Welcome to Hlorrible Hlistories. This is a series about less-known weird moments in Blaseball, statistical outliers that didn’t get noticed by the community at large. This episode is about the time the Tacos set a record for runs scored in a single game, then lost.

It’s Season 11, Day 32, and the Miami Dale are hosting the Unlimited Tacos. The pitcher for the Dale is Wyatt Owens, who’s been serviceable in their career, but entered a slump this season. On this day, they are about to make history, in a bad but morbidly funny way.

The game is reasonably likely to be a slugfest, as the Walk in the Park-powered Wild Low has all 5 best teams of the season by runs scored, and the Tacos in particular have the best OPS and most home runs scored in history of Blaseball, but the first three innings are scoreless. Peanut Bong, Wyatt’s opponent, retires the first 9 Dale batters. Owens allows 3 walks, but manages to get out of the situation.

In the fourth inning, the dam finally bursts. Wyatt loads the bases with 3 straight walks, then surrenders a grand slam to Mcdowell Mason, and another home run to Valentine Games two pitches later. Basilio Mason hits a triple and then scores via sacrifice, Halexandrey Walton bats in Vito Kravitz, and then Mcdowell comes back to deliver yet another home run. After the inning, the score is 9-0 Tacos. 

However, due to Sun 2, this is anything but a guaranteed non-loss. The Dale load the bases in the bottom of the inning, then Cannonball Sports clears them with a double. In the top of the 6th, Wyatt Owens allows more runners on base then surrenders a 3-run home run to Rat Mason, Sun 2 triggers, and the Tacos are now losing 2-3. It’s about to get more ridiculous.

Top of the 7th. Mcdowell Mason hits a go-ahead triple, then gets caught stealing home. Rat Mason hits another home run to make the score 5-3. Top of the 8th. Wyatt allows 5 hits and 4 RBI in 8 pitches. Basilio Fig scores a single to cause another 10 runs to be taken off the board. After the bases are loaded again, Mcdowell sacs in Fig for their 10th RBI of the game. The score is once again 2-3. Top of the 9th. Rat Mason hits a third homer to tie the game. Wyatt gets two outs, but walks two more Tacos players, and Mcdowell Mason is in the batter’s box. They strike out on 3 pitches. The Tacos have scored 23 runs and are going into extra innings.

At that point, this game could very well go down in history. The record for runs in a single 9-inning game is 24, which Jaylen Hotdogfingers, while under a mod that makes them allow home runs on purpose, could only tie 30 days earlier. If the Tacos score 2 more runs and hold off the Dale’s offense, they could go home with a record and a non-loss.

They don’t.

They do score the 25th run in the tenth inning, but Beck Whitney hits a two-run homer to tie it up, and after two singles the Dale nearly walk it off. In the eleventh inning, Owens walks in a run with two outs, but immediately after Basilio Mason gets caught stealing home. The Dale respond with a Randy Dennis two-out double (one of only 8 doubles for them this season) to bat in Caleb Novak. Then comes the twelfth inning.

After two walks on six straight balls and two hits, the score is 9-6. Wyatt gets an out, then walks Basilio Mason, and Vito Kravitz is in at the plate with Rat Mason at second. They hit a single, and Rat, this season’s worst player by UBR, advances from second to home to trigger the third Sun 2. But the Tacos still have a hope for a non-loss – Owens loads the bases, then surrenders a base-clearing triple and an RBI single to make the score 6-5 Dale. Basilio Mason then walks to the plate and immediately flies out. Basilio Fig walks up and hits a groundball to Don Elliott for the third out. Dale non-lose 6-5.

Wyatt Owens’ final statline: 12 IP, 35 R, 27 H, 6 SO, 22 BB, W.

As of this article’s making, this is still the highest number of runs ever allowed in a single game, without shenanigans caused by Sum Sun, Equal Sun, or Sun 0.1. And of all weathers, this game was played in Sun 2, the only weather where it’s possible to score a record number of runs and lose.

But there’s a silver lining for the Tacos – the three wins turned out to be important for them. Despite having only 45 non-losses, the Tacos had a league best 15 extra wins from the weather, which allowed them to reach the playoffs by one win. Had they not obtained any of those 3 wins, they would have tied with the Spies and Firefighters, and lost due to poor Divine Favor. So these wins really had a hlistorical impact.

The post Hlorrible Hlistories: The Tacos Scored 35 Runs and Lost appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

It is the middle of the Discipline Era, and the Tacos are losing. Again. It is their fate, it always has been, and it seems like it always will be. The demise of the Shelled One brought about a change of fortune, however, and the Infinite Cities started appearing in the post-season prior to the Grand Siesta, and in the Expansion Era were arguably the most consistent contender in the entire ILB. Unlikely as it may have seemed in those dark Discipline days, Los Angeli turned things around, and players transformed from cult heroes into veritable all-stars.

As such, the Tacos can participate in an exercise that once seemed like the most wishful of thinking— creating the all-time Taco roster. As with the other articles in this series, there are some rules in place to keep things on the straight and narrow.

1. There will be the standard 9 Lineup Players and 5 Pitching Players. Players cannot Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season on that team in their role.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be used once in the 14 positions.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

Make sense? Excellent. To that end, I sat down with some of my BACo. podcast co-hosts and we hashed out over a couple of hours what we believe to be the 14 best individual seasons from 24 years of Taco Blaseball history, in a hopefully optimized order. Stats are the “triple slash” of Batting Average, On-Base Percentage, and Slugging Percentage, and any other relevant statistics to help support the choices will be in the notes. Presenting the Taco All-Stars!

Lineup

1. Basilio Mason (Season 24) – .295/.463/.593

The BMase redemption arc was long in the making. A day-one Taco, they didn’t miss a single game until a reverb into the rotation in season 20, a remarkable feat for any player, especially one that supposedly doesn’t even like Blaseball. An infusion in the thick of the Expansion Era helped turn them into an OBP titan, thanks to a Moxie stat that ranked second behind only Jaxon Buckley at Season 24’s end. The lead-off spot is perfect for a player who can consistently get on base the way they can, but the ability to hit for power and not be a complete idiot on the basepaths (which is extremely rare in LA) has turned them into a superstar. With the one spot in the Lineup, the turnaround is complete.

2. Halexandrey Walton (Season 11) – .278/.383/.541

The Apex Hex was an incredibly popular Taco, and the offense-heavy environment of the Season 11 Wild Low was Hex at the peak of her powers, making use of the Divisional Walk in the Park to draw a whopping 98 walks that season, just under one a game, a number that no one else around the league could even come close to that year— Igneus Delacruz (RIV) was second with 82. Throw the 31 home runs into the mix as well, and you have that power element to her game. Peanut allergies, trades, and Alternation have left her a very different animal now, but they’ll always be a fan favorite and this season helps prove why.

3. Rat Mason (Season 20) – .371/.414/.598

Batting three is the greatest Taco of all-time, the legendary iconic Rat Mason, inadvertent star of the Semi-Centennial. Their contribution in the “Oops, all Masons” Lineup that gave the Tacos the Internet Series title in Season 17 cannot be understated, but Season 20 gets the nod, with its OPS of 1.012, the finest of Rat’s storied career. Their home run output was down that year, but the godly ability to consistently get on base makes up for it, and the .389 average with Runners In Scoring Position shows how important they were for the offense. They slot in at 3 here, a helpful spot with a high likelihood of runners on second or third to drive home, and Walton’s high walk rate has the added advantage of not giving Rat any bases to steal. Well, try and steal, anyway. Rat te amo!

4. Valentine Games (Season 12) – .314/.340/.709

What can I say about Val that hasn’t been said before? An absolute powerhouse of the splort, the name put fear in the hearts of pitchers for the entirety of their career. While their best season may have come in a Fridays jersey, ironically in the team that the Tacos beat to win the Season 17 title, Season 12 gets the nod from their time in the Infinite Cities. After the offensive boom in Seasons 10 and 11, most players came back to normality in the first tick of the Expansion Era. Not Val, who continued to mash for extra bases like the Grand Siesta never happened. They bat clean-up in the roster, and should drive in a big bucket-load of runs because that’s what Valentine Games does.

5. Mcdowell Mason (Season 19) – .324/.367/.819

The long-time captain, Mcdowell has always been more of a slugger than a consistent on-base player, but Season 19 had the best of both worlds. While he didn’t match the record-setting 70 home runs he hit the season prior, the 54 they hit this season was still phenomenal, coupled with the best batting average of his career. Powered by the One (Clutch Wooden Rock Ring), the improved contact helped them to hit a whopping 48 triples, and the stolen base numbers of a 38:6 success rate meant that even when the cap’ wasn’t hitting for extra bases, they might just take them anyway. The beating heart of the Tacos for so many seasons sits at the heart of the Lineup here in the number five spot.

