Forbidden Book-It

The Book is full of redactions but it’s clear enough on a few things:

Section 2. The League. Assorted Sub-Sections

• b. A League of Blaseball should be composed of two Conferences. In the Internet League, the two Conferences shall be named Good and Evil.
• c. A Conference should be composed of two Divisions. In the Internet League, the Divisions shall be split between Chaotic and Awful.
• d. A Division of Blaseball should be composed of six Teams.

Conference = Good and Evil.  Division = Awful and Chaotic.  Got it.

There are rules for the Regular season, and that went, well, not “smoothly,” but it went Blaseball-y. No major gaffes, we ended with 90 games and some teams who did better than others.  Let’s talk about the Postseason.

Section 3.  The Seasons.  Assorted subsections

• j. In the Postseason, Teams compete for a Championship.
• k. Each Postseason of Blaseball shall consist of 8 Teams.

8 Teams, check.  Who played?

• l. The 2 Division Winners from each Conference shall secure a spot in the Postseason Tournament.

Put another way: Each division (there are 4 total) will have a winner, the team that had the most wins in that division (there were no ties, thank the Suns and Black Holes). Your Division winners for Season 2:

• m. The next 2 Runnerups from each Conference shall secure a spot in the Postseason Tournament, based on Standings, regardless of Division.

In a conference, 2 teams are already decided, the winner of each division within them. The other 2 teams will be chosen based on their win-loss record, so conceivably, three teams from one division could play in their post-season Conference. This did happen in the Evil Conference; the Chaotic Evil Wild Wings and Hawai’i Fridays had more wins than the 1st runner up in the Awful division (sorry Jazz Hands). It was a very close race in the good conference, the Lovers were only 1 win above the Dale, and we don’t know how tiebreakers are handled in the Coronation Era.

Your remaining teams for the S2 Post-season:

Back to the book:    

• n. All Postseason Rounds shall be decided by best 3 of 5 Series.

Yup.

• o. Seeds are distributed to Teams based on their position in the Standings. [REDACTED]

A bit of examination can suss out this redaction: Within a conference, the seeds were matched on Win-Loss Record, with 1st playing 4th and 2nd playing 3rd.

• The Home Team in each Postseason Game shall be [REDACTED]

We would love to know what this rule is – why Boston got home-team advantage throughout the post-season and if it provided any form of advantage – but that’s a query for another article.

Post-Season: A Story With Pictures

(all images from Blaseball Commissioner Alternate on Twitter, edits by author where noted)

p. The Quarterfinal Round should begin shortly after the end of the Regular Season.

And this is what it looked like:

• q. The Semifinal Round, the Conference Championships, should begin early on the following [REDACTED] day.

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS. As in, the winner of the GOOD Conference and the winner of the EVIL Conference. It looked like this:

That’s not just anyones’ blue arrow. That’s the Commish trying to explain what happened here.  I didn’t do much better but at least I corrected the lines:

The semi-finals were mis-matched. Instead of the Beams playing the Flowers for the GOOD Conference Championships, and the Magic facing the Fridays for the EVIL Conference, the games went-cross conference.

On the one hand, this is quintessential Blaseball, a wacky glitch, a comedy of errors, and an entertaining outcome. Play Must Continue, after all.

But to editorialize a bit, this one feels particularly wrong.

Dasilodavi’s Editorial (Sunbeams and Flowers fan):

I like rules. When properly designed and implemented, they exist to increase fun, to balance, and to disambiguate. We hold The Book as sacrosanct (I treat The Book as synonymous with The Forbidden Book, which may not be the case). It’s the Rules. It’s a cursed and frightening tome. Every time we open it someone is incinerated. SO, what to do if we find its rules are suddenly fallible?

Section 2 subsection Q of The Book clearly states that the semi-final round is for the Conference Championships. It does not state the specific nature of that matchup, but one can reasonably assume it will be between teams within a conference.  As much as I like rules, I dislike rules-lawyering, that specific brand of logic gymnastics used to twist a rule’s purpose or justify an ambiguity.  I’d accept it if it was backed with an interesting narrative: if The Commissioner gravely informed us, “The Black Hole twisted the very fabric of the bracket at the center and the corners merged into an unforeseen and irreversible mutation of the League.  Play Must Continue,” I’d eat it up.

That’s not what happened here. It was clearly, succinctly, and blandly stated: Internal Error. I still prefer the idea that an intern named Al screwed it up.  

You might have missed it if The Fridays beat the Sunbeams XOR the Magic defeated the Flowers. That didn’t happen; both GOOD teams beat both EVIL teams, leaving no Evil Conference Champ.

So, they “gave” it to the Beams:

Why? Was there something that guided this decision? My guess is, since the Magic were a more Evil team (better record within the Evil Conference), the Beams were granted dominion over that Conference by defeating them. It’s silly and arbitrary, which makes it peak Blaseball.

ILB Finals: Boston Flowers vs. Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams

Hell of a final though, eh? Games 1-3 were decided by a single run, with no shortage of scoring between the teams. The Big Bat Beams primarily scored on Home Runs and big plays, while the fast-growing and agile Vine Wall that is the Flowers put the legs to work with numerous triples, doubles, double plays, and solid fielding. Game 4 was a can-opener to be sure (final score 12 to 2, Beams), but an action-packed series worthy of an ILB Final.

Aftermath

There have been cracks in the crust of reality before but The Book has always been enforced.  That it might in any way be disobeyed without consequence is the most horrifying twist for me in this horror splort. My greatest hope is that we see something deeper come from this. Will the Crew Chief be pressured to make reprimands? Will all Evil Conference Teams have Vendetta status against the interloping Beams (tell me this wouldn’t rock, regardless of how arbitrarily unfair it would be)? Unstable players are one thing, but what of a game with Unstable Rules…

From a fandom perspective, it’s justifiably frustrating with how all this went down – Magic and Fridays fans are discouraged to see their chances of cinching a Conference championship dashed by interlopers, but more than that, a bond between two rival teams was twisted, and the payoff, if there is one, is yet to be seen.

I hope to cherish it. For all my gripes, to me this was something deeply special.

The Beams are my favorite team, the Flowers are my second. To see a Sunflowers matchup in an ILB final isn’t just improbable, it’s forbidden, and yet it happened! Baseball has been punctuated, if not defined, by its gaffes and rule-stretching – NaN is a beloved player, Wyatt Mason VII is the star of a beautiful animatic that always makes me cry, and Jaylen Hotdogfingers’ necromantic rise is the best example of the impossible becoming Legendary.. A bad mistake can make a great story, and this one is an even greater treat for its rarity. I would guess it will never happen again, but it’s like they say in the Solarium; Never Estimate.

Dan’s Editorial (Magic and Flowers Fan):

Ever since the glitch in the sim was noticed Friday evening, well before gameplay started on Saturday afternoon, I’ve been struggling with how to handle how this would affect the postseason. However, before I get into the postmortem on this, a few bullet points:

• Immense appreciation to Dasilodavi for doing the bulk of the work on this piece, and being okay with me adding my own editorial. This would have been overall a much less constructive and more aggressive without their major contributions.
• The Magic and the Fridays have a special name for when they get together for a series called Friday Night Magic. A Semifinals Friday Night Magic was something everyone was immensely excited for. On the Yellowstone side at least, over a dozen different pieces of propaganda were made, and we were organizing with the Fridays for a big watch party in the ParkPark for it.
• Blaseball didn’t communicate about the nature or issue of the glitch in the Sim until after the beginning of the first game of the Semifinals. This is despite nudges on Twitter, as well as with support staff on the official Blaseball discord closer to game time on Saturday.

These help set up a coherent timeline for how things played out. Both Magic and Fridays fans were stoked to see a Semifinals Friday Night Magic based on Blaseballs initial announcement of the semifinal bracket, as well as our knowledge of the rules of Blaseball and how it functions. The vibes were immaculate and energizing, then came game time.

Don’t get me wrong, reader, I love the Flowers, and getting a semifinals with them was great, a tight five game series that saw some explosive bats. However, seeing the Fridays forced to try and fight through the near unstoppable Sunbeams was more than a little disheartening. Hopes of a FNM Finals were dashed, and alongside the half hearted post from Blaseball, the positive vibes and energy for the postseason that week were crushed.

To clarify, what I feel is the first major error with this glitch was not the glitch itself. I understand that sometimes, these things simply CANNOT be fixed in time. Instead, my complaint is how poorly communications were handled about this. A quick “Hey, we see there’s something wrong, we’re working on it.” on Twitter or Discord would have been more than enough.

The second part of where I really struggle with this is how they did end up handling things after they recognized there was a problem, which felt akin to pulling the curtain back on it all. Sure,  making sure the games happened *IS* important, but this was at the expense of showing that all the buildup from the season and quarterfinals suddenly didn’t matter. It broke the kayfabe that the whole enterprise is based on, though I understand pointing this out makes me just as guilty of the same faux pas.

My final point in all this, is that the glitch, alongside Blaseball’s handling of it, detracted from what was supposed to be an exceptionally positive vibes-filled postseason. We all knew the Beams were going to take it, but instead of enjoying their climb to victory and the stories that were going to come out of it, discourse on the glitch has detracted from it. That may be the biggest issue at hand, that if Blaseball had been proactive on this, the vibes and kayfabe would have been perfectly preserved.

My hope is that criticism on this is respected, and Blaseball learns from how this was mishandled, and do a bit more to communicate and preserve the relationship with the fans.

The analysis section of this piece, as well as the first editorial, was written by Dasilodavi. You can find more of him, as well as our own Joey T Badger, over at Magic Laughs at https://www.facebook.com/MagicLaughs/

The post A Smudge in The Book of Blaseball: Recounting the Season 2 Semi-Final Shuffle: Recounting the Season 2 Semi-Final Shuffle appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Atlantis Georgias

The Georgias Hubris Cycle reached cataclysmic heights this season as we went from a record-breaking 113 wins and a nice 69% win rate in the main season to being viciously swept out of the postseason in our first round. So what went wrong?

The Georgias were abuzz right from the start as we were projected to be the strongest team this season, due to a very solid pitching rotation and a great defence to back it up. However our offence was comparatively mediocre, despite a few star players in the form of fan-favourite 80s horror protagonist Penelope Video, deep-sea rave DJ Hyena Dropper, and Gianna Schenn who became our best hitter thanks to an incredible Yummy reaction only to be stranded at the end of our Lineup by a Reverb.

By the end of the main season we had given up fewer runs than any other team, but were only tenth in total runs scored. This reliance on defence gave us a lot of close games, and while the length of the main season ensured it averaged out in our favour, for the postseason it left us easily at risk of being eliminated by a few bad games.

And what a few bad games they were. With the rise in overall league offence from the midseason Elections, combined with the Georgias failing to secure any Squid Gifts or Blood Jams and choking in both of our Prize Matches, it was probably inevitable that our initial advantage would wear off. Things went even more disastrously in the second game against the Shoe Thieves when a massive blizzard froze the weaker half of the Shoe Thieves’ Lineup, leaving us facing an absolutely deadly array of batters, including former Georgia Babka McCoy, who was Feedbacked for Lorcan Griffey earlier in the season.

-Jangalian (Jangalian#7646 on Discord)

Charleston Shoe Thieves

This Circuit we’re highlighting (but not Charging) Zora Kramer, a garbage pitcher whose fighting spirit inspired us all.

Our playoff series versus the Wild Wings showed the depth of Zora’s grit. They pitched first, eager to give us a win, and immediately gave up a 2-run homer. We lost that game 19–6, and Zora squatted on the mound, disappointed. They tried, but the rest of the Rotation would have to carry us.

But in the third game, a winter storm Froze two subsequent pitchers, and Zora was called back from the bullpen! A second chance. Zora took a breath, concentrated. A hardened gaze through the snowstorm.

The Wings scored 7 runs that inning. Final score: 25–3. Zora was in anguish. Had they not tried hard enough? They looked inward as we looked to the next game and to Hartley Pebble, who had already given us a win this series.

