OPS+ = On base Plus Slugging +. An estimator of good hitting, average is 100, higher number is better.
ERA- = Earned Run Average -. An estimator of good pitching, average is 100, lower number is better.
OAA = Outs Above Average. An estimator of good fielding, average is 0, higher number is better.

1. THE MOAB HELLMOUTH SUNBEAMS

“Sartre once said, Hell is a lineup of batters all with an OPS over .900.”
S2 Run Differential: +303 Lineup OPS+ rank: #1, 127.7 Rotation ERA- rank: #11, 94.6 Team OAA rank: #19, -24.6

Towering over them all are the Sunbeams, and they are hitting, their bats lively and quick and doubling down the line and they are bowing to the ladies. They will never stop hitting, they say. They say they will never die. You might look and think, hey, that run prevention seems not great! Who cares? They score 8 runs per game! The Sunbeams strength is not just in their great hitters, but the length of their lineup. This is the only Blaseball team with no hitters in their lineup with a below league average OPS. Even with their balance, there are a few players who stand out here. Two great infielders in Kajjala Aliyev and Cravel Gesundheit (2nd and 8th best Wins Above Average (WAA) respectively) are perfectly situated to get a good amount of ground balls despite low Reach, and also hit extremely well. Mooney Doctor carries the rotation with a top ten in the league FIP. But really, it’s just hitting. Hitting that never stops. Hitting. HITTING.

2. THE MEXICO CITY WILD WINGS

“Bane: You merely adopted your good hitters! We were born with them!”
S2 Run Differential: +212 Lineup OPS+ rank: #2, 119.8 Rotation ERA- rank: #10, 91.1 Team OAA rank: #11, 20.7

Unlike other Blaseball teams that won boosts to get to the top of the league, the Wings are ALL NATURAL. Unfortunately, when you live by the sim, you also die by the sim. The Wings have had seven different position players in the top 40 of WAA over the course of the first two seasons: Katja Twain (seasons one and two), Fletcher Peck (season one), Baldwin Jones (season one), Nori Bluegrass (season one), Letitia Diop (season one), James Boy (season two), and Arugula Hadji (season two). They also have had the fourth best (season one) and tenth best (season two) pitcher by WAA in Viernon Sierpinski and sixth best (season one) pitcher by WAA in Anastasia Isarobot. Of those nine players, two were incinerated, and three were shadowed at some point or another. Perhaps the best strategy going forward is to appease the sim with some kind of blood sacrifice. Wait, never mind. Let’s not give the sim any ideas. 

3. THE YELLOWSTONE MAGIC

“Why does the larger team simply not win another boost blessing?”
S2 Run Differential: +199 Lineup OPS+ rank: #3, 117.65 Rotation ERA- rank: #6, 87.4 Team OAA rank: #6, 36.7

The Yellowstone Magic are the only Blaseball team in the league thus far which has won two boost blessings (Pitching and Wind Sprints) and will soon test just how overpowered boosts are. (The answer is very.) With wind sprints, the Magic have turned into a triple-mashing team at 123 total, the only other Blaseball team with more than 100 is the Flowers with 102. Kiki Avci in particular hit 40, and also led the league in OPS with 1.432 (also, also hit over .400!). Demet Cabrera is defensively awesome on the infield and hits well, making them the best player in the league in WAA by a full win over the second best player. Rat Mason and Mooney Doctor II are poised to lead an awesome pitching staff, and Duncan Phantom is about all you can ask for in an incineration replacement. If this team doesn’t win the title, it would be a choke. A gag. Don’t blow it. No pressure.

4. THE BOSTON FLOWERS

“More Stealth than Metal Gear Solid.”
S2 Run Differential: +192 Lineup OPS+ rank: #5, 112.9 Rotation ERA- rank: #3, 77.6 Team OAA rank: #15, 4.1

Another boost-blessed Blaseball team, the Flowers turned a 35-55 record in Season One into a 60-30 record in Season Two thanks to the overall team boost. Just by looking at their baseline hitting stars, one might be a little unimpressed (2.745 in their lineup, 7th worst in the league), but they pack a secret: the second highest Stealth score in the league, a stat which helps them produce slugging (they hit the most doubles in the league at 417 and the second most triples at 102). Combine that with an overall excellent pitching staff, and you’ve got a solid contender. Zack Sanders exemplifies their offensive style of play (3rd best WAA in the league, of their 156 hits only 33 are singles) and Amir Murphy (16th best pitching WAA) is a solid ace. Famous mascot Jessica Telephone is also there for moral support.

5. THE CHARLESTON SHOE THIEVES

“A defensive wizard on the Shoe Thieves? Never heard of that before.”
S2 Run Differential: +121 Lineup OPS+ rank: #8, 102.1 Rotation ERA- rank: #2, 77.4 Team OAA rank: #1, 58

The Shoe Thieves are extremely lazy. Only three of their position players have more than .400 Reach, and two of them play in right field, which tends not to see much action. Cue Penelope Berkowitz. Combine a midfielder position with low reach teammates and nobody playing in left field and you have a recipe for a single player doing everything on defense. Berkowitz fielded 652 chances at a 79% success rate last season, the most chances of any player in the league at a highly efficient clip. Throw in the solid offensive threesome of Vee Curry, Fish Summer, and Kaj Statter Jr. and you’re cooking with gas. The pitching staff doesn’t have to be amazing to get outs with their one-man defense. The Jammy Decksetter alternate thinned their lineup by quite a bit, but they can still win by emulating a group project where everyone offloads the work onto one person.

6. THE HAWAI’I FRIDAYS

“How good are the vibes? There’s a player named Mags Highlife.”
S2 Run Differential: +110 Lineup OPS+ rank: #9, 100.4 Rotation ERA- rank: #4, 81.9 Team OAA rank: #2, 56.3

The Fridays had the best defense in the league by Defensive Efficiency Ratio (DER), but there is a very serious question as to how long that can persist. A huge chunk of value was provided by top ten WAA player Elijah Valenzuela, the best defender in the top ten of position players. A good hitting, good defending infielder is kind of a cheat code. Here’s the issue: Valenzuela got alternated in game 85. Eun Senior and Stephanie Schmitt are both solid pitchers even with a fall-off on defense, but Sexton Wheerer and Svetlana Dickens are not. Oxen Seo and Justice Spoon will need to carry the Blaseball team offensively with a new, worse hitting former star. At least the vibes will be good

7. THE ATLANTIS GEORGIAS

“So fresh and so clean.”
S2 Run Differential: +89 Lineup OPS+ rank: #4, 113 Rotation ERA- rank: #17, 105.8 Team OAA rank: #15, 4.4

The Georgias are proof of the theory that a good offense matters more for success than run prevention because they are a bottom half pitching staff and defense that still wins because they hit the damn ball. First, we gotta talk about Mckinney Vaughan, who is a legit star. The best position player in season one by WAA and the fifth best in season two, Vaughan is an excellent hitter and defender AND plays the infield (cheat code!). The hitting foursome of Doc Cash, Juan Murphy, Khulan Kebede, and Beck Whitney means the lineup isn’t just top-heavy. Unfortunately, the pitching is kind of a mess, with a group of players who can’t strike anybody out (league average strikeouts per 9 innings is 7.2, and the Georgias are at 5.9). This staff puts a lot of pressure on the defense, so if balls aren’t getting hit to the right defenders, woof. With this pitching, the Georgias are probably destined to make the playoffs and get eliminated in the first round for a while.

8. THE BROKEN RIDGE JAZZ HANDS

“Why are they called the Jazz Hands?”
S2 Run Differential: +64 Lineup OPS+ rank: #6, 105.2 Rotation ERA- rank: #12, 96.8 Team OAA rank: #21, -44

They won a boost! Every other Blaseball team from the season one election that won a boost saw massive to strong improvement, enough to make the playoffs and get deep into the postseason. The Jazz Hands, however? Well, luck was not on their side. In game 42, Bonk Jokes was alternated from a very good lineup player into a not-so-good one. Their second best hitter, Sigmund Castillo, was cursed to not lose. Their pitching staff boost’s value was blunted by a terrible defense. Evelton McBlase II, their best pitcher, was the 35th best in the league by WAA, at least. Their offense should still be solid, led by doubles machine Qais Dogwalker, but not enough to overcome a leaky defense with a very bad defender, Albert Stink, hogging the infield. 

9. THE SAN FRANCISCO LOVERS

“How many juniors can we fit into one name?”
S2 Run Differential: +44 Lineup OPS+ rank: #18, 95 Rotation ERA- rank: #8, 88.9 Team OAA rank: #13, 5.6

How did this Blaseball team make the playoffs? Only three of their eight hitters were above league average in OPS. Their pitching staff walks people and doesn’t generate a ton of strikeouts. According to WAA, they overperformed by 6 wins, so maybe some of this was luck and a top-heavy division, but let’s try and pick out the good stuff here. Alvie Kesh is a top 11 player by WAA, great offensively, although you wish they would try to maybe field a little more (.023 Reach/ 1.145 Magnet). Mordecai Kingbird is a nice number 2 hitter with basically the same defensive preferences as Kesh. The rotation is anchored by the very good Erin Jesaulenko, and the rest of the pitchers are carried by a lineup that maybe can’t hit very well, but is at least slightly positive on the whole defensively. This team is probably due for some regression, but a Blaseball team that keeps games low-scoring can always win some lucky coin tosses.

10. THE BALTIMORE CRABS

“In their soft shell era.”
S2 Run Differential: +26 Lineup OPS+ rank: #14, 97.3 Rotation ERA- rank: #6, 87.7 Team OAA rank: #8, 32.3

Perhaps the sim has fallen out of love. The Crabs are still a competitive Blaseball team, but their poor hitting means that they are unlikely to challenge for a playoff spot. Losing Ramirez Winters to incineration in game 68 meant that a top 3 WAA player in season one was now dusted and the Crabs defense/offense was worse off for it. The formerly zoneless Tiera Wigdoubt is now going to have to step up as the team’s best player, but those are big shoes to fill. Declan Suzanne was the 9th best pitcher by WAA and the lead on a solid rotation, but how much the defense suffers without Winters remains to be seen. The Crabs are firmly lodged in mid.

11. THE CORE MECHANICS

“We may or may not be able to fix this.”
S2 Run Differential: +8 Lineup OPS+ rank: #10, 100.4 Rotation ERA- rank: #14, 100.9 Team OAA rank: #16, -7

Sheri Friday. Sheri was carrying massive weight on the Mechanics lineup before getting alternated into a bad hitter on day 88 of the season. Sheri led the league in doubles with 72, had the second highest OPS in the league at 1.341 (a long way away from their second best teammate Comfort Septemberish and their .934) and hit the third most homers to boot. Scoobert Toast and Tevin Melcon are a good pair of pitchers with above average strikeout rates, but here’s the thing. Losing a 5+ win player from your Blaseball team sucks, especially at the tail end of a season where you’re going nowhere. Time to rebuild. 

12. THE KANSAS CITY BREATH MINTS

“Please sir, may I have some better batters?”
S2 Run Differential: +8 Lineup OPS+ rank: #22, 85.5 Rotation ERA- rank: #1, 69.3 Team OAA rank: #6, -36.6

The Breath Mints appear to be locked in a life or death struggle to field a Blaseball team that wins or loses every game of the season 1-0. Let’s start with the pitching. Plums Blather led the league in strikeouts. Hatfield Suzuki and Hops Chen are not far behind them. Their worst pitcher is better than the league average by ERA. They have some very good defenders up and down the lineup, but their standout player by volume is Brooklyn Nottingham, who is also their best hitter by OPS and the 4th most valuable position player in the league by WAA. Unfortunately, only having two hitters (Stretch Sutton being the other) who can actually hit is kind of an issue. A big key to their punchless offense is how station-to-station it is, with their league worst lineup Stealth score. Perhaps Vernon Glump will help, retrieved via Yeet.

13. THE PHILLY PIES

“A team that is its own Bizarro team.”
S2 Run Differential: -5 Lineup OPS+ rank: #11, 98.5 Rotation ERA- rank: #14, 101.5 Team OAA rank: #17, -9.4

This Blaseball team comes into its games fighting for its life against itself. There are good players on this team! Four top fifty WAA players in the lineup! Amos Parveen! Siobhan Chark! Tucker Thane! Jira Sealegs! But there are also four bottom forty players! Bevan Wise! Ariadne Amaat! Dimi Wobbler! Lucas Petty! What about pitchers? Three top twenty pitchers by WAA! Steals Chark! Pudge Nakamoto! Marco Escobar! But also! Two bottom ten pitchers! Augusto Reddick! Thomas Marsh! When this team finally defeats its true demon, itself, it will become a contender.

14. THE MIAMI DALE

“The best team Alternates can buy. Turns out Alternates can’t buy much.”
S2 Run Differential: -8 Lineup OPS+ rank: #16, 96.2 Rotation ERA- rank: #8, 90.9 Team OAA rank: #10, 24.1

Really good, well-rounded players are hard to generate. This is the lesson I feel like we learn from alternates. The Dale alternated four players on their team after the season one election, including one twice, and it feels…fine? Serge Shortvat joined Sixpack Santiago with double S names and also having defensive skill, Una Manhattan became a little better than league average as a pitcher, and Eddie Mulberry took two alternations and is the 200th worst position player in the league by WAA. Joe Voorhees is an excellent slugger and Malik Romayne is a great pitcher, but this Blaseball team needed better results from their alternates, and what they got was a whole plate of meh.