6. Fish Summer (Season 21) – .333/.361/.615

Fish Summer ended up in the Infinite Cities entirely by accident and then Faxed into the Shadows their very first game. What a legend. They came out in Season 20 and tore the house down, then came back the following season even better. They might not feel like a Taco, having had much more storied runs with the Moist Talkers and the Crabs, but they were a formidable lead-off hitter, despite their propensity for being swept Elsewhere, setting the tone for a championship run that never quite emerged before the Georgias finally got their man Fish. Their time on the Tacos was brief, but the offensive output more than earns the spot, and Hot Fish Summer slots in at six.

7. Felix Garbage (Season 20) – .274/.294/.537

One of my favorite moves the Tacos has ever made was the Garbage for Gwiffin trade, and while Owl Dad never perhaps provided the impact either team had hoped for (shame the Gwiffuse never panned out), the good doctor Garbage has been maybe even better than expected. Season 24 has an astronomical OBP thanks to Skipping and Walk in the Park, but Season 20 (the only repeat season on the Lineup) was probably Doc providing the slugging that the Taco faithful crave, and the .400 BA/RISP is never something to be sniffed at. The deal sealer is the postseason performance— their OPS in the Season 20 playoffs was 1.117, and almost carried the Tacos to the Wild League crown. Felix floats on to seven in the lineup, a good spot for a player with production, but also still untapped potential in their future, given that the first half of their career was spent in the Mills’ rotation.

8. Sexton Wheerer (Season 17) – .244/.264/.532

The only hitting season selected from the Season 17 triumph is Sexton’s, and the hitting numbers are respectable (the best of his career), if not remarkable. What works in their favor is the postseason OPS of .886, including no fewer than nine home runs, and the fact that Wheerer possesses a quality that many in Los Angeli have lacked— defense. A standout defender, the ability with the glove almost justifies a spot in itself. Having that high Omniscience on the field for every game, rather than just one in five, swings Sexton into the Lineup at eight.

9. Basilio Fig (Season 15) – .206/.252/.562

Basilio Fig is so weird. I mean that in the best possible way. Their OPS fluctuates between great, average, and awful seemingly on the roll of a die each season, and their stat spread is quite unlike any other player I can recall. The temptation was strong to pick a later Season after the Tacos committed Fire Science and gave Fig the hilarious and devastating Fire Eater/Unstable combination, but Season 15 encapsulates everything Fig is about as a player. They had 91 hits this season. Only 28 of those were singles, and only nine were doubles. That leaves nearly two-thirds of their hits being triples and homers; 23 and 35 respectively. This is the perfect ‘Fig hits big’ season— the disparity between BA/OBP and SLG may never be seen again, and there’s a good chance the Tacos miss the postseason without Fig’s power-hitting that year. A player as strange as Fig is perfect to round off the Lineup, and their phenomenal triple hitting thanks to their high Ground Friction leaves them in a great place to be driven home by the top of the order.

Honorable mentions go to Nicholas Vincent (Season 14), whose potential was snuffed out by a Rogue Umpire before we ever saw their best; Patel Beyonce (Season 5), who was a shining light for the Tacos in the dark days of the Discipline Era; and Wyatt Dovenpart (Season 7), an unmistakable part of the creation of the Infinite Los Angeli whose on-field efforts are often forgotten.

Rotation:

1. Michelle Sportsman (Season 21) — -0.04 ERA

Look, I know that items can be ephemeral, and Underhanded seems quite unfair, but it’s impossible to talk about Michelle Sportsman without bringing it up. Underhanded Michelle Sportsman broke Blaseball. There are six seasons where a pitcher finished with a negative ERA, and Chell has four of them. Season 21 gets the nod, with 31 Quality Starts out of 33 games, and fewer hits and home runs than Season 20 despite a slightly higher ERA, an identical WHIP (I know, right? Blaseball.), and a better postseason performance, with a -0.43 ERA over three contests, to go with it. We knew Michelle would be the envy of the league, and so it proved, but for two glorious seasons the Sickos in the Taco Stand were out in full force, and Sportsman heads up the Rotation here.

2. Yummy Elliott (Season 17) — 3.39 ERA

Yummy Elliott, a childhood Tacos fan, is the best, most consistent pitcher that the Tacos have ever had, in this writer’s opinion, and I’m not sure it’s close. This gives us a wide variety of seasons to pick from, which poses some nice problems. Season 19 has the best ERA, 1.58, and was also the season Yummy threw their perfect game, against the Boston Flowers (the first perfect game in ILB history with the loser having a run, thanks to Boston’s Home Field Advantage). Part of the reason it hasn’t been selected is that Elliott spent the first part of the season in the Shadows, as they are occasionally wont to do, thanks to Al Pastor’s fax machine. Yummy spent some time Shadowed in Season 17 as well, although only for one game (thanks, McBaseball Clembons), and their regular-season ERA of 3.39, with a WHIP of 0.80, are very creditable if not outstanding. The reason this season gets the nod is for her postseason performance— with Wyatt Mason IV shelled, Yummy pitched two-thirds of the Tacos games in the playoffs, posting a 2.87 ERA, winning every single outing after the opening contest against the Firefighters, including holding their nerve in the Internet Series decider, giving up just the one run through ten innings, to finish with a 6-1 postseason record and winning LA their first (and so far only) Internet Series). The numbers are better in other years, but playing their best when it mattered most makes this the choice.

3. Vito Kravitz (Season 15) — 2.68 ERA

For the first half of their career, Vito was a hitter at the bottom of the Taco lineup (after a Feedback swap with the Flowers for Moses Mason (RIV)). This flattered Kravitz, who loved a groundout more than anyone ever thought possible. They were Foreshadowed for Nicholas Vincent after Season 13, and spent Season 14 in the Shadows, selling lots of very affordable used cars. It was during this time-off that the Taco Stand hatched a plan— what if we made the skeleton pitch? It was a stroke of genius. Vito’s first season on the mound, Season 15, was lights out, posting a 2.68 ERA, 0.689 WHIP, 24 Quality Starts, and a strikeout to walk ratio of 186.5. He continually peppered the strike zone, and the Rotation was better for it. As the Ruthlessness era of pitching faded, Vito’s deficiencies in other areas began to catch up, and their pitching days may be behind him (especially now they frustratingly refuse to leave the Lineup again), but their contribution in the early part of their pitching career should not be understated, and his rookie season stands the test of time.

4. Wyatt Mason IV (Season 16) – 2.99 ERA

When Ivy arrived in the second Wyatt Masoning (how crazy is it that we have to clarify), the Tacos fans rejoiced that they appeared to be one of the better Echoes, and as their namesakes quickly staticked out, it became apparent that Ivy might be around long-term. Thus, Ivy received an infusion in the Season 15 elections, and the improvement in Season 16 was strong enough to justify the decision, and also earn a spot in the All-Star rotation. The ERA is very good, but the WHIP is outstanding at 0.691, posting 20 Quality Starts out of 33 games. They Shelled themself in Season 17, and their career has never hit the same heights afterward, but Season 16 is probably the best season any player named Wyatt Mason has ever had, and there is a ludicrous number to pick from.

5. Patel Beyonce (Season 7) – 2.73 ERA

Well now, what’s this? A Discipline Era nominee? You better believe it. Beyonce nearly snuck in as a hitter, and may well have made the Lineup were it not for their performance on the mound. The Tacos were not good, and for a player on that team to put up a 2.73 ERA was absolutely unheard of— it was the fifth-best ERA in the entire ILB. Wins are not necessarily a good stat, but for a Taco pitcher to post a 12-8 record at that time is ridiculous given the lack of run support, and with 14 Quality Starts out of 20 (tied for fourth league-wide) it could perhaps have been even more. They pitched a league-leading five shutouts that year as well. Hitting across the league was not as strong then as it is now, but PBae’s season was still strong enough to provide the only reputation in our team from those unsuccessful early Taco years.

Honorable mentions go to Sexton Wheerer (Season 13), the rock of the Rotation for so long, still the all-time leader in ILB history for the number of pitches thrown despite last taking the mound in Season 14, and posted a 3.04 ERA this season but was better utilized in the lineup; Lucas Petty (Season 24), a recent Taco addition who has quickly become a fan favorite, and whose penchant for Partying means that their best is probably still to come; and Pitching Machine (Season 8), a first-ballot Hall of Famer, certified Legend, and beloved league-wide, but whose best seasons came in other uniforms (both as a pitcher and as a hitter, where they counter-intuitively spent more of their career). So there you have it, the Taco All-Stars, which I’m sure absolutely no one will disagree with on any front. If you’re interested in the discussion process, I recommend listening to the BACo. episode where we discuss the choices in-depth, which can be found at https://blaseballanalysisco.libsyn.com/episode-5-the-perfect-taco.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here. 

The post All-Baco Tacos: LA Unlimited Tacos Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

It’s Season 18, Day 29, and we’re at Al Pastor Memorial Park. The Atlantis Georgias are visiting the infinite cities to take on the Los Angeli Unlimited Tacos. The Tacos won the first game of the series 5-4 in a tight contest, although game two looks to be more low-scoring with both teams having an ace on the mound. It’s Rigby Friedrich for the Georgias, and Yummy Elliott for the Tacos, in what seems to shape up on paper as a real pitchers’ duel.

