Boston Flowers

Having finally rolled a very good team the Boston Flowers were spoiled for choice for our Charge. Our best pitcher, Rosemary Penguin took an early lead due to holding the incredible feat of being undefeated all the way to the Midsea-

FEEDBACK DETECTED

PEYTON DRYSDALE AND SQUID BROOM WERE SWITCHED IN THE FEEDBACK.

A new challenger arrived from the Yellowstone Magic. Squid Broom was a beloved player by fans since their hatching due to their name. Squid Broom’s personality is as straightforward as you can get. Please imagine a squid. Please imagine a broom. There you go, that’s Squid Broom.

FEEDBACK DETECTED

SQUID BROOM AND LUCIUS PRINCE WERE SWITCHED IN THE FEEDBACK.

Oh. They got Feedbacked again and are on the Fridays now… except that’s not true. Owing to a “Feature,” certain weather-induced player moves un-happened. Squid Broom was still on the Boston Flowers roster and available for Charging even though their player page listed them on the Hawai’i Fridays. 

The Flowers chose to lean into the opportunity to commit a data crime and charged Squid Broom, or more accurately the Fridays charged Squid Broom in addition to their chosen charge Moth Frosting. 

The Flowers now only have two static players, and the Fridays have four and no one has any idea what that’ll mean for the future. Data Crimes!

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

For the third Circuit in a row, the Jazz Hands had terrible pitching and not-good-enough batting. In the first week, we quickly fell to the bottom of the standings, barely above our long term rivals, the (contemptible) Moist Talkers. We spent the week excited for the Fiesta, and voted leadoff hitter Zee Phantom our party host.

In the Fiesta, we partied a lot Game 1, lost Game 2, and broke Blaseball in Game 3. Squid Psst cemented their status as a Jazz Hands legend by pitching two games simultaneously, getting Night Shifted in one, and Frozen in the other. We split Game 3 with the Pies to end our 3 game series tied 2-2, and somehow “advanced” the next round, only to see it cancelled due to noise complaints.

Like many teams, we choose to host a Sunday Mixer, which accidentally morphed into a Formal. The Divinity boost supercharged our Lineup of inconsistent Home Run hitters, propelling us to a slightly less terrible performance in Week 2. We somehow managed to win two Bloods in the midweek Blood Jam session, gaining Fire blood for “ace” pitcher Lily Cole, and Electric blood for Squid’s Night Shift replacement Troy Bowman. Unfortunately, we never got a shot at the Title Belt, and failed to qualify for the Postseason.

Zee Phantom had been an early Charge favourite, but Lily Cole rapidly overtook them in Week 2. Lily gained many fans by taking Game 1 of the Fiesta to extra innings so they could party before throwing the game winning strike out— a Shakespearean performance which reminded us of our beloved Lowe Forbes. Lily’s solid performance in week two and acquisition of Fire blood made them the clear choice to Charge, a decision I’m sure none of us will come to regret.

–deafhobbit

Core Mechanics 

After being presented our team roster for the Circuit, the Mechanics were in a partying mood— after all, being an average team in the strongest division in the League was just the thing to have to make it far in the Midseason Fiesta, or even win it for the promised prize! To top it off, we’d have a lot of chances for partying to make a good run at the second half of the season, so everything was looking great for a successful season. 

Other than missing a chance at getting another Bees Manhattan (the Mechs previously charged a player of the same name last Short Circuit), the first week of regular season play went about as expected, we declared our favourite bad pitcher Zebrina Vincent our Guest of Honour, even got a First Round Bye to start the Fiesta…

What do you mean, the Fiesta got cancelled after the first round? That was not the plan.

Silver lining: the Title Belt still was a fun feature for the Mechs, being holders of one of the two contested belts for way longer than we should’ve been, finally losing it to the San Francisco Lovers after an eventful and confusing 40-day reign. 

The rest of the season was marked by a flurry of Peanuts, with two Allergic and two Yummy reactions happening on our roster. Both yummy reactions happened on Pedro Vixen, an already strong pitcher who ended up almost Expansion Era shaped because of it. After much deliberation, Pedro Vixen was also selected as the team’s Charge target, as they always respected excellence in pitching. Just need to fix our lineup in the next Era, hopefully.

