I am sure if you asked any Sunbeams fan how they’re feeling about the second season of Blaseball’s new Coronation Era, they’d tell you they’re a bit nervous about all the attention they’re getting.

But the attention is for good reason, as one of the league’s top teams spent the election getting stronger and seems poised to have a great season. After finishing Season N1 with a record of 66-24, the Beams swept the Miami Dale only to stumble and have their kicks taken by the Charleston Shoe Thieves in the second round of the Post Season. But that’s the same Charleston team that finished below the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams in the Awful Good division during the Regular Season.

So, what should we expect from the Estimated Sunbeams and the rest of Blaseball in this upcoming season in the Coronation Era? Here’s a preview of every division, including our panel of power rankers’ predictions for how each division will finish.

Awful Good

Predicted order of finish:

1. Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams (No. 1 overall)
2. Charleston Shoe Thieves (No. 2 overall)
3. Baltimore Crabs (No. 12 overall)
4. Miami Dale (No. 13 overall)
5. Philly Pies (No. 15 overall)
6. Hades Tigers (No. 20 overall)

While this writer (Firewall Andrews) thinks the Shoe Thieves are the best team in the league, most of our rankings panel picked the Sunbeams, so they get the top spot in the division prediction. However, the panel did put these teams at the top of the overall rankings together, so expect a close fight and a serious title run from whichever team wins the division.

Beyond the two powerhouses, there are three middling teams in the Crabs, Dale and Pies. Miami made the playoffs and saw its roster shuffled a bit with randomized players, but it remains to be seen if they improved enough to take a big step forward in Season 2. The Crabs added the best batter in the Black Hole, but that alone won’t be enough to shore up their roster, and they should struggle to keep up with the Sunbeams and Thieves. The Pies have a solid but unspectacular team destined for a middle-of-the-road finish.

And the Tigers have Zephyr McCloud, who is very good, but will also be very interesting to watch given their curse. So this is a division with lots of great storylines entering the new season.

Chaotic Good

Predicted order of finish:

1. The Kansas City Breath Mints (No. 5 overall)
2. Boston Flowers (No. 11 overall)
3. San Francisco Lovers (No. 16 overall)
4. Canada Moist Talkers (No. 19 overall)
5. New York Millennials (No. 21 overall)
6. LA Unlimited Tacos (No. 23 overall)

The Mints were one of four teams to go over 60 wins in Season 1 and return a solid roster that went unchanged in the offseason. They bump down to No. 5 overall following a fourth-place overall finish as the Yellowstone Magic are projected to jump them in overall standing based on our panel’s picks. I’m not so sure, and I think the Mints should coast to another 60-win season and playoff berth (birth? is that still a thing?).

The Flowers grew as a group over the offseason via the election and are a team with a lot of promise. This could be one of the top pitching and defense teams in the splort, and I think No. 11 overall is a bit low for Boston. They might give the Mints some trouble but likely finish as a runner-up with a solid shot at the playoffs alongside the Thieves, Beams and Mints.

The rest of this division is going to struggle, especially with all the games they’re going to have to play against Kansas City and Boston. None of the teams really got any better in the offseason, and the Moist Talkers losing Simon Haley probably makes them a good bit worse. The Season 2 elections will be very important for these four squads.

Awful Evil

Predicted order of finish:

1. Atlantis Georgias (No. 6 overall)
2. Core Mechanics (No. 9 overall)
3. Broken Ridge Jazz Hands (No. 10 overall)
4. Houston Spies (No. 14 overall)
5. Dallas Steaks (No. 18 overall)
6. Chicago Firefighters (No. 24 overall)

This is definitely a division to watch, as any of four teams could realistically pick up the division title in Season 2. The favorites are definitely Atlantis, with a solid pitching staff and long-time blaseballer Beck Whitney leading a good offense.

But the Core Mechanics have an optimized lineup and promising pitching of their own, the Jazz Hands got a big pitching boost in the offseason to support that was top 10 in OPS a season ago, and the Spies are long shots, but Terrell Bradley’s alternate is still quite the player and the offense in Houston can hit.

Hello, Steaks!

And the poor Firefighters not only missed out on team-improving blessings, but got tossed a terrible batter by a Houston wimdy of a blessing. Sorry, Chicago.

Chaotic Evil

Predicted order of finish:

1. Mexico City Wild Wings (No. 3 overall)
2. Yellowstone Magic (No. 4 overall)
3. Seattle Garages (No. 7 overall)
4. Hawai’i Fridays (No. 8 overall)
5. Ohio Worms (No. 18 overall)
6. Tokyo Lift (No. 22 overall)

If the Awful Evil is “a division to watch,” this is “THE division to watch.” Loaded with four of our top 10 teams in the power rankings, the Chaotic Evil will see the Wild Wings, downgraded by some awful misfortune and a noteworthy incineration, chased by the upgraded Magic and Garages and the slightly shored up Fridays.

These are four genuinely good teams and it’s hard to pick a favorite, because most of what we knew about the dominant Wild Wings team of a season ago is not going to be there to start this season. James Boy does return, but without Fletcher Peck and Anastasia Isarobot on the main roster, it’s left the door wide open for Kiki Avci and the Magic to make a real run at a division title.

Don’t count out the Garages or Fridays, who both finished ahead of the Magic last season, and while their blessings might not have seemed as flashy and fun as the one Yellowstone got, I wouldn’t say either team should be discounted as a true contender for this division.

The post Blaseball Season CE2 Preview: Estimating the Sunbeams appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

You can read the previous entries of this series here: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

This is the top 10! Let’s Beam on down to Beamtown!

10. Randall Marijuana
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 7, KS: 9, OG: 10, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 10

The player with the shortest career in the top 10, Randall Marijuana was probably the most plot-important Sunbeam of all time. An instant fan favorite due to their skill and funny weed name, Randy easily charmed every early Beams fan. It was devastating when Randy feedbacked to the Jazz Hands, and even more devastating when they died there 40 short days later.

But the Sunbeams loss is the league’s gain, as Randall was an integral part of The Hall Stars team that defeated The Shelled One.

Randy’s place in lore is cemented as being part of the Precognition Trio, and we will always be sad about what happened, but we currently think Randy and Emmett are driving around in a van and just having a good time, and honestly that’s probably one of the best fates of any player in the league.

9. Sutton Bishop
Seasons: 9, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 9, KS: 7, OG: 5, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 9

The Goose.

The only player in the top 10 that didn’t start on the Sunbeams in Season 1, Sutton Bishop is distilled, pure chaos. It’s hard to entirely describe what Sutton is, or what it means to the Sunbeams, but consider the following:

– First player incinerated in Extra Innings (Incinerated S12D98. The next pitch after its incineration would end the game. Combs Estes had already died in the game.)
– Shortest time from Death to Haunting (Haunted S12D99).
– Most Valuable Ghost (By all metrics, no ghost produced as much haunt value as Sutton Bishop).
– Gained MVP a full 11 seasons after death.
– Broke out of the Hall to play for the Rising Stars.
– Stolen by the Vault Legends.
– Immediately broke out of the Vault to play for the Boston Flowers.

