Atlantis Georgias

The Georgias Hubris Cycle reached cataclysmic heights this season as we went from a record-breaking 113 wins and a nice 69% win rate in the main season to being viciously swept out of the postseason in our first round. So what went wrong?

The Georgias were abuzz right from the start as we were projected to be the strongest team this season, due to a very solid pitching rotation and a great defence to back it up. However our offence was comparatively mediocre, despite a few star players in the form of fan-favourite 80s horror protagonist Penelope Video, deep-sea rave DJ Hyena Dropper, and Gianna Schenn who became our best hitter thanks to an incredible Yummy reaction only to be stranded at the end of our Lineup by a Reverb.

By the end of the main season we had given up fewer runs than any other team, but were only tenth in total runs scored. This reliance on defence gave us a lot of close games, and while the length of the main season ensured it averaged out in our favour, for the postseason it left us easily at risk of being eliminated by a few bad games.

And what a few bad games they were. With the rise in overall league offence from the midseason Elections, combined with the Georgias failing to secure any Squid Gifts or Blood Jams and choking in both of our Prize Matches, it was probably inevitable that our initial advantage would wear off. Things went even more disastrously in the second game against the Shoe Thieves when a massive blizzard froze the weaker half of the Shoe Thieves’ Lineup, leaving us facing an absolutely deadly array of batters, including former Georgia Babka McCoy, who was Feedbacked for Lorcan Griffey earlier in the season.

-Jangalian (Jangalian#7646 on Discord)

Charleston Shoe Thieves

This Circuit we’re highlighting (but not Charging) Zora Kramer, a garbage pitcher whose fighting spirit inspired us all.

Our playoff series versus the Wild Wings showed the depth of Zora’s grit. They pitched first, eager to give us a win, and immediately gave up a 2-run homer. We lost that game 19–6, and Zora squatted on the mound, disappointed. They tried, but the rest of the Rotation would have to carry us.

But in the third game, a winter storm Froze two subsequent pitchers, and Zora was called back from the bullpen! A second chance. Zora took a breath, concentrated. A hardened gaze through the snowstorm.

The Wings scored 7 runs that inning. Final score: 25–3. Zora was in anguish. Had they not tried hard enough? They looked inward as we looked to the next game and to Hartley Pebble, who had already given us a win this series.

But wait— who’s that walking to the mound? It’s Zora! They begged for one last chance to give their team a win, and who could say no to that hunger, that drive? So, in defiance of all reason, bottom-of-the-league Zora Kramer took the mound for the third time in a five-game series.

Each pitch was a herculean effort. Visibly straining, Zora held the Wings to one run for an unthinkable six innings. We watched in disbelief as they tore themselves apart to keep us in this series. By the seventh inning, they were spent, but never stopped fighting. The Wings won, but only by two runs.

Zora’s heart was broken, but ours were full of pride. They left it all on the mound, and what more could you ask of a player? We didn’t charge Zora Kramer, but don’t let that fool you. Zora will be with us forever, in heart and sole.

-Jeremy T (APieceOfWorkAmI#8349)

Chicago Firefighters 

Well, if nothing else, the Chicago Firefighters had another interesting Circuit. 

Let’s start from the beginning: when the teams were first revealed, we appeared to have a pretty standard Firefighters team. Average at best with some half decent batters, bad pitching, okay defense, and far more peanut allergies than not. It seemed as though we would be headed for the Fiesta, if we were lucky.

That did not happen.

Less than 40 games into the season, the Firefighters experienced a Night Shift for the thirdCircuit in a row, bringing out Owen Turbo, who would end up being the best pitcher in the League (and despite Feedbacking to the Spies, would only lose two games the entire season), inevitably helping the team narrowly miss the Fiesta. 