But wait— who’s that walking to the mound? It’s Zora! They begged for one last chance to give their team a win, and who could say no to that hunger, that drive? So, in defiance of all reason, bottom-of-the-league Zora Kramer took the mound for the third time in a five-game series.

Each pitch was a herculean effort. Visibly straining, Zora held the Wings to one run for an unthinkable six innings. We watched in disbelief as they tore themselves apart to keep us in this series. By the seventh inning, they were spent, but never stopped fighting. The Wings won, but only by two runs.

Zora’s heart was broken, but ours were full of pride. They left it all on the mound, and what more could you ask of a player? We didn’t charge Zora Kramer, but don’t let that fool you. Zora will be with us forever, in heart and sole.

-Jeremy T (APieceOfWorkAmI#8349)

Chicago Firefighters 

Well, if nothing else, the Chicago Firefighters had another interesting Circuit. 

Let’s start from the beginning: when the teams were first revealed, we appeared to have a pretty standard Firefighters team. Average at best with some half decent batters, bad pitching, okay defense, and far more peanut allergies than not. It seemed as though we would be headed for the Fiesta, if we were lucky.

That did not happen.

Less than 40 games into the season, the Firefighters experienced a Night Shift for the thirdCircuit in a row, bringing out Owen Turbo, who would end up being the best pitcher in the League (and despite Feedbacking to the Spies, would only lose two games the entire season), inevitably helping the team narrowly miss the Fiesta. 

That’s not where the weather stopped, though. The team had three Feedbacks over the course of the season: a shockingly mutually beneficial early one with the Crabs, the aforementioned Turbo feedback for Cher Kumar of the Spies (which took a day to go through because of “features”), and a late season batter swap with the Garages. With the Firefighters only having two non-Allergic players, it was no surprise when fan favourite Tube Nebula got decimated by a Peanut (and was equally not shocking when they became our Guest of Honor). Most notably, however, was Craig Faucet getting incinerated and proceeding to play another 10 games afterwards, who despite our best efforts— was not even charged for their troubles.

The thing is, none of these things stopped the Firefighters. Despite winning no Blessings or items, being bombarded with weather, and using their only boosts to salvage a hurt player, they managed to claw their way to third seed, claiming fifth in the league despite all odds. And more than anything, I think that’s the story of the Firefighters this Circuit and beyond; the ability to make something out of nothing.

–Stara

Hellmouth Sunbeams

The Hellmouth Sunbeam entered this Short Circuit right where they wanted to be– bound for the .500 line. Sure, in a season with parties for the worst teams and Playoffs for the best, that had downsides, but the Beams knew what they were about… and then they tanked their way into the midseason fiesta badly enough to get into round one and they were ready to Party their way to the top! And then… they didn’t. One game in EPT, a bit of timeline shenanigans, and the fiesta ended with the Beams better than before but not playoffs material. But not for long!

Because then the Beams claimed (one of) the Title Belt(s) and Royce Spider decided to sit on it, the universe decided that that was Royce’s. And then… the belt got taken. But not for long! Because then the Beams got the only Wild Card slot! They were in the Playoffs! They were going for the championship! And then… they got kicked out round one. And all this happened in a bog-theatre-gothic horror-small town with a chandelier containing the last shards of a dead sun. And their final record was 82-80.

There were icons, like Sun Paladin Amanda Rowdy, or incineration replacement Calvin Revenant, or Samuel ‘Slamuel’ Finnegan, but there was one real hero. Julian Greene had plenty going for them. An early standout on the starting roster, Julian entered the world with 3.9 batting stars. They’d have a top 10 OPS+ (ignoring all the undead invaders from another universe) and a taste for snacking on snow which would bring them to nearly 5 batting stars over the course of the season (before dragging them back to a measly 4.5). But who cares about that? Pregame Ritual Charging? Let’s gooooooooooooo!

-Nix

San Francisco Lovers

It was a beat-down for the Lovers this circuit, trying their best to sell their angle to no avail. The team narrowly slid their way into the midseason Fiesta, missing out on all the action before it could even begin. According to insider sources, a feud between the Lovers and the Mexico City Wild Wings started to get hot after headliner Fontaine Teacup Feedbacked with Liv Chan, but the show was not over for this B-Team yet.

The Lovers held to their wills, and held up their pants holding onto one of the… two title belts until right before the Postseason. When Parker declared reunification, it was a headliner match against Miami. It was a clean finish with the Lovers on the mat. Miami went on into the post season, leaving the Lovers to nurse their aches & bruises.

Eliot Heartfield was sent up into the Mic with the hope that they wouldn’t be destined to become just another Jannetty, but the fate of our Charged players is a story line for another era. All in all, these Lovers couldn’t keep the gold, but that didn’t mean this season wasn’t a popcorn match. With the circuits over and the next era in limbo, maybe this team can get on after all.

-Avery M. (Ackasi#9049 on Discord)

Mexico City Wild Wings

The Mexico City Wild Wings were good this Short Circuit. This was very confusing for a lot of long term Wings fans, because the Wings have never been good. Even when they won their Championship, they came from fourth in the conference. Even when Burke Gonzales was one of the best pitchers in the League they were barely a 0.500 team. So 99 wins and a trip to the Championship, even if it was to lose to The Breath Mints. (a fine, deserving winner) was the sort of inexplicable thing that tested the very boundaries of the game’s capabilities to handle, and was thus appropriate for a Short Circuit.

The “why” of the Wings being good is actually very easy to explain. They hit the ball a lot (1468, first in the League), hit it the furthest (SLG 0.501, first) and thus scored the most runs (975, first). Such was the ferocious offensive output that meant it almost didn’t matter that Tobias Diallo and Mitch Pink forgot where the strike zone was for innings at a time (third and fourth in walks league wide, respectively).

The continual high performance of Soledad Drama, Nova Bye, Alonso Clement, and Lillian McKinley (a 98% consensus pick to charge the microphone) led to the most improbable Wings team to ever exist, a rollicking riotous ball of fun that wasn’t constrained by the Wings of seasons past, and featured such fantastic names as Genesis Toad and Slow McDonald.

Will the Wings be this good again? Probably not. But it won’t matter. The one time we were good was fun, and underdog stories are also fun, and maybe one day we’ll get to see Lillian hit a ball a long way again. Which will be fun.

-BNN Wild Wings correspondent Spludge

Philly Pies

The Pies have traditionally been very good at Elections, so the Front Office started this Short Circuit by enacting a Faustian Pact to have more Elections than we knew what to do with. However, the Front Office failed to read this diabolical document closely enough, missing the footnote where it said anything the Pies elect either wouldn’t matter or wouldn’t actually ever be received by the team.

The mood in the Pies locker room was high despite all this; the team partied hard in the Mid-Season Fiesta, culminating in Nadia Outlaw proclaiming, “I’m never leaving Philly!” and chaining themselves to the radiator. This served to deny the Microphone’s later Feedback attempt, leaving the Wild Wings’ Slow McDonald standing outside the clubhouse.

Kristi Finnegan and Wolf Buss carried the team’s rotation post-parties, and things seemed to be up for the Pies in the second half of the season, until Seyyid Goodhart ate a Peanut and went from one of the worst pitchers in the ILB to the absolute worst in franchise history across all dimensions, proving that you don’t need to be Superallegic to ruin your pitching career.

Although Kid Darling had been sent to party early in hopes the additional training would prime them for Charging the Microphone at season’s end, by the time it was clear the Pies’ playoff hopes were dashed, it became equally clear that Kid’s performance was a disappointment, failing to meet any expectations whatsoever. Seeing this underwhelming lateseason play, the Pies elected to send grizzled power hitter, Ariana Beard in their place.

The Pies have been thoroughly undercooked in the last few circuits; they can only hope the long siesta will give them enough time in the oven to emerge crisp, hot, fresh, and ready by the time Blaseball returns.

-Ads (wilcxck#8979 on Discord)

Seattle Garages

At the start of this Circuit, the Garages were bad. The team was cursed with the highest Patheticism in the League by a mile, such that even making contact with the ball was a miracle. No player exemplified this like Dimi Wobbler, who generated as the worst of the worst, a dismal 0.6 stars. Seeing the writing on the wall, the Garages sighed, laughed (because you have to laugh) and awaited the Party Time they knew was coming.

Then, on Day 3, Dimi Wobbler hit a solo home run to shame the Breath Mints, who would go on to win the Championship. It was their first hit.

Dimi “Warbler” Wobbler, a tiny bird with incredible vibes and very little skill, was on a quest to prove that a positive attitude can overcome any statistical shortcomings. On Day 42, the Garages experienced a full-team Reverb. Instead of the worst batting in the League, they now had the worst pitching. Dimi moved four spots higher in the Lineup. They continued to be bad at Blaseball.

As the Garages’ Guest of Honor, Dimi partied three times and got better. Then Dimi partied again during a game. Suddenly, the silly little bird with excellent vibes had three batting stars. Dimi’s name started to pop up in scoring events more… and more… and more. Despite spending the first half of the season struggling to get on base, they ended with the second-most hits and stolen bases.

All season, the other Garages suffered under the Weather. Reverb decimated the rotation. Their best batter got incinerated; two more Feedbacked away. An already-terrible pitcher had an allergic reaction right after their final game. Dimi just hit the ball some more.

That’s the power of a positive attitude.

– crab

Tokyo Lift

The pitchers were idols, the hitters were yuru-chara mascots and the fans were feeling an unfamiliar tingle of… hope?

Tokyo rolled a strong team. Almost from the start the Lift were chasing a Playoff spot. They couldn’t keep pace with the Ballad-leading Wild Wings, that was clear early on, but the batting of Pop Tomorrah and some creditable pitching meant a winning record at Midseason and third place in Downtempo. Precisely none of this was thanks to Herb Swamp.

Idol performer Art Dembélé was a strikeout machine with Ruthlessness the way a sea has wet. Baffled cruise-ship tourist Seth Bitters was a sexagenarian workhorse with decent ERA but never the wins to show for it. Even Omar “Give Us” Nothing had fans. Herb Swamp, meanwhile, was a firebombed storefront of a player with one-third of a pitching star, Forbidden Knowledge that was painful to read, and not even a tragic backstory to lean on.

But the Tokyo Lift are all about gains. Rather than build an already solid performer into a titan the fans hailed Swamp as their Guest of Honour. Three parties revealed a promising hitter, if still a pitcher for whom mediocrity was but a distant dream.

A Yummy reaction late in the season changed that. Post-Peanut Herb was a monster in every department, bar their day job, and perfectly serviceable there. It wasn’t enough to save the campaign, the Lift having lost all momentum after back-to-back sweeps by the Shoe Thieves and Wings, but joyful fans now coalesced around Swamp as the little kappa that could. And, in some universe, she still might.

Wait, is that hope again?

-elmonstro (elmonstro#6813)

And a final note – BNN relies on reports from readers like you to fill out articles! If you’d like to contribute something in the future, head on over to our discord!

The post The Last Dance: Short Circuit 3 Downtempo Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Boston Flowers

Having finally rolled a very good team the Boston Flowers were spoiled for choice for our Charge. Our best pitcher, Rosemary Penguin took an early lead due to holding the incredible feat of being undefeated all the way to the Midsea-

FEEDBACK DETECTED

PEYTON DRYSDALE AND SQUID BROOM WERE SWITCHED IN THE FEEDBACK.

A new challenger arrived from the Yellowstone Magic. Squid Broom was a beloved player by fans since their hatching due to their name. Squid Broom’s personality is as straightforward as you can get. Please imagine a squid. Please imagine a broom. There you go, that’s Squid Broom.

FEEDBACK DETECTED

SQUID BROOM AND LUCIUS PRINCE WERE SWITCHED IN THE FEEDBACK.

Oh. They got Feedbacked again and are on the Fridays now… except that’s not true. Owing to a “Feature,” certain weather-induced player moves un-happened. Squid Broom was still on the Boston Flowers roster and available for Charging even though their player page listed them on the Hawai’i Fridays. 

