The Narrative

Baby Doyle began their career as one of the weaker members of the legendary Season 1 Jazz Hands lineup.

During the early Discipline Jazz Hands dynasty, Baby played a supporting role to the elite batting talent in the Jazz Hands lineup. They were never the best batter on the team, but being out-batted by legends like Aldon Cashmoney and Nagomi McDaniel is understandable. However, a series of weather and election calamities in seasons 5-7 gutted the Jazz Hands, depriving us of all of our star power, and forcing us to begin our long, slow rebuild. This is when Baby Doyle’s story really gets interesting.

In Season 8, the Jazz Hands won the Precognition Blessing, the last blessing we would win until Season 18. Precognition targeted Baby twice, boosting their hitting by 40%, and instantly catapulting them into the league’s hitting elite. Baby’s OPS jumped from 0.751 in Season 8 to 0.969 (nice) in Season 9, making them easily the best hitter on the team. The era of Baby had begun. 

The Jazz Hands slowly built up a lineup that could support Baby, Infusing Collins Melon into an awe inspiring blob of stars, and bringing several other members of the lineup to above replacement value. However, Baby was still held back by their position – batting near the end of the Jazz Hands overly long lineup. Worse, Baby had few consistent hitters in front of them to slug in, and was followed in the Lineup by Collins Melon. Melon racked up RBI’s batting Baby, but Baby often blocked Melon from stealing their way around the bases, which held back team’s overall effectiveness. 

That all changed in Season 18, when the Jazz Hands broke their Blessing-less streak and won Grand Larceny. If Precognition had made Baby an effective individual batter, Grand Larceny finally made them part of an effective team. Sorting the lineup by Basethirst put Collins Melon at #2, and Baby Doyle at #3, creating the most dynamic and exciting batting pair in the entire ILB. Both would go on to play in the Exhibition Match, but unfortunately only Baby would return from it. After a weird and messy Season 24 (even by Season 24 standards) Baby was left standing as the last remaining OG Jazz Hand, the core of the Lineup, and one of the greatest batters of all time.

The Numbers

Alright, now for the crunchy stuff. Baby’s long career means they obviously have great counting stats – #3 in career Doubles (544), #5 in hits (2631), #7 in HRs (549) and #2 in RBI (1866.3). With the help of Collins Melon, Baby also set the single season RBI record in season 23 (307.6), and is #1 in both career Hits with Runners in Scoring Position (591), and in career Sac Flies (123). All that’s to be expected – but Baby’s rate stats are where things get exciting. 

Baby’s career OPS of 0.955 is the 15th best among players with 1000 or more Plate Appearances. However, it’s worth noting that Baby’s 9114 PA’s absolutely dwarf the PA’s of everyone above them in that list – Jaxon Buckley (8291) and Valentine Games (8011) are the only players who even come close. Baby achieved a consistent rate of excellence that is simply unparalleled

Graphing Career OPS vs PAs really highlights how exceptional Baby Doyle is in this regard. Every single player with a better OPS played much less Blaseball than them, and no one who’s played as much can touch their rate. The next best Career OPS among players with more than 9000 PAs is, funnily enough, Baby Triumphant, with a OPS that’s 50 points lower (0.902) across a comparably long career (9284 PAs). No one else with more than 9000 PAs has a career OPS above 0.900. 

The raw OPS numbers are the most visually striking, but more advanced metrics like WOBA, OPS+, and WRC+ all tell the same story. Doyle is the best pure hitter among players with 9000 or more PAs, and it’s not remotely close. 

These numbers look even better when you realize how Baby built them. Most great hitters, even ones mainly known for their slugging, excel at drawing walks. Baby Doyle, on the other hand, clearly believed plate discipline was for cowards. They achieved only 279 walks across their career, among the worst walk counts of anyone in their PA range. 

Instead, Baby earned their way on base with their bat, using their career 0.306 Batting Average (15th overall, 1st among batters w/ >9k PAs) to achieve a career 0.319 On Base Percentage (49th overall, 4th among batters w/ >9k PAs). The rest of their OPS comes from their monstrous career 0.636 Slugging, yet another untouchable rate for players who’ve played as much as them (12th overall, 1st among batters w/ >9k PAs). This consistent excellence earned Baby a career WhAT of 80.7, the 9th best of any batter in Blaseball. 

Baby’s not just about career value though – their best seasons rank among the best of any hitter ever. They earned an OPS of 1.000 or greater in 10 seasons, a record matched only by Conner Haley, and exceeded only by Jaxon Buckley (who has 12 such seasons). If we use OPS+ to  normalize performance across different scoring environments, we see Baby is the proud owner of 6 of the 100 best OPS+ seasons of all time (among seasons with at least 200 PAs).

These are the 100 greatest individual hitting seasons in the history of Blaseball. Not only did Baby Doyle hit six of them over the course of their career – they hit five of them in a row. Baby’s season 18, 19, 20, 21, and 22 hitting performances are all included in this list, as well as their excellent performance in Season 14. 

WRC+ tells a similar story, even though it values Baby’s slugging less than OPS+. Baby owns 5 of the top 100 WRC+ seasons with at least 200 PAs, excelling in a metric that highly values on base percentage even though they only walked on 1 in every 33 plate appearances.