But the game isn’t played on paper, as we well know, but the immaterial plane. Instead, the fans at the Taqueria are treated to an offensive explosion. It kicks off in the top of the second inning: Atlantis takes a 3-0 lead before a 3-run homer from Niq Nyong’o in the fourth doubles the difference to 6-0.

Whispers and murmurs of disquiet begin to reverberate around the stadium. “Wow, Yummy’s really struggling out there.” “It’s fine, Ellie can pitch their way out of it, every pitcher has games where they lose command.” “Come on Yummy, HOLD!” Elliott can sense it as well, and seems resolved to prove any doubters wrong. They double down, determined to throw harder and faster to get themself back on track. It backfires. Flattery McKinley gets hold of a rising fastball and it’s long gone, settling in the upper deck in right field. A two-run homer, and to add insult to injury it bounces into a Big Bucket. The Georgias are now up 9-0, and Elliott’s in serious trouble. Yummy Elliott could get Faxed.

A Fax Machine is a curious device, one that works— as far as I can tell— through a mixture of science, telepathy, and magic. In a Blaseball context, it first came to our attention when teams were offered the opportunity to install one in their home stadium during the Season 17 Renovations.

When the home pitcher gives up ten runs, the team’s best Shadows pitcher joins the Rotation in their place, with the active pitcher getting some time to regroup (and the star boost that comes with being Shadowed). Tacos fans liked the idea of the Fax Machine, both strategically to make gradual improvements to the pitching and to protect from any Reverbs, and also because it seemed like the sorts of shenanigans they embrace with open arms. Thus, when the Season 17 Latesiesta was upon us the LA Taqueria duly installed their shiny new Fax Machine, which took pride of place in the corner of the home dugout, waiting for it to be called on in LA’s hour of need.

The Tacos did not have to wait long. Just two days into the Lateseason, Yummy Elliott had a bad day on the mound, and lacking rhythm and conviction, the Miami Dale took them for ten Runs. And so, the league witnessed the Fax Machine operate for the first time.

With Yummy Elliott relieved of their duty, everyone waited to welcome to the active roster Michelle Sportsman, a very promising prospect Tacos fans had been eagerly awaiting the debut of… wait, that’s… who is that? Is that… McBaseball Clembons?! A fault in the installation had led to half of the Shadows being ignored, and thus McBaseball leapfrogged Michelle to take the mound and finish the game, much to the surprise and hilarity of the Taco faithful.

Clembons did not last long on the active roster, though. Their very first start against the struggling offense of the Mexico City Wild Wings, McBaseball Clembons promptly gave up ten Runs and a slightly more clinical Yummy Elliott returned to their place in the Rotation as if nothing ever happened— save for a slight McBlaseball fever dream. The Unlimited Tacos, with their ace now better than ever, rolled their way through the playoffs to capture their first ILB Championship at the season’s end.

Installing the Fax Machine became a shrewd piece of foresight when, come Election time, a bizarre series of trades swapped Wyatt Mason IV out of the Rotation of the champs for 4-time champion and star hitter Fish Summer. With the Fax in place, Fish Summer duly gave up ten Runs in their very first start against the Hellmouth Sunbeams and was replaced by debut pitcher Michelle Sportsman in what seemed like a very stable Rotation for the Tacos, with Yummy Elliott smack bang in the centre of it. 

Fast forward back to Season 18, Day 29, and Yummy Elliott exits the fourth inning with the Tacos in a 9-0 hole. The offense finally provides some run support in the next few innings, and by the time we enter the eighth inning Atlantis only leads 9-6. The inning gets off to a shaky start, however, Frankie Hambone tucking into a curveball that results in a lead-off double. Yummy Elliott is two bases away from being Faxed out again. Maybe it’s playing on their mind. Maybe they just got unlucky. Maybe they second-guessed themself. No matter the reason, the result was there for all to see.

Yummy Elliott throws an acidic pitch that Slosh Truk was ready for, and it’s blasted straight beyond the outfield wall for another 1.8 runs. It happened again. The Tacos Fax Machine has activated for the fourth time, and against all the odds Elliott has accounted for half of them. The crowd looks on in disbelief as Yummy Elliott, frustrated and disconsolate, slinks back to the dugout and watches McKinley Otten take the mound in relief.

Given how brief their previous time on the bench was, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the Tacos’ ace would soon take their rightful place in the Rotation again. It is at this point that I would like to remind you that Blaseball is a horror game (in multiple ways).

At the series’ conclusion, LA would begin a grueling road trip, leaving their Fax Machine behind and giving Elliott no chance to Fax back in. The Tacos only have six more home series the entire season, giving opportunities to Fax Yummy back in very scarcely. The Ohio Worms come closest, taking Vito Kravitz for 9 runs on day 61, while on day 63, the difference between Sportsman staying or going is one acidic pitch on a 3-run home run. The final tally of 9.7 Runs conceded is agonizingly close, but not close enough as Yummy Elliott continues to take time off in the Shadows. Tokyo also gives Taco fans hope that their ace might return, but Otten holds firm in their last home start of the season and the game finishes Lift 8, Tacos 6.

With their best pitcher not taking the field for over two-thirds of the season, LA misses out on the Postseason for the first time since Season 12, snapping the longest playoff streak in the league. Their misery is compounded on Day 97 when Consumers set their sights on the only player on the active roster without an item. Elliott’s replacement, McKinley Otten, unable to defend themself, leaving them a fraction of the pitcher they were before.

Come Election time, rather than swap Elliott back into the active roster, they leave their return up to the whims of the Fax, choosing instead to re-acquire their mentor, Sexton Wheerer, from the Yellowstone Magic, and wimdy Infuse McBaseball Clembons (remember them?) for their Wills. Thus Season 19 commences, and Yummy Elliott continues to languish in the Shadows, bristling with excitement to pitch again early in the season.

Season 19 does not oblige, unfortunately for Elliott, in the same way that Season 18 did. Only three of the nine series in the Earlseason take place at Al Pastor, the first two of those against the anemic offenses of the Firefighters and the Worms. The Houston Spies visit the infinite cities between Days 16 and 18, and on the second of those, McKinley Otten struggles on the mound. Yummy’s ears prick up as they might finally see some game action again. Otten gives up the tenth run, but before Elliott can pick up the Fax, Sun 2 smiles upon the Spies, and swallows the Runs, resetting their score to zero, and leaving the Tacos waiting by the Fax for a message that would never come. 

By the time the Tacos return home, the calendar already reads Day 40, but a hot Georgias team can’t apply the offense needed. And while the Sunbeams come close in the next home series, 9 Runs is all they can muster against Sportsman. The Dale also fall short of the mark. Thankfully for LA, for only the second time since their ace entered the Shadows, and for the first time since Otten’s attack, the Tacos have more than two home series in a row.

The Flowers are next up, and after Vito Kravitz gives up a nice 6.9 runs, Otten takes the mound for the second game of the series, Day 56. After flooding washes away the first Boston baserunner of the day, they slowly begin to accumulate Runs; a four-run fourth inning putting the visitors up 6-1.

The hubbub that emerged over a season ago in that game against Atlantis when the Fax Machine last triggered swells once more. “Six runs already!” “We’re not even halfway through!” “Can Otten hold on?”  Inning five passes without incident, while Silvaire Roadhouse is left stranded on second in the sixth. “We might get away with it.” The seventh is over in a flash, Otten throwing just four pitches as the Flowers fall, one, two, three. “Time’s running out.” “I don’t think it’s gonna happen.”

Top of the eighth, two outs, no one on base. Lenny Spruce fouls off the first two pitches to go behind 0-2 in the count. One strike, and Otten escapes another inning without any damage. Otten can’t find the strike zone and fills the count before walking their opponent. Margarito Nava now has an opportunity that seemed unlikely four pitches ago. A triple drives in Spruce and Scores Baserunner single scores Nava before the inning is over. Boston has eight, and the Fax watch is back on. The Taco Stand buzzes again, as the machine begins to whirr into life. They’ve been here before though, fallen at the final Fax hurdle. Three outs for the Flowers to score two Runs. 

Make that two out, Roadhouse grounds out. Foible hits a pop fly, and Sexton Wheerer makes the catch. One out left. A familiar figure strides from the batter’s box to the plate— none other than NaN, back in the home of the Grand Unslam and the first Wyatt Masoning. Taco hearts sink; as beloved as NaN is, it is not for their batting ability. The final out seems a formality. Otten loads up, throws, and goes too high for ball one. The next pitch is too high as well, ball two. Hearts beat faster in the Taqueria, as Otten overcorrects, throwing one in the dirt for ball three. Lead-off hitter Chambers Simmons, on deck, perks up, knowing they might get a final plate appearance after all. Otten splits the difference this time, a fastball through the heart of the strike zone that NaN offers no swing to. Simmons gets ready to dump their batting gear so they can field, as Otten throws the fifth pitch of the at-bat. It’s borderline, and every set of eyes in the Taqueria is lasered on the home plate Umpire. The Umpire stands firm, motionless, unflinching.