The Flowers chose to lean into the opportunity to commit a data crime and charged Squid Broom, or more accurately the Fridays charged Squid Broom in addition to their chosen charge Moth Frosting. 

The Flowers now only have two static players, and the Fridays have four and no one has any idea what that’ll mean for the future. Data Crimes!

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

For the third Circuit in a row, the Jazz Hands had terrible pitching and not-good-enough batting. In the first week, we quickly fell to the bottom of the standings, barely above our long term rivals, the (contemptible) Moist Talkers. We spent the week excited for the Fiesta, and voted leadoff hitter Zee Phantom our party host.

In the Fiesta, we partied a lot Game 1, lost Game 2, and broke Blaseball in Game 3. Squid Psst cemented their status as a Jazz Hands legend by pitching two games simultaneously, getting Night Shifted in one, and Frozen in the other. We split Game 3 with the Pies to end our 3 game series tied 2-2, and somehow “advanced” the next round, only to see it cancelled due to noise complaints.

Like many teams, we choose to host a Sunday Mixer, which accidentally morphed into a Formal. The Divinity boost supercharged our Lineup of inconsistent Home Run hitters, propelling us to a slightly less terrible performance in Week 2. We somehow managed to win two Bloods in the midweek Blood Jam session, gaining Fire blood for “ace” pitcher Lily Cole, and Electric blood for Squid’s Night Shift replacement Troy Bowman. Unfortunately, we never got a shot at the Title Belt, and failed to qualify for the Postseason.

Zee Phantom had been an early Charge favourite, but Lily Cole rapidly overtook them in Week 2. Lily gained many fans by taking Game 1 of the Fiesta to extra innings so they could party before throwing the game winning strike out— a Shakespearean performance which reminded us of our beloved Lowe Forbes. Lily’s solid performance in week two and acquisition of Fire blood made them the clear choice to Charge, a decision I’m sure none of us will come to regret.

–deafhobbit

Core Mechanics 

After being presented our team roster for the Circuit, the Mechanics were in a partying mood— after all, being an average team in the strongest division in the League was just the thing to have to make it far in the Midseason Fiesta, or even win it for the promised prize! To top it off, we’d have a lot of chances for partying to make a good run at the second half of the season, so everything was looking great for a successful season. 

Other than missing a chance at getting another Bees Manhattan (the Mechs previously charged a player of the same name last Short Circuit), the first week of regular season play went about as expected, we declared our favourite bad pitcher Zebrina Vincent our Guest of Honour, even got a First Round Bye to start the Fiesta…

What do you mean, the Fiesta got cancelled after the first round? That was not the plan.

Silver lining: the Title Belt still was a fun feature for the Mechs, being holders of one of the two contested belts for way longer than we should’ve been, finally losing it to the San Francisco Lovers after an eventful and confusing 40-day reign. 

The rest of the season was marked by a flurry of Peanuts, with two Allergic and two Yummy reactions happening on our roster. Both yummy reactions happened on Pedro Vixen, an already strong pitcher who ended up almost Expansion Era shaped because of it. After much deliberation, Pedro Vixen was also selected as the team’s Charge target, as they always respected excellence in pitching. Just need to fix our lineup in the next Era, hopefully.

– Nitro (N1tr00#8811 on Discord)

Kansas City Breath Mints

Ball 1-0. Ball 2-0. Ball 3-0. Boat Hamless draws a walk.

In Kansas City, Boat Hamless’ plate appearances were so regular you could set your watch by them. The method by which they achieved this differed depending on who you asked— some argue that a boat has no identifiable strike zone, others that Hamless had some sort of psychic barrier that repelled strikes, and one opposing pitcher claimed “They just, like, stand there. Menacingly.” Whatever the cause, fans agreed that Boat’s incredible walk rate, OBP and league leading OPS (ignoring, as another reporter put it, undead invaders from another universe) merited a Charge into the Microphone, optimistic they’ll return to lead the League in walks again.

But Boat alone didn’t win the Breath Mints our second ring! Tube Rust was second in the League for Wins, Yuri O’Lantern had a phenomenal postseason BA of 0.407 and Liv Blather and Levar Downey used their Monitor-approved Blood to improve their performances. Most daringly of all, Layla Chambers pulled off the rarely seen but highly effective “catch fire in the postseason, get replaced with a better pitcher who pitches a save” manoeuvre. A brief timeline of events, with time given relative to the Material plane:

11:08pm UTC: Layla lets in three runs from the Worms

11:09pm UTC: Three fans comment “i don’t care if we win as long as layla dies”, “layla go in the fire ,” “has anyone actually been incined this season?”

11:10pm UTC: Rogue Umpire incinerated Layla Chambers! 

Kale Torch then led the team to victory, sporting no losses in their incredibly short career. Wherever they are, I hope they’re enjoying a nice retirement party with the Monitor. And I hope the Mints claim another ring in the Next Era!

• Finn

Miami Dale

Season Cinema was one of the better batters on the Dale, holding the team record for homers, sacrifice plays, and-

Wait, this article was supposed to be about our season? Not our Season?

Well, the Miami Dale had something that could certainly be called a season. The Lineup looked promising with bright stars in the form of Season Cinema, William Heat, Lamar Diomira, and Grace Ray. We also had some incredibly good names in the form of Snake Johns, Stone Pretzel, Season Cinema, and William Heat!

Our rotation? Not so much. Norris Manhattan was our only real superstar, but Emma Bark was ruthless despite her 0.4 stars. Which was bad, because we wanted to be good. Or was it good because we wanted to be bad?

Our goals were conflicting, which proved to be our downfall. We scraped past the Midseason Fiesta, couldn’t clutch it in time for the Playoffs, and choked when we got in through Title Belt power.

Now, a keen-eyed reader will notice that the player we Staticked, Adeline Revelry, is not a ‘star.’ They were more of an underwhelming pitcher who was Frozen more often than not.

But the one key trait that put them above all the other contenders (besides their impeccable name) was Blood Jams Vol. I. The wimd blew in our favor and we snatched Electric blood from the Garages in a repeat of history. And it couldn’t have gone to a more appropriately named player.

Despite all the Features, all the losses, and all the Title Belt shenanigans, this is certain to be a circuit the Dale will remember. At least, the ones who were watching will.

CLEAR FLESH CAN’T LOSE MAX VELOCITY DALE!

-Mango (guzmania#4173 on Discord)

New York Millennials

The Gamme 4 Millennials have been a fun bunch to watch; living completely normal lives until a Microphone emerged in the sky and forcing them to play Blaseball, each of them offered something interesting. Irene Fashion, Coyote Stone, Max Quigley, and Calvin Nether had a strong core in our Lineup. Violeta Cantu led the Mills in Triples, Cy Knives and Harold Castillo held their own, and even Cynthia Chalk and Markus Torch would impress with the occasional stolen base and home run.

The pitching staff was mostly solid, with Mordecai Damage sporting a respectable 2.41 ERA. Asher Juice, Dazzy Deng, and Loner Shelley pitched well, and Daniel Darko… was our Guest of Honor!

Loner Shelley would stand out the most for us, however. A deadpan cosmologist getting the first yummy reaction to a peanut since the Discipline Era, even the Shelled .1 deemed them its progeny. A combination of intense fan interest, solid stats all around, and highly sought after Relevancy (a rare feat among Mills), Loner Shelley was our Charge. While we didn’t perform poorly, we managed to stand out, play about average, and have some memorable moments. Whether it was defeating the Crabs in two simultaneous games, almost facing ourselves in the Fiesta, or Irene receiving a Jersey of Invitation to feature cameos of Deceased players from across universes, I’m proud of these players.

–Clip Clipperson

Yellowstone Magic

The final Short Circuit had us more divided than any other Circuit before it— but that wasn’t a bad thing.

 While it looked like we were going to have a singular star player in Squid Broom, them becoming a Flower meant that we had a better chance to see our team as a whole. While we did have players who performed consistently well, there was no longer a singular player on which all of our attention was focused. 

Peyton Drysdale and Isaac Puffins were both fearsome baserunners. Henri Kraal and Kay Pleck could hit the ball good. Slosh Chalk had a funny name and played well. Not only was our team statistically well-rounded but it felt like everyone was being equally appreciated by us adoring fans. Everyone had their favourite. And in the end, 56% of our adoration was poured into Errol Wool, our final Charge. 

Not only was Wool the only of Magic’s Charges to be in the Lineup rather than rotation, but there was also no one reason as to why they got our last burst of support. 

Though Errol was our Guest of Honor, their buffs from partying ended up being undone by the Ruthless onslaught of Snow, leaving them statistically worse than they started. Instead, we were charmed by the irresistible adoration of a player who was popularly perceived as a sheep. Punny cheers were too good to let go. The image of Charging that thick fluffy fleece with electricity evoked images that we couldn’t pass up. For some, it was simply that “Errol Wool” felt really good to say. Our varied reasoning behind charging Wool is a great reflection of how we experienced these last two weeks as a whole. 

This Circuit, it wasn’t all about the numbers. It was also about the love.

Mal (malgic#8522 on Discord)

And a final note – BNN relies on reports from readers like you to fill out articles! If you’d like to contribute something in the future, head on over to our discord!

The post The Last Dance: Short Circuit 3 Uptempo Recap appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Do you hear that, Blaseball fans? It’s the dulcet tunes of blaseballs hitting bats and other blaseball-thwacking-implements! All across the Immaterial Plane, stadiums are filling up with players, umpires, and fans, eager to see how this Short Circuit will go down. Who will take the Championship? Who will have the best Parties? What is a Short Circuit? Where are we? We here at BNN cannot guarantee answers to all these questions, but what we can guarantee is some spicy hot takes and hard-hitting journalism from our intrepid replorters. So let’s get to it before that pesky little Peanut comes back….

Uptempo Bop

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Squid Psst the Frozen? I thought not. It’s not a story the Monitor would tell you. It’s a Jazz Hand Legend. Squid Psst was a Pitcher of the Gamma Circuit, so uncoordinated and so weak she could use the snow to influence the microphone to create timelines… she had such a knowledge of the snow that she could even keep the ones she cared about from winning games. The Frozen side of pitching is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. She became so weak… the only thing she was afraid of was partying, which eventually, of course, she didn’t. Unfortunately, she taught her apprentice everything she knew, then her apprentice night-shifted her in her sleep. Ironic. She could save others from partying, but not herself from shadow boosts.
– Malst

Kansas City Breath Mints

The Breath Mints. finished the first half of this season in good form! Top of the Bops, we look set for a postseason run, though only time will tell how deep said run will be. Our record would place us second or third in any other division, but as the Tokyo Lift know, sometimes you just need to get your foot in the door to make it to the finals. Our performance at the moment consists largely of Tube Rust wins – Tube, a fan favourite and early charge contender, went unbeaten for the majority of the week, only losing that record on Thursday (historically a bad day for Kansas City). Alone, their games account for over 30% of our wins! Hopefully this will continue next week, bolstered by our buffed leadoff Shay Yoshida and boosted offense, after the Mixer mix-up. The threats to Kansas are as usual teams with better offenses – in particular, our eyes are on Mexico City, Boston, Atlantis, and the suddenly very threatening New York. This circuit has been a good one for Kansas City though – don’t count us out just yet!
– Finn (@finnblaseball)