Sutton is the only player to escape both the Hall and the Vault. Soon it will escape the Black Hole. Nowhere is safe from the goose.

8. Lars Taylor
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 4

If this list weren’t scientific, Lars might have taken the top spot. But there’s enough science here to unfortunately relegate Lars to the 8th slot. Lovingly, Lars is a dork, and thus scores a low score on ability and radicalness, and a relatively low tragedy score cements stars place here.

But Lars means SO MUCH to the Sunbeams, and that can’t be overstated. Starting out with No Stars, becoming Lone Star Lars (thrusting the Sunbeams into a cowboy phase), leading the Sunbeams to the Season 11 championship, and having an absolutely bonkers Season 14 (look it up if you don’t believe me). These are just some of the reasons we love Lars, and always will love Lars.

7. Nerd Pacheco
Seasons: 12, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 8, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 10

Have you ever heard the tragedy of Nerd Pacheco the anxious?

I thought not. It’s not a story the Crabs would tell you. It’s a Pies legend. Nerd Pacheco… was a Blaseball Player of the Beams so powerful and so wise, they could use the Peanuts to create batting power. They had such a knowledge of the Nut Side, they could even keep the ones they cared about… from shelling.

They became so powerful, the only thing they were afraid of was… being Shelled themself. Which, eventually, of course, they were, by their apprentice Peanut Bong. Then, a superallergy obliterated them on the mound.

Ironic. They could save others from disaster, but not themself.

6. Igneus Delacruz
Seasons: 17, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 5, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 9

Igneus Delacruz may not have been the strongest player on the team, but towards the end of the Discipline Era, Iggy was putting up numbers far beyond his stars. Iggy was one of the Beams 2 Alternates in Season 4 (other to come soon), and was often seen around the Hellmouth with best friends Zack Sanders and Miguel James. Tragically, Iggy died, and even more tragically, died in Ohio.

Often depicted as a blue flame elemental, maybe that’s our fault, as blue flame is hotter than orange, and the flame that burns brighter burns out faster as well. Igneus was a core member of the Season 11 team, a player who surpassed their limitations repeatedly, and gave a lot to the lore of the team and the people around them.

5. Zack Sanders
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 7, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 7

So, if you have been keeping a running tally, you will realize that this means that 4 of the Beams OG pitchers are in the top 5. This might seem weird to you, as Sunbeams pitching is bad, and one of the categories here is Ability. Well, guess what. Sunbeams pitching isn’t as bad as you think it is, but our defense is worse than you think it is, so Sunbeams pitchers remain okay at the game and unestimable, which Beam Science has deemed important.

First up is Zack Sanders. A sturdy hellmouthyness score coming from a desert sunflower/sunflower beast motif, Zack is a spectacular example of the Sunbeams motto of “Stare into the Sun”. Zack’s only tenure away from the team was a single season spent in Philadelphia, after which she was promptly returned to her home. In the new era of Blaseball, we look forward to seeing Zack continue to grow in the Garden of the Boston Flowers, continuing to throw rocks on the mound.

4. Miguel James
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 5

Miguel James was the last player on the Sunbeams to move from their original position, and they took over 22 seasons before their first stint in the shadows. Miguel’s scores are bolstered by a radicalness of 10, which comes not from her ability to perform radical moves and feats, but the sheer tenacity to consider every performance radical regardless of how hard the faceplant they took was.

In the time that this reporter has been writing this article, we’ve discussed Miguel James a lot, especially in the Hall of Fame case, and Miguel James truly was better than you think. A workhorse for longer than almost any other pitcher in the ILB, Miguel James continues to bring an unrelenting positivity and a bright fashion sense to the Hellmouth in all times, and we’re all better off for having her with us.

3. Eugenia Bickle
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 7

Eugenia Bickle was the Sunbeams first real attempt at a multi-season plan. Things like Capri Sunset, Super Nava, Gatecrash Groundout Gooseboss, and Trebuchets would not have been possible if not for Bickle Batter. Pivoting Jayden Wright into the lineup and Sigmund Castillo into the shadows, Eugenia Bickle’s move to the lineup may be one of the deepest reverberating events for the Sunbeams, a success in every single aspect.

Bickle herself well promotes the values of the Hellmouth, being intermittently both a slugtaur and an orc, depending on the lore, but also spends her time cultivating some of the many cursed Hellmouth plants in her greenhouses.

If Miguel represents the Sunbeams staunch commitment to tradition, Bickle represents the team’s force of will and ability to get things done.

2. Sandoval Crossing
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 10

And if it wasn’t going to be Lars at number 1, it had to be one of these two. Sandoval Crossing misses out on the top slot mostly by being a dad, and as such, suffering the standard dad penalty to Radicalness. Sandoval started out as a star, competing in the upper echelons of pitching alongside early Discipline favorites like Polkadot and Axel, but sadly started to fall behind as the years and seasons went on. Still capable of burst of greatness, a crippling peanut addiction would eventually lead to a truly unestimable career.

What drove her to a life of peanuts? Well, probably the deaths of in-lore husbands Velasquez and Rhys, in-lore surrogate son Randy, and in-lore roommate Sutton Bishop.

That’s a lot of Tragedy to put on an old man who just wanted to play Blaseball-Tennis with a stop sign.

1. Nagomi Nava
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 10, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 10, Tragedy: 10

There truly is too much to say about Nagomi Nava. A KS score of only 7 along with some stints in the shadows are the only things keeping the Sunbeams Slugger from a perfect SHARKOUT score. To know Nagomi Nava is to truly know the Sunbeams, our team, our lore, our history, our vibes, everything.

Nagomi Nava was the survivor of the Precognition Trio. She befriended an eldritch horror and got it to chill out and live in her face. She personified the Beams strategy of walking, and even in the Ruth Era when no pitchers were throwing balls, Nagomi was still rocking dingers out of the park. She hit a 2 run home run against the Vault Legends, which was a more-than-decent chunk of the team’s offense.

Nagomi is truly one of the most unique talents in the league, and often overlooked for flashier players leaguewide, but if I were putting a team together, Nagomi Nava would be right near the top of my list every time.

And that’s the list. This is the world that Science has wrought. I’ve barely scratched the surface on these Beams though, and there’s mountains of stories about each and every one of them, and we’re always happy to share them with anyone willing to listen.

As the new era of Blaseball approaches, we have already watched some of these players fall to other teams, on which we can’t wait to see what they do, but a new class of Sunbeam is falling as well, and the Utahan desert has never looked brighter.

No matter what the Sun is, or who Stares into it, it unites us all.

See you in January.

–PandaSunbeams

The post SHARK OUT 4 – The Bream of the Brop appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

You can read Parts One and Two of this series here and here.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, it’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

This time we’re going from 21 to 11. Buckle up!

21. Wyatt Mason VII
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 9, KS: 2, OG: 0, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 10

Originally, I wanted to give Wya77 (as we affectionately called it) a Tragedy of 100. We got attached to this little guy HARD and FAST. If you want to have a nice little cry, look up Olive’s Sunbeams animatics on Youtube and watch Wya77. I miss it every day.