15. THE CANADA MOIST TALKERS

“Stan Van Gundy Voice: Form a freaking wall!”
S2 Run Differential: -52 Lineup OPS+ rank: #20, 94.9 Rotation ERA- rank: #13, 99.9 Team OAA rank: #3, 41.2

Wind Sprints is an interesting boost because it can function as a boost to a middling pitching staff as well as a slight boost to team overall slugging, at least in theory. How much that will do for a Blaseball team that struggles to hit the ball will be interesting, but the run prevention results should be good for a team that has great Reach/Magnet numbers across the board. The Talkers already had the boringly named Scott Gray as a top twenty WAA player and solid infield hitter. Now, the defensive buff gives them three players over 1 Magnet in Jay Camacho, Donna Milicic, and Khulan Sagaba. Eris Street was already a strong pitcher for the Talkers, but the rest of a fairly mediocre rotation should get pulled up by this Blaseball team’s wall of defense.

16. THE SEATTLE GARAGES

“I got it, I got it, I got it, I don’t got it.”
S2 Run Differential: -56 Lineup OPS+ rank: #7, 103 Rotation ERA- rank: #21, 118.1 Team OAA rank: #24, -89.5

The thing that seems to separate the middling Blaseball teams from the bad teams appears to be this: elite baddies. The absolute worst players out there, often in multiple. This brings us to the Garages. They won a thwack boost and have a top ten offense. Normally, 1) winning a boost and 2) hitting well, means success, but nope. This Blaseball team has an anti-MVP. Susan Witherspoon is the team’s leading fielder with 474 chances, and fields at a .601 DER (League average is .709).  Susan also can’t hit. Combine all that, and WAA has them pegged as the second worst player in the game, producing -6.8 wins this past season. A large chunk of the remaining lineup isn’t much better on defense, with four other players below league average. This is unfortunate for Brisket Friendo, the pitcher WAA thinks is the best in the league two seasons running. There are good hitters here, like Hendricks Richardson and a good name in Sheev Shriffle, plus a potentially beastly hitter in Chambers Simmons doing King Arthur stuff, but this team needs some fielding drills, badly.

17. THE DALLAS STEAKS

“Nobody on the infield. It’ll definitely work.”
S2 Run Differential: -62 Lineup OPS+ rank: #20, 96.7 Rotation ERA- rank: #18, 105.8 Team OAA rank: #4, 40.6

The Steaks have the backbone of a good run prevention Blaseball team, and a smattering of good but not great players mixed in with a roster of mostly below average folk. Their worst player is probably pitcher Archie Lampman, but a pitcher in the current schedule only throws 18 games a season, so it could be worse. Unfortunately, their best players have some drawbacks. Vanille Okidoke is an awesome name and a good hitter with bad defense, Baby Sliders is a good defender with bad hitting, and Agan Harrison is a good pitcher but, again, 18 games a season. Their defensive positioning, which has everyone in the outfield, means Sliders is their closest player to the defensively valuable area (good) but has to range out of position to cover it entirely (bad). The Steaks need to, uh, cook more.

18. THE CHICAGO FIREFIGHTERS

“NEEERRRRDDDDDD!!!”
S2 Run Differential: -91 Lineup OPS+ rank: #24, 80.5 Rotation ERA- rank: #5, 86.4 Team OAA rank: #7, 36

At the bottom of the league, there are three types of Blaseball teams. Ones that can’t hit, ones that can’t prevent runs, and ones that can’t do a damn thing. The Firefighters are the type that can’t hit, and I’m making a not so bold pronouncement that is the second worst problem aside from being completely terrible. The Firefighters lack of hitting is uniquely bad. Most teams have at least one or two elite to very good hitters. The Firefighters are the only Blaseball team without a single hitter above league average by OPS. Not one. Now, Yosh Carpenter is a top 30 WAA player strictly because of defense, but when your best position player hits under .200, that is tough. Nerd Pacheco and Lupita Juice also contribute to a very good defense, and WAA thinks the FFs have two top five pitchers in Don Elliott and Karato Rangel, but this team needs somebody, literally anybody, who can hit. A single damn person!

19. THE OHIO WORMS

“The less extreme version of the Lift!”
S2 Run Differential: -118 Lineup OPS+ rank: #13, 97.6 Rotation ERA- rank: #22, 121.7 Team OAA rank: #12, 11.1

This team is bizarre. Let’s try to take it piece by piece. Malin Hsu and Itsuki Weeks are both good hitters, but the entire rest of the lineup is extremely average or below that, yet never quite trawling the bottom of the league like some other bad Blaseball teams. Arturo Huerta is probably a top 30 pitcher but the rest of the staff is awful and guileless (lowest rotation Guile in the league). The defense has some very good defenders on it (Badgerson Stromboli) but the two players who fielded the most for them by far are Malin Hsu and Archie Yanez, who together have sucked up 1211 opportunities out of the team’s total of 2721 and are extremely bad at defending. This team’s problems seem so…particular that I have no idea what to say here so let’s move on.

20. THE HOUSTON SPIES

“Striking out in multiple senses of the phrase.”
S2 Run Differential: -166 Lineup OPS+ rank: #17, 96.1 Rotation ERA- rank: #20, 114.6 Team OAA rank: #20, -40.5

When you start diving into the Spies numbers, you kind of get why they might be packing it in for a team-wide strikeout. If you scan the WAA leaderboard, you have to scroll down a bit before you see a Spy hitter, Rivers Rosa at #60. Rosa played in 41 games before being incinerated, replaced by Mimosa Arslan who was doing pretty well, and then also got incinerated. Bees Gorczyca loves to field a ton of balls and is very bad at it. Wyatt Mason IV is at least an ace, but former legends Howell Franklin and Margarito Nava are horrendous pitchers. The team had 14 different players take at-bats in their lineup, a tumultuous second season due to weather and other factors. This is pretty rough, but there’s not much more the sim can do to screw stuff up, surely!

21. THE LA UNLIMITED TACOS

“Give us some damn wills.”
S2 Run Differential: -171 Lineup OPS+ rank: #21, 86.6 Rotation ERA- rank: #19, 108.7 Team OAA rank: #18, -20.2

Well, good news. The Tacos won one of the most effective blessings in the game. The bad news? Everything else, especially the large number of players they have doing the wrong thing on the field. Jenkins Good is a fine hitter who would be an awesome pitcher. Nigel Candy is one of the worst hitters in the league who should be pitching.  Yulia Skitter is a terrible pitcher who should be hitting. The shadows and, uh, the dirt are housing a lot of potential upgrades to the lineup. The pitching staff is without note for the most part, but at least the lineup has a few gems. Malik Destiny is a top ten player by WAA in the league and an excellent slugger, plus Piper Legume was a nice incineration replacement and a good overall player. If only the roster could be shuffled around…

22. THE NEW YORK MILLENNIALS

“There’s a player named Guacamole on the team.”
S2 Run Differential: -207 Lineup OPS+ rank: #15, 97.3 Rotation ERA- rank: #23, 138.7 Team OAA rank: #23, -85.2

The Mills don’t have a terrible lineup to build from. Offensively, anyway. Hernando Winter is an excellent hitter and Clayton Legume ain’t bad either. Run prevention is unfortunately a nightmare. Bennett Bluesky is a good pitcher whose ERA is worse than it should be because of this defense. The non-Bluesky pitchers are giving up an average of 6-10 runs per game, with Jonathan Catalina being the second worst pitcher in the league by WAA. There’s some hope for improvement, slim as it is. Ren Hunter’s defensive buff might be enough to juice the defensive efficiency a bit out of the basement of the league. Realistically though, this Blaseball team is going to need some work. Old people are going to make millennial jokes about this team for a while.

23. THE HADES TIGERS

“The mighty have fallen, but did they have to fall like this?”
S2 Run Differential: -220 Lineup OPS+ rank: #23, 83 Rotation ERA- rank: #15, 105.4 Team OAA rank: #9, 29.8

The once dominant Tigers of the Discipline Era are, these guys are not. The Hades Tigers are about as punchless as it gets, with the league’s worst average of batting stars in the lineup. The Velasquez Alstott incineration replacement Hana Wildebeest has been a massive step down in quality, both offensively and defensively, and in fact, perhaps they are making up for lost incineration time, because Leandra Beech and Steals Mondegreen were also incinerated in Season 2. Gloria Bugsnax was the worst position player in the league by WAA. Their highest ranked lineup player is Adrian Melon, the 76th highest WAA in the league. They have one of the best defensive players in the league, well-positioned and talented in Stevenson Heat, but Heat also is one of only two hitters in the league with a negative WRC+ (batting number that is extremely not good). Amaya Jackson is a top tier pitcher at least. I’d say they’re probably wishing they were fireproof again in the new era, but, eh, maybe not.

24. THE TOKYO LIFT

“Trying hard to turn every other team’s lineup into the Sunbeams.”
S2 Run Differential: -230 Lineup OPS+ rank: #12, 98.4 Rotation ERA- rank: #24, 145 Team OAA rank: #22, -84.6

If you’re going to be the worst Blaseball team in the league, at least be entertaining, and the Lift mostly live up to that. This team is built like it thinks it’s in a home run derby whenever it plays a game, a home run derby it usually loses. The team’s ERA is 7.24. Look at that! Just look at it! The third worst Blaseball team in the league by ERA, the Worms, is a FULL RUN BETTER on average. This team on average has to score 8 runs just to win a game. To be fair, there is some offense here to make that occasionally possible. Roscoe Sundae and Vernon Cotterpin are two awesome sluggers, but the offense also features two of the worst position players in the league in Gumdrop Che Amran and Barry Burkhard. Silvia Rugrat is the worst pitcher in the league by WAA, the only pitcher to subtract 5 wins from their team. The Lift could be greatly improved just by having run prevention that wasn’t an utter tire fire, but their defense and pitching staff apparently enjoy numbers going up just as much as the rest of us.

Thanks to Bagyilisk, glumbaron, Abyline, and Sproutella for the Coronation Era statistics and advanced statistics.

-InnercityGriot, who’s a part of Blaseball Analysis Co, which you can find at https://blaseballanalysisco.libsyn.com/

The post Blaseball Not-So-Grand Siesta’s Speed Dating: Team Capsule Rundown and Review appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Season CE2 of Blaseball brought us the meteoric rise of the now suddenly estimable (#1 in the previous power ranking) Hellmouth Sunbeams, and their exciting win over the Boston Flowers. In their wake, we suddenly have a surge of teams primed for some powerful streaks in Blaseball Season CE3. From the Finalist Flowers, still craving blood to water the Garden with, to the Magic, prepared for a full on evil heel turn, to the Wings and Shoe Thieves, both looking to recapture glory unbound.

Our crack team of writers, estimators, reporters, bloggers, and stlatisticians put in more effort than ever, with a renewed focus on topical, direct pieces for each team and another record for power ranking submissions: 33 in total! In this Coronation Era of Blaseball, the Blaseball News Network continues to evolve and grow thanks to our writers, contributors, and supporters. With all that being said, it’s time for the Season CE3 Power Ranking:

On to the HUBRIS!

24. Hades Tigers [-4]

Hubris Index: 2.32

The Hades Tigers season (2) of nightmares started off with our best batter Zephyr McCloud leaving due to his Curse, rendering our bats as cold as the vacuum of space, an omen for the horrendous season to come. And horrendous it was, as the Tigers led the league in incinerated players with three beloved players (RIV Velasquez Alstott, Steals Mondegreen, and rookie Leandra Beech) being incinerated.

The Tigers now have the worst batting in the league, and no amount of Stevenson Heat defense or Grit Freeman pitching can make up for that. On the bright side, the aforementioned Grit Freeman really stepped it up this season, and Elip Dean played a bit better as well! Jackson and Caper, our best pitchers from the prior season, both had weak seasons, but a bounce back is not out of the question.

With our league-best defense and alright pitching, the election was the perfect place to fix our batting problem and catapult our team to success, and if we won batting boost we’d be all set!

We didn’t win anything.

The Tigers stagger out of the election empty-handed and with numerous wounds in need of licking. The future looks bleak, season 3 will not be a good one for the Tigers, but they will play valiantly nonetheless, and the Tigers give up as often as they look back. Never. For now, just hope for the safety of our beloved players and hope for blessings.

-benoak1999

23. Tokyo Lift [-1]

Hubris Index: 2.00

Lift bad. Sorry for exploding your guy, Worms! Other than that, we didn’t win anything. Having been one of the worst teams in both NEW Season 1 and NEW Season 2, expect worse in NEW Season 3.

-otterpopd

22. Houston Spies [-8]

Hubris Index: 2.32

The Spies are not getting a Golden Record this season. Last season’s campaign was waylaid by Experimentation, as Houston became the first team to accumulate all four player modifications. Terrell Bradley’s Alternation and Rivers Rosa’s incineration delivered two large hits to the Spies, moving a .500 team to the basement of Evil. Ser Sevgi is Questing, but it will take more than a few side quests to double last season’s paltry 27 wins and reach playoff consideration.

Entering Season 3, the Spies have the 3rd lowest average pitching and the 4th lowest batting in the League, both barely over 2.5 stars. The election proved this point by cursing Scratch Deleuze, whose surely swift removal from the lineup will improve these averages to…slightly more than barely over 2.5 stars, respectively. So no, the Spies are not going to Win by acquiring more wins than other teams, and may face the franchise’s first Party Time hosting assignment (we hope you like beige).

No, the goal this season is to Win by Further Experimentation. Their 74% vote share for Knight Strike was the standout performance of the Election, and they have garnered the Strike Two team modification for their trouble. Spies remain committed to pushing for Strike Three, since apparently playing Blaseball will not be this Blaseball team’s strong suit for the foreseeable future. Whether by strike out, shut out or black out, the Spies’ future appears to be [REDACTED].