I’d also note that Baby did this without meaningful support from Modifications. The Jazz Hands 9 season Blessing drought meant Baby played without the benefit of powerful team mods like Blood types, as well as powerful player mods like Spicy. They had Perk, but it only caused them to play slightly better in rare Coffee weather. Beyond that, their only Modification of note was 2x, which they only gained in the Season 22 Election. 2x certainly helped their RBI numbers, but did not help with any of the other stats I’ve cited here.

Finally, a somewhat speculative point about Defense. Recent research into the inner workings of The Sim has revealed the value that great defenders can contribute to their team, which makes Baby Doyle’s Hall of Fame case even stronger. Defense was Baby’s highest attribute category prior to receiving Precognition, with a natural 3.697 defense star rating that grew to 5.1 stars by the end of Expansion. Omniscience, the defense attribute that has been found to be generally the most valuable, was always Baby’s strength, growing from 0.872 at the beginning of their career to 1.231 by the end. 

This chart shows an estimate of the defensive impact players had from Seasons 12-15. While limited, it shows Baby was one of the top 20 defenders in the league during that time. From this, we can imply that they were likely at least an above average defender throughout their career, all while playing for a team that rarely if ever had an effective pitching rotation. This greatly bolsters their Hall of Fame case, especially since it means they were a valuable and impactful member of the early Discipline Jazz Hands dynasty, even though their hitting during that period rarely impressed.

the iNtangibles

In Jazz Hands lore, Baby Doyle is depicted as a human child, somewhere between infant and toddler age. How exactly a child is able to hit this well isn’t completely clear. Early on, we joked that “their short legs and lack of object permanence make them a slight liability on defense” only to later learn that they were an excellent defender. This line is still on their wiki though, because it’s funny. 

In between Eras, Baby played in the Coffee Cup, and won the tournament as a member of Inter Xpresso alongside fellow Hall of Famers Knight Triumphant, Commissioner Vapor, and Theodore Cervantes. Coffee Cup statistics are difficult to access, so I haven’t looked them up, but I’m sure Baby’s were excellent. Throughout the Expansion Era, Baby’s Perk modification helped them play even better in Coffee weather. The Jazz Hands always appreciated this, even if we did wonder if giving a child that much espresso was a good idea. 

During the Season 17 Earlsiesta, The Reader “gifted” Baby Doyle an Uncertain Necklace of Entanglement, which would cause Baby to be Alternated if they were ever sent Elsewhere. The season before, the Reader had drawn attention to Collins Melon by removing their Alternate modification, which caused the entire league to Notice the Jazz Hands had a 7 star Pitcher hiding in our Lineup. These two events caused many on the team to distrust The Reader for the remainder of the Era. 

The Jazz Hands spent the rest of Season 17 fearing we’d lose our best hitter. Baby had traditionally floated just below the noodle on the idol Board, but we campaigned to get them named an MVP that season to protect them from Flooding. Baby managed to dodge being sent elsewhere by Salmon Cannons in Season 18, and in that election the Jazz Hands used the newly created Item Move will to hand Baby a Careful Fireproof Necklace we thought would protect them from future calamities.

Halfway through the next season though, Baby threw that Necklace away for a basic Bat, which they wielded for most of the rest of the Expansion Era. 

That MVP title meant Baby was selected for the Exhibition Match, alongside Collins Melon. Melon was Vaulted during the match, but thankfully Baby avoided that fate. Afterwards, Baby was dropped into the Jazz Hands pitching rotation. Their pitching attributes were … not exactly competitive, and made even worse by Magnified. The whole team wanted Baby to be Faxed, and on Day 5, the Chicago Firefighters had a chance to do just that. 

Despite being Perked up by Coffee weather, Baby only managed to last 5.2 innings versus the Firefighters. During those innings, they achieved 1 Strikeout, and allowed 8 Hits for 12 Runs (which would have been 14 runs without Gita Sparrow’s Subtractor modification). 10 of those runs were Baby Triumphant RBIs – 4 from a sac fly in the 4th inning, and another 6 from a Wired Single in the 5th, which brought the score to 12-4 and triggered the Fax Machine. Doyle usually had the edge on Triumphant during the Expansion Era, but in one of their last interactions of the Era, Triumphant single handedly Faxed Doyle into the Shadows, to the delight of all those involved. 

The Jazz Hands built Night+ before we even knew what it did, and spent Season 24 begging for a Night Shift. When we finally got one though, it didn’t go as planned. Late in the season, a Night Shift attempted to swap Baby Doyle and Munivoi Rochester. The Jazz Hands were Rogue at that point though, so the Night Shift failed. Munavoi got a Night Shift boost, and used their one at bat to hit into a Double Play, but Baby remained in the lineup and was made permanently Unstable. We don’t quite know why this happened, but we’re very concerned about it. 

iN conclusioN

Baby Doyle sits at the apex of greatness and longevity. Every batter who has played as long as them is worse at batting, and every batter who is better than them at batting has played less. In my opinion, the only batters in the history of Blaseball who are unquestionably better than Baby  Doyle are Aldon Cashmoney, Conner Haley, Valentine Games, and Jaxon Buckley. All 4 hit substantially better than Baby over the course of their careers, and while those careers were shorter than Baby’s, all were over 7000 PAs.