That’s not where the weather stopped, though. The team had three Feedbacks over the course of the season: a shockingly mutually beneficial early one with the Crabs, the aforementioned Turbo feedback for Cher Kumar of the Spies (which took a day to go through because of “features”), and a late season batter swap with the Garages. With the Firefighters only having two non-Allergic players, it was no surprise when fan favourite Tube Nebula got decimated by a Peanut (and was equally not shocking when they became our Guest of Honor). Most notably, however, was Craig Faucet getting incinerated and proceeding to play another 10 games afterwards, who despite our best efforts— was not even charged for their troubles.

The thing is, none of these things stopped the Firefighters. Despite winning no Blessings or items, being bombarded with weather, and using their only boosts to salvage a hurt player, they managed to claw their way to third seed, claiming fifth in the league despite all odds. And more than anything, I think that’s the story of the Firefighters this Circuit and beyond; the ability to make something out of nothing.

–Stara

Hellmouth Sunbeams

The Hellmouth Sunbeam entered this Short Circuit right where they wanted to be– bound for the .500 line. Sure, in a season with parties for the worst teams and Playoffs for the best, that had downsides, but the Beams knew what they were about… and then they tanked their way into the midseason fiesta badly enough to get into round one and they were ready to Party their way to the top! And then… they didn’t. One game in EPT, a bit of timeline shenanigans, and the fiesta ended with the Beams better than before but not playoffs material. But not for long!

Because then the Beams claimed (one of) the Title Belt(s) and Royce Spider decided to sit on it, the universe decided that that was Royce’s. And then… the belt got taken. But not for long! Because then the Beams got the only Wild Card slot! They were in the Playoffs! They were going for the championship! And then… they got kicked out round one. And all this happened in a bog-theatre-gothic horror-small town with a chandelier containing the last shards of a dead sun. And their final record was 82-80.

There were icons, like Sun Paladin Amanda Rowdy, or incineration replacement Calvin Revenant, or Samuel ‘Slamuel’ Finnegan, but there was one real hero. Julian Greene had plenty going for them. An early standout on the starting roster, Julian entered the world with 3.9 batting stars. They’d have a top 10 OPS+ (ignoring all the undead invaders from another universe) and a taste for snacking on snow which would bring them to nearly 5 batting stars over the course of the season (before dragging them back to a measly 4.5). But who cares about that? Pregame Ritual Charging? Let’s gooooooooooooo!

-Nix

San Francisco Lovers

It was a beat-down for the Lovers this circuit, trying their best to sell their angle to no avail. The team narrowly slid their way into the midseason Fiesta, missing out on all the action before it could even begin. According to insider sources, a feud between the Lovers and the Mexico City Wild Wings started to get hot after headliner Fontaine Teacup Feedbacked with Liv Chan, but the show was not over for this B-Team yet.

The Lovers held to their wills, and held up their pants holding onto one of the… two title belts until right before the Postseason. When Parker declared reunification, it was a headliner match against Miami. It was a clean finish with the Lovers on the mat. Miami went on into the post season, leaving the Lovers to nurse their aches & bruises.

Eliot Heartfield was sent up into the Mic with the hope that they wouldn’t be destined to become just another Jannetty, but the fate of our Charged players is a story line for another era. All in all, these Lovers couldn’t keep the gold, but that didn’t mean this season wasn’t a popcorn match. With the circuits over and the next era in limbo, maybe this team can get on after all.

-Avery M. (Ackasi#9049 on Discord)

Mexico City Wild Wings

The Mexico City Wild Wings were good this Short Circuit. This was very confusing for a lot of long term Wings fans, because the Wings have never been good. Even when they won their Championship, they came from fourth in the conference. Even when Burke Gonzales was one of the best pitchers in the League they were barely a 0.500 team. So 99 wins and a trip to the Championship, even if it was to lose to The Breath Mints. (a fine, deserving winner) was the sort of inexplicable thing that tested the very boundaries of the game’s capabilities to handle, and was thus appropriate for a Short Circuit.

The “why” of the Wings being good is actually very easy to explain. They hit the ball a lot (1468, first in the League), hit it the furthest (SLG 0.501, first) and thus scored the most runs (975, first). Such was the ferocious offensive output that meant it almost didn’t matter that Tobias Diallo and Mitch Pink forgot where the strike zone was for innings at a time (third and fourth in walks league wide, respectively).