– Nitro (N1tr00#8811 on Discord)

Kansas City Breath Mints

Ball 1-0. Ball 2-0. Ball 3-0. Boat Hamless draws a walk.

In Kansas City, Boat Hamless’ plate appearances were so regular you could set your watch by them. The method by which they achieved this differed depending on who you asked— some argue that a boat has no identifiable strike zone, others that Hamless had some sort of psychic barrier that repelled strikes, and one opposing pitcher claimed “They just, like, stand there. Menacingly.” Whatever the cause, fans agreed that Boat’s incredible walk rate, OBP and league leading OPS (ignoring, as another reporter put it, undead invaders from another universe) merited a Charge into the Microphone, optimistic they’ll return to lead the League in walks again.

But Boat alone didn’t win the Breath Mints our second ring! Tube Rust was second in the League for Wins, Yuri O’Lantern had a phenomenal postseason BA of 0.407 and Liv Blather and Levar Downey used their Monitor-approved Blood to improve their performances. Most daringly of all, Layla Chambers pulled off the rarely seen but highly effective “catch fire in the postseason, get replaced with a better pitcher who pitches a save” manoeuvre. A brief timeline of events, with time given relative to the Material plane:

11:08pm UTC: Layla lets in three runs from the Worms

11:09pm UTC: Three fans comment “i don’t care if we win as long as layla dies”, “layla go in the fire ,” “has anyone actually been incined this season?”

11:10pm UTC: Rogue Umpire incinerated Layla Chambers! 

Kale Torch then led the team to victory, sporting no losses in their incredibly short career. Wherever they are, I hope they’re enjoying a nice retirement party with the Monitor. And I hope the Mints claim another ring in the Next Era!

• Finn

Miami Dale

Season Cinema was one of the better batters on the Dale, holding the team record for homers, sacrifice plays, and-

Wait, this article was supposed to be about our season? Not our Season?

Well, the Miami Dale had something that could certainly be called a season. The Lineup looked promising with bright stars in the form of Season Cinema, William Heat, Lamar Diomira, and Grace Ray. We also had some incredibly good names in the form of Snake Johns, Stone Pretzel, Season Cinema, and William Heat!

Our rotation? Not so much. Norris Manhattan was our only real superstar, but Emma Bark was ruthless despite her 0.4 stars. Which was bad, because we wanted to be good. Or was it good because we wanted to be bad?

Our goals were conflicting, which proved to be our downfall. We scraped past the Midseason Fiesta, couldn’t clutch it in time for the Playoffs, and choked when we got in through Title Belt power.

Now, a keen-eyed reader will notice that the player we Staticked, Adeline Revelry, is not a ‘star.’ They were more of an underwhelming pitcher who was Frozen more often than not.

But the one key trait that put them above all the other contenders (besides their impeccable name) was Blood Jams Vol. I. The wimd blew in our favor and we snatched Electric blood from the Garages in a repeat of history. And it couldn’t have gone to a more appropriately named player.

Despite all the Features, all the losses, and all the Title Belt shenanigans, this is certain to be a circuit the Dale will remember. At least, the ones who were watching will.

CLEAR FLESH CAN’T LOSE MAX VELOCITY DALE!

-Mango (guzmania#4173 on Discord)

New York Millennials

The Gamme 4 Millennials have been a fun bunch to watch; living completely normal lives until a Microphone emerged in the sky and forcing them to play Blaseball, each of them offered something interesting. Irene Fashion, Coyote Stone, Max Quigley, and Calvin Nether had a strong core in our Lineup. Violeta Cantu led the Mills in Triples, Cy Knives and Harold Castillo held their own, and even Cynthia Chalk and Markus Torch would impress with the occasional stolen base and home run.

The pitching staff was mostly solid, with Mordecai Damage sporting a respectable 2.41 ERA. Asher Juice, Dazzy Deng, and Loner Shelley pitched well, and Daniel Darko… was our Guest of Honor!