Peak value also matters, and one could  reasonably argue that players like Nagomi McDaniel and Collins Melon had such high peaks they deserve to be considered better than Baby. Even then though, Baby Doyle remains unquestionably one of the greatest batters in the history of Blaseball, and the greatest Jazz Hand of all time. Many greats have passed through Breckenridge or given flasher performances there that caught the eye of the whole league, but no player has contributed more to the team’s (modest) success. Baby may never have been the face of the franchise, but they are the heart and soul of it, and are unquestionably worthy of induction into the Hall of Fame. 

The post The Case for Baby Doyle appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Boston Flowers

Having finally rolled a very good team the Boston Flowers were spoiled for choice for our Charge. Our best pitcher, Rosemary Penguin took an early lead due to holding the incredible feat of being undefeated all the way to the Midsea-

FEEDBACK DETECTED

PEYTON DRYSDALE AND SQUID BROOM WERE SWITCHED IN THE FEEDBACK.

A new challenger arrived from the Yellowstone Magic. Squid Broom was a beloved player by fans since their hatching due to their name. Squid Broom’s personality is as straightforward as you can get. Please imagine a squid. Please imagine a broom. There you go, that’s Squid Broom.

FEEDBACK DETECTED

SQUID BROOM AND LUCIUS PRINCE WERE SWITCHED IN THE FEEDBACK.

Oh. They got Feedbacked again and are on the Fridays now… except that’s not true. Owing to a “Feature,” certain weather-induced player moves un-happened. Squid Broom was still on the Boston Flowers roster and available for Charging even though their player page listed them on the Hawai’i Fridays. 

The Flowers chose to lean into the opportunity to commit a data crime and charged Squid Broom, or more accurately the Fridays charged Squid Broom in addition to their chosen charge Moth Frosting. 

The Flowers now only have two static players, and the Fridays have four and no one has any idea what that’ll mean for the future. Data Crimes!

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

For the third Circuit in a row, the Jazz Hands had terrible pitching and not-good-enough batting. In the first week, we quickly fell to the bottom of the standings, barely above our long term rivals, the (contemptible) Moist Talkers. We spent the week excited for the Fiesta, and voted leadoff hitter Zee Phantom our party host.

In the Fiesta, we partied a lot Game 1, lost Game 2, and broke Blaseball in Game 3. Squid Psst cemented their status as a Jazz Hands legend by pitching two games simultaneously, getting Night Shifted in one, and Frozen in the other. We split Game 3 with the Pies to end our 3 game series tied 2-2, and somehow “advanced” the next round, only to see it cancelled due to noise complaints.

Like many teams, we choose to host a Sunday Mixer, which accidentally morphed into a Formal. The Divinity boost supercharged our Lineup of inconsistent Home Run hitters, propelling us to a slightly less terrible performance in Week 2. We somehow managed to win two Bloods in the midweek Blood Jam session, gaining Fire blood for “ace” pitcher Lily Cole, and Electric blood for Squid’s Night Shift replacement Troy Bowman. Unfortunately, we never got a shot at the Title Belt, and failed to qualify for the Postseason.

Zee Phantom had been an early Charge favourite, but Lily Cole rapidly overtook them in Week 2. Lily gained many fans by taking Game 1 of the Fiesta to extra innings so they could party before throwing the game winning strike out— a Shakespearean performance which reminded us of our beloved Lowe Forbes. Lily’s solid performance in week two and acquisition of Fire blood made them the clear choice to Charge, a decision I’m sure none of us will come to regret.

–deafhobbit

Core Mechanics 

After being presented our team roster for the Circuit, the Mechanics were in a partying mood— after all, being an average team in the strongest division in the League was just the thing to have to make it far in the Midseason Fiesta, or even win it for the promised prize! To top it off, we’d have a lot of chances for partying to make a good run at the second half of the season, so everything was looking great for a successful season. 

Other than missing a chance at getting another Bees Manhattan (the Mechs previously charged a player of the same name last Short Circuit), the first week of regular season play went about as expected, we declared our favourite bad pitcher Zebrina Vincent our Guest of Honour, even got a First Round Bye to start the Fiesta…

What do you mean, the Fiesta got cancelled after the first round? That was not the plan.

Silver lining: the Title Belt still was a fun feature for the Mechs, being holders of one of the two contested belts for way longer than we should’ve been, finally losing it to the San Francisco Lovers after an eventful and confusing 40-day reign. 

The rest of the season was marked by a flurry of Peanuts, with two Allergic and two Yummy reactions happening on our roster. Both yummy reactions happened on Pedro Vixen, an already strong pitcher who ended up almost Expansion Era shaped because of it. After much deliberation, Pedro Vixen was also selected as the team’s Charge target, as they always respected excellence in pitching. Just need to fix our lineup in the next Era, hopefully.

– Nitro (N1tr00#8811 on Discord)

Kansas City Breath Mints

Ball 1-0. Ball 2-0. Ball 3-0. Boat Hamless draws a walk.

In Kansas City, Boat Hamless’ plate appearances were so regular you could set your watch by them. The method by which they achieved this differed depending on who you asked— some argue that a boat has no identifiable strike zone, others that Hamless had some sort of psychic barrier that repelled strikes, and one opposing pitcher claimed “They just, like, stand there. Menacingly.” Whatever the cause, fans agreed that Boat’s incredible walk rate, OBP and league leading OPS (ignoring, as another reporter put it, undead invaders from another universe) merited a Charge into the Microphone, optimistic they’ll return to lead the League in walks again.

