Season CE2 of Blaseball brought us the meteoric rise of the now suddenly estimable (#1 in the previous power ranking) Hellmouth Sunbeams, and their exciting win over the Boston Flowers. In their wake, we suddenly have a surge of teams primed for some powerful streaks in Blaseball Season CE3. From the Finalist Flowers, still craving blood to water the Garden with, to the Magic, prepared for a full on evil heel turn, to the Wings and Shoe Thieves, both looking to recapture glory unbound.

Our crack team of writers, estimators, reporters, bloggers, and stlatisticians put in more effort than ever, with a renewed focus on topical, direct pieces for each team and another record for power ranking submissions: 33 in total! In this Coronation Era of Blaseball, the Blaseball News Network continues to evolve and grow thanks to our writers, contributors, and supporters. With all that being said, it’s time for the Season CE3 Power Ranking:

On to the HUBRIS!

24. Hades Tigers [-4]

Hubris Index: 2.32

The Hades Tigers season (2) of nightmares started off with our best batter Zephyr McCloud leaving due to his Curse, rendering our bats as cold as the vacuum of space, an omen for the horrendous season to come. And horrendous it was, as the Tigers led the league in incinerated players with three beloved players (RIV Velasquez Alstott, Steals Mondegreen, and rookie Leandra Beech) being incinerated.

The Tigers now have the worst batting in the league, and no amount of Stevenson Heat defense or Grit Freeman pitching can make up for that. On the bright side, the aforementioned Grit Freeman really stepped it up this season, and Elip Dean played a bit better as well! Jackson and Caper, our best pitchers from the prior season, both had weak seasons, but a bounce back is not out of the question.

With our league-best defense and alright pitching, the election was the perfect place to fix our batting problem and catapult our team to success, and if we won batting boost we’d be all set!

We didn’t win anything.

The Tigers stagger out of the election empty-handed and with numerous wounds in need of licking. The future looks bleak, season 3 will not be a good one for the Tigers, but they will play valiantly nonetheless, and the Tigers give up as often as they look back. Never. For now, just hope for the safety of our beloved players and hope for blessings.

-benoak1999

23. Tokyo Lift [-1]

Hubris Index: 2.00

Lift bad. Sorry for exploding your guy, Worms! Other than that, we didn’t win anything. Having been one of the worst teams in both NEW Season 1 and NEW Season 2, expect worse in NEW Season 3.

-otterpopd

22. Houston Spies [-8]

Hubris Index: 2.32

The Spies are not getting a Golden Record this season. Last season’s campaign was waylaid by Experimentation, as Houston became the first team to accumulate all four player modifications. Terrell Bradley’s Alternation and Rivers Rosa’s incineration delivered two large hits to the Spies, moving a .500 team to the basement of Evil. Ser Sevgi is Questing, but it will take more than a few side quests to double last season’s paltry 27 wins and reach playoff consideration.

Entering Season 3, the Spies have the 3rd lowest average pitching and the 4th lowest batting in the League, both barely over 2.5 stars. The election proved this point by cursing Scratch Deleuze, whose surely swift removal from the lineup will improve these averages to…slightly more than barely over 2.5 stars, respectively. So no, the Spies are not going to Win by acquiring more wins than other teams, and may face the franchise’s first Party Time hosting assignment (we hope you like beige).

No, the goal this season is to Win by Further Experimentation. Their 74% vote share for Knight Strike was the standout performance of the Election, and they have garnered the Strike Two team modification for their trouble. Spies remain committed to pushing for Strike Three, since apparently playing Blaseball will not be this Blaseball team’s strong suit for the foreseeable future. Whether by strike out, shut out or black out, the Spies’ future appears to be [REDACTED].

-Lilienne

21. New York Millennials [-]

Hubris Index: 3.65

Something happened to the Millennials! Ren Hunter gained the benefits of the Ball Hawk blessing, giving them a wider range of defensive options. With a Rogue Ump favor for Jana Beats and Ryuji Ngozi’s Alternate into a slightly better batter, I think the Millennials’ fortunes are turning for the better. Though, we’re still pretty bad. This is not the early Expansion Era, when pitching was our thing. Bennett Bluesky can’t do it all by themselves.

I can only hope the roving Band will stay on the Millennials’ playlist to drag us up the Standings.

–Clip Clipperson

20. Ohio Worms [-2]

Hubris Index: 3.09

Nothing interesting happens in Ohio.

We started this season with the previous elections … in which we won nothing. The team was not improved; other teams in the division were. We had five equally subpar pitchers, an uneven lineup, and a defense that leans up against the wrong fence so often you’d think there was a George Thorogood song written about them. I declared us to be terrible, and expected to have the worst record in the league. I’m fairly sure that the team won one more game than the Lift just to spite me, despite going 2-4 in the season against them.

This season, the Umpires played their Favorites and Cursed and Swore their way through the league. Well, most of the league: Winnie Hess dodged the Bard’s curse and parried the Knight’s swear. Badgerson Stromboli also parried the Knight. Yawn.

Then, for the 2nd consecutive δ season, the Worms failed to win a blessing. No changes. Wait, what’s that you say? Because the LIFT won a Blessing, we incinerated bottom 10% ERA pitcher Johnnyboy Aster? Maybe we have addition by subtraction? Let’s check the replacement pitcher, Luis Baron. Hrm, looks like Luis’ pitching attributes are closest statistically to Sandie Carver’s. So let’s compare Johnnyboy and Sandie:

Aster: 6.47 ERA, 2.5 HR/9, Opp. BA: .311
Carver: 6.78 ERA, 2.4 HR/9, Opp. BA: .307

Prediction? 33-57, one game worse than last season. Why?

Because nothing interesting happens in Ohio.

–Ifhbiff

19. Core Mechanics [-10]

Hubris Index: 3.69

The Mechs are bad. Firstly, a tough schedule and the extent of the buffs revealed, the Mechanics started this season struggling and never fully recovered despite an incredible new league record shutout of 23-0 against the Firefighters on Day 73.

The Mechanics seemingly have a history with the Mage Umpire who proceeded to alternate three Mechanics players. Two of these were relatively fine: Neerie McCloud seemingly became a worse pitcher, but a far better baserunner and fielder. Niu Chen, after alternation, became the Mechs’ best defender at the cost of their ability to hit the ball.

The main headline though was Sheri Friday’s alternation, ranked 8th best batter by BNN last season. They are now the worst batter in the Mechanics’ lineup. The team’s brightest star was taken out by a Mage Strike.

Finally, a cruel ironic twist of fate in the Election gave the Mechanics the Mage Strike blessing. The blessing gave the team its first strike, while the Spies’ Knight Strike has sent Chibodee Alighieri on a quest in the shadows.

Ultimately, this season will be placed alongside the disastrous Season 21 as a season to be moved on from but not forgotten. The Mechs find themselves on their own quest, standing in the face of adversity, in need of an extensive rebuild, and an Umpire standing in their way.

-CraftedRobot

18. Chicago Firefighters [+6]

Hubris Index: 4.00

Anything can happen in Blaseball. In Season 2 of the Coronation Era, that means the Chicago Firefighters, previously in contention for worst in the league, can finish with a 41-49 record, placing 3rd 4th in the Awful Evil division. With Nerd Pacheco and two other midfielders (literally) stacking the field and pitchers Don Elliot (2.87 ERA) and Karato Rangel (3.22 ERA) holding down the fort, Chicago’s defense is making up for it’s, frankly, awful batting.

The Firefighters also dodged the worst of the new weather this season, with Yosh Carpenter parrying a Knight Umpire’s swear and Ralph Vincent being alternated twice, seeing an overall improvement in stars when the dust settled.

The Season 2 elections gave Chicago the Dark Matter blessing, adding 5 players to the Firefighters’ shadows including 3.5 star batter Oscar Hollywood and 3.5 star pitcher Grit Watson. The Firefighters also came out unscathed from the 3 strike blessings won by other Awful Evil teams.

All in all, the Chicago Firefighters haven’t changed much going into Season 3, a benefit in their strike heavy division. I guess some things in Blaseball do stay the same. After all, We Are From Chicago. We Are Always From Chicago.

-Luna (TheoreticalBartender#3559)

17. Dallas Steaks [-]

Hubris Index: 3.37

The Dallas Steaks… my mortal enemy. In the middle of writing this, one of my doors broke, so I had to go to Lowe’s to pick up a new handle to put back on the door.

The Steaks are not dissimilar to me and my door. A broken handle (our bad luck) is holding back my perfectly fine door (our okay stats)! Another week without a blessing leaves us in an extremely similar position to last season. Except that last season, the Steaks pulled it together in the latter half, to play what I thought they would, .500. Somehow, Steaks took their bottom of the division performance in the beginning of the season, and, WITH ONE SINGLE EVENT FROM THE UMPS, became a semi-formidable team. Hell, our opening 3 games were a Crabs Sweep, and Crabs Kinda Good!

But, like my broken handle— hey where’s my internet. DAMNIT! More bad luck. Steaks bad next season. Bad luck abides.

–Ophelia

16. Philly Pies [-1]

Hubris Index: 2.64

“Roll out the crust, get ready to cheer,
Philly Pies, we’re loud and clear!
We’ll hit it out, we’ll steal the base,
Philly Pies, we’re in this race!”

The Philadelphia Pies Blaseball Team is gearing up for a new season, and the energy and enthusiasm around the club are palpable. Despite ending last season 5th in Awful Good with a 42-48 record, placing them in the middle of the pack compared to the rest of the league, the Pies remain strangely optimistic about their chances to claim the championship this season.

However, the recent election of the Bard Umpire as the new Crew Chief could be a hindrance to the Pies’ success. The Bard Umpire favored Scattered Teams during the last season, and the Pies, who are Entangled, may be at a disadvantage against their already powerful division rivals, the Sunbeams and the Shoe Thieves, who are both Scattered teams.

The Philadelphia Pies also enter the new season without any additional blessings. Despite this setback, the team remains optimistic about their chances on the field. However, with several challenging teams in their league and division, as well as the possibility of facing an unfavorable Crew Chief, the Pies’ competition this season may be limited to securing Party Time. Despite the challenges ahead, the team remains committed to its motto of “Pie or Die” and is determined to make a strong showing in the coming season.

-Mallery, Knight Reporter

15. Baltimore Crabs [-3]

Hubris Index: 2.84

I think it’s safe to say, even without being inside the Crab’s Compound, that Season 2 didn’t live up to its potential. A scan of new “star” batter Tiera Wigdoubt’s events in the season show that though the near-maxed out batter is great at making contact (and is in the top 30 in walks), they struggle to hit the ball out of the infield. Tiera, in fact, managed to hit 0 home runs despite a ferocity of .903. She’s still a good batter, just not the elite you’d hope for as a blessing result.

So going into Season 3, are the Crabs good or are the Crabs bad? It’s hard to say. They’re in a division that keeps getting more competitive between the Sunbeams, Shoe Thieves, and Dale, and seem to be on the cusp of the playoffs despite some of the rougher schedules. At the same time, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone expecting this squad to take the field on Saturday.

I think one of the most interesting things about the Crabs is something they share with my team, the Sunbeams. With last season’s Power Rankings, there were exactly two teams that were hit exactly by the BNN average. The Sunbeams at #1 and the Crabs at #12. Until this team forges an identity, I think that’s likely where they’ll stay. So when it comes to Crabs good or Crabs bad, I’ll simply say the following:

Crabs Crabs.

–Panda

14. LA Unlimited Tacos [+9]

Hubris Index: 4.86

Upward trajectory. Having literally 3 of the worst 10 hitters in the league (Nigel Candy, Erin Beanbag and Pernelongo al-Wazir), winning the Batting Boost is a much welcome improvement.

While Soojin Gloom (RIV) will be missed, their replacement Piper Legume has already turned fans’ heads, and the boost won’t hurt their case either. Any similarities in moniker to Beta Taco Peanut Bong are purely coincidental, I’m told. The pitching might be mediocre (at best), and the defence holier than Swiss cheese, but this lineup can rake now.

–DeeJay and Benjy

13. Seattle Garages [-5]

Hubris Index: 3.38

Wait, you’re telling me we didn’t win anything? Huh, okay.

Garages are okay. We definitely aren’t making it to the playoffs, unless the Umps really don’t like the other teams in our division and our bestie the Rogue Ump decides to finally favor us. Maybe we will be late to party time though?

Season 2 was a dispassionate creature for the Garages. The shadowing of star batter Chambers Simmons definitely played a part in the team just falling short of a .500 record at the end of the season, and although he Found A Heart and became perhaps the best player in the entire league, it’s of no help to the team if he’s stuck on the sidelines.

Guess Who’s Thwack didn’t carry the team into the playoffs quite as easily as many fans hoped, many attributing it to perhaps the most difficult schedule of the season. Regardless of everything else, at least the election was kind to the team in one small way: by not hitting them with one of the many strikes that were available this season. Garages haven’t gotten worse, everyone else is just getting better. Which is kinda the same thing.

-vivi

12. Canada Moist Talkers [+7]

Hubris Index: 3.52

With an unimpressive 37-53 overall record for the Season 2, normally the Talkers would be looking for an unimpressive Season 3. But with some luck from the blessing, the Talkers have managed the 5th best running and league best defense. Khulan Sagaba leads the league’s running, while Jay Camacho does the same for defense. The Filth Zone has returned, and your players will learn that they do, in fact, hate it here.

That’s not to say the Talkers are championship ready. There are still a few notable problems, but batter Scott Gray will be looking to send the team’s offense to victory, while pitcher Eris Street looks to do the same from the mound. Abner Pothos also exists, although no one can tell what the spit changed yet.

The Talkers are looking to rebound for Season 3, so be prepared.

-The Den

Moist Talkers… Wimd? This season we had Khulan Sagaba get a modest favour from an Umpire, Tad Seeth dodging an Umpire swear AND an Umpire curse and… Well, not much else really. Our schedule had a quarter of our games against strong teams like the Sunbeams, Flowers, and Magic, and our batting is still pretty uppy downy, Simon Haley is still questing, and nothing else really hit us. We did win Wind Sprints but, its as they say, nothing ever happens to the Moist Talkers (hubris).

-Artemis (Post Office)

11. Broken Ridge Jazz Hands [-1]

Hubris Index: 3.36

In Season 2, the Broken Ridge Jazz Hands rode our strong offense and league average pitching to a solid finish – 2nd in Awful Evil, and 5th in the Evil League. However, along the way we were devastated by weather, and failed to win any blessings in the Election. A true Jazz standard.

Sigmund Castillo and Bonk Jokes were previously two of our best batters, with Bonk also being one of our only competent defenders. Now, Sigmund has embarked on a Can’t Lose journey across the league, and Bonk has been Alternated into a worse hitter and much worse defender. Our defense, which was already among the weakest in the league, is now even worse, and our diminished hitting and rotation of aspiring ground ball pitchers don’t give much reason to feel hopeful.

With the Bard ump’s forthcoming reign unlikely to benefit the Rogue aligned Jazz Hands, Season 2 will likely remain the our best performance in the Coronation Era for some time. Jazz, it seems, is really all about the playoffs you don’t make.

-deafhobbit

10. San Francisco Lovers [+6]

Hubris Index: 3.80

WOO! WE WON A BLESSING!! LET’S GO ALL THE– wait….

Alvie’s Magnetic Fielder blessing (and resultant 1.1 Magnet) should definitely mean some improvement in her ability to convert attempts to outs; although her unchanged Reach of .02 means she probably won’t make more attempts than this season, at about two per game, so it’ll be fairly minimal. On top of that, the Lovers already boasted a strong defense– 4th in the league in efficiency rating– so while this improvement is nice, it wasn’t sorely needed.

The team’s batting also took baby steps, although these were made during the season. Ramiel Jang’s lineup spot was refilled (RIV) and vacated by Muna Sichanta (Knightspeed!). This shorter roster gave more plate appearances to the team’s stronger hitters, like Kesh, Kingbird, and the newly-favored Baek.

Unfortunately, the good news ends before we reach pitching. Don’t be fooled by the rotation’s records; despite 4 shutouts, Durham Spaceman was 4th in the league for BB9; despite an 11-7 record, and Donia Dollie’s 9-9 record hides an abysmal 6.49 ERA. Neither of these players saw improvements this season, in the election or otherwise, and the pitching staff will still lean heavily on fielding and offensive support.

Season 2’s playoff-level performance is definitely exciting, and don’t get me wrong, we could definitely see that again; but without an easy schedule to help them as the league improves around them, it’s unlikely that San Francisco will Go All The Way in NEW! Season 3.

-Clair Mcrlwain, 4FM the KISS

9. Kansas City Breath Mints [-4]

Hubris Index: 3.75

It’s a tale as old as time: the Mints have the best pitching in the league, and it doesn’t matter because none of our batters want to hit the ball.

Our team ERA of 3.44 and WHIP of 1.038 are the lowest in the league. Three of the top five pitchers by WHIP and by ERA are Breath Mints, and our worst pitcher still has WHIP below 1.5. By pitching alone, this is a team that should stroll into the play-offs, and take a ring in a good year.

And then you look at our batting. Gods, what a mess. Our team has some bright spots – Brooklyn Nottingham is not only a stellar defender, but was our best batter last season with an OPS of 1.049. Hot on their heels is Stretch Sutton, with an OPS of 1.016, and Mindy Kugel could also have had OPS over 1 by the season’s end, had they not been squashed by Ayanna Dumpington.

And then the rest. A third of our line-up, including Dumpington, have BAs below 0.200. And while Dumpington had the decency to play 8th in the line-up, Jesse Tredwell was 3rd and an absolute curse. A free out for the other side, and completely miserable to watch.

The good news is that we won Yeet, and Jesse is off the team – so things are looking up for Kansas City. We’re unlikely to win a ring this season, but if Vernon Glump is even a slight improvement, it could make a huge difference.

-Finn

8. Miami Dale [+5]

Hubris Index: 2.27

Once a “16th place” meme, the Dale have quietly risen to the top third of the league in the new era of Blaseball. They didn’t have a dominant season in Season 2, but with winning records against the Crabs, Mechanics, Breath Mints and Lovers, and a respectable 8-10 season split with the very talented Shoe Thieves, this is a team to watch.

They win quietly despite their party aesthetic, relying on a solid defense (with two above-average defenders on the right side of the outfield in Serge Shortvat and Lottie Yoshida), capable pitching staff and a lineup led by Joe Voorhees (20 homers, .330 batting average) and Yurts Buttercup (26 homers, .318 average).

I don’t think we can count on the Dale winning a title quite yet, but don’t be surprised to see only partying in Miami this season coming in the form of a Post Season celebration.

–Firewall Andrews

7. Atlantis Georgias [-1]

Hubris Index: 1.66

Heading into Season 3, the Georgias look poised to once again claim the Awful Evil division title, with the same formula they’ve had the past two seasons: solid offence, a good pitcher or two, a middling defence, and, well, Justin Alstott. Unfortunately, being the most Awful Evil team in the league probably won’t be enough to win a championship just yet.

-boat

6. Hawai’i Fridays [+2]

Hubris Index: 3.49

The Fridays’ performance this era is looking like an exponential curve, and that means by season 4 we’ll have 16 wins, right?

Seriously though, I thought the Fridays were supposed to be chill. How is our defense so aggressively good? How did we end the season having given up the the third least runs in the whole league? How did we end the season tied for fifth best record in the league? How did we make it to the semi final, knocking out the Wild Wings, even after our best batter was alternated? (We miss you Elijah Valenzuela. Welcome to the world, Elijah Valenzuela!). In the face of an unpredictable umpire onslaught, we stayed incredibly consistent. And our blessing last season didn’t even make a big difference, it hit a pitcher’s defensive stats.

All of this leads me to conclude the Fridays are just good. I’m proud to call Hawai’i my team. That first semifinal game against the Sunbeams was a real joy to watch. Win or won’t we vibe, of course but bring on the wins please! Friday night magic final season 3, anyone?

–Kaz

The Fridays are good? Maybe? We surprised even ourselves by being postseason contenders in Coronation Era so far, but with the Mage Umpire alternating 2 of our players to make them worse hitters, we are left wanting. The alternation of Elijah is a particularly bitter blow, as our Offensive strength now hinges almost entirely on Justice Spoon. This, combined with our best defenders being Buried and on Rotation, makes it unclear how we will fair against the rest of our division going into Season 3*. We appreciate your estimations, but know that win or lose, we will vibe.

-elle, local friend and crab, lifeguard

5. Mexico City Wild Wings [-2]

Hubris Index: 2.36

In game 28, Baldwin Jones was incinerated, to be replaced by Baker Caster. Baldwin Jones (OPS 1.336) was replaced by Baker Caster (OPS 0.517). Baldwin Jones (Wings scored 9.2 runs per game) was replaced by Baker Caster (Wings scored 6.1 runs per game). Baldwin Jones (Wings went 23-5) was replaced by Baker Caster (Wings went 36-29).

In the elections, Baker Caster (OPS+ 62.8) was replaced by Atma Blueberry (Season 1 OPS+ 122.1). Atma’s no Baldwin, but they’re a lot better than Baker. The Wings keep having to work hard to not fall to earth like Icarus, but they still should have done enough to find themselves in the top third of the league.

–Spludge237

4. Charleston Shoe Thieves [-2]

Hubris Index: 1.31

A bolstered Kit Adamses is the only major change for the Thieves this offseason, and that suits Charleston just fine. This roster returns some of the top talent in ILB across the board, with a top 10 offense by OPS in Season 2, a top five ERA/FIP pitching staff that should only get better with Adamses’ newfound command, and the league’s best defensive player in Penelope Berkowitz patrolling the midfield.

Charleston needs to take a step forward against its main rivals, as it stumbled a bit when facing the Dale, Sunbeams and Flowers, their three biggest competitors in the Good conference against whom the Thieves went a combined 16-20. But that does mean they went 43-14 against the rest of ILB, so a few more close wins and clutch hits and we could see the Shoe Thieves be Dangerous in the Post Season once again in Season 3.

–Firewall Andrews

3. Boston Flowers [+8]

Hubris Index: 3.03

The Boston Flowers crashed their way into the Postseason, swept the Charleston Shoe Thieves, went to war with the Yellowstone Magic, and finally fell to the Hellmouth Sunbeams in an intense series that saw the first three games all end with a one-run differential.

Seeking to run it back, they’ve won the Strong Start Blessing, empowering their offensive capabilities. Their lineup now features four heavy hitting batters in a row, all with a BA of 0.3 or above – Duha Kamara (21st in Hits), Zack Sanders (2nd in Hits, 3rd in Doubles, 3rd in Triples, 3rd in Home Runs), Dervin Gorczyca (4th in Doubles,9th in Triples), and Zelda Highway (9th in Doubles, 29th in Triples).

For those keeping track, that means that three of the top 10 league leaders in Doubles are now batting directly one after the other, no longer held back by choke artists Skylar Khan and Jessica Telephone. Incidentally, Jessica Telephone, who now bats last for Boston, had a mere 0.242 BA in Season 2 but the 6th most Triples.

The Flowers aren’t a one trick pony either; they’re fifth or better by Average Stars in every single Skill Category. Scary.

The taste of victory still fresh, the Boston Flowers are hungry and determined. This time they may not be satisfied by a mere second-place finish.

–Kidror

2. Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams [-1]

Hubris Index: 4.24

The Sunbeams were estimated to win the second season’s championship and surprisingly did! Does this mean our curse is lifted? Well, no…but also yes? The Beams’ ridiculously high offense stayed the same all season as well as the election. None of the players got dropped on, incinerated, alternated or cursed, but we did gain a new player in Özlem Suttner during the last game vs the Flowers. Their Can’t Lose mod dropped when the Sunbeams won the championship, so Özlem will be staying with us, it seems. They’re a Sunbeam through and through with good batting and terrible defense. Welcome to the team!

Learn to Defend hit player Guozhi Ong. On the surface, the reroll may look bad. However, this could mean they’ll do less but do better at fielding. This would allow our better defender Cory Ross more fielding opportunities. That’s the only blessing that targeted the Sunbeam’s bad defense. But who cares though baby!! The best defense is the best offense. Plenty of matches against other teams ended in tight games with the Sunbeams out-scoring opponents by one or few runs. Can our offense still carry us or will our luck soon run out?

Overall, expect the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams performance to be the same in NEW Season 3. One thing’s guaranteed, we’ll definitely be seeing them again in the postseason.

–Hazel Cooper

1. Yellowstone Magic [+3]

Hubris Index: 1.78

After 26 painstaking seasons, the Yellowstone Magic has improved Pitching and Defense.

The NEW S2 Postseason pitching performance is never happening again.

We can’t throw the blame solely on Pippin Carpenter’s shoddy Game 3 performance; the whole rotation struggled. Magic’s pitching just didn’t have the Stuff needed to keep batters down. The only postseason teams to pitch more H/9 were the Atlantis Georgias, whom we won against because of bats, and the Sunbeams, who could outhit every team in the league. We had higher team WHIP and BAA than the rest of the semifinalists (Beams excluded), and it was inevitably Yellowstone’s downfall.

However, it’s over! Magic has improved Pitching and Defense, and (barring any weather-related horrors or terrible bandwagoners) the odds may have turned…

To back that up, we have what is arguable some of the most explosive bats in the ILB, or at least in the Evil League. In particular, Demet Cabrera and Kiki (Deliveries and Receiving) Avci are some of THE BEST lineup players in the league, and DeAndre O’Possum, with that magically disrupting apostrophe isn’t too shabby, either. Yellowstone semi-regularly ran up double digit runs on their opponents through Season CE2, expect that to continue.

This is the season, full HUBRIS mode, now is the time for Yellowstones epic heel turn. Magic Goo? No, MAGIC EVIL! MAGIC VIAL!