20. Alaynabella Hollywood
Seasons: 6, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 7, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 8

Alyanabella Hollywood was the original leadoff batter for the Hellmouth Sunbeams (and one of only 3 in the history of the team). She was part of Hollyweed, the friendship pairing between her and Randy Marijuana, and was never quite good at the game while she was with us. After being vultured off for Hahn Fox, she ate a peanut with the Flowers and was reduced to near-Nerd levels of post peanut stats.

However, after a wild sequence of events leading to her stealing the spot of, of all people, Nagomi McDaniel, she eventually rose to become a competent pitcher with the Garages. We love to see her thrive in Seattle.

19. Rhys Trombone
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 3, KS: 4, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 9

Rhys Trombone was the first to fall in the Sim, making sure that the Sunbeams were terrible in the mid-Discipline era. Rhys will always be remembered fondly as someone who probably played the trombone and was taken from us too soon.

18. Hahn Fox
Seasons: 18, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 6, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 1

Hahn Fox. There’s a lot to say about Hahn Fox, but I’ll try to keep it brief. It is my opinion that the arrival of Hahn Fox was the turning point for the Sunbeams in the DE. We’d just gone through the loss of Randy in Breckenridge, and were reeling over our roster. At the time, Hahn had just been pinging from the Dale to the Flowers, and we kind of thought that the Wild Low Sweetheart would continue her journey.

But she just… stayed. And since that point, Hahn has been the Rock (the Party Rock?) of the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Only missing a handful of games in the next 18 seasons, Hahn brought her consistent play and even keel to a team embroiled in chaos and nonsense. Plus she’s really into her wife and that’s just neat. She only ranks this low because unlike many other Sunbeams, she’s just not that tragic of a figure.

17. Velasquez Meadows
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 3, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 8

Number 2 in the “We’ll just take all the good Hellmouth players away” in the early DE. Killed later in the same season that took Rhys Trombone, Velasquez was just as harsh a loss. Though the Sunbeams would eventually find their place, the 1-2 punch of season 3 took the wind out of the sails of many a sandship.

16. Jayden Wright
Seasons: 11, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 3, KS: 5, OG: 5, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 6

Jayden Wright was brought onto the team to take the place of Eugenia Bickle in the Bickle Batter plan that would see Eugenia moved to the Lineup. Sunbeams pitching has often been considered a joke (and for decent reason), but Jayden had good, solid stats to build on. And then she built on them! By the late EE, Jayden was a 6 star pitcher on her way to becoming a real force in the league.

And then she had an allergic reaction.

And then she was bitten by a shark.

Well, we tried to have a good pitcher.

15. Sigmund Castillo
Seasons: 14, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 5, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 5

But, Jayden wasn’t our ONLY try at having a good pitcher. And one time we actually had success!

Sigmund Castillo started on the Sunbeams as a trade for Alexander Horne from the Lovers. They were pretty much the only Sunbeam with actual baserunning skill, and, when on base, would often steal multiple times and be driven in by Igneus Delacruz behind them. However, they were not good at actually getting on base. So, in the aforementioned Bickle Batter plan, we used Sigmund as the pivot. But while Sigmund was in the shadows, they were training, and building.

After two seasons of shadow infusing on pitching, Sigmund emerged with a brand new set of siege weaponry, and began launching fastballs from trebuchets. In the 5 seasons Sigmund has pitched, they’ve performed as well as almost any pitcher in history, and we look forward to them continuing their new legacy in the next era.

14. Paula Reddick
Seasons: 9, Hellmouthyness: 6, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 4, KS: 4, OG: 5, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 7

On of my favorite things that occurred because of Paula Reddick is that it made Sky (who draws all the amazing blaseball minis) draw a Truck. Just a regular Truck. Because Paula is a ghost that sometimes haunts trucks.

But as a player, Paula is amazing in the hyper-optimized Sunbeams tradition. A being of almost entirely divinity and moxie, Paula achieved a near-record OBP of .484 while only putting up a BA of .276. She’s not the best but dang, she’s good at what she does.

13. Hendricks Richardson
Seasons: 17, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 1, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 10, Tragedy: 3

And now we come to the last entry on the list to receive no OG points, Hendricks Richardson. Hendricks was, like Hahn, a rock, a player who showed up and just stayed where they were. The difference is that Hendricks had almost no stats. However, I maintain that Hendricks Richardson is one of the best in the history of the game at doing a lot with a little. In season 11 (which was cracked for the Sunbeams for sure), Hendricks managed to get into the top 10 for Hits, which is crazy for a batter with only a handful of stars, circumstances not withstanding. While it is true that there are several seasons in which Hendricks was the worst Sunbeams batter, they were still a batter that could be putting up top 3 numbers for multiple teams. Hendricks, to me, embodies the Hellmouth tradition of being Unestimable, and also was a big-ass Marxist dragon, which is just really cool.

12. Emmett Internet
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 6, KS: 4, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 8

Season 3, with the aforementioned incinerations of Rhys and Velasquez, but Season 4 seemed like it would be alright. The Sunbeams dodged any further incinerations, and even won Precognition in the Season 4 Elections.

Things were looking up!

Until Season 5, Day 91, when Emmett Internet was the first of two to fall to the Precog curse of the Hellmouth. At the time, Emmett was one of our two best, and it again seemed like the Sim was just picking off our best players one by one. Emmett’s presence is tightly woven into the fabric of Sunbeams lore, though, as the Precog Trio carries with it some of the deepest feelings the team has.

11. Dudley Mueller
Seasons: 15, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 3, KS: 8, OG: 5, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 2

As a side note, to all the Tragedy above, something good did (eventually) come out of one of these events. The incineration of Rhys Trombone gave the Sunbeams the energy drink monstrosity known as Dudley Mueller. While Dudley’s origins were humble, their thirst for blood would soon make them a force to be reckoned with.

A diet of Parties, Peanuts, and Plasma between seasons 7 and 10 would lead Dudley into the Expansion Era with a monstrous 5+ statline, putting up numbers in Seasons 11 through 13 that rivaled the best performances of Aldon Cashmoney and Nagomi McDaniel, and they continue to perform above this level as they’re on their current world tour in Houston, Ohio, and Hades. Truly, Dudley exemplifies one of the core tenets of the Sunbeams: we take our players and we make them better (or they make themselves better).

And there you have it, numbers 21 through 11. We’re getting into the top 10 in our final article, which will come out some time in the future. With only 10 names remaining, I know who people are waiting to see, but who will take the top slot?

Remember to stare into the sun responsibly!

The post SHARK OUT 3 – Six Feet Under appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

You can read Part One of this series here.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

Here’s 33 through 23.

33. Kaz Fiasco
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 6, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 2

Now we start to get into some of the more long-term players. The Sunbeams only had Kaz Fiasco for a short time, and had to lose an original lineup player to get them, but we were pretty excited about Kaz when they showed up. A cryptid mothman with TWO HATS? They CAUSE PROBLEMS? What’s not to like? With more time on the team, Kaz would have been a strong favorite for sure.