But Boat alone didn’t win the Breath Mints our second ring! Tube Rust was second in the League for Wins, Yuri O’Lantern had a phenomenal postseason BA of 0.407 and Liv Blather and Levar Downey used their Monitor-approved Blood to improve their performances. Most daringly of all, Layla Chambers pulled off the rarely seen but highly effective “catch fire in the postseason, get replaced with a better pitcher who pitches a save” manoeuvre. A brief timeline of events, with time given relative to the Material plane:

11:08pm UTC: Layla lets in three runs from the Worms

11:09pm UTC: Three fans comment “i don’t care if we win as long as layla dies”, “layla go in the fire ,” “has anyone actually been incined this season?”

11:10pm UTC: Rogue Umpire incinerated Layla Chambers! 

Kale Torch then led the team to victory, sporting no losses in their incredibly short career. Wherever they are, I hope they’re enjoying a nice retirement party with the Monitor. And I hope the Mints claim another ring in the Next Era!

• Finn

Miami Dale

Season Cinema was one of the better batters on the Dale, holding the team record for homers, sacrifice plays, and-

Wait, this article was supposed to be about our season? Not our Season?

Well, the Miami Dale had something that could certainly be called a season. The Lineup looked promising with bright stars in the form of Season Cinema, William Heat, Lamar Diomira, and Grace Ray. We also had some incredibly good names in the form of Snake Johns, Stone Pretzel, Season Cinema, and William Heat!

Our rotation? Not so much. Norris Manhattan was our only real superstar, but Emma Bark was ruthless despite her 0.4 stars. Which was bad, because we wanted to be good. Or was it good because we wanted to be bad?

Our goals were conflicting, which proved to be our downfall. We scraped past the Midseason Fiesta, couldn’t clutch it in time for the Playoffs, and choked when we got in through Title Belt power.

Now, a keen-eyed reader will notice that the player we Staticked, Adeline Revelry, is not a ‘star.’ They were more of an underwhelming pitcher who was Frozen more often than not.

But the one key trait that put them above all the other contenders (besides their impeccable name) was Blood Jams Vol. I. The wimd blew in our favor and we snatched Electric blood from the Garages in a repeat of history. And it couldn’t have gone to a more appropriately named player.

Despite all the Features, all the losses, and all the Title Belt shenanigans, this is certain to be a circuit the Dale will remember. At least, the ones who were watching will.

CLEAR FLESH CAN’T LOSE MAX VELOCITY DALE!

-Mango (guzmania#4173 on Discord)

New York Millennials

The Gamme 4 Millennials have been a fun bunch to watch; living completely normal lives until a Microphone emerged in the sky and forcing them to play Blaseball, each of them offered something interesting. Irene Fashion, Coyote Stone, Max Quigley, and Calvin Nether had a strong core in our Lineup. Violeta Cantu led the Mills in Triples, Cy Knives and Harold Castillo held their own, and even Cynthia Chalk and Markus Torch would impress with the occasional stolen base and home run.

The pitching staff was mostly solid, with Mordecai Damage sporting a respectable 2.41 ERA. Asher Juice, Dazzy Deng, and Loner Shelley pitched well, and Daniel Darko… was our Guest of Honor!

Loner Shelley would stand out the most for us, however. A deadpan cosmologist getting the first yummy reaction to a peanut since the Discipline Era, even the Shelled .1 deemed them its progeny. A combination of intense fan interest, solid stats all around, and highly sought after Relevancy (a rare feat among Mills), Loner Shelley was our Charge. While we didn’t perform poorly, we managed to stand out, play about average, and have some memorable moments. Whether it was defeating the Crabs in two simultaneous games, almost facing ourselves in the Fiesta, or Irene receiving a Jersey of Invitation to feature cameos of Deceased players from across universes, I’m proud of these players.

–Clip Clipperson

Yellowstone Magic

The final Short Circuit had us more divided than any other Circuit before it— but that wasn’t a bad thing.

 While it looked like we were going to have a singular star player in Squid Broom, them becoming a Flower meant that we had a better chance to see our team as a whole. While we did have players who performed consistently well, there was no longer a singular player on which all of our attention was focused. 

Peyton Drysdale and Isaac Puffins were both fearsome baserunners. Henri Kraal and Kay Pleck could hit the ball good. Slosh Chalk had a funny name and played well. Not only was our team statistically well-rounded but it felt like everyone was being equally appreciated by us adoring fans. Everyone had their favourite. And in the end, 56% of our adoration was poured into Errol Wool, our final Charge. 

Not only was Wool the only of Magic’s Charges to be in the Lineup rather than rotation, but there was also no one reason as to why they got our last burst of support. 

Though Errol was our Guest of Honor, their buffs from partying ended up being undone by the Ruthless onslaught of Snow, leaving them statistically worse than they started. Instead, we were charmed by the irresistible adoration of a player who was popularly perceived as a sheep. Punny cheers were too good to let go. The image of Charging that thick fluffy fleece with electricity evoked images that we couldn’t pass up. For some, it was simply that “Errol Wool” felt really good to say. Our varied reasoning behind charging Wool is a great reflection of how we experienced these last two weeks as a whole. 

This Circuit, it wasn’t all about the numbers. It was also about the love.

Mal (malgic#8522 on Discord)

And a final note – BNN relies on reports from readers like you to fill out articles! If you’d like to contribute something in the future, head on over to our discord!