Loner Shelley would stand out the most for us, however. A deadpan cosmologist getting the first yummy reaction to a peanut since the Discipline Era, even the Shelled .1 deemed them its progeny. A combination of intense fan interest, solid stats all around, and highly sought after Relevancy (a rare feat among Mills), Loner Shelley was our Charge. While we didn’t perform poorly, we managed to stand out, play about average, and have some memorable moments. Whether it was defeating the Crabs in two simultaneous games, almost facing ourselves in the Fiesta, or Irene receiving a Jersey of Invitation to feature cameos of Deceased players from across universes, I’m proud of these players.

–Clip Clipperson

Yellowstone Magic

The final Short Circuit had us more divided than any other Circuit before it— but that wasn’t a bad thing.

 While it looked like we were going to have a singular star player in Squid Broom, them becoming a Flower meant that we had a better chance to see our team as a whole. While we did have players who performed consistently well, there was no longer a singular player on which all of our attention was focused. 

Peyton Drysdale and Isaac Puffins were both fearsome baserunners. Henri Kraal and Kay Pleck could hit the ball good. Slosh Chalk had a funny name and played well. Not only was our team statistically well-rounded but it felt like everyone was being equally appreciated by us adoring fans. Everyone had their favourite. And in the end, 56% of our adoration was poured into Errol Wool, our final Charge. 

Not only was Wool the only of Magic’s Charges to be in the Lineup rather than rotation, but there was also no one reason as to why they got our last burst of support. 

Though Errol was our Guest of Honor, their buffs from partying ended up being undone by the Ruthless onslaught of Snow, leaving them statistically worse than they started. Instead, we were charmed by the irresistible adoration of a player who was popularly perceived as a sheep. Punny cheers were too good to let go. The image of Charging that thick fluffy fleece with electricity evoked images that we couldn’t pass up. For some, it was simply that “Errol Wool” felt really good to say. Our varied reasoning behind charging Wool is a great reflection of how we experienced these last two weeks as a whole. 

This Circuit, it wasn’t all about the numbers. It was also about the love.

Mal (malgic#8522 on Discord)

And a final note – BNN relies on reports from readers like you to fill out articles! If you’d like to contribute something in the future, head on over to our discord!

The post The Last Dance: Short Circuit 3 Uptempo Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Welcome to what we hope will become a regular series of articles, reporting on the charged players in each circuit. We’re starting out with Frozen Sky since we had several BNN reporters who focus on these teams— with luck, we will be able to produce more articles like this in the future!

Boston Flowers

The hero…. the record setter… the legend… Lyra Vitamin! They were the Boston Flowers first Charge and the powerhouse leading the League in several categories while setting records in Boston.

Jose Gravy, the Boston Flowers Charge in Short Circuit 3, was not quite that. Short Circuit 3 had blessed the Boston Flowers with a team who excelled in one thing and one thing only, entering Party Time. Despite that, Gravy was certainly our best player.

By the time the Mid-Season Election rolled around Jose Gravy had taken the lead in several batting categories, and they didn’t slow down afterwards. 

Jose Gravy won the Snow Mittens, heavily improving their defence, and the Teams as a whole.  The Feet Warmers Amplification didn’t go to waste either, Gravy was spotted walking onto first, and then stealing their way back home.

Their opposition in discussions about who to Charge was Lila Icicle, who you may have heard of before for being incredibly bad. Icicle was the last batter in the Circuit to hit the ball, and was either the worst overall or next to it in pretty much every imaginable metric of batting skill.

Having terrible batters isn’t news to the Flowers, Icicle had the third worst OPS+ in Blaseball history*, behind two fellow Flowers Moses Mason and Salih Ultrabass.

Icicles’ habit of getting Frozen, however, was extremely funny in relation to their name.

Once more the Boston Flowers felt themselves torn between a loveable skilled player, and a loveable terrible player. The Team loved both players, but internal Team polling on the discord made it clear, Jose Gravy was set to go on a journey to the great static in the sky. 

In the end the Team successfully Discharged Gravy with a respectable 64% of their Charge votes.