-Lilienne

21. New York Millennials [-]

Hubris Index: 3.65

Something happened to the Millennials! Ren Hunter gained the benefits of the Ball Hawk blessing, giving them a wider range of defensive options. With a Rogue Ump favor for Jana Beats and Ryuji Ngozi’s Alternate into a slightly better batter, I think the Millennials’ fortunes are turning for the better. Though, we’re still pretty bad. This is not the early Expansion Era, when pitching was our thing. Bennett Bluesky can’t do it all by themselves.

I can only hope the roving Band will stay on the Millennials’ playlist to drag us up the Standings.

–Clip Clipperson

20. Ohio Worms [-2]

Hubris Index: 3.09

Nothing interesting happens in Ohio.

We started this season with the previous elections … in which we won nothing. The team was not improved; other teams in the division were. We had five equally subpar pitchers, an uneven lineup, and a defense that leans up against the wrong fence so often you’d think there was a George Thorogood song written about them. I declared us to be terrible, and expected to have the worst record in the league. I’m fairly sure that the team won one more game than the Lift just to spite me, despite going 2-4 in the season against them.

This season, the Umpires played their Favorites and Cursed and Swore their way through the league. Well, most of the league: Winnie Hess dodged the Bard’s curse and parried the Knight’s swear. Badgerson Stromboli also parried the Knight. Yawn.

Then, for the 2nd consecutive δ season, the Worms failed to win a blessing. No changes. Wait, what’s that you say? Because the LIFT won a Blessing, we incinerated bottom 10% ERA pitcher Johnnyboy Aster? Maybe we have addition by subtraction? Let’s check the replacement pitcher, Luis Baron. Hrm, looks like Luis’ pitching attributes are closest statistically to Sandie Carver’s. So let’s compare Johnnyboy and Sandie:

Aster: 6.47 ERA, 2.5 HR/9, Opp. BA: .311
Carver: 6.78 ERA, 2.4 HR/9, Opp. BA: .307

Prediction? 33-57, one game worse than last season. Why?

Because nothing interesting happens in Ohio.

–Ifhbiff

19. Core Mechanics [-10]

Hubris Index: 3.69

The Mechs are bad. Firstly, a tough schedule and the extent of the buffs revealed, the Mechanics started this season struggling and never fully recovered despite an incredible new league record shutout of 23-0 against the Firefighters on Day 73.

The Mechanics seemingly have a history with the Mage Umpire who proceeded to alternate three Mechanics players. Two of these were relatively fine: Neerie McCloud seemingly became a worse pitcher, but a far better baserunner and fielder. Niu Chen, after alternation, became the Mechs’ best defender at the cost of their ability to hit the ball.

The main headline though was Sheri Friday’s alternation, ranked 8th best batter by BNN last season. They are now the worst batter in the Mechanics’ lineup. The team’s brightest star was taken out by a Mage Strike.

Finally, a cruel ironic twist of fate in the Election gave the Mechanics the Mage Strike blessing. The blessing gave the team its first strike, while the Spies’ Knight Strike has sent Chibodee Alighieri on a quest in the shadows.

Ultimately, this season will be placed alongside the disastrous Season 21 as a season to be moved on from but not forgotten. The Mechs find themselves on their own quest, standing in the face of adversity, in need of an extensive rebuild, and an Umpire standing in their way.

-CraftedRobot

18. Chicago Firefighters [+6]

Hubris Index: 4.00

Anything can happen in Blaseball. In Season 2 of the Coronation Era, that means the Chicago Firefighters, previously in contention for worst in the league, can finish with a 41-49 record, placing 3rd 4th in the Awful Evil division. With Nerd Pacheco and two other midfielders (literally) stacking the field and pitchers Don Elliot (2.87 ERA) and Karato Rangel (3.22 ERA) holding down the fort, Chicago’s defense is making up for it’s, frankly, awful batting.

The Firefighters also dodged the worst of the new weather this season, with Yosh Carpenter parrying a Knight Umpire’s swear and Ralph Vincent being alternated twice, seeing an overall improvement in stars when the dust settled.

The Season 2 elections gave Chicago the Dark Matter blessing, adding 5 players to the Firefighters’ shadows including 3.5 star batter Oscar Hollywood and 3.5 star pitcher Grit Watson. The Firefighters also came out unscathed from the 3 strike blessings won by other Awful Evil teams.

All in all, the Chicago Firefighters haven’t changed much going into Season 3, a benefit in their strike heavy division. I guess some things in Blaseball do stay the same. After all, We Are From Chicago. We Are Always From Chicago.

-Luna (TheoreticalBartender#3559)

17. Dallas Steaks [-]

Hubris Index: 3.37

The Dallas Steaks… my mortal enemy. In the middle of writing this, one of my doors broke, so I had to go to Lowe’s to pick up a new handle to put back on the door.

The Steaks are not dissimilar to me and my door. A broken handle (our bad luck) is holding back my perfectly fine door (our okay stats)! Another week without a blessing leaves us in an extremely similar position to last season. Except that last season, the Steaks pulled it together in the latter half, to play what I thought they would, .500. Somehow, Steaks took their bottom of the division performance in the beginning of the season, and, WITH ONE SINGLE EVENT FROM THE UMPS, became a semi-formidable team. Hell, our opening 3 games were a Crabs Sweep, and Crabs Kinda Good!

But, like my broken handle— hey where’s my internet. DAMNIT! More bad luck. Steaks bad next season. Bad luck abides.

–Ophelia

16. Philly Pies [-1]

Hubris Index: 2.64

“Roll out the crust, get ready to cheer,
Philly Pies, we’re loud and clear!
We’ll hit it out, we’ll steal the base,
Philly Pies, we’re in this race!”

The Philadelphia Pies Blaseball Team is gearing up for a new season, and the energy and enthusiasm around the club are palpable. Despite ending last season 5th in Awful Good with a 42-48 record, placing them in the middle of the pack compared to the rest of the league, the Pies remain strangely optimistic about their chances to claim the championship this season.

However, the recent election of the Bard Umpire as the new Crew Chief could be a hindrance to the Pies’ success. The Bard Umpire favored Scattered Teams during the last season, and the Pies, who are Entangled, may be at a disadvantage against their already powerful division rivals, the Sunbeams and the Shoe Thieves, who are both Scattered teams.

The Philadelphia Pies also enter the new season without any additional blessings. Despite this setback, the team remains optimistic about their chances on the field. However, with several challenging teams in their league and division, as well as the possibility of facing an unfavorable Crew Chief, the Pies’ competition this season may be limited to securing Party Time. Despite the challenges ahead, the team remains committed to its motto of “Pie or Die” and is determined to make a strong showing in the coming season.

-Mallery, Knight Reporter

15. Baltimore Crabs [-3]

Hubris Index: 2.84

I think it’s safe to say, even without being inside the Crab’s Compound, that Season 2 didn’t live up to its potential. A scan of new “star” batter Tiera Wigdoubt’s events in the season show that though the near-maxed out batter is great at making contact (and is in the top 30 in walks), they struggle to hit the ball out of the infield. Tiera, in fact, managed to hit 0 home runs despite a ferocity of .903. She’s still a good batter, just not the elite you’d hope for as a blessing result.

So going into Season 3, are the Crabs good or are the Crabs bad? It’s hard to say. They’re in a division that keeps getting more competitive between the Sunbeams, Shoe Thieves, and Dale, and seem to be on the cusp of the playoffs despite some of the rougher schedules. At the same time, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone expecting this squad to take the field on Saturday.

I think one of the most interesting things about the Crabs is something they share with my team, the Sunbeams. With last season’s Power Rankings, there were exactly two teams that were hit exactly by the BNN average. The Sunbeams at #1 and the Crabs at #12. Until this team forges an identity, I think that’s likely where they’ll stay. So when it comes to Crabs good or Crabs bad, I’ll simply say the following:

Crabs Crabs.

–Panda

14. LA Unlimited Tacos [+9]

Hubris Index: 4.86

Upward trajectory. Having literally 3 of the worst 10 hitters in the league (Nigel Candy, Erin Beanbag and Pernelongo al-Wazir), winning the Batting Boost is a much welcome improvement.

While Soojin Gloom (RIV) will be missed, their replacement Piper Legume has already turned fans’ heads, and the boost won’t hurt their case either. Any similarities in moniker to Beta Taco Peanut Bong are purely coincidental, I’m told. The pitching might be mediocre (at best), and the defence holier than Swiss cheese, but this lineup can rake now.

–DeeJay and Benjy

13. Seattle Garages [-5]

Hubris Index: 3.38

Wait, you’re telling me we didn’t win anything? Huh, okay.

Garages are okay. We definitely aren’t making it to the playoffs, unless the Umps really don’t like the other teams in our division and our bestie the Rogue Ump decides to finally favor us. Maybe we will be late to party time though?

Season 2 was a dispassionate creature for the Garages. The shadowing of star batter Chambers Simmons definitely played a part in the team just falling short of a .500 record at the end of the season, and although he Found A Heart and became perhaps the best player in the entire league, it’s of no help to the team if he’s stuck on the sidelines.

Guess Who’s Thwack didn’t carry the team into the playoffs quite as easily as many fans hoped, many attributing it to perhaps the most difficult schedule of the season. Regardless of everything else, at least the election was kind to the team in one small way: by not hitting them with one of the many strikes that were available this season. Garages haven’t gotten worse, everyone else is just getting better. Which is kinda the same thing.

-vivi

12. Canada Moist Talkers [+7]

Hubris Index: 3.52

With an unimpressive 37-53 overall record for the Season 2, normally the Talkers would be looking for an unimpressive Season 3. But with some luck from the blessing, the Talkers have managed the 5th best running and league best defense. Khulan Sagaba leads the league’s running, while Jay Camacho does the same for defense. The Filth Zone has returned, and your players will learn that they do, in fact, hate it here.

That’s not to say the Talkers are championship ready. There are still a few notable problems, but batter Scott Gray will be looking to send the team’s offense to victory, while pitcher Eris Street looks to do the same from the mound. Abner Pothos also exists, although no one can tell what the spit changed yet.

The Talkers are looking to rebound for Season 3, so be prepared.

-The Den

Moist Talkers… Wimd? This season we had Khulan Sagaba get a modest favour from an Umpire, Tad Seeth dodging an Umpire swear AND an Umpire curse and… Well, not much else really. Our schedule had a quarter of our games against strong teams like the Sunbeams, Flowers, and Magic, and our batting is still pretty uppy downy, Simon Haley is still questing, and nothing else really hit us. We did win Wind Sprints but, its as they say, nothing ever happens to the Moist Talkers (hubris).

-Artemis (Post Office)

11. Broken Ridge Jazz Hands [-1]

Hubris Index: 3.36

In Season 2, the Broken Ridge Jazz Hands rode our strong offense and league average pitching to a solid finish – 2nd in Awful Evil, and 5th in the Evil League. However, along the way we were devastated by weather, and failed to win any blessings in the Election. A true Jazz standard.

Sigmund Castillo and Bonk Jokes were previously two of our best batters, with Bonk also being one of our only competent defenders. Now, Sigmund has embarked on a Can’t Lose journey across the league, and Bonk has been Alternated into a worse hitter and much worse defender. Our defense, which was already among the weakest in the league, is now even worse, and our diminished hitting and rotation of aspiring ground ball pitchers don’t give much reason to feel hopeful.

With the Bard ump’s forthcoming reign unlikely to benefit the Rogue aligned Jazz Hands, Season 2 will likely remain the our best performance in the Coronation Era for some time. Jazz, it seems, is really all about the playoffs you don’t make.

-deafhobbit

10. San Francisco Lovers [+6]

Hubris Index: 3.80

WOO! WE WON A BLESSING!! LET’S GO ALL THE– wait….

Alvie’s Magnetic Fielder blessing (and resultant 1.1 Magnet) should definitely mean some improvement in her ability to convert attempts to outs; although her unchanged Reach of .02 means she probably won’t make more attempts than this season, at about two per game, so it’ll be fairly minimal. On top of that, the Lovers already boasted a strong defense– 4th in the league in efficiency rating– so while this improvement is nice, it wasn’t sorely needed.

The team’s batting also took baby steps, although these were made during the season. Ramiel Jang’s lineup spot was refilled (RIV) and vacated by Muna Sichanta (Knightspeed!). This shorter roster gave more plate appearances to the team’s stronger hitters, like Kesh, Kingbird, and the newly-favored Baek.

Unfortunately, the good news ends before we reach pitching. Don’t be fooled by the rotation’s records; despite 4 shutouts, Durham Spaceman was 4th in the league for BB9; despite an 11-7 record, and Donia Dollie’s 9-9 record hides an abysmal 6.49 ERA. Neither of these players saw improvements this season, in the election or otherwise, and the pitching staff will still lean heavily on fielding and offensive support.

Season 2’s playoff-level performance is definitely exciting, and don’t get me wrong, we could definitely see that again; but without an easy schedule to help them as the league improves around them, it’s unlikely that San Francisco will Go All The Way in NEW! Season 3.

-Clair Mcrlwain, 4FM the KISS

9. Kansas City Breath Mints [-4]

Hubris Index: 3.75

It’s a tale as old as time: the Mints have the best pitching in the league, and it doesn’t matter because none of our batters want to hit the ball.

Our team ERA of 3.44 and WHIP of 1.038 are the lowest in the league. Three of the top five pitchers by WHIP and by ERA are Breath Mints, and our worst pitcher still has WHIP below 1.5. By pitching alone, this is a team that should stroll into the play-offs, and take a ring in a good year.

And then you look at our batting. Gods, what a mess. Our team has some bright spots – Brooklyn Nottingham is not only a stellar defender, but was our best batter last season with an OPS of 1.049. Hot on their heels is Stretch Sutton, with an OPS of 1.016, and Mindy Kugel could also have had OPS over 1 by the season’s end, had they not been squashed by Ayanna Dumpington.