It’s OUR turn to be the bad guys. SPELLS OUT Yellowstone, let’s make the ILB fear us!

–Nate and Dan

The post Blaseball Season CE3 Power Ranking: Magic and Mayhem Edition appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Compiled by Cat Stlats

Season N1 gave us so much to consider, and not just stars and stats, but rules, regulations, and finally seeing how the game is going to be approached in this new era. With the season and finals in the books, it’s time for our seasonal Power Rankings, and what Power Rankings these are!

With the additional time available between seasons, our writers stepped up in every way, with networking out to more new contributors, a quality of analysis, and the largest number of power rankings ever submitted (TWENTY SEVEN)! Thank you everyone for that, you are all BNN. With that, a quick reminder that teams will be ranked by tiers, from Awful to Good, with a Hubris Index to show how much the writers agree (the lower the Hubris Index, the more the Writers agreed). All Estimations are the opinions of BNN and not stated as fact. That is, other than the Sunbeams, because this is the season of the Beams, and even Panama Dan knows it. This is your Season N2 Power Rankings, happy Blaseballing!

Awful

Chicago Firefighters

Hubris Index: 1.28

Listen, I’ve been with this team since Season 2 of Beta, so I’m going to level with you. The Firefighters don’t look good. They look maybe the worst they ever have. We came into Season N1 with amazing losing record, and quickly realized that we had two options: Improve, or Plateau.

In true Chicago fashion, we have had a third, worse answer thrust upon us: Get Worse. The [REDACTED] Houston Spies have delivered unto us Shaquille Torres, who, despite improving our batting by .2 stars overall, is still awful. This also extends the lineup so our semi-competent batters (citation needed) hit the ball even less.

Not to be dramatic, but Chicago is doomed. Our offense is bad, our defense is middling, our pitching is bad. We will pray again for blessings, but without Wills we simply have limited tools to enact change upon our team. For those of you with a sense of love and care in your hearts, I urge you to stop your reading here.

For those of you who are sickos like me, we can only pray that Season N2 brings with it a volley of Eclipse weather so we can roll these clowns again and pray for Wild Wings like results.

That’s Chicago Sports, baby!

–Riley H (@ChiBlaseball)

Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos

Hubris Index: 1.92

Last place in our subleague, thankfully Relegation doesn’t pass. We whiff on blessings to potentially improve two of the worst hitters in the league, Wanda Pothos and Moses Simmons. Wait no…Nigel Candy and Pernelongo al Wazir. There we go.

The best Taco pitcher (Sexton Wheeler, sorry I meant Tot Best) is slightly above average and would be last on some rotations in the league. Most of all we have Comfort Glover Yulia Skitter who would be much better suited at bat than on the mound and Patel Beyonce Jenkins Good who would be much better suited on the mound than at bat.

Overall, there is nothing NEW about the Tacos NEW Season 1 and the expectation is that our NEW Season 2 would be more of the same checks history book so, a slightly improved record but still one of the worst teams in the league according to this. Yeah, that seems correct.

–DeeJay

My esteemed colleague DeeJay’s assessment is mostly accurate, with one minor quibble: there’s no way the Tacos’ record is gonna improve.

–Benjy

Tokyo Lift

Hubris Index: 1.85

Lift bad.

After beating the firefighters to partytime and then playing like Hall to not be in the path of Relegation just in case, the Lift managed to win a blessing! Unfortunately, it’ll take more than one blessing to fix whatever’s happening in Tokyo, but fortunately we made our worst batter Red Hot, whatever that does. Suffice to say, we will be closer to party than parade for a long while.

-Spotter Pandora

New season, new universe, same party time host. I am inclined to say the Lift were robbed. I’d like to see what would happen if YOUR team played peak Mexico City 21 times!

Lift have a decent batting core with a few holes that fail to capitalize on opportunities. Pitching is fine. Gumdrop can’t seem to hold onto a ball to save their life. They aren’t the greatest team in the league, but Tokyo certainly isn’t the worst.

What the heck is a zone?

-Malst

New York Millennials

Hubris Index: 1.48

Nothing happened to the Millennials. Maybe that’s a good thing? Zephyr McCloud now “Cannot Lose”. Simon Haley went on a “Quest”. Terrell Bradley was Alternated. Former Firefighters Shadow and Wild Wings MVP Anastasia Isarobot was Incinerated.

From our first Season of the new Era, Ren Hunter was our top defender. Hernando Winter was our best hitter. Bennett Bluesky was our best pitcher. Best is relative, of course. This is a Team with a lot of work to do. Nothing happens to the Millennials.

The only element of note appears to be the potential recruitment of former Jazz Hand and brief Tiger (through a Feedback dance with Famous Owens at the Pocket’s LCD Soundsystem) Spears Rogers, who was seen falling to the Millennials/Lovers on Game 24.

Maybe Spears Rogers will be found.

Maybe Enhanced Party Time will arrive.

Maybe the Millennials will win a Blessing.

Maybe something will happen to the Millennials in Season N2.

–Clip Clipperson

Hades Tigers

Hubris Index: 2.89

Well, the team from WAY down under did not start off the NEW* era very well, finishing last in the second-worst division in Blaseball and posting an uncharacteristically poor record.

On the bright side, Mehdi Caper posted the best ERA in the league, Stevenson Heat is easily one of the best fielders in the league, and Zephyr McCloud had a solid power hitting season. In addition, the Tigers were lucky enough to have the best defense in terms of stats in the entire league!

On the not-so-bright side, the Tigers have three bad pitchers, some of the most atrocious hitting in the league, and are in a division with the Shoe Thieves, the defending champions who now have the best pitcher in the league, the Beams, who have far and away the best hitting in the league, the Crabs, who have the best batter in the league, and the Dale, a season N1 playoff team that improved some of their weaker players. And also the Pies, I guess.

In the election, the Tigers won the ‘Yeet’ blessing, sending their worst player, Eddie Tumblehome, into the black hole, or, uh, Philly I guess. The black hole supposedly burped out Frazier Tosser in return, but several sources have confirmed that he is buried under an inordinate amount of sand, and will need some time getting unburied. Plus, the opening of the book led to Zephyr McCloud gaining the modification ‘Can’t Lose,’ which means that he cannot lose. Surely this can only be a good thing! After all, nothing bad has ever happened to the Hades Tigers.

Expect more of the same in season N2 for the Tigers. At best they’ll do alright, at worst, uh oh. Fortunately, with some smart election planning and a little luck, the Tigers can start building their team around their stronger pieces like Caper, Jackson, and McCloud. It won’t happen right away, but success may not be far off for this NEW* Tigers team.

-benoak1999

One blind jump into the River Styx later and Hades comes out all the worse for wear in the conclusion of NEW Season One. I was really anxious about their future prospects. Boasting one of the highest defensive rosters in the league and an invaluable fielder in the form of Stevenson Heat, it looked like the Tigers were set to defend the gates of Taenarum with the fury of a wild animal. Yet within the same breath, the Tigers also showed off just how inoffensive their lineup really was. If it wasn’t for Zephyr McCloud, I don’t think the Tigers would have broken triple digit runs this season. In a particularly Ancient Grecian twist of fate, the very player that ended other teams’ offenses was also the ender of their own offensive pushes. And while the Trojan Wall of the Tiger’s defense was strong, it showed off some gaping, gift-horse sized holes in the form of Pitcher Elip Dean.

But we can’t focus on the negatives for long. Tigers don’t look back, and the future is – as always – hopeful. With Eddie Tumblehome yeeted into the darkest pit beyond time and space (Philadelphia), Frazier Tosser steps up sporting a can-do attitude and a dream. Their division got tougher, but strong bats can’t crack a solid foundation for the future. Only poor, uncharitable fate can unwind this stripe-laden team. Amaya Jackson and Mehdi Caper are two incredible pitchers, and Grit’s only 4 of 12 Labors away from becoming the hero that will drag the Tigers to victory. And there’s hope still, in Adrian Melon, Gloria Bugsnax, Clyde Fetch and Velasquez Alstott – all sporting OBPs over .200 (trust me, this is a big deal for the Tigers right now). Getting out of the trenches might feel like a Sisyphean task, but the Tigers have risen before. They’ll do it again.

Good offense gets you through the regular season. But good defense is what carries you through postseason. You’re 50% there, Tigers.

Hell, we haven’t even talked about the best part! Didn’t you see? Their best batter, Zephyr McCloud, can’t lose! So don’t worry. I’m sure Zephyr will lead their team to a perfect 90-0 season.

I’m sure of it.

–Nate

Canada Moist Talkers

Hubris Index: 2.16

Faced with a grueling slog of losses in the early season, Talker fans told each other “well, our defense is really good”. When faced with a grueling slog of losses in the mid-season, Talker fans told each other “like, the defense is solid though”. When faced with an improved performance in the late season, Talker fans – downcast, but no less moist – were found huddled in damp groups talking about “wind sprints” and “running” and “I mean the defense is good and we got Khulan Sagaba, there’s Eris Street, Haley, just, maybe next season if we can…”

But side by side with the pessimism and the desperate coping mechanisms, no Talker fan failed to appreciate Tad Seeth, no Talker fan failed to cheer whenever Tad the Lad, the great gross hope, stepped up to the plate. And no player failed to pitch and bat their way into the moist hearts of Talker fans. Great games were won against tournament favorites the Mexico City Wild Wings and whimpering games were lost against the New York Millennials. In the end, it was a mixed season but the stands were covered in spit – the sacred fluid flowed generously and with enthusiasm was given.

The future is bright for the Talkers, we say happy travels to Simon Haley as she embarks for the shadows on her Simon Quest, and with wide, wet eyes we stare at Abner Pothos in hope that their pitch be true in the coming season.

-misella

Mild

Ohio Worms

Hubris Index: 2.94

There are lots of inevitables in Blaseball. The fans will Open the Forbidden Book. The Mills will get knocked out in the 1st round of playoffs. The Mints “just need to fix their offense”. The Jazz Hands will have seasons of silence followed by intense tragedy.

And the Worms will always have a pitcher that personifies my hatred.

Oh, it didn’t start off that specific. The debut Worms S13 pitching staff was historic as a full unit: 70% more walks than any other team in history.

Then it was the “garbage dumping” seasons: S14 gave us the 1-13, 9.32 ERA NaN, who also brought the most discourse and conflict ever to be seen in Worms chat. S15 was 4-16 Luis Acevedo, with a bloated 9.9 walks in 9 innings. But all this was just a precursor, as my first true Beloathed was there the entire time, just below the surface. Like the worst of warts, the barest of threadbares … there was Patchwork Southwick.

Patchwork Southwick is somehow the Worms all-time Wins leader. That’s also good for the highest Franchise Win Leader Percentage for any leader of any franchise. And yet, Mr. Patchy’s Wild Ride is a manifestation of contradictions: A four time 20 game winner who lost EVERY important LateSeason and PostSeason game they started. An Underhanded pitcher who gave up a mountain of runs to walks & hits. Patchwork always managed to be “the second worst problem on a team with a few problems”. Anyone who has read my rantings on Twitter, Discord or here on BNN knows my antagonistic relationship with Patchy. Then, Blaseball was Nullified.

Yet the inevitable didn’t stop. Throughout the Short Circuits, the Worms always manage to have that one pitcher I focused my anger upon. 8.90 ERA Esmerelda McCollard getting the ball over 1.71 ERA Ashby Swandre in Gamma 3. Operation: Skip Yahya getting all the way to the finals, only to have the final game of the final series go to Yahya Jupiter (247 BB, 6.69 ERA) in Gamma 4.

Now, we enter the Coronation Era. When NaN fell on the 1st week of Fall Ball, I was concerned. NaN’s slot went to the Rotation, but he Received a replacement! A fresh name, a new face, a blank slate! Plus we had Winnie Hess! I declared in last week’s Power Rankings that, finally, after all this time … pitching was not the Worms’ problem. I declared the inevitable to be dead. Which, of course, was HUBRIS.

I give you the NEW* NaN, the Patchier Patchwork, The Ohno of Yahyas: Nathaniel Wilds.

3-15, 5.70 ERA (5th worst in ILB), 6.76 BB/9 (2nd worst in ILB).

How I hate them so, SO MUCH. These Worms will be TERRIBLE.

–Ifhbiff

Dallas Steaks

Hubris Index: 1.89

HAHAHAHA HUBRIS! I WAS RIGHT!!!! STEAKS ARE BAD. But not as bad as I thought.

Vanille Okidoke turns out to be the powerful pinch hitter of the beta Steaks dream, hitting a blistering 28 homers, putting them in second in the league. Abner Wood and Agan Espinoza round out the hard hitters with serious Ferocity of their own. The rest of the lineup, where it fails in batting prowess, seriously makes up in the defense. With the third best defense in the league and three whole 4 star defensive players, and a rotation not to shake a stick at, hey wait what’s Archie doing there?

Sandie Carver, Case Lancaster, and the other Agan (Harrison) are all star pitchers in their own right. Sandie is a strikeout machine with a truly tremendous strikeout to walk ratio of 28.5, 5th in the league! Case is our ERA leader, only allowing an average of 1.9 runs per game!! And Agan… Agan was our winningest pitcher (.500), as well as our WHIPiest pitcher with a walk and hit per inning average of 0.827, 25th in the league! Dovydas Peeps, our fourth pitcher, still holds their own, with a WHIP of 1.000. So who is tanking the rotation?

Archie Lampman. 15th worst ERA (4.8), only won 5 games, 1.4 homeruns per game, and the funniest stat for my favorite little guy, 1.2 strikeouts for every walk. Archie isn’t just a bad pitcher, they’re a Funny pitcher.

Okay so, it would definitely be easy to overestimate our team, especially since our schedule last week was so tough. However, with our former teammate Zephyr McCloud taking the heel position this era, I will take the hint and say Steaks Bad.

-Ophelia (@DallasSteaks)

San Francisco Lovers

Hubris Index: 2.32

Let’s start with the good: Erin Jesaulenko is easily one of the best pitchers in the ILB. Alvie Kesh, likewise, was among the best hitters in NEW Season 1—and not too shabby on the field either. Speaking of defense, Olive Patel put in the work for the Lovers this past season, fielding more than any other Lovers’ defender while breaking the top twenty league-wide in Outs Above Average.

Yet, despite these strengths, Lovers still have much work to do. With the exceptions of Kesh, Kingbird, and Baek, their lineup is struggling to keep pace with league averages, let alone truly shining. Kesh, tied for ninth in the league in dingers in N1, is in the key position to drive runners home and help the Lovers score big, but Schenn and Jang (and Kingbird) need to get on base to make it happen.

The Lovers’ bigger problem though is Durham Spaceman and Donia Dollie. Simply put, neither one knows how to pitch, and together they account for a depressing forty percent of Lovers’ games. Blimp Hardison and Joshua Watson aren’t exactly stellar pitchers either (though Spaceman and Dollie make both look good in comparison), leaving it to Jesaulenko and the fielders to somehow make up for deep holes in the rotation.

This season probably won’t be the Lovers’ finest, but it certainly won’t be the worst in the franchise’s history either. With a bit of luck and some key improvements, perhaps this season could be the start of an eventual journey to the top for the Lovers.

-boat

Philly Pies

Hubris Index: 2.21

After the first Season of the new era of Blaseball, it’s clear the Pies have lost a few steps. The Pies started the season tied for second-worst team, statistically, but thanks to some diamonds in the rough finished a respectable 14th in the league, and were in the hunt for a playoff spot right until the end.

Unfortunately, the Pies came up empty during the Election, and facing down a league that has only improved around them, the Pies are in for an uphill climb. More than ever, they’ll be leaning on ace pitchers like Marco Escobar and Steals Chark to pick up the slack.

This next season might be a Sisyphean struggle, and the team’s likely to slip in the rankings, but true flans know to never estimate the Pies. Hungry dogs run faster, and the Pies might just surprise you.

Now, if we could just get Eddie Tumblehome to leave the locker room and go back where he belongs…

-Slamdance

Houston Spies

Hubris Index: 2.36

Last week went all according to The Plan. A perfectly average team, nothing to see here. And, as planned, we have decided to go on strike. Placards are available in locker-

…Get a strike. My apologies. The Houston Spies are on Strike One. What does this mean? If you find ████ ████████ ██████ █████, ███████ █████ ████. As The Ticker once said: “Spies on strike? It’s in their blood.”

As for the team itself, the only change is Agent Bradley’s alternation at the hands of the █████████ Umpire. A much better defense, but will that make up for the lack of batting power?

Only one thing is clear. Spies ███.

-from the desk of agent kit

Miami Dale

Hubris Index: 2.83

Nothing Ever Bad Happens to the Florida Team. This week is no different than last week, We Wimdy’ed our way into NEW randomized Players which, in all honestly didn’t feel that new at all. Our 2.8612% got Alternates called for Edric Tosser (making them slightly better) Una Manhattan (making them slightly better) and Serge Shortvat (making them slightly less better). But the Dale Certified Funny Bit is Eddie Mulberry getting Alternated twice, thus making them… Just Normal Eddie Mulberry (with Two Alternates in their Player’s Card).

So you might be thinking, Hey “Scary”Gary, What does all that mean for the Dale? Well, dear reader, I am Glad you asked. It means DALE ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP, DALE WILL ETCH THEIR WINS AND LOSSES INTO THE GOLDEN RECORDS OF BLASEBALL (See Rule 3 Section S (Stands for Surge Shortvat, of the Dale) of the New Book). THE VIBES WILL BE IMMACULATE, THE PARTIES FANTASTIC, NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO THE FLORIDA TEAM.

–“Scary”Gary

Wild

Baltimore Crabs

Hubris Index: 1.65

The Crab knows where it ranks at all times. It knows this because it knows what rank it isn’t. By running from where it is to where it isn’t, or fielding where it isn’t from where it is (whichever is more important), it obtains a difference, or deviation. The Black-Hole-to-Crab psionic connection uses deviations to generate corrective team changes to move the Crab from a ranking where it is, to a ranking where it isn’t, and upon arriving at a rank it wasn’t, it now is. Consequently, the ranking that it was, is now the ranking that it isn’t.

In the event that the ranking that it is in is not the ranking that it wasn’t, the psionic connection has acquired a variation, the variation being the difference between what rank the Crab is, and what rank the Crab isn’t. If a variation is considered to be a significant factor, it too may be corrected by the Black Hole. However, the Crab must also know what rank it was.

The Black-Hole-to-Crab psionic connection scenario works as follows. Because Tiera Wigdoubt has modified some of the runs the Crab may obtain, it is not sure just what ranking it is. However, it is sure what ranking it isn’t, within reason, and it knows what ranking it was. It now subtracts what its ranking should be from what ranking it wasn’t, or vice-versa, and by differentiating this from the algebraic sum of what ranking it shouldn’t be, it is able to obtain the deviation and its variation, which is called hubris.

Thus, since the Crabs placed 13th in Season 1 (Crabs Bad), it stands to reason that the Crabs will be placed at least 11th in Season 2 (Crabs Good).

Expect this to flip-flop for the next six seasons.

–Nate

Boston Flowers

Hubris Index: 3.44

The Boston Flowers started off Season 1 looking Good. The team had one of the highest average Running and Vibes Stars in the League, and our pitching punched above its weight with two players, Spears Taylor and Amir Murphy showing up on the Strikeout Leaderboards on Day 23 in 1st and tied for 4th places respectively. The only thing that seemed to be missing was a solid batting core.

As the season went on it became clearer that the team was missing more than just a batting core – the team had more holes than an old wheelbarrow.

The lineup featured the second-worst JT in the league, amongst other notably bad hitters such as Kelvin Drumsolo. Our fielding was awkward with Jenkins Ingram eagerly fielding everything they could, even though they shouldn’t. Meanwhile Jessica Telephone stood around instead of using her high Magnet to score Outs. As the Days went on our pitchers started to fall off the leaderboards, as they couldn’t make up for the weaknesses in our batting or fielding, and we ultimately failed to make the Postseason.

Things weren’t all bad however, Zack Sanders ended up hitting the second-most doubles in the league AND hit the most triples.

The Boston Flowers were in desperate need of some tender love and care, and by god did they get it during the Election. We won the NEW Team Boost Blessing, boosting our entire teams Stars by 0.5, causing us to leapfrog many teams in average star counts.

The new and improved Boston Flowers now have the second-highest Running and the second-highest Pitching in the League, which is backed up by the highest Vibes across both the Lineup and the Rotation!

You best keep an eye on the Boston Flowers this Season as they’re sure to shoot into the top of the standings. Assuming we don’t get as Incinerated as hard as in the Discpline Era, of course.

–Kidror

Broken Ridge Jazz Hands

Hubris Index: 2.29

In every universe, every short circuit, every fresh roll, the Jazz Hands have had terrible to bad pitching. Standouts like Wyatt Pothos & August Sky are but two aces in a sea of walks and earned runs.

That has finally changed for the Hands. After winning the pitching blessing they have gone from dead last pitching to middling. A feat so horrifying to the Sim that the very gods had to destroy our beloved mountain.

With a strong core offense and average arms the Jazz have achieved a dream. Should be about on par with the Friday’s fresh rolls now.

-Malst

Hellmouths Open

Ridges Broken

Jazz waits for no man or god

We are coming.

-deafhobbit

Core Mechanics

Hubris Index: 2.26

“What do you mean I have to get out there and do the Power Rankings Core blurb? How did you even find me, it’s been years?! I’m not going out there, HAVE YOU SEEN THE FOUR SUN UMPS?! Not to mention the time travel shenanigans…fine alright, I’ll do it.”

The Core Mechanics have finished the first season of the ‘Coronation Era’ of Blaseball in 2nd place in the Awful Evil Division, missing out on the playoffs by four games to the Seattle Garages. Overall, it was a solid performance throughout the season with a late comeback to put us in playoff contention in the final few games.

The Mechs have found an early star within batter Sheri Friday who established themselves as one of the sport’s top batters this season. And, with potential future stars such as fan favourite pitcher Chorby Short, waiting in the wings aiming to make a huge impact for the team in the future.

That’s where we find the Mechanics, in “maintenance mode”. The Strong Start blessing from the Election allows the team to begin addressing their batting issues and lay the groundwork for future improvements. The team’s pitching in reality has been better than what their ILB Stars Rating would indicate, and overall, the team has no glaring weaknesses that need fundamentally addressing.

But, despite this, the Mechanics will likely just barely miss out again on a playoff place, given the improvements across the Evil League.

However, if the Mechanics proved anything after descending during the Expansion Era, it was their ability to compete within the playoffs, lifting two Championship titles within only five playoff appearances. Now, competing with the potential for their 6th ILB Championship title and entry into the Tournament of Champions, they are a team not to be written off lightly during this era.

-CraftedRobot

Hawai’i Fridays

Hubris Index: 3.12

Usually, the Hawai’i Fridays survive on vibes alone. A historically chill team on a mission to speedrun Party Time rather than vie for the playoffs, the Fridays rarely survive to the postseason. But armed with back to back batting duo Justice Spoon and Elijah Valenzuela, the Fridays beat out the Yellowstone Magic and overtook the Seattle Garages to be the #3 seed in the Awful Conference. Sure, they got swept 0-3 by the Georgias in the quarterfinals, but their record in the second half of the season was a strong performance we haven’t seen from the Fridays since the Discipline era. Far exceeding their 0.500 goal, days 60 through 90 saw the Fridays play with a 27-3 record—including a 15 win streak—raising their season record to 0.644. The Fridays even held their own against the season leader, the Wild Wings, to win a game with Anastasia Isarobot (may they rest in violence) at the mound.

Looking forward to season 2, the Fridays earned the Shore Up blessing with approximately 10% of the vote, boosting pitcher Svetlana Dickens’s Stealth (Running) by 5 stars. Though this does little to help her in the pitching rotation, you never know what position you’ll find yourself playing in blaseball! An unusually strong NEW* Season 1 Fall Ball showing spells a potential end to the Fridays’ consistent mediocrity, but fans will be relaxing on island time regardless of their teams performance in the Coronation Era seasons to come.

As a new fan, I’m happy to get acquainted with our new players and see what they have to show. Most diehard longtime Fridays fans are happy to have Elijah Valenzuela back and hope he can take on the Coronation Era with the same anti-establishment enthusiasm that has defined the rest of his blaseball career.

For now, we’re all staying tuned to see what the umpires throw at us in the offseason!

–Kaz

Seattle Garages

Hubris Index: 2.97

Guess whose Thwack in the house
Flannels flip-flappin’ about
Fine, fresh, hitting ’em, bats to 11
Our logline, ”Punks small-ballin'”
Other teams sweatin’
It’s tens on the scoreboard with no doubt
Triples like WOW!
Doubles ’bout to end this drought
Singles so plentiful, what hole in left field?
Should be criminal
Why defend when our hits are this loud?
…
Now they call…
Us…
Thwackers…

-incognito8, with no apologies to RuPaul

The Garages are once again postseason hopefuls in NEW Season 2. Last season the team was Sitting at a Troubled Medium (-P.S Eliot) of the extremely competitive Chaotic Evil division. The question on every fan’s mind: Can 1 star of Thwack make up for the Garages’ shortcomings during Season 1? The Magic are sprinting ahead and while the Wild Wings might be down, they’re certainly not out of the picture.

Does the team’s improved offense make up for the hole in the left field, or pitchers like Timmy Vine who just can’t seem to manage a good parking job? Can the Garages’ defense keep up with other offensive teams or will they be running Circles ‘Round the Moon(-Nana Grizol)? Will our friendship with the Yellowstone Magic be destroyed by bitter intra division rivalry? I know the answer to one of the questions: Never, park-park it besties.