NaN has drawn a walk.

“Surely not?” “I can’t take much more.” Chambers Simmons steps up to the plate, stares Otten down, and swings hard through the first pitch. The eyes of the ballpark move away from Simmons, but they don’t switch to the ball— there’s no point. From the sound alone, there was no question about where it would end up. Instead, the crowd stares at the home dugout as the dusty Fax Machine in the corner, covered in cobwebs, struggles, and chugs, and churns into life, slowly printing the message that Tacos fans have waited over a season to read. The message that Tacos players have waited over a season to read. The message that Yummy Elliott has waited over a season to read. Otten, tired and battered bruised, traipses to the dugout with a satisfied smile on their face, and high fives their replacement as they slink into the Shadows for a fully deserved rest. Yummy Elliott takes the high five and takes the applause as they stride, better than ever, back to the mound.

It was one season and twenty-seven days between pitches for Yummy Elliott. One season and twenty-seven days where the Tacos were without their ace. One season and twenty-seven days where, try as they might, the Tacos pitching staff contrived to not give up ten Runs at home and trigger the Fax Machine. If that seems like a long time, there’s a reason for that— because it is. To illustrate this, I’ve made this handy table of every Fax Machine triggered between Season 18, Day 29 and Season 19, Day 56, the time Elliott spent in the shadows. 

There were twenty-five. Twenty-five instances of a Fax Machine being triggered while Yummy Elliott was sidelined. The Houston Spies were the only team who only Faxed once, as their Rotation improved with Tabby out and Picklestein in. The Millennials, with their strong pitching staff, still managed to get two Faxes in— even Theodore Cervantes Faxed out! (That game was the only example on the list where the home team won, as they Shamed Baltimore in the 14th inning). The Shoe Thieves led with 8 Faxes, the Garages close behind with 6. Ren Hunter and Oscar Dollie were both involved in four Faxes themselves. Three days had multiple uses of a Fax Machine, and three series had a Fax initiated twice. The Steaks Faxed Shoe Thieves’ pitchers four times in Season 18 alone! The point I’m making here is that for the Tacos schedule to line up in such a way that prevented use of the Fax Machine for over a season is very, if not incredibly, unlikely.

Yummy Elliott would finish the season with the third-best ERA of all qualifying pitchers at 1.580, led the league in strikeouts per nine innings, and they threw their first perfect game later that season, appropriately against the Boston Flowers (who started with one Run on the board thanks to their Home Field Advantage). Maybe their spell on the sidelines taught them something. Perhaps they maximised the time away from the game, found themselves, waited with bated breath for exactly the right time to come back in. Or, it could just easily be the cruel whims of the Blaseball Gods. 

Yummy Elliott takes their place on the mound, tries to shut out the roar of the crowd, and focuses on Nic Winkler at the plate. Fastball in the top corner of the strike zone, 0-1. That felt good. Another fastball, this time down Sunset Boulevard, right through the zone before Winkler has time to blink. 0-2. Elliott decides to mix things up a little, be a little cheeky, go for the breaking ball slightly outside. Winkler reaches and swings for it, and it squirts up off the toe end of the bat for Felix Garbage to float in and catch for the final Boston out of the game. It’s almost like that one season and twenty-seven days never even happened.

The post Statement of Fax: A Taco Fax Analysis appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Island Tuesday. Taco Friday. The Season 17 Internet Series. How did the LA Unlimited Tacos end up winning it all?

Fortunately, that’s not the question I’m here to answer. Doing so would require a coven of datamancers, and I’m sure SIBR is busy with something involving salmon, skateboards, fluid dynamics, lots of coffee, and numbers that may or may not be imaginary.

What I, Frijoles Jones, am here to do is recap the last Threeson (Seasons 15, 16, and 17) from the perspective of a newsbear (not an actual bear) that followed the Tacos on their journey to the Championship. So let’s hop in a Salmon Cannon and take a trip back in time. [Editors note: Taco News Unlimited and the Blaseball News Network do not recommend actually climbing into a Salmon Cannon.]

Season 15

After winning the Season 13 and 14 Wild League Championships and then getting swept in both Finals, the Tacos seemed a bit discouraged at the beginning of the Threeson. Valentine Games had left for Hawai’i, and while their replacement, Greer Gwiffin, was welcomed with Tacos enthusiasm, it was a tough loss. Rat Mason had been Elsewhere for much of Season 14, stayed gone all Offseason. Though they came back on Day 3, the Tacos still only won twice in the first week of games.

It was Vito Kravitz’s first season as a pitcher, and he quickly proved that the Tacos Strategy Team (TST) made a great call with this Roster move. The ruthless Kravitz had the best Win-Loss Percentage of the three Tacos pitchers this season and was right behind Yummy Elliott, the Tacos’ new and hungry ace pitcher, in their performance all season long.

Tragedy in Boston

Just as the Tacos were getting their feet under them in the Mid-Earlseason, new but already much-beloved hitter Nicholas Vincent, who had taken up Kravitz’s position last season, was incinerated by a Rogue Umpire on Day 14. Remember that date.

They were replaced by Rat Batson, whose performance in the rest of the season inspired (and deserved!) an article of its own by the esteemed splortscaster Blenjamin Rees.

An Abbreviated Postseason

With Batson instead of Vincent in the Lineup, the Tacos couldn’t maintain the Wild Low dominance that they showed the previous two seasons. They instead ended up neck-and-neck with the Miami Dale and losing the tiebreaker to win the fourth seed spot, forcing them to play in the Wild Card round.

The Tacos were up against the Mexico City Wild Wings. They’d gone 3-3 against the Wings during the regular season, and Burke Gonzales was pitching against Yummy Elliott in Game 1 at LA Taquería. Both pitchers held their own for a 0-0 game that lasted 16 innings until the Wild Wings finally scored at the top of the 17th.

Game 2 took the Tacos to The Bucket, where Mags Banananana and Wyatt Mason IV both let their opponents actually score, and though it was close, the Wild Wings closed it out with a couple of big home runs, winning the game 7-4 and the series 2-0.

The Tacos went home, and the Wild Wings went all the way to the Championships before losing to the Canada Moist Talkers.

Election Ups and Downs

It was the Election of Bats. Of course, that’s when all the active players got Bats. But it’s also when Rat Batson got mercifully transferred to the Shadows, replaced by veteran Sexton Wheerer, who’d spent a season in the Shadows resting their pitching arm and practicing swinging a bat. Ironically, they didn’t receive one of their own.

The TST also recommended a Transfusion for Wyatt Mason IV’s pitching, setting them up to really hold their own next season.

Halexandrey Walton left for Charleston, and I’ve heard rumors that they took one of each of their teammates’ shoes with them.

Season 16

Season 16… definitely happened.

Look, it’s getting late and I’m kind of hungry and it was ages ago so I need to check my notes. I’m going to make a snack.

Okay. I’m back. So what happened in Season 16?

Wyatt Mason IV had an eventful Day 39, Echoing their teammates 29 times. That Transfusion paid off, bringing Ivy’s stats for the season up significantly. They pitched 8 shutouts during the season, more than Kravitz and Elliott combined, and had a season ERA of 2.99.

Kravitz and Elliott both kept up their strong performances as well, and with Sexton Wheerer in the Lineup, the Tacos were back at the top of the Wild League, finishing the season with 66 Wins.

Interlude: Stadium Shenanigans

Well, there weren’t really any shenanigans. It’s just such a good word, and Tacos fans are known for their willingness to commit to a good shenanigan.

The Al Pastor Memorial Park Planning Committee (APMPPC), which is a division of the TST, has consistently recommended that LA Taquería be formed into a nice wide taco-like shape, reducing the frequency of foul balls and spreading the Tacos’ small team even further apart on the field. 

(There are rumors that this was in part due to dietary conflicts between the players. I cannot confirm that any Tacos player has ever tried to eat a teammate, and when I reached out to Al Pastor, team manager, via email, all the speakers in my office played a busy signal, so I have dropped this line of inquiry.)

In Season 15, LA Taquería was made a little less Grandiose. Additionally, the Tacos, along with many other teams, installed a Secret Base. That can’t possibly cause problems in the future.

In Season 16, the APMPPC finally had the opportunity to increase the frequency of Sun2y days in LA, as well as stretch those walls out towards that taco shape.

In Season 17, with no good options for dimensional adjustments, the APMPPC approved the installation of a Fax Machine, for pitching relief, as well as the Hotel Motel, for Earlseason Partying. More on the Fax Machine when we get to Season 17 in this already-long recap.

Postseason Problems

The Tacos sat out the first round this time, playing the fourth seed Chicago Firefighters in round 2, after the Firefighters beat the Wild Card Hades Tigers.

The Tacos were shut out in Game 1 and Shamed in Game 2. But the Tacos weren’t going to stand for another Postseason sweep, and they turned it around in an exciting Game 3, beating the Firefighters 11 to 7. Ultimately, though, [insert fire metaphor here], and they lost Game 4, sending them to PARTYTIME and dashing their hopes for another trip to the Finals.

