: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

This is the top 10! Let’s Beam on down to Beamtown!

10. Randall Marijuana
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 7, KS: 9, OG: 10, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 10

The player with the shortest career in the top 10, Randall Marijuana was probably the most plot-important Sunbeam of all time. An instant fan favorite due to their skill and funny weed name, Randy easily charmed every early Beams fan. It was devastating when Randy feedbacked to the Jazz Hands, and even more devastating when they died there 40 short days later.

But the Sunbeams loss is the league’s gain, as Randall was an integral part of The Hall Stars team that defeated The Shelled One.

Randy’s place in lore is cemented as being part of the Precognition Trio, and we will always be sad about what happened, but we currently think Randy and Emmett are driving around in a van and just having a good time, and honestly that’s probably one of the best fates of any player in the league.

9. Sutton Bishop
Seasons: 9, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 9, KS: 7, OG: 5, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 9

The Goose.

The only player in the top 10 that didn’t start on the Sunbeams in Season 1, Sutton Bishop is distilled, pure chaos. It’s hard to entirely describe what Sutton is, or what it means to the Sunbeams, but consider the following:

– First player incinerated in Extra Innings (Incinerated S12D98. The next pitch after its incineration would end the game. Combs Estes had already died in the game.)
– Shortest time from Death to Haunting (Haunted S12D99).
– Most Valuable Ghost (By all metrics, no ghost produced as much haunt value as Sutton Bishop).
– Gained MVP a full 11 seasons after death.
– Broke out of the Hall to play for the Rising Stars.
– Stolen by the Vault Legends.
– Immediately broke out of the Vault to play for the Boston Flowers.

Sutton is the only player to escape both the Hall and the Vault. Soon it will escape the Black Hole. Nowhere is safe from the goose.

8. Lars Taylor
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 4

If this list weren’t scientific, Lars might have taken the top spot. But there’s enough science here to unfortunately relegate Lars to the 8th slot. Lovingly, Lars is a dork, and thus scores a low score on ability and radicalness, and a relatively low tragedy score cements stars place here.

But Lars means SO MUCH to the Sunbeams, and that can’t be overstated. Starting out with No Stars, becoming Lone Star Lars (thrusting the Sunbeams into a cowboy phase), leading the Sunbeams to the Season 11 championship, and having an absolutely bonkers Season 14 (look it up if you don’t believe me). These are just some of the reasons we love Lars, and always will love Lars.

7. Nerd Pacheco
Seasons: 12, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 8, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 10

Have you ever heard the tragedy of Nerd Pacheco the anxious?

I thought not. It’s not a story the Crabs would tell you. It’s a Pies legend. Nerd Pacheco… was a Blaseball Player of the Beams so powerful and so wise, they could use the Peanuts to create batting power. They had such a knowledge of the Nut Side, they could even keep the ones they cared about… from shelling.

They became so powerful, the only thing they were afraid of was… being Shelled themself. Which, eventually, of course, they were, by their apprentice Peanut Bong. Then, a superallergy obliterated them on the mound.

Ironic. They could save others from disaster, but not themself.

6. Igneus Delacruz
Seasons: 17, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 5, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 9

Igneus Delacruz may not have been the strongest player on the team, but towards the end of the Discipline Era, Iggy was putting up numbers far beyond his stars. Iggy was one of the Beams 2 Alternates in Season 4 (other to come soon), and was often seen around the Hellmouth with best friends Zack Sanders and Miguel James. Tragically, Iggy died, and even more tragically, died in Ohio.

Often depicted as a blue flame elemental, maybe that’s our fault, as blue flame is hotter than orange, and the flame that burns brighter burns out faster as well. Igneus was a core member of the Season 11 team, a player who surpassed their limitations repeatedly, and gave a lot to the lore of the team and the people around them.

5. Zack Sanders
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 7, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 7

So, if you have been keeping a running tally, you will realize that this means that 4 of the Beams OG pitchers are in the top 5. This might seem weird to you, as Sunbeams pitching is bad, and one of the categories here is Ability. Well, guess what. Sunbeams pitching isn’t as bad as you think it is, but our defense is worse than you think it is, so Sunbeams pitchers remain okay at the game and unestimable, which Beam Science has deemed important.