The post The Last Dance: Short Circuit 3 Uptempo Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Welcome to what we hope will become a regular series of articles, reporting on the charged players in each circuit. We’re starting out with Frozen Sky since we had several BNN reporters who focus on these teams— with luck, we will be able to produce more articles like this in the future!

Boston Flowers

The hero…. the record setter… the legend… Lyra Vitamin! They were the Boston Flowers first Charge and the powerhouse leading the League in several categories while setting records in Boston.

Jose Gravy, the Boston Flowers Charge in Short Circuit 3, was not quite that. Short Circuit 3 had blessed the Boston Flowers with a team who excelled in one thing and one thing only, entering Party Time. Despite that, Gravy was certainly our best player.

By the time the Mid-Season Election rolled around Jose Gravy had taken the lead in several batting categories, and they didn’t slow down afterwards. 

Jose Gravy won the Snow Mittens, heavily improving their defence, and the Teams as a whole.  The Feet Warmers Amplification didn’t go to waste either, Gravy was spotted walking onto first, and then stealing their way back home.

Their opposition in discussions about who to Charge was Lila Icicle, who you may have heard of before for being incredibly bad. Icicle was the last batter in the Circuit to hit the ball, and was either the worst overall or next to it in pretty much every imaginable metric of batting skill.

Having terrible batters isn’t news to the Flowers, Icicle had the third worst OPS+ in Blaseball history*, behind two fellow Flowers Moses Mason and Salih Ultrabass.

Icicles’ habit of getting Frozen, however, was extremely funny in relation to their name.

Once more the Boston Flowers felt themselves torn between a loveable skilled player, and a loveable terrible player. The Team loved both players, but internal Team polling on the discord made it clear, Jose Gravy was set to go on a journey to the great static in the sky. 

In the end the Team successfully Discharged Gravy with a respectable 64% of their Charge votes.

With one good player and one legendary player now Charged, it’s looking like the Boston Flowers are hoping they will one day see these players return to play with the Boston Flowers again. Let’s Grow!

* – Over a 90+ Game period 

–Kidror

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

The Jazz have taken a very relaxed approach to the Short Circuits voting. We don’t know what charging does, so we have been “Free Jazzing” every Election. Though only one player can win, so two players became the front runners. 

Hester Scythe has something the prime universe Jazz team has needed forever, pitching stars. Had Hester been a pitcher they would have been the best pitcher in this universe (until Giannis got the Fist).

Prometheus Bug is a fan favorite. They have a top tier name, had fun upshelling campaign, great baserunning and fan loyalty, and are just a solid batter. 

Hester Scythe managed to eke out the charge vote win. Based on Jazz Hands tracked votes it was a close to 50/50 race. If charging does eventually involve the prime universe the Jazz hope that the team’s pitching will get a needed boost, but also hope that Hester never picks up a bat again.  

-Malst (Malst#9560 on Discord)

Canada Moist Talkers

This circuit, the Talkers voted to Charge Saturday Elder. After coming first in the league in the main season, the Talkers went on to win the championship, and Saturday’s performance is in no small part responsible for this victory! Their main season performance was good (0.283 BA, and 0.887 OPS), but with a postseason BA of 0.423 and OPS of 1.271, they were the star of the postseason.

SIBRmetrics aside, though, there is a wonderful story involving Saturday that led to their popularity among fans. On Day Seven, the Moist Talkers faced off against the Hawai’i Fridays. After nine Innings, the Talkers were down 5-2. The Fridays’ pitcher Byran Bono wasn’t particularly strong– Bono would go on to sport an ERA of 5.30 for the season– but they were having a good outing. Tilda Dasher and Nico Haycox went up to bat and hit a ground out and flyout respectively. Three runs down, and with two Outs in the final inning, even to devout fans the game seemed lost.

But then the incredible happened– Valkyrie Domski, second worst batter on the team by OPS, hit a double on the first pitch! Three walks from Bing Assiri, Jasper Coven and Carin Burns followed; the score was now 5-3 with Valkyrie safely at home again. Kinsley Reed hit a double to tie up the score, and now not only a victory but Shame was within reach!

Saturday Elder up to bat. Two balls, and then– a single! Saturday Shamed the Fridays! They went on to steal a base and get batted in by Sasha Baths, before Tilda Dasher hit a ground out to end the game. This inning had seen the Talkers come from behind to score five runs and Shame the Fridays, and every one of their batters saw play. What a performance!

Saturday became a fan favourite after this, with the fans proudly chanting “Saturdays are made for Dads!” to spur on this superb batter. As one fan put it, they were charged for their high spits and hits, and I hope we get to see similar stories and performances from Saturday in the future!

–Finn

Hades Tigers

After the amazing discharge of Rat Love (have you heard of Rat Love?), The Tigers cuddled up in a snowy cloud of frozen sloth and took a nap. Lovely dreams of rats dancing through empty heads. And thus the stage is set for a well deserved slumber party.

Initial review of the new roster told fans one thing: these Tigers suck. This alone was enough for a somber celebration. But more, we are now lighter than air as Hades freezes over. In typical Tiger nature, our new roster had a mighty thirst for base and an inability to throw a ball. Amusingly, that thirst was not matched with any capacity to actually steal. Meaning ridiculous plays as dizzy Tigers fell over each other trying to round the diamond.