Election Time Once Again

At this point, everyone agreed that Tacos were looking good. With Vito Kravitz pitching and the whole Rotation boosted, it was time for the TST to turn its attention to the Lineup. Rat Mason got a Transfusion, but there was more to do. Greer Gwiffin, who had replaced Valentine Games, wasn’t performing as well as the TST had hoped, but they showed promise as a pitcher. Moving them to the Tacos rotation wouldn’t give the team the batting boost it needed, so the analysts in the TST crunched some numbers and recommended a trade.

Felix Garbage, a fairly mediocre pitcher for the New York Millennials, showed promise as a batter, so negotiations began, and the trade was agreed upon. Gwiffin left for New York and Garbage came to LA.

Team captain Mcdowell Mason put Garbage at the top of the Lineup, moving themself to the fourth spot.

Fans were excited. Next season, they said. We could really go all the way next season.

Season 17

The vibes were good at the start of the season. New Taco Felix Garbage was performing well, as was Sexton Wheerer. There were no major holes in the Lineup and the pitching looked great. The Tacos won 8 of their first 12 games, and 7 of those were against the Wild Wings, who had beaten them in the first round of the Season 15 playoffs.

Then they played a series against the Tokyo Lift.

Just a Little Snack

Remember Season 15, Day 14? The day Nicholas Vincent was incinerated.

It was another Day 14. Former Taco Alejandro Leaf was pitching for the Tokyo Lift. Leaf was one of the Snackrificed, and it was Peanuts weather. They tasted the Infinite and Shelled Felix Garbage in the 5th inning. And then in the 7th inning, they did it again, Shelling Basilio Fig.

All this happened while Sexton Wheerer was Elsewhere, so the Tacos’ already short Lineup now had just three active batters.

Then, just 17 days later, Wyatt Mason IV pitched a game in Reverb weather. After 12 Echoes that alternated between Vito Kravitz, Basilio Fig, and Felix Garbage, Ivy ended the game with an Echo from Garbage, leaving them Shelled and therefore out of the pitching Rotation.

Wheerer had returned from Elsewhere by then, but that still left the Tacos down three players. A third of the active team was now trapped in giant peanut shells.

Fans were distraught. This was supposed to be the Tacos’ Season! Alas, as we all know, Blaseball happens.

But the Tacos kept winning.

The Masons Mcdowell, Rat and Basilio, along with Sexton Wheerer, gave it their all, batting each other (and occasionally themselves) in over and over again.

Vito Kravitz and Yummy Elliott continued to perform well, with Kravitz stepping up to pitch in place of Ivy.

Remember the Fax Machine that I mentioned the Tacos had installed? It was hooked up during Latesiesta, and it didn’t take long for it to bring some chaos to play. That chaos was named McBaseball Clembons. No, that is not a typo.

McWho? Why?

The Tacos were hosting the Dale, who were scoring Run after Run off of Elliott. In the 6th inning, they got to 10, and a Shadow Fax relieved Elliott, replacing them with… McBaseball Clembons. Who is decidedly not the best pitcher in the Tacos Shadows. Apparently there were some technical difficulties with this newfangled Fax technology.

This was supposed to be the Tacos’ Season! Blaseball happens.

Fortunately, as the TST reminded everyone, McBaseball Clembons was bad enough at pitching that they would certainly be Faxed back out soon.

Sure enough, in Clembons’s next game 3 days later, the Wild Wings scored 10 Runs at the beginning of the 6th inning. Yummy Elliott was faxed back in to pitch the rest of the game.

The Fax Machines have since been updated to work as intended.

McBaseball Clembon’s entire pitching career consists of 3 innings + 1 pitch on Day 74 and 5 innings + 1 pitch on Day 77. Not even one full game. Blaseball!

One More Postseason

It was a good season for small rosters. The Yellowstone Magic ended their season with an amazing uppy-downy 72-27 record, leading the Mild League, and the Tacos were at the top of the Wild league, albeit much more closely, with the Dale, Spies, and Firefighters close behind.

The Tacos were facing the Firefighters again after losing to them in the last Postseason. After losing Game 1, the Tacos won the next three games, moving onto the Wild Championships.

The Tacos played the Dale next, who’d beaten the Spies 3-0. The Tacos managed to win in 3 games, but every game was close. It was an edge-of-your-seat series all the way to the end.

Their place in the Internet Series secured, attention turned to the Pies and Fridays, who were still playing for the Mild Championship. When the Fridays won it, the celebrations were simply vibes throughout LA Taquería and beyond.

Your Season 17 champions are the LA Unlimited Tacos!

What can I even say about this series. There were home runs. So many home runs. My ears are still ringing from the cheering in LA Taquería when Val Games hit that dinger for the Fridays in Game 1.

Game 2 in Hawai’i was under a Solar Eclipse, and the Tacos were already up by 4 after the 1st inning. Just as the 2nd began, a Rogue Umpire tried to incinerate the Shelled Basilio Fig, who still ate the flame and became Magmatic.

The TST made Plans.

By the end of the 3rd inning, the Tacos were up by 6, and they showed no signs of stopping, scoring 4 more in the 4th, and it’s a good thing too, because the Fridays weren’t slowing down either, bringing their score up to 8 by the bottom of the 7th. The game ended with a remarkable score of 17 to 8, putting the Tacos up by two games and heading home for the third.

Game 3 was something completely different. Yummy Elliott was pitching against former Taco but longtime Friday Baldwin Breadwinner, who was pitching for the first time in their career this season. Despite stats that didn’t look like they could hold up to Elliott’s, Breadwinner held their own against the four active Tacos hitters, and no one scored until the 5th inning, when Rat Mason made it home.

The Tacos held that lead for a while until Val Games hit a dinger, tying the game in the 8th inning. Sexton Wheerer tried to win it all at the bottom of the 9th by trying to steal home, but got caught, sending the game into extra innings, where Mcdowell Mason scored on a sacrifice play to win the game and the Tacos first Internet Series. Taco Baco!

What Comes Next

Lots of celebrating, and then— as always, an Election.

When Basilio Fig became Magmatic in Game 2 of the finals, The TST quickly revised their planning to include a bit of science, voting to Reform Fig’s Magmatic. It became Unstable, which means that Fig is now an Unstable Fire Eater: home runs ahoy! That is, once they’re unshelled, at least.

A Transfusion went to Basilio Mason this Season, boosting their batting after a great performance in the Postseason.

After a season-long campaign by dedicated tacogandists, the Tacos won Acidic blood. Bring on the limes, and the data crimes—Acidic pitches make runs worth 0.1 less.

And then there were the trades. This time they weren’t carefully organized after crunching the numbers.

First, the Magic Plundered Sexton Wheerer, sending back their longtime player Bevan Wise.

Then the Crabs traded Fish Summer for Wyatt Mason IV… except that the Crabs no longer had Fish Summer to trade, since the Georgias had already traded Montgomery Bullock for Fish Summer, and so Wyatt Mason IV was indeed traded for Fish Summer, but Ivy ended up with the Georgias. 

Fish Summer is indeed now in Ivy’s place in the Tacos’ rotation. The only problem is that they’re a batter. Their pitching? Well, let’s just say the team would be better off with McBaseball.

So as Season 18 begins, what can we expect?

I’ve been around long enough to know that no good can come of making Blaseball predictions. It’s likely we’ll see Fish Summer Faxed away, but there are a lot of confounding factors there: How often are the Tacos playing at home against batters who can score 10 Runs? We shall see. Will we get an Unshelling? That’s up to the whims of the Birds. What new horrors await our players next Threeson?

Only time will tell.

The post Taco Time: Threeson 2 Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Frijoles: Tacos. They’re undeniably delicious but have historically not been particularly good at Blaseball. As mentioned in my Season 12 recap, they performed above their weight in Season 11, achieving a lot of runs (often followed by losing the actual game). At the end of Season 12, however, the whole team got a boost, and many splorts journalists believed they could go all the way in Season 13.

I’m capable of the general “numbers go up!” observations that are necessary in this line of work, but I’m really more of a color commentary sort of bear (not actually a bear). So I’ve called in reinforcements: Ace Analyst from Blaseball Prospectus is here to help me make sense of the Tacos Good? Tacos Good! situation we saw this Season.

Ace, what would you say is the basis for the Tacos’ amazing jump from 38-61 last Season to leading the League with a 64-35 record?

Ace: If one wanted to sum up the reason for the Tacos’ Season 13 success in one word, it wouldn’t be too difficult: pitching. Pitching has always been a struggle for the Tacos, with LA averaging a team ERA of 5.09 from Seasons 3 through 12. However, after infusing Sexton Wheerer up to 4 stars and foreshadowing the 1-star Peanut Bong for 3-star Yummy Elliott, the Season 13 Tacos set new team records for ERA (3.46), shutouts (10), strikeouts (805), hits allowed per 9 innings (7.4)… pretty much any counting or rate stat you can name. And these weren’t just Tacos records because of their past shortcomings; they were legitimately great numbers, stacking up well against past championship contenders like the Season 9 Shoe Thieves or the Season 5 Firefighters.