The continual high performance of Soledad Drama, Nova Bye, Alonso Clement, and Lillian McKinley (a 98% consensus pick to charge the microphone) led to the most improbable Wings team to ever exist, a rollicking riotous ball of fun that wasn’t constrained by the Wings of seasons past, and featured such fantastic names as Genesis Toad and Slow McDonald.

Will the Wings be this good again? Probably not. But it won’t matter. The one time we were good was fun, and underdog stories are also fun, and maybe one day we’ll get to see Lillian hit a ball a long way again. Which will be fun.

-BNN Wild Wings correspondent Spludge

Philly Pies

The Pies have traditionally been very good at Elections, so the Front Office started this Short Circuit by enacting a Faustian Pact to have more Elections than we knew what to do with. However, the Front Office failed to read this diabolical document closely enough, missing the footnote where it said anything the Pies elect either wouldn’t matter or wouldn’t actually ever be received by the team.

The mood in the Pies locker room was high despite all this; the team partied hard in the Mid-Season Fiesta, culminating in Nadia Outlaw proclaiming, “I’m never leaving Philly!” and chaining themselves to the radiator. This served to deny the Microphone’s later Feedback attempt, leaving the Wild Wings’ Slow McDonald standing outside the clubhouse.

Kristi Finnegan and Wolf Buss carried the team’s rotation post-parties, and things seemed to be up for the Pies in the second half of the season, until Seyyid Goodhart ate a Peanut and went from one of the worst pitchers in the ILB to the absolute worst in franchise history across all dimensions, proving that you don’t need to be Superallegic to ruin your pitching career.

Although Kid Darling had been sent to party early in hopes the additional training would prime them for Charging the Microphone at season’s end, by the time it was clear the Pies’ playoff hopes were dashed, it became equally clear that Kid’s performance was a disappointment, failing to meet any expectations whatsoever. Seeing this underwhelming lateseason play, the Pies elected to send grizzled power hitter, Ariana Beard in their place.

The Pies have been thoroughly undercooked in the last few circuits; they can only hope the long siesta will give them enough time in the oven to emerge crisp, hot, fresh, and ready by the time Blaseball returns.

-Ads (wilcxck#8979 on Discord)

Seattle Garages

At the start of this Circuit, the Garages were bad. The team was cursed with the highest Patheticism in the League by a mile, such that even making contact with the ball was a miracle. No player exemplified this like Dimi Wobbler, who generated as the worst of the worst, a dismal 0.6 stars. Seeing the writing on the wall, the Garages sighed, laughed (because you have to laugh) and awaited the Party Time they knew was coming.

Then, on Day 3, Dimi Wobbler hit a solo home run to shame the Breath Mints, who would go on to win the Championship. It was their first hit.

Dimi “Warbler” Wobbler, a tiny bird with incredible vibes and very little skill, was on a quest to prove that a positive attitude can overcome any statistical shortcomings. On Day 42, the Garages experienced a full-team Reverb. Instead of the worst batting in the League, they now had the worst pitching. Dimi moved four spots higher in the Lineup. They continued to be bad at Blaseball.

As the Garages’ Guest of Honor, Dimi partied three times and got better. Then Dimi partied again during a game. Suddenly, the silly little bird with excellent vibes had three batting stars. Dimi’s name started to pop up in scoring events more… and more… and more. Despite spending the first half of the season struggling to get on base, they ended with the second-most hits and stolen bases.

All season, the other Garages suffered under the Weather. Reverb decimated the rotation. Their best batter got incinerated; two more Feedbacked away. An already-terrible pitcher had an allergic reaction right after their final game. Dimi just hit the ball some more.

That’s the power of a positive attitude.

– crab

Tokyo Lift

The pitchers were idols, the hitters were yuru-chara mascots and the fans were feeling an unfamiliar tingle of… hope?