And then the rest. A third of our line-up, including Dumpington, have BAs below 0.200. And while Dumpington had the decency to play 8th in the line-up, Jesse Tredwell was 3rd and an absolute curse. A free out for the other side, and completely miserable to watch.

The good news is that we won Yeet, and Jesse is off the team – so things are looking up for Kansas City. We’re unlikely to win a ring this season, but if Vernon Glump is even a slight improvement, it could make a huge difference.

-Finn

8. Miami Dale [+5]

Hubris Index: 2.27

Once a “16th place” meme, the Dale have quietly risen to the top third of the league in the new era of Blaseball. They didn’t have a dominant season in Season 2, but with winning records against the Crabs, Mechanics, Breath Mints and Lovers, and a respectable 8-10 season split with the very talented Shoe Thieves, this is a team to watch.

They win quietly despite their party aesthetic, relying on a solid defense (with two above-average defenders on the right side of the outfield in Serge Shortvat and Lottie Yoshida), capable pitching staff and a lineup led by Joe Voorhees (20 homers, .330 batting average) and Yurts Buttercup (26 homers, .318 average).

I don’t think we can count on the Dale winning a title quite yet, but don’t be surprised to see only partying in Miami this season coming in the form of a Post Season celebration.

–Firewall Andrews

7. Atlantis Georgias [-1]

Hubris Index: 1.66

Heading into Season 3, the Georgias look poised to once again claim the Awful Evil division title, with the same formula they’ve had the past two seasons: solid offence, a good pitcher or two, a middling defence, and, well, Justin Alstott. Unfortunately, being the most Awful Evil team in the league probably won’t be enough to win a championship just yet.

-boat

6. Hawai’i Fridays [+2]

Hubris Index: 3.49

The Fridays’ performance this era is looking like an exponential curve, and that means by season 4 we’ll have 16 wins, right?

Seriously though, I thought the Fridays were supposed to be chill. How is our defense so aggressively good? How did we end the season having given up the the third least runs in the whole league? How did we end the season tied for fifth best record in the league? How did we make it to the semi final, knocking out the Wild Wings, even after our best batter was alternated? (We miss you Elijah Valenzuela. Welcome to the world, Elijah Valenzuela!). In the face of an unpredictable umpire onslaught, we stayed incredibly consistent. And our blessing last season didn’t even make a big difference, it hit a pitcher’s defensive stats.

All of this leads me to conclude the Fridays are just good. I’m proud to call Hawai’i my team. That first semifinal game against the Sunbeams was a real joy to watch. Win or won’t we vibe, of course but bring on the wins please! Friday night magic final season 3, anyone?

–Kaz

The Fridays are good? Maybe? We surprised even ourselves by being postseason contenders in Coronation Era so far, but with the Mage Umpire alternating 2 of our players to make them worse hitters, we are left wanting. The alternation of Elijah is a particularly bitter blow, as our Offensive strength now hinges almost entirely on Justice Spoon. This, combined with our best defenders being Buried and on Rotation, makes it unclear how we will fair against the rest of our division going into Season 3*. We appreciate your estimations, but know that win or lose, we will vibe.

-elle, local friend and crab, lifeguard

5. Mexico City Wild Wings [-2]

Hubris Index: 2.36

In game 28, Baldwin Jones was incinerated, to be replaced by Baker Caster. Baldwin Jones (OPS 1.336) was replaced by Baker Caster (OPS 0.517). Baldwin Jones (Wings scored 9.2 runs per game) was replaced by Baker Caster (Wings scored 6.1 runs per game). Baldwin Jones (Wings went 23-5) was replaced by Baker Caster (Wings went 36-29).

In the elections, Baker Caster (OPS+ 62.8) was replaced by Atma Blueberry (Season 1 OPS+ 122.1). Atma’s no Baldwin, but they’re a lot better than Baker. The Wings keep having to work hard to not fall to earth like Icarus, but they still should have done enough to find themselves in the top third of the league.

–Spludge237

4. Charleston Shoe Thieves [-2]

Hubris Index: 1.31

A bolstered Kit Adamses is the only major change for the Thieves this offseason, and that suits Charleston just fine. This roster returns some of the top talent in ILB across the board, with a top 10 offense by OPS in Season 2, a top five ERA/FIP pitching staff that should only get better with Adamses’ newfound command, and the league’s best defensive player in Penelope Berkowitz patrolling the midfield.

Charleston needs to take a step forward against its main rivals, as it stumbled a bit when facing the Dale, Sunbeams and Flowers, their three biggest competitors in the Good conference against whom the Thieves went a combined 16-20. But that does mean they went 43-14 against the rest of ILB, so a few more close wins and clutch hits and we could see the Shoe Thieves be Dangerous in the Post Season once again in Season 3.

–Firewall Andrews

3. Boston Flowers [+8]

Hubris Index: 3.03

The Boston Flowers crashed their way into the Postseason, swept the Charleston Shoe Thieves, went to war with the Yellowstone Magic, and finally fell to the Hellmouth Sunbeams in an intense series that saw the first three games all end with a one-run differential.

Seeking to run it back, they’ve won the Strong Start Blessing, empowering their offensive capabilities. Their lineup now features four heavy hitting batters in a row, all with a BA of 0.3 or above – Duha Kamara (21st in Hits), Zack Sanders (2nd in Hits, 3rd in Doubles, 3rd in Triples, 3rd in Home Runs), Dervin Gorczyca (4th in Doubles,9th in Triples), and Zelda Highway (9th in Doubles, 29th in Triples).

For those keeping track, that means that three of the top 10 league leaders in Doubles are now batting directly one after the other, no longer held back by choke artists Skylar Khan and Jessica Telephone. Incidentally, Jessica Telephone, who now bats last for Boston, had a mere 0.242 BA in Season 2 but the 6th most Triples.

The Flowers aren’t a one trick pony either; they’re fifth or better by Average Stars in every single Skill Category. Scary.

The taste of victory still fresh, the Boston Flowers are hungry and determined. This time they may not be satisfied by a mere second-place finish.

–Kidror

2. Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams [-1]

Hubris Index: 4.24

The Sunbeams were estimated to win the second season’s championship and surprisingly did! Does this mean our curse is lifted? Well, no…but also yes? The Beams’ ridiculously high offense stayed the same all season as well as the election. None of the players got dropped on, incinerated, alternated or cursed, but we did gain a new player in Özlem Suttner during the last game vs the Flowers. Their Can’t Lose mod dropped when the Sunbeams won the championship, so Özlem will be staying with us, it seems. They’re a Sunbeam through and through with good batting and terrible defense. Welcome to the team!

Learn to Defend hit player Guozhi Ong. On the surface, the reroll may look bad. However, this could mean they’ll do less but do better at fielding. This would allow our better defender Cory Ross more fielding opportunities. That’s the only blessing that targeted the Sunbeam’s bad defense. But who cares though baby!! The best defense is the best offense. Plenty of matches against other teams ended in tight games with the Sunbeams out-scoring opponents by one or few runs. Can our offense still carry us or will our luck soon run out?

Overall, expect the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams performance to be the same in NEW Season 3. One thing’s guaranteed, we’ll definitely be seeing them again in the postseason.

–Hazel Cooper

1. Yellowstone Magic [+3]

Hubris Index: 1.78

After 26 painstaking seasons, the Yellowstone Magic has improved Pitching and Defense.

The NEW S2 Postseason pitching performance is never happening again.

We can’t throw the blame solely on Pippin Carpenter’s shoddy Game 3 performance; the whole rotation struggled. Magic’s pitching just didn’t have the Stuff needed to keep batters down. The only postseason teams to pitch more H/9 were the Atlantis Georgias, whom we won against because of bats, and the Sunbeams, who could outhit every team in the league. We had higher team WHIP and BAA than the rest of the semifinalists (Beams excluded), and it was inevitably Yellowstone’s downfall.

However, it’s over! Magic has improved Pitching and Defense, and (barring any weather-related horrors or terrible bandwagoners) the odds may have turned…

To back that up, we have what is arguable some of the most explosive bats in the ILB, or at least in the Evil League. In particular, Demet Cabrera and Kiki (Deliveries and Receiving) Avci are some of THE BEST lineup players in the league, and DeAndre O’Possum, with that magically disrupting apostrophe isn’t too shabby, either. Yellowstone semi-regularly ran up double digit runs on their opponents through Season CE2, expect that to continue.

This is the season, full HUBRIS mode, now is the time for Yellowstones epic heel turn. Magic Goo? No, MAGIC EVIL! MAGIC VIAL!

It’s OUR turn to be the bad guys. SPELLS OUT Yellowstone, let’s make the ILB fear us!

–Nate and Dan

The post Blaseball Season CE3 Power Ranking: Magic and Mayhem Edition appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

I am sure if you asked any Sunbeams fan how they’re feeling about the second season of Blaseball’s new Coronation Era, they’d tell you they’re a bit nervous about all the attention they’re getting.

But the attention is for good reason, as one of the league’s top teams spent the election getting stronger and seems poised to have a great season. After finishing Season N1 with a record of 66-24, the Beams swept the Miami Dale only to stumble and have their kicks taken by the Charleston Shoe Thieves in the second round of the Post Season. But that’s the same Charleston team that finished below the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams in the Awful Good division during the Regular Season.

So, what should we expect from the Estimated Sunbeams and the rest of Blaseball in this upcoming season in the Coronation Era? Here’s a preview of every division, including our panel of power rankers’ predictions for how each division will finish.

Awful Good

Predicted order of finish:

1. Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams (No. 1 overall)
2. Charleston Shoe Thieves (No. 2 overall)
3. Baltimore Crabs (No. 12 overall)
4. Miami Dale (No. 13 overall)
5. Philly Pies (No. 15 overall)
6. Hades Tigers (No. 20 overall)

While this writer (Firewall Andrews) thinks the Shoe Thieves are the best team in the league, most of our rankings panel picked the Sunbeams, so they get the top spot in the division prediction. However, the panel did put these teams at the top of the overall rankings together, so expect a close fight and a serious title run from whichever team wins the division.

Beyond the two powerhouses, there are three middling teams in the Crabs, Dale and Pies. Miami made the playoffs and saw its roster shuffled a bit with randomized players, but it remains to be seen if they improved enough to take a big step forward in Season 2. The Crabs added the best batter in the Black Hole, but that alone won’t be enough to shore up their roster, and they should struggle to keep up with the Sunbeams and Thieves. The Pies have a solid but unspectacular team destined for a middle-of-the-road finish.

And the Tigers have Zephyr McCloud, who is very good, but will also be very interesting to watch given their curse. So this is a division with lots of great storylines entering the new season.

Chaotic Good

Predicted order of finish:

1. The Kansas City Breath Mints (No. 5 overall)
2. Boston Flowers (No. 11 overall)
3. San Francisco Lovers (No. 16 overall)
4. Canada Moist Talkers (No. 19 overall)
5. New York Millennials (No. 21 overall)
6. LA Unlimited Tacos (No. 23 overall)

The Mints were one of four teams to go over 60 wins in Season 1 and return a solid roster that went unchanged in the offseason. They bump down to No. 5 overall following a fourth-place overall finish as the Yellowstone Magic are projected to jump them in overall standing based on our panel’s picks. I’m not so sure, and I think the Mints should coast to another 60-win season and playoff berth (birth? is that still a thing?).

The Flowers grew as a group over the offseason via the election and are a team with a lot of promise. This could be one of the top pitching and defense teams in the splort, and I think No. 11 overall is a bit low for Boston. They might give the Mints some trouble but likely finish as a runner-up with a solid shot at the playoffs alongside the Thieves, Beams and Mints.

The rest of this division is going to struggle, especially with all the games they’re going to have to play against Kansas City and Boston. None of the teams really got any better in the offseason, and the Moist Talkers losing Simon Haley probably makes them a good bit worse. The Season 2 elections will be very important for these four squads.

Awful Evil

Predicted order of finish:

1. Atlantis Georgias (No. 6 overall)
2. Core Mechanics (No. 9 overall)
3. Broken Ridge Jazz Hands (No. 10 overall)
4. Houston Spies (No. 14 overall)
5. Dallas Steaks (No. 18 overall)
6. Chicago Firefighters (No. 24 overall)

This is definitely a division to watch, as any of four teams could realistically pick up the division title in Season 2. The favorites are definitely Atlantis, with a solid pitching staff and long-time blaseballer Beck Whitney leading a good offense.

But the Core Mechanics have an optimized lineup and promising pitching of their own, the Jazz Hands got a big pitching boost in the offseason to support that was top 10 in OPS a season ago, and the Spies are long shots, but Terrell Bradley’s alternate is still quite the player and the offense in Houston can hit.

Hello, Steaks!

And the poor Firefighters not only missed out on team-improving blessings, but got tossed a terrible batter by a Houston wimdy of a blessing. Sorry, Chicago.

Chaotic Evil

Predicted order of finish:

1. Mexico City Wild Wings (No. 3 overall)
2. Yellowstone Magic (No. 4 overall)
3. Seattle Garages (No. 7 overall)
4. Hawai’i Fridays (No. 8 overall)
5. Ohio Worms (No. 18 overall)
6. Tokyo Lift (No. 22 overall)

If the Awful Evil is “a division to watch,” this is “THE division to watch.” Loaded with four of our top 10 teams in the power rankings, the Chaotic Evil will see the Wild Wings, downgraded by some awful misfortune and a noteworthy incineration, chased by the upgraded Magic and Garages and the slightly shored up Fridays.

These are four genuinely good teams and it’s hard to pick a favorite, because most of what we knew about the dominant Wild Wings team of a season ago is not going to be there to start this season. James Boy does return, but without Fletcher Peck and Anastasia Isarobot on the main roster, it’s left the door wide open for Kiki Avci and the Magic to make a real run at a division title.