Frijoles: The Expansion Era could certainly so far be called The Era of the Pitcher, and the Tacos have a storied history with their pitchers. Wheerer undoubtedly appreciated Peanut Bong giving him a break every other Day in Seasons 11 and 12, but Yummy Elliott clearly brings more skill to the mound, winning more than half of the games they pitched in their debut season and largely keeping pace with the newly-infused Wheerer.

But let’s turn to the lineup. Last Season we saw some blooddrain and an allergy that certainly didn’t help as the Season progressed. The Tacos don’t have any huge problems in their lineup, although fans do love to call for the League to “ban ground” because of Kravitz’s tendency to ground out. How did the Tacos’ lineup stack up this Season?

Ace: It’s a good thing that the Tacos’ rotation improved immensely, because their offense took another step back in Season 13. After one of the greatest team-wide offensive seasons ever in Season 11 (0.983 OPS, 241 HRs) catapulted them into the playoffs, a nearly identical Season 12 lineup was merely pedestrian by comparison (0.791 OPS, 187 HRs). And in Season 13, LA’s team and individual numbers continued to fall, with only a pair of Masons (Rat and Basilio) making any real improvements. When putting the Tacos’ offensive numbers into context — they scored the 2nd-fewest runs in their division — the success of their pitching staff becomes all the more important.

Frijoles: Let’s talk CRIMES. The Tacos spent Gods’ Day on Wind Sprints, improving their baserunning. I know it seems like I saw more crimes — Games in particular doesn’t tend to go for the steal very often, preferring to just hit a triple or a nice home run. And then of course we’ve got to look at crime prevention. The Tacos aren’t the most defensive team. How did these aspects of the game affect their performance?

Ace: While defense and baserunning metrics are much less tangible than batting and pitching (without the crunch of an Apple, at least), it’s clear from what we can measure that the Tacos improved on those fronts. After boosting their average baserunning by nearly a full star with the Wind Sprints Blessing in the Season 12 Election, the Tacos stole 108 bases in Season 13 — the most in the team’s recorded history, and nearly double their S12 total. And on the defensive front, we have even less to go off of statistically, but looking at the drastic improvement in Wheerer’s pitching stats (nearly 2 whole points off of their ERA!), it would be surprising if a 1.5-star infusion was the only contributing factor. Past dynasties, like the Season 9-10 Shoe Thieves and the pre-Ascension Crabs, relied heavily on these two factors, and it seems that they made an impact on the Tacos’ rise as well.

Frijoles: Thanks Ace, I knew that I’d seen some new tactics from the team this Season. Any final thoughts?

Ace: In such a chaotic and unpredictable splort, stats can only get you so far (just look at the Sunbeams, who were the ILB’s unluckiest team in Season 13). To get a true picture of how well a team performed, it’s important to look at actual game outcomes. The Tacos did well against playoff contenders, posting a positive W-L record against teams over .500 for the first time in their history. However, they also played 21 of their 99 games (or about ⅕ of their schedule) against three of the ILB’s bottom four teams — the Lift, Georgias, and Worms. They won 18 of those games and got 2 additional Wins from Sun 2 against the Lift, accounting for just under ⅓ of their total Wins. That’s not to discount the Tacos’ overall accomplishments: they only lost consecutive games on five separate occasions, and would regularly rattle off 6- or 7-game Win streaks. But getting to spend some quality time with the ILB’s newest teams was certainly not something Tacos fans were complaining about, either.

Frijoles: Thanks so much, Ace. Your insights have definitely given me a clearer picture of the Tacos’ performance in this remarkable season.

We’ll wrap up with a recap of some of the major events of the season:

• Construction began at Al Pastor Memorial Park, with fans opting to build the popular Boreal model for their team.
• The Tacoganda machine encouraged fans to idolize pitcher Peanut Bong and hitter Sutton Picklestein (RIV), ultimately getting them both MVP status. Wheerer was also made an MVP by the Coin.
  
• The Tacos entered the Postseason with the highest number of Wins and Non-Losses in the League.
• The Tacos got swept by the Crabs in the Internet Series, but they didn’t let the Crabs shut them out either, scoring 3 runs in the first two games and 1 in the third.
• The team was Blessed by Sun 2 in the Election. They looped 4 times this Season, but if they can improve upon their relatively low number of runs next Season, we could see a notable boost in the team’s performance.
• Mcdowell Mason was Infused; given Wheerer’s improved performance this Season, we’re looking forward to see how McMason will do next Season.
• Nicholas Vincent has emerged from the Shadows, swapping places with Vito Kravitz. This brings some power to the bottom of the lineup and could prove to be just what the Tacos need to break through the defense we’re seeing from teams like the Crabs.
• The entire team got further boosts from Flotation Bubbles, along with the rest of the Wild Low. Historically a weaker division, we’re excited to watch all the Wild Low teams next Season.
• Taco Baco

Many thanks to the folks at the Society for Internet Blaseball Research for blaseball-reference.com and all the other tools they’ve created to help us all keep up with this rapidly-changing splort. 

The post Tacos Good? A look at the performance of Season 13’s Wild League Champion(!) appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

In Season 11, the Tacos made it to the Division Series, playing against the Tigers. The strength of their lineup allowed them to rack up additional Wins in Sun 2 weather, increasing their ranking in their division perhaps more than their overall team stats would suggest.

They saw no such success in Season 12, finishing at the bottom of Wild Low (aside from Division newcomers the Ohio Worms, who arrived during the Latesiesta and didn’t play this season) with only 38 Non-Losses. That said, the Tacos did lead the entire ILB in extra Wins, with 41 total, 3 more than their Non-Losses.

(They’re followed by the Tigers, Jazz Hands and Garages, with 2 extra Wins; then the Wild Wings and Sunbeams, with 1 extra Win. The Firefighters, Fridays, Moist Talkers and Magic all finished with 1 fewer Win than their Non-Losses; the Steaks with 2 fewer Wins; and the Breath Mints with 4 fewer Wins. Everyone else broke even.)

With such a poor record this season, there weren’t a lot of standout performances, but there were still some notable Tacos Moments.

Halexandrey Walton’s Perk allowed her to Overperform a few times over the course of the season. She had an allergic reaction on Day 87, losing 4.2 stars. She regained 1 of them with a boost to her Baserunning thanks to Wind Sprints, the blessing the team received in the Election, although she’s lost a whole star of Batting, and her Baserunning is still lower than it was before she ate that peanut.

McDowell Mason had his blood drained twice, once by Richmond Harrison, lowering his Batting, and once by Isaac Johnson, lowering his Pitching.

Valentine Games had her Baserunning drained by Richmond Harrison, losing half a star, only to gain it back after the Election. She also Partied, and is now a 6-star batter. Games came in 3rd in Home Runs for the season with 39, just 3 fewer than the season leader Nagomi Mcdaniel. With a performance boost from her Partying and Wind Sprints blessing, she’s sure to continue to impress.

Basilio Mason also had some blood drained by Isaac Johnson, reducing his Batting.

Rat Mason visited Elsewhere during a flood on Day 97. He came back in the final game of the season, apparently fine, if a bit damp.

Sexton Wheerer chatted with his Bird friends from the pitcher’s mound a couple of times, although it didn’t do much good. Perhaps his Bird friends have found out about his pregame bird-eating. He was Infused in the election, receiving 4.7 stars, bringing his Pitching stars up to 4 from its previous 2.5.

Vito Kravitz continued his affair with ground outs.

Basilio Fig was around.

Then there’s the big one. On Day 56, Peanut Bong pitched a game against the Sunbeams in Peanuts weather. After the Wyatt Quitter shelling earlier in the season, everyone was watching this game closely, and sure enough, in the 10th inning, he tasted the infinite and shelled Nerd Pacheco (who was then traded to the Tigers for star batter Aldon Cashmoney in the Election).

Peanut Bong was then sent to the Shadows, gaining half a star in Batting. Yummy Elliott replaced him in the rotation. Elliott is as anticapitalistic as they come, and with 3 pitching stars, Tacos fans are excited to watch the team’s new pitcher next season.

With the Wind Sprints blessing granting the whole lineup additional baserunning ability and their new and infused pitchers, the LA Unlimited Tacos are in good shape for next season. Fans are looking forward to the beginning of renovations at Al Pastor Memorial Park and cheering on their speedier Tacos no matter what weather comes their way.

The post LA Unlimited Tacos Season 12 and Election Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Author: Pastime “Frijoles” Jones

The Coffee Cup Finals

The Tacos’ own Halexandrey Walton made it to the finals of the Coffee Cup with her teammates on Inter Xpresso, and they were up against a serious challenger, FWXBC, who’d beaten the Society Data Witches in 3 games in the semi-finals.