So, with a yawn. One solitary fan picked pitcher Ethan Rivet. Alone making up 39% of the total vote. When asked for comment, this stripe stated: ”I liked the name and didn’t want to not spend my votes.”

So congratulations to Ethan Rivet. Among the Tiger’s pitchers, second best. In the context of this circuit— not objectively awful.

Many Stripes, One Sleepy Tiger.

-Khalvin8 (Khalvin8#1127 on Discord)

Kansas City Breath Mints

In the Mid-Season Election, the Breath Mints won the Snow Shovel. Saoirse Singh’s Snow Shovel (try saying that three times fast) was a core component of the Breath Mints’ offense, with a much-improved BA and OPS post-election (and starting from a solid base). Their offensive SIBRmetrics with the shovel, as calculated by one fan, were .312 BA / .387 OBP / .688 SLG / 1.075 OPS (179 OPS+). The OPS+ metric evaluates batting performance against the league average, and roughly translates to Singh producing 79% more runs than the average player– a wonderful performance!

They were, however, not the only batter considered for a Charge. When Breath Mints fans convened for our Parliamint, we were unable to choose between Saoirse Singh and Maisy Geiger. Geiger’s performance over the same period was comparable, and in fact sported an OPS+ of 216! Some fans, hopeful that a Charged player could return to us in some form, argued that if Maisy could perform like this without their own Snow Shovel, they could be even better further down the line! Others argued that Maisy’s performance might be in part due to their ability to draw walks, and hence their performance might struggle against more Ruthless pitchers, such as those seen in the late Expansion Era.

Ultimately, fans loved both players, with chants for including “Hot Singhles!,” “SINGHER TIME!,” “Geiger makes it count!,” “RADIOACTIVE!,” and “We can count on Maisy!” Choosing between these two players proved impossible, with tied votes after two rounds. We resolved therefore to leave the choice up to the wimds of fate, all agreed that no matter who won, we’d have charged a great batter that we were proud of. And this is exactly what happened– here’s hoping Singh returns to lead a Breath Mints offense in the future!

–Finn

New York Millennials

Clip Clipperson, reporting Live from Upstate New York, in the area where the Gamma 3 Millennials had been playing for the last two weeks over the recent Season. 

Rumors suggested that Eli Nocturne, Team Captain, local Coffee Barge owner, and recipient of the Fourth Strike Distortion in the Midseason Election, had kidnapped the rest of the Team to play Blaseball for mysterious ends. I attempted to get an interview with Nocturne, however there was a Scream Crumpet wailing in the snack case. What I could piece together from Eli included, “Welcome to the Coffee Barge, can I interest you in an Xpresso?” and “I’ve had a change of heart and do believe that perhaps kidnapping Blaseball Players to be was bad, actually.”

Manuela “Manny” Rowdy, reported to be a “hockey” player, whatever that is, from the New York you may be reading this from right now. Manny Rowdy (4.00 ERA, 13-8 W/L, 209 SO) performed admirably, among the better pitchers in the League, despite showing so much promise as a batter and fielder. When questioned, Rowdy said, “Well, you know, pitching seemed like a strong challenge, and my captor, er, Captain, Eli Nocturne, said they were short a pitcher.” 

As the Postseason Election drew to a close, Manny Rowdy skated their way into the Charging station, believing it was a way to get back home. Magnus Plague, an Ohio Doctor and newly Feedbacked Millennial, gave a shrug when questioned about the Microphone’s Charges.

Local Millennials Fans had some comments about the last Circuit:

“Look, sometimes you lore a haunted coffee barge prison and you lore it so well one of your players immediately escapes via Feedback.” -rudy
“They not only escaped, but left a helpfully mean Plague in their place!” -eberron
“Eli Nocturne sure does know how to pick who they kidnap huh” -Woosh
“I can’t believe Mills good again and it’s in a universe where it doesn’t even matter” –erobo
“What else can I say? Mills mills.” -local hydropastry fan

What will the next Circuit have for our New York Millennials? New Year’s Blowouts are what we’ve known for, and whoever is Hosting it should look forward to seeing the Millennials in the Playoffs again, or at the very least, a 010 Midseason Enhanced Party Time Invitation in their future!

–Clip Clipperson

And just a final note – we have only been able to make an article like this for Frozen Sky so far. If you’re a fan of a team and want to write a report like these, to show off your charged player and why they were chosen, please get in touch! We’d love to produce more articles like this in the future, with input from fans of each team.

The post Icy Lightning: Frozen Sky SC2 Charges appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Season 15 wasn’t particularly good to the Jazz Hands. It wasn’t particularly bad either. It just kind of was. 

While the rest of the League battled Consumer attacks and Redactions, the Jazz Hands were content to cruise along the highway of mediocrity, drinking coffee and eating popcorn. The Jazz Hands didn’t make the Playoffs and didn’t enter PARTYTIME until Day 91. It was an altogether unremarkable season of Blaseball, somehow. 

Season 15 was the polar opposite of Season 13 as far as team-altering events go: there were no Incerations, Blooddrains, Consumer attacks, Reverb shuffles, or Feedback swaps. A few players were swept Elsewhere— most notably Dervin Gorczyca, who spent a total of 63 days away— but that was about it. No Jazz Hands players were targeted for Redaction, or Shelled, or attacked by birds. The team only lost a single Win to Black Hole Weather. Things seemed almost…normal. 