Don’t count out the Garages or Fridays, who both finished ahead of the Magic last season, and while their blessings might not have seemed as flashy and fun as the one Yellowstone got, I wouldn’t say either team should be discounted as a true contender for this division.

The post Blaseball Season CE2 Preview: Estimating the Sunbeams appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Most Valuable Boston Flower: Could it be Jenkins Ingram? Jenkins is not the most talented batter, despite being at the head of the Boston Flowers lineup. Jenkins is not the best defender, despite attempting to field 485 of the 2,508 balls fielded by the team. However, that earnestness to be the one to call out, “I’ve got it, I’ve got it!” sets them apart from the rest of the line-up.

Let’s start with the facts, brought by the teams at SIBR and Blaseball.

Jenkins Ingram joined the Boston Flowers as a S1 Shadow. In seasons 22 and 23, Jenkins batted and pitched. Their BA and ERA weren’t great. Then, after the Fall, in Season N1, Jenkins Ingram was found to be the first batter in the Boston Flowers lineup. 

Let’s start with the first Season of Boston Flowers Fielding.
Jenkins is obviously fielding a lot of plays. As the player standing at third base, Ingram is in prime territory for grabbing hit balls on the left side of infield as well as nearby.

In the league as a whole: 15,122 hits went to the left, 11,350 hits went to center, and 10,024 hits went right.  Jenkins fielded 170 plays in the Infield, 97 Left Field, 44 Right Field, 48 Center.

Their Reach of 0.893 and Magnet of 0.102 combine together to give the Flowers a dominant defender that they’re fervently wishing would stay in the Infield. (Jenkins was about 75% successful at getting outs in the Infield, versus 59% successful at getting outs in the Outfield.)

Competing against Ramirez Winters of the Baltimore Crabs for best defender at third base, Jenkins’ 485 defensive plays are comparable to Ramirez’s 451. Ramirez boasted a 0.928 Magnet attribute, which perhaps provides them with their 81% out success rate overall. Ramirez’s 0.753 Reach left them wanting in some areas however: In Deep Left Field Ramirez would only show up 5 times and allow 3 hits, whereas Jenkins made it 9 times and allowed 1 hit. (Ramirez is 83% successful at getting outs in the Infield, versus 77% successful in the outfield.) It should be noted that the Crab’s Outfield has 5 defenders, vs the Boston Flowers 4, both of which could impact how often they each choose to go for a ball there, especially considering the utter lack of a Deep Center Field defender for the Flowers. 

On to Batting!
Jenkins’ experience batting in 388 at bats (AB) brought only a 0.211 batting average (BA) lags behind Zack Sanders’ 0.298 BA. (That’s right, Flowers fans, the leader in triples Zack Sanders didn’t clear a 0.300 BA; let’s hope that the bats bloom in Season N2 after that Team Boost!) Jenkins improving as a batter could prove very useful: they are one of six full switch hitters in the ILB, and the only non-right-handed batter in the Flowers Line-Up. If the placement of hits matters, this means Jenkins is equally likely to hit to the left or right fields (and almost as likely to hit to center). Sadly, it looks like all of Chaotic Good has right fielders aplenty, so this advantage may not often come up. It could matter in a match-up against the Yellowstone Magic however, as they have fewer players there and are likely to be one of the top defending teams in Blaseball this upcoming season. 

As the fourth best batter for making successful hits, Jenkins trails behind Zack Sanders, Zelda Highway, and Duha Kamara. Similarly, Jenkins at 18 walks for the season is behind Jessica Telephone at 23, Duha Kamara at 21, and Skylar Khan at 20, while tied with Daniel Mendoza.

Ingram is leading the team in a few areas however! With 45 singles, Jenkins is only closely matched by Duha at 42 Singles, as the rest of the team are all sub 30 in the stat. Now, the rest of the Boston Flowers have as many (Skylar Khan) or more (the other 6 Flowers) doubles so that might not mean much. But that doesn’t stop Jenkins in being tied for most RBI on the team at 38 with Zelda Highway. The tie for most home runs certainly doesn’t hurt either! (Tied at 8 with Duha.) 

Anyways, thanks for reading this far. It turns out that, according on Astrology, Zelda Highway is the best player by overall stars in Blaseball. All the above about Jenkins Ingram is true, but it looks like Zelda Highway is either good at, great at, or decent at everything but Stuff. A former Tokyo Lift Shadow player, Zelda fell onto the Flowers and brought with a level of star power we haven’t seen on the Flowers since Nagomi Mcdaniel or the original Jaylen Hotdogfingers. But this time, Zelda is doing the thing she should be doing: Batting! 

In 314 AB, Zelda got 91 hits, struck out 59 times and had 8 walks. 49 doubles (22^nd overall in Doubles),  13 Triples (tied for 9^th overall). At 0.28981 BA, Zelda trails behind Zack Sanders in most categories, but also 72 fewer at bats than Zack. They had the same amount of home runs, and Zelda hit one more single. Zelda is tied for most RBI, and is also in the traditional Jacob Haynes position on the line-up: last batter. And this is despite Zelda following Skylar, Kelvin, and Dervin!

Zelda fielded the second most hit balls at 347 (where-as Zack only fielded 188) and only allowed 67 hits. At 280 outs, she sits at 80.69% of her fielding plays resulting in outs, and that is while being the Boston Flowers Back Flanker. As one of eight Back Flankers in the league, how does she rate? 

• 1. Zelda Highway of the Boston Flowers at 80.69% Plays with Outs (PwO)
• 2. Deion Gamage of the Seattle Garages at 79.17% PwO
• 3. Chambers Kennedy of the Core Mechanics at 78.96% PwO
• 4. Wanda Schenn of the San Francisco Lovers at 78.90% PwO
• 5. Mindy Kugel of the Kansas City Breath Mints at 77.93% PwO
• 6. Sigmund Castillo of the Broken Ridge Jazz Hands at 75% PwO
• 7. Donia Bailey of the LA Unlimited Tacos 70.27% PwO
• 8. Soojin Gloom of the LA Unlimited Tacos at 66.95% (PwO)

She’s the best Back Flanker in the ILB, before the Team Boost. After the Team Boost, she is now the first among the Stars. (Tiera Wigdoubt, the best batter pulled from the Horizon? 96^th on overall stars.) I hesitate to have one of our own estimated, but here’s the truth: Zelda Highway is the Boston Flower to watch bloom this upcoming season!

–Barswanian

The post Boston Flowers to Watch: Jenkins Ingram and Zelda Highway appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Blaseball has returned, and so have the talented athletes who take to the Field every day and play the games. But not every player is equal. Some are better than others. Some are the best. We’re here to talk about the best.

Many thanks to Dargo4#2798 on Discord for organizing the first Most Valuable Player voting of the new era, which let a panel of Blaseball statisticians and observers vote on the best batters and pitchers of Season 1, plus the postseason MVP and some honorable mentions.

So without any more delay, here are the best players from Season 1 of the Coronation Era of Blaseball.

Best Batter Award

Dargo’s panel named five players per ballot, and across 24 ballots, every single ballot contained one name: Fletcher Peck.

The Mexico City Wild Wings’ batter finished with 24 home runs, tied for seventh in ILB, and a 1.234 OPS that was second among full-time players behind only Kiki Avci.

Peck also played sound defense, recording an out on over 78% of the balls hit in their direction, which ranks comfortably in the top half of ILB defenders.

Doing all of this as the league’s RBI leader and second-best run scorer was more than enough to cement their status as the near-consensus MVP of the first season of the era.

Anastasia Isarobot Memorial Best Pitcher Award

The winner of the first Best Pitcher Award of the era is also the new namesake for the award, as they will be honored posthumously after being the target of an incineration by the Umpires following the opening of the Forbidden Book in the Season 1 elections.

Anastasia Isarobot was the only pitcher to top 200 strikeouts in Season 1, finishing with a 2.24 ERA and a 17-1 record on the mound. They also issued only four walks, the second-lowest total in the league behind Randy Dennis of the Flowers.

Isarobot was a star in the league and their talents will be missed, but their legacy lives on through this award.

BNN Postseason MVP Award

While the Wild Wings sweep the Regular Season awards, it was the Shoe Thieves who snuck into the Internet Series and ran away with the victory.

With that in mind, it was their unlikely hero, Ankle Halifax, who gets the nod as Postseason MVP. With several clutch hits in the Post Season, including multiple home runs in the Internet Series and the Series-deciding hit to win it all for Charleston, they stood out ahead of teammate Penelope Berkowitz, who provided world-class defense for the Thieves throughout the playoffs.

Honorable Mentions

Your guess is as good as ours, but here are some players the panel wished to shout out!

Full results

Best Pitcher Award:

1. Anastasia Isarobot
2. Marco Escobar
3. Plums Blather
4. Mehdi Caper
5. Dunn Keyes
6. Mooney Doctor
7. Premjeet Liu
8. Erin Jesaulenko
9. Waverly Mori
10. Malik Romayne

Best Batter Award:

1. Fletcher Peck
2. Kiki Avci
3. Stretch Sutton
4. Katja Twain
5. Baldwin Jones
6. Jorge Owens
7. Mckinney Vaughan
8. Sheri Friday
9. Jammy Decksetter
10. Jira Sealegs
11. Demet Cabrera

Postseason MVP:

1. Ankle Halifax
2. Penelope Berkowitz
3. Fletcher Peck
4. Kaj Statter Jr.
5. Yusef Puddles
6. Fish Summer
7. Anastasia Isarobot
8. Alexandria Rosales

Honorable Mentions:

• Demet Cabrera
• James Boy
• Malin Hsu
• Penelope Berkowitz
• Premjeet Liu
• Yusef Puddles
• Allan Kranch
• Anastasia Isarobot
• Baldwin Jones
• Beck Whitney
• Blimp Hardison
• Elijah Valenzuela
• Elip Dean
• Emmet Atomic
• Fletcher Peck
• Grizz El-Sayid
• Hatfield Suzuki
• Jammy Decksetter
• Jefferson de la Cruz
• Jorge Owens
• Lorcan Smaht
• Mordecai Kingbird
• Nathaniel Wilds
• Nori Bluegrass
• Ovid Schofield
• Randy Dennis
• Roscoe Sundae
• Scratch Deleuze
• Son Jensen
• Stevenson Heat
• Terrel Bradley
• Vanille Okidoke
• Waverly Mori
• whichever ffs pitcher had the sub 2 ERA
• Zack Sanders

The post Who were the MVPs of Season 1 of the Coronation Era of Blaseball? appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Ankle Halifax was the hero after a dramatic, controversial Game 4 finished with the Charleston Shoe Thieves crowned as ILB champions.

In Game 1, the Wings turned to their ace Anastasia Isarobot, who hardly let the Thieves get on base for most of the game. The occasional single or double gave Charleston hope, but a rally in the ninth would put the Shoe Thieves on the edge of a miracle comeback. Fish Summer, a veteran with lots of playoff experience, couldn’t deliver as the final batter and Mexico City picked up a 1-0 series lead with a 1-0 win.

In Game 2, Alexandria Rosales was able to keep the Wild Wings’ offense at bay, directing them to take lots of shots at center field, where defensive star Penelope Berkowitz roams. The Shoe Thieves got huge homers from Kaj Statter Jr. and Ankle Halifax and worked out of a late jam to pick up the 3-0 win and even the series.

The Wings got off to a great start in Game 3, getting to Kit Adamses early thanks to Jefferson de la Cruz. But it would be Ankle Halifax delivering another huge home run in a back-and-forth game that would put the Shoe Thieves ahead 4-3 heading into the ninth. Fletcher Peck got on with a triple and a chance to tie it in the final frame, but Adamses kept it cool and the Thieves went up 2-1, but not before chipping in a couple of bonus runs in the bottom of the ninth.

I wrote on Twitter that things were about to get interesting in Game 4 … and boy, did things get interesting. The Thieves got out to an early lead, with Jammy Decksetter finally getting hot with a homer to put them up 2-0 in the fourth. Then, the Wings would lose their best offensive player, as Fletcher Peck was hit by a falling Yusef Puddles in the middle of the game. This inspired the Wings to step things up, and they’d rally in the sixth inning to tie the game.

Then. Controversy.

Late in the game, with a runner on second, Carter O’Connor made decent contact with a pitch and reached first safely, only to be tagged out at second trying to extend the play to a double. The runner from second, Baldwin Jones, touched home plate, but the Umpires did not recognize it as a score. Either they deemed Jones didn’t score before the tag was applied, or missed it … but either way, we played on tied 2-2.

Then, it was Ankle Halifax one last time, batting in the bottom of the ninth with Fish Summer on second, who would smoke a ball through the infield to score Summer and win the title for the Shoe Thieves, three games to one.

It’s the second championship for the Shoe Thieves, who finished the regular season second in the Awful Good division with a 65-25 record.

The Shoe Thieves’ previous championship, in Season 9, was also won in the bottom of the ninth, on a Stu Trololol three-run homer.

The post Charleston Shoe Thieves are Champions: Blaseball Internet Series Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

You can read the previous entries of this series here: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, It’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

This is the top 10! Let’s Beam on down to Beamtown!

10. Randall Marijuana
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 7, KS: 9, OG: 10, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 10

The player with the shortest career in the top 10, Randall Marijuana was probably the most plot-important Sunbeam of all time. An instant fan favorite due to their skill and funny weed name, Randy easily charmed every early Beams fan. It was devastating when Randy feedbacked to the Jazz Hands, and even more devastating when they died there 40 short days later.

But the Sunbeams loss is the league’s gain, as Randall was an integral part of The Hall Stars team that defeated The Shelled One.

Randy’s place in lore is cemented as being part of the Precognition Trio, and we will always be sad about what happened, but we currently think Randy and Emmett are driving around in a van and just having a good time, and honestly that’s probably one of the best fates of any player in the league.