With one good player and one legendary player now Charged, it’s looking like the Boston Flowers are hoping they will one day see these players return to play with the Boston Flowers again. Let’s Grow!

* – Over a 90+ Game period 

–Kidror

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

The Jazz have taken a very relaxed approach to the Short Circuits voting. We don’t know what charging does, so we have been “Free Jazzing” every Election. Though only one player can win, so two players became the front runners. 

Hester Scythe has something the prime universe Jazz team has needed forever, pitching stars. Had Hester been a pitcher they would have been the best pitcher in this universe (until Giannis got the Fist).

Prometheus Bug is a fan favorite. They have a top tier name, had fun upshelling campaign, great baserunning and fan loyalty, and are just a solid batter. 

Hester Scythe managed to eke out the charge vote win. Based on Jazz Hands tracked votes it was a close to 50/50 race. If charging does eventually involve the prime universe the Jazz hope that the team’s pitching will get a needed boost, but also hope that Hester never picks up a bat again.  

-Malst (Malst#9560 on Discord)

Canada Moist Talkers

This circuit, the Talkers voted to Charge Saturday Elder. After coming first in the league in the main season, the Talkers went on to win the championship, and Saturday’s performance is in no small part responsible for this victory! Their main season performance was good (0.283 BA, and 0.887 OPS), but with a postseason BA of 0.423 and OPS of 1.271, they were the star of the postseason.

SIBRmetrics aside, though, there is a wonderful story involving Saturday that led to their popularity among fans. On Day Seven, the Moist Talkers faced off against the Hawai’i Fridays. After nine Innings, the Talkers were down 5-2. The Fridays’ pitcher Byran Bono wasn’t particularly strong– Bono would go on to sport an ERA of 5.30 for the season– but they were having a good outing. Tilda Dasher and Nico Haycox went up to bat and hit a ground out and flyout respectively. Three runs down, and with two Outs in the final inning, even to devout fans the game seemed lost.

But then the incredible happened– Valkyrie Domski, second worst batter on the team by OPS, hit a double on the first pitch! Three walks from Bing Assiri, Jasper Coven and Carin Burns followed; the score was now 5-3 with Valkyrie safely at home again. Kinsley Reed hit a double to tie up the score, and now not only a victory but Shame was within reach!

Saturday Elder up to bat. Two balls, and then– a single! Saturday Shamed the Fridays! They went on to steal a base and get batted in by Sasha Baths, before Tilda Dasher hit a ground out to end the game. This inning had seen the Talkers come from behind to score five runs and Shame the Fridays, and every one of their batters saw play. What a performance!

Saturday became a fan favourite after this, with the fans proudly chanting “Saturdays are made for Dads!” to spur on this superb batter. As one fan put it, they were charged for their high spits and hits, and I hope we get to see similar stories and performances from Saturday in the future!

–Finn

Hades Tigers

After the amazing discharge of Rat Love (have you heard of Rat Love?), The Tigers cuddled up in a snowy cloud of frozen sloth and took a nap. Lovely dreams of rats dancing through empty heads. And thus the stage is set for a well deserved slumber party.

Initial review of the new roster told fans one thing: these Tigers suck. This alone was enough for a somber celebration. But more, we are now lighter than air as Hades freezes over. In typical Tiger nature, our new roster had a mighty thirst for base and an inability to throw a ball. Amusingly, that thirst was not matched with any capacity to actually steal. Meaning ridiculous plays as dizzy Tigers fell over each other trying to round the diamond.

So, with a yawn. One solitary fan picked pitcher Ethan Rivet. Alone making up 39% of the total vote. When asked for comment, this stripe stated: ”I liked the name and didn’t want to not spend my votes.”

So congratulations to Ethan Rivet. Among the Tiger’s pitchers, second best. In the context of this circuit— not objectively awful.

Many Stripes, One Sleepy Tiger.