32. Elvis Figueroa
Seasons: 6, Hellmouthyness: 6, Ability: 9, Radicalness: 3, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 4, Tragedy: 2

One of the surprise new fixtures of the Sunbeams Expansion Era roster, Elvis is somehow the first player to not listen to the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Bureau TWICE. After being wimdy’d to the Sunbeams for Zack Sanders in Season 15, they were promptly traded back, only to wimdy onto the Sunbeams again in season 19 for the just-discussed Kaz Fiasco.

What is it about the Hellmouth that attracts these fungal gnomes to the deserts of Utah? We may never know. However, what we do know is that Elvis has more career postseason wins with the Sunbeams than they do with the Pies.

31. Alexander Horne
Seasons: 4, Hellmouthyness: 6, Ability: 5, Radicalness: 5, KS: 4, OG: 5, Unestimability: 5, Tragedy: 2

It’s… LITTLE ALEX HORNE!

Alex came to the team in season 3 as the second incineration replacement, for Velasquez Meadows. Soon after emerging, Horne hit a grand slam against the Pies, cementing the “Horne Run” as legend in the team’s history.

It’s truly a shame we didn’t have more time with Alex, but reports of gurz thriving in San Francisco are enough for us for now.

30. Harriet Gildehaus
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 8, KS: 7, OG: 5, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 3

Harriet joined the team during the Fax Madness of the late EE Sunbeams pitching roster. Despite only spending a short time with the team before being will-shadowed at the end of Season 21, she made her mark by being the losing pitcher in the Sunbeams Underbracket run, securing her own Underring to take back to the shadows with her.

30. Son Jensen
Seasons: 2, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 7, KS: 2, OG: 0, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 7

You know how every team has that player in the shadows? The one they spend season after season trying to get out of the shadows, or buff, because their stat distribution is worth it? Say hello to that player, but for the Tacos.

Son Jensen was cheered as she emerged from the shadows via the Tacos voicemail, and those cheers turned to confusion as Son promptly left the team for the Hellmouth in exchange for Hendricks Richardson. Son is a great fit for the Sunbeams, his Moxie and other stats fitting the Beams’ playstyle, but a lot of their story is the unlikely path they took to get here.

30. Phineas Wormthrice
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 5, Radicalness: 7, KS: 2, OG: 5, Unestimability: 5, Tragedy: 1

I think everyone in Blaseball knows who Tillman Henderson is. TV Tropes has a page for “Jerk with a heart of Gold” but Tillman is more like their “Jerk with a heart of Jerk”. The Sunbeams have never had a Jerk before, and so we sat down to create one in Phineas Wormthrice. I mean, it sounds pretentious enough, right?

Well, we made em smol. Oops.

Phineas quickly became beloved by the team, and contributed greatly to our offense by being our first magnification. Even though ey weren’t amazing emselves, they often were able to bat in Howell and Nagomi. A surprisingly good member of the lineup until ey got chomped and shadowed, it remains to see if ey’ll ever return to active play.

30. Malik Romayne
Seasons: 7, Hellmouthyness: 1, Ability: 4, Radicalness: 2, KS: 2, OG: 10, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 8

Malik Romayne is the first 10 OG, a member of the Season 1 Moab Sunbeams Lineup.

And I just don’t have much to say about them. They were… fine. They were probably the best player on the team at the time they were traded, since Randy, Emmett, Rhys, and Velasquez were all dead, but other than that they just didn’t make much of an impact. They’re vaguely a chef and they might have been married to fellow OG Igneus Delacruz. But for the most part, Malik just didn’t have as much of a presence compared to the rest of the OG team.

26. Guy Gulp
Seasons: 2, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 2, KS: 2, OG: 5, Unestimability: 4, Tragedy: 10

Okay, so, the thing I wanna stress here is that Guy Gulp is, in Beams lore, the only one that has to work a regular job. And that’s, like, the most tragic thing I can think of. Also, the only reason they have any points in radicalness is that they’re often depicted as dating Aldon Cashmoney, which is pretty rad.

26. Kaj Statter Jr.
Seasons: 6, Hellmouthyness: 2, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 8, KS: 9, OG: 5, Unestimability: 2, Tragedy: 4

In comparison to Guy Gulp, here’s someone who’s almost all radicalness and KS. Kaj (rhymes with sky) burst onto the scene in Season 13 when Sutton Bishop was incinerated. What’s cool about them?

-Replaced Sutton on Day 98 of the season, stole home in the same game, and then partied on Day 99
-Drives a boat in the desert
-Has a goat named Disco Ball that is also licensed to drive boats
-Drove the boat that carried the Sunbeams when they charged the mound in Season 24

This is some real KS stuff here, if you ask me.

24. Goodwin Morin III
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 9, Radicalness: 9, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 2, Tragedy: 9

Goodwin Morin III is the only replica that the Sunbeams have ever had on the team. Generally we prefer to win with our own players, but when we had to get a replica we went with who we ended up calling Gw3n. It’s still very confusing to me that we didn’t make it to the finals of Season 22 (where we had a shot at beating the Breath Mints), but hey, things happen.

Gw3n’s main takeaway from the Sunbeams is that we gave her cat ears. And she’s just based on a super cool lady so she carries a lot of that radicalness with her.

23. Howell Franklin
Seasons: 7, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 9, Radicalness: -1, KS: 8, OG: 0, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 8

This is the only negative score on the whole list.

Howell Franklin is a werewolf who is a dad. Like that’s most of his deal. He’s got no rad energy at all. Not even a little bit. You can’t be rad in cargo shorts, with sandals on. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules, you just can’t.

But Howell fit in great with the Sunbeams. Howell remains one of the top batters in the ILB even with flinch, and as the Sunbeams have reformed that flinch, Howell promises to be even better in future seasons. It’s kind of fitting to have Howell close out this article, because he might be the most beloved of the “late” or “temporary” Sunbeams, and in fact, only 2 other Zero-OG players score higher than Howell Franklin, both of whom were with the team for much longer.

And there you go. Up through 23. Next time we get 22-11, and then we’ll finish it up with the scientifically determined top 10 Hellmouth Sunbeams. I’ve been your resident Sunbologist, Panama Dan.

See you again soon.

The post SHARK OUT 2 – The Shallow End appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows, 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

Honorable Mentions

46, 45, 44. Jasper Blather, Alston Cerveza, Donia Bailey

The three “Lore Legal” Sunbeams that never took the field for the team. Jasper and Alston are well known in the Hellmouth for being 2 of the only players to actually Not Come To The Hellmouth. I mean, we have a whole department in charge of this but people keep showing up. Donia is a late addition, having been Phantom Thieved from the Spies in late Expansion Era, but is reportedly being taken well care of in the Hellmouth Shadows.

43 to 33

43. Quack Enjoyable
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 0, Ability: 4, Radicalness: 2, KS: 1, OG: 0, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 1

Quack is a duck. Their main contribution to Sunbeams Lore is that they showed up in a Shell and got broken out of it within 30 or so games, and then left 30 games later. Didn’t stay nearly long enough to become any amount of cursed.