9. Sutton Bishop
Seasons: 9, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 9, KS: 7, OG: 5, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 9

The Goose.

The only player in the top 10 that didn’t start on the Sunbeams in Season 1, Sutton Bishop is distilled, pure chaos. It’s hard to entirely describe what Sutton is, or what it means to the Sunbeams, but consider the following:

– First player incinerated in Extra Innings (Incinerated S12D98. The next pitch after its incineration would end the game. Combs Estes had already died in the game.)
– Shortest time from Death to Haunting (Haunted S12D99).
– Most Valuable Ghost (By all metrics, no ghost produced as much haunt value as Sutton Bishop).
– Gained MVP a full 11 seasons after death.
– Broke out of the Hall to play for the Rising Stars.
– Stolen by the Vault Legends.
– Immediately broke out of the Vault to play for the Boston Flowers.

Sutton is the only player to escape both the Hall and the Vault. Soon it will escape the Black Hole. Nowhere is safe from the goose.

8. Lars Taylor
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 4

If this list weren’t scientific, Lars might have taken the top spot. But there’s enough science here to unfortunately relegate Lars to the 8th slot. Lovingly, Lars is a dork, and thus scores a low score on ability and radicalness, and a relatively low tragedy score cements stars place here.

But Lars means SO MUCH to the Sunbeams, and that can’t be overstated. Starting out with No Stars, becoming Lone Star Lars (thrusting the Sunbeams into a cowboy phase), leading the Sunbeams to the Season 11 championship, and having an absolutely bonkers Season 14 (look it up if you don’t believe me). These are just some of the reasons we love Lars, and always will love Lars.

7. Nerd Pacheco
Seasons: 12, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 8, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 10

Have you ever heard the tragedy of Nerd Pacheco the anxious?

I thought not. It’s not a story the Crabs would tell you. It’s a Pies legend. Nerd Pacheco… was a Blaseball Player of the Beams so powerful and so wise, they could use the Peanuts to create batting power. They had such a knowledge of the Nut Side, they could even keep the ones they cared about… from shelling.

They became so powerful, the only thing they were afraid of was… being Shelled themself. Which, eventually, of course, they were, by their apprentice Peanut Bong. Then, a superallergy obliterated them on the mound.

Ironic. They could save others from disaster, but not themself.

6. Igneus Delacruz
Seasons: 17, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 5, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 9

Igneus Delacruz may not have been the strongest player on the team, but towards the end of the Discipline Era, Iggy was putting up numbers far beyond his stars. Iggy was one of the Beams 2 Alternates in Season 4 (other to come soon), and was often seen around the Hellmouth with best friends Zack Sanders and Miguel James. Tragically, Iggy died, and even more tragically, died in Ohio.

Often depicted as a blue flame elemental, maybe that’s our fault, as blue flame is hotter than orange, and the flame that burns brighter burns out faster as well. Igneus was a core member of the Season 11 team, a player who surpassed their limitations repeatedly, and gave a lot to the lore of the team and the people around them.

5. Zack Sanders
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 7, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 7

So, if you have been keeping a running tally, you will realize that this means that 4 of the Beams OG pitchers are in the top 5. This might seem weird to you, as Sunbeams pitching is bad, and one of the categories here is Ability. Well, guess what. Sunbeams pitching isn’t as bad as you think it is, but our defense is worse than you think it is, so Sunbeams pitchers remain okay at the game and unestimable, which Beam Science has deemed important.

First up is Zack Sanders. A sturdy hellmouthyness score coming from a desert sunflower/sunflower beast motif, Zack is a spectacular example of the Sunbeams motto of “Stare into the Sun”. Zack’s only tenure away from the team was a single season spent in Philadelphia, after which she was promptly returned to her home. In the new era of Blaseball, we look forward to seeing Zack continue to grow in the Garden of the Boston Flowers, continuing to throw rocks on the mound.

4. Miguel James
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 7, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 8, Tragedy: 5

Miguel James was the last player on the Sunbeams to move from their original position, and they took over 22 seasons before their first stint in the shadows. Miguel’s scores are bolstered by a radicalness of 10, which comes not from her ability to perform radical moves and feats, but the sheer tenacity to consider every performance radical regardless of how hard the faceplant they took was.

In the time that this reporter has been writing this article, we’ve discussed Miguel James a lot, especially in the Hall of Fame case, and Miguel James truly was better than you think. A workhorse for longer than almost any other pitcher in the ILB, Miguel James continues to bring an unrelenting positivity and a bright fashion sense to the Hellmouth in all times, and we’re all better off for having her with us.

3. Eugenia Bickle
Seasons: 23, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 10, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 7

Eugenia Bickle was the Sunbeams first real attempt at a multi-season plan. Things like Capri Sunset, Super Nava, Gatecrash Groundout Gooseboss, and Trebuchets would not have been possible if not for Bickle Batter. Pivoting Jayden Wright into the lineup and Sigmund Castillo into the shadows, Eugenia Bickle’s move to the lineup may be one of the deepest reverberating events for the Sunbeams, a success in every single aspect.

Bickle herself well promotes the values of the Hellmouth, being intermittently both a slugtaur and an orc, depending on the lore, but also spends her time cultivating some of the many cursed Hellmouth plants in her greenhouses.

If Miguel represents the Sunbeams staunch commitment to tradition, Bickle represents the team’s force of will and ability to get things done.

2. Sandoval Crossing
Seasons: 24, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 3, KS: 10, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 10

And if it wasn’t going to be Lars at number 1, it had to be one of these two. Sandoval Crossing misses out on the top slot mostly by being a dad, and as such, suffering the standard dad penalty to Radicalness. Sandoval started out as a star, competing in the upper echelons of pitching alongside early Discipline favorites like Polkadot and Axel, but sadly started to fall behind as the years and seasons went on. Still capable of burst of greatness, a crippling peanut addiction would eventually lead to a truly unestimable career.

What drove her to a life of peanuts? Well, probably the deaths of in-lore husbands Velasquez and Rhys, in-lore surrogate son Randy, and in-lore roommate Sutton Bishop.

That’s a lot of Tragedy to put on an old man who just wanted to play Blaseball-Tennis with a stop sign.

1. Nagomi Nava
Seasons: 20, Hellmouthyness: 10, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 10, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 10, Tragedy: 10

There truly is too much to say about Nagomi Nava. A KS score of only 7 along with some stints in the shadows are the only things keeping the Sunbeams Slugger from a perfect SHARKOUT score. To know Nagomi Nava is to truly know the Sunbeams, our team, our lore, our history, our vibes, everything.

Nagomi Nava was the survivor of the Precognition Trio. She befriended an eldritch horror and got it to chill out and live in her face. She personified the Beams strategy of walking, and even in the Ruth Era when no pitchers were throwing balls, Nagomi was still rocking dingers out of the park. She hit a 2 run home run against the Vault Legends, which was a more-than-decent chunk of the team’s offense.

Nagomi is truly one of the most unique talents in the league, and often overlooked for flashier players leaguewide, but if I were putting a team together, Nagomi Nava would be right near the top of my list every time.

And that’s the list. This is the world that Science has wrought. I’ve barely scratched the surface on these Beams though, and there’s mountains of stories about each and every one of them, and we’re always happy to share them with anyone willing to listen.

As the new era of Blaseball approaches, we have already watched some of these players fall to other teams, on which we can’t wait to see what they do, but a new class of Sunbeam is falling as well, and the Utahan desert has never looked brighter.

No matter what the Sun is, or who Stares into it, it unites us all.

See you in January.

–PandaSunbeams

The post SHARK OUT 4 – The Bream of the Brop appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

You can read Parts One and Two of this series here and here.

Inspired by TUN’s GLOATED series, I’ve decided to rank the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Now, TUN’s series is fantastic and does a great job of examining the statistics and contributions of each player, and is a great measurement of how things work on the Breath Mints. But this is the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and worth can’t be measured in just ability alone here. I’ve come up with an 8 point system that I call the SHARK OUT rating that allowed me to rank all 43 Sunbeams. SHARK OUT stands for:

S – Seasons with the team
H – Hellmouthyness
A – Ability
R – Radicalness
K – King Shit

O – OGness
U – Unestimability
T – Tragedy

Each player has been scored from 1 to 10 in each category, except for Seasons, which is 1 point per each season (or partial season) playing on the active roster. OG points are: 10 points for being on the Original Active Roster, 5 points if you originated on the Sunbeams or in the Sunbeams Shadows. 0 points otherwise.

I will not be explaining these categories further.

Is this method of ranking perfect? Absolutely not. Is it subjective and based almost entirely on my personal opinion? You betcha. However, it’s these qualities that I think make this as accurate as a Sunbeams rating system can get.

This time we’re going from 21 to 11. Buckle up!

21. Wyatt Mason VII
Seasons: 1, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 3, Radicalness: 9, KS: 2, OG: 0, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 10

Originally, I wanted to give Wya77 (as we affectionately called it) a Tragedy of 100. We got attached to this little guy HARD and FAST. If you want to have a nice little cry, look up Olive’s Sunbeams animatics on Youtube and watch Wya77. I miss it every day.

20. Alaynabella Hollywood
Seasons: 6, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 2, Radicalness: 7, KS: 6, OG: 10, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 8

Alyanabella Hollywood was the original leadoff batter for the Hellmouth Sunbeams (and one of only 3 in the history of the team). She was part of Hollyweed, the friendship pairing between her and Randy Marijuana, and was never quite good at the game while she was with us. After being vultured off for Hahn Fox, she ate a peanut with the Flowers and was reduced to near-Nerd levels of post peanut stats.

However, after a wild sequence of events leading to her stealing the spot of, of all people, Nagomi McDaniel, she eventually rose to become a competent pitcher with the Garages. We love to see her thrive in Seattle.

19. Rhys Trombone
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 3, KS: 4, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 9

Rhys Trombone was the first to fall in the Sim, making sure that the Sunbeams were terrible in the mid-Discipline era. Rhys will always be remembered fondly as someone who probably played the trombone and was taken from us too soon.

18. Hahn Fox
Seasons: 18, Hellmouthyness: 3, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 6, KS: 5, OG: 0, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 1

Hahn Fox. There’s a lot to say about Hahn Fox, but I’ll try to keep it brief. It is my opinion that the arrival of Hahn Fox was the turning point for the Sunbeams in the DE. We’d just gone through the loss of Randy in Breckenridge, and were reeling over our roster. At the time, Hahn had just been pinging from the Dale to the Flowers, and we kind of thought that the Wild Low Sweetheart would continue her journey.

But she just… stayed. And since that point, Hahn has been the Rock (the Party Rock?) of the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Only missing a handful of games in the next 18 seasons, Hahn brought her consistent play and even keel to a team embroiled in chaos and nonsense. Plus she’s really into her wife and that’s just neat. She only ranks this low because unlike many other Sunbeams, she’s just not that tragic of a figure.

17. Velasquez Meadows
Seasons: 3, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 3, KS: 7, OG: 10, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 8

Number 2 in the “We’ll just take all the good Hellmouth players away” in the early DE. Killed later in the same season that took Rhys Trombone, Velasquez was just as harsh a loss. Though the Sunbeams would eventually find their place, the 1-2 punch of season 3 took the wind out of the sails of many a sandship.

16. Jayden Wright
Seasons: 11, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 3, KS: 5, OG: 5, Unestimability: 3, Tragedy: 6

Jayden Wright was brought onto the team to take the place of Eugenia Bickle in the Bickle Batter plan that would see Eugenia moved to the Lineup. Sunbeams pitching has often been considered a joke (and for decent reason), but Jayden had good, solid stats to build on. And then she built on them! By the late EE, Jayden was a 6 star pitcher on her way to becoming a real force in the league.

And then she had an allergic reaction.

And then she was bitten by a shark.

Well, we tried to have a good pitcher.

15. Sigmund Castillo
Seasons: 14, Hellmouthyness: 5, Ability: 8, Radicalness: 5, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 6, Tragedy: 5

But, Jayden wasn’t our ONLY try at having a good pitcher. And one time we actually had success!

Sigmund Castillo started on the Sunbeams as a trade for Alexander Horne from the Lovers. They were pretty much the only Sunbeam with actual baserunning skill, and, when on base, would often steal multiple times and be driven in by Igneus Delacruz behind them. However, they were not good at actually getting on base. So, in the aforementioned Bickle Batter plan, we used Sigmund as the pivot. But while Sigmund was in the shadows, they were training, and building.

After two seasons of shadow infusing on pitching, Sigmund emerged with a brand new set of siege weaponry, and began launching fastballs from trebuchets. In the 5 seasons Sigmund has pitched, they’ve performed as well as almost any pitcher in history, and we look forward to them continuing their new legacy in the next era.

14. Paula Reddick
Seasons: 9, Hellmouthyness: 6, Ability: 7, Radicalness: 4, KS: 4, OG: 5, Unestimability: 9, Tragedy: 7

On of my favorite things that occurred because of Paula Reddick is that it made Sky (who draws all the amazing blaseball minis) draw a Truck. Just a regular Truck. Because Paula is a ghost that sometimes haunts trucks.

But as a player, Paula is amazing in the hyper-optimized Sunbeams tradition. A being of almost entirely divinity and moxie, Paula achieved a near-record OBP of .484 while only putting up a BA of .276. She’s not the best but dang, she’s good at what she does.