-Khalvin8 (Khalvin8#1127 on Discord)

Kansas City Breath Mints

In the Mid-Season Election, the Breath Mints won the Snow Shovel. Saoirse Singh’s Snow Shovel (try saying that three times fast) was a core component of the Breath Mints’ offense, with a much-improved BA and OPS post-election (and starting from a solid base). Their offensive SIBRmetrics with the shovel, as calculated by one fan, were .312 BA / .387 OBP / .688 SLG / 1.075 OPS (179 OPS+). The OPS+ metric evaluates batting performance against the league average, and roughly translates to Singh producing 79% more runs than the average player– a wonderful performance!

They were, however, not the only batter considered for a Charge. When Breath Mints fans convened for our Parliamint, we were unable to choose between Saoirse Singh and Maisy Geiger. Geiger’s performance over the same period was comparable, and in fact sported an OPS+ of 216! Some fans, hopeful that a Charged player could return to us in some form, argued that if Maisy could perform like this without their own Snow Shovel, they could be even better further down the line! Others argued that Maisy’s performance might be in part due to their ability to draw walks, and hence their performance might struggle against more Ruthless pitchers, such as those seen in the late Expansion Era.

Ultimately, fans loved both players, with chants for including “Hot Singhles!,” “SINGHER TIME!,” “Geiger makes it count!,” “RADIOACTIVE!,” and “We can count on Maisy!” Choosing between these two players proved impossible, with tied votes after two rounds. We resolved therefore to leave the choice up to the wimds of fate, all agreed that no matter who won, we’d have charged a great batter that we were proud of. And this is exactly what happened– here’s hoping Singh returns to lead a Breath Mints offense in the future!

–Finn

New York Millennials

Clip Clipperson, reporting Live from Upstate New York, in the area where the Gamma 3 Millennials had been playing for the last two weeks over the recent Season. 

Rumors suggested that Eli Nocturne, Team Captain, local Coffee Barge owner, and recipient of the Fourth Strike Distortion in the Midseason Election, had kidnapped the rest of the Team to play Blaseball for mysterious ends. I attempted to get an interview with Nocturne, however there was a Scream Crumpet wailing in the snack case. What I could piece together from Eli included, “Welcome to the Coffee Barge, can I interest you in an Xpresso?” and “I’ve had a change of heart and do believe that perhaps kidnapping Blaseball Players to be was bad, actually.”

Manuela “Manny” Rowdy, reported to be a “hockey” player, whatever that is, from the New York you may be reading this from right now. Manny Rowdy (4.00 ERA, 13-8 W/L, 209 SO) performed admirably, among the better pitchers in the League, despite showing so much promise as a batter and fielder. When questioned, Rowdy said, “Well, you know, pitching seemed like a strong challenge, and my captor, er, Captain, Eli Nocturne, said they were short a pitcher.” 

As the Postseason Election drew to a close, Manny Rowdy skated their way into the Charging station, believing it was a way to get back home. Magnus Plague, an Ohio Doctor and newly Feedbacked Millennial, gave a shrug when questioned about the Microphone’s Charges.

Local Millennials Fans had some comments about the last Circuit:

“Look, sometimes you lore a haunted coffee barge prison and you lore it so well one of your players immediately escapes via Feedback.” -rudy
“They not only escaped, but left a helpfully mean Plague in their place!” -eberron
“Eli Nocturne sure does know how to pick who they kidnap huh” -Woosh
“I can’t believe Mills good again and it’s in a universe where it doesn’t even matter” –erobo
“What else can I say? Mills mills.” -local hydropastry fan

What will the next Circuit have for our New York Millennials? New Year’s Blowouts are what we’ve known for, and whoever is Hosting it should look forward to seeing the Millennials in the Playoffs again, or at the very least, a 010 Midseason Enhanced Party Time Invitation in their future!

–Clip Clipperson

And just a final note – we have only been able to make an article like this for Frozen Sky so far. If you’re a fan of a team and want to write a report like these, to show off your charged player and why they were chosen, please get in touch! We’d love to produce more articles like this in the future, with input from fans of each team.