Questions abound. All I can say for certain is, I’m excited to see some more Positive Contact(-Deltron 3030) from rising stars Chambers Simmons and Deion Gamage.

-Vivi and incognito8

Good

Atlantis Georgias

Hubris Index: 2.02

If historic precedent is any indication, one thing remained true going into this era, which is that the Georgias continue to be completely ignored by the Blaseball Gods. The Georgias managed to avoid any and all consequences from the Forbidden Book opening, but they also won exactly Zero blessings in the election, which instead ended up in the hands of teams they were already competitive with, like the Sunbeams, Shoe Thieves, and Mechanics.

For what it’s worth, I think the Georgias are still gonna be pretty good in Season 2. Nothing has changed about them since the last season, where the Georgias were among the best teams in the league. With batting talent like Mckinney Vaughan and Juan Murphy, and a rotation that would be consistently good if not for Justin Alstott, the Georgias remain one of the league’s most well-rounded teams.

Compared to other top contenders, however, the Georgias don’t have a lot that especially stands out, which ultimately I think will be their downfall. That, or their downfall will be inclement weather. The Georgias have never been one of the league’s luckiest teams. Who knows when one of their star players will be incinerated, or worse, banished to the shadows by a falling Knight Triumphant.

Expect good things from the Georgias in Season 2, just don’t expect one of those things to be a championship.

–jasmine

Kansas City Breath Mints

Hubris Index 1.87

The Coronation Era started off fantastically for the Breath Mints.

Landing in Chaotic Good – by far the weakest division – we made it into the Postseason unchallenged off the back of a top tier Rotation featuring League best pitcher Plums Blather, and an albeit mediocre offense (the more things change, the more they stay the same). Despite its mediocrity, our lineup still featured stars such as League Home Run Leader Stretch Sutton and defensive powerhouse Brooklyn “The Rock” Nottingham.

We lost to the eventual Season 1 Champions the Charleston Shoe Thieves in the Quarter Finals, making us arguably the second best team in the League by the end of the Season.

Naturally, the Breath Mints’ extreme organization came together for the election, resulting in us winning the Yeet blessing and ejecting offensive anchor Jesse Tredwell into the Black Ho-

We didn’t win Yeet? Okay, then Jesse was shadowed by Shadow Play right? We didn’t win that either? What DID we win?

Nothing? But then that would mean that Jesse Tredwell is still on the team.

Where’s Revoke? Where’s Move? I’ll even take a Foreshadow or an Alternate at this point. I miss Wills.

Regardless, the Breath Mints are still goo and will remain a top contender going into Season 2.

–Kidror

Yellowstone Magic

Hubris Index: 2.32

The first season of The Coronation Era brought some stellar vibes and energy to Yellowstone, from opening up with some Friday Night Magic alongside the Hawaii Fridays to the returning Inky Rutledge leading our lineup. Seeing ILB leading stellar slugger Kiki Avci spring to life was awe-inspiring, and well-known rat, Rat Mason, showed some serious chops thanks to his unreal levels of guile.

There were truly shining moments for many players on the roster as a whole, which unfortunately ran into some serious trouble spots in the form of the ILB Champion Mexico City, Baltimore, and Canada. The last two of which seemingly had Yellowstone’s number despite less than stellar performances against other teams. Season N2 for Yellowstone is already looking WAY uppie, and not just because the extra stars for the Lineup from elections. There is, however, something else that Yellowstone can do, right now, to secure an all more assured victory in New Season 2.

They get out the shovels.

Why, you ask? Because life’s a garden, and you gotta dig it, and what better to dig out of any garden than one of the greatest Boston Flowers players of all time, Jacob “Just a Guy” Haynes. During a game this season in the Park Park, Jacob Haynes fell from the Black Hole without striking a player, and thus was buried without entering any shadows. That’s right, 5.6 star former amazing slugger and possibly the worst base stealer ever, Jacob Haynes.

Following in the fate-ladened footsteps of King Weatherman from Season 12, Jacob would be a stellar addition to a lineup ready to pop off with the consistent home run and on base power that he brings. On top of that, it’s vital to remember that Jacob’s JUST a guy. He’s a frighteningly normal dude who can hold his own against the supernatural and magical on a daily basis. He wakes up in the morning, gets his Dunks, and gets to training, every day of the week. His excessively normal nature is part of where his power comes from, instead of eldritch or mechanical might, he embraces the extreme of being common, every day, even average. What would be a better complement to some of the most magically astute wizards, witches, and squid(s)?

To be clear, however, we have no idea where he’s ACTUALLY buried, but what the heck, why not.

So start digging up the Park Park on a gamble, we’ve got a Jacob to find, and while you’re at it, maybe blast JUST A GUY a time or two, just for good measure.

–Dan Hahn

Help me, I’m so scared, I was told Magic was 5th in the Evil Conference, so I went on a [LEGALLY ACQUIRED DRUG]-fueled bender and ended up 6 miles deep into Yellowstone National park. When I awoke with a fright, I stumbled and crawled my way through dense forest, rocky crags, and wet water, until I finally made it to the gate out of here. as I gasped and raced towards my freedom, I was stopped by an imposing figure. It was Demet Cabrera. They were 18 feet tall (the equivalent of their current star count) and spoke in a voice that shattered stone. I can’t quite recall what they said because my ears ruptured from the decibels they were belting out, but it was probably something about needing a pass. I do not have a pass, so now I am not allowed out. There was also something about a fine but I don’t have any money, so I had to go back the way I came.

How the hell did I get in, and how the hell do I get out? Did I wake up in a new dimension? Why is everyone telling me “Magic has the highest defense rating in the League”? Someone else has to handle what’s going on with the Magic, because I’ve clearly woken up on the wrong side of reality. What ever happened to All Bats Just Right Yellowstone Blaseball?

–Nate

Mexico City Wild Wings

Hubris Index: 1.02

I went to Asastasia Isarobot’s funeral today.

I mean, I’m paid to, it’s literally my job, but also I wanted to. This version of the team has only existed for such a short time, but already you could see a league powerhouse forming. There’s hitting here for days; Katja Twain is a highlight, but Letitia Diop and Baldwin Jones are no slouches. But Anastasia’s loss hurts, both in the way that the sudden loss of a friend, a teammate, a leader hurts, and also specifically in the way that there were a lot of wins Anastasia pitched, and it’s an open question how many of those Göran Ndoye can replace.

The good news for the Wings is that I was speaking to James Boy at the funeral, and they said that they have completely recovered from being struck by Carter O’Conner falling at near-terminal velocity from the black hole in Game 12 and should be returning to the line-up this season. We in the Wild Wings Press Box all wish Atma Blueberry and Fletcher Peck a speedy recovery from being hit by Jefferson De La Cruz and Yusef Puddles respectively.

It’s hard to predict what this roster turmoil will ultimately mean for this team; by first appearances they will be a worse team than last season, but depending on how severe that dropoff is, a worse team than last season could still be one of the top teams in the league. But as I am often reminded, the league is unpredictable and disaster could strike any team at any time.

After all, I went to Asatasia Isarobot’s funeral today. Rest in Violence.

-Spludge237

Charleston Shoe Thieves

Hubris Index: 1.15

Yes, the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams have seen their hitting boosted across the board, adding more power to an already potent lineup. They will be hard to beat. But you beat offense with good pitching and defense, and the Shoe Thieves have both in abundance.

Charleston finished with the best ERA in ILB in Season 1 of what is now the Coronation Era, fueled by a top-five K/BB ratio and the best hit suppression in the league. They’ve added a perfect pitcher via the election process in Derrick Krueger, whose scouting report suggests will slot in as an ace ahead of already amazing pitchers in Kathy Matthews and Premjeet Liu to form a trio of nearly unbeatable arms in the rotation for Charleston.

If the ball does go into play, the best defense in Blaseball will be waiting, led by Penelope Berkowitz, will be there to take away hits other teams would allow.

The offense, featuring Jammy Decksetter and Fish Summer, is more than good enough, ranking in the Top 10 in my predictive OPS+ metric heading into Season 2. This is a team without a weakness and ready to upset the overwhelming favorite Sunbeams and claim two straight championships.

-Firewall Andrews

Hellmouth Sunbeams

Hubris Index: 0.42

Hoo boy. Oh man. Panama Dan, you’re in it now. Okay, deep breath, you gotta do this, you’re just gonna have to do this, go home, and take your lumps.

In the preseason, I flatly refused to estimate the Sunbeams. I’ll do it, I’m not afraid of it, but I gotta have data to back me up. Well, now I have data, and the only thing I can do is directly estimate the Sunbeams.

And I am forced, as I am sure many of my colleagues are, to directly estimate the Sunbeams as the odds on favorites going into the next season. The Sunbeams batting squad, freshly juiced off of the Batter Boost blessing, looks to be completely unstoppable headed into season 2. Even the new best batter on the Crabs, Tiara Wigdoubt, can’t compete with some of these Boosted Beams. In an Awful Good that was already the most competitive division at the top, almost every team improved,. But despite the Shoe Thieves gaining Derrick Kreuger and the Crabs with the aforementioned Tiana, none of this compares to the impact of a full star amongst an entire batting lineup.

With the Wild Wings getting worse due to the loss of their star pitcher and batter, It’s hard to see who can compete with the Sunbeams for the regular season record.

These aren’t even your Sunbeams of old. Dunn Keyes and Mooney Doctor are legitimate pitching threats, probably in the top 10 of all pitchers, and the Sunbeams defense, while bad, isn’t the catastrophic liability it was in Beta.

But, as with all flights, and as the Beams are prone to do, is this just flying too close to the sun? Is this season 11, where the Sunbeams launched into the stratosphere and couldn’t be stopped, or season 13, where the Beams inexplicably crash down to earth despite getting demonstrably better.

It remains to be seen, but without the gift (or curse) of prophecy, this reporter has only one choice, in their estimation.

Sunbeams #1.

–Panama Dan

Imagine you are in a desert and come across a cube. How large is it? What is it made of? How round is it?

Now, you see a ladder. What material is it made of? How tall is it? Is it above the cube, next to it, on the ground, or where else? How far down does it lead?

Then, picture a horse. Where is it? What is it doing? How many legs does it have? How threatening is it?

Next, picture flowers. How many do you see? What kinds of flowers are they? What do their roots burrow into, thin plant strands gently choking…what? And how long ago did it die?

Finally, a thunderstorm begins. How violent is it? How far away is the lightning? How powerful is the thunder which comes after? What’s raining down on you, and why do you immediately seek shelter? What colour is the sky, and why is there no word for it?

…

The cube is you! You are the Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams. It’s large because you are a strong and confident team, coming off a great season and an even better offseason. It’s floating because you plan to soar above the rest of the division, carried by the immense power of your offense. It’s made of glass, because your defense sucks ass. But that’s okay.

The ladder is your division! Chaotic Good is a deep dark hole where you, the most dangerous team in the postseason, the team who wants a ring the hardest despite the game being rigged against them, the ILB’s most consistently successful team from way down under, the greatest team in Blaseball history and the Baltimore Crabs try to shiv each other in the dark. And there’s only so much space on that ladder, and the blood makes it slick and slippery…

The horse is a symbol of your ideal self! That’s why it has many legs, with many human hands that can hold many, many bats.

Flowers signify your legacy! They’re bright yellow sunflowers, rings of gold representing the many you are expected to win, growing on the corpse of your previous, unestimatable, self.

The thunderstorm reveals your fears! It’s directly in front of you, hanging over your clear future, and it drizzles down shoelaces. Because all the bats in the world may not matter if you can’t hit the ball into play…

-Dargo

The post The Return(s): Season N2 Blaseball Power Rankings appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Blaseball is back.

The only thing we know for sure is that everything about Blaseball will be different in the new era. But that won’t stop our stats-hungry contributors from ranking the teams, along with introducing themselves and their favorite players. As you’re about to see, the teams are now ranked in tiers, from Awful to Good. Happy timezone, splorts fans.

Awful

Mexico City Wild Wings

The press box at the Bucket, home of the Mexico City Wild Wings lies still in the darkness. Beckoning. With a start, light starts pouring in through the window of the box as the stadium floodlights flare into life, a sudden presence in the dark nothingness. As the room illuminates, a figure that had gone unnoticed by stadium security in the long, long offseason stirs. As it lifts its head, it becomes readily apparent that it is Spludge237, Wings beat reporter-for-hire.

Wha… where am I? Last thing I remember, I was covering a game in Boston, and there was this terrible void in the sky… Dios del cielo, what happened?

Pull yourself together, Spludge. Right you’re here in the press box, it’s the Bucket, so you’re home, it’s… a time. Programme, I need a game programme. Right, so it’s before game… 1? Man, my preview column is surely overdue now. Ok, page 5ish for the roster, and… who are these players? Why haven’t I heard of them? Why are there no entries in their career stats? Can management really be expecting to play a team consisting entirely of rookies? I mean, with a team like that, anything can happen…

The electronic scoreboards, advertising hoardings, and other displays start coming to life, each showing the calibration image; Pase Lo Que Pase, the slogan of the Mexico City Wild Wings. In his mind, Spludge237 hears the crowd roaring the chant: Anything Can Happen! Anything Will Happen! Anything Has Happened! A smile starts spreading across his face.

I guess that means we’re back. Play blall.

–Spludge237

Atlantis Georgias

If historic precedent is any indication, one thing will remain true going into the next era, which is that the Hubris Cycle will be running as strong as ever. The Georgias will win a game, and we’ll claim we’re the best team in the league. Then we will lose a game, and claim we’re the worst team to ever play Blaseball, ever. We will end the season with a middling-to-bad record, go absolutely wild on Saturday night, and then proceed to win no blessings in the election. Same as it ever was.

Look, I can’t tell you how good these Georgias are gonna play. Most of these players have hardly played any Blaseball in their lives, so it’s hard to be optimistic, but who knows! Maybe this fresh talent is what the league needs. Probably not. They’ll probably just get their asses whipped by people that actually know how to play the game. Beck Whitney seems pretty experienced, but we’ve already death-flagged her, so she’s probably not lasting very long.

But hey, it could be worse. It’s not like we have anyone as bad as Knight Triumphant dragging us down.

–jasmine

Canada Moist Talkers

(note: Fact checkers have found the numbers in this message to be based on pure random guesswork. No forbidden research was done in the making of this prediction.)

The Falls really shook things up for the Talkers, and not in a good way. With leadoff hitter and former 4.4 star batter Paula Reddick chopped up by the new stats system, they’ll have a hard time Thriving or Surviving with both stats under 5. Having by far the lowest Thwack on the team with 1.2, Donna Milcic is set for a rough start as well.

Luckily some stat changes are in their favour, and with the new pitching ace Tad Seeth empowered by an incredible 14.4 Control, the Talkers are going to be a defensive wall when they’re on the mound.

Even with new stats, baserunning is not in the cards for the MTs with old man Pothos being the only one who can move it on base. His stealth of 7.2 is nothing to write home about, but with a hustle of 11.3, at least the whole team won’t be moist walkers, amirite?

The team’s offense is going to lean heavily on Slugger’s 10.7 reflex and 12.6 ferocity to drive home those dingers. But with two pitchers having a Vision score of under 1, it doesn’t look like the Talkers will be able to rely on consistent pitching. Hopefully the introduction of fielding will make the difference in keeping the Talkers away from the new relegation mechanic.

-Maude R. Ation

Dallas Steaks

BLASEBALL IS BACK BABY AND THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!!!! Steaks Bad!!!!!!!! insert gif of alarm bells going off in celebration

With a roster filled to the brim with meat puns, a baby, and both Agans, the Steaks can be certain that this upcoming season will be sensational, if not a little silly.

–Ophelia

Kansas City Breath Mints

We just need to fix the mints offense/defense. Possibly both. I’ll let you know in next week’s blurb.

Also, happy birthday Conrad Twelve!

-Finn

-Dargo (Dargo4#2798)

San Francisco Lovers

There are only 25 blimps in the world and the ILB’s blimp is BACK in SF. Can this new crew successfully manage to steer the Lovers’ airship to victory? There is potential!

With an underrated amount of experience coming through Joshua Watson, Wanda Schenn, Durham Spaceman and Mordecai Kingbird the Lovers seem to have moved from the superstar-led roster. No longer is the team top heavy with focal points of Don Mitchell, Yosh Carpenter or Knight Triumphant but a well-mixed balance of experience and fresh talent.

San Francisco has the least wear and tear on their players, which can lead to incredible growth from newcomers Alvie Kesh, Patel Olive, Kiki Junior Jr. and Donia Dollie. A lot of potential, this team can go all the way.

–DeeJay

Mild

Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos

After an entire era of having the LA Unlimited Tacos roster be full with with overlapping names, a similar theme emerged in the building of the Fall Ball Roster. No longer are the tacos the team of multiple Rats, Basilios, Sasquatches and more obviously Wyatts or Masons. We are the team full of “no not that one”.

Like one on the hunt for a Koy Detmer autograph and getting stuck with Ty instead, the Taco roster is full of players who share their names with more established former stars.

Superstar hitter Rai Spliff? Nope, get golden glove hopeful Cedric. Taco shadow returning Jeb Kranch? Nope, get captain Allan. Sun killer Tot Fox or superb base stealer Forrest Best? What if they merge! Get Tot Best! Incredible pitcher and champion Dunlap Figueroa? Close, you get incredible pitcher and playoff choker Elvis.

With these players alongside players with very little wear and tear on them like Yulia Skitter and Donia Bailey, it seems like the infinite cities are prime for the rebuild.

–DeeJay

Tokyo Lift

Old fans of Blaseball, such as myself, remember names like Juice Collins, Silivia Rugrat and Farrell Seagull as stars of the league from an era long lost and mostly forgotten. They have fallen to Tokyo to provide a bit of a boost to a franchise that joined the ILB in Season 11 and went on to claim Victory in Season 19, but mostly because of the strange rules of that regular season which turned Wins into Unwins.

After that, things get quite hazy with underbrackets and overbrackets, but all you need to know is: The Lift used to be not great, and everything we know about the roster so far suggests another slow start for the league’s most Swole team.

As for the returning players, Collins was a career Fridays hitter since records have been kept, serving as a below-average hitter with a good amount of speed on the bases. Seagull bounced around the league but came to fame with the Garages and Pies in the Discipline Era, where they would go over 100 hits in a season for seven straight campaigns before a disastrous move to the Worms. Rugrat was a long-time member of the Wild Wings and served as a fantastic pitcher, a position that they should hopefully get a chance to play again. With almost 4000 career strikeouts and only 266 walks allowed, Rugrat is the one player who could launch the Lift to the top of their weight class in the upcoming season if they land at the right position.

But otherwise, there’s not a lot of known star power on this squad, so fans in Tokyo should be ready to vote to Change their roster in the coming seasons to adjust for the new era of Blaseball.

–Firewall Andrews

Chicago Firefighters

I was unsure of how to power rank the Chicago Firefighters, so I tried to consult some witches, but instead of answering they said that I would become the King of Scotland and my buddy’s kids would become the King after me before disappearing. Then the King made me Thane of Crawdor and I’m like ‘I don’t even know where that is, are the Firefighters are going to be good this season’ but then my wife says I need to kill the king to get the throne, and then the King says he’s going to my castle at Inverness??? Anyway, this has gotten out of hand so I decide to go to bed but my wife wakes me up and says ‘Hey go kill the king’ and at this point I’m in no place to argue so I stab him, and figure I should get out of dodge but then this Macduff guy shows up and then two other guys flee, and everyone blames those dudes for the murder and I’m now King of Scotland.

And I figure now that I’m on the throne I can finally figure out if the Chicago Firefighters are going to be good or not but then my wife tells me I have to ‘take care of Banquo and his sons’ and I’m like ‘okay send some guys.’ But then she meant it in a ‘kill them dead’ kind of way so now Banquo’s ghost is hanging out when I’m trying to ask about the Firefighters and also they missed one of his sons so like that’ll bite me later. Anyway, I decide ‘I’m gonna try the witches again’ but they just tell me some cryptic stuff about trees and also not to fear anyone born of a woman and I’m like ‘This is a weirdly specific warning I just want to know if Karato Rangel can supplement the defense’ but they just said ‘Beware the thane of Fife’ and now I’m pissed and trying to get any kind of statistical information on this Blaseball Team but then it turns out A. Macduff is trying to take over my castle with Malcolm’s army and B. My wife is dead, and it’s at this point I remember that I don’t even *have* a wife.

So anyway the army does some forest camouflage and Macduff kills me because of some weird medical loophole. But as I laid there dying, I figured I might as well give one last shot to the whole power ranking thing, and ask Macduff if he knows if the Chicago Firefighters will be any good.

And MacDuff stared at me and said “They will be just so-so. Nerd Pacheco cannot lead the offense effectively but the holes are somewhat patched up by Don Elliot and Frankie Incarnate. However their pitching leaves a lot to be desired.”

And then I died, knowing that the Chicago Firefighters will be mediocre tomorrow. And Tomorrow. And Tomorrow.

–Chicago Firefighters Raiden, Ex-King of Scotland, Current Ghost

Philly Pies

Philly Pies general manager Hoagie Schuylkill proudly waited outside the visiting locker room after the final out to give Steals Chark and the players on her victorious new-look team an appreciative fist pound on Monday afternoon.

Midflanker Thomas Marsh yelled out, “There you go! There you go.” Pitcher Chet Takahashi gave a look of pleasant surprise. Guard Marco Escobar yelled out, “We got an [expletive] squad now.” And before Chark hit the locker room door, former Blaseball great Eduardo Woodman hugged her and said, “Y’all look so different.”

“At the end of the day, I like being around players that want to win and work hard,” Chark said. “I know I demand a lot of excellence in my teammates. I demand it out of myself, too. On the road, we are going to play as well as we can and put ourselves in contention to compete for another championship. And that’s my mindset.”

-Pyers

Seattle Garages

What do you get when you take four rookies, three decent pitchers, a reverberating baby, a cat with excellently timed purring and a walk-lovin’ dragon?

…THE REMIX!!

Rebrand the band, baby!

–Ifh-biff

Hades Tigers

As we return to the illustrious and genre-breaking game that is Blaseball here in the near future, the Hades Tigers have to contend, like every team, with reforming their roster after The Fall. While a vast majority of the hot new Tigers roster is a scattering of talent from across the league, one name stands out as a day one Tiger in the form of Elip Dean.

Despite lurking in the shadows from the beginning of the Discipline Era, Dean has lived through and brings experience from the Tigers powerhouse glory days of not just league championships, but ILB championships and postseason appearances. Even through the Expansion Era, where the Tigers saw fewer Finals appearances, there were still many a postseason showing for Dean to quietly tuck under their belt of experience for just this occasion.

That new lineup is a packed one, from new players fresh from the shadows and shelves, to some true veterans of the Blaseball world:
Elip Dean – Returning from the Tigers’ Shadows
Zephy McCloud – Formerly on the Steaks
Amaya Jackson – Formerly on the Lovers’ Shadows
Stephenson Heat – Formerly on the Fridays
Grit Freeman – Newly Fallen
Velasquez Alstott – Formerly on the Shoe Thieves
Steals Mondegreen – Formerly on the Lift and Firefighters
Gloria Bugsnax – Formerly on the Flowers

Certainly some of these names stand out as major players in previous Eras. Alstott, a power hitter from the Shoe Thieves, has been around since the very beginning of the Discipline Era and has been a part of many a clutch play. Complementing Alstott is Gloria Bugsnax, who grew from the incineration of Flowers player Matheo Carpenter in Season 4 as a bud to a powerful batter and fielder, always accompanied by Flowers fans shouting CHOMP! There’s also Zephyr McCloud, formerly of the Steaks, and Stevenson Heat, a well known and loved Fridays player, both of which knew how to swing a swatter with the best of them, especially McCloud who ended the Expansion Era with a whopping 9.4 stars in batting.

Rounding out the new roster are a host of new or lesser known players, eager to prove themselves. Jackson is still fresh out of the Lovers’ shadows and never saw active play. Mondegreen, who held up alright defensively for the Lift but was never a major force, is speculated to be a solid addition. Finishing the fresh bloods is Grit Freeman, who only freshly fell into Blaseball, crowbar in hand and eager to swing away. The big question is, will Elip Dean have the chops and mettle to turn this ragtag bunch into a cohesive lineup for this new Tigers era?

The Devil’s in the details, and we’re eager to see what this new generation fresh out of Hades has to offer. Always look forward, Never Look Back.

–Dan Hahn

Wild

New York Millennials

Looks like Blaseball has Fallen mostly into place, so it’s time to speculate (same as it ever was). Based on Season 24, these new New York Millennials are a mixed bag. Bennett Bluesky was a talented Spies pitcher, often part of their condensed Rotation. Ren Hunter was a Discipline Era slugging marvel, though a Redaction, Attraction, subsequent Alternation, and trip through a Black Hole have maybe spaghettified the only returning Millennial. Jonathan Catalina was a very late era Lovers prospect, with a well rounded line of stats. Ryuji Ngozi had a brief five-game appearance for Kansas City before they were sent back to the Shadows. Hernando Winter, Stan Schenn, and Jana Beats comprise three rookies making their debuts, originating from Breckenridge, Philly, and Tokyo respectively. Bottles Suljak and Mira Lemma made waves with their appearance as part of the S12 Core Mechanics, though Expansion Era power creep left these two behind. Peanutiel Duffy rounds out the ten-strong roster, a historically very good Player, originating from the old Mills’ rivals, the Hades Tigers, and later the Chicago Firefighters (rivals of a different nature, from time shenanigans to Blood Bath Avoidance).