First up is Zack Sanders. A sturdy hellmouthyness score coming from a desert sunflower/sunflower beast motif, Zack is a spectacular example of the Sunbeams motto of “Stare into the Sun”. Zack’s only tenure away from the team was a single season spent in Philadelphia, after which she was promptly returned to her home. In the new era of Blaseball, we look forward to seeing Zack continue to grow in the Garden of the Boston Flowers, continuing to throw rocks on the mound.

4. Miguel James
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 5

Miguel James was the last player on the Sunbeams to move from their original position, and they took over 22 seasons before their first stint in the shadows. Miguel’s scores are bolstered by a radicalness of 10, which comes not from her ability to perform radical moves and feats, but the sheer tenacity to consider every performance radical regardless of how hard the faceplant they took was.

In the time that this reporter has been writing this article, we’ve discussed Miguel James a lot, especially in the Hall of Fame case, and Miguel James truly was better than you think. A workhorse for longer than almost any other pitcher in the ILB, Miguel James continues to bring an unrelenting positivity and a bright fashion sense to the Hellmouth in all times, and we’re all better off for having her with us.

3. Eugenia Bickle
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 7

Eugenia Bickle was the Sunbeams first real attempt at a multi-season plan. Things like Capri Sunset, Super Nava, Gatecrash Groundout Gooseboss, and Trebuchets would not have been possible if not for Bickle Batter. Pivoting Jayden Wright into the lineup and Sigmund Castillo into the shadows, Eugenia Bickle’s move to the lineup may be one of the deepest reverberating events for the Sunbeams, a success in every single aspect.

Bickle herself well promotes the values of the Hellmouth, being intermittently both a slugtaur and an orc, depending on the lore, but also spends her time cultivating some of the many cursed Hellmouth plants in her greenhouses.

If Miguel represents the Sunbeams staunch commitment to tradition, Bickle represents the team’s force of will and ability to get things done.

2. Sandoval Crossing
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 10

And if it wasn’t going to be Lars at number 1, it had to be one of these two. Sandoval Crossing misses out on the top slot mostly by being a dad, and as such, suffering the standard dad penalty to Radicalness. Sandoval started out as a star, competing in the upper echelons of pitching alongside early Discipline favorites like Polkadot and Axel, but sadly started to fall behind as the years and seasons went on. Still capable of burst of greatness, a crippling peanut addiction would eventually lead to a truly unestimable career.

What drove her to a life of peanuts? Well, probably the deaths of in-lore husbands Velasquez and Rhys, in-lore surrogate son Randy, and in-lore roommate Sutton Bishop.

That’s a lot of Tragedy to put on an old man who just wanted to play Blaseball-Tennis with a stop sign.

1. Nagomi Nava
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 10, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 10, Tragedy: 10

There truly is too much to say about Nagomi Nava. A KS score of only 7 along with some stints in the shadows are the only things keeping the Sunbeams Slugger from a perfect SHARKOUT score. To know Nagomi Nava is to truly know the Sunbeams, our team, our lore, our history, our vibes, everything.

Nagomi Nava was the survivor of the Precognition Trio. She befriended an eldritch horror and got it to chill out and live in her face. She personified the Beams strategy of walking, and even in the Ruth Era when no pitchers were throwing balls, Nagomi was still rocking dingers out of the park. She hit a 2 run home run against the Vault Legends, which was a more-than-decent chunk of the team’s offense.

Nagomi is truly one of the most unique talents in the league, and often overlooked for flashier players leaguewide, but if I were putting a team together, Nagomi Nava would be right near the top of my list every time.

And that’s the list. This is the world that Science has wrought. I’ve barely scratched the surface on these Beams though, and there’s mountains of stories about each and every one of them, and we’re always happy to share them with anyone willing to listen.

As the new era of Blaseball approaches, we have already watched some of these players fall to other teams, on which we can’t wait to see what they do, but a new class of Sunbeam is falling as well, and the Utahan desert has never looked brighter.

No matter what the Sun is, or who Stares into it, it unites us all.

See you in January.

–PandaSunbeams

The post SHARK OUT 4 – The Bream of the Brop appeared first on Blaseball News Network.