Tokyo rolled a strong team. Almost from the start the Lift were chasing a Playoff spot. They couldn’t keep pace with the Ballad-leading Wild Wings, that was clear early on, but the batting of Pop Tomorrah and some creditable pitching meant a winning record at Midseason and third place in Downtempo. Precisely none of this was thanks to Herb Swamp.

Idol performer Art Dembélé was a strikeout machine with Ruthlessness the way a sea has wet. Baffled cruise-ship tourist Seth Bitters was a sexagenarian workhorse with decent ERA but never the wins to show for it. Even Omar “Give Us” Nothing had fans. Herb Swamp, meanwhile, was a firebombed storefront of a player with one-third of a pitching star, Forbidden Knowledge that was painful to read, and not even a tragic backstory to lean on.

But the Tokyo Lift are all about gains. Rather than build an already solid performer into a titan the fans hailed Swamp as their Guest of Honour. Three parties revealed a promising hitter, if still a pitcher for whom mediocrity was but a distant dream.

A Yummy reaction late in the season changed that. Post-Peanut Herb was a monster in every department, bar their day job, and perfectly serviceable there. It wasn’t enough to save the campaign, the Lift having lost all momentum after back-to-back sweeps by the Shoe Thieves and Wings, but joyful fans now coalesced around Swamp as the little kappa that could. And, in some universe, she still might.

Wait, is that hope again?

-elmonstro (elmonstro#6813)

And a final note – BNN relies on reports from readers like you to fill out articles! If you’d like to contribute something in the future, head on over to our discord!

The post The Last Dance: Short Circuit 3 Downtempo Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

For many early Blaseball fans, including myself, the name Jaylen Hotdogfingers was our first glimpse into the immaterial plane. I was introduced to Blaseball through a Twitter screenshot of the Season 1 Election results, signed up for an account that night, joined the Discord the next, and was hooked.

Even by the end of Season 2, most Blaseball fans never saw Jaylen pitch a game. But “star player” was no understatement; official league stat sheets, discovered many seasons later by the Society for Internet Blaseball Research, indicate that they pitched the first perfect game in ILB history. And until Hotdogfingers’ first Enhanced Party Time stat change toward the end of Season 13, they retained their originally-generated stars from all the way back in Season 1. Those stars gave them a 2.75 ERA in Season 1, and a post-necromancy 3.01 ERA from Seasons 7 through 13.

Their perfect game and ERA don’t matter and never did. They could be a 5-star or half-star pitcher. Jaylen’s impact to the league isn’t measured in strikeouts or walks: it’s measured in players laid waste by overactive umpires, a dozen mid-game pitcher swaps, and the end of an Era.

[IF WILL PASSES AS PLANNED] The Seattle Garages fanbase, through the league’s formal group decision-making process, have decided to close the book on Jaylen Hotdogfingers. Jaylen is one of Seattle’s strongest pitchers, but the Garages chose to end their Fliickerrriiing wanderer’s chaos on pitching rotations across the league and write a formal end to the most chaotic career in Blaseball.

[IN EVENT OF JAYLEN REMAINING ACTIVE] Jaylen has played for eleven teams so far, and the Garages’ plan to Foreshadow Jaylen Hotdogfingers has failed to pass. While Jaylen remains one of Seattle’s strongest pitchers, they won’t remain for long; Jaylen pitching under Feedback weather is incredibly likely to introduce a new pitcher to Seattle’s rotation. For now though, Jaylen is home, and we close the book on one era of the Jaylen Hotdogfingers World Tour and begin writing the next.

[IN EVENT OF REVOKING JAYLEN] While the Seattle Garages fanbase decided to Foreshadow Jaylen Hotdogfingers and close the book on the most chaotic career in Blaseball, that Will failed to pass, and instead the Garages have Revoked Hotdogfingers, sending them to a new team to begin the second leg of their world tour.

[IN EVENT OF FORESHADOW FOLLOWED BY PLUNDER, LEAVING JAYLEN ACTIVE] The Seattle Garages fanbase, through the league’s formal group decision-making process, have decided to close the book on Jaylen Hotdogfingers. The rest of the league, through the same decision-making process, have decided that Jaylen must continue their world tour, closing one chapter on the most chaotic career in Blaseball and opening another.