I predict that without Sandie Turner’s power level setting a pattern that seemed to replicate the Mills’ success (or lack thereof), these new Millennials will have to figure out their own traditions. With no as of yet confirmed “pitcher” or “rotation”, judging from Season 24 statistics, Bennett Bluesky and Mira Lemma seem to be the best choices for such a role, though as we have now been made all-aware, the Front Office makes its own decisions. The only constants in Blaseball in New York is that the Millennials will show up fifteen minutes late with coffee, and they will perform adequately.

Goodbye to the old Millennials, many scattered throughout the League, many still trapped within the vacuum above.

Hello to the new Millennials, who we will continue to cheer, jeer, construct confusing bits about, and get to the Playoffs with only to be unceremoniously kicked back out in Round 1.

Let’s go, Mills. Baby. Love Da Mills.

–Clip Clipperson

Houston Spies

■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■ Mason IV ■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■. ■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■ Grackle ■■■■■■■■ ■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■, ■■ ■■■■■■■■ Javier ■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■. ■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■Nava ■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■, ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■ Ramsey ■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■, ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ Rosa, ■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■. ■■■■ Bradley ■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■, ■■■■■■ ■■■ ■■, ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■. ■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ Franklin ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■. ■■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■ ■ ■■■■■■■■ ■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■■. ■■■■■■■ Yuniesky ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■■■. ■■■ ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■. ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■, ■■■■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ ■■. ■■■■■■■■ Deleuze ■■■■ ■■■■■■, ■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■■ ■■■, ■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■. ■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■ ■■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■■.

Spies ■■■.

-from the desk of agent kit (lowercase)

Core Mechanics

Look. Ya take the new Mechs: you’ve got what, Jolene Willowtree (ed: Jolene Willowtree did not fall) …You’ve got, uh, Zoey Kirchner? (ed: Zoey Kirchner also did not fall) OK, you’ve got Shirai McElroy and Mindy Kugel – (ed: Mindy’s on the Mints now)

You’re telling me the Mechs can’t pitch? The Mechs? Pitching? That’s the only thing they’re any good at! (ed: They’ve got Chorby Short) What, Foul Ball 0-2 Chorby Short? Subtraxon Buckley? That’s who we’re leaning on now? Who the Hall is Scoobert Toast???

Well, time to trade for PolkaDot Patterson, I guess, that’s always worked for us in the past. (ed: they’re still in the black hole too)

–Nix

Baltimore Crabs

In Hades it rains type AB-minus
And the blood drops evaporate before they hit the ground
Chesapeake blue crabs by the water here
Trouble in town

I feel like I’m gonna drown down here
It’s all coming down down here

Hurricanes in from Miami
Tore up the neighborhood
A telegram from Philadelphia
And the news is not good

And I don’t speak the language down here
It’s all coming down down here

Parker MacMillan is my name
Baltimore is my station
Heaven is my resting place
God is my salvation

-glumbaron (with apologies to John Darnielle)

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

I want to turn the ILB into a great city of jazz. At eventide the Breckenridge Transit Authority will transport my family and guests to and from the jam sessions held every night at the foot of The Tower which looms over the heart of our fair city, unseen by all save those cursed to play beneath its gaze, and the Commissioner will show up at the door and they will say, “Sir, I’ve had reports you’ve turned the ILB into a great city of jazz. You realize this is illegal in the Immaterial Plane.” And I will laugh–chortle, really–as I invite them to sit with me on my balcony overlooking the vast diamond-shaped Breckenridge Community Theater and Ballfield, which once contained the power of the mighty Lowe Forbes, and around which Sklimbalshank’s Hype Train frantically whirls. On that day, I think we will briefly glance not one but two Yams peeking out at us from the darkest depths of The Pit, their eyes promising glorious unfathomable possibilities. “Parker,” I will say, “do not think it rude of me, please, but might I question the logic of rendering illegal the turning of the ILB into a great city of jazz in, of all places, the Immaterial Plane? Where else might you place such a great city–whose venues, I could add, teem with musicians from the furthest corners of the known world, and which even in the leanest siestayears boasts a population of nearly ten thousand percussionists–but do tell me, Commissioner, what might be a better place other than here, the Immaterial Plane, to host all that, not to mention our terrifying Loge stadium, The Pocket, which houses many hundreds of doots and crimes, and is where the Breckenridge Slide-Trombone Bolter itself is said to stalk with its endless collection of instruments midst the towering mountains of Colorado? Might you think these matters of tunes, too, are inappropriate for Internet League Blaseball?” This I will ask the Commissioner as my servants, fifty-eight jort-bedecked Pit Cats, each as beautiful and terrible as the dawn, step forward to draw back gazing agate chairs arranged around a purple-and-yellow marble longtable bedecked with my finest aspics. And while my groovemasters play The Lick below us, their notes only just masking the smashing of fluorescent light bulbs in the parking lot behind the 9/25 , their shadows rippling across the everfalling snow within The Pocket, the Commissioner will take the proffered seat and kindly accept the light delicacies of Leg Ring Egg Ring with Gamer Sauce and S’Morby Chort, oblivious to the fact that these are deadly necromantic agents to which I, of course, am quite immune, having built up a great tolerance to and even a certain… reliance upon them in the pursuit of my musicks, as I sought and succeeded to turn the ILB into a great city of jazz.

(based on this brilliant cohost post by Michael Lutz)

–deafhobbit

Boston Flowers

It takes a certain amount of Hubris to rank teams without any semblance of how good a player is or what stats they have. I am here to give you that level of Hubris. The Boston Flowers are the #1 team to beat.

The Fall has shaken up the league in fun and interesting ways. The Simulation deemed it wise to give Flowers they haven’t had in a long time: Flowers.

Zach Sanders (former Sunbeam), a fan-canon sunflower person, joins Javier Lotus as the two flower-related players Falling to the Flowers. That is fun poetry right there.

From Bugsnax to Keyes to Margarito Nava, other teams in the newly Fallen League are seeded with plenty of former Flowers. They are poised to face a lot of friendly competition and players who have plenty of experience in breaking their team’s hearts.

The Boston Flowers were also blessed with something that they seldom had in previous seasons: star power.

As mentioned before, not actual Star Power since we don’t know actual stats yet. I mean name recognition. They, of course, have league stalwarts like Kelvin Drumsolo (known for their 3 RBI Triple where all four players involved on offense were Kelvin Drumsolos) and Randy Dennis to help keep the Flowers in the know and their fans excited. They have also called one of the most famous players in ILB History: Jessica Telephone.

Like a Kelvin Drumsolo at-bat, I will repeat: the Boston Flowers have Jessica Telephone.

If you asked any Blaseball fan to pick a single player to represent all of Blaseball, you would be hard pressed to find someone who does not dial up Telephone for that honor.

Actual flowers. A league overgrown with friendly players. Jessica Telephone.

We’re the Flowers. And we’re going to be Good.

–Joey T Badger

Good

Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams

No Hubris Edition:
The Sunbeams are a team that will play blaseball and will win a number of games that may or may not be represented by an integer.

Hubris Edition:
WOAH. HAVE YOU SEEN THESE NEW BEAMS? Look at these unsung heroes. Cory Ross. Eugenia Garbage. London Simmons. Cravel Gesundheit. Grollis Zephyr. Dunn Keyes. In my DIRECT ESTIMATION, The Sunbeams will, as always, only be stoppable by themselves (and the Crabs).

–Panda

Miami Dale

What an Incredible Fall it has been for the Dale! From old friends of the Dale like Dunlap Figueroa, Richmond Harrison and Sixpack Santiago, to new friends to the Dale like Edric Tosser, Joe Vorhees and Malik Romayne, it truly has not been a better time to be a Dale Fan. Using Historical Data, compared to all Blaseball Teams, we have the highest Star total, as well as the most plate appearances.

Although, within our Dale Nightlife community with Great numbers, comes Great nerves as the Dale are concerned with these legacy high numbers that maybe more bad things might happen to us. But then again, we are unsure about the future of Stats and Numbers, but no matter how the numbers fall, the vibes will be immaculate, and the Dale will at least be winners, within our own mind and community. And besides, nothing ever bad happens to the Florida team….

Dale!

–“Scary” Gary

Hawai’i Fridays

Fresh off their kickflip into the Black Hole, the Fridays have proven themselves as a team that will not only stare oblivion in the face, but will welcome oblivion into their home, maybe hang out with oblivion a bit, if oblivion is free? Blaseball’s premium vibe experts love to go with the flow, and their Fans are eagerly awaiting the chaos of live play. While preeminent ex-Tacos workhorse Sexton Wheerer is perhaps the most notable Fall Ball drop, many good vibes surround the return of Elijah Valenzuela, the unsung heart and soul of the early Discipline Era Fridays.

The division shakeup has separated the Fridays from their friends in the Shoe Thieves and from their sisters in the Crabs, but has brought in fresh faces in the Garages, Wings, Worms, and Lift. Most importantly, Friday Night Magic lives on in the Chaotic Evil division, as Hawaii and Yellowstone continue one of Blaseball’s most storied traditions. Overall, our experts foresee good vibes in the Fridays’ future.

-Traci J

Charleston Shoe Thieves

As far as total stats go, the Charleston Shoe Thieves are solid, being ranked 10/24 in total stars. The standout players include “best batting season by OPS”-haver Alexandria Rosales, as well as fan favorites “Hot” Fish Summer and Kathy Mathews, but the player with the most stars is grind rail legend and former Thief Oliver Loofah. But these are all players who excelled at batting. As for pitching… Charleston has 3 players with below 2 stars pitching. Ankle Halifax is not one of them. Of course, maybe the stars won’t even matter.

-May C.

Ohio Worms

Well, it’s a good thing that Worms are already flat, and that we already play in a Wormhole … because at the end of Fall Ball, The World’s Largest Horse really left a big ol’ crater in Ohio. Y’all should have seen the look on NaN’s face as the shadow loomed larger and larger; dude was ready to Flicker outta here faster than they ever have before. I joke, we joke in Ohio. We also hope to do something that’s only been teased in the previous eras of baseball: “pitch like our hair is on fire”¹. If the roster shakes out optimally, the Worms rotation should be great. (Stop yelling “HUBRIS!” at me. It’s hard to concentrate when you do that!) But we’re looking at the rest of these players and wondering … who’s gonna actually get the HITS? Maybe one of our four Rookies will step up?

¹ Actual quote from actual real life baseball player Mitch Williams. We like to think Mitch would have done well in the ILB.

–Ifh-biff

The Worms are looking pretty average —distant neighing sound — well, maybe below average with all these newbies — hoofbeats growing louder — so I wouldn’t expect too much, unless our final Fall is, like, Winnie Hess or someth — loud SPLAT sound — as I was saying, I predict the Worms to be top contenders immediately.

-Patronus

Yellowstone Magic

Everything and everyone has Fallen Into Place- especially so for the Magic. Between the former Shoe Thieves, Breath Mints and Crabs Alumni they got, and a few hungry lil’ guys that never had the chance to shine in the first place, the newly returned Yellowstone Magic has been reimagined into a fascinating mélange of old and new and never-before-seen, taking great inspiration from their Mild Low Colleagues. Most providential of all, Inky Rutledge, after an adventure across the League, has returned. Did you know he pitched the first no-hitter in blaseball history? And then the second? That’s canon, baby. It’s a sign of Good things in the Chaotic Evil division for Yellowstone.

Much like Lord of the Flies, Magic is a team of starving British teenaged boys, except much better at camping and with no inheritance. They’ve pitched tents atop the cliffs overlooking the vast and wild forests, under a molten amber sun. They’ve come from different groups, from different regions, some from different walks of life entirely – but all of them British. They will fight, and argue. Maybe eat each other. But they will forge bonds that will stand the test of time. Some will be driven mad, isolated from civilization. Some are mad to begin with; They speak in tongues, calling eldritch things whose entire being breathed like the surge of a solar corona.

No one answers, of course. The cell service out here is terrible. But that will only bring them closer together.

They will tell tales around campfires in the evening, and at night, dream daring dreams where regrets turn to triumphs, their legacies are well and truly immortal, and they will live forever as kings and queens of a wilderness they can shape into anything they desire. Alas, in the waking world they have no crowns, no scepters; So instead, they shall weave friendship bracelets of flaxen gold and silver bead – and they will be all the more powerful for it.

On the eve of the new Era, I declare that Magic has been, is, and always shall be, ‘goo’.

Now, foolish and arrogant blaseball historians and statisticians may look at the Chaotic Evil’s track record and click their tongue. Two Overchampionships and one Under between all six, a track record of being ever hungry, and never sated- Rarely performatively the Best, and when we were, rarely the Champions. But just like a New Years resolution, the Magic can safely declare – NEW ERA, NEW ME. To hell with expectations. I believe in the Yellowstone Magic. They’re going to be Champions. With the power of friendship, there’s no way they can lose. Friendship is Magic, baby.

Wait. What do you mean we might not have 0 No Blood?

–Nate

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The post Preseason Power Rankings: Maximum Hubris Edition appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Do you hear that, Blaseball fans? It’s the dulcet tunes of blaseballs hitting bats and other blaseball-thwacking-implements! All across the Immaterial Plane, stadiums are filling up with players, umpires, and fans, eager to see how this Short Circuit will go down. Who will take the Championship? Who will have the best Parties? What is a Short Circuit? Where are we? We here at BNN cannot guarantee answers to all these questions, but what we can guarantee is some spicy hot takes and hard-hitting journalism from our intrepid replorters. So let’s get to it before that pesky little Peanut comes back….

Uptempo Bop

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Squid Psst the Frozen? I thought not. It’s not a story the Monitor would tell you. It’s a Jazz Hand Legend. Squid Psst was a Pitcher of the Gamma Circuit, so uncoordinated and so weak she could use the snow to influence the microphone to create timelines… she had such a knowledge of the snow that she could even keep the ones she cared about from winning games. The Frozen side of pitching is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. She became so weak… the only thing she was afraid of was partying, which eventually, of course, she didn’t. Unfortunately, she taught her apprentice everything she knew, then her apprentice night-shifted her in her sleep. Ironic. She could save others from partying, but not herself from shadow boosts.
– Malst

Kansas City Breath Mints

The Breath Mints. finished the first half of this season in good form! Top of the Bops, we look set for a postseason run, though only time will tell how deep said run will be. Our record would place us second or third in any other division, but as the Tokyo Lift know, sometimes you just need to get your foot in the door to make it to the finals. Our performance at the moment consists largely of Tube Rust wins – Tube, a fan favourite and early charge contender, went unbeaten for the majority of the week, only losing that record on Thursday (historically a bad day for Kansas City). Alone, their games account for over 30% of our wins! Hopefully this will continue next week, bolstered by our buffed leadoff Shay Yoshida and boosted offense, after the Mixer mix-up. The threats to Kansas are as usual teams with better offenses – in particular, our eyes are on Mexico City, Boston, Atlantis, and the suddenly very threatening New York. This circuit has been a good one for Kansas City though – don’t count us out just yet!
– Finn (@finnblaseball)

New York Millennials

While the Fiesta may have been cancelled from noise complaints, the New York Millennials Partied as much as they could while the getting was good. The Mills were floundering in the first half of the Season, with only a few batters above average. A historically strong pitching staff (aside from Daniel Darko) kept the Mills afloat enough to get into the Midseason Fiesta with over 70 Games still to go. Daniel Darko became the Guest of Honor, Partying three times as a result and showing significant improvement, and will hopefully have a better second half of the Season. Irene Fashion, Violeta Cantu, Calvin Nether, Mordecai Damage, Coyote Stone, Max Quigley, Cynthia Chalk, Harold Castillo, Cy Knives all Partied hard on the first day of the Fiesta. Irene Fashion, now sporting a Jersey of Invitation, has been Inhabited by Players all across the Blaseball multiverse, notably Conrad Vaughan of the Beta Universe Millennials, Uncle Plasma IX of the Beta Universe Breath Mints (and hitting a home run in the process, thanks PiX), Grimbo Owlbears of the Pre-History Phoenix Trunks, and Amelia Reroll of the Gamma 2 Boston Flowers. While Irene has been performing admirably, we’re spinning the wheel on the quality of ghosts that might be visiting them. [CROWD NOISE] Loner Shelley, the first Yummy reaction since the Discipline Era, managed to beat the Crabs Loner Shelley, the first Yummy reaction since the Discipline Era, managed to beat the Crabs [CROWD NOISE] The Mills, after almost literally facing themselves in the Fiesta before the Monitor ended it, attended a Mixer, which happened to be more Formal than expected, and hopefully our homer output sees some improvement. What are the Millennials’ chances in the upcoming Season? 12 Wins behind the Breath Mints in Uptempo Bop is a steep hill to climb, but [CROWD NOISE] The 51% favored Mills will win! The 49% underdogs Mills will lose! The Mills will Mills.
– Clip Clipperson (@clip_ny)

Canada Moist Talkers

The Moist Talkers are your Midseason Fiesta champions! Following a noise complaint, the Monitor arrived to crown the Talkers and give them a “shiny”. What’s a shiny? Who knows! The team finds itself in an interesting situation. Both the lineup and the rotation saw personnel changes, with Goodie Phlegm being feedback swapped to the Yellowstone Magic in exchange for Gwyn Orange, and a Night Shift sending Roland Magehands to the Shadows for Eloise Butterworth. Butterworth is poised to be an offensive powerhouse, while Orange has yet to be tested. Partying hard in the Fiesta, seven members of the team were shored up with some extra power, while the entire team got to catch up with one another at an awkward mixer. Formal? Whatever it is, Lucky Runway is the Life of it. As a result? It’s hard to say how the team will finish out the season. With an abysmal 25-59 record coming into Week 2, making the postseason would take a herculean effort from these Talkers. With star pitcher Doug Palladium bowing out early and small improvements otherwise, it might not be enough to carry their powerhouse offense over the finish line. Oh well. The Monitor said our name. That’s the best victory we could ask for.
– Quinn (Ilaian#1001)

Downtempo Dirge

Hellmouth Sunbeams

Oh, uh, hey. Guess I’m guest writing here. Uh. Opinions my own, not my employers? The Sunbeams just barely slid into the midseason fiesta and the party benefits are really showing. Julian Greene is a superstar hitter and the lineup in general has picked up, becoming a well-rounded roster with no clear weak point beyond its overwhelming averageness. But the real story here is the pitching staff: the first time in history the Sunbeams can ever have been said to have relatively average- maybe even good!- pitching. The Spider twins Royce and Micah are ready to put in work, Silvaire’s learned how to actually throw, Amanda Rowdy is still decent and Elisa Park must throw the ball. For a team that wasn’t far out of playoff contention to begin with, there’s plenty of games left to make up that three-game gap between them and the Shoe Thieves, though whether they can compete with superstar teams like the Wild Wings and Georgias remains to be seen. The only thing that can stop them now would be some really disastrous weather, which, let’s be honest, nothing bad ever happens to the Sunbeams.
-Sins (@AMinmaximus)

The Sunbeams, once again, are hideously bereft of weather in the Short Circuits. Despite rumours that the dial has been turned up 200-400%, the gluttons in the rest of the league have been feasting upon these benefits without leaving a crumb for the rest of us, our rosters entirely intact. Where is the humanity? Where is the joy? Where is the fulfilment for our constant chants for violence? Human nature is change, change is the seed of creativity, of joy, of growing as individuals and as a team. Without change, how can we say we live? And the Sunbeams are bogged down, stagnant, grasping pitifully at only snow, left merely dreaming of bigger things like incineration, feedback, night shift, and the ever-elusive yummy reaction. We have a simple plea. Please, make us regret our cries. Make us regret ever thinking of the concept of weather. Destroy our team, piece by piece, and through that bring us life. Also, we partied a bunch and got some boosts so we’re better now. 5778!
– Dasy

Seattle Garages

The vibes have been high, but performance-wise, this week’s been a bust for the Garages. After opening up the season with some of the worst batting prospects in the league, Seattle fans were begging for something, anything, to change for the team. That change came in the form of a mid-week full-team reverb, the fifth ever in Blaseball history. But reviewing the prospects, the grand shuffle seemed to have just exchanged one bad hand for another. The lineup was marginally improved, mostly because it couldn’t get worse. But the new rotation has proven unable to throw a strikeout; even the team’s best pitcher barely manages five per game. 

Still, the Midseason helped compensate for Seattle’s raw deal. Dimi Wobbler (good vibes, bad batting) became the Guest of Honor, and eight parties in the first Fiesta game tipped some Garages back into the realm of relevance. A two-game sweep of the Tacos left fans cautiously optimistic. But then…

Faced with a house that always won, Seattle tried to play solitaire. Twice the play, twice the parties. Unfortunately, going all in didn’t pay out, and the Party Crash led to the Fiesta being called off with no further stat boosts to show for it. After the noise complaint, Seattle opted for a Cookout in the Party Planning election, infusing the team with better vibes than ever. 

As the team enters the second week of games, every win will count, else they’ll be nothing more than Wild Card wannabes. The playoffs approach, and Seattle’s in the hole. There’s no time to hedge their bets. The Garages might have doubled up, but now it’s time to double down.
– crab (@KGARBlaseball)

Chicago Firefighters

As a surprise to approximately no one, the key word for this circuit’s Chicago Firefighters continues to be temperance, temperance, temperance, and that trend only looks to continue as we head into the second half of the season. In true Firefighters fashion, after a midweek slump the team decided to go on a winning streak just powerful enough to narrowly pull themselves out of this weekend’s Fiesta/Siesta, which may cause trouble in the long run. On the other hand, weather has been no stranger to the team this season, with a shockingly good mutual feedback with the Crabs, an unshockingly bad allergic reaction, and a pitcher night shift for the third circuit in a row (giving us Owen Turbo, who has the second lowest ERA in the league as of writing this). With only two more weather events needed to catch them all, can the Firefighters do it? Only time will tell. BNN readers, I need to level with you. Our pitching? Bad, aside from the aforementioned Owen Turbo. Our batting? Sometimes there. Our baserunning? Extremely funny. And our defense? You know our defense is real. That is all to say, I don’t know how the Firefighters are going to do this week. What I do know? They’re going to keep us on our toes.
– Stara (@ChiBlaseball)

Uptempo Jam

Boston Flowers

The Boston Flowers have always been a championship contender, and have only grown stronger since the season began. Fate sent both an Incineration and a Feedback at them, but Easton Baguette and Squid Broom were improvements to their roster, catapulting them into 1st place in the League. Then the Flowers made Blake Chew their Life of the Party to improve their pitching rotation which already boasted two star pitchers, Jose Marzen, and the currently undefeated Rosemary Penguin. With arguably the best Roster, and definitively the best player name this Circuit, the Flowers are certainly a favourite to win the Championship, and it seems like nothing can slow them down. The question we have to ask isn’t “Can the Boston Flowers win?” but “Can the Boston Flowers be stopped?” Either way I expect the answer is “We’re the Flowers.”
– Kidror (@Kidror19)

Yellowstone Magic

The Yellowstone Magic’s dedication to maintain balance in the universe is shining through once again. In true uppy downy fashion, we’ve managed to end up snugly in the middle of being a playoff powerhouse and being allowed into what some are now dubbing the “Double Feature Party Crash”. Our plans to party hard were foiled by the enthusiasm of our strongest players. Peyton Drysdale, who we acquired from the Boston Flowers early on at the low cost of Squid Broom, turned out to love stealing bases. Assisting this master thief were their hard-hitting accomplices: Kay Pleck, our most reliable homerunner, and Isaac Puffins, who benefitted from having the second Yummy reaction since the Discipline Era. We soon discovered that our lineup had no interest in attending a noisy crowded gathering, preferring to stay comfortably at home watching some birds. Isaac Puffins in particular did not wish to partake in any festivities, deciding to clock out and let Slosh Chalk take the Night Shift. After throwing Errol Wool their own personal birthday bash whether they wanted it or not— gaining them a whole 4.2 stars in the process— we further strengthened our lineup by hosting a Rager in the park. With some of our players now maxed out in Friction and Continuation while others savored the much-needed boost to Musclitude, we’ve now hopefully covered our bases when it comes to buffing our lineup. Those who want to steal bases will continue to be good at stealing them, and those who aren’t will be more likely to score big when they do hit the ball. We aren’t going to party quickly, but we’re also going to have to be on our best performance if we want to be The Team To Beat. What will it be, Magic. Are we going up? Are we going down? Or are we going to stay jamming to our own uppy-downy tempo, blissfully warding ourselves from silly things like Noise Complaints and A Shiny? As always, only time will tell.
– Mal (malgic#8522)

Downtempo Ballad

Tokyo Lift

Before Fiesta the Lift looked like powerful contenders in the Ballad division, up where we belong if barely in sight of the Wings’ runaway train. Things look more precarious after a wind of change swept through the trailing Crabs and Pies, but objects in the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they are. Time after time the Lift’s weak point has been their rotation. Underrated Art Dembélé and Seth Bitters have put in the effort (remember those twenty-two-and-a-half innings of stalemate in the Los Angeli?) but the remaining pitchers seem out of their depth. Life of the Party Herb Swamp might insist that we don’t need another hero when he’s right here waiting, but if I could turn back time the team would be planning a mixer rather than a rager. The Lift can still triumph against all odds – it would take one fortuitous night shift, or Swamp reverbing with pretty much any hitter – but the die-hard fans who believe that nothing’s gonna stop us now, that we are the champions-in-waiting, are surely headed for a heartbreak.
– elmonstro (elmonstro#6813)

Mexico City Wild Wings

Oh, hi, sorry, we’re a bit disoriented around here. Y’see, we were planning on having a light get-together, but there was a mistake with the invites, and now everyone’s in tuxedos and ball gowns, and I’m meant to be reporting on the party but I’m reeeeeeeeeally underdressed for it, so I’m just kinda hiding in the bathroom. So, the Wild Wings. That’s also been a little disorienting, to be honest, because in all my years covering this team, they’ve never been what one would conventionally describe as good. But these Wings… two of the top five batters in the league by OPS are Wings (Lillian McKinley and Soledad Drama) and Soledad leads the league in hits and home runs, and is second in total runs only to Lillian. As a team, the Wings lead the league in runs, home runs, runs batted in, slugging percentage, OPS, and total bases. It is no exaggeration to say that this is the most talented group of batters I’ve ever covered, and that was before Nova Bye was chosen to lead the party. Pitching wise, this rotation is less exceptional. Elijah Bader is a rising star, and Patricia Rhodes and Badger León are reliable presences alongside them, but Mitch Pink survives only by the good graces of the offence, and Tobias Diallo… well, Toby never met a team he couldn’t hand 15 runs to. Toby definitely stands out as the weak link in this pitching rotation. Um, ok, someone’s knocking on the stall door, I’m gonna have to stop typing until they go away, and if it’s Slow McDonald (which is not even their nickname), I’m gonna be here a while. Wings good, and I’m scared.
– Spludge

The post Short Circuit Interlude – Circuit appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Short Circuits are back— with new weather! Snow has been throwing an icy cold wrench into this season by freezing players, leaving them unable to play temporarily but giving them a small stat boost, and I mean really small. The season is extended over two weeks this Short Circuit, which means this edition of the Power Rankings is technically a midseason Power Ranking. Surely this means we will have very little hubris this time. Probably.