New York Millennials

While the Fiesta may have been cancelled from noise complaints, the New York Millennials Partied as much as they could while the getting was good. The Mills were floundering in the first half of the Season, with only a few batters above average. A historically strong pitching staff (aside from Daniel Darko) kept the Mills afloat enough to get into the Midseason Fiesta with over 70 Games still to go. Daniel Darko became the Guest of Honor, Partying three times as a result and showing significant improvement, and will hopefully have a better second half of the Season. Irene Fashion, Violeta Cantu, Calvin Nether, Mordecai Damage, Coyote Stone, Max Quigley, Cynthia Chalk, Harold Castillo, Cy Knives all Partied hard on the first day of the Fiesta. Irene Fashion, now sporting a Jersey of Invitation, has been Inhabited by Players all across the Blaseball multiverse, notably Conrad Vaughan of the Beta Universe Millennials, Uncle Plasma IX of the Beta Universe Breath Mints (and hitting a home run in the process, thanks PiX), Grimbo Owlbears of the Pre-History Phoenix Trunks, and Amelia Reroll of the Gamma 2 Boston Flowers. While Irene has been performing admirably, we’re spinning the wheel on the quality of ghosts that might be visiting them. [CROWD NOISE] Loner Shelley, the first Yummy reaction since the Discipline Era, managed to beat the Crabs Loner Shelley, the first Yummy reaction since the Discipline Era, managed to beat the Crabs [CROWD NOISE] The Mills, after almost literally facing themselves in the Fiesta before the Monitor ended it, attended a Mixer, which happened to be more Formal than expected, and hopefully our homer output sees some improvement. What are the Millennials’ chances in the upcoming Season? 12 Wins behind the Breath Mints in Uptempo Bop is a steep hill to climb, but [CROWD NOISE] The 51% favored Mills will win! The 49% underdogs Mills will lose! The Mills will Mills.
– Clip Clipperson (@clip_ny)

Canada Moist Talkers

The Moist Talkers are your Midseason Fiesta champions! Following a noise complaint, the Monitor arrived to crown the Talkers and give them a “shiny”. What’s a shiny? Who knows! The team finds itself in an interesting situation. Both the lineup and the rotation saw personnel changes, with Goodie Phlegm being feedback swapped to the Yellowstone Magic in exchange for Gwyn Orange, and a Night Shift sending Roland Magehands to the Shadows for Eloise Butterworth. Butterworth is poised to be an offensive powerhouse, while Orange has yet to be tested. Partying hard in the Fiesta, seven members of the team were shored up with some extra power, while the entire team got to catch up with one another at an awkward mixer. Formal? Whatever it is, Lucky Runway is the Life of it. As a result? It’s hard to say how the team will finish out the season. With an abysmal 25-59 record coming into Week 2, making the postseason would take a herculean effort from these Talkers. With star pitcher Doug Palladium bowing out early and small improvements otherwise, it might not be enough to carry their powerhouse offense over the finish line. Oh well. The Monitor said our name. That’s the best victory we could ask for.
– Quinn (Ilaian#1001)

Downtempo Dirge

Hellmouth Sunbeams

Oh, uh, hey. Guess I’m guest writing here. Uh. Opinions my own, not my employers? The Sunbeams just barely slid into the midseason fiesta and the party benefits are really showing. Julian Greene is a superstar hitter and the lineup in general has picked up, becoming a well-rounded roster with no clear weak point beyond its overwhelming averageness. But the real story here is the pitching staff: the first time in history the Sunbeams can ever have been said to have relatively average- maybe even good!- pitching. The Spider twins Royce and Micah are ready to put in work, Silvaire’s learned how to actually throw, Amanda Rowdy is still decent and Elisa Park must throw the ball. For a team that wasn’t far out of playoff contention to begin with, there’s plenty of games left to make up that three-game gap between them and the Shoe Thieves, though whether they can compete with superstar teams like the Wild Wings and Georgias remains to be seen. The only thing that can stop them now would be some really disastrous weather, which, let’s be honest, nothing bad ever happens to the Sunbeams.
-Sins (@AMinmaximus)

The Sunbeams, once again, are hideously bereft of weather in the Short Circuits. Despite rumours that the dial has been turned up 200-400%, the gluttons in the rest of the league have been feasting upon these benefits without leaving a crumb for the rest of us, our rosters entirely intact. Where is the humanity? Where is the joy? Where is the fulfilment for our constant chants for violence? Human nature is change, change is the seed of creativity, of joy, of growing as individuals and as a team. Without change, how can we say we live? And the Sunbeams are bogged down, stagnant, grasping pitifully at only snow, left merely dreaming of bigger things like incineration, feedback, night shift, and the ever-elusive yummy reaction. We have a simple plea. Please, make us regret our cries. Make us regret ever thinking of the concept of weather. Destroy our team, piece by piece, and through that bring us life. Also, we partied a bunch and got some boosts so we’re better now. 5778!
– Dasy

Seattle Garages

The vibes have been high, but performance-wise, this week’s been a bust for the Garages. After opening up the season with some of the worst batting prospects in the league, Seattle fans were begging for something, anything, to change for the team. That change came in the form of a mid-week full-team reverb, the fifth ever in Blaseball history. But reviewing the prospects, the grand shuffle seemed to have just exchanged one bad hand for another. The lineup was marginally improved, mostly because it couldn’t get worse. But the new rotation has proven unable to throw a strikeout; even the team’s best pitcher barely manages five per game. 

Still, the Midseason helped compensate for Seattle’s raw deal. Dimi Wobbler (good vibes, bad batting) became the Guest of Honor, and eight parties in the first Fiesta game tipped some Garages back into the realm of relevance. A two-game sweep of the Tacos left fans cautiously optimistic. But then…

Faced with a house that always won, Seattle tried to play solitaire. Twice the play, twice the parties. Unfortunately, going all in didn’t pay out, and the Party Crash led to the Fiesta being called off with no further stat boosts to show for it. After the noise complaint, Seattle opted for a Cookout in the Party Planning election, infusing the team with better vibes than ever. 

As the team enters the second week of games, every win will count, else they’ll be nothing more than Wild Card wannabes. The playoffs approach, and Seattle’s in the hole. There’s no time to hedge their bets. The Garages might have doubled up, but now it’s time to double down.
– crab (@KGARBlaseball)

Chicago Firefighters

As a surprise to approximately no one, the key word for this circuit’s Chicago Firefighters continues to be temperance, temperance, temperance, and that trend only looks to continue as we head into the second half of the season. In true Firefighters fashion, after a midweek slump the team decided to go on a winning streak just powerful enough to narrowly pull themselves out of this weekend’s Fiesta/Siesta, which may cause trouble in the long run. On the other hand, weather has been no stranger to the team this season, with a shockingly good mutual feedback with the Crabs, an unshockingly bad allergic reaction, and a pitcher night shift for the third circuit in a row (giving us Owen Turbo, who has the second lowest ERA in the league as of writing this). With only two more weather events needed to catch them all, can the Firefighters do it? Only time will tell. BNN readers, I need to level with you. Our pitching? Bad, aside from the aforementioned Owen Turbo. Our batting? Sometimes there. Our baserunning? Extremely funny. And our defense? You know our defense is real. That is all to say, I don’t know how the Firefighters are going to do this week. What I do know? They’re going to keep us on our toes.
– Stara (@ChiBlaseball)

Uptempo Jam

Boston Flowers

The Boston Flowers have always been a championship contender, and have only grown stronger since the season began. Fate sent both an Incineration and a Feedback at them, but Easton Baguette and Squid Broom were improvements to their roster, catapulting them into 1st place in the League. Then the Flowers made Blake Chew their Life of the Party to improve their pitching rotation which already boasted two star pitchers, Jose Marzen, and the currently undefeated Rosemary Penguin. With arguably the best Roster, and definitively the best player name this Circuit, the Flowers are certainly a favourite to win the Championship, and it seems like nothing can slow them down. The question we have to ask isn’t “Can the Boston Flowers win?” but “Can the Boston Flowers be stopped?” Either way I expect the answer is “We’re the Flowers.”
– Kidror (@Kidror19)

Yellowstone Magic

The Yellowstone Magic’s dedication to maintain balance in the universe is shining through once again. In true uppy downy fashion, we’ve managed to end up snugly in the middle of being a playoff powerhouse and being allowed into what some are now dubbing the “Double Feature Party Crash”. Our plans to party hard were foiled by the enthusiasm of our strongest players. Peyton Drysdale, who we acquired from the Boston Flowers early on at the low cost of Squid Broom, turned out to love stealing bases. Assisting this master thief were their hard-hitting accomplices: Kay Pleck, our most reliable homerunner, and Isaac Puffins, who benefitted from having the second Yummy reaction since the Discipline Era. We soon discovered that our lineup had no interest in attending a noisy crowded gathering, preferring to stay comfortably at home watching some birds. Isaac Puffins in particular did not wish to partake in any festivities, deciding to clock out and let Slosh Chalk take the Night Shift. After throwing Errol Wool their own personal birthday bash whether they wanted it or not— gaining them a whole 4.2 stars in the process— we further strengthened our lineup by hosting a Rager in the park. With some of our players now maxed out in Friction and Continuation while others savored the much-needed boost to Musclitude, we’ve now hopefully covered our bases when it comes to buffing our lineup. Those who want to steal bases will continue to be good at stealing them, and those who aren’t will be more likely to score big when they do hit the ball. We aren’t going to party quickly, but we’re also going to have to be on our best performance if we want to be The Team To Beat. What will it be, Magic. Are we going up? Are we going down? Or are we going to stay jamming to our own uppy-downy tempo, blissfully warding ourselves from silly things like Noise Complaints and A Shiny? As always, only time will tell.
– Mal (malgic#8522)

Downtempo Ballad

Tokyo Lift

Before Fiesta the Lift looked like powerful contenders in the Ballad division, up where we belong if barely in sight of the Wings’ runaway train. Things look more precarious after a wind of change swept through the trailing Crabs and Pies, but objects in the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they are. Time after time the Lift’s weak point has been their rotation. Underrated Art Dembélé and Seth Bitters have put in the effort (remember those twenty-two-and-a-half innings of stalemate in the Los Angeli?) but the remaining pitchers seem out of their depth. Life of the Party Herb Swamp might insist that we don’t need another hero when he’s right here waiting, but if I could turn back time the team would be planning a mixer rather than a rager. The Lift can still triumph against all odds – it would take one fortuitous night shift, or Swamp reverbing with pretty much any hitter – but the die-hard fans who believe that nothing’s gonna stop us now, that we are the champions-in-waiting, are surely headed for a heartbreak.
– elmonstro (elmonstro#6813)

Mexico City Wild Wings

Oh, hi, sorry, we’re a bit disoriented around here. Y’see, we were planning on having a light get-together, but there was a mistake with the invites, and now everyone’s in tuxedos and ball gowns, and I’m meant to be reporting on the party but I’m reeeeeeeeeally underdressed for it, so I’m just kinda hiding in the bathroom. So, the Wild Wings. That’s also been a little disorienting, to be honest, because in all my years covering this team, they’ve never been what one would conventionally describe as good. But these Wings… two of the top five batters in the league by OPS are Wings (Lillian McKinley and Soledad Drama) and Soledad leads the league in hits and home runs, and is second in total runs only to Lillian. As a team, the Wings lead the league in runs, home runs, runs batted in, slugging percentage, OPS, and total bases. It is no exaggeration to say that this is the most talented group of batters I’ve ever covered, and that was before Nova Bye was chosen to lead the party. Pitching wise, this rotation is less exceptional. Elijah Bader is a rising star, and Patricia Rhodes and Badger León are reliable presences alongside them, but Mitch Pink survives only by the good graces of the offence, and Tobias Diallo… well, Toby never met a team he couldn’t hand 15 runs to. Toby definitely stands out as the weak link in this pitching rotation. Um, ok, someone’s knocking on the stall door, I’m gonna have to stop typing until they go away, and if it’s Slow McDonald (which is not even their nickname), I’m gonna be here a while. Wings good, and I’m scared.
– Spludge

The post Short Circuit Interlude – Circuit appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Welcome to what we hope will become a regular series of articles, reporting on the charged players in each circuit. We’re starting out with Frozen Sky since we had several BNN reporters who focus on these teams— with luck, we will be able to produce more articles like this in the future!

Boston Flowers

The hero…. the record setter… the legend… Lyra Vitamin! They were the Boston Flowers first Charge and the powerhouse leading the League in several categories while setting records in Boston.