42. Brisket Friendo
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 1, Radicalness: 1, KS: 1, OG: 0, Unestimability: 1, Tragedy: 4

Brisket was given to us in the Triangle Trade that caused Alston’s brief tenure and took our Best Friend Richmond Harrison from us. While Brisket had been plot relevant before, they came to us with no lore and left as a Blahaj Kitty who weighed an enormous amount and had an owner named Brie. (Get it? Brie’s Cat?). Their poor play did coincide with the Sunbeams Tanking Season but otherwise didn’t make a huge impact. (Other than who they were traded for, a player who will appear later).

41. Borg Ruiz
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 3: KS: 2, OG: 5, Unestimability: 2, Tragedy: 1
41. Tot Best
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 2, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 3, KS: 1, OG: 5, Unestimability: 5, Tragedy: 2

Borg Ruiz and Tot Best were two of the Sunbeams 3 Night Shifts in Season 24. They didn’t have a lot of time to establish themselves but both proved to have sparks of talent and some very interesting motifs. It’ll be interesting to see what they do when Blaseball returns.

39. Comfort Septemberish
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 0, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 8, KS: 4, OG: 0, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 2

Comfort didn’t play much for the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Received in a feedback, they were quickly reclaimed at season’s end, and spent most of their time on the Sunbeams in Elsewhere. They did contribute to the Underchampionship run, and received a high Radicalness score for shouting 90’s advertising slogans at the top of their voice constantly.

38. Siobhan Chark
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 5, Radicalness: 4, KS: 3, OG: 0, Unestimability: 4, Tragedy: 5

The first 5 Tragedy on the list goes to Siobhan Chark for the tragedy of the Flickering Socks. Siobhan bounced around in the late EE, but her 3 seasons on the Sunbeams were memorable. As part of the Spybeams Revolving Door, her presence strengthened the bond between the Wild Low teams, and she added a splash of fresh water to the desert air.

37. Joe Voorhees
Seasons: 2, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 0, Radicalness: 1, KS: 8, OG: 0, Unestimability: 0, Tragedy: 10

The Career of Joe Voorhees:

• Joe bounces around other teams
• Joe comes to the Hellmouth
• Joe is swiftly sent to the shadows in the first lineup downsizing (starting the small team meta?)
• Joe lives in the shadows for about 30 years
• Joe is re-summoned from the shadows to be bad on purpose
• Joe is bad
• Joe is, for some reason, marked by Jessica Telephone as a threat and Shelled.
• Joe’s peanut is shoved back into the shadows.

36. Avila Guzman
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 0, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 9, KS: 3, OG: 0, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 1

I just think she’s neat! Seems like a very rad lady, and for sure is one of the most underrated players, maybe in all of Blaseball. Wish we could have had her longer to get to know her.

35. Aldon Cashmoney
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 4, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 4, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 1, Tragedy: 5
35. Dunlap Figeuroa
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 1, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 7, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 4
35. Richmond Harrison
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 4, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 2

Welcome to the Tigerbeams corner. Though none with the team too long, not much else shows how strong the bond is between the Sunbeams and the Tigers. Early Expansion wills led to Aldon and Richmond both joining the team and endearing themselves to the fanbase, while Dunlap made a quick stop in the Hellmouth on their Fifth Base World Tour.

That’s the first 11! Next time I’ll cover 32 to 22. Remember to Stare into the Sun, everyone!

The post SHARK OUT appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Atlantis Georgias

The Georgias Hubris Cycle reached cataclysmic heights this season as we went from a record-breaking 113 wins and a nice 69% win rate in the main season to being viciously swept out of the postseason in our first round. So what went wrong?

The Georgias were abuzz right from the start as we were projected to be the strongest team this season, due to a very solid pitching rotation and a great defence to back it up. However our offence was comparatively mediocre, despite a few star players in the form of fan-favourite 80s horror protagonist Penelope Video, deep-sea rave DJ Hyena Dropper, and Gianna Schenn who became our best hitter thanks to an incredible Yummy reaction only to be stranded at the end of our Lineup by a Reverb.

By the end of the main season we had given up fewer runs than any other team, but were only tenth in total runs scored. This reliance on defence gave us a lot of close games, and while the length of the main season ensured it averaged out in our favour, for the postseason it left us easily at risk of being eliminated by a few bad games.

And what a few bad games they were. With the rise in overall league offence from the midseason Elections, combined with the Georgias failing to secure any Squid Gifts or Blood Jams and choking in both of our Prize Matches, it was probably inevitable that our initial advantage would wear off. Things went even more disastrously in the second game against the Shoe Thieves when a massive blizzard froze the weaker half of the Shoe Thieves’ Lineup, leaving us facing an absolutely deadly array of batters, including former Georgia Babka McCoy, who was Feedbacked for Lorcan Griffey earlier in the season.

-Jangalian (Jangalian#7646 on Discord)

Charleston Shoe Thieves

This Circuit we’re highlighting (but not Charging) Zora Kramer, a garbage pitcher whose fighting spirit inspired us all.

Our playoff series versus the Wild Wings showed the depth of Zora’s grit. They pitched first, eager to give us a win, and immediately gave up a 2-run homer. We lost that game 19–6, and Zora squatted on the mound, disappointed. They tried, but the rest of the Rotation would have to carry us.

But in the third game, a winter storm Froze two subsequent pitchers, and Zora was called back from the bullpen! A second chance. Zora took a breath, concentrated. A hardened gaze through the snowstorm.

The Wings scored 7 runs that inning. Final score: 25–3. Zora was in anguish. Had they not tried hard enough? They looked inward as we looked to the next game and to Hartley Pebble, who had already given us a win this series.

But wait— who’s that walking to the mound? It’s Zora! They begged for one last chance to give their team a win, and who could say no to that hunger, that drive? So, in defiance of all reason, bottom-of-the-league Zora Kramer took the mound for the third time in a five-game series.

Each pitch was a herculean effort. Visibly straining, Zora held the Wings to one run for an unthinkable six innings. We watched in disbelief as they tore themselves apart to keep us in this series. By the seventh inning, they were spent, but never stopped fighting. The Wings won, but only by two runs.

Zora’s heart was broken, but ours were full of pride. They left it all on the mound, and what more could you ask of a player? We didn’t charge Zora Kramer, but don’t let that fool you. Zora will be with us forever, in heart and sole.

-Jeremy T (APieceOfWorkAmI#8349)

Chicago Firefighters 

Well, if nothing else, the Chicago Firefighters had another interesting Circuit. 

Let’s start from the beginning: when the teams were first revealed, we appeared to have a pretty standard Firefighters team. Average at best with some half decent batters, bad pitching, okay defense, and far more peanut allergies than not. It seemed as though we would be headed for the Fiesta, if we were lucky.

That did not happen.

Less than 40 games into the season, the Firefighters experienced a Night Shift for the thirdCircuit in a row, bringing out Owen Turbo, who would end up being the best pitcher in the League (and despite Feedbacking to the Spies, would only lose two games the entire season), inevitably helping the team narrowly miss the Fiesta. 