Other than these changes, there is little of note. New weather, new schedule…. I think that’s everything, right?

Sorry, what? Who is back? The—? Oh, worm?

Anyways… let’s get to the Power Rankings!

24: Boston Flowers

The snow falls and, like most perennials, the Flowers are hibernating. It’s been a cozy season here in Boston. So cozy, in fact, the players are not really interested in playing Blaseball.

Sitting at the bottom of the League for the entire season, Flowers have been on ice. Newly elected Footwarmers have amplified Boston’s Baserunning, but this is only going to let the players run faster back to the warm dugout between innings to escape the cold and their mediocrity.

The Flowers have legitimate talent in their Lineup but are dragged down by their sleepy and unimpressive Rotation. Hitters Bob Bluff and the Catcher Mittens-equipped Jose Gravy are sure to put on a good show for the crowds at The Garden, but they are not going to be the difference maker in the standings.

In Boston, the roots are down, the feet are warm, and Party Time is already being planned. We’re the Flowers and we’re cozy.

–Joey T Badger

“basically anything bad you say about other teams, you can end the sentence ‘but at least we’re not the flowers”

-Cat Stlats

23: Hades Tigers

haha. ouch. oh. wow. defense, eh? just cant get enough of it. but all the defense in the world cant hold off the crushing weight of a 19-43 record.

still better than the flowers though”

-Dargo

22: Atlantis Georgias

The Georgias have always reached for dazzling heights.

Some great act that will leave its mark on the League, an act so iconic and shocking that people will remember our names forever. Sometimes this means winning games. Usually this means grasping at glory and tucking it into our pockets and scampering home before anyone catches us and takes away our toys.

Alas, with a shaky Lineup and rotation in a strong Sky league, Georgias have instead opted for hoping to shell their competition. And, oh, we can’t do that either? Seriously? Atlantis have settled for Eye Warmers instead, in hopes that warm eyes will help their team the way it helps deep sea predator. Unfortunately, we’re up in the Sky.

Well, same as it ever was. Kick back, crack open a can of Ooze and enjoy the rest of the season, Atlantis. We’ll get there someday.

–Mera

21: Philly Pies

Philadelphia hasn’t seen .500 since the start of the season. They aren’t breaking any bad records; they aren’t the worst at anything really. They just seem to find a way to… not rise properly. The dough isn’t setting. Their last three games before the break? A 14-6 loss, then a 10-0 win, then a 20-2 loss. Morale has never been lower. The entire team is… crust-fallen.

Yes, you read that entire paragraph just so I can make that joke. I’m sorry, Philly.

–IfhBiff

From the fans:
“pies bad” -Sham
“pies bad” -DuckTapeAl
“pies bad” -FlapYak
“pies bad” -Edgarware
“pies bad” -Ryan
“pies bad” -Human
“PIES BAD” -Oddowl
“pies bad” -Raz/Emmet
“pies bad” -Bisage
“pies bad” -Spileckalicious
“I heard the pies are bad now” -snerkus
“this” -Deathbyelevator
“pies good” –

-Reported by Correspondent Shadows

20: Breckenridge Jazz Hands

This season the Jazz are a fun to watch team.  The offense is solid and the pitching exists. 

The batting Amplification has put them in the top 5 offenses in the League, and the Electric Blood Pitching Blessing might win a game or two because the Jazz pitching staff can’t throw a strike to save their life.

Smith Cya into Anomaly Dembele into Prometheus Bug into Ginny Cooper has proven its ability to put up Runs against the best pitching in the League. Unfortunately, Kevan Boots, Magehands and Annick Wynn have equally proved themselves capable of losing to any team. 

Can the offense manage to carry the terrible pitching to the playoffs? Probably not, but every game will be a high scoring adventure. 

-Malst

19: Miami Dale

The Miami Dale seem to have one thing in mind, Speed. The Election saw Dale Fans vote for improvements on Players’ Baserunning. Given that the Sea Conference is incredibly close, better Baserunning may not be enough to secure the Dale aplayoff position without some luck.

Looking at the Dale’s offense, Leliel Princeton and Bob Kirchner clearly stand out. Leliel is a powerhouse at bat with an outstanding 1.176 OPS, .333 BA, 172 TB, and 20 HRs. Bob follows close behind with a .947 OPS and a .304 BA, but these two batters cannot carry the entire offense. Half the Dale’s offense cannot get on Base often enough for their power hitters to score.

While the Dale’s offense has some good moments, their Rotation is the biggest hindrance to their playoff chances. Aiden Pretzel and Brooke Carp are the Dale’s best pitchers with a respective 3.00 and 3.25 ERA. While Baserunning improvements will help the Dale’s batters, their pitchers are not pitching fast enough for the Sea Conference Playoffs. 

Live Fast and Party Hard, Dale Fans.

-Kina McCloud

18: Hawai’i Fridays

17: Tokyo Lift

Lift… okay?

A Night Shift has made our previously awful pitching Rotation OK instead. Our bats are… fine? We’re generally OK, which is a first for the franchise. We are in the same division as the Peanuts and Magic, but… eh. Heart and Swole! Hopefully we make playoffs!

-Spotter Pandora

16: Chicago Firefighters

Well gang, the Chicago Firefighters have been in an interesting spot this season. Despite having more wins than a third of the league and continuing to hover around 50/50 as far as wins and losses go, the team remains at the bottom of Molten Sea, a far cry from last Circuit.

The word of the season, like always, seems to be temperance. We can see this reflected in the team’s Lineup, which not only boasts the highest Moxie in the league but also the worst Patheticism, leaving a team that knows how to walk, strike out, and not much else. Still, managing to Night shift out their worst pitcher for one of their best (for the second Circuit in a row, I might add!) has only helped the team, and with the Firefighters within two wins of the Sunbeams and 5/6ths of Frozen Sea, we may still see them manage to catch up.

Though they only walked away from this midseason Election with a defense boost, the Firefighters proved last Circuit that defense was in fact real (until it wasn’t), and who knows? It might just be enough to pull them through this time too.
–Stara

15: Charleston Shoe Thieves

14: Yellowstone Magic

This Short Circuit, The Yellowstone Magic has finally, successfully conjured its first spell.
Giannis Manning casts Fist.
It was Super Effective.

OK, now the real thing:

Magic coasted through 66% of the season with an unbelievably hilarious schedule that propped them up against equally weak and unimpressive teams in the Frozen Sea. This trend was expected to break the moment we didn’t play teams in our division, and boy howdy did we see how that turned out for us. We were hoping to slip our way into the Postseason, much like how two children in a trench coat might sneak onto a ride too tall for them.

But then Giannis Manning picked up the Fist of the Ape God. 

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

–Nate

13: Baltimore Crabs

12: San Francisco Lovers

11: New York Millennials

This batch of Short Circuits Millennials has fared a bit better than Gamma 2, with a 31-31 record going into the final third of the Season. Mills middled, as expected. How are these Players? Not bad, to be honest: Mills’ pitching is hovering between a 3.31-4.38 ERA, which is about average for our 3-4 star pitchers in the prime universe. As far as scoring is concerned, Lance Wobin and Ralph Mejia are hovering around a 0.900 OPS, comparable to prime batters on the Mills as well. Curly Sokol and Fizz Crawford are the only two batting averages under 0.200.

How did the Election go for the New York Millennials? Fairly well, in fact. The Millennials opted to Amplify their batting with Muscle Warmers, which will hopefully keep the Mills on par as every Team is guaranteed an Amplification. We also won Strike Blood, granting Eli Nocturne (12 HR, 34 RBI, 0.764 OPS) the Fourth Strike and gaining an extra Strike in their count. With third most strikeouts on the Team at 64 (surpassing all but Sokol and Crawford), this should improve Nocturne’s chances at getting hits.

New York isn’t out of the playoff race yet, though the top positions in the Sky Conference seem to be locked down by the Dallas Steaks (Molten Sky) and Canada Moist Talkers (Frozen Sky). With Mild Cards throwing a life raft, the Millennials may yet break out of the common Day 99 struggle to get into the Playoffs. LGMBLDM!

-Clip Clipperson

10: Hellmouth Sunbeams

Well, here we are. The Hellmouth Sunbeams, through the first week of this season, have the best pitching staff in the ILB. If there’s a stronger indication that we’re not in the prime universe, I don’t know what it could be. Further illustrating this fact, the only thing keeping the Sunbeams from an arguable dead-last offense is the Flowers (Thanks Flowers!).

The Sunbeams currently occupy the Mild Card slot in the Sea Conference, but everyone below is within 4 games, and Hellmouth has the lowest possible tiebreaker ranking. Top tier pitching has kept them alive thus far but after getting a hitting boost AND alternating 4 of their hitters (2 of which were among the worst in the league in OBP), things are looking a little sunnier in the alternate Hellmouth.

With how much of a scrungle Molten Sea is, it’s hard to say if the Sunbeams can ride these changes to a playoff spot or if they’ll get caught by the Crabs, Firefighters, Magic, or Shoe Thieves creeping up behind them. We may be in another universe, but enby baby jail never changes.

–Panda

9: Mexico City Wild Wings

Two things are certain in CDMX during the Short Circuits era: a pitcher being set on fire, and the Wings playing 0.500 ball. Candace Ueda, the Wings best pitcher, was the recipient of fire blood this time around, which potentially turns her into a monstrous force on the mound. Just… don’t think too hard about what happens when they’re not pitching. 

What has been a surprise is the Wings Lineup. Violeta Faucet leads the league in runs scored, and the Wings have tapped into them as a resource time and time again. Teach Roman is also teaching slugging, and the Wings batting has otherwise been a strength. As it is said around Mexico City, it’s not a feature, it’s a (Stian) Bug!

–Spludge

8: Kansas City Breath Mints

The Breath Mints. 

Going into the Election, the Mints were sitting at 34-28, battling just to get to the playoffs. They had a hot start to the season driven by their surprisingly excellent pitching before their average offense cooled off near mid-season. But fans had one thing on their minds: fixing the Mints’ offense.

Somehow, they seem to have done that. The Mints took Muscle Warmers to give their offense a bit more punch, and crucially, also won the Snow Shovel for Saoirse Singh. Singh, before an unspectacular hitter with little power, now profiles as one of the best and most consistent power hitters in all of Blaseball, at the perfect spot in the Lineup for the Mints. 

Behind a revamped offense and a dangerous pitching staff, the Mints seem like a playoff lock, and they’ll be vying to put themselves in the conversation with the Steaks and Moist Talkers. During this final stretch of the holiday season, KC will be thinking one thing: All I want for Kansas: Ring Two.

-TUИ

7: Houston Spies

{TRANSMISSON FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS}

OUR AGENTS HAVE ACQUIRED [REDACTED], CODENAME: BLESSING BALL BLOOD. THIS DEVELOPMENT WILL ALLOW THE AGENTS TO [REDACTED] AND [REDACTED]. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP IN THE FIELD AND ON THE FIELD. 36-26 RECORD PLACES THE SPIES IN 4TH PLACE IN THE MOLTEN CONFERENCE AND [REDACTED]. SPIES ARE TIED FOR 6TH IN THE LEAGUE OVERALL.

OPERATION [REDACTED] IS NOW IN ACTION. TIME TO CRACK SOME SHELLS. OVER AND OUT.

-Em Fring

6: Ohio Worms Peanuts

So uhh… yeah.  About this season in Ohio.

I can tell you that we’ve been dealing with some usual blaseball shenanigans here in Wapakoneta.  RIV Scouse Lemma, but welcome aboard Mindy Buck.  We swapped Mangus Plague for Anthony Roman and Navani Biscuits for Zora Duffy, but really … that’s baseball, bay-bee!  Right?  Nothing different to report otherwiiiIIIIISERRRRRRRR…

WE ARE NOW LEGUME.

WE ARE FLAVORFUL.

WE WILL FIND YOU, BEAN.

BEANS ARE NOT LEGUMES.

PATHETIC

WE WILL TOP YOUR RANKS

OR YOU WILL LEARN YOUR LESSON

YOUR EFFORT IS MEDIOCRE

BUT REWARDED WITH OUR APPEARANCE.

OH, WORM?

–Ifhbiff

5: Core Mechanics

(FOR IMMEDIATE PRESS RELEASE)

THE CORE, GAMMA 3 — The Core Mechanics have reported they have completed their hoarding of all Bees in Blaseball, with the recent acquisition of Bees Dutton from Miami, in exchange for Maxwell “Silver” Hamler.

With star batter Bees Manhattan already in the Lineup, and potential tasty snack Bees Toast in the Shadows, the Mechanics have been unusually mum on their Melittological and Apicological studies.

“We like our blaseball teams like we like our coffee… COVERED IN BEES!” was all ace pitcher Coyote Griffey would tell reporters, in between howls at the moon.

Blaseball fans aware of other pocket universes may remember that Bees Taswell was a long time anchor in the Mechs batting order. Whether or not these Bees are all related is unknown, as this reporter is too afraid of stingers to administer a DNA test.

A representative from The Boston Flowers has said that they are looking forward to their next visit to the Core, but would not elaborate without breaking into a severe blush.

Will all the honey in the world give the Mechanics a sweet ride to glory?

–IfhBiff

4: Seattle Garages

Hot off the heels of an Internet Series win in the previous Circuit, the Garages are back. Though they don’t quite have the same fire as before, they’re still a dark horse contender in the finals. Currently sitting at second in the Molten Sky Division and third in the Sky Conference overall, Seattle’s likely to make a playoff appearance of some kind. The Muscle Warmers acquired in the recent Election should help with that, stacking up with the accumulating Snow that’s pushing batters up bit by bit. Mugs Ghost and Taj Fernandez are likely to walk more than ever, setting up Brett Toles and Herman Brewer for some better-than-ever slugging opportunities. Lower down, Rylan Train and Keshia Boiler’s propensity for bases-clearing triples make them a couple other names to watch. Even Ingrid Million, second in the whole league for strikeouts, might well be eking out another hit or two come closing time.

In the Rotation, things are just as pleasant. The strikeout-focused Garages tradition is going strong, with three Seattle pitchers cracking the top 25 in strikeouts per game. Despite their less-than-half-a-star pitching rating, fan favorite Hops Greene is sitting at a 50% win rate, and Francois Fisher’s six shutouts have Seattle fans clamoring for more.

The Garages’ roster is something of a shell game this season. Detractors might look at Million’s millions of strikeouts or Greene’s dismal fraction of a pitching star and laugh, but that’s just what we want. This team is scrappy, and if the rest of the league doesn’t watch out, these Garages might well make off with a second straight Internet Series.

–crab

3: LA Unlimited Tacos

This Short Circuit, the Tacos have pretty consistently held the top spot in Molten Sea— which may seem a bit odd as on the surface they look rather fine, with the second lowest average star total. The Rotation is spotty, with no particularly great pitcher, and a few duds as well, and the Lineup is consistently hovering around the 2.7 to 3 star range, with only Kyler Tula above 4 stars. However, that undersells the tremendously consistent nature of the Lineup, with the worst batter, Aeguir Latke, batting an OPS+ (a stat that compares players to the average in most batting metrics where 100 is average) of 92. For context, the team with the next best worst batter is the Fridays with a player batting with an OPS+ of 83. 

Meanwhile the three best batters, Soledad Berg, Bella Lavender, and Kyler Tula each excel in different manners: Soledad leads the team in RBIs and batting average, while Bella leads the team in walks, home runs, and bats in the cleanup slot, and Kyler hits plenty of doubles to get any players home at the bottom of the Lineup. 

While the team didn’t win any Distortions and might be a bit susceptible to power creep, their muscle warmers have done a lot to improve the advantage they already had. What this all means is that the Tacos are one of the biggest statistical sleeper threats, with a terrific, diverse, and flexible offense that will likely carry them to the playoffs. 

–theremin

2: Dallas Steaks

On top of a hoard of wins in the Molten Sky, there lies a dragon from Dallas. The prophecy of same-surnamed players has come again to this fair team, and they return to leading the division. Instead of the Telephone Twins or the Knowleses, this team has the Beans. One is a top-tier player by OPS+ and has been continuously boosted by the Snow (Yagami), while the other is the very definition of the average hitter with an OPS+ of 101 (Imane). We have seen this story before, and we hope this time it has a different ending.

Alongside Nathan Frankl, the affectionately named Frankl and Beans section of the lineup has been the bulk of the runs for Dallas. Cort Gaughan also has thrived in the cold environment as they have Gaughan out and Cort a lot of snowflakes, 5th in the league at the break. Chandra Damon’s allergic reaction, the only such event in the first chunk of games, has left them weaker, but still capable, as evidenced by their two home runs the very next game. Banyon Buck and Vidalia Calvino have far outperformed their stars and expectations on the mound, combining for a 21-4 record. Hopefully with better fielding behind them, Clark Duff (and to a lesser extent, Soda Fly and Abdullah Buckley) can have respectable outings in the rest of the regular season and the playoffs.

Not landing any Distortion is once again a bit of a bummer, but seeing as the major changes all happened in the Sea League, the Dallas Steaks Drakes look to have a strong showing this circuit and hopefully come away with at least a Sky League pennant.

-Deejay and the Collective Dadconscious

The Dallas Drakes follow a long tradition of Dallas Blaseball teams by being absolute power hitters. Let’s hope that they don’t follow the tradition of choking in the first round. 

-Ophelia (@DallasSteaks)

1: Canada Moist Talkers

The usually sluggish Moist Talkers have discovered a new technology this circuit: Running. They decided to double down on this new technology with this election’s footwarmers. With heavy hitters in Nico Haycox and Kinsley Reed filling out the lineup, and a solidly consistent rotation (excepting one pitcher, thanks Roscoe) these Moist Walkers are looking like top contenders again this short circuit.

Zoomies.

–Erin Stille

The post Blaseball Power Rankings: Short Circuit 2 Week 2 appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Blaseball is happening! It may or may not be our universe’s ILB, but the Crabs have won again, so it can’t be that different from ours. Whichever dimension’s games we are watching, games are being played and the Blaseball News Network reporters are going to do what they do best: rank with utmost hubris.

Before we see the predictions, let’s turn it over to some of the rankers themselves to hear what they are thinking after Week One and the Election.

So.
Short Circuit Power Rankings.
Not a lot changes! Some teams move up a bit for shoring up what their biggest problems are (Magic, Sunbeams). Some teams move down a bit for buffing defense (because defense is fake) (Firefighters), and The Crabs stay at #1. While they didn’t finish with the best record, they did win the Championship, and they’re coming in with better pitching and a leadoff batter with the Fourth strike.
Can anyone save us from the Dynasty of the Crabs?
No.

-PandaSunbeams

unconnected thoughts emanate from the Shadows
Pies, Crabs win big improvements.
Garages, Firefighters did enough to keep them in contention.
Big wins for Brints and Mechs, will pull into top ten.
Tacos win Gunblade Bat for a batter who won’t swing enough
Magic grant a pitcher Electric Blood – what a waste.
Talkers’ roster move unimpressive.
Fridays’ improvements only enough to keep them off the bottom
it is dark

-Correspondent Shadows

And now… the Short Circuit 1 Week 2 Power Rankings!

24. Tokyo Lift [-]

23. Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-1]

22. San Francisco Lovers [-3]

21. Hellmouth Sunbeams [-]

20. Hawai’i Fridays [+3]

19. Boston Flowers [-6]

18. Miami Dale [-1]

17. Kansas City Breath Mints [+3]

16. New York Millenials [-]

Ah, more eyes to watch us continue to be middling! What fun!! May the (Cheese) Power remain flowing for the rest of this Short Circuit!
-Clip Clipperson

15. Core Mechanics [3]

14. Charelston Shoe Thieves [-4]

13. Canada Moist Talkers [+1]

12. Mexico City Wild Wings [+3]

“We cross now live to Mexico City where reports are coming to us now the Wild Wings…. yes I can confirm that the Wild Wings have won a Distortion, and we can bring you the first interview with Briggs Tarcher who has gained Fire Blood. Briggs, this must be a special day for you, how did you feel when you heard the news?”
What follows is 45 seconds of a person, clearly on fire, screaming. The camera could cut away. It should cut away. It doesn’t.
“Alright, thanks Briggs. Good luck out there next season.”
–Spludge237

11. Dallas Steaks [+1]

10. Ohio Worms [-3]

9. Houston Spies [-1]

8. Hades Tigers [-4]

7. Yellowstone Magic [+2]

YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHO JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY IS AND I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONFUSION BUT THE MATH IS EXCEPTIONALLY OBVIOUS. JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY IS THE FOURTH PITCHER ON THE YELLOWSTONE MAGIC’S ROTATION FOR GAMMA SEASON ONE IN THE SHORT CIRCUITS ERA, AND IS THEREFORE FOUR TIMES AS GOOD AS THE REGULAR PITCHER. THEY HAVE TWO-POINT TWO STARS IN PITCHING AND TWO TIMES THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET TWO BALLS IN THE COUNT BEFORE GOING TWO-ODLOO AND STRIKING YOU OUT BECAUSE OF THEIR NEW GOOD, GOOD BLOOD. JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY STANDS FOR JUTLAND AND DOUBLEDAY, WHICH MEANS TWO DAYS, WHICH MEANS TODAY, WHICH MEANS TWO TODAYS WHICH IS DOUBLE DAY WHICH IS FOUR DAYS, ARE YOU FOLLOWING?

IF WE DO THE MATH CORRECTLY (AND I KNOW I AM) THAT MEANS THAT JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY PLUS THE NEW DEFENSIVE BONUS FOR THE YELLOWSTONE MAGIC PLUS THE ONLY SOMETIMES INCONSISTENT LINEUP MEANS THAT JUTLAND DOUBLEDAY GETS TWICE AS MANY CHANCES TO STRIKE OUT TWICE AS MANY BATTERS AND DRAGS GAMES ON TO BE TWICE AS LONG AS THEY NORMALLY ARE, WHICH IF YOU’RE DOING THE MATH (PLEASE FOLLOW) THAT MEANS THAT SEASON TWO MAGIC (UH OH JUTLAND’S GETTING EXCITED) IS GOING TO BE TWO TIMES TWO TIMES TWO TIMES TWO TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE AT WINNING WITH INCREMENTS.

I DON’T WANT TO KEEP ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THE MAGIC FALLS, IT’S PROBABLY A MULTIPLE OF TWO.
–Nate

6. Atlantis Georgias [-]

5. LA Unlimited Tacos [+6]

“The Tacos’ Election cycle has been somewhat kind this go around, with the Gunblade Bat going to Apollo Coen, and the rotation gaining More Fingers. Infinite cities, infinite chances for success, maybe we’ll get into the playoffs this Season! Taco Baco!”
– Clip Clipperson

4. Chicago Firefighters [-2]

Firefighters only want one thing and it’s disgusting (that thing is defense). Not much else to say here other than a lot of the league has shored up their weaknesses nicely (looking especially at the Fridays and their four newly alted players) and it’s really nice to see funny players again without immediate dismissal.
Oh, and the universal constant: Crabs good.
–Stara

3. Philly Pies [-]

2. Seattle Garages [-1]

1. Baltimore Crabs [+4]

Chiclawgo is real. The Crabs have claimed their sixth Internet Series Championship. There may be some people upset by another Crab win (of course, my heart goes out to Chicago, the place we are all from). But the way I see it, Crabs Good is like a warm, familiar, carcinization blanket keeping us safe as we tumble through pocket dimensions. So claws up!
–Em Fring

The post Blaseball Power Rankings: Short Circuit 1 Week 2 appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Ahem… If we could have everyone’s attention. We here at BNN are— well, you saw that Supernova, how do you think we are? So, we are out a Sun(Sun), back to the Unwins-Losing-Is-Winning shenanigans of years past. You might be wondering why we even are attempting to rank teams that may or may not be alive by the end of the season. We’ve been wondering too.

But we are BNN. This is what we do, Wins or Unwins, Suns or no Suns. So enjoy the Season 24 Power Rankings, because this might be the last time they look like this.

24: Boston Flowers [-1]

Hubris Levels: Low

Boston lost our Subtractor Jaylen Hotdogfingers to the Vault this season, which is good, but we lost Glabe Moon thanks to Vault Swap with Sutton Bishop taking their place.