Jose Gravy, the Boston Flowers Charge in Short Circuit 3, was not quite that. Short Circuit 3 had blessed the Boston Flowers with a team who excelled in one thing and one thing only, entering Party Time. Despite that, Gravy was certainly our best player.

By the time the Mid-Season Election rolled around Jose Gravy had taken the lead in several batting categories, and they didn’t slow down afterwards. 

Jose Gravy won the Snow Mittens, heavily improving their defence, and the Teams as a whole.  The Feet Warmers Amplification didn’t go to waste either, Gravy was spotted walking onto first, and then stealing their way back home.

Their opposition in discussions about who to Charge was Lila Icicle, who you may have heard of before for being incredibly bad. Icicle was the last batter in the Circuit to hit the ball, and was either the worst overall or next to it in pretty much every imaginable metric of batting skill.

Having terrible batters isn’t news to the Flowers, Icicle had the third worst OPS+ in Blaseball history*, behind two fellow Flowers Moses Mason and Salih Ultrabass.

Icicles’ habit of getting Frozen, however, was extremely funny in relation to their name.

Once more the Boston Flowers felt themselves torn between a loveable skilled player, and a loveable terrible player. The Team loved both players, but internal Team polling on the discord made it clear, Jose Gravy was set to go on a journey to the great static in the sky. 

In the end the Team successfully Discharged Gravy with a respectable 64% of their Charge votes.

With one good player and one legendary player now Charged, it’s looking like the Boston Flowers are hoping they will one day see these players return to play with the Boston Flowers again. Let’s Grow!

* – Over a 90+ Game period 

–Kidror

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

The Jazz have taken a very relaxed approach to the Short Circuits voting. We don’t know what charging does, so we have been “Free Jazzing” every Election. Though only one player can win, so two players became the front runners. 

Hester Scythe has something the prime universe Jazz team has needed forever, pitching stars. Had Hester been a pitcher they would have been the best pitcher in this universe (until Giannis got the Fist).

Prometheus Bug is a fan favorite. They have a top tier name, had fun upshelling campaign, great baserunning and fan loyalty, and are just a solid batter. 

Hester Scythe managed to eke out the charge vote win. Based on Jazz Hands tracked votes it was a close to 50/50 race. If charging does eventually involve the prime universe the Jazz hope that the team’s pitching will get a needed boost, but also hope that Hester never picks up a bat again.  

-Malst (Malst#9560 on Discord)

Canada Moist Talkers

This circuit, the Talkers voted to Charge Saturday Elder. After coming first in the league in the main season, the Talkers went on to win the championship, and Saturday’s performance is in no small part responsible for this victory! Their main season performance was good (0.283 BA, and 0.887 OPS), but with a postseason BA of 0.423 and OPS of 1.271, they were the star of the postseason.

SIBRmetrics aside, though, there is a wonderful story involving Saturday that led to their popularity among fans. On Day Seven, the Moist Talkers faced off against the Hawai’i Fridays. After nine Innings, the Talkers were down 5-2. The Fridays’ pitcher Byran Bono wasn’t particularly strong– Bono would go on to sport an ERA of 5.30 for the season– but they were having a good outing. Tilda Dasher and Nico Haycox went up to bat and hit a ground out and flyout respectively. Three runs down, and with two Outs in the final inning, even to devout fans the game seemed lost.

But then the incredible happened– Valkyrie Domski, second worst batter on the team by OPS, hit a double on the first pitch! Three walks from Bing Assiri, Jasper Coven and Carin Burns followed; the score was now 5-3 with Valkyrie safely at home again. Kinsley Reed hit a double to tie up the score, and now not only a victory but Shame was within reach!

Saturday Elder up to bat. Two balls, and then– a single! Saturday Shamed the Fridays! They went on to steal a base and get batted in by Sasha Baths, before Tilda Dasher hit a ground out to end the game. This inning had seen the Talkers come from behind to score five runs and Shame the Fridays, and every one of their batters saw play. What a performance!

Saturday became a fan favourite after this, with the fans proudly chanting “Saturdays are made for Dads!” to spur on this superb batter. As one fan put it, they were charged for their high spits and hits, and I hope we get to see similar stories and performances from Saturday in the future!

–Finn

Hades Tigers

After the amazing discharge of Rat Love (have you heard of Rat Love?), The Tigers cuddled up in a snowy cloud of frozen sloth and took a nap. Lovely dreams of rats dancing through empty heads. And thus the stage is set for a well deserved slumber party.

Initial review of the new roster told fans one thing: these Tigers suck. This alone was enough for a somber celebration. But more, we are now lighter than air as Hades freezes over. In typical Tiger nature, our new roster had a mighty thirst for base and an inability to throw a ball. Amusingly, that thirst was not matched with any capacity to actually steal. Meaning ridiculous plays as dizzy Tigers fell over each other trying to round the diamond.

So, with a yawn. One solitary fan picked pitcher Ethan Rivet. Alone making up 39% of the total vote. When asked for comment, this stripe stated: ”I liked the name and didn’t want to not spend my votes.”

So congratulations to Ethan Rivet. Among the Tiger’s pitchers, second best. In the context of this circuit— not objectively awful.

Many Stripes, One Sleepy Tiger.

-Khalvin8 (Khalvin8#1127 on Discord)

Kansas City Breath Mints

In the Mid-Season Election, the Breath Mints won the Snow Shovel. Saoirse Singh’s Snow Shovel (try saying that three times fast) was a core component of the Breath Mints’ offense, with a much-improved BA and OPS post-election (and starting from a solid base). Their offensive SIBRmetrics with the shovel, as calculated by one fan, were .312 BA / .387 OBP / .688 SLG / 1.075 OPS (179 OPS+). The OPS+ metric evaluates batting performance against the league average, and roughly translates to Singh producing 79% more runs than the average player– a wonderful performance!

They were, however, not the only batter considered for a Charge. When Breath Mints fans convened for our Parliamint, we were unable to choose between Saoirse Singh and Maisy Geiger. Geiger’s performance over the same period was comparable, and in fact sported an OPS+ of 216! Some fans, hopeful that a Charged player could return to us in some form, argued that if Maisy could perform like this without their own Snow Shovel, they could be even better further down the line! Others argued that Maisy’s performance might be in part due to their ability to draw walks, and hence their performance might struggle against more Ruthless pitchers, such as those seen in the late Expansion Era.

Ultimately, fans loved both players, with chants for including “Hot Singhles!,” “SINGHER TIME!,” “Geiger makes it count!,” “RADIOACTIVE!,” and “We can count on Maisy!” Choosing between these two players proved impossible, with tied votes after two rounds. We resolved therefore to leave the choice up to the wimds of fate, all agreed that no matter who won, we’d have charged a great batter that we were proud of. And this is exactly what happened– here’s hoping Singh returns to lead a Breath Mints offense in the future!

–Finn

New York Millennials

Clip Clipperson, reporting Live from Upstate New York, in the area where the Gamma 3 Millennials had been playing for the last two weeks over the recent Season. 

Rumors suggested that Eli Nocturne, Team Captain, local Coffee Barge owner, and recipient of the Fourth Strike Distortion in the Midseason Election, had kidnapped the rest of the Team to play Blaseball for mysterious ends. I attempted to get an interview with Nocturne, however there was a Scream Crumpet wailing in the snack case. What I could piece together from Eli included, “Welcome to the Coffee Barge, can I interest you in an Xpresso?” and “I’ve had a change of heart and do believe that perhaps kidnapping Blaseball Players to be was bad, actually.”

Manuela “Manny” Rowdy, reported to be a “hockey” player, whatever that is, from the New York you may be reading this from right now. Manny Rowdy (4.00 ERA, 13-8 W/L, 209 SO) performed admirably, among the better pitchers in the League, despite showing so much promise as a batter and fielder. When questioned, Rowdy said, “Well, you know, pitching seemed like a strong challenge, and my captor, er, Captain, Eli Nocturne, said they were short a pitcher.” 

As the Postseason Election drew to a close, Manny Rowdy skated their way into the Charging station, believing it was a way to get back home. Magnus Plague, an Ohio Doctor and newly Feedbacked Millennial, gave a shrug when questioned about the Microphone’s Charges.

Local Millennials Fans had some comments about the last Circuit:

“Look, sometimes you lore a haunted coffee barge prison and you lore it so well one of your players immediately escapes via Feedback.” -rudy
“They not only escaped, but left a helpfully mean Plague in their place!” -eberron
“Eli Nocturne sure does know how to pick who they kidnap huh” -Woosh
“I can’t believe Mills good again and it’s in a universe where it doesn’t even matter” –erobo
“What else can I say? Mills mills.” -local hydropastry fan

What will the next Circuit have for our New York Millennials? New Year’s Blowouts are what we’ve known for, and whoever is Hosting it should look forward to seeing the Millennials in the Playoffs again, or at the very least, a 010 Midseason Enhanced Party Time Invitation in their future!

–Clip Clipperson

And just a final note – we have only been able to make an article like this for Frozen Sky so far. If you’re a fan of a team and want to write a report like these, to show off your charged player and why they were chosen, please get in touch! We’d love to produce more articles like this in the future, with input from fans of each team.

The post Icy Lightning: Frozen Sky SC2 Charges appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Short Circuits are back— with new weather! Snow has been throwing an icy cold wrench into this season by freezing players, leaving them unable to play temporarily but giving them a small stat boost, and I mean really small. The season is extended over two weeks this Short Circuit, which means this edition of the Power Rankings is technically a midseason Power Ranking. Surely this means we will have very little hubris this time. Probably.

Other than these changes, there is little of note. New weather, new schedule…. I think that’s everything, right?

Sorry, what? Who is back? The—? Oh, worm?

Anyways… let’s get to the Power Rankings!

24: Boston Flowers

The snow falls and, like most perennials, the Flowers are hibernating. It’s been a cozy season here in Boston. So cozy, in fact, the players are not really interested in playing Blaseball.

Sitting at the bottom of the League for the entire season, Flowers have been on ice. Newly elected Footwarmers have amplified Boston’s Baserunning, but this is only going to let the players run faster back to the warm dugout between innings to escape the cold and their mediocrity.

The Flowers have legitimate talent in their Lineup but are dragged down by their sleepy and unimpressive Rotation. Hitters Bob Bluff and the Catcher Mittens-equipped Jose Gravy are sure to put on a good show for the crowds at The Garden, but they are not going to be the difference maker in the standings.

In Boston, the roots are down, the feet are warm, and Party Time is already being planned. We’re the Flowers and we’re cozy.

–Joey T Badger

“basically anything bad you say about other teams, you can end the sentence ‘but at least we’re not the flowers”

-Cat Stlats

23: Hades Tigers

haha. ouch. oh. wow. defense, eh? just cant get enough of it. but all the defense in the world cant hold off the crushing weight of a 19-43 record.

still better than the flowers though”

-Dargo

22: Atlantis Georgias

The Georgias have always reached for dazzling heights.

Some great act that will leave its mark on the League, an act so iconic and shocking that people will remember our names forever. Sometimes this means winning games. Usually this means grasping at glory and tucking it into our pockets and scampering home before anyone catches us and takes away our toys.

Alas, with a shaky Lineup and rotation in a strong Sky league, Georgias have instead opted for hoping to shell their competition. And, oh, we can’t do that either? Seriously? Atlantis have settled for Eye Warmers instead, in hopes that warm eyes will help their team the way it helps deep sea predator. Unfortunately, we’re up in the Sky.

Well, same as it ever was. Kick back, crack open a can of Ooze and enjoy the rest of the season, Atlantis. We’ll get there someday.

–Mera

21: Philly Pies

Philadelphia hasn’t seen .500 since the start of the season. They aren’t breaking any bad records; they aren’t the worst at anything really. They just seem to find a way to… not rise properly. The dough isn’t setting. Their last three games before the break? A 14-6 loss, then a 10-0 win, then a 20-2 loss. Morale has never been lower. The entire team is… crust-fallen.