FWXBC vs. Inter Xpresso

FWXBC took the lead early in game 1, with Thomas Dracaena and Summers Preston both hitting home runs in the 1st inning. Dracaena followed his first home run of the game up with another in the 3rd inning, and Nagomi Nava stole home after getting caught earlier, pushing their lead to 4-0, and then pushed ahead by another 0.3 unruns when Arturo Huerta struck out Sandy Turner. Xpresso finally started scoring in the 5th inning, closing the lead until they were just 0.6 runs behind. And the score stayed at 3.4 to 4 in favor of FWXBC until the 7th inning, when Vapor, Walton, and Turner scored two runs, thanks to a double from Walton. From there, they were off, with some base thievery from Glabe Moon and a couple of home runs from Baby Doyle and Vapor. Xpresso won game 1 of the finals 11.4 to 5.

In Game 2, Summers Pony, pitching for FWXBC, didn’t give Xpresso a chance to utilize their powerhouse lineup. Cornelius Games wasn’t giving up anything to FWXBC either, though, and no one scored until the bottom of the 6th, when Baby Doyle hit a home run for Xpresso. Nagomi Nava came back with her own home run at the top of the 9th, tying it up again, and the game went into extra innings. At the bottom of the 12th, it was still tied, at 2-2, when Glabe Moon hit the second home run for Xpresso, winning the game.

After a tough game 2, Xpresso came out swinging in game 3, with home runs from Doyle, Walton, Ren Morin, and Vapor, all in the first 5 innings. Walton brought out another home run in the 9th inning, and Inter Xpresso won the game and the Coffee Cup.

So, after all that…

Well, that was long. It’s a good thing I made myself another cup of coffee.

The Coffee Cup certainly livened up the Grand Siesta, letting ILB players stretch their arms and legs (and/or various other appendages), and even bringing in some new blaseball players for fans to root for.

When the Cup concluded, the current Boss of the ILB congratulated Inter Xpresso, told everyone to have a good Siesta, and reminded us that when blaseball returns, there will be Snacks.

Everyone on Inter Xpresso received Percolated energy. As per usual, no one knew what this meant. We now know it can occasionally allow a player to “Perk Up” and give them a 20% boost for a game.

But this excessively long article is supposed to be about the Tacos, so let’s summarize.

Halexandrey Walton saw the most game time, stepping up to the plate 68 times in total, with 5 home runs, just 8 strikeouts, and a 0.985 OPS.

However, Walton was outperformed in most areas by Valentine Games, who managed 4 home runs in just 47 appearances at the plate and an impressive 1.447 OPS in the Cup.

Mcdowell Mason performed well in the five games he got to play, with a batting average higher than his regular season average, and 4.5 runs batted in with just 17 appearances at the plate.

Vito Kravitz didn’t quite match his regular season performance, batting 0.200 with just a 0.520 OPS in the Cup. He’s only got a 0.214 regular season BA, but his OPS is at 0.688, and he’s got more home runs to his name than some of his teammates with higher stats, so it’s unfortunate that he didn’t get a chance to do more in the Cup.

Rat Mason and Basilio Fig also didn’t have great showings. Their Coffee Cup team didn’t make it past Round 1, so neither of them had a chance to really get going, and in the few games they played, neither of them managed a single home run, or even a run batted in.

The Tacos pitchers Sexton Wheerer and Peanut Bong both made it to Round 2 and earned themselves some batting stats. Wheerer’s OPS was 0.512, and he even got the chance to hit a home run. Bong had a lot of outs, but he also ran 11 total bases—more than everyone but Games and Walton.

In conclusion, well, some Tacos played some blaseball. Coffee fell from the sky (or space?), and, we can assume, was likely consumed in great quantities. Games were won. Games were lost. And Games herself did what she does best and hit a bunch of blaseballs really hard. And that about sums it up. This has been Frijoles Jones, roving reporter, bringing you the Tacos news you probably didn’t ask for.

The post Coffee and Tacos, Part 3: The Champions appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Author: Pastime “Frijoles” Jones

Atlético Latte vs. Cold Brew Crew

Atlético was favored to win this matchup after winning their first game 9 to 4. Games made a good showing, getting Tired, un-Tired, and hitting a home run in quick succession, and later hitting a double and scoring the final run of the game.

Games followed a great first game up with another home run in game 2, but this time Cold Brew Crew won with 5 runs to Atlético’s 3.5.

Atlético then won game 3, with 6.5 to 3. Cold Brew came back to take game 4. Atlético got one home run in at the very start but couldn’t manage to score otherwise. Games had a couple of off days.

Finally, Games was back in form for game 5, with her second home run of the Cup, scoring for herself and for Igneus Delacruz. Atlético cinched their place in Round 2 with a half-run scored at the very end of the game for a final score of 6.5 to 6.

Royal PoS vs. Milk Proxy Society

Meanwhile, two pairs of Tacos were facing off: Rat Mason and Basilio Fig for Royal PoS, vs. Sexton Wheerer and Vito Kravitz for Milk Proxy Society. 

In game 1, Rat tried their best but couldn’t quite make anything happen.Fig hit their signature triple, but didn’t get a chance to score. On the other team, Wheerer hit his first single in the third inning. Kravitz also got a single but also couldn’t manage to score. While none of the Tacos players did much in Game 1, Milk Proxy won with a respectable 5 to 1.

In game 2, former Taco Wyatt Pothos pitched a shutout for Milk Proxy. Wheerer hit a double but didn’t score any of Milk Proxy’s 5 runs, nor did Kravitz.

Milk Proxy Society secured their victory in game 3 with a definitive 10 runs, one of which was Kravitz’s, thanks to a dinger from Goodwin Morin. Royal PoS managed to score 4.5, but the Rat and the Fig had underwhelming performances. 

Real Game Band vs. Macchiato City

Macchiato City went up against Real Game Band, whose players were Percolated by a mysterious Saucer with a Tractor Bean. One by one they vanished, shortening their roster until by the end of the final game, they only had four batters and one pitcher.

Despite this being these players’ first outing and the Saucer menacing them from above, Game Band took the first game 4 to 0. Peanut Bong did his best, we assume. Let’s be honest: the Macchiato City fans weren’t there to see him.

Perhaps despite Peanut Bong’s presence in the lineup, Macchiato got it together for game 2, scoring 4 runs, but Game Band still managed to win with 5.5. Were we looking at an upset, with an untested and increasingly Percolated team moving onto Round 2?

No. Perhaps it was Peanut Bong’s constant optimism: Macchiato turned it around in game 3, winning 8 to 2.5, and the one-star batter managed to hit his first single and make it around the bases while Wired, scoring 1.5 of those 8 runs.

And he kept it up in game 4, scoring twice after two more singles, and then drawing a walk, stealing second base, and scoring once more—turns out he and Margarito Nava were a good pair. Macchiato won this game 13 to 6.

Peanut Bong managed one more single in the final inning of game 5, which Macchiato won 5 to 3.5, finally securing their place in Round 2. 

Americano Water Works vs. Inter Xpresso

Two of the Tacos’ best hitters, Halexandrey Walton and Mcdowell Mason, were pitted against each other in this first round matchup.

In game 1, they each got in a couple of good hits for their respective teams, as you’d expect from these seasoned sluggers. Xpresso won the first game 4.5 to 2.5.

Game 2 went to the Americano Water Works 5.5 to 2.5. Mason proved that he’s a great teammate with a sacrifice fly after Patel Beyonce’s triple, while Walton had no luck at the plate.

Game 3 was all about the pitchers: Sam Scandal of the Dallas Steaks pitched a shutout for the Water Works, while the Sunbeams’ Sutton Bishop, pitching for Inter Xpresso, only gave up one run, a dinger from Beyonce. 

Xpresso came back to win game 4, 8 to 4.5. Walton drew a walk twice and stole second once, she couldn’t quite make it back home. Mason hit a nice double but couldn’t score.

Xpresso won the round in the final game, scoring 10.5 to to the Water Works’ 5. This time Mason did manage to score, while Walton’s unlucky streak continued, although she got the opportunity to try to break that streak in Round 2.

Round 2

Rat Mason, Basilio Fig, and Mcdowell Mason didn’t make it to Round 2, but the rest of the Tacos played on. Only Halexandrey Walton ended up making it through, but let’s take a look at how Round 2 went down.

Atlético Latte vs. Society Data Witches

The Society Data Witches beat Cream & Sugar United in their first three games, quickly becoming fan favorites. In Round 2, they were up against Atlético, and the matchup was drawn out to all five games.

Atlético didn’t have the best start, although Games did come through with a double in the 6th inning, giving them the lead. That ended up being the team’s last run of the game, though, while the Data Witches racked up three more with one huge dinger from Turing Capybara.

After that loss, Atlético got their feet under them and scored 11 to the Data Witches’ 5 in game 2, cashing in on Free Refills and hitting 3 home runs. None of those home runs were Games’s, but she did score after a nice triple.

In game 3, Games scored on another triple, but the Data Witches’ Zero Index wasn’t letting Atlético run away with another game, and the Data Witches won 4 to 2.