The post Icy Lightning: Frozen Sky SC2 Charges appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

The Breath Mints. A team with but a singular championship to our name, despite some of the best Will discipline in the League. We even pulled off the Plasma Pinch— perhaps the greatest play of all time (I promise I’m not biased). But according to some, our ensmallened team isn’t so much a team as it is a Horse and some players that get in her way. Well, I’m ready to prove everyone wrong, with my take on the freshest, mintiest roster of fourteen imaginable:

Lineup:
Winnie Hess I
Winnie Hess II
Winnie Hess III
Winnie Hess IV
Winnie Hess V
Winnie Hess VI
Winnie Hess VII
Winnie Hess VIII
Winnie Hess IX

Rotation:
Winnie Hess X
Winnie Hess XI
Winnie Hess XII
Winnie Hess XIII
Winnie Hess XIV

… Hold on. I’ve been informed by Panda that despite Winnie being in the Vault now, we have banned replicas to prevent this exact situation. Rats. The “rules” are as follows:

1. Team sizes will be standard. 9 Line-up and 5 Rotation Players. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season played with that team.
3. The player must have played for at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be selected once across all 14 slots.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

With that in mind, here’s my second take on a Mints team.

Lineup:
Boyfriend Monreal (S5)— BA 0.308 – OPS 0.877
Hewitt Best (S3) — BA 0.325 – OPS 0.860
Mooney Doctor II (S20) — BA 0.277 – OPS 0.847
Jessica Telephone (S11) — BA 0.324 – OPS 1.124
Marco Stink (S10) — BA 0.272 – OPS 1.004
Jode Preston (S16) — BA 0.318 – OPS 0.951
Eizabeth Guerra (S3) — BA 0.354 – OPS 1.030
Rodriguez Internet (S10) — BA 0.357 – OPS 1.020
Jacob Haynes (S19) — BA 0.313 – OPS 0.866

Rotation:
Leach Ingram (S16) — ERA 2.90 – WHIP 1.068
Uncle Plasma (S20) — ERA 2.40 – WHIP 0.798
Winnie Hess (S18) — ERA 1.41 – WHIP 0.529
Michelle Sportsman (S21) — ERA -0.35 (not a typo) – WHIP 1.248
PolkaDot Zavala (S14) — ERA 2.41 – WHIP 0.860

Behold! Fourteen separate players, only one of which is a thirty-star horse, all of whom have played at least one full season for the Mints.

Likely the first thing you’ve noticed is that the Mints produce a lot of good pitchers. Graduates of the Breath Mints Pitching Academy include the players above and also Polkadot Patterson on the Moist Talkers, the Released Axel Trololol, Lucas Petty on the Tacos, and Sandie Carver on the Millennials. The Dot and Axel likely need no introduction, but for those less familiar with King Petty and Scarver, Petty ended Season 24 with a respectable 3.35 ERA, and Sandie’s Literal Arm Cannon helped them finish Season 24 with an ERA of only 1.69! We have a knack for creating superb pitchers and passing them off to other teams.

Thankfully, even without these players, our Rotation is terrifying. Leach Ingram was a master of the tactical walk, filling up bases to set up for the double play that was definitely necessary and not merely a way of toying with their fans. They’re the weakest part of the Rotation, and in fact both Axel Trololol and Oscar Vaughan (a dentist who chose to eat a peanut before retiring) have superior career-best ERAs/WHIPs, but quite frankly a Mints all-stars team would not be complete without Leach. As for the rest:

• Uncle Plasma was a terrifying force of pitching that plot had to intervene and steal them from us, presumably out of fear for what we could do with them.
• 9.4-star pitcher Winnie Hess was the biggest horse ever to exist and surpassed even the Cactus (Castillo Turner) in pitching prowess.
• Michelle Sportsman comes with their own run support in the form of Underhanded– their negative ERA is a data crime of beauty.
• PolkaDot Zavala was a lesser-known Mints original, well-suited for the pitching meta of Season 14 before a stray peanut forced an early retirement to the Shadows.

When it comes to our Lineup, the first three Lineup players were fantastic at crime. Boyfriend Monreal stole not only hearts but also bases. They were renowned for walking to first base and stealing the rest, for a career-best of 48 bases in Season 7 before an untimely incineration. Base stealing was a skill known also to Hewitt Best, who had no issues seizing the means of run-scoring. Their record was 79 bases in Season 17, putting them at number 2 in the league for that season. And famously, Earth laws don’t apply in space, which was convenient for Mooney Doctor II and the 68 bases they stole in Season 20. Their Magnified Modification also helps with the clean-up, doubling the value of any runs scored, provided they’re not stolen before they can bat them in.