[IN EVENT OF TRADE WITH DECEASED SUTTON PICKLESTEIN] The league has, again, somehow managed to trade a perfectly alive Jaylen Hotdogfingers for a deceased player. While the Garages hoped to close the book on Hotdogfingers’ chaotic career, Jaylen instead became the first player to die three times, and Sutton Picklestein became the third player to return from the Void.

[IN EVENT JAYLEN HOTDOGFINGERS IS TRUSTED WITH FLIPPERS, TRADED TO ANOTHER TEAM, AND TRUSTED WITH FLIPPERS AGAIN DUE TO A GAME BUG] It is impossible to say exactly what the league had in mind in today’s election, but the Garages’ plan to shadow Jaylen Hotdogfingers has thoroughly failed, as Jaylen triggered a bug in the Election that resulted in them having a redundant set of flippers and entering the pitching rotation of [INSERT TEAM NAME]. With the first chapter of the most chaotic career in Blaseball coming to a close, we enter a new era of the Jaylen Hotdogfingers World Tour.

[IN EVENT OF JAYLEN TRADE WITH TILLMAN HENDERSON] In another highly-chaotic election, history repeats itself: Jaylen Hotdogfingers is inexplicably traded for Tillman Henderson for the second time in ILB history. This time, however, Jaylen remains alive; as the Garages attempted to close the book on the most chaotic career in Blaseball, the next chapter begins with the Charleston Shoe Thieves.

[IN EVENT OF JAYLEN TRADE WITH DECEASED SUTTON PICKLESTEIN, FOLLOWED BY SHADOWING, FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER, SECOND TRADE FOR SUTTON PICKLESTEIN] Note to editor: just cancel this article I guess

Necromancy and debt

Many know the story by now: the Forbidden Book opens, 4-star pitcher Jaylen is incinerated, a wrathful floating peanut god is upset by Blaseball fans obtaining negative infinity peanuts, and the fans decide they don’t like the god after discovering (but not learning) that actions have consequences. The league introduces idolatry, and the fans proceed to learn via Boston pitcher Caligula Lotus’s incineration that dead players can remain and become idolized. Five minutes after hearing of this, SIBR researchers produce the player page for Jaylen Hotdogfingers, and one hour later, Jaylen finds their way to the idol board following an experiment by Moist Talkers fans.

The plan to resurrect Jaylen Hotdogfingers quickly caught on across the league. Garages fans were initially hesitant as others pushed league-wide propaganda to implement the plan. The idols board rapidly shifted up until the Season 6 Election, when the results revealed: Jaylen Hotdogfingers Returns.

It’s important to reflect on what could have gone “wrong” here. Blaseball.com slowed significantly as the clock got closer and closer to the top of the hour; plenty of fans had switched idols not realizing Jaylen shifted into the right spot fractions of a second prior. And while the league overall was shooting for Jaylen to return home to Seattle, the relatively high-for-a-blessing 58% of the vote means there was still a 42% chance Jaylen returned to another team, perhaps any team. But despite the odds, the “right” thing happened. Jaylen returned to Seattle, but not without the ire of the Shelled One.

The ledger must be balanced, and debts paid; Jaylen returns with “Debt”, and for the first time in Blaseball, a pitcher hits a batter with a pitch. The hit batter becomes Unstable as we spend what seems like an eternity wondering what that means.

And suddenly, the fans learn very quickly what Unstable does. Jaylen’s first Debt was collected on Season 7, Day 32, when an umpire incinerated Moody Cookbook; four more players died in that game and the next, an event fans call Ruby Tuesday. Cookbook’s instability chained to Elijah Bates, who umpires incinerated next. By the end of the season, 12 players became incinerated as payment.

Under mysterious terms, the Microphone refinances Jaylen’s debt, and their beanballs leave players Flickering, making them more susceptible to Feedback’s reality flickers and swapping teams. Microphone icons make their way to the idol board, and fans manipulate Jaylen to one of the icons, making them permanently flickering.