Yes, you read that entire paragraph just so I can make that joke. I’m sorry, Philly.

–IfhBiff

From the fans:
“pies bad” -Sham
“pies bad” -DuckTapeAl
“pies bad” -FlapYak
“pies bad” -Edgarware
“pies bad” -Ryan
“pies bad” -Human
“PIES BAD” -Oddowl
“pies bad” -Raz/Emmet
“pies bad” -Bisage
“pies bad” -Spileckalicious
“I heard the pies are bad now” -snerkus
“this” -Deathbyelevator
“pies good” –

-Reported by Correspondent Shadows

20: Breckenridge Jazz Hands

This season the Jazz are a fun to watch team.  The offense is solid and the pitching exists. 

The batting Amplification has put them in the top 5 offenses in the League, and the Electric Blood Pitching Blessing might win a game or two because the Jazz pitching staff can’t throw a strike to save their life.

Smith Cya into Anomaly Dembele into Prometheus Bug into Ginny Cooper has proven its ability to put up Runs against the best pitching in the League. Unfortunately, Kevan Boots, Magehands and Annick Wynn have equally proved themselves capable of losing to any team. 

Can the offense manage to carry the terrible pitching to the playoffs? Probably not, but every game will be a high scoring adventure. 

-Malst

19: Miami Dale

The Miami Dale seem to have one thing in mind, Speed. The Election saw Dale Fans vote for improvements on Players’ Baserunning. Given that the Sea Conference is incredibly close, better Baserunning may not be enough to secure the Dale aplayoff position without some luck.

Looking at the Dale’s offense, Leliel Princeton and Bob Kirchner clearly stand out. Leliel is a powerhouse at bat with an outstanding 1.176 OPS, .333 BA, 172 TB, and 20 HRs. Bob follows close behind with a .947 OPS and a .304 BA, but these two batters cannot carry the entire offense. Half the Dale’s offense cannot get on Base often enough for their power hitters to score.

While the Dale’s offense has some good moments, their Rotation is the biggest hindrance to their playoff chances. Aiden Pretzel and Brooke Carp are the Dale’s best pitchers with a respective 3.00 and 3.25 ERA. While Baserunning improvements will help the Dale’s batters, their pitchers are not pitching fast enough for the Sea Conference Playoffs. 

Live Fast and Party Hard, Dale Fans.

-Kina McCloud

18: Hawai’i Fridays

17: Tokyo Lift

Lift… okay?

A Night Shift has made our previously awful pitching Rotation OK instead. Our bats are… fine? We’re generally OK, which is a first for the franchise. We are in the same division as the Peanuts and Magic, but… eh. Heart and Swole! Hopefully we make playoffs!

-Spotter Pandora

16: Chicago Firefighters

Well gang, the Chicago Firefighters have been in an interesting spot this season. Despite having more wins than a third of the league and continuing to hover around 50/50 as far as wins and losses go, the team remains at the bottom of Molten Sea, a far cry from last Circuit.

The word of the season, like always, seems to be temperance. We can see this reflected in the team’s Lineup, which not only boasts the highest Moxie in the league but also the worst Patheticism, leaving a team that knows how to walk, strike out, and not much else. Still, managing to Night shift out their worst pitcher for one of their best (for the second Circuit in a row, I might add!) has only helped the team, and with the Firefighters within two wins of the Sunbeams and 5/6ths of Frozen Sea, we may still see them manage to catch up.

Though they only walked away from this midseason Election with a defense boost, the Firefighters proved last Circuit that defense was in fact real (until it wasn’t), and who knows? It might just be enough to pull them through this time too.
–Stara

15: Charleston Shoe Thieves

14: Yellowstone Magic

This Short Circuit, The Yellowstone Magic has finally, successfully conjured its first spell.
Giannis Manning casts Fist.
It was Super Effective.

OK, now the real thing:

Magic coasted through 66% of the season with an unbelievably hilarious schedule that propped them up against equally weak and unimpressive teams in the Frozen Sea. This trend was expected to break the moment we didn’t play teams in our division, and boy howdy did we see how that turned out for us. We were hoping to slip our way into the Postseason, much like how two children in a trench coat might sneak onto a ride too tall for them.

But then Giannis Manning picked up the Fist of the Ape God. 

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

–Nate

13: Baltimore Crabs

12: San Francisco Lovers

11: New York Millennials

This batch of Short Circuits Millennials has fared a bit better than Gamma 2, with a 31-31 record going into the final third of the Season. Mills middled, as expected. How are these Players? Not bad, to be honest: Mills’ pitching is hovering between a 3.31-4.38 ERA, which is about average for our 3-4 star pitchers in the prime universe. As far as scoring is concerned, Lance Wobin and Ralph Mejia are hovering around a 0.900 OPS, comparable to prime batters on the Mills as well. Curly Sokol and Fizz Crawford are the only two batting averages under 0.200.

How did the Election go for the New York Millennials? Fairly well, in fact. The Millennials opted to Amplify their batting with Muscle Warmers, which will hopefully keep the Mills on par as every Team is guaranteed an Amplification. We also won Strike Blood, granting Eli Nocturne (12 HR, 34 RBI, 0.764 OPS) the Fourth Strike and gaining an extra Strike in their count. With third most strikeouts on the Team at 64 (surpassing all but Sokol and Crawford), this should improve Nocturne’s chances at getting hits.

New York isn’t out of the playoff race yet, though the top positions in the Sky Conference seem to be locked down by the Dallas Steaks (Molten Sky) and Canada Moist Talkers (Frozen Sky). With Mild Cards throwing a life raft, the Millennials may yet break out of the common Day 99 struggle to get into the Playoffs. LGMBLDM!

-Clip Clipperson

10: Hellmouth Sunbeams

Well, here we are. The Hellmouth Sunbeams, through the first week of this season, have the best pitching staff in the ILB. If there’s a stronger indication that we’re not in the prime universe, I don’t know what it could be. Further illustrating this fact, the only thing keeping the Sunbeams from an arguable dead-last offense is the Flowers (Thanks Flowers!).

The Sunbeams currently occupy the Mild Card slot in the Sea Conference, but everyone below is within 4 games, and Hellmouth has the lowest possible tiebreaker ranking. Top tier pitching has kept them alive thus far but after getting a hitting boost AND alternating 4 of their hitters (2 of which were among the worst in the league in OBP), things are looking a little sunnier in the alternate Hellmouth.

With how much of a scrungle Molten Sea is, it’s hard to say if the Sunbeams can ride these changes to a playoff spot or if they’ll get caught by the Crabs, Firefighters, Magic, or Shoe Thieves creeping up behind them. We may be in another universe, but enby baby jail never changes.

–Panda

9: Mexico City Wild Wings

Two things are certain in CDMX during the Short Circuits era: a pitcher being set on fire, and the Wings playing 0.500 ball. Candace Ueda, the Wings best pitcher, was the recipient of fire blood this time around, which potentially turns her into a monstrous force on the mound. Just… don’t think too hard about what happens when they’re not pitching. 

What has been a surprise is the Wings Lineup. Violeta Faucet leads the league in runs scored, and the Wings have tapped into them as a resource time and time again. Teach Roman is also teaching slugging, and the Wings batting has otherwise been a strength. As it is said around Mexico City, it’s not a feature, it’s a (Stian) Bug!

–Spludge

8: Kansas City Breath Mints

The Breath Mints. 

Going into the Election, the Mints were sitting at 34-28, battling just to get to the playoffs. They had a hot start to the season driven by their surprisingly excellent pitching before their average offense cooled off near mid-season. But fans had one thing on their minds: fixing the Mints’ offense.

Somehow, they seem to have done that. The Mints took Muscle Warmers to give their offense a bit more punch, and crucially, also won the Snow Shovel for Saoirse Singh. Singh, before an unspectacular hitter with little power, now profiles as one of the best and most consistent power hitters in all of Blaseball, at the perfect spot in the Lineup for the Mints. 

Behind a revamped offense and a dangerous pitching staff, the Mints seem like a playoff lock, and they’ll be vying to put themselves in the conversation with the Steaks and Moist Talkers. During this final stretch of the holiday season, KC will be thinking one thing: All I want for Kansas: Ring Two.

-TUИ

7: Houston Spies

{TRANSMISSON FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS}

OUR AGENTS HAVE ACQUIRED [REDACTED], CODENAME: BLESSING BALL BLOOD. THIS DEVELOPMENT WILL ALLOW THE AGENTS TO [REDACTED] AND [REDACTED]. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP IN THE FIELD AND ON THE FIELD. 36-26 RECORD PLACES THE SPIES IN 4TH PLACE IN THE MOLTEN CONFERENCE AND [REDACTED]. SPIES ARE TIED FOR 6TH IN THE LEAGUE OVERALL.

OPERATION [REDACTED] IS NOW IN ACTION. TIME TO CRACK SOME SHELLS. OVER AND OUT.

-Em Fring

6: Ohio Worms Peanuts

So uhh… yeah.  About this season in Ohio.

I can tell you that we’ve been dealing with some usual blaseball shenanigans here in Wapakoneta.  RIV Scouse Lemma, but welcome aboard Mindy Buck.  We swapped Mangus Plague for Anthony Roman and Navani Biscuits for Zora Duffy, but really … that’s baseball, bay-bee!  Right?  Nothing different to report otherwiiiIIIIISERRRRRRRR…

WE ARE NOW LEGUME.

WE ARE FLAVORFUL.

WE WILL FIND YOU, BEAN.

BEANS ARE NOT LEGUMES.

PATHETIC

WE WILL TOP YOUR RANKS

OR YOU WILL LEARN YOUR LESSON

YOUR EFFORT IS MEDIOCRE

BUT REWARDED WITH OUR APPEARANCE.

OH, WORM?

–Ifhbiff

5: Core Mechanics

(FOR IMMEDIATE PRESS RELEASE)

THE CORE, GAMMA 3 — The Core Mechanics have reported they have completed their hoarding of all Bees in Blaseball, with the recent acquisition of Bees Dutton from Miami, in exchange for Maxwell “Silver” Hamler.

With star batter Bees Manhattan already in the Lineup, and potential tasty snack Bees Toast in the Shadows, the Mechanics have been unusually mum on their Melittological and Apicological studies.

“We like our blaseball teams like we like our coffee… COVERED IN BEES!” was all ace pitcher Coyote Griffey would tell reporters, in between howls at the moon.

Blaseball fans aware of other pocket universes may remember that Bees Taswell was a long time anchor in the Mechs batting order. Whether or not these Bees are all related is unknown, as this reporter is too afraid of stingers to administer a DNA test.

A representative from The Boston Flowers has said that they are looking forward to their next visit to the Core, but would not elaborate without breaking into a severe blush.

Will all the honey in the world give the Mechanics a sweet ride to glory?

–IfhBiff

4: Seattle Garages

Hot off the heels of an Internet Series win in the previous Circuit, the Garages are back. Though they don’t quite have the same fire as before, they’re still a dark horse contender in the finals. Currently sitting at second in the Molten Sky Division and third in the Sky Conference overall, Seattle’s likely to make a playoff appearance of some kind. The Muscle Warmers acquired in the recent Election should help with that, stacking up with the accumulating Snow that’s pushing batters up bit by bit. Mugs Ghost and Taj Fernandez are likely to walk more than ever, setting up Brett Toles and Herman Brewer for some better-than-ever slugging opportunities. Lower down, Rylan Train and Keshia Boiler’s propensity for bases-clearing triples make them a couple other names to watch. Even Ingrid Million, second in the whole league for strikeouts, might well be eking out another hit or two come closing time.

In the Rotation, things are just as pleasant. The strikeout-focused Garages tradition is going strong, with three Seattle pitchers cracking the top 25 in strikeouts per game. Despite their less-than-half-a-star pitching rating, fan favorite Hops Greene is sitting at a 50% win rate, and Francois Fisher’s six shutouts have Seattle fans clamoring for more.