The famed Jessica Telephone leads the next section of our Lineup, ringing in any stranded players (and since this is the Mints, there’ll be a lot). After them comes Marco Stink! They hit dingers! What! Marco was also a famous base stealer, with a career-best of 70 in a season– clearly, it is not illegal for bugs. Finally, Jode Preston will hopefully go sicko Jode and hit a dinger, as they did for 25.7% of ther hits in Season 18. Their BA/RISP reached a high of 0.408 in season 16– an adept at cleaning up when bases are Joded. And their Reload Modification makes any grand slam reload the bases, ready for the closers to clean up with!

Eizabeth Guerra, the triples queen, leads the way into the final part of our Lineup. Izzie, pre-peanut, had a frankly ridiculous stat line that caused them to hit more triples than doubles– in Season 3, out of 127 hits, 30 were triples and only 7 were doubles. Rodriguez Internet is next, who churns out the singles needed to get Izzie their fourth base. Their funny little Modification boxes help considerably with their job, most notably Cluttered, which has only improved their performance as we fought to make our Ballpark as filthy as possible. Finally, totally normal guy Jacob Haynes is here to round us out– when you look at Haynes’s stats it’s very easy to see why the Flowers took them back as soon as possible, with a Season 24 BA of 0.384 and OPS of 1.151.

I hope this article has served to inform fans new and old of some of the success stories to come out of the Mints! There are some truly wonderful stories out there that didn’t make it here, such as Winnie’s base-stealing career, 0-star leadoff batter Marquez Clark stealing home twice in the same inning, and the epic highs and lows of Pudge Nakamoto. I hope that whatever shape the next era takes, there continues to be space for stories and personalities within the game itself.

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back on the Discipline and Expansion Eras to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the first in the series here.

The post Minty Fresh: Kansas City Breath Mints Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

After their first series of the season, the Kansas City Breath Mints were 3-0 and eyeing a return to postseason glory. This was not how things ended up going down.

Following their opening sweep of the Yellowstone Magic, the Mints lost 20 of their next 23 games, digging themselves an inescapable hole and ensuring they would be one of the first teams in the ILB to reach PARTYTIME.

The Mints finished dead last in the Mild League but got the lucky draw and a date with the New York Millenials in the Wild Card Round. Behind great pitching performances from Leach Ingram and Mooney Doctor II, the Mints shocked the world and defeated the Mills in three games before bombing out against the eventual champion Baltimore Crabs in an emphatic three-game sweep.

So what gives? Are the real Mints the ones who failed spectacularly in the regular season, or the ones who showed up against New York in the playoffs?

We need to dig a little into the statistics to know the true identity of this Jekyll and Hyde team. Kansas City suffered some truly awful luck in the regular season, finishing with a ghastly 6-24 record in games decided by one run or less. According to their Pythagorean winning percentage, which is based on the number of runs scored versus allowed, they were expected to finish with a record of 40-59, slightly more respectable than the 34-65 record they ended up with. This is still a team with a great defense and a solid pitching staff, but they were betrayed by their anemic offense in close games.

The Mints were able to parlay their rotten luck in close games into a much earlier PARTYTIME than they probably deserved, and several key players received permanent stat boosts. Leach Ingram took full advantage of the extended PARTYTIME, leaving a trail of empty mango Juul pods and Four Loko cans in her wake as she partied thrice. In her first two games post-Party, the newly souped-up Leach took no-hitters into the sixth inning, including a dominant performance against the Mills in the Wild Card round, and now looks like a pitcher that is actually capable of regularly hitting the strike zone.

All in all, the Mints were the beneficiaries of twelve Parties, including two apiece from Winnie Hess and Joshua Watson, and fans are excited about what that could mean for the team going forward.