That’s not where the weather stopped, though. The team had three Feedbacks over the course of the season: a shockingly mutually beneficial early one with the Crabs, the aforementioned Turbo feedback for Cher Kumar of the Spies (which took a day to go through because of “features”), and a late season batter swap with the Garages. With the Firefighters only having two non-Allergic players, it was no surprise when fan favourite Tube Nebula got decimated by a Peanut (and was equally not shocking when they became our Guest of Honor). Most notably, however, was Craig Faucet getting incinerated and proceeding to play another 10 games afterwards, who despite our best efforts— was not even charged for their troubles.

The thing is, none of these things stopped the Firefighters. Despite winning no Blessings or items, being bombarded with weather, and using their only boosts to salvage a hurt player, they managed to claw their way to third seed, claiming fifth in the league despite all odds. And more than anything, I think that’s the story of the Firefighters this Circuit and beyond; the ability to make something out of nothing.

–Stara

Hellmouth Sunbeams

The Hellmouth Sunbeam entered this Short Circuit right where they wanted to be– bound for the .500 line. Sure, in a season with parties for the worst teams and Playoffs for the best, that had downsides, but the Beams knew what they were about… and then they tanked their way into the midseason fiesta badly enough to get into round one and they were ready to Party their way to the top! And then… they didn’t. One game in EPT, a bit of timeline shenanigans, and the fiesta ended with the Beams better than before but not playoffs material. But not for long!

Because then the Beams claimed (one of) the Title Belt(s) and Royce Spider decided to sit on it, the universe decided that that was Royce’s. And then… the belt got taken. But not for long! Because then the Beams got the only Wild Card slot! They were in the Playoffs! They were going for the championship! And then… they got kicked out round one. And all this happened in a bog-theatre-gothic horror-small town with a chandelier containing the last shards of a dead sun. And their final record was 82-80.

There were icons, like Sun Paladin Amanda Rowdy, or incineration replacement Calvin Revenant, or Samuel ‘Slamuel’ Finnegan, but there was one real hero. Julian Greene had plenty going for them. An early standout on the starting roster, Julian entered the world with 3.9 batting stars. They’d have a top 10 OPS+ (ignoring all the undead invaders from another universe) and a taste for snacking on snow which would bring them to nearly 5 batting stars over the course of the season (before dragging them back to a measly 4.5). But who cares about that? Pregame Ritual Charging? Let’s gooooooooooooo!

-Nix

San Francisco Lovers

It was a beat-down for the Lovers this circuit, trying their best to sell their angle to no avail. The team narrowly slid their way into the midseason Fiesta, missing out on all the action before it could even begin. According to insider sources, a feud between the Lovers and the Mexico City Wild Wings started to get hot after headliner Fontaine Teacup Feedbacked with Liv Chan, but the show was not over for this B-Team yet.

The Lovers held to their wills, and held up their pants holding onto one of the… two title belts until right before the Postseason. When Parker declared reunification, it was a headliner match against Miami. It was a clean finish with the Lovers on the mat. Miami went on into the post season, leaving the Lovers to nurse their aches & bruises.

Eliot Heartfield was sent up into the Mic with the hope that they wouldn’t be destined to become just another Jannetty, but the fate of our Charged players is a story line for another era. All in all, these Lovers couldn’t keep the gold, but that didn’t mean this season wasn’t a popcorn match. With the circuits over and the next era in limbo, maybe this team can get on after all.

-Avery M. (Ackasi#9049 on Discord)

Mexico City Wild Wings

The Mexico City Wild Wings were good this Short Circuit. This was very confusing for a lot of long term Wings fans, because the Wings have never been good. Even when they won their Championship, they came from fourth in the conference. Even when Burke Gonzales was one of the best pitchers in the League they were barely a 0.500 team. So 99 wins and a trip to the Championship, even if it was to lose to The Breath Mints. (a fine, deserving winner) was the sort of inexplicable thing that tested the very boundaries of the game’s capabilities to handle, and was thus appropriate for a Short Circuit.

The “why” of the Wings being good is actually very easy to explain. They hit the ball a lot (1468, first in the League), hit it the furthest (SLG 0.501, first) and thus scored the most runs (975, first). Such was the ferocious offensive output that meant it almost didn’t matter that Tobias Diallo and Mitch Pink forgot where the strike zone was for innings at a time (third and fourth in walks league wide, respectively).

The continual high performance of Soledad Drama, Nova Bye, Alonso Clement, and Lillian McKinley (a 98% consensus pick to charge the microphone) led to the most improbable Wings team to ever exist, a rollicking riotous ball of fun that wasn’t constrained by the Wings of seasons past, and featured such fantastic names as Genesis Toad and Slow McDonald.

Will the Wings be this good again? Probably not. But it won’t matter. The one time we were good was fun, and underdog stories are also fun, and maybe one day we’ll get to see Lillian hit a ball a long way again. Which will be fun.

-BNN Wild Wings correspondent Spludge

Philly Pies

The Pies have traditionally been very good at Elections, so the Front Office started this Short Circuit by enacting a Faustian Pact to have more Elections than we knew what to do with. However, the Front Office failed to read this diabolical document closely enough, missing the footnote where it said anything the Pies elect either wouldn’t matter or wouldn’t actually ever be received by the team.

The mood in the Pies locker room was high despite all this; the team partied hard in the Mid-Season Fiesta, culminating in Nadia Outlaw proclaiming, “I’m never leaving Philly!” and chaining themselves to the radiator. This served to deny the Microphone’s later Feedback attempt, leaving the Wild Wings’ Slow McDonald standing outside the clubhouse.

Kristi Finnegan and Wolf Buss carried the team’s rotation post-parties, and things seemed to be up for the Pies in the second half of the season, until Seyyid Goodhart ate a Peanut and went from one of the worst pitchers in the ILB to the absolute worst in franchise history across all dimensions, proving that you don’t need to be Superallegic to ruin your pitching career.

Although Kid Darling had been sent to party early in hopes the additional training would prime them for Charging the Microphone at season’s end, by the time it was clear the Pies’ playoff hopes were dashed, it became equally clear that Kid’s performance was a disappointment, failing to meet any expectations whatsoever. Seeing this underwhelming lateseason play, the Pies elected to send grizzled power hitter, Ariana Beard in their place.

The Pies have been thoroughly undercooked in the last few circuits; they can only hope the long siesta will give them enough time in the oven to emerge crisp, hot, fresh, and ready by the time Blaseball returns.

-Ads (wilcxck#8979 on Discord)

Seattle Garages

At the start of this Circuit, the Garages were bad. The team was cursed with the highest Patheticism in the League by a mile, such that even making contact with the ball was a miracle. No player exemplified this like Dimi Wobbler, who generated as the worst of the worst, a dismal 0.6 stars. Seeing the writing on the wall, the Garages sighed, laughed (because you have to laugh) and awaited the Party Time they knew was coming.

Then, on Day 3, Dimi Wobbler hit a solo home run to shame the Breath Mints, who would go on to win the Championship. It was their first hit.