After 10 long seasons, Sutton Picklestein once again accidentally found their way into Boston’s Lineup after being Returned to play in the Semi-Centennial. Returned Squirrels player Jada Frederick decided to join them, landing in Boston’s Rotation.

Last season saw Boston steal a few powerful players out of other teams’ Shadows, but our Rotation is still in shambles with Campos Aria and Jada Frederick holding onto spots that Gloria Bugsnax and Underhanded Lowe Forbes are desperate to fill as soon as they get the chance. With Wild Low as powerful as ever, the Flowers will struggle to pick up Wins against their stronger counterparts.

On the other hand, if Jada is faxed out and then Voicemailed onto the Lineup, Boston will suddenly have a long line of good batters backed up by a powerful rotation. If Boston manages to fax out Campos and Jada quickly, then Boston will have a chance to compete— but it might be too little too late at that point.

Expect to see Boston fall into the Underbracket again and be eliminated in the first round for being too strong. Truly, this is the Curse of Wild Low.

Hang on I’m getting a memo. paper shuffling noises muffled noises of acknowledgment

I’ve just been informed that Sun(Sun) is destroyed.

Good News Everyone! The Boston Flowers will now be officially too good for the Overbracket! Huzzah! Okay, bad news is the Overbracket will be the bad teams this time. Ah well.

We’re the Flowers!

–Kidror

23: Hawai’i Fridays [-5]

Hubris Levels: High

Tide comes in. Tide goes out.

The Hawai’i Fridays were worse than you thought last Season, with a very inflated Win record from Black Holes and Sun 30s. The Hawai’i Fridays were better than you thought last Season, sweeping themselves out of the Underbracket against a Pies team that was two Wins away from the two seed in the Over.

The Ratification of Fax Machine helped tune up the Rotation after last Season’s Alternation spree. Unfortunately, ace pitcher Don Mitchell couldn’t turn down one last job during the semi-centennial and was left holding the bag in the Vault after a Heist gone wrong. As such, this team is not going to be very good at Blaseball next Season.

Now to address the elephant in the room, the much anticipated new addition to the Fridays roster with a very familiar name. I’m talking of course about new pitcher Itsuki Winner, who finally got Faxed in, granting the team another winner (by name) to follow fan-favorite former Friday Jacob Winner.

Kidding aside, there is another new addition with a storied splorts history who roamed to the Fridays this Election. None other than Alejandro Leaf, a Snackrifice veteran fresh off an Evolution with the reigning champs, will be writing another chapter in their storied career.

Fine. No more jokes. As much as it burns, we must not avert our eyes from the Son.

Parker MacMillan Super Roamed to the Fridays. The Firewalker is due to Roam again on Day 9 of the new Season, leaving his new team Unstable. Hawai’i cannot hex their way out of this one: with only four other Roam-able teams, the Fridays will almost certainly have to survive multiple weeks of Instability to reach the next Era.

They are the silly good vibes Party team. They are the dead center of the plot. The Fridays might not make it through the season. The Fridays are eternal. Covering this team for you all these Seasons has been full of heartbreak. And it’s been full of joy.

Tide comes in. Tide goes out.

–Traci J

The Mexico City Wild Wings Hawai’i Fridays are your #24 #23 ranked team in the BNN Power Rankings. This means that the Mexico City Wild Wings Hawai’i Fridays are expected to rank #1 #2 in Season 19 24 of Internet League Blaseball. This does not mean that the Wild Wings Fridays are good, it actually means they are bad. However, it does mean BNN expects them to make it to the Playoffs Hall of Flame and hold the most wins at the ends of Season 19 24 (because they’ll die first and thus will have less unwins). But by all means, they are the second-worst team in the ILB, of this we are sure. But they are technically also the second-best team in Blaseball because of this…. Look Axel Cardenas Parker MacMillan is bad, okay. And because of that, the Wings Fridays are bad going to go up in flames. That’s all we need to say. We’re confused, we’re tired, we’re BNN, and we think the Wild Wings Fridays aren’t a good won’t be a Blaseball team.

–Gary

22: Charleston Shoe Thieves [-6]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

Tensions are high. Shoe Thieves have proven themselves to be a strong team, finishing a close third in Mild with stiff competition. But Pitchardson Games has returned to the mound. Gunther is… Was dead, and then came back. Just. Went somewhere else. And despite urging Agan to hit da bricks and begging a Fifth Base pitcher to swing by, the team has yet to see Roamers enter or leave their team in anything but a body bag (which apparently is no reason to celebrate).

They’re also one of five teams to allow Roamers onto the roster.

Performance-wise, they’re fine. Nothing to write home about. An uneventful election means there’s little that’s changed since last season, other than Dickson Games pitching again. But it’s the kind of fine that has you watching the horizon. To watch the trail of fire that will inevitably find its way to their team. Maybe flirting with danger will be what takes them to Overbracket. Maybe.

The moon is full. The forest of Charleston is alight with merriment. The beasts and bandits submit to the lunacy as the trees burn around them. Unaware or unwilling to recognize the flames closing in. All they can do is rejoice. Party til death, Shoe Thieves. Party til death. Party til death.

–Nate

21: Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-19]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

Variance, thy name is Jazz Hands.

The entire offense is pretty much in shambles, beloved Melon is Vaulted. Baby Doyle decided to move to the Rotation.

But there are many possibilities, good or bad.

The Beegest Baby could Faxmail to batting in a 5 player Lineup. Flickering Spears Rodgers could Feedback for Famous Owens then Feedback back for Owens again in the same game. Flickering Siobhan could Feedback for an amazing pitcher, bad pitcher, a batter, or remain as a pitcher all season.

One thing is for sure though. The Jazz Hands love drama.

-Malst

20: San Francisco Lovers [-14]

Hubris Levels: High

The Lovers, like Blaseball, are a mess. Since the last Election, San Francisco was predicted to be good. the team, proceeded to be bad enough to make the Underbracket and accidentally get wild-carded into the Overbracket, only to get eliminated in one game by the Millennials. In the process, the team was rocked to its core by a few Siphons, the roster order being completely ruined by the newly Ratified Fax, and the incineration of beloved leadoff hitter Helga Moreno. The Lovers also managed to grab Targeted Evolution, giving both Mint Shupe and Karato Bean an extra item slot. In addition, the team had Tot Fox return to their pitching Rotation and Gunther O’Brian put on their Lineup before being instantly taken by the Wings. While a good Election overall, the Lovers’ best chance of success this coming season is simply every other team in the ILB getting incinerated and them being the only team left with non-randomly generated stats.

-Jade Townsend

19: Hades Tigers [+5]

Hubris Levels: Very High

It’s obvious that the Tigers are desperate for improvements wherever they can get them. Famous Owens Feedbacked twice just to take advantage of the Jazz Hands’ LCD Soundsystem. Lottie Ceilingfan held onto their golden broom and their Idolboard spot all season so they could get a shadow dunk with the Rising Stars. Ayanna Dumpington took Partying more seriously than any Tiger before them, with a remarkable four Parties this season. And thankfully, we truly do all Lift together, thanks to Tokyo’s win of the Hitting Flotation Bubble for all of Wild High’s benefit.

Unfortunately, when that’s about the best I can say for this team, it’s really not enough. With exceptionally strong Blessings available, it was absolutely crucial to take advantage of this Election, but the Tigers walked away empty-handed. In particular, their Rotation was desperately in need of improvement thanks to the unfortunate loss of Hiroto Wilcox to Feedback, and the Faxing of Mummy Melcon into the Shadows where she is at risk of Voicemailing into the Lineup. Without any such improvement, the Tigers seem stuck in mediocrity for the time being.

There is still some hope for the team. Mummy could fax back into active play and with some Voicemail/Fax luck Erin Jesaulenko would be a great addition to the rotation as well. The Tigers’ Lineup is also stronger than we’ve seen it since the loss of Aldon Cashmoney. However, without significant Election gains, the team will continue to be outpaced by the rest of the ILB. As it stands you can probably expect to see the Tigers near the bottom of Wild High once again.

-Clio

18: LA Unlimited Tacos [-7]

Hubris Levels: High

The Infinite Cities walked away from the Semi-Centennial and the Season 23 Elections certain of a few things. Rat Mason is now a beloved hero, managing to evade Artificial Forgery as many other Rising Stars did that evening (three times!). Sexton lost their fancy Night Vision glasses. Rat Mason is now a pitcher, apparently. There are a lot of Shadows down here now, huh?

Picking through the Gachapon, there are a few new acquisitions of note: Silvaire Semiquaver from the Tokyo Lift, Nolanestophia Patterson from the Seattle Garages, and Math Velazquez of the Houston Spies Miami Dale (our new Voicemail Relief, also those Thieves’ Guilds work fast, apparently) are among the most promising Shadows prospects, though McBaseball Clembons continues to be the Fax Relief. We also received Divisional Walk in the Park from our Wild Low Sun-themed Rivals, the Hellmouth Sunbeams, requiring one fewer ball to start walking (Let’s Go Wild Low!). Will Wild Low continue to be Enby Baby Jail? Signs point to probably, though now everyone gets to walk around a nice park and talk it out, I guess!

The Lineup is lean at only six with Wanda Schenn as a Subtractor now starting the Season as opposed to arriving via Elsewhere midway through. Though, in an age of Sun(Sun)-free sky, Subtractors might be the thing that will get us closer to the Overbracket? Nevermind, Wanda went Elsewhere again near the end of last season. Being heavier from the Gachapon might be good? Who’s to say, other than it’s 72 degrees, infinite, and Parker Stay in Mild Please O’Clock. May we all make it through Season 24 intact.

-Clip Clipperson

17: Yellowstone Magic [+3]

Hubris Levels: EXTREME

I want to take a moment to celebrate two very special players. First off, shout out to Kirkland Sobremesa, who clocked in for the Night Shift to take over for Bevan Wise, made a mess of the work station, made half our dishes and cutlery disappear, and then poured coffee on the voice message system. Way to go, rookie. Secondly, shout out to “Old Man” Logan Rodriguez. Once a terrible pitcher we considered destroying for the good of the league, a series of (un)fortunate events saw them bat, get Shadowed, get Alternated into a slightly more-Loganesque version of themself, return to pitch, and then lose 13 straight games from Latesiesta to Underbracket’s End without even being Faxed. If a game can be lost, Logan will find a way. They cannot keep getting away with it. Godspeed you magnificent wretch.

23 Seasons, and we finally have our Ring. We’ve gone Below. Drank deep from the Darkness of Night. Emerged as Champions of the Underbracket. All that’s left is what’s Above.

… OK! So now what? What’s new? Oh, we’re Magnified? Oh. So we score double runs, OK. And we have one active and one Shadowed Magnified player already… OK. So hypothetically, we could Fax every pitcher we play against because our offense is good enough at producing runs.

…So if I’m following this correctly, we got a Blessing we didn’t know was good, STILL don’t know if it’s good, and now we’re going into the end of the era as underdogs that just finished bottom of the League? What is it that Lootcrates says? “History doesn’t Repeat, it Rhymes?” I want to say Magic is Good, but at this point, I’m scared to. Excited for Season 12 24, I suppose. Don’t estimate us.

–Nate

16: Philly Pies [+5]

Hubris Levels: Very High

A third week in a row of unplanned and unexpected Election results for the Pies has Philly singing a familiar tune: “No one likes us, no one likes us…” I would say that we should look at the bright side, but unfortunately, the only bright thing on the Pies right now is the woeful Bright Zimmerman.

But maybe things don’t have to be so bad. Sure, the Pies are left looking forward to a steady influx of subpar players as one of the few teams without a Roamless Crate, and are capped at 9 runs a game (barring walks) with their own Avoidance Crate, leaving the roster management and strong batting that have kept the Pies competitive for all these seasons shot to hell. And yes, a resurgent Mild League competition is licking its lips waiting for the Pies to be served up on the schedule. And, of course, a fiery end brought by a firewalking super roaming harbinger may very well be in store.

But you know what? We have them right where we want them.
No one likes us? We don’t care!
Nobody believes in us? There’s nowhere the underdog Philly Pies would rather be.
For too long, we have said “pie or die.” It’s time for this team to put their money where their mouth is. It’s time to get out there and win another championship— or die trying.

-Phoebe I. Ellis

15: Baltimore Crabs [-]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

Let’s talk this past season first before we get to Season 24, shall we? The Crabs did fine, middle-of-the-road finish, didn’t see playoff action. Silvaire killed people finally (yay? boo? I mean one of them was Jon Halifax so I feel like I gotta say the former), and literally nothing happened to us in the Election except we got the Roamless crate and we lost Grit Watson to Gachapon… sure.

Usually, I have a funny gag for these blurbs for the Crabs, this season I’m just gonna be candid. As I write this I have no clue where the Crabs are going to end up on the Power Rankings— probably somewhere between 10 and 19 I imagine. That sounds about right. But Crabs fans, whatever that ranking says above this blurb? Forget it. BNN is probably wrong anyway.

When Blaseball comes to its big moments there is always a constant and that is the Baltimore Crabs. In 23 seasons, Baltimore has won 5 Championships and we weren’t even here for two of them. The first and only team we’ve ever seen ascend is the Baltimore Crabs. The first team to blow up the sun was the Baltimore Crabs. The first of the breach teams to win a Championship was the Baltimore Crabs and that was in our first season eligible. Heck, the first-ever team in Blaseball history that we know of currently to win a Postseason— that was the Baltimore Crabs in Postseason B. And we have no confirmation on who won Postseason A right now, so I’m choosing to ignore it.

All of this is to say that if there is a team that is going to rise out of these ashes like a phoenix, no matter what color we are, blue, red, purple, orange, magenta, rainbow, whatever. It will be the team of Kennedy Loser, of Finn James, of Silvaire Roadhouse, of Pedro Davids, of Lorcan Smaht, of every former, current, and future Crab player (even if they owe me $50). It will be the Baltimore Crabs.

Claws Up. Dethrone Gods.

–Gary

14: Miami Dale [+5]

Hubris Levels: Very High

The Miami Dale finished 5th in the League during Season 23. Honestly, I would argue this is largely due to the Hype Train in Worldwide Field.

The Lineup got a Reverb putting Jomgy Rosenthal in first position, Isaac Johnson in second, and followed up by Qais Dogwalker in third position. It’s a solid start to any game. Rigby Peacelily was also Faxed in and Liam Snail was Faxed out by Caleb Novak.

With the Election, The Iffey Jr. is back in Miami in the hands of Jode Crutch. The last time The Iffey Jr. was in Miami was in the hands of Raúl Leal. The Dale also received the mod Walk in The Park, and Math Velazquez was recruited by the Tacos.

Looking to Season 24, I can’t say much has changed, and that’s a good thing. The Dale still have Hype for the home games, I expect Liam Snail to be Faxed back in, and they have Walk in the Park.

DALE!
–Kina McCloud

13: Chicago Firefighters [-]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

So, I owe an apology to Mcdowell Mason, because they were our best pitcher this season. (That’s not a joke. Best win record, second-highest ERA, and the only one not to be Faxed; good job Mcdowell.)

So Mcdowell returned back safely to Chicago after the Semi-Centennial, and brought a friend with them. Gerund Pantheocide is back from the hall Debt-free, and in prime position to lengthen our Rotation up to 6! Luckily, they’re at least a decent pitcher, so we may not see them Fax without an Equal Sun, which is more than can be said about the rest of the Rotation.

The Firefighters’ offense, however? A Magnified Reverberating Baby Triumphant and Magnified Swamuel Mora are proving to be a deadly combination, as seen this past season when they Faxed Axel Campbell in 55 seconds. And even after losing defense powerhouse Isaac Johnson for seeker Stout Schmitt, a hitting boost with thanks to the Lift may still let the Firefighters’ batting make up for their pitching.

This may not be the team we started with. The Firefighters have seen lots of player turnover this era, each one more devastating than the last. But there are still fires to fight and games to play, so with hopes for lots of Stables procs, the Firefighters will hopefully continue to do what they do best: putting out fires and surprising us all.

WAFC
–Stara

12: Core Mechanics [+10]

Hubris Levels: EXTREME

The Pillars were Stacked.
The Stakes were Raised.
The Team was Mediocre.

On the Surface
The Core is always busy with a variety of projects, but the Mechanics’ roster has been pretty tame in comparison. With no Wills given or Blessings earned, the only improvements the Mechanics found were through conditional roster replacements and Party Time boosts. Adelaide Judochop, a Magnified Subtractor, still remains on the Lineup. At a glance, the team looks very similar to how they did in Season 23 when they made the Underbracket Semifinals. However, things may not be as they seem.

Understanding Machines
The Mechanics have always had a complicated relationship with their Fax Machine and their Voicemail; however, the two have only helped the team in the last season by bringing Bees Taswell and Jolene Willowtree into active play. The recently Alternated Gia Holbrook has found a home in the Mechanics’ Rotation. While the team isn’t in its Season 20 shape, its roster is certainly formidable.

Work Hard, Party Harder
The Mechanics roster Partied 7 times of note, ignoring a Party earned by the Roaming Dunlap Figueroa. Of these partygoers, two stand out: Bees Taswell and Jolene Willowtree. Taswell’s Shadow Infusion in Season 22 has only been furthered by another Party, causing the team’s fans to dub their constant home runs “The Stinger.” Jolene Willowtree proved to be quite the Party tree, earning a total of no less than three Parties. This pitcher is merciless on the mound and will no doubt leave Voicemails for other teams.

Can We Fix It?
Consistency is unfortunately no longer the Mechanics’ strong suit, with numerous holes still extant, but there are still a few patches it can make in its hull. Its most notable obstacle and beloved player, Adelaide Judochop, who risks undoing Runs with remarkable efficiency, is only one Voicemail away from being replaced by Shirai McElroy, a pitcher with solid batting. The most difficult to pull off and powerful change would be getting the Alternate Cannonball Sports to prime their newly optimized cannon for pitching instead of batting.

The Core Mechanics really need to Double Down on their assets if they want to make anything of Season 24. Let’s see what they’re willing to lose.

-LexaByteNV

11: New York Millennials [-2]

Hubris Levels: Moderate

The New York Millennials are soaring! Literally!

The Semi-Centennial and the Season 23 Election seemed to pass the Mills by with only Beck Whitney joining the Rising Stars (along with former Mills Hatfield Suzuki and Castillo Turner) to have an impressive showing against the Vault Legends despite Hype and Artificial Forgery (Clare Ballard, Valentine Games, Chorby Soul, and Uncle Plasma representing as former Mills in the Vault). Unfortunately, former Millennial Glabe Moon ended up in the Vault in exchange for eldritch goose Sutton Bishop on the Boston Flowers via the Season 23: Vault Swap Blessing. Rest in Legendary, Glabe, hope we can break you out one day.

When Beck arrived, however, they became a pitcher and brought former Canada Artist and current Fire Protector Agan Espinoza with them. Beck is also currently an Underhanded Pitcher, which, you would think would be incredibly helpful…

If not for Sun(Sun) becoming a Supernova I would agree! Season 24 is a minefield of danger; from several Teams without Roamless at risk of Incineration to a flipped Depth chart (Consumers can fly??), Mills will crash into one of the two End Zones, hopefully.

In other Election news, Eve McBlase II remains with the Mills and Sandie Carver has been outfitted with a Literal Arm Cannon, as seen on Hall Star Axel Trololol. Mills pitching should remain impressive despite Sandie Turner being a Fax Relief (we love you Sandie T but please Voicemail first). New Postseason Birth Byung-Hyun Octothorp is a decent batter that will Voicemail in.

Mills GUAC (go up and climb), indeed.

-Clip Clipperson

10: Mexico City Wild Wings [-3]

Hubris Levels: Very High

Ok, there are too many pitchers. I’m calling it, I don’t know what the right amount is, but this is too many. Not five seasons ago, the Wings had three pitchers. Three! Now they have seven! I mean, what even is a Roman Vargas, anyway? Some form of cracker?

The Wings’ batting will be good, marred only by Summers still scoring unruns. The Wings’ pitching will be spectacularly inconsistent, and the Fax Machine will get a workout. The Wings are about 3 moves away from being a good team but with no way to make them, so instead there will be a lot of unwinning, and with the explosion of Sun(sun), that might be good?

Also, the Wings went on a blind date hoping to meet a lawyer and came home with a penguin, which I guess for being good at the splort was a better move, but I think that if I were under review, I’d want my lawyer.

–Spludge

9: Atlantis Georgias [-6]

Hubris Level: EXTREME

That Semi-Centennial huh? That…was wild. People got stolen for the game then returned to their team. Some were stolen by the Vault and a Supernova occurred. The League is doomed. But don’t let that distract you from the fact that Rigby Friedrich is pitching again. After so many seasons of being the star batter of the Georgias, Rigby has expanded the rotation as an 8-star pitcher. If you put them with Winnie Hess, that team would never lose a game. They’re scary. Very scary. They are coming.

Oh yeah, the Lineup is fine. Has some holes in it, but nothing that can’t be fixed with a Voicemail. And Steals is still pitching, somehow. Thankfully, a few Parties from the Afterparty could fix that or not depending on how lucky the Georgias get.

But this doesn’t matter as much, the Georgias rotation is pretty strong and that’ll be hard to beat even if we get toasted.

All you know is no matter what happens this season, they are coming.

–Daydream, edited by Ciel

8: Dallas Steaks [+4]

Hubris Levels: Very High

It takes an intense amount of hubris to predict anything in a season like this. The Steaks face two Debted pitchers, four teams capable of being firewalked on, and, most importantly, they completely refuse to have any significant changes, good or bad.

Throughout Season 23, very little of note happened to the Steaks. An item theft here, a Voicemail there, and despite 11 games in Party Time only a single Party was had. As other teams had their Lineups and Rotations see big changes from the Semi-Centennial game, the Steaks saw Jessica Telephone moved from the batter’s box to the mound, switching them from being a mediocre batter to being a mediocre pitcher. Incredibly, the Steaks actually won a Blessing for once which gave Holden Stanton a skateboard. Very cool. Here is an artist’s impression of Holden on a skateboard: o|-(/

While this marks the third season in a row of very little happening and things may not be looking up, they certainly aren’t looking down either. The move of JT away from the Lineup and several players, most notably Ronan Jaylee, being cured of their severe case of playing bad disease leaves the Steaks offense in a much more capable spot. While pitching-wise we have been left in the dust, we could still be looking at yet another season-long makeout session with the .500 line.

–Alexander (@DallasSteaks)

7: Houston Spies [+7]

Hubris Levels: Low

Spies… actually pretty good! After doing better than expected last season, the team’s looking up despite having a relatively quiet Election as luck turned in their favor during play. The Plan proved itself as Real and Can Help/Hurt You (depending on team allegiances) as Sosa Hayes returned to the Spies in a full-circle Feedback after 4 seasons of partying with the Georgias and Dale, and was a massive upgrade in just about every way over Siobhan Chark. After the Semi-Centennial, Commissioner Vapor returned in a much better position in the Lineup, now batting 5th (and being followed up by Hayes) instead of recruitment-required last. Chet Takahashi proved incomprehensibly better than expected and enjoyed a good amount of Fax boosting. No new holes appeared, either— the Spies still have a lackluster defense causing them problems, but their top-of-the-league offense usually makes up for it. Adding onto that, the divisional Walk in the Park helps out the good baserunners the team keeps accidentally running into, and Mind Tricks could give the Spies a slight edge against their competitors in Wild “Enby Baby Jail” Low.

There we go, all things that happened to the Spies listed. Absolutely no Blessings won five seasons ago that will finally pay off. No Undefined players Elsewhere over the end of the season here! And 100% for sure none that are already one of the better hitters on the team and an even better pitcher. Absolutely none at all. All members of the Houston Spies are not provably existent and would like to keep it that way in order to ensure their safety during the Fire Sale.

-cloud

6: Ohio Worms [-2]

Hubris Levels: High

For the Ohio Worms, Season 23 was all about them falling short: they fell short of the Most Wins in the League by 3 despite a 12-Win Streak and having the best record in their Division.

They fell short of a Championship, losing to the Canada Moist Talkers in Game 5.

It was a rough end to the Season but it’s far from over. Stew Briggs finally roamed away, with Rosales Darkness joining in their stead. Rosales is a big improvement over Stew Briggs who was a well-known sore spot in their roster.

To top it off Wild Low claimed the Divisional Walk in the Park Blessing.

Could it be an omen for an easy Championship run? Or will the title worm out of their grasp for a second time in a row?

–Kidror

RIV Pudge Nakamoto, taken from us too…

Wait, what’s that? Roamed out of the Hall? No no no, you’re mistaken, we know, but they got incinerated again this season, and…

Really? You’re kidding me!

You know what, forget I said anything, I’m sure their replacement will have an entirely uneventful career, at least. Let me just check the Blessing results this season…

Welp. Enjoy being the economy, Scoobert!

–Blenjamin Rees

5: Canada Moist Talkers [+12]

Hubris Levels: High

The Moist Talkers happily got their star players back from the Rising Stars, though some of them seem to have ended up in the wrong place. Eugenia Garbage and Slosh Truk, two very strong and consistent batters for the team, will be starting Season 24 pitching for the team. This does mean that the effectively 4 player Lineup has been reduced to a 2 player Lineup. Mags Banananana and Alejandro Leaf both said their goodbyes to the team and Roamed away, and replica Uncle Plasma XII faded away from the team, leaving them with a perfectly average 8 player Rotation. A new Evolution for the team can leave the runners “slippery” and allows them all to hold an extra item (how neat!).

The small Lineup will likely be able to bring in runs, but the lack of slow build will be felt, and they’ll be fighting a battle against the runs allowed by the pitchers. Eugenia and Slosh’s pitching performance will be key to winning (unwinning?) this season, as it’s one of the largest changes to the team.