ELECTION RECAP AND SEASON 14 OUTLOOK

Jessica Telephone is back in a Breath Mints uniform. One of the greatest hitters in Blaseball history returns to the Meadow after spending a season in Mexico City. Stew Briggs became a shell of her former self after eating a peanut in Season 12; she has been revoked and joins the Houston Spies as a Roamin’ player. 

Somehow, Marquez Clark has rejoined the Breath Mints’ lineup and will bring his impeccable defensive skills back to the Meadow.

The Mints will miss the consistent production of Lenny Spruce, who joined the Boston Flowers in the convoluted trade that ended in the return of Clark, but overall fans are ecstatic about the results of the election.

Kansas City hopes that Jessica Telephone will help bolster what has been one of the weakest offensive units in the league. She will bat behind Hewitt Best and Rodriguez Internet in what is now a potent top-of-the-lineup for KC. Best is a ferocious base-stealer capable of swiping 50 bags a season, and Internet, despite reacting badly to a peanut last season, is still one of the league’s best at getting on base.

No doubt, the rest of the league is on notice as things appear to be looking up for the Breath Mints heading into Season 14.

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The Pudge Nakamoto era is over.

In a bittersweet move, the fans of the Kansas City Breath Mints yooted their “star” leadoff batter to their fierce rival, the Charleston Shoe Thieves, but not before giving them a significant boost on their way out the door. Pudge will always be remembered in Kansas City for replacing star hitter and beloved league superstar Boyfriend Monreal, and in their six seasons with the Breath Mints, Pudge was never really able to escape Monreal’s shadow. Pudge finished their time in Kansas City with a .232/.256/.388/.644 slash line, with 74 home runs and 13 stolen bases.

They now are the only player with a chance of Roamin’ to another team at the end of each season., giving each team in the league a chance to bask in the warm friendship of Pudge.

Also moving on from KC is star hitter Jessica Telephone, who put up vintage numbers in two seasons with the Breath Mints and appeared multiple times on the league batting leaderboards despite batting 10th in the lineup. She joins the Mexico City Wild Wings in exchange for Joshua Watson after the Wings won the Plunder blessing.

On paper, this might look like a terrible blow to the Mints’ lineup, as Watson is rated a full three batting stars worse than Telephone, but Watson boasts some incredible defensive ability that Telephone simply cannot match, and is a pretty productive hitter in his own right. Despite his mediocre star rating, Watson has been able to consistently put up On-Base Plus Slugging totals around .900 year in and year out, and should do a fine job of replacing some of Telephone’s production at the end of the lineup.

Onward, to Season XIII

As Mints fans look forward to Season XIII, they should have some hope that new leadoff hitter Hewitt Best will be able to recapture some of the magic of Season 7, when the Mints finished atop the Mild League with their speedy Boyfriend leading off. Best is well-known as one of the premier base-stealers in the game, finishing with 50 in Season 12, and is followed by a very productive hitter in Rodriguez Internet, who should be even better next season after being the beneficiary of a Party.

Other notable Mints’ Partiers in season 12 included Lenny Spruce, a solid slugger, and pitchers Mooney Doctor II and PolkaDot Zavala. They still have Winnie Hess in the rotation, and she is coming off one of her finest seasons on the mound in which she tied her career-best ERA with 2.33, and had an outstanding WHIP of .737.

Throw in Oscar Vaughn and the always enigmatic Leach Ingram, and the Mints boast one of the better pitching staves in the League, backed by an always minty-fresh defense.

The Mints, like all teams, will have a chance to modify their Ballpark during next Season’s Earlsiesta, so look for some new amenities at the Kansas City FreshDome for Tax Purposes next week. The Mints will also have a chance to test their abilities against the Baltimore Crabs for the first time, as the Crabs joined the Mild Low as one of the Expansion Teams.

In the end, the difference-maker for the Breath Mints will be if they can squeeze any production out of cleanup hitters Eizabeth Guerra and Stew Briggs, who form an extremely weak one-two punch in the middle of the lineup. The outlook for Season XIII, at least for this beat writer, is Death. Look for the Mints to finish around the middle of the pack again, unless they don’t.

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