(As I write this, please know I am furiously knocking on every single piece of wood in my immediate vicinity, regardless of size). 

Fans successfully funded the Grind Rail Stadium addition, which objectively rules, and an LCD Soundsystem, which should make any future Feedback swaps slightly less painful. The Pocket is coming together nicely, in this reporter’s opinion. 

While the Jazz Hands eked out three more Wins than last season, it was a pretty down year across the board. The team boasted a collective OPS of just .685 (up slightly from .619 in Season 14) and a team ERA of 4.28 (compared to 3.81 last season). 

Before Lowe Forbes was swept away to Elsewhere on Day 84, they managed to tie the League leader in sacrifice bunts. Collins Melon was third in stolen bases (65) across the ILB, and the always dependable Baby Doyle made the leaderboard for Doubles. 

The top of the Jazz Hands Rotation continued to excel, with Conrad Vaughan and Walton Sports both turning in solid seasons. The team was held back a bit however by poor performances from Kathy Mathews and Edric Tosser. 

Just for fun, this is what a “down” year looks like for Wyatt Pothos: 2.41 ERA, 0.665 WHIP, four shutouts, 161 Ks and a 9.4 SO/9. I’ll take that any time.

While the rebuild initiated in Season 13 might not be over yet, the Jazz Hands are in decent shape going forward thanks to a pair of Season 15 Election moves. 

The team successfully swapped Edric Tosser to the Shadows, replacing him with Howell Rocha, a much better pitcher. Hitters League-wide received a boost in the form of Bats, which may or may not be a temporary buff. Additionally, the Jazz Hands successfully returned Kathy Mathews to the Lineup, plugging a hole in their Rotation and adding a solid hitter in a single move. 

The trio of Collins Melon, Baby Doyle, and Bauer Zimmerman look like a force at the bottom of the Hands Lineup, and Tamara Crankit and Steph Weeks are no slouches. There are still a few holes, but the offense is in a remarkably better spot than it was after Season 13. 

The Jazz Hands Rotation is also in a good spot following a two-season rebuild. With the addition of rookie Howell Rocha, the team will have an above-average pitcher starting every game next season (barring, well, blaseball). 

This Jazz Hands might still struggle to compete with the heavy hitters of the Wild League, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they found themselves competing for a Playoff spot next season. 

The post Jazz Hands Season 15 Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Coming off a surprising post-Grand Siesta playoff run and buoyed by solid election results, it’s safe to say Jazz Hands fans had high expectations for the team going into Season 13. 

What a difference a week makes. 

The Jazz Hands roster that limped to the finish line on Friday was not the same one that took the Hellmouth Sunbeams to a Game 5 in the Season 12 playoffs. In one of the most chaotic seasons for a single team in recent memory, the Jazz Hands were beset by a whirlwind of unfortunate events that ushered in a sudden rebuilding period. 

Things were certainly looked up following the Season 12 elections – Tamara Crankit’s offseason workouts had a clear impact, transforming her into a formidable leadoff hitter. The team also received a somewhat surprising Fourth Strike modification, as a treat. 

The Season 13 Jazz Hands got off to a slow start, tied for the league’s worst record through the first seven games. But they soon steadied, finishing 14-13 by Earlsiesta. 

The team hit its first bump during Game 13 when Elijah Valenzeula was swept off the basepath to Elsewhere. Crankit and Conrad Vaughan were swept away in Game 24, followed by Collins Melon in Game 31. Jazz Hands players spent a total of 62 days Elsewhere in Season 13. 

A shocking blow came during Game 64, when the Jazz Hands’ once-steady lineup was shuffled by Reverb. The event sent pitchers Lowe Forbes, Combs Estes, and Campos Arias to the lineup while Conrad Vaughan, Kathy Matthew, and Holden Stanton joined the rotation. 

Vaughan isn’t a bad pitcher, but the rotation took a hit with the loss of Arias (owner of a 3.10 ERA at the time of the swap), who was replaced with the below-average Mathews and the frankly terrible Holden Stanton. 

The lineup was put in an arguably worse position. Combs Estes was a poor batter before the swap and having their blood drained during Game 72 only exacerbated the problem. After experiencing the joy of a red-hot Tamara Crankit hitting first for most of the season, the Jazz Hands started the Lateseason with Valenzuela (another Blooddrain victim) batting in the leadoff spot. The team’s best hitter, actual infant Baby Doyle, was also pushed down the lineup by Reverb shenanigans. 

Even Wyatt Pothos, the Jazz Hands’ ace pitcher, was not immune. On the precipice of a potentially record-breaking season, Pothos had an allergic reaction in game 68, cutting short her quest for a sub-1.00 ERA. 

As fans scrambled to put together a plan for the Elections, Estes was incinerated on day 98 and replaced with rookie Dervin Gorczyca. 

Most of the damage to the team had already been done by Day 72 when the Jazz Hands broke ground on Breckenridge Community Field (aka The Pocket) with the Loge prefab. While the new open-air stadium will be an excellent event space for Jazz Hands productions, there are indications it could expose teams to more inclement weather in the future. 

Despite all of that, Season 13 wasn’t entirely bad. 