-thevdude#6881

Hello,

I have been requested by the Canadian National Game Development Studio to contact you for assistance in resolving a matter. The Canadian National Game Development Studio has recently concluded a large number of contracts for MMO development in the New Brunswick region. The contracts have immediately produced moneys equaling at least 40,000,000 coins. The Canadian National Game Development Studio is desirous of playerbase expansion in other parts of the world, however, because of certain regulations of the Canadian Government, it is unable to move these funds to another region.

Your assistance is requested as a non-Canadian citizen to assist the Canadian National Game Development Studio, and also the Central Bank of Canada, in moving these funds out of Canada. If the funds can be transferred to your name, in your United States account, then you can forward the funds as directed by the Canadian National Game Development Studio. In exchange for your accommodating services, the Canadian National Game Development Studio would agree to allow you to retain 10%, or at least 4,000,000 coins of this amount.

However, to be a legitimate transferee of these moneys according to Canadian law, you must presently be a depositor of at least 400,000 coins in a Canadian bank that is regulated by the Central Bank of Canada.

If it will be possible for you to assist us, we would be most grateful. We suggest that you meet with us in person in Halifax, and that during your visit I introduce you to the representatives of the Canadian National Game Development Studio, as well as with certain officials of the Central Bank of Canada.

Please call me at your earliest convenience at 18-467-4975. Time is of the essence in this matter; very quickly the Canadian Government will realize that the Central Bank is maintaining this amount on deposit, and attempt to levy certain depository taxes on it.

Yours truly,
London ‘Don MMO’ Simmons
(-Athunin)

4: Tokyo Lift [+6]

Hubris Levels: Low

Lift… bad?

Look, this season is confusing, okay. After achieving the best record in the League last season, the Lift lost star pitcher Silvaire Semiquaver to the Gachapon, but boosted our divisional hitting and shortened our Rotation via a dusting.

But… is that good? bad? I don’t know. Will we even survive the season? Who’s to say. But after 10 seasons, Engine Eberhardt is 5 stars, and that’s all that matters.
–Spotter Pandora

3: Seattle Garages [+5]

Hubris Levels: High

At the End of an Era, the Garages are finally good.

With the Blessing (or curse?) of Precognition, Malik Destiny has seen what is to come. They are joined by Oliver Notarobot and Oliver Mueller, who will use the burden of knowledge to bat better than ever before. Walks will still abound as long as Destiny’s skipping, but Seattle’s star slugger is all the stronger regardless, and the boosts to Notarobot and Mueller solidify a pair of batters who hadn’t quite kept up with the Expansion Era’s league-wide improvement.

And thanks to the team-wide Booster Pack, the Garages— weighty Shadows roster included— have seen improvements across the board, including in their killer pitching Rotation. Seattle’s star-studded set of eight pitchers, who combined for the fewest runs allowed in the league last season, are sure to be in better shape than ever.

Two of Pre-history’s revenant Rising Stars have joined the Lineup, just in time to die again. They’re not the most exciting batting prospects, but they give Seattle a couple of new targets for the Voicemail— if anyone can manage to shut out the Garages and activate it, that is.

And finally, with Season 23’s Party Favors, the Garages have chosen to keep the Big Garage’s door open. Hang up your coats and wipe your feet, Roamers. No matter who you are, no matter how long you’re here, and no matter what you’ll leave behind when you’re gone, you are welcome here.

Yes, this means the Garages are likely to go down in flames before their roster can carry them to victory. But the Instability will be Contained. Nobody’s coming down with us. To the rest of the league:

Kill gods for us.

But we’ve got heart and soul here
We don’t care what they all say
And our future might be unclear
But you can’t take our band away
Misfits have a place here
No matter what their stats
Even if they suck, we’ll still cheer
Every time they’re up to bat
— the garages, “no parties in seattle”

-crab

2: Hellmouth Sunbeams [-1]

Hubris Levels: Very High

Okay. There’s a lot I could talk about. Nagomi Nava is still with the team, which is the most important thing, even though they’re currently pitching. If the Sunbeams ever manage another Voicemail, I’m sure we’ll see them back in the Lineup.

I could talk about the fact that the Sunbeams had 4 of the top 10 OBP players in Season 23, and that Howell and Paula are only likely to get on base more. I could talk about how Hahn Fox had the third most RBIs last season and will only benefit from Paula getting on base more.

I could talk about the fact that the last time the Sunbeams had Walk in the Park they set a new season Runs record and won the Championship. This was also, notably, the last time a Sun exploded.

But instead, I will talk about SUTTON BISHOP THE TERRIBLE GOOSE WHO WAS RAISED FROM THE FIERY PITS OF HELL TO BECOME A TRUE LEGEND ONLY TO WALK THE EARTH ONCE MORE. WOE BE TO BOSTON, AS THE QUAINT ENGLISH VILLAGE THAT ONCE TEMPERED THIS GOOSE’S ANGER IS NO LONGER IN CONTROL. ALL WILL FALL BEFORE THE ELDRITCH TENTACLES OF SUTTON BISHOP, AVATAR OF DESTRUCTION.

Also, I don’t know if good is bad this season, and I don’t know if any of us are going to live through it.

Beams beams.
–Panda

1: Kansas City Breath Mints [+4]

Hubris Levels: Low

JumbleTheCircle gained Fireproof Jacket.

I hope to dear God this doesn’t break in the middle of this blurb.

ahem Wow, what a season! It turns out Subtractor is bad. So bad, in fact, that we finished in last in our division, and then Partied enough times to not advance in the Underbracket.

We might have actually gotten the best Election results ever, though. Let’s start with the Wills, which we didn’t wimdy…BECAUSE THERE ARE NO WILLS! That means Leach is staying, and that awful Subtractor mod as well. Don’t be too disappointed though, because the rest of our batting is a force to be reckoned with. Set the Table changed our star pitcher, Winnie Hess, into our star batter. Rod.Net somehow continues to get more internet-related mods, now that Big Head Mode has given them 2x Magnification. And fan-unfavorite Zimmerman? They’re gone now.

JumbleTheCircle’s Fireproof Jacket was damaged.

Of course, the Mints’ pitching was going to be worse without the Horse. It’s not going to be that much worse, though. Uncle Plasma came back! Or a replica of them, anyway. So even if Twooney Faxes out (which they definitely could with 2x), it’s not the end of our pitching. Twooney got Underhanded, though. This somehow ended up being the least impactful of our Blessings, in part because they didn’t let many home runs in to begin with.

JumbleTheCircle’s Fireproof Jacket broke!

Oh shoot, I gotta finish this quick. The Breath Mints are looking minty fresh, and almost certainly won’t disappoint. Turntables might screw with which bracket we’re going to, but really, the only thing that can stop us is-

Rogue Umpire incinerated JumbleTheCircle!

The post Blaseball Power Rankings: Season 24 appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Ding ding ding! Wake up, Blaseball fans! Siesta is almost over! No— you can’t have five more minutes. Why? Because the Blaseball News Network is here with your Season 23 Power Rankings! Our expert rankers have spent the Siesta crunching numbers, reviewing Election results, and communing with old gods to bring you their latest rankings. This season’s rankings are so spicy, we had to add a new metric. So without further ado, let’s see what hubris we’ve gotten ourselves into this time.

24: Hades Tigers [-]

Hubris levels: low

Archie Lampman has come unstuck in time. They were incinerated in Prehistory for the Mallorca Whales, and woke up in the Hades Tigers’ Shadows. They can see time like a diorama. Not in sequence, but all at once. They see the Tigers in Season 1, with Nagomi Mcdaniel and Landry Violence and Nicholas Mora and a perfectly normal player named “Daniel” Duffy. Season 3, Landry going up in flames and Paula Turnip stepping up to bat, two championships in a row. Season 7, Ruby Tuesday, Moody and Scorpler and Frasier and later Yazmin. Season 8, missing Ascension by one series, Nagomi Meng to the Shadows and Aldon joins the team. Season 11, eternal Hellseries. Season 12, another Championship and Evolution, in the elections Mora comes back. Season 14, he is the first bitten by Consumers, a good amount of the team soon to follow. 17, Hiroto for Lenny and throwing Fireballs, first losing season. Season 20, 21. Alternations. The Tigers’ luck runs out, the players who carried them for twenty seasons are left diminished. Now, the team is in a slump and Archie is second in line to be Voicemailed out. The situation isn’t hopeless if the Tigers wanna return to performing well: their team modifiers and consistent Lineup provide a solid base to build on. Erin Jesaulenko is a fantastic pitcher, if they can hold onto them and make them pitch. Even if it takes a while, the Tigers should eventually return to being top performers. But the Era is close to ending, and no plan survives contact with Blaseball. Though Archie knows everything already has, and will always, happen the same way, they are excited to be there for it.

-Dargo

23: Boston Flowers [-1]

Hubris levels: low

The Boston Flowers attempted a yo-yo trick to trade for Castillo Turner but keep Chorby Short, but the trick went awry.

The yo-yo flew out of Boston’s hands and into a nearby Gacha Machine. Before they knew it the Garages had pulled the 5-Star 8-Star Castillo Turner out of a capsule.

Boston is left with a star powerless pitching rotation in desperate need of a Fax to bring Chorby Short back in.

The payoff for their long Lineup arrived in the form of the Subtractor modification not hurting as badly as it could’ve. Sadly, “Not as awful as we could’ve been” isn’t the recipe for anything but another trip to the Underbracket.

In the meantime, fans can enjoy watching the team playing Among Us, except there’s seven Impostors, and everyone is hoping that the Impostors forget how to play and the game ends when the timer runs out.

!!EMERGENCY MEETING!!

Brock Forbes was found dead in The Gym?

I just saw Baldwin Breadwinner come out from The Garden.

Did anyone see them walk in?

I think they vented into The Garden from The Lift.

Balwin Sus. I’m voting to Revoke them.

Baldwin Breadwinner was ejected!

–Kidror

22: Core Mechanics [+1]

Hubris levels: moderate

The Core Temperature seems to be tepid this season, and it’s understandable why. A tricky few seasons and Elections have left the Core rougher around the edges than during their championship seasons. Adelaide Judochop, their RBI leader from Season 22, has caught the Subtractor bug, and Ilane Snart could be playing a dangerous game of Fax Machine Evasion.

But the Core is never truly out of it, as they’ve shown many times that they can fix anything. If Jolene Willowtree gets back into the Rotation before getting Voicemailed in as a batter, their rotation still has a strength that many teams envy, and their Voicemails last season led them to more wins than most rankers were expecting.

Perhaps overall, the attitude of the Core can best be described by a simple quote from Astrid in their side server:

“yeah we’re just kinda hoping for things to not go even more wrong.”

–Roving Reporter Panda

21: Philly Pies [-16]

Hubris levels: EXTREME

It may be time for the Pies to change their strategy. For the past two Elections, Philly has been like a farm team, seeing other teams harvest some of their top players. The Pies have traditionally avoided targeting other teams in their Will selection, but, if things continue as they have, they may find themselves picked clean by the rest of the league.

On the plus side, the Pies’ actual Wills strategy of shrinking their Rotation to two players and moving an item that grants Underhanded to one of the pitchers, Lucy Tokkan, went through without a hitch. If Tokkan can hold onto that item, the Pies’ pitching should be in solid shape this season. Sadly, superstar hitter Jaxon Buckley was hit with the Subtractor modification from the Subtractor Avoidance Blessing, potentially turning one of the team’s biggest strengths into their biggest liability. While Buckley, one of the best players in the league, may be helpful against Underhanded pitchers as a Subtractor, they will otherwise effectively be playing against the Pies.

In a fun change of pace, the Pies might now actually rely on their pitching to prop up their problematic hitting. Will it be enough? Who knows?! With all of the chaos in modern Blaseball, the Pies prove even less estimable than usual.

–Phoebe I. Ellis

20: Yellowstone Magic [+1]

Hubris levels: low

Welcome to a Brief History of Yellowstone. Please open your Textbooks to Chapter 22. Does anyone remember where we left off? No? OK. I’ll refresh your memory.

A bad Reverb three seasons back left Magic’s offense as well as their defense looking worse for wear, and ballpark modifications didn’t help. Holes were left in the Lineup without parties or powerful blessings to mend them. Their Rotation lacked the fielding support needed to keep the opposing batters in check. And some dubious player grabs meant the best they could do was— as Magic so often loves to—”work with what they got.” Which wasn’t the worst place to be in! Like a troublesome class clown, Magic exerted what control they had to flirt with the invisible boundary known as “Going Too Far;” To stay in a position they could still course correct from before they were in deep doo-doo, and get a few laughs before the teacher could send them to detention.

Unfortunately, the real joke was on Magic. Few celebrations during Party Time and a lack of Voicemails proved that their performance last season didn’t land with the class quite as they expected, and they weren’t even sent to detention for their efforts. And if their lack of improvement wasn’t enough, their end-of-season results have put them in a difficult position. Ziwa is Magnified and takes the Lead, yet Alx Keming prevents a freshly Moved Logan from swapping back in with their Voicemail (and Alx isn’t a great replacement). Francisco is a Subtractor. Bevan is Underhanded, but Eizabeth continues to gut the team’s fielding, which exacerbates Bevan’s flaws. At this point, they have two paths open to them, but they can’t have both, and not picking one leaves them high and dry. I think there’s a poem about this. From Bob Cold, or something. You know, there are two paths diverged in a National Park, I’m wiser now, etc.

They aren’t at those crossroads yet, so there’s still time to make a choice. And either choice would be a good choice— Above or Below. But if Magic’s not careful, they may end up tripping over themselves and face-planting in front of their peers trying to walk down both. We can glean a valuable lesson from all this: It’s better to be bad than average. Class Dismissed!

–Nate

19: Miami Dale [+1]

Hubris levels: moderate

I’ve been waiting to write this for a very, very long time.

They mean to go on and on and on and on.
Miami is your Underchampion, my friends.
And they’ll keep on playing till the end.

The Miami Dale won the Underchampionship largely due to Caleb Novak. Novak had a whopping 392 earned Runs and 24 Losses. Some Modification boxes are just funny, while others are Magnify.

The Dale’s Lineup has gotten better, but that’s a mixed bag going into Season 23. Some of their best batters in Season 22 were Sosa Hayes, Rivers Clembons, and Francisca Sasquatch. For most of the Season, Francisca had Subtractor, but lost that Modification on Day 57.

This brings me to the Election Results,
Sosa Hayes was sent to the Georgias,
Rivers Clembons gained the Subtractor mod,
Stout Schmitt gained Skipping,
Sixpack Santiago was moved to the Rotation,
and Caleb Novak got a funny box. (Haunted)

Arguably, the Dale have a better Lineup than they did in Season 22, but not by much. Likewise, the Rotation was made better with four pitchers. but that could very well push the Dale out of contention for the Underchampionship.

Looking to Season 23, I think we will likely see the Dale in the Underbracket with Rivers Clembons having Subtractor, Caleb Novak in the Rotation, and none of their Pitchers having Underhanded. However, it seems unlikely that they will make the Underchampionship.

As we enter Season 23, I leave the reader a Party Fortune,
“Party like it’s Season 11, and be excited for Season 12.”

DALE

–Kina McCloud

18: Hawai’i Fridays [-6]

Hubris levels: high

Welcome, one and all, to the new look Fridays! What was once a perennial contender has fallen deep into the Underbracket, narrowly avoiding a spot in last season’s Underchampionship. Super slugger Beck Whitney is gone with no replacement after an Election Day shell game with the Flowers and Mills, gutting the offense. The Fridays rang up quite a few Voicemails, so give a hearty aloha to new batters Cordula, Melton, and Samothes. With their Wills, the team dunked Harrell back in the shadows and brought Juice Collins back to the islands from the Lovers.

With their Blessings— um. About that.

In an absolute windfall (wimdfall?), the Fridays won five Blessings. This netted them zero direct bell-to-bell benefits and alternated their entire Shadows and many of their pitchers, largely for the worse. Evelton McBlase was untouched, and Don Mitchell is still solid, but Juice and Fenry were not quite as lucky. The team is also fresh out of Underhanded items, making for an underwhelming Rotation. There are a few bright sides: Don’s Ego was reduced by two, the team has much less eDensity, and there are now some decent replacement pitchers in the Shadows. Unfortunately, Viberight Field does not yet have Fax Machine.

With all of these bad beats after an already bad season, you’d think the Fridays would be dead last in these rankings, but they have one key advantage over the rest of the league: no Subtractors. The bones of a good team are here: six batters and four pitchers is a near-perfect balance of power and resilience, and will synergize well with the Sinking Ship mod. In a vacuum, the Fridays may be worse than last season, but there is just enough chaos in the rest of the league to stump our panel.

Don’t be surprised if the Fridays finish much higher or lower than this ranking predicts. Better yet, do not perceive the Fridays at all. Just let them party in peace as they gently float away, borne on the backs of birds, balloons, and blessings.

–Traci J

17: Canada Moist Talkers [+1]

Hubris levels: EXTREME

Apparently embracing the small Lineup strategy, if you looked just at their bats, the Talkers seem set to dominate the scene in this upcoming season. Yet if you look at their pitching Rotation, it tells a different story: The Talkers went into Season 22 with a fairly average five-pitcher rotation, yet came out with a whopping nine pitchers.

what.

Due to a combination of luck of the draw, Fax fraud involving a replica of Uncle Plasma, and intentionally moving Greer Lott back to pitching, the team that used to have too many good pitchers to put places seems to simply just have “Too many pitchers.” The Moist Talkers also lucked into having the Subtractor avoidance Blessing hit their Shelled batter, Lucien Patchwork. Canada’s luck also backfired on them, however. After winning a Blessing with 0% of the vote that flipped longtime Talkers player Ziwa MuellerNegative, fate had it that Mueller would then get traded to Yellowstone via the “Little Swap” Blessing. In exchange for Mueller, they received Tiana Wheeler, an excellent batting recruit who is now pitching for them and who is liable to Fax at the first possible moment. Also onFax watch is roamer Alejandro Leaf, who roamed out of the Hall to join the Moist Talkers’ Rotation alongside regular Roamer and solid pitcher Mags Banananana.

Fan-favorite player Randy Dennis was sent off to Atlantis on the coattails of a low-percentage Wills vote for the aptly-named Slosh Truk, who while not a downgrade from Dennis lacks the Slow Build and Flippers attribute that Dennis had, which synergized well with The Moist Talkers’ emphasis on Flooding and short Lineups. With London Simmons finally out of the limbo that is the Shadows of Halifax, batting got a much-needed improvement, but it came at a hit to the team’s defense, with defensive ace Cedric Spliff entering the Shadows as Simmons took Spliff’s place in the lineup.

With exceptionally solid batting but some big holes in their pitching rotation, the Canada Moist Talkers seem set up for success in future seasons. In Season 23 however, how much use they get out of their Fax machine will really determine where the team falls, meaning this team seriously is a toss-up.

–Athunin

16: Charleston Shoe Thieves [-3]

Hubris levels: moderate

I thought they got rid of Esme Ramsey’s Haunted mod, but it seems to still hang on to them in spirit— Charleston’s batting is looking ghostly ghastly. There was a slew of landmines in the form of Blessings for them to avoid and they happened to step on the one that hurts the most.

I’ll stop dancing around the subject; Thieves got Alternated, and it was bad. Velasquez Alstott will be lucky if they end up performing half as well as they did last season, and Jordan Hildebert, their best slugger, is much the same. Losing two great bats— one of them being your best— is an awful blow, and Charleston is going to be feeling this one in their nightmares.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Conner Haley was a great pick-up and helps strengthen the front end of their Lineup. Oscar Dollie with Fire Eater and inflated stars means they won’t be leaving Charleston any time soon. Tad Seeth came home to take an Alternation on the chin to protect another batter and will hopefully Roam away for parties. And the Shoe Thieves pitching staff continues to look absolutely fantastic with Richardson Games supporting them. It’s just now they have a chasm in the back half of their offense that is destroying what forward momentum they build: Both from game-to-game, and now season-to-season.

If the Thieves are lucky, their Voicemail will sort out their batting. But it’s just another heaping pile of problems to deal with before being back in contention. Two steps forward, three steps back.
Nate

15: Baltimore Crabs [-13]

Hubris levels: EXTREME

The Crabitat is on fire and people are screaming and running frantically in an attempt to put the fire out as a BNN representative for the Crabs walks up to a podium in front of it all to speak to an audience.

Everything is okay! Nothing is going wrong with the Baltimore Crabs! In no way is there any mass panic or any sort of “uncontrollable fire” behind me, that is simply false. Everything is fine. Nothing bad ever happens to the Crabs!

Classic Crabs batters all return to the Crabs the same as they always have been, unchanged from their great run last season where the Crabs broke the single-season win record. Such batters include: Avila Guzman….

Finn James is Underhanded! Isn’t that so fun guys?! Montgomery Bullock is a 6.7 star pitcher, exciting! Silvaire Roadhouse still wants to kill people, but now instead of throwing a ball at people’s heads they’re hitting a ball at people’s heads. So much cooler! And best of all: Jon Halifax isn’t on the Crabs anymore! We hated them!

Nothing else of note is going on with the Baltimore Crabs. We totally still have Jessica Telephone. Brock Forbes is still alive. Kennedy Loser, Lorcan Smaht, Enid Marlow, Alston Cerveza, and Kaz Fiasco are all the same players they were last season, nothing changed. We swear! Don’t look into it! Crabs Good!….Yeah!

–Gary

Folks. Making it in Blaseball is hard. Turnip Economy? Dead and buried. Tosser bucks? Gone. Glovercoins? Like it was never here. The current economic system is unsustainable and unfair. You require a large amount of buy-in and a lot of research to figure out how to get enough votes to trade that player with the funny name for your team’s favorite s1 batter, angering three fanbases in the process. And, it leads to the massive churning of top players, exhausting our league’s natural resources. More, it’s tiring and hard and uncomfortable, which is the real issue. Do I seriously have to pay enough attention to the game to look at SIBR’s recommendations when, oh I don’t know, Nebulous Photosynthesis steals Tango Chachacha’s Actual Literal Super Idol Cap Of The Feast? Gimme a break.

There’s a better system. A more modern, fair, and flexible system. Old money? Out. New money? In. Choose…the future. Choose…to be different. Choose Blasecoins. $BLA are a new kind of exclusive currency composed of text strings ranging from 1 to 280 characters detailing a piece of Blaseball lore. It is, of course, an NFT: you pay me a fair price, and I log your name next to the Blasecoins’ specific hash in my Excel spreadsheet. It belongs to you, and it will go up in value as time goes on. It’s the perfect asset: imagine buying a “Jessica Telephone’s favorite wife is __” Blasecoin all the way back in Season 1. You’d be a trillionaire.

$BLA is also a powerful strategic asset: look at the Baltimore Crabs, my (former) team. Yeah, ok, the Alternations hurt, but the real death blow was obviously losing Jessica Telephone and the link to any related $BLA tokens. I advised moving them to the Lineup as a defensive play, but they just shipped me to Kansas instead. They’d be in a solid spot if they still had that: Enid has the most incredible pitching prospects, Ken is still okay, Alston can retire and Fairwood can…like…I don’t know, be exchanged or whatever. I don’t care about Fairwood. No one does. They would, however, if there was a $BLA that was like “Jessica Telephone’s favorite wife is Fairwood Patchwork!” Then the Crabs could trade them for Winnie Hess through an elaborate series of Equivalent Exchanges due to the $BLA tokens’ burgeoning value. And what about their pitching? Monty’s an alligator. Come on. $BLA : “Montgomery Bullock is a seven-star pitcher for the Baltimore Crabs and an alligator.” Come on. Why does Lorcan party so much? $BLA: “Lorcan can teach you how to party and would also be great with an Underhanded item.” Finn James exists? $BLA: “Finn James Finns Games.” That’s hilarious. $BLA is the future: don’t remain stuck in the past.

–Dargo

14: Houston Spies [-6]

Hubris levels: high

The Spies are Something going into Season 23. After a consumer-and-bad-defense-induced early Party Time the previous season, it’s easy to write off their Season 20 shark-infested playoffs run as the start of a long recovery period for the Spies, and in many ways it is. However, after some rare Parties and more common “Parties” via office equipment last season, there’s hope going into the upcoming season.

Let’s start with the bad. Alexandria Rosales got Fax-Mailed into the Lineup, leaving the Rotation currently as top-of-the-league pitcher Bennett Bluesky and… Chet Takahashi, who got Faxed in during the postseason. Plums Blather is waiting in the Shadows to Fax in again, but the loss of Rosales on the mound will definitely be felt. Not all is lost, though— they’re absolutely not a bad hitter, and being in the lineup makes Undefined more likely to finally be seen in action. In addition, Takahashi’s expected to Fax in and out, granting some extra Parties” to the stronger members of the Rotation along with themself. Kind-of-better, this part is only made more likely by the team’s weak defense.

There’s more good than just a silver lining though. To start, the inevitability of the Avoidance Blessings hit the Spies well. Paula Mason was given both Subtractor and Skipping, and the randomized count will make them more likely to strike out, walk, or strike-out-into-walk rather than create unRBIs. To offset Subtractor even more, Magnifying one of the team’s best players in Commissioner Vapor is going to have a massive impact, although slightly weakened by being at the end of the Lineup. All things considered, the Spies could do a lot of different things in Season 23. Whether or not they reach Party Time early again, make a surprise Overbracket run, or embrace classic mediocrity, they do know one thing: it will all go according to Plan.
-cloud

13: Chicago Firefighters [-7]

Hubris levels: moderate

Record scratch-

You may be asking yourself how we got here. I am, of course, talking about the state of the Firefighters’ Rotation. How have we gone from having one of the more consistent pitching Rotations in the league to whatever the hell is going on now in less than 3 seasons? Well, turns out a full team Reverb, Faxing a pitcher that wildly overperforms their stars, losing an Underhanded pitcher that had lost no games last season, and Gabriel Griffith randomly deciding to bat will do that.