Dimi “Warbler” Wobbler, a tiny bird with incredible vibes and very little skill, was on a quest to prove that a positive attitude can overcome any statistical shortcomings. On Day 42, the Garages experienced a full-team Reverb. Instead of the worst batting in the League, they now had the worst pitching. Dimi moved four spots higher in the Lineup. They continued to be bad at Blaseball.

As the Garages’ Guest of Honor, Dimi partied three times and got better. Then Dimi partied again during a game. Suddenly, the silly little bird with excellent vibes had three batting stars. Dimi’s name started to pop up in scoring events more… and more… and more. Despite spending the first half of the season struggling to get on base, they ended with the second-most hits and stolen bases.

All season, the other Garages suffered under the Weather. Reverb decimated the rotation. Their best batter got incinerated; two more Feedbacked away. An already-terrible pitcher had an allergic reaction right after their final game. Dimi just hit the ball some more.

That’s the power of a positive attitude.

– crab

Tokyo Lift

The pitchers were idols, the hitters were yuru-chara mascots and the fans were feeling an unfamiliar tingle of… hope?

Tokyo rolled a strong team. Almost from the start the Lift were chasing a Playoff spot. They couldn’t keep pace with the Ballad-leading Wild Wings, that was clear early on, but the batting of Pop Tomorrah and some creditable pitching meant a winning record at Midseason and third place in Downtempo. Precisely none of this was thanks to Herb Swamp.

Idol performer Art Dembélé was a strikeout machine with Ruthlessness the way a sea has wet. Baffled cruise-ship tourist Seth Bitters was a sexagenarian workhorse with decent ERA but never the wins to show for it. Even Omar “Give Us” Nothing had fans. Herb Swamp, meanwhile, was a firebombed storefront of a player with one-third of a pitching star, Forbidden Knowledge that was painful to read, and not even a tragic backstory to lean on.

But the Tokyo Lift are all about gains. Rather than build an already solid performer into a titan the fans hailed Swamp as their Guest of Honour. Three parties revealed a promising hitter, if still a pitcher for whom mediocrity was but a distant dream.

A Yummy reaction late in the season changed that. Post-Peanut Herb was a monster in every department, bar their day job, and perfectly serviceable there. It wasn’t enough to save the campaign, the Lift having lost all momentum after back-to-back sweeps by the Shoe Thieves and Wings, but joyful fans now coalesced around Swamp as the little kappa that could. And, in some universe, she still might.

Wait, is that hope again?

-elmonstro (elmonstro#6813)

And a final note – BNN relies on reports from readers like you to fill out articles! If you’d like to contribute something in the future, head on over to our discord!

The post The Last Dance: Short Circuit 3 Downtempo Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

At the close of the second major era of Blaseball, and with an immense amount of time on our hands, what better to do than to sift through 24 seasons of data?

And what better way to do that than to create each team’s All-Star lineup?

This is the first in what I hope will be a series of articles where teams submit their all-time best Lineups in the first year of Blaseball. We agreed on a few rules to start with:

1. Team sizes will be standard. 9 in the Lineup and 5 in the Pitching Rotation. Players cannot be considered Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season played with that team.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be selected once across all 14 slots.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

These rules are set in place in order to capture the journey and essence of each of Blaseball’s teams. We want to avoid a replicalooza or a team of all honses.

With that in mind, I present “The All-Sun Sunbeams.”

Eugenia Bickle (S24) — BB 168 – OBP .503
Paula Reddick (S24) — BB 151 – OBP .484
Nagomi Nava (S20) — BB 82 – BA .305 – OBP .428 – OPS 1.224

I wanted to start off with the Heart of the current Sunbeams roster. These three players are, quite simply, some of the best ever when it comes to at getting on base. The early Sunbeams, as we’ll see later, focused on raw power and slugging, while the modern Sunbeams team plays the smallest possible ball: walking. The Sunbeams received the Base Instincts Blessing, allowing them to occasionally get extra bases on walks. With the Moxie-focused Blessings available in the late Expansion Era, the Sunbeams fully embraced their Basic nature, monopolizing spots in the OBP leaderboard through their sheer ability to stare down opposing pitchers.

Hahn Fox (S23) — HR 34 – RBI 271.7 – BA .315
Howell Franklin (S23) — HR 49 – BA .356 – OPS 1.171
Dudley Mueller (S11) — R 116 – BA .438 – OPS 1.270

The next 3 batters represent a bit more of the Power of the old Sunbeams, but with a little flair thrown in from the late Expansion Era. Hahn Fox’s Magnification makes them the ideal followup to the walk trio, and Howell Franklin is an excellent backup, having finally reformed their Flinch into High Pressure. With how often there will be baserunners for Howell, a Flooding game changes things immensely. Behind those two is Dudley Mueller, one of the first Sunbeams glow-ups, and a standout batter in the all-power Eleventh Season.

Igneus Delacruz (S11) — BA .303 – OBP .412
Nerd Pacheco (S11) — BA .335 – OPS 1.009
Randall Marijuana (S3) — PA 420 – BA .294 – OBP .357

The last three spots in the Lineup are taken up by 3 solid support batters. Igneus Delacruz was outdoing themselves immensely in Season 11, finishing with a regular-season .303 Batting Average, parlaying that into a .491 Batting Average in the postseason— truly a Clutch performance. Nerd Pacheco, one of the stalwart pillars of the Beams’ early days, brings in an impressive season with over 1 OPS, and finally, in what might be the greatest recorded stat in Sunbeams history, Randall Marijuana closes out the Lineup with their Season 3 total of 420 Plate Appearances.

Sandoval Crossing (S8) — ERA 2.89 – 83.5 SO/BB
Sigmund Castillo (S20) — ERA 1.9 – 5 HR Allowed
Miguel James (S14) — ERA 2.65 – WHIP .825
Jayden Wright (S17) — ERA 2.69 – 10.0 SO/9
Lars Taylor (S14) — ERA 2.98 – QS 14

The Sunbeams’ Pitching is a bit trickier to nail down, however. There was once a time when we tried to have good pitching, going into a season with 6 star pitchers in Sigmund Castillo, Jayden Wright, and Elvis Figueroa. A pair of errant peanuts and a shark bite soon reminded the Sunbeams that we were cursed to forever exist in a land of mediocre pitching and terrible defense.

Still, with how terrible the Sunbeams’ defense is and always has been, there are still highlights to discuss. Sandoval Crossing will always be a perennial favorite, having thrived in the Ruthlessness meta before it even existed, being one of the most accurate pitchers of the Discipline Era. The double Shadow-Infused Sigmund Castillo has been a fantastic success story, currently sitting at a career ERA of 2.7 and an HR/9 of .37, shutting down power hitters across the League. Solid outings from Miguel James and Jayden Wright in Seasons 14 and 17 make the cut.

And astonishingly, and you can either take my word on this or research for yourself, one of the 5 best pitching performances in Sunbeams’ history was Lars ‘Lone Star’ Taylor, who decided to be good for exactly one season.