13. Hendricks Richardson
Seasons: 17, Hellmouthyness: 9, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 1, KS: 7, OG: 0, Unestimability: 10, Tragedy: 3

And now we come to the last entry on the list to receive no OG points, Hendricks Richardson. Hendricks was, like Hahn, a rock, a player who showed up and just stayed where they were. The difference is that Hendricks had almost no stats. However, I maintain that Hendricks Richardson is one of the best in the history of the game at doing a lot with a little. In season 11 (which was cracked for the Sunbeams for sure), Hendricks managed to get into the top 10 for Hits, which is crazy for a batter with only a handful of stars, circumstances not withstanding. While it is true that there are several seasons in which Hendricks was the worst Sunbeams batter, they were still a batter that could be putting up top 3 numbers for multiple teams. Hendricks, to me, embodies the Hellmouth tradition of being Unestimable, and also was a big-ass Marxist dragon, which is just really cool.

12. Emmett Internet
Seasons: 5, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 6, Radicalness: 6, KS: 4, OG: 10, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 8

Season 3, with the aforementioned incinerations of Rhys and Velasquez, but Season 4 seemed like it would be alright. The Sunbeams dodged any further incinerations, and even won Precognition in the Season 4 Elections.

Things were looking up!

Until Season 5, Day 91, when Emmett Internet was the first of two to fall to the Precog curse of the Hellmouth. At the time, Emmett was one of our two best, and it again seemed like the Sim was just picking off our best players one by one. Emmett’s presence is tightly woven into the fabric of Sunbeams lore, though, as the Precog Trio carries with it some of the deepest feelings the team has.

11. Dudley Mueller
Seasons: 15, Hellmouthyness: 8, Ability: 10, Radicalness: 3, KS: 8, OG: 5, Unestimability: 7, Tragedy: 2

As a side note, to all the Tragedy above, something good did (eventually) come out of one of these events. The incineration of Rhys Trombone gave the Sunbeams the energy drink monstrosity known as Dudley Mueller. While Dudley’s origins were humble, their thirst for blood would soon make them a force to be reckoned with.

A diet of Parties, Peanuts, and Plasma between seasons 7 and 10 would lead Dudley into the Expansion Era with a monstrous 5+ statline, putting up numbers in Seasons 11 through 13 that rivaled the best performances of Aldon Cashmoney and Nagomi McDaniel, and they continue to perform above this level as they’re on their current world tour in Houston, Ohio, and Hades. Truly, Dudley exemplifies one of the core tenets of the Sunbeams: we take our players and we make them better (or they make themselves better).

And there you have it, numbers 21 through 11. We’re getting into the top 10 in our final article, which will come out some time in the future. With only 10 names remaining, I know who people are waiting to see, but who will take the top slot?

Remember to stare into the sun responsibly!

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The Ohio Worms haven’t always been the strongest team, but they have always been something since we started watching them after Season 12. But what if we put the best Worms performances of all time together to create one stacked super-roster of All-Worms? It might look something like this…

Editor’s note: As a reminder, these are the rules of the All-Stars Teams:

1. There will be the standard 9 Lineup Players and 5 Pitching Players. Players cannot be Elsewhere or Shelled.
2. The Selection must represent a single season on that team in their role.
3. The player must have played at least one full season with that team.
4. A player can only be used once in the 14 positions.
5. No Replicas are allowed.

Now back to your regular article. -c

Batting

Scratch Deleuze, Season 24
This adorable/dirtbag opossum has put up some great seasons for the Worms, but Season 24 was the peak of that excellence. They scratched out a preposterous .380 batting average and .456 On Base Percentage, often drawing walks just to get out there. And getting on base was the primary goal, because Scratch stole the other bases at a truly alarming rate – nearly one stolen base per time she got on the basepath at all. It was not uncommon to see Scratch steal 2^nd, 3^rd, and home… before the next batter finished their plate appearance.

Combine Scratch’s 2nd-best OPS and Slugging percentage in the league with their 5th-most steals [all while batting on an 11-player lineup!], and Scratch has a good case for the best season of any batter in Season 24. That’s why I’d want Scratch to lead off any all-Worms roster.

Loubert Ji-Eun, Season 24
The Worms’ own DJ Solid had a bounce-back season in 24, looking to make amends for the let-down of Season 23 that saw the Worms fall one win short of a championship. That made it Lou’s 2^nd-most Solid season yet, batting .310 with the most extra-base hits for any non-Scratch Worm.

But why this over Season 21, when Ji-Eun had a higher batting average and comparable extra-base hit numbers? Because after Season 21, the Worms successfully voted to Magnify DJ Solid. That means scoring double for all those RBIs when Lou can get Scratch across the plate. It’s a match made in slimy heaven, and an absolutely broken combination.

Dudley Mueller, Season 24
The Mlonster’s most recent season slightly pips Season 23, and a lot of the reasoning is the same as for Loubert. Dudley arrived Magnified, and had immediate potential for RBI after RBI.

Dudley batted .297 with a .955 OPS (and the 3rd-most homers on the team). With Magnification, that means Mueller is going to be sending a LOT of Scratches and DJs home twice.

Vessalius Sundae, Season 16
You knew they’d be here somewhere. The Worms’ best historical hitter had arguably their best season in Season 16, when the Worms turned up the heat in the Wild Low. At the height of the Ruthlessness era, Vess put up a season where they were 5^th in Blaseball for homers, 5^th in RBI, and 3^rd in OPS. They were so focused on getting those extra bases that they lead the league in Caught Stealing, as well!

The Dairy Queen put up somewhat better numbers in Season 23, but they weren’t among league leaders, nor did they carry the team on their back in the same way as Season 16. So we slot in Vess where they’ve always deserved to be: the cleanup spot. Four scoops please.

Pitching Machine, Season 14
There have been many feast-or-famine, homers-only Worms batters. Millipede “We Have Luftoff” Aqualuft, Andrew “Soils” Solis, Cantus “Wait, Cantus Is Allowed to Get a Hit??” Hojo, among others. But no one embraces the Dinger-or-Die Worms better than famous batter Pitching Machine.

Season 14 Worms were bad, but PM was pretty good. They lead the team in home runs and sported a respectable .261 batting average. While PM’s stint on the Worms should best be remembered for 3 glorious postseason homers in Season 16, the Season 14 version set the standard on the field. For a bunch of Worms new to the ILB, the experienced veteran who had just earned two Worms Wills was the right machine for the spotlight. In the 5^th spot in the order, PM is a perfect Mark McGwire-type power hitter to bring home the baserunners any time Vess hasn’t already done so.

Demi Suljak, Gamma 2 Season 2
The Worms, historically, have had a mighty struggle at the bottom half of their order. So why not call in some Worms from an alternate universe? Demi Suljak’s second season was the stuff that Beta Worms can only dream of: a league-leading .369 batting average, 2^nd-best homers and 2^nd-best OPS.

While Demi lacked the “star power” of the likes of Ooze Coen and Carolina Correct, they performed at a league-leading standard… something that even Vess has struggled to do.

Ephraim Ladd, Season 20
It’s really tough to slot in a Beta universe Worm here. Gamma 4 stars Jade Schweinsteiger or Annick McGee would fit nicely, and awful hitter but amazing fielder Cantus Hojo has their upsides, but let’s try and stick with the long-time Worms plan: let Dadd bat!

Eph never quite lived up to expectations as a batter, but outside of the “Big 4” hitters that took up slots 1-4 in the Worms’ order for much of their history, Eph is still among the best. When Ladd was finally called back to the big leagues in Season 20, they put up a tidy .253 batting average with 16 homers and 50 walks. It’s not flashy, but it’s positive, which is all the Worms really wanted for our spaceman. And at this point in Eph’s career, their defensive stats were comparable to Cantus anyway. We’ll call it a Golden Glove flyer and run with it.

Manu Hearst, Gamma 2 Season 1
With Manu Hearst, the Worms of our prime universe could have something they’ve always imagined: a reliable hitter late in the order. Manu’s .326 batting average is fantastic by Worms standards, and a team-best 31 stolen bases doesn’t hurt, either (although the 16 times caught stealing is Vess-adjacent).

Manu also walked at an astonishing rate: 143 walks in 99 games, good enough to push them to 2^nd in the league in on-base percentage (even ahead of Demi Suljak! And behind a player with only 6 games played). That puts Manu in perfect position to be batted in by…

Lenny Crumb, Season 19
The Legend has always been stuck in the first spot in the Worms’ order, but here we can imagine them where they belong: slotted 9^th, a tasty lead-in to high percentage batters at the top of the order. Always an extra-base threat, Lenny was 4^th in the league in triples for Season 19, and sported a delightful .291 batting average.

Lenny deserves to be on this list based on staying-power alone, but it’s a lot of fun to imagine how this all could work in a real Worms season: Lenny lays down a triple to drive in Manu, Scratch walks then steals second, and Loubert bonks them home for 4 or 6 runs. A combo for Worms fans to obsess over if/when the new version of Wills drops.

Honorable Mentions: Jade Schweinsteiger (Gamma 4), Annick McGee (Gamma 4), Adrian Ellis (Gamma 2 Season 1), Jeffery Horne, (Gamma 3), Benji Charcuterie, Mindy Buck, and Magnus Plague (Peanuts – slightly different from Worms), Millipede Aqualuft (Season 23), Farrell Seagull (Season 14)

Pitching

Xandra Pancakes, Season 18
XanPan was always going to be the ace pitcher on any Worms squad in contention (PM pitching speculation notwithstanding). Pancakes had spectacular campaigns in many other seasons, such as their debut with a 2.17 ERA in Season 15, but Season 18 was something else. XanPan went 21-4 with a sterling 2.34 ERA and went the entire season without walking a batter.

XanPan’s Season 18 was the final straw for a Worms team that was otherwise tanking for the Bottom Dwell – the Worms sent them back to the Shadows for three seasons. All because Pancakes was too good.

Patchwork Southwick, Season 22
Yes, Patchwork’s ERA of 2.04 is better than anything XanPan ever put up. But no, Patchwork would never usurp XanPan in the number 1 pitching spot.

Season 22 was a masterwork of Underhanded pitching, allowing Patchwork to put up better performances than usual… but this is Patchwork Southwick we’re talking about. Every game is a wild ride, and nothing is certain. It’s a real testament to the “quality” of Worms pitching that Patchwork takes the 2^nd spot.

Rivers Rosa, Season 16
Rivers was a reliable presence in the Worms rotation for a short stretch, and had one standout season. A 16-9 record accompanying a 2.93 ERA were excellent by Worms standards. Rosa’s solid performance led the team to one of its best seasons to date.

Alas, Rivers couldn’t hold up and lost 2 games to the Spies in the heartbreaking playoff run. This was followed by mediocre campaigns, and eventual chomps and Shadowing. But Season 16 Rivers is deservedly an All-Worm.

Milli Rambutan, Gamma 2 Season 2
Several Gamma Worms had pitching seasons to remember, but Rambutan had perhaps the most statistically spectacular. “The Other Milli” put up a sterling 2.23 ERA, and while their 15-5 record didn’t quite match Leo Marzen’s 17-3 from the prior season, her performance set a standard for future Worms to try and match.

Jacoby Podcast, Season 18
Jacoby Podcast never quite lived up to their championship pedigree during their time with the Worms, but Season 18 was a bright moment. Jacoby managed a 2.88 ERA that was not truly reflected in a 13-12 record. Podcast only allowed 4 walks all season, which was scarcely noticed as XanPan went the whole campaign without allowing a walk. This kind of performance would have been sufficient to get the Worms over the finish line, in another set of circumstances.

Honorable Mentions: Ashby Swandre (Gamma 3 – Peanut), Leo Marzen (Gamma 2 Season 1), Oswald Sequoia (Gamma 2 Season 2), Khulan Al-Faraj (Gamma 4), Parker Meng (Season 23)

The All-Worms

Lineup
Scratch Deleuze (24)
Loubert Ji-Eun (24)
Dudley Mueller (24)
Vessalius Sundae (16)
Pitching Machine (14)
Demi Suljak (G2S2)
Ephraim Ladd (20)
Manu Hearst (G2S1)
Lenny Crumb (19)

Rotation
Xandra Pancakes (18)
Patchwork Southwick (22)
Rivers Rosa (16)
Milli Rambutan (G2S2)
Jacoby Podcast (18)

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

As any long-time Worms fan knows, some seasons you just gotta Worms Down. After all, if you’re not gonna win a championship, you might as well take advantage of that Bottom Dweller buff! So here’s a team of historic Worms who had the potential to single-handedly tank the Wormhole.

Batting

Stew Briggs, Season 20
Oh, Stew. Stew set the Worms’ record for futility in Season 20 with a memorable .086 batting average and all-around poor play.

Kichiro Guerra, Season 18
Kichiro really helped tank with a .139 batting average and only 13 extra base hits on the whole season, which was NOT compensated for by their decent defense.

Muse Scantron, Season 19
Muse was never a standout in terms of quality batting, but Season 19 was a true dumpster fire with a .151 batting average, only 2 homers, and no future prospects for improvement due to consumer chomps.

Farrell Seagull, Season 18
Seagull’s .149 batting average was a real low point in their long, storied career.

Cantus Hojo, Season 15
Cantus was always a contentious Worms Down candidate due to a high defense, but a dreadful .167 batting average was the worst, by a large margin, on a team getting close to contention.

Pudge Nakamoto, Season 23
While the rest of the Worms were reaching the pinnacle of Blaseball, Pudge stayed behind, batting only .190 with 3 homers in 65 games before taking a break in the Hall of Flame… and further extending the Worms’ non-transient lineup with 1 Scoobert Toast.

Millipede Aqualuft, Season 20
Millie had a season to forget, batting only .173 with 6 homers in their worst performance to date.

Ooze Coen, Gamma 2 Season 2
Yes, it was an alternate universe, but Ooze’s .047 batting across an entire season may well be the worst Worms bat in any timeline.

Katy Cornbread, Season 23
It’s not really Katy’s fault, but a .255 batting average was good for -20 RBI due to subtractor status. The -6 postseason RBI were a real bummer as well in a year where the Worms came one Win short of a title.