Game 4 went back to Atlético, 10 to 3.5. They had a massive 3rd inning, cycling through their whole lineup and scoring all 10 of their runs for the game. Igneus Delacruz, Peanutiel Duffy, and Games all hit 2-run home runs, and we saw some great plays from others as well, some of whom took advantage of their Free Refills and Wired statuses to great effect.

In Game 5, the Data Witches got a huge 4.5 run lead in the 1st inning with a grand slam from Batista Oatmilk, and then in the 5th, Oatmilk did it again with a 2-run dinger, followed by a great double and third base steal from Major Arcana, bringing their lead up to 8-0. Atlético Latte finally got on the board at the bottom of the 5th, and built up to 7, including a run from Games. They were in position to snatch the game and the round from the Data witches, with two out and bases loaded at the bottom of the 9th, but they couldn’t make it happen and the Data Witches won 8 to 7, moving onto Round 3 and eliminating Atlético Latte and Valentine Games from the Cup.

FWXBC vs. Milk Proxy Society

Sexton Wheerer, Vito Kravitz and the rest of Milk Proxy Society faced FWXBC in Round 2. They were up against a challenging opponent, highly ranked by Blaseball Prospectus as a contender for the cup, and Milk Proxy couldn’t quite manage to bring them down.

In game 1, FWXBC quickly gained a 7-run lead. Kravitz hit a 2-run dinger, but Milk Proxy couldn’t close the lead and FWXBC won 8.5 to 4.5.

Game 2 also went to FWXBC, 4 to 2, but Wheerer finally had his moment with a home run and a Free Refill in the 8th inning.

Milk Proxy won game 3 on the strength of Qais Dogwalker’s pitching, shutting out FWXBC, andWheerer hit a single allowing Goodwin Morin to score after his own single and a sneaky theft of second base.

But FWXBC came back in game 4 with three home runs in the first three innings, overcoming Pothos’s pitching and ultimately winning 5 to 3 and moving on to Round 3.

Club de Calf vs. Macchiato City

In this Round 2 matchup, Peanut Bong and his team faced Club de Calf, who had beaten Light & Sweet Electric Co. in game 5 of the first round after losing the first two games by a wide margin.

In game 1, Bong hit a single and was on base for Fish Summer’s grand slam in the 1st inning, and then made it around the bases again in the 7th. Macchiato won the game 15 to 5 as they just kept getting hit after hit. 

Club de Calf took games 2 and 3, but they were close: 5 to 4 and 1 to 0.5. Bong was finding his footing at the plate, with another single and even a double.

Game 4 saw more runs than both the previous games combined, but none of them were Bong’s. He got Beaned a few times, but couldn’t get on base.

Finally in game 5, Club de Calf established a 7-run lead early on and then just kept going, beating Macchiato City 16 to 6 and securing their place in Round 3. Peanut Bong joined his fellow eliminated Tacos on the sidelines.

Heavy FC vs. Inter Xpresso

Inter Xpresso went up against [FOGHORN SOUND] in Round 2 after beating the favored Americano Water Works in Round 1, and Blaseball Prospectus favored them to win Round 2.

In game 1, Walton hit a triple but didn’t have the chance to bring it home. Her team still won 2 to 1, getting in one last run in the 9th inning and holding onto that small lead to the end.

Xpresso took the lead early in game 2, but the Garages’ Oliver Notarobot hit back-to-back home runs in the 5th and 6th innings, giving Heavy FC the lead, and they held onto it, winning 6 to 3.

Walton hit her first home run of the Coffee Cup in game 3, scoring for herself and Knight Triumphant, and regaining the lead for her team. In an eventful 8th inning, she hit a sacrifice fly after Commissioner Vapor’s triple, in between three more home runs from her teammates. Xpresso won 11 to 4.

In game 4, [FOGHORN NOISE] for an early lead, but huge hits from Baby Doyle and Knight Triumphant put Xpresso on the board in the 6th inning. Then Knight Triumphant scored off Commissioner Vapor’s single while both of them were Wired, putting them up by 2, and they held onto that lead, winning the game 7 to 5 and progressing to Round 3.

Round 3

Round 3 of the Coffee Cup was about the pitching as Coffee 3s weather appeared, bringing with it Unruns. Halexandrey Walton and her Xpresso teammates were up against Club de Calf, who took down some more favored teams to get here. Meanwhile, FWXBC was playing the Society Data Witches, fan favorite underdogs and the only new team to make it past Round 1.

Club de Calf vs. Inter Xpresso

In game 1, the score was -0.3 to 0 after the 1st inning, as Tokyo Lift’s Cudi Di Batterino, pitching for Club de Calf, struck out Baby Doyle and scored 0.3 Unruns. Despite the start from behind, Xpresso seized the lead quickly, and didn’t stop once they got going. Walton hit a 2-run home run, the fourth for Xpresso in the game, and they won 6.4 to 2.

Game 2 was less eventful, with strong pitching from Theodore Cervantes only giving up one run to de Calf, while Xpresso managed two for the win.

And then Inter Xpresso secured themselves a place in the final on day 13 of the Coffee Cup, as they gave it their all, scoring 11 runs to Club de Calf’s 1, with another four home runs, one from Walton, and a couple of sacrifice plays, again with one of them by Walton.

Stay tuned for the final portion of our recap of the Tacos in the Coffee Cup, where we’ll crown a champion and look at how all of our favorite players did in the event.

The post Coffee and Tacos, Part 2: The Cup Begins appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Author: Pastime “Frijoles” Jones

Coffee. It’s served in cups and infused into desserts, but during Internet League Blaseball’s Coffee Cup, we saw it falling from the sky (or possibly space, given the presence of the flying saucer that Percolated Real Game Band in the first round). Coffee weather Beaned players, making them Wired or Tired and increasing or decreasing the value of their runs by 50%; Coffee 2 weather Poured Over, granting Free Refills to be redeemed upon scoring; Coffee 3s provided pitchers with a Third Wave brew to chug, giving them the ability to score unruns.

The Coffee Cup saw the players from our beloved ILB teams split up into 13 new teams based on players’ coffee preferences, and they were joined by three teams from outside the League to fill out the bracket. As a roving reporter following the Unlimited Tacos throughout Los Angeli and beyond, I’ve watched each of the Tacos players in the Cup as they played on six different Coffee Cup teams.

So without further ado, let’s take a look at how they performed during the inaugural Coffee Cup.

Halexandrey Walton playing for Inter Xpresso

Halexandrey Walton has been with the Tacos since season 5, and she’s an essential powerhouse. She brought her solid slugging and good defense to Inter Xpresso, joining a solid lineup with no real weak spots. She’s not as flashy as Valentine Games, but she performed well in Season 11, hitting some career highs.

Mcdowell Mason playing for Americano Water Works

Mcdowell Mason joined a pretty strong batting lineup, bringing 4 stars to the Water Works. He’s another one of the Tacos’ heavy hitters, bringing the all-important 2 in the 1-2-3 combo along with Walton and Games. 

Valentine Games playing for Atlético Latte

Valentine Games led Atlético’s lineup as team captain. With 5.5 batting stars she’s a great slugger and runner, with the highest home runs and second highest on-base percentage for the Tacos overall. It’s no wonder that she’s a popular idol.

Rat Mason and Basilio Fig playing for Royal PoS

Rat Mason and Basilio Fig both joined the Royal PoS lineup, which was led by Dudley Mueller, who helped bring the Hellmouth Sunbeams to victory in the Season 11 Postseason Finals.

Rat Mason is greeted with chants of RAT AT BAT from fans each time they step up to the plate. They’ve had downs and ups, with an allergic reaction in Season 6 and then a boost in Season 7, but they’ve been a vital part of the Tacos lineup since the beginning. Rat has the highest overall regular season batting average among the Tacos, and he also had a great Season 11.

Basilio Fig is another longtime Taco, although they began their ILB career with the Hawai’i Fridays during Season 3 before joining the newly-Unlimited Tacos via feedback swap in Season 4. While they’d love a chance to pitch, they hold their own at the plate.

Sexton Wheerer and Vito Kravitz playing for Milk Proxy Society

Two Tacos also joined Milk Proxy Society: Sexton Wheerer and Vito Kravitz. They joined a strong team that looked like it could go all the way if they got just a bit of luck in the first round.

Wheerer got the chance to pick up a bat—surely a welcome change after pitching every other game all season. His batting is probably about as good as his pitching, that is to say, average at best.

Kravitz closes out the Tacos’ lineup. He’s got a respectable number of home runs to his name over the course of his career, and he’s shown significant improvement over the years, especially in his slugging and on base percentage.

Peanut Bong playing for Macchiato City

Finally, Peanut Bong is the newest Taco, joining the team as a pitcher after the Shelled One was defeated at the end of Season 10. With just one star in both pitching and batting, he’s not exactly a highly-coveted player, but nevertheless it was nice to see him get to step up to bat.

Stay tuned for the next part of this recap, as we explore how the Tacos fared in the Coffee Cup!

The post Coffee and Tacos, Part 1: Setting the Scene appeared first on Blaseball News Network.