Tamara Crankit proved to be a force at the top of the lineup, finishing with a .317/.366/.563 slash line and 17 home runs. Post-peanut Pothos was still one of the league’s best pitchers, finishing with a 1.35 ERA and 211 strikeouts. Pothos finished in the top 10 in seven different pitching categories, struck out nearly 13 batters per nine innings, and threw a perfect game on Day 36. 

Conrad Vaughan (2.95 ERA, 57 strikeouts) and Campos Arias (.829 OPS, 5 home runs) settled nicely into their new roles after the Reverb event. A few late-season parties also helped boost the stats of Crankit, Lightner, Steph Weeks, and Walton Sports. 

The team showed grit in the face of superior pitching, too, with underdog wins against Hiroto Wilcox (pitching against Edric Tosser) on Day 34 and Alexandria Rosales (pitching against Stanton) on Day 96. On Day 76, a beaten and bruised Jazz Hands team beat the heavily favored Wild Wings and their ace Burke Gonzalez by 0.3 un-runs.

Season 13, unfortunately, kicked off a sudden rebuilding mode for the Jazz Hands, just after things were looking up. The Season 13 elections went kind of according to plan – the Jazz Hands successfully traded for old friend August Sky, who will be a significant improvement over Holden Stanton in the rotation. 

But the second part of the team’s rebuild didn’t come to fruition. Instead of sending Stephens Lightner to the shadows in exchange for Bauer Zimmerman, the Jazz Hands tripped backward into an Earlybirds modification on accident. On top of that, the Jazz Hands didn’t receive any blessings and all three of Flotation Buble Blessings were won by the Wild Low division.

The Jazz Hands’ pitching may have been stabilized, but the team still has significant holes in their lineup and have the misfortune of playing in the highly competitive Wild League. Season 14 promises to be another tough season for Breckenridge. 

The post Breckenridge Jazz Hands Season 13 Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

The Breckenridge Jazz Hands weren’t Internet League Blaseball’s worst team in Season 13 — that honor goes to the Ohio Worms, who set a Blaseball record for the fewest wins (14)  in a season. They weren’t even the worst team in their own division. 

A casual observer of the final regular season standings on Friday afternoon might assume the Jazz Hands, who finished with 43 wins, had an altogether mediocre season. They would be wrong. 

The Jazz Hands were easily the unluckiest blallclub in Season 13. You name it, the team experienced it: missing players, incinerations, allergic reactions, blood drains, roster shuffles. Jazz Hands fans watched with increasing horror as beloved players on a once-solid roster were blindfolded, spun around, handed a bat and pushed into traffic. 

Here’s a breakdown of one of the saddest seasons in ILB history:

The Great Elsewhere Tour of 2021

The Jazz Hands woes began in Game 13, when noted anticapitalist Elijah Valenzuela was swept away to Elsewhere during Flooding weather. Valenzuela was followed in quick succession by teammates Conrad Vaughan, Tamara Crankit, and Collins Melon, who decided to take their small but talented ensemble on a brief tour.

The team wouldn’t be reunited in full until Game 41. Eli remained Scattered for 30 more games, but for a brief time it seemed as if the worst of Season 13 was over. Hahahahahahah. 

Blue Thursday 

Breckenridge’s version of the Red Wedding began mostly innocuously, when pitcher Combs Estes swallowed a stray peanut in Game 43 and suffered an allergic reaction. The impact of that peanut wouldn’t be seen in full until Game 64, which kicked off what some Jazz Hands’ faithful have dubbed Blue Thursday. 

During Game 64, a burst of Reverb shuffled the Jazz Hands’ roster like a small child flinging a box of puzzle pieces across a room. The event sent pitchers Lowe Forbes, Combs Estes and Campos Arias to the lineup while Conrad Vaughan, Kathy Mathews and Holden Stanton joined the rotation. The players who swapped spots were largely Not Good At The Other Thing.

Things somehow got worse a few games later, when Wyatt Pothos — the team’s ace pitcher, Queen, and general badass — suffered an allergic reaction to a stray peanut, derailing what had been a record-breaking season for her up until that point. 

Thursday, somehow, was not over. During game 72, still-Scattered Elijah Valenzuela and Combs Estes had their blood drained by Knight Triumphant — leaving Estes, uh, a little out of sorts. 

Because the Jazz Hands lineup needed more holes for some reason, Campos Arias was Swept Away on Day 82 and Stephens Lightner got the peanut treatment during game 84. 

Sometime during all of that, the Jazz Hands were looped twice in the same game by the Wild Wings, losing two wins to Black Hole weather in the process. Fun!  

Incineration of Combs Estes

At this point, Jazz Hands fans were firmly in #PARTYTIME mode. The team was able to put a small band-aid on a gaping wound with a few late season Parties, but the Blaseball Gods had one more surprise up their sleeves.

On Day 98, a rogue umpire incinerated Estes during the top of the 7th inning, bringing the Jazz Hands’ Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Season to a close on an especially miserable note. 

Combs may not have known the top of the bat from the bottom, but they were a solid pitcher and an excellent dancer with a flair for the dramatic who made sure all their teammates were always impeccably dressed. RIV, Combs. We’ll miss you. 

On the heels of one of the most chaotic seasons in ILB history, the Jazz Hands are now firmly in rebuilding mode. And despite a brief lateseason move to Denver, I believe they have what it takes to succeed. 

The post The Breckenridge Jazz Hands and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Season appeared first on Blaseball News Network.