Honorable(?) Mentions: Susananana Portmanteau (Season 24), Tai Beanbag (Season 23), Ephraim Ladd (Season 22), Clove Mahle (Season 22), Chorby Soul IV (Season 21 – different kind of tanking), Igneus Delacruz (Season 18), Kaz Fiasco (Season 16), Scratch Deleuze (Season 14), Augusta Chadwell (Season 13), Tyrann Hyde (Gamma 3 – Peanut), Gabriel Chilly (Gamma 2 Season 1)

Pitching

NaN, Season 14
NaN really nails this challenge, managing to go an abysmal 1-13 with a 9.32 ERA before swapping with the quite good Rivers Rosa.

Persephone Splotter, Season 13
Persephone was the masterpiece on arguably the worst team ever. They went 2-18 with a 9.21 ERA, allowing an astonishing 227 walks on a 5-pitcher team. That’s more than 11 walks per game! And a full 32 walks more than 2^nd place that season, which was…

Ephraim Ladd, Season 13
Eph was just about as hapless as Persephone, with an 18 walk lead over the 3^rd place pitcher (Worms’ Enid Marlow also made that esteemed Season 13 walks list in 4^th). Ladd went 4-16 with an 8.54 ERA. Eph is one of 2 players to make both Worms Up and Worms Down lists.

Luis Acevedo, Season 14
Luis stirred up a lot of controversy among the Worms, but they were certainly a Worms Down force to be reckoned with. They went 4-16 with an 8.25 ERA and allowed 195 walks.

Rivers Rosa, Season 19
The standings went all wobbly, but Rivers understood the assignment from Worms fans going into Season 19, going 7-26 with a 9.70 ERA… and then winning a postseason game! Rivers is the other Worm to make both lists in this article, alongside Eph.

Honorable(?) Mentions: Honorable Mentions: Enid Marlow, Patchwork Southwick, and Wanda Schenn (Season 13 – great work team!), Patchwork Southwick (Season 18 – bottom of the roller coaster), Rivers Rosa (Season 21 – Worms spent 2 Wills just to send them to the Shadows), Rocio Caster (Season 24 – 5 horrible games), Esmeralda McCollard (Peanut), Yahya Jupiter (Gamma 4 – you had to be there)

The Other All-Worms

Lineup
Stew Briggs (20)
Kichiro Guerra (18)
Muse Scantron (19)
Farrell Seagull (18)
Cantus Hojo (15)
Pudge Nakamoto (23)
Millipede Aqualuft (20)
Ooze Coen (G2S2)
Katy Cornbread (23)

Rotation
NaN (14)
Persephone Splotter (13)
Ephraim Ladd (13)
Luis Acevedo (14)
Rivers Rosa (19)

This article is part of the Dream Team Series, in which our writers look back throughout the history of Blaseball to create the strongest version of our beloved teams. Read the rest of the series here.

The post The All-Worms: Ohio Worms Dream Team appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

The Narrative

Baby Doyle began their career as one of the weaker members of the legendary Season 1 Jazz Hands lineup.

During the early Discipline Jazz Hands dynasty, Baby played a supporting role to the elite batting talent in the Jazz Hands lineup. They were never the best batter on the team, but being out-batted by legends like Aldon Cashmoney and Nagomi McDaniel is understandable. However, a series of weather and election calamities in seasons 5-7 gutted the Jazz Hands, depriving us of all of our star power, and forcing us to begin our long, slow rebuild. This is when Baby Doyle’s story really gets interesting.

In Season 8, the Jazz Hands won the Precognition Blessing, the last blessing we would win until Season 18. Precognition targeted Baby twice, boosting their hitting by 40%, and instantly catapulting them into the league’s hitting elite. Baby’s OPS jumped from 0.751 in Season 8 to 0.969 (nice) in Season 9, making them easily the best hitter on the team. The era of Baby had begun. 

The Jazz Hands slowly built up a lineup that could support Baby, Infusing Collins Melon into an awe inspiring blob of stars, and bringing several other members of the lineup to above replacement value. However, Baby was still held back by their position – batting near the end of the Jazz Hands overly long lineup. Worse, Baby had few consistent hitters in front of them to slug in, and was followed in the Lineup by Collins Melon. Melon racked up RBI’s batting Baby, but Baby often blocked Melon from stealing their way around the bases, which held back team’s overall effectiveness. 

That all changed in Season 18, when the Jazz Hands broke their Blessing-less streak and won Grand Larceny. If Precognition had made Baby an effective individual batter, Grand Larceny finally made them part of an effective team. Sorting the lineup by Basethirst put Collins Melon at #2, and Baby Doyle at #3, creating the most dynamic and exciting batting pair in the entire ILB. Both would go on to play in the Exhibition Match, but unfortunately only Baby would return from it. After a weird and messy Season 24 (even by Season 24 standards) Baby was left standing as the last remaining OG Jazz Hand, the core of the Lineup, and one of the greatest batters of all time.

The Numbers

Alright, now for the crunchy stuff. Baby’s long career means they obviously have great counting stats – #3 in career Doubles (544), #5 in hits (2631), #7 in HRs (549) and #2 in RBI (1866.3). With the help of Collins Melon, Baby also set the single season RBI record in season 23 (307.6), and is #1 in both career Hits with Runners in Scoring Position (591), and in career Sac Flies (123). All that’s to be expected – but Baby’s rate stats are where things get exciting. 

Baby’s career OPS of 0.955 is the 15th best among players with 1000 or more Plate Appearances. However, it’s worth noting that Baby’s 9114 PA’s absolutely dwarf the PA’s of everyone above them in that list – Jaxon Buckley (8291) and Valentine Games (8011) are the only players who even come close. Baby achieved a consistent rate of excellence that is simply unparalleled

Graphing Career OPS vs PAs really highlights how exceptional Baby Doyle is in this regard. Every single player with a better OPS played much less Blaseball than them, and no one who’s played as much can touch their rate. The next best Career OPS among players with more than 9000 PAs is, funnily enough, Baby Triumphant, with a OPS that’s 50 points lower (0.902) across a comparably long career (9284 PAs). No one else with more than 9000 PAs has a career OPS above 0.900. 

The raw OPS numbers are the most visually striking, but more advanced metrics like WOBA, OPS+, and WRC+ all tell the same story. Doyle is the best pure hitter among players with 9000 or more PAs, and it’s not remotely close. 

These numbers look even better when you realize how Baby built them. Most great hitters, even ones mainly known for their slugging, excel at drawing walks. Baby Doyle, on the other hand, clearly believed plate discipline was for cowards. They achieved only 279 walks across their career, among the worst walk counts of anyone in their PA range. 

Instead, Baby earned their way on base with their bat, using their career 0.306 Batting Average (15th overall, 1st among batters w/ >9k PAs) to achieve a career 0.319 On Base Percentage (49th overall, 4th among batters w/ >9k PAs). The rest of their OPS comes from their monstrous career 0.636 Slugging, yet another untouchable rate for players who’ve played as much as them (12th overall, 1st among batters w/ >9k PAs). This consistent excellence earned Baby a career WhAT of 80.7, the 9th best of any batter in Blaseball. 

Baby’s not just about career value though – their best seasons rank among the best of any hitter ever. They earned an OPS of 1.000 or greater in 10 seasons, a record matched only by Conner Haley, and exceeded only by Jaxon Buckley (who has 12 such seasons). If we use OPS+ to  normalize performance across different scoring environments, we see Baby is the proud owner of 6 of the 100 best OPS+ seasons of all time (among seasons with at least 200 PAs).

These are the 100 greatest individual hitting seasons in the history of Blaseball. Not only did Baby Doyle hit six of them over the course of their career – they hit five of them in a row. Baby’s season 18, 19, 20, 21, and 22 hitting performances are all included in this list, as well as their excellent performance in Season 14. 

WRC+ tells a similar story, even though it values Baby’s slugging less than OPS+. Baby owns 5 of the top 100 WRC+ seasons with at least 200 PAs, excelling in a metric that highly values on base percentage even though they only walked on 1 in every 33 plate appearances.

I’d also note that Baby did this without meaningful support from Modifications. The Jazz Hands 9 season Blessing drought meant Baby played without the benefit of powerful team mods like Blood types, as well as powerful player mods like Spicy. They had Perk, but it only caused them to play slightly better in rare Coffee weather. Beyond that, their only Modification of note was 2x, which they only gained in the Season 22 Election. 2x certainly helped their RBI numbers, but did not help with any of the other stats I’ve cited here.

Finally, a somewhat speculative point about Defense. Recent research into the inner workings of The Sim has revealed the value that great defenders can contribute to their team, which makes Baby Doyle’s Hall of Fame case even stronger. Defense was Baby’s highest attribute category prior to receiving Precognition, with a natural 3.697 defense star rating that grew to 5.1 stars by the end of Expansion. Omniscience, the defense attribute that has been found to be generally the most valuable, was always Baby’s strength, growing from 0.872 at the beginning of their career to 1.231 by the end. 

This chart shows an estimate of the defensive impact players had from Seasons 12-15. While limited, it shows Baby was one of the top 20 defenders in the league during that time. From this, we can imply that they were likely at least an above average defender throughout their career, all while playing for a team that rarely if ever had an effective pitching rotation. This greatly bolsters their Hall of Fame case, especially since it means they were a valuable and impactful member of the early Discipline Jazz Hands dynasty, even though their hitting during that period rarely impressed.

the iNtangibles

In Jazz Hands lore, Baby Doyle is depicted as a human child, somewhere between infant and toddler age. How exactly a child is able to hit this well isn’t completely clear. Early on, we joked that “their short legs and lack of object permanence make them a slight liability on defense” only to later learn that they were an excellent defender. This line is still on their wiki though, because it’s funny. 

In between Eras, Baby played in the Coffee Cup, and won the tournament as a member of Inter Xpresso alongside fellow Hall of Famers Knight Triumphant, Commissioner Vapor, and Theodore Cervantes. Coffee Cup statistics are difficult to access, so I haven’t looked them up, but I’m sure Baby’s were excellent. Throughout the Expansion Era, Baby’s Perk modification helped them play even better in Coffee weather. The Jazz Hands always appreciated this, even if we did wonder if giving a child that much espresso was a good idea. 

During the Season 17 Earlsiesta, The Reader “gifted” Baby Doyle an Uncertain Necklace of Entanglement, which would cause Baby to be Alternated if they were ever sent Elsewhere. The season before, the Reader had drawn attention to Collins Melon by removing their Alternate modification, which caused the entire league to Notice the Jazz Hands had a 7 star Pitcher hiding in our Lineup. These two events caused many on the team to distrust The Reader for the remainder of the Era. 

The Jazz Hands spent the rest of Season 17 fearing we’d lose our best hitter. Baby had traditionally floated just below the noodle on the idol Board, but we campaigned to get them named an MVP that season to protect them from Flooding. Baby managed to dodge being sent elsewhere by Salmon Cannons in Season 18, and in that election the Jazz Hands used the newly created Item Move will to hand Baby a Careful Fireproof Necklace we thought would protect them from future calamities.

Halfway through the next season though, Baby threw that Necklace away for a basic Bat, which they wielded for most of the rest of the Expansion Era. 

That MVP title meant Baby was selected for the Exhibition Match, alongside Collins Melon. Melon was Vaulted during the match, but thankfully Baby avoided that fate. Afterwards, Baby was dropped into the Jazz Hands pitching rotation. Their pitching attributes were … not exactly competitive, and made even worse by Magnified. The whole team wanted Baby to be Faxed, and on Day 5, the Chicago Firefighters had a chance to do just that. 

Despite being Perked up by Coffee weather, Baby only managed to last 5.2 innings versus the Firefighters. During those innings, they achieved 1 Strikeout, and allowed 8 Hits for 12 Runs (which would have been 14 runs without Gita Sparrow’s Subtractor modification). 10 of those runs were Baby Triumphant RBIs – 4 from a sac fly in the 4th inning, and another 6 from a Wired Single in the 5th, which brought the score to 12-4 and triggered the Fax Machine. Doyle usually had the edge on Triumphant during the Expansion Era, but in one of their last interactions of the Era, Triumphant single handedly Faxed Doyle into the Shadows, to the delight of all those involved. 

The Jazz Hands built Night+ before we even knew what it did, and spent Season 24 begging for a Night Shift. When we finally got one though, it didn’t go as planned. Late in the season, a Night Shift attempted to swap Baby Doyle and Munivoi Rochester. The Jazz Hands were Rogue at that point though, so the Night Shift failed. Munavoi got a Night Shift boost, and used their one at bat to hit into a Double Play, but Baby remained in the lineup and was made permanently Unstable. We don’t quite know why this happened, but we’re very concerned about it. 

iN conclusioN

Baby Doyle sits at the apex of greatness and longevity. Every batter who has played as long as them is worse at batting, and every batter who is better than them at batting has played less. In my opinion, the only batters in the history of Blaseball who are unquestionably better than Baby  Doyle are Aldon Cashmoney, Conner Haley, Valentine Games, and Jaxon Buckley. All 4 hit substantially better than Baby over the course of their careers, and while those careers were shorter than Baby’s, all were over 7000 PAs.

Peak value also matters, and one could  reasonably argue that players like Nagomi McDaniel and Collins Melon had such high peaks they deserve to be considered better than Baby. Even then though, Baby Doyle remains unquestionably one of the greatest batters in the history of Blaseball, and the greatest Jazz Hand of all time. Many greats have passed through Breckenridge or given flasher performances there that caught the eye of the whole league, but no player has contributed more to the team’s (modest) success. Baby may never have been the face of the franchise, but they are the heart and soul of it, and are unquestionably worthy of induction into the Hall of Fame. 

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