The tour begins, and Jaylen dies again

Having seen the league reshaped by Feedback, fans braced themselves for additional swaps. Jaylen first swapped for the Pies’ Betsy Trombone, then found their way back to the Garages fourteen days later. After briefly swapping to the Moist Talkers, Jaylen stayed put on the Charleston Shoe Thieves, who with Jaylen reverse-swept the two-time Internet Series winning Baltimore Crabs, upsetting what was a likely ascension run. The Shelled One descended and thoroughly whooped Charleston’s butts; Jaylen, of all players, ended up pitching against the Shelled One’s Pods, and was cursed along with the rest of the team upon their defeat.

With no Feedback weather in Season 10, Jaylen remained on the Shoe Thieves for the regular season. A rogue umpire incinerated Baltimore Crabs pitcher Tillman Henderson mid-way through the season, and the Crabs attempted to murder Tillman Henderson a second time.

The Crabs experiment led to an important clue on the idol board that season, and as usual, a plan was hatched: get six players to the six weather icons, with Tillman Henderson assigned position 15. A microphone labeled position 14, and the plan settled on putting them there, for lack of a better idea.

As the dust settled around the idol board, fans realized that Jaylen Hotdogfingers had died again, and Tillman Henderson returned from the dead. Position 14 on both the idol board and the Hall of Flame swapped, and Jaylen found themself in the Hall, now Fliickerrriiing, with the same tribute that Tillman had.

The Shelled One descended again and thoroughly whooped Baltimore’s butts, only to be greeted by the top fourteen players in the Hall of Flame playing as the Hall Stars, with none other than Jaylen Hotdogfingers pitching. Over the course of the lengthy boss battle, Jaylen swapped with Pods pitcher Axel Trololol nine times; at the end, Jaylen remained on the defeated Pods, and Axel was Released along with the rest of the Hall Stars.

The battle between the Pods and the Hall Stars was frighteningly close throughout; one of many factors for the Hall Stars’ victory was their Loyalty modification made Jaylen a Saboteur every time they swapped to pitching for the Pods, making them have a chance of deliberately pitching into a Hall Stars home run.

After the Discipline Era

As the Shelled One’s Pods randomly fell back to teams in the league, Jaylen joined the San Francisco Lovers. With no Feedback after the Crabs retrocausally activated the Black Hole, they remained with the Lovers for the remainder of the Discipline Era. During the Coffee Cup, Jaylen pitched for the Heavy FC tournament team.

As the Expansion Era began, the league quickly learned that Fliickerrriiing greatly increased the likelihood of swapping teams in the Feedback. In just two seasons, Jaylen made their way onto the Yellowstone Magic, the Hawai’i Fridays, and the Core Mechanics, before returning to Seattle a third time toward the end of Season 13.

The Discipline Era ended a decade ago, but the league is still feeling the impact. Rogue umpires continue to incinerate players, peanuts continue to rain from the sky and are somehow attracted only to those with peanut allergies, and the fans’ decision to raise the dead continues to have consequences, even if less severe than before.

It is not surprising the Garages [IF WILL PASSES AS PLANNED] chose [OTHERWISE] planned to move Jaylen Hotdogfingers to the Shadows; the Discipline Era is very much behind us, and the reminders that remain continue to sharply impact the league. They made the conscious decision to remove a legendary player from active play in the name of moving forward as a league.

[IF WILL PASSES AS PLANNED] And perhaps, someday, we can find an end to Jaylen’s Fliickerrriiing, and they may pitch for the Garages once more.
[OTHERWISE] Despite that choice, the [IF GARAGES WIMDY] Garages’ [IF OTHERS WIMDY] leagues’ Wills chose differently. Jaylen remains an active player, and will likely wander to another team this season. The second leg of the Jaylen Hotdogfingers World Tour begins soon.

The post Jaylen Hotdogfingers (feels the shadows’ call) appeared first on Blaseball News Network.