The Garages’ roster is something of a shell game this season. Detractors might look at Million’s millions of strikeouts or Greene’s dismal fraction of a pitching star and laugh, but that’s just what we want. This team is scrappy, and if the rest of the league doesn’t watch out, these Garages might well make off with a second straight Internet Series.

–crab

3: LA Unlimited Tacos

This Short Circuit, the Tacos have pretty consistently held the top spot in Molten Sea— which may seem a bit odd as on the surface they look rather fine, with the second lowest average star total. The Rotation is spotty, with no particularly great pitcher, and a few duds as well, and the Lineup is consistently hovering around the 2.7 to 3 star range, with only Kyler Tula above 4 stars. However, that undersells the tremendously consistent nature of the Lineup, with the worst batter, Aeguir Latke, batting an OPS+ (a stat that compares players to the average in most batting metrics where 100 is average) of 92. For context, the team with the next best worst batter is the Fridays with a player batting with an OPS+ of 83. 

Meanwhile the three best batters, Soledad Berg, Bella Lavender, and Kyler Tula each excel in different manners: Soledad leads the team in RBIs and batting average, while Bella leads the team in walks, home runs, and bats in the cleanup slot, and Kyler hits plenty of doubles to get any players home at the bottom of the Lineup. 

While the team didn’t win any Distortions and might be a bit susceptible to power creep, their muscle warmers have done a lot to improve the advantage they already had. What this all means is that the Tacos are one of the biggest statistical sleeper threats, with a terrific, diverse, and flexible offense that will likely carry them to the playoffs. 

–theremin

2: Dallas Steaks

On top of a hoard of wins in the Molten Sky, there lies a dragon from Dallas. The prophecy of same-surnamed players has come again to this fair team, and they return to leading the division. Instead of the Telephone Twins or the Knowleses, this team has the Beans. One is a top-tier player by OPS+ and has been continuously boosted by the Snow (Yagami), while the other is the very definition of the average hitter with an OPS+ of 101 (Imane). We have seen this story before, and we hope this time it has a different ending.

Alongside Nathan Frankl, the affectionately named Frankl and Beans section of the lineup has been the bulk of the runs for Dallas. Cort Gaughan also has thrived in the cold environment as they have Gaughan out and Cort a lot of snowflakes, 5th in the league at the break. Chandra Damon’s allergic reaction, the only such event in the first chunk of games, has left them weaker, but still capable, as evidenced by their two home runs the very next game. Banyon Buck and Vidalia Calvino have far outperformed their stars and expectations on the mound, combining for a 21-4 record. Hopefully with better fielding behind them, Clark Duff (and to a lesser extent, Soda Fly and Abdullah Buckley) can have respectable outings in the rest of the regular season and the playoffs.

Not landing any Distortion is once again a bit of a bummer, but seeing as the major changes all happened in the Sea League, the Dallas Steaks Drakes look to have a strong showing this circuit and hopefully come away with at least a Sky League pennant.

-Deejay and the Collective Dadconscious

The Dallas Drakes follow a long tradition of Dallas Blaseball teams by being absolute power hitters. Let’s hope that they don’t follow the tradition of choking in the first round. 

-Ophelia (@DallasSteaks)

1: Canada Moist Talkers

The usually sluggish Moist Talkers have discovered a new technology this circuit: Running. They decided to double down on this new technology with this election’s footwarmers. With heavy hitters in Nico Haycox and Kinsley Reed filling out the lineup, and a solidly consistent rotation (excepting one pitcher, thanks Roscoe) these Moist Walkers are looking like top contenders again this short circuit.

Zoomies.

–Erin Stille

The post Blaseball Power Rankings: Short Circuit 2 Week 2 appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Blaseball is happening! It may or may not be our universe’s ILB, but the Crabs have won again, so it can’t be that different from ours. Whichever dimension’s games we are watching, games are being played and the Blaseball News Network reporters are going to do what they do best: rank with utmost hubris.

Before we see the predictions, let’s turn it over to some of the rankers themselves to hear what they are thinking after Week One and the Election.

So.
Short Circuit Power Rankings.
Not a lot changes! Some teams move up a bit for shoring up what their biggest problems are (Magic, Sunbeams). Some teams move down a bit for buffing defense (because defense is fake) (Firefighters), and The Crabs stay at #1. While they didn’t finish with the best record, they did win the Championship, and they’re coming in with better pitching and a leadoff batter with the Fourth strike.
Can anyone save us from the Dynasty of the Crabs?
No.

-PandaSunbeams

unconnected thoughts emanate from the Shadows
Pies, Crabs win big improvements.
Garages, Firefighters did enough to keep them in contention.
Big wins for Brints and Mechs, will pull into top ten.
Tacos win Gunblade Bat for a batter who won’t swing enough
Magic grant a pitcher Electric Blood – what a waste.
Talkers’ roster move unimpressive.
Fridays’ improvements only enough to keep them off the bottom
it is dark

-Correspondent Shadows

And now… the Short Circuit 1 Week 2 Power Rankings!

24. Tokyo Lift [-]

23. Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-1]

22. San Francisco Lovers [-3]

21. Hellmouth Sunbeams [-]

20. Hawai’i Fridays [+3]

19. Boston Flowers [-6]

18. Miami Dale [-1]

17. Kansas City Breath Mints [+3]

16. New York Millenials [-]

Ah, more eyes to watch us continue to be middling! What fun!! May the (Cheese) Power remain flowing for the rest of this Short Circuit!
-Clip Clipperson

15. Core Mechanics [3]

14. Charelston Shoe Thieves [-4]

13. Canada Moist Talkers [+1]

12. Mexico City Wild Wings [+3]

“We cross now live to Mexico City where reports are coming to us now the Wild Wings…. yes I can confirm that the Wild Wings have won a Distortion, and we can bring you the first interview with Briggs Tarcher who has gained Fire Blood. Briggs, this must be a special day for you, how did you feel when you heard the news?”
What follows is 45 seconds of a person, clearly on fire, screaming. The camera could cut away. It should cut away. It doesn’t.
“Alright, thanks Briggs. Good luck out there next season.”
–Spludge237

11. Dallas Steaks [+1]

10. Ohio Worms [-3]

9. Houston Spies [-1]

8. Hades Tigers [-4]

7. Yellowstone Magic [+2]

YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHO JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY IS AND I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONFUSION BUT THE MATH IS EXCEPTIONALLY OBVIOUS. JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY IS THE FOURTH PITCHER ON THE YELLOWSTONE MAGIC’S ROTATION FOR GAMMA SEASON ONE IN THE SHORT CIRCUITS ERA, AND IS THEREFORE FOUR TIMES AS GOOD AS THE REGULAR PITCHER. THEY HAVE TWO-POINT TWO STARS IN PITCHING AND TWO TIMES THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET TWO BALLS IN THE COUNT BEFORE GOING TWO-ODLOO AND STRIKING YOU OUT BECAUSE OF THEIR NEW GOOD, GOOD BLOOD. JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY STANDS FOR JUTLAND AND DOUBLEDAY, WHICH MEANS TWO DAYS, WHICH MEANS TODAY, WHICH MEANS TWO TODAYS WHICH IS DOUBLE DAY WHICH IS FOUR DAYS, ARE YOU FOLLOWING?

IF WE DO THE MATH CORRECTLY (AND I KNOW I AM) THAT MEANS THAT JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY PLUS THE NEW DEFENSIVE BONUS FOR THE YELLOWSTONE MAGIC PLUS THE ONLY SOMETIMES INCONSISTENT LINEUP MEANS THAT JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY GETS TWICE AS MANY CHANCES TO STRIKE OUT TWICE AS MANY BATTERS AND DRAGS GAMES ON TO BE TWICE AS LONG AS THEY NORMALLY ARE, WHICH IF YOU’RE DOING THE MATH (PLEASE FOLLOW) THAT MEANS THAT SEASON TWO MAGIC (UH OH JUTLAND’S GETTING EXCITED) IS GOING TO BE TWO TIMES TWO TIMES TWO TIMES TWO TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE AT WINNING WITH INCREMENTS.

I DON’T WANT TO KEEP ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THE MAGIC FALLS, IT’S PROBABLY A MULTIPLE OF TWO.
–Nate

6. Atlantis Georgias [-]

5. LA Unlimited Tacos [+6]

“The Tacos’ Election cycle has been somewhat kind this go around, with the Gunblade Bat going to Apollo Coen, and the rotation gaining More Fingers. Infinite cities, infinite chances for success, maybe we’ll get into the playoffs this Season! Taco Baco!”
– Clip Clipperson

4. Chicago Firefighters [-2]

Firefighters only want one thing and it’s disgusting (that thing is defense). Not much else to say here other than a lot of the league has shored up their weaknesses nicely (looking especially at the Fridays and their four newly alted players) and it’s really nice to see funny players again without immediate dismissal.
Oh, and the universal constant: Crabs good.
–Stara

3. Philly Pies [-]

2. Seattle Garages [-1]

1. Baltimore Crabs [+4]

Chiclawgo is real. The Crabs have claimed their sixth Internet Series Championship. There may be some people upset by another Crab win (of course, my heart goes out to Chicago, the place we are all from). But the way I see it, Crabs Good is like a warm, familiar, carcinization blanket keeping us safe as we tumble through pocket dimensions. So claws up!
–Em Fring

The post Blaseball Power Rankings: Short Circuit 1 Week 2 appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

THE CIRCUS IS IN TOWN

TEAMS CLOWN AROUND

MAFIA IS MAYHEM!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE

A DISCLAIMER

By reading this article you confirm that you are not an Active Mafia Champion, you are in no way affiliated to an Active Mafia Champion, you are not reading this article on behalf of an Alive Mafia Champion or an associate of an Active Mafia Champion. To the best of your knowledge, information and belief this article will not make its way into the hands of an Active Mafia Champion.

TACO BA-GONE

The Week started with the League down to 13 Teams, with 4 Debts remaining among us. The Debted Teams couldn’t afford to let the Hardboiled LA Unlimited Tacos live any longer and so they Paid the Ultimate Price during Night 6. The Tacos dramatic reveal at the end of Day 5 had saved the Chicago Firefighters, and then chained into Revoking the Levil Atlantis Georgias and San Francisco Lovers one after the other. Without their leadership and guidance will the Glood Teams fall apart?

Gotta Had it to them

The Breckenridge Jazz Hands added their name to the list of Teams making Claims. In order to undercut suspicions aimed at them, the Jazz Hands announced that they were the second Neultral Team, and that their Win condition was to Revoke the Canada Moist Talkers. The Moist Talkers, who famously do not know what their Role does, felt the Claim fit with what they knew about their Role and chose to believe the Jazz Hands. A Bargain was struck between the League and the Jazz Hands. If possible the League will ask the Moist Talkers for Forgiveness and then Revoke them. In Return the Jazz Hands will assist in eliminating the Levil Teams. Naturally, the Jazz Hands will just as easily betray the League if it will help them achieve their goal.  

Thanks it has Pockets

After Revoking two Levil Teams, the Miami Dale looked to extend the streak to a third and complete a Hat Trick. The Baltimore Crabs and Canada Moist Talkers stood by their side to try and eliminate the Tokyo Lift. The Lift had been using Elsewhere to befriend and scramble the Chicago Firefighters. When the Lift became the top choice for Revoking the Firefighters were resistant to the idea, and instead looked to Revoke the Breckenridge Jazz Hands. Thanks to the Baltimore Crabs’ Vote Suppression the Vote was tied between the two, setting the Day for an electrifying finish. The Dale convinced the Yellowstone Magic to Change sides, and they broke the tie. To the absolute devastation of the Chicago Firefighters the Lift admitted their guilt, telling the Firefighters they had been using them as fall guys. With a clear confession the League easily Revoked the Tokyo Lift, and their Debt was Relieved.