To briefly highlight this, I’d like to list Lars’ regular season ERAs from Season 11 to 16:
S11 – 8.55
S12 – 6.40
S13 – 7.98
S14 – 2.98
S15 – 6.50
S16 – 6.71

The Hellmouth Sunbeams are a team that has adapted not only to the harsh conditions of living next to an eldritch portal to the depths of hell but also a team that has adapted consistently with the League and its trials and tribulations. A clear afterthought until the end of the Discipline era, the Sunbeams are now seen as contenders, each season feeling like it might be the next one they take. I, for one, am excited to see where this team goes in the second year of Blaseball.

Honorable Mention:
Aldon Cashmoney (S13) — BA .364 – OPS 1.247

Aldon only spent 1 season with the Sunbeams but is one of the few faces the Anti-Tourism Board has been instructed to ignore. Aldon is welcome back in the Hellmouth any time.

The post All Suns Sunbeams: Hellmouth Sunbeams Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

by Crash Splortswatcher

EDITORS NOTE: This is a work of Blaseball lore that may not line up with established headcannons. Thank you for your understanding.

HELLMOUTH, Utah (BNN)– The sun reflects off façade of a crumbling office building outside the main district of Hellmouth. It’s been a long, hot season, and there’s only more heat to come. A small pink building shines like an oasis across the street.

A few burnt cars lie scattered across the four lane road, and I make my way around them. I know the closest Hellmouth isn’t for a few hundred meters, so I’m not worried about the road collapsing. I wait in the median as a few scooters weaving their way in between all the debris and cars cross in front of me. One rider honked and waved with his third arm.

 A bright electronic OPEN sign flashes above a small caricature of a cat holding a cup of coffee. The bell dings as I make my way inside, and the smell immediately consumes me. It’s pungent and abrasive, but underneath it was something citrusy and floral.  A 20-something walks out from behind the bead curtain in the back corner, their cat ears twitching slightly as they enter the lobby. “Welcome to the Randall Marijuana Memorial Cat Café, Assistant Manager Helsinki is right this way.”

I follow the young cat-person back to a private room where Hellmouth Sunbeams Assistant Manager Cassia Helsinki waits. They stand when I enter, a jovial smile filling her face. They hold out a catcher’s-mitt of a hand as they hunches their 7’6″ frame in the suddenly claustrophobic room. The sunlight filters in through a small tinted window pointing at an empty, untended courtyard garden and spills across the table. A beautiful pot of tea and a six pack of  Sunn Light sit on it. “I wasn’t sure which you would prefer,” They say as we both sit down.

“Either works for me, thanks,” I reply.

“It’s nice to finally meet the Hellmouth’s resident reporter, I feel like we’ve been rescheduling this meeting for years now.”

“Only a few weeks, but that’s no worry. I wanted to meet up and have this ready by the time BNN announced me coming down, but it might end up being the best time, right now, I think.” I start flipping through a small notebook I carry with me, partly looking for stats, and partly because I am very nervous.

Crash Splortswatcher: The standings in the league seem to say Hellmouth is headed for their first playoff appearance here in Season 8, how does that feel?

Cassia Helsinki: How does it make me feel? I think we’ve been working very hard, training as much as possible, and this is all just a product of that hard work. In splorts, you get what you give.  Over the seasons, our batting has gotten stronger and stronger, and our pitchers are some of the most ruthless in the league.

CSW: Has anyone in particular stood out to you this season?

CH: Well, I think it’s unfair to point out anyone in particular because it’s truly been a team effort, but I genuinely have to shout out our pitchers and our pitching staff. Zack, Eugenia, and Sandoval have been playing a different game.  Sandoval is tied for highest strikeout percentage at almost 25%, Zack is 5th 23.2% this season. When they pitch, a quarter of the hitter strike out. If you look at walks and hits per inning pitched (WHIP), our blall club is killing it. Traditionally, the average WHIP in blaseball is around 1.3. Sandoval has a .861. Zach has a 1.05, Miguel a 1.036, Eugenia a 1.104. We’re striking out a quarter of our opponents, and  only allowing a hit OR walk an inning. In blaseball, nobody has control until the ball is in play, and that’s up the pitcher. The defense starts with them, and there is nothing like having full confidence in that defense.

CSW: That’s a lot of statistics, is that how you see the game?

CH: Well, you have to be honest with yourself. I have always wanted to be the best, in whatever I do, and I want to put ourselves in a position where if the players also want to be the best, we can be the best. I provide the managers with as much data and information as I can, and hope we can work towards creating a winning game plan. A lot of things fall to the gods, but statistics can pull just as much from them as they can take from us.

CSW: I understand completely. Winning is a mindset, some great players have said.

CH: I agree.

CSW: Speaking of the gods, do you fear the peanut?

CH: We have Coach Sol, why would I fear a legume?

CSW: After what happened to Jaylen, and we are after all in the Randall Marijuana Memorial Cat Café, that’s genuinely what you believe?

CH: The gods can place whatever they’d like in front of us, the sun is what provides. If you look at our players’ star ratings that the gods have given us, they aren’t that impressive. But the sum of those parts, inspired by Coach Sol, have risen above basic star ratings. We are more than what the gods deem us capable of, and I think our results show that.

CSW: That’s a bold statement.

CH: The nut is too busy dealing with the games it’s trying to play it’s children. We’re here to win blaseball games. The Monitor will see that everything is handled, as is intended.

Confidence poured off Helsinki in waves, crushing any doubt I had about the Sunbeams chances in the playoffs. We chat for a few more minutes before they receive a phone call. They tell me it’s urgent business, that the life of a Blaseball Assistant Manager is a flurry of games and players and numbers. Never enough time in the day to do the things they need to. I hear the bell on the front door chime as they leave.

I sip on Sunn Light as I look out the window into the courtyard. A small patch of weeds has caught fire, but there isn’t any other greenery left for it to spread to. The Sunbeams seem like they’re in a good position heading into their first playoff berth of the current era ILB.

Helsinki spoke highly of their pitching and their overall defense, but we can’t be ignoring the offense either. Nerd Pacheco has a batting average of .328, which is number 3 in the league. Hahn Fox has the third most triples hit in the ILB with 22, and the most total bases with 232. When it comes to hits, Hahn and Nerd are 1 & 2 in the league with 108 and 101 respectively.  Igneus Delacruz is also on fire with 97 hits, tied for 6th. Nerd Pacheco and Hahn Fox are seen together on the leaderboard yet again, this time in slugging percentage (how many bases per at bat, not counting walks or hit-by-pitches). Nerd is number 4 in the ILB with 63%, and Hahn number 5 with a 62.9%.

Making my way out of the Café, I realize Cassia is right. When you look at the numbers, the Sunbeams are in a very good position. Moving into their first post season appearance, I don’t think it’s naïve to think the Sunbeams have a real shot to go all the way. After the drama and intensity of Season 7, things have been fairly quiet however. With a siesta approaching next week, it really makes me nervous — what does the post-season have in store for all of us?

The post Sunbeams on Fire as they Head into Postseason appeared first on Blaseball News Network.