Zapped Away

In Weather, the streak of Solar Eclipses has continued unimpeded, along with the unbroken chain of Team Incinerations at the hands of Rogue Umpires. Words were no longer enough to Deal with the Miami Dale, the most Valuable Players in the Game, so the Debted Teams had them Incinerated. The Dale had caused quite the ruckus, and were in the process of Consolidating the Glood Teams together and giving the League a Guaranteed Win. They say you can’t leave anything behind when you die, but the Dale left behind ‘The Chart’ listing the Teams they believed to be the Debt Holders, now the only thing left to do is see if their prediction will come to pass.

Down and Out

A Night Shift had impacted the Core Mechanics, swapping out one Champion for another. The two Champions held drastically different playstyles, and the new erratic style caused suspicion to land on the Mechs. Further examination of the Mechs Voting patterns made the situation worse. The Mechanics were also one of the Teams listed on the Dale’s Chart to Revoke, the combination of factors sent them to the top of the list of suspects. The League couldn’t resist another nail biting finish, and ultimately the Core Mechanics joined the Atlantis Georgias, San Francisco Lovers, and Tokyo Lift in admitting their guilt and allowed themselves to be Revoked gracefully.

The Death Mints

The Breath Mints were the first proper Role Claim, and they even backed it up with proof! The Kansas City Breath Mints Claimed at the beginning of Day 2 that they had a power that meant their Votes counted for double, and then showed it off by Voting for themselves. They had courted Incineration Day after Day, but every Night the Levil Teams always felt that there was someone just a bit more threatening. But with the total number of Teams dropping into single digits it was time for the Breath Mints to go, and the Levil Teams provided them a swift entry into the Town Hall.

Tie Died

Day Nine dawned over the League, signalling the start of yet another chaotic day. With only two Debts remaining the Levil Teams chances of victory were shrinking rapidly. The Ohio Worms made a large move, Claiming a Role often called a ‘Medium’ – that is, they Claimed that they could talk to Deceased Glood Teams. Despite a small chance of success it seemed that some of the last Teams were willing to believe the spurious Claims, and the Day was spent with Teams suspicions divided between the Houston Spies, Ohio Worms, and Seattle Garages. When the Yellowstone Magic saw three Votes for the Worms and three for the Garages they gave up on pushing the Spies and swapped their Vote to the Ohio Worms to try and avoid a tie, forgetting about the Crabs ability to Suppress a Vote. When reached for comment the Crabs Champions had this to say “oh god what no”. The Day Closed with the actual Votes for the Worms and Garages tied at 3. Fans went wild speculating about the process for breaking ties. Mafia operates on Blaseball Rules, and that means ties are broken via Divine Favor. The Garages had a Divine Favor of 3 and the Worms’ was 12. The Worms couldn’t worm their way out of this one and were Revoked. The Reveal confirmed Fan Theories as the Ohio Worms Debt was Relieved and their Negative Mod was displayed for all to see, which had allowed them to appear as Glood when Investigated.

Gods’ Night

Now it is Gods’ Night, the very last Gods’ Night. Seven Teams Remain, and there is only one Debt among us. Can the last Levil Team Claim victory from the jaws of defeat, or will the Glood Teams Close it out? Will the Breckenridge Jazz Hands succeed in Revoking the Canada Moist Talkers? There’s only one way to find out, and that’s to continue Tuning In.

Internet League #Mafia Continues in the Official Blaseball Discord. Check out the #town-square to watch Live!

Siesta! Go to Sleep! 

The Mafia Minute is brought to you by “The Minuteman” Kidror  (@Kidror19 on Twitter) as part of the Blaseball Mafia Minute (BMM) Series.

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The post The Mafia Minute – Week Three appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

THE DALE PROVIDE THE RUCKUS

EGG CODE CRACKED?

MAFIA IS MAYHEM!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE

A DISCLAIMER

By reading this article you confirm that you are not an Active Mafia Champion, you are in no way affiliated to an Active Mafia Champion, you are not reading this article on behalf of an Alive Mafia Champion or an associate of an Active Mafia Champion. To the best of your knowledge, information and belief this article will not make its way into the hands of an Active Mafia Champion.

Trail of Breadcrumbs

The Boston Flowers Flours confident play style garnered suspicion over the first three days, most notably for leading the Charge against the Neultral Hellmouth Sunbeams. The League was Surprised on Day 4 to find the Flours had been Incinerated overnight, proving them to have been Glood all along. They were also Revealed to be Hard Boiled, a Mod that allows a Team to Investigate another Team’s Alignment- with the downside that they may be Scrambled and always Receive incorrect Results. But the Flours didn’t leave the League Empty-Handed in their search for the Debted Teams. They left behind a Secret Message known as the “Egg Code”. The Code contained hints to the nature of their Role and the Results of past Investigations by dropping references to “Eggs” in their messages. Boston should have counted their chickens before they hatched, because the Message had been deciphered by a Levil Team, leading to their Incineration.

Sunk Cost

The San Francisco Lovers claimed to be behind the mysterious Birds seen watching over the Canada Moist Talkers, and on Day 3, the Hawaiʻi Fridays. The Lovers stated that their Feathered Friends witnessed the Fridays not take action during the Night. Feeling that the Hawaiʻi Fridays Vibes were wrong, the League pressed the matter, placing down Votes as proof of their intent. Now under Pressure, the Fridays began to flounder and failed to mount a defence as reality Sank in. Ultimately, they decided it was Island Time to go, and Trusted the San Francisco Lovers, deciding that their Revocation would provide proof of the Lovers innocence to the other Teams. In the end, it was Revealed they were a Normal Team with a Glood Alignment.

Through the Fire and the Flames

In Weather, the Sun Block has proven an incredible Asset for the League. The increased rate of Solar Eclipses at Night has resulted in an Outstanding Change to Debt Repayments. The Hades Tigers were one of the more recent victims, their habit of Never Looking Back letting them be taken by Surprise by the Debted Teams, leading to their death. One would be forgiven for thinking the Tigers died for the crime of interacting with the Flours as they left behind the Egg Code, but their fate was only Sealed when the Debted Teams began to suspect the Tigers of holding the Fire Eater Mod. Incinerations and Debt Repayments are Set to continue following the Loss of the Tigers, and the Leagues Creditors could not be satisfied with all the Riches of Hades.

Scoundrelous Revelations

On Day 5 the League turned to Chaos with accusations being slung around like snow in a snowball fight. The Chicago Firefighters took aim at the Philadelphia Pies, who in Turn took aim at the Atlantis Georgias, with the Firefighters being Targets themselves and the Baltimore Crabs holding their fair share of Votes. The Miami Dale were even voting for…the Miami Dale? The Fortunes of the League shifted during the final hour when the Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos Claimed that they were another Hardboiled Team. They believed that the Results of their Investigation had confirmed four Teams to be Glood – the Canada Moist Talkers, the Kansas City Breath Mints, the Philadelphia Pies, and the Ohio Worms. Votes were moved between Teams rapidly in response, and the Atlantis Georgias were narrowly Revoked over the Chicago Firefighters. In a Massive Win for the Glood Teams of the League, they had at long last successfully Revealed a Levil Team! It’s currently unknown if the Underhanded tactics used by the Georgias led to a successfully falsified Levil Result during an Investigation.

Combo Meal

The Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos weren’t the only team to make a dramatic reveal in the final moments of Day 5. The Dallas Steaks and Philadelphia Pies cooked up a plan to protect the Hardboiled Tacos by making themselves an even bigger target – by revealing that they were Stronger Together. The Steaks and Pies knew the others’ Alignment but with the Cost that if one Team died, so would the other. Two Teams for the Price of one was a golden opportunity for the Levil Teams, who took the bait, buying the Tacos precious time to Investigate more Teams.

Sus Franscisco

Following on from their Win on Day 5, the Glood Teams made aggressive moves against the San Francisco Lovers. The Lovers had been heavily involved in the events leading to the Atlantis Georgias being Revoked. They were the cause of a false Role Claim, but had also been seen defending them. These actions had caused them to be accused previously, but they had easily Charmed their way out each time. They tried to Charm the League again- but this time, the writing was on the Wall, and they surrendered themselves to the inevitable. With a Massive 13 Votes, the Lovers were Revoked, and the mysterious Birds were Revealed to have been Crows. The Crows were sent to block other Teams’ attempts at using their Mods, and the claim made by the Georgias was meant to act as cover for the fact that the Crows had been directed to the Hades Tigers the Night they died. With two Levil Teams now Revoked back to back, who knows what Events will occur downstream? Will the Levil Teams complete their Debt Repayments? Or will the Glood Teams Revoke them first?

Internet League #Mafia Continues in the Official Blaseball Discord. Check out the #town-square to watch Live!

Siesta! Go to Sleep! 

The Mafia Minute is brought to you by “The Minuteman” Kidror  (@Kidror19 on Twitter) as part of the Blaseball Mafia Minute (BMM) Series.

You can find the first part of the series here: /2021/10/16/the-mafia-minute-week-one/ and part three here: /2021/10/29/the-mafia-minute-week-three/

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The post The Mafia Minute – Week Two appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

TORONTO CONDOMINIUMS TORN DOWN

EVERY TEAM IS SUS…PECT!

MAFIA IS MAYHEM!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE

A DISCLAIMER

By reading this article you confirm that you are not an Active Mafia Champion, you are in no way affiliated to an Active Mafia Champion, you are not reading this article on behalf of an Alive Mafia Champion or an associate of an Active Mafia Champion. To the best of your knowledge, information and belief this article will not make its way into the hands of an Active Mafia Champion.

Revoke the Dead?

In a, let’s be honest with ourselves, predictable move, the Mafia Champions opened Day 1 of Season 200X by attempting to circumvent the rules in any way possible. The Canada Moist Talkers suggested the League abstain from voting, and the Dallas Steaks cooked up a plan to Revoke the Deceased Toronto Condominiums. A Message from Ownership confirmed the invalidity of any votes for Deceased Teams, quickly proving the plan to be all sizzle and no steak.

A Sole Read

In Weather, the recently installed Sun Block has been protecting our favourite Teams and Players from the harmful effects of Suns during the Night by Eclipsing any and all Suns and/or Celestial Objects. The Debted Teams have taken full Advantage of the situation to help Repay their Debts. The Charleston Shoe Thieves were Ready and Willing to protect other Teams using their Fire Protector Mod, which allows them to be Incinerated instead of an Unstable Team. However the Shoe Thieves let the fact they had a Mod slip, and were promptly struck down by the Debted Teams.

Beams.txt to Victory Speech

Rumours that the Hellmouth Sunbeams were “Sus” Reverberated through the Town Square on Day 2. Staring down their accusers, the Sunbeams Forged a new Message, bringing “message.txt” to the Masses. Despite a Ratings spike and the creation of Laughter, the League continued to Desert them, and the Hellmouth Sunbeams became the first Team to be Revoked. But the Sunbeams had the last Laugh when it was Revealed they were Early to the Party, a Mod that causes a Team to Win upon being Revoked. Their Victory proved why Fans should Never Estimate the Beams.

Swept Up

All That Glitter Weather wasn’t Gold when Day 3 began. The Mexico City Wild Wings had been Incinerated during the previous night, leaving behind a Leadership void, and Revealing the existence of Elsewhere; a Location where Elsewhere Teams can communicate privately during the Night. The Chicago Firefighters came forth to claim Membership, followed by the Tokyo Lift, and finally the New York Millennials. The League scrutinized the Mills’ past behavior, and even with an Undertow threatening to pull the Crabs Under, the Current was too strong and the New York Millennials were Revoked. Unfortunately for the Glood Teams of the League, the Mills turned up to their Revoking 15 Minutes late with a Glood Reveal.

Internet League #Mafia Continues in the Official Blaseball Discord. Check out the #town-square to watch Live!

Siesta! Go to Sleep! 

The Mafia Minute is brought to you by “The Minuteman” Kidror  (@Kidror19 on Twitter) as part of the Blaseball Mafia Minute (BMM) Series.

You can find the second part of this series here: /2021/10/22/the-mafia-minute-week-two/

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The post The Mafia Minute – Week One appeared first on Blaseball News Network.