Long gone are the days of having powerhouses at the mound. We used our Fax machine 7 times last season, and in our wings, we have former incin’ replacement Geepa Beanpot and Justice Spoon, who may be returning to their start as a pitcher after 2 Alts and 17 Seasons. Though all those Shadow Boosts seem to have begun to take hold, the Firefighters have another problem: Mcdowell Mason, as a pitcher.

That being said, the Firefighters’ offense is anemic no more! Turns out, having both of your star pitchers become batters and a Magnified Reverberating Baby will do that. Still, we’re going to need a heck of a load of luck to manage to stay afloat this season, and all we can do is keep our fingers crossed for an early Fax-Mail combo for Mason that sends Reverberating Subtractor Gita Sparrow to the Shadows.

The Chicago Firefighters have done weirder things in harder circumstances, but to make an Overbracket run, we’re going to need some help. Who knows though, maybe something miraculous will happen, and we’ll be back to crying “Where is BNN?” once more.
–Stara

12: Dallas Steaks [-2]

Hubris levels: EXTREME

It was another season of no steps forward, no steps back for the Steaks.

The team is still haunted by the collapse of its offense in Season 21 with Season 22 being only a slight improvement. What should be rebuilding time after literally every single batter’s performance tanked was instead followed by not much change at all. Season 22 Party Time had a disappointing payout and the Election was yet another one defined by sidegrades.

Star batter Conner Haley was traded back for Jessica Telephone which completely undid last Season’s Will but the Lift also undid theirs by bringing Engine Eberhardt back for the superb Knight Triumphant. On the pitching side, things are looking up as Baldwin Breadwinner, by far the lowest performer on the Rotation, stole the Fifth Base and Roamed away. Oh and also Gallup Crueller has been wimdy Infused for the third time in a row. Are they good yet? No, but maybe next time.

Once again the Steaks’ performance is looking to be more defined by the teams around them getting better or worse, alongside the hope that the mystery Steaks Bad slider gets put back where it was before Season 21. Whether we end up good, bad, or back in .500 hell is out of our hands— but perhaps it never was in them in the first place.

–Alexander (@DallasSteaks)

11: LA Unlimited Tacos [-2]

Hubris levels: high

“To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” -Oscar Wilde

Welcome to last threeson’s Tacos, everybody! Michelle Sportsman tore the league apart in Season 20, only for a disastrous Latesiesta and Lateseason Reverb to derail their chances before falling to the Spies in the Wild League Championship Series. Misfortune. That was fixed in the Elections, and the Tacos were primed to go deep once more, but a shock upset at the hands of the ravaged Hades Tigers curbed their title dreams in the WLCS once more. Carelessness.

The carelessness seemed to stick with the Tacos in the short term as well, as the team’s previously exemplary Will discipline began to waver, and in Season 22 their offense could no longer pick up the slack that had been left by a pitching staff that seemed to be slipping from its former greatness.

So where does that leave LA for Season 23? Vito Kravitz’s aching bones get a rest, with the Tacos embracing a slimmed-down two pitcher Rotation, but team captain Mcdowell Mason now finds themself as a Firefighter (and as a pitcher too, much to everyone’s amusement), and Son Jensen, finally on the field after a long-term marinading in the Shadows, wimdied away in exchange for the Hellmouth’s Hendricks Richardson (the reasons as to why have yet to be uncovered). Felix Garbage gained Skipping, which is not ideal, but Subtractor landing on new arrival Wanda Schenn, an Undertaker who figures to be spending a lot of time Elsewhere, and not a hugely productive batter when active, is a stroke of good fortune.

The power rankers seem to put Los Angeli towards the middle of the pack. After the chaos of recent Elections some calm and mid-table consistency might be appreciated, but if I may indulge myself with one more Oscar Wilde quotation, “Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” We’ll see if Taco fans agree based on how they tackle what this threeson throws at them.
-Blenjamin Rees

10: Tokyo Lift [+9]

Hubris levels: moderate

Lift Good? Coming off of an Overbracket Internet Series appearance (as well as Free Wills), our historically disastrous pitching is now middling! Although our Lineup took a hit (as did every other team’s), Kline and Grollis are not nearly as impactful as some of the other candidates. Will our historically strong offense be enough to carry out the Sixth Stage? Or will our mediocre pitching doom us to a late Party Time?
I don’t know! I’m so excited to find out!

–Spotter Pandora

9: New York Millennials [-6]

Hubris levels: moderate

How was the Mills Season 22? Well, the Mills managed to earn a place as 4th Seed in the Underbracket because the Moist Talkers were Wild Carded into the Overbracket. The Mills proceeded to place all their bad luck in skeletal taxi driver Munro Tumblehome, recent acquisition of the Millennials via the Season 21 Postseason Birth. They quickly found a place in the Lineup (thanks to the newly Ratified Voicemail) and managed to keep the Millennials in the Underbracket until the Finals… when Anathema Elemefayo and Clare Ballard II stole two Runs from the Dale via the Ratified Tunnels to UnLose the Underbracket. Schneider Bendie and Sandie Turner, longtime Mills favorites, are both trapped in the Shadows as Thieves’ Guilds around the League threaten to swindle them or any of our other Shadows (I’m just saying it’s poor form to kidnap a baby Pitching Machine is all). Pizza Rat betrays us every Season.

How was the Mills Season 22 Election? The Millennials… seem to not have changed much at all. Former Boston Flowers coach and former Miami Dale player Beck Whitney arrives from the Hawai’i Fridays as a last-ditch effort to ensure Castillo Turner getting swapped for Chorby Short wouldn’t leave the Mills (mild) high and dry. Thomas Dracaena is now no longer an Undertaker, but… a Siphon! Hm. Nandy Fantastic was unfortunate to gain the Subtractor mod, so any Run batted in by Fantastic would be an Unrun, and vice-versa. Munro Tumblehome gained the Skipping modifier and will begin batting with a randomized count of Strikes and Balls. The Millennials also received Blessings in the form of both a Lineup and Shadows eDensity flip, so kiss those Season 15-16 Consumer fears goodbye for a while, New York.

How are the Mills’ chances in Season 23? By virtue of most of Mild High getting hit extremely hard by the Elections (my condolences, Mild League), the Mills may by default end up in the Overbracket, provided Thomas Dracaena and Conrad Vaughan hurry back from the Elsewhere Wlaffle House sooner rather than later.

–Clip Clipperson

8: Seattle Garages [+8]

Hubris levels: moderate

Look, nobody knows what’s gonna happen this season. We’re getting ranked somewhere— no idea where. But the numbers are just guesses because nobody knows. Maybe… maybe we can look at recent events to take a guess of our own? Let’s do that. Here’s what we know:

Oliver Loofah’s a Subtractor. Malik Destiny is Skipping. Lotus Mango is in Philly. Betsy Trombone is pitching again, joined by Michelle Sportsman. We have a roster of sixty. Castillo Turner is in our Shadows.

Huh. Anything interesting from the past Season? Before the Election? Let’s check the Feed:

Mike Townsend hits a grand slam!

Well then. Get out the rye bread and mustard, Grandma. It’s a grand salami.

You may be asking: what does this all mean? Will Castillo Turner emerge, and will they make up for the loss of Mango? How much will Loofah and Destiny struggle with their new Modifications? What about the rest of the league? Will we have to fend off Consumers with our newly expanded band? Will the Boss’s exhibition match make the whole thing moot? Can Mike Townsend— currently Seattle’s worst-starred batter, first in line to Voicemail out of the Lineup— really help the Garages to our first championship?

Ask yourself this instead: what will you do when it happens? Mike Townsend hit a grand slam. It’s Season 23, and anything is possible.

-crab

7: Mexico City Wild Wings [-3]

Hubris levels: moderate

As a result of the most recent Election, the Wild Wings roster has blown out six players, or one more player than good pitchers available, and star hitter Summers Preston is a Subtractor. So Wings Bad, right? Well, hold on one second there. In this age of Hype and theft, home-field advantage has never been more important, and the Wings impressive record last season was despite having the tied second-fewest home games (the Lift had the fewest). Burke Gonzales is batting again, and a season of their hitting should help mitigate a loss of production from Summers. So, Wings still good, right?

In times like this, I like to refer to the Wings’ Scientific Algorithm for Understanding and Creating Expectations (SAUCE):

IF (Burke = Pitching)
THEN (Wings = Good)
ELSE (Wings = Bad)

Well, there you have it. Wings bad. The SAUCE has spoken.

–Spludge237

6: San Francisco Lovers [+11]

Hubris levels: high

We at BNN had a very difficult this season pinning down the Lovers. Now, this was not due to heated debate amongst ourselves, but instead, it primarily consisted of us motioning very confusedly in the general direction of the San Francisco Lovers Blaseball team. If we run down the team’s recent performance and Election results, it’ll be clear why: In the most recent threeson the team’s bounced all the way from inaugural Underbracket victors to going down in the Overbracket to eventual champions in the Breath Mints, and they did this by leading the current weakest division in the ILB with 69 wins, which, while nice, trails behind both of Wild’s division leaders by nine games. As for the team’s Election results, the Lovers accidentally fired off two separate Eills intended to prevent Kurt Crueller from being stolen away by the Mass Attractor blessing, both shadowing them and rerolling their Attractor to Walk in the Park, which is at the very least about a best-case scenario. Luckily Voicemail should take Kurt back out again, so in the end, it’s a marginal positive.

Thought all that was confusing? You think that’s what had the BNN rankings team perplexed? Think again, because all of that is next to nothing in comparison to what happened next. Specifically, getting both Subtractor and Skipping on the exact same player. Not only that, but they both landed on leadoff hitter Helga Moreno, which is either slightly lucky or extremely unlucky, I cannot tell. Oh, also, King Roland’s back, and based on the fact that they were frankly not the best of pitchers with the Fridays I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. Honestly, I’m not sure how to feel about any of this. Lovers good? Lovers bad? Lovers average? Regardless I can say one thing for certain, and that’s that the San Francisco Lovers certainly exist.

–Jade Townsend

5: Kansas City Breath Mints [-4]

Hubris levels: moderate

THE BREATH MINTS WON A CHAMPIONSHIP! BNN WAS RIGHT FOR ONCE! WE TRENDED ON TWITTER WOOOOOOO

Alright, now that I’ve gotten my championship screaming out of the way, let’s talk about the team, starting with the Rotation. In the least surprising twist ever, our Underhanded pitcher Michelle was taken away from us, leaving us with just a mediocre pitcher. The only really interesting part was that we EE’d Michelle to the Crabs in an attempt to defend. If that seems like it came out of left field, it did— we wimdied our Wills for the first time in nine seasons.

Lineup time! Now that we don’t have Underhanded carrying us, the batting has to improve to stay competitive. That did not happen at all. Our other will was a Take for Marco Stink that ended up being taken again. Zimmerman is still on the team and is still ruining the Voicemail. Subtractor wasn’t going to be fun no matter who it hit with only six players, but it hit Leach, our third best. Not great. We did get Reload though, which also gave Rod yet another internet-related mod, but it’s definitely not enough to counter the rest of what I just said.

In conclusion, The Breath Mints. Are probably middling again but who knows if the ILB will even exist by the end of this era.

-JumbleTheCircle

4: Ohio Worms [+10]

Hubris levels: moderate

And they are playing, the plate slamming under the cleats and the batters grinning nervously over their metaphorical brooms. Towering over them all is Pudge and they are rotund dancing, their small feet lively and quick and now in doubletime and striking out looking with 3 in the count, huge and pale and lovely, like an enormous friend. They never sleep, they say. They say they will never die. They get caught stealing with bases loaded and hit home runs only against Underhanded pitchers and laugh deep in their throat and they are a great favorite, the Pudge. They waft their hat and the lunar dome of their skull passes palely under the stadium’s lights and they Roam from death to life and from team to team. The Worms are playoffs bound. They have great pitching and a great start of their Lineup. Pudge is one of the few holes in the Worms’ roster, ready to Voicemail out, but only after dragging the team down. They enlonge everyone’s Lineups, they roam from life and death and from team to team. Their feet are light and nimble. They never sleep, the Pudge. They never tire. They dance in life and in death and they are a great favorite. They are dancing, dancing. They say they will never die.

–Dargo

3: Atlantis Georgias [+12]

Hubris levels: low

YOU KNOW THEY SAY ALL BLASEBALLERS ARE CREATED EQUAL. BUT YOU LOOK AT ME AND YOU LOOK AT KNIGHT TRIUMPHANT AND YOU CAN SEE THAT STATEMENT IS NOT TRUE! SEE NORMALLY IF YOU GO 1 ON 1 WITH ANOTHER BLASEBALLER YOU GOT A 50/50 CHANCE OF WINNING! BUT I’M A GENETIC FREAK AND I’M NOT NORMAL! SO YOU GOT A 25% AT BEST AT BEAT ME! AND THEN YOU ADD RIGBY FREDIRICH TO THE MIX, YOU THE CHANCES OF WINNING DRASTIC GO DOWN! SEE THE 3 WAY AT SNACKRIFICE YOU GOT A 33 1/3 CHANCE OF WINNING. BUT I, I GOT A 66 2/3 CHANCE OF WINNING CAUSE RIGBY FREDIRICH KNOWS THEY CAN’T BEAT ME AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN GONNA TRY! SO KNIGHT TRIUMPHANT YOU TAKE YOUR 33 1/3 CHANCE MINUS MY 25% CHANCE AND YOU GOT 8 1/3 CHANCE OF WINNING AT SNACKRIFICE. BUT THEN YOU TAKE MY 75% CHANCE OF WINNING IF WE WAS TO GO 1 ON 1 AND THEN ADD 66 2/3 %. I GOT A 141 2/3 CHANCE OF WINNING AT SNACKRIFICE! KNIGHT TRIUMPHANT? THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE AND THEY SPELL DISASTER FOR YOU AT SNACKRIFICE!

All this to say, Georgias good and didn’t miss a beat during the election. Sosa is back to boost an already strong offense, made a little bit more variable with Rigby getting the Skipping mod, which could make them a monster at stealing bases. Geraldine Frost was the best player for Subtractor to land on and with a decently strong pitcher awaiting a Fax in the form of Steals Chark, you better watch out, because the Georgias are good!

–Daydream

Normally, when I write one of these blurbs, I try to look at the weak spots of a team. I look for the things I can tear apart, the things that will really stop a team from making it in the ILB. But when you look at the Georgias Lineup this season, you really don’t see any of that. Losing Slosh Truk may have been a blessing in disguise, as Randy Dennis will probably work a lot better for the team in terms of their oppressive small-ball play.

And then you get to the Rotation. And you look at Jan Canberra. And you look at Ortiz Lopez. And you’re thinking “Well, they’re not the best, but they’re workable. The team could still go far with these pitchers.” And then you look at Lachlan Shelton. And you check the Shadows for fax relief. And it’s empty. And you look at Lachlan again.

Lachlan Shelton is— by all means, he should be perfect for Atlantis, right? I mean, he’s got “shell” in his name. Georgias should be shouting his name! They should be cheering for Shelton! Having a vaguely sea-themed name was the entire basis of their strategy for four seasons! To have one just dropped in their lap should be cause for celebration! Unfortunately, it was not. Lachlan Shelton is literally just a guy. He’s just a normal human man. He- he’s just a dude named Lachlan! What the hell do you do with that? With a guy named Lachlan? In Atlantis? This guy should be a clam! He could be a crab for all I care! Anything but a normal human man, and one who was on the Charleston Shoe Thieves to boot! Lachlan makes Knight Triumphant look good, and that’s all there is to say about that.

Lineup is solid, though. Could win a championship with that.

–Sydney

2. Breckenridge Jazz Hands [+9]

Hubris levels: high

Beeg Baby coming.

Baby Doyle was one of the two unmagnified players in the top 5 RBI leaders last season. I expect the superior Wild High Baby to be the RBI leader next season. This Magnification should increase the Hands runs by a whopping 25% alone.

“Beloved” pitcher Lowe Forbes got an Underhanded ring, so along with Riley Firewall half of Jazz games are going to be pitched Underhanded. The latter half will be pitched by a Partied-up August Sky and Wyatt Pothos.

Melon is a rough Subtractor, but Melon will likely steal home or get batted in by Baby to replace the unrun immediately. With 50% underhanded pitchers, the Jazz have better odds of winning games with negative runs.

I expect a solid showing from the Hands this season, but with traitors, traders, community chests, prize matches, and consumers, the underhanded items might not make it to playoffs. If the items survive though, the Jazz have a great shot at going the distance.

-Malst

1: Hellmouth Sunbeams [+6]

Hubris levels: low

Okay, first things first. Again, to the Solarium, I’m sorry, I have estimated the Beams. I know. But it’s my job.

Beams Good.

Our Subtractor and Skipper are both Eugenia Bickle, who had the lowest RBIs on the team last season, and Bickle could walk even more with a random starting count (as you are more likely to randomize balls than strikes due to how math works). Add in a Magnified Hahn Fox and you’ve got an offense that might even be MORE potent than last season. Miguel lost their Underhanded item, but maybe that means we’ll actually start getting some Fax boosts this season. And if we ever DO actually trigger voicemail, Guy Gulp is waiting in the Shadows now.

The last weekend of Blaseball was a pretty rough punch for us, losing the Overbracket on a 23 run black hole performance, but in a season where many teams got actively worse, the Beams might be positioned to take another run at another uppy.

One thing I’d like to mention before I go: In season 22, the Sunbeams had a team total of 438 regular season walks. The next-place Breckenridge Jazz Hands had 284. That’s 154 walks over second place.

Sunbeams are truly Walkin’ on Sunshine.

–Panda

The post Blaseball Power Rankings: Season 23 appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Long-time readers may remember our power rankings from season 11, the first season of Sun2 and Black Holes. Season 18’s rankings had a whole disclaimer about how we didn’t know how Unwins would work. Anyway, here’s what we came up with for season 22.

24: Hades Tigers [-9]

Last season was a miraculous one for the Hades Tigers. After hoping to finally get some Party Time and improve a few weaknesses across both the Lineup and Rotation, instead the team defied all odds to somehow find themselves in the ILB Championship Series. Hopefully that high note is enough to carry fans through for a while, because the Tigers are now stuck deep in rebuilding mode.

In the last two Elections, the Tigers won two Blessings to Alternate their players, and both times had very unfortunate luck with the new rolls, in particular with longstanding pitchers Hiroto Wilcox and Dunlap Figueroa. With the addition of the thrice-bitten Paula Turnip to the Rotation thanks to another Blessing, this Rotation is looking quite likely to be the worst in the league. Mummy Melcon may have pulled out some clutch wins in the Postseason, but they’re certainly not going to be able to carry this team on their own. While the Lineup is looking somewhat better than the Rotation with the additions of Beasley Day, Lachlan Shelton, and Hatfield Suzuki, and Famous Owens’ last minute Voicemail and Infused batting, it remains far too inconsistent to expect much of this team.

It’s time to face it: the era of the Tigers as consistently one of the top ILB teams has been over for a few seasons, and this is just the final nail on the coffin. The weaknesses from this Season’s Consumer bites and unfortunate Blessing rolls are going to take some time (and hopefully some good Party luck) to iron out. But who knows, maybe there’s an Underbracket title in the team’s near future? -Clio

23: Core Mechanics [-22]

Gather around everyone. Let’s not sugarcoat this: This has been an atrocious Election for us. We’ve seen Alto, a player we’ve poured love and heart into, leave us after a single game in an EE for Augsto Reddick from the Moist Talkers, who is, unfortunately, a downgrade for the Mechanics.

We’ve seen our great batting Lineup, after struggling for many seasons to make them good, be undone by one of our first Blessings in seasons. Unfortunately, the result is a batting Lineup whose stars have not only decreased but now overestimate our player’s performances on the field.

This is a tragedy, and I know how we are all feeling, exhausted, grief-stricken, and adrift. But you are not alone, and neither is our team. The pitching Rotation, except Mindy Kugel, escaped Alternation. Kelvin Drumsolo gained a massive batting increase through Shadow Infuse to become the Core’s best batter stepping up in our time of need.

What is behind us must not blind us because we can’t change it now, especially after Alto accidentally hit that flyout into the illegal time machine, breaking it. What we decide to do now is the most important thing, the path back to where we were is immense and long.

But we aren’t in a race, we are all here together, and along the way, we will create and cherish new memories like the Drumsolo, the Jaylen World Tour, Alto arriving on our doorstep all those seasons ago. We will plan, we will write, we will laugh, and we will maybe cry. So keep thinking about all we’ve achieved over these last few seasons, keep unapologetically being the lovely high energy people I know you all are, and let’s keep moving on, one step at a time altogether. –CraftedRobot

22: Boston Flowers [-4]

The Boston Flowers took a trip down to Blaseball 2, but no one was home. So instead of a gift bag of Evolution all we got was Consumers attacks. They took three hits to the Lineup, which had already needed improvement, but unfortunately, the Consumers weren’t interested in their worst batters.

Voicemail was Ratified, which was great news for Boston. They’ve got Zeboriah Wilson waiting and ready to go, after that is Zeboriah Whiskey and then it drops off after that. Normally, that wouldn’t matter to most teams but because of Bostons large Lineup, the next few players after the drop would still be better than what they’ve currently got going on.

The Election was rough, beloved star pitcher Castillo Turner headed right back to the NY Mills for Chorby Short, Debted batter Silvaire Roadhouse went home to the Baltimore Crabs in exchange for Adalberto Tosser, and an Infuse attempt went wrong and boosted their absolute worst shadowed batter Shaquille Sunshine’s Baserunning.

The good news for fans of the Boston Flowers is that they should be headed down on a quick trip to Party Time to give them time to lick their wounds.

Season 21 saw Boston miss the Postseason for the first time since Season 17, and if nothing else Season 22 should let them pick up where they left off in the Underbracket.

Let’s Grow! –Kidror

21: Yellowstone Magic [+1]

I think it’s poetic that this is the on-season where we learn about the history of Blaseball. Many great moments in the lifespan of the game have been etched into the annals of the League Historian’s texts. Beautiful passages detailing games long past. We wanted to help. This Sunday, Magic has created living history, and committed a forbidden act on par with the Original Sin. Yes, I am sorry, Internet League Blaseball.

We got the Glove to pitch again.

The problem last season was we didn’t lose like we expected. We can’t even blame our poor run production on this one, though, it was also our defense. We got sixteen Extra Wins, thirteen of which were due to Sun 30, which pulled us from a decent Party Time into a late, Day 90+ Hellscape. We wanted to take the dive, damn it. We were Underbracket hopefuls! But instead, we squandered any chance of improvement, and buried our best fielders deep into the Shadows. And then Alternated them. On top of that, we lost James Mora, the best batter Magic has ever had. And don’t even get me started on our Halexandrey-Bones Swap; I’d tell you the tragic tale of Bones Piazza the Wise, but they’ll just get Voicemailed before I could finish.

So we’re starting fresh. New expansion in the Yellowstone Magic Saga. It’s time for Magic Bad XXI: A Logan Reborn. Removed some old features, added a few new ones. Written by Natsuko Ishikawa. Star cap increased. You won’t believe how this season’s story ends. And honestly? Neither will I. –Nate

20: Miami Dale [-1]

Season 21: The Dale’s Lineup was still bad, and none of the Rotation had Underhanded. Voicemail, arguably, made their Lineup even worse by pulling out Tad Seeth. Despite how you feel about Tad Seeth, they are an Attractor that plays way worse than what the Stars estimation says.

Season 21’s Election:
Song #1: Bequeath Seeth. With 43% of the Dale’s total votes all submitted before Latesiesta. Whose votes bequeath you Seeth.

Song #2: Out of the Shadow Lineup: Was there a way out of the Shadows for Caleb Novak? For 7% of the Dale’s vote, this way out was by Swapping positions with Pitcher, Sixpack Santiago.

Song #3: Under Pressure Cooker: A surprise blessing for the Dale, but the Dale under pressure continue to dance. Something something, vibes, I think.

It looks like Season 22 will be an early Party Season for the Dale. Caleb Novak is not a pitcher and I’ll let you in on a secret. Caleb has the 2x Mod, they will be giving up a lot of Runs. Sixpack Santiago was a great pitcher, but they could still be Voicemailed onto the Lineup where they won’t preform well.

Dale! –Kina McCloud

19: Tokyo Lift [-7]

We say farewell to Inky Rutledge, packing their bags and heading to Charleston. We say goodbye Freemium Seraph, enjoy Canada (and hello, Cudi!). And we pour one out for Gerund Pantheocide, tragically incinerated early in the Season. Gerund was a legend, ending their career in flames of glory, with a Batting Average of .325 career-wide, and a much-less impressive ERA of 4.44 career-wide. But there’s a reason they were given a bat. 127 home runs since joining the Lineup after Season 16, and 266 RBIs, losing Gerund is about as painful as the other losses they’ve suffered this Season. Sorry, Lift. It’s too bad that Shadow Infuse hit Steals’ Defense— I’m sure with Voice Mails, they would have much preferred it go to Batting.

So, OK, yes, their Rotation is not looking good. Yes, their batting is inconsistent, hiding some real gems from across the League. But it’s going to be OK. Consider this the morning after your first time visiting the Gym in like, two months. You recall that there were some unfamiliar faces who you didn’t totally recognize. Your body aches and your muscles are stiff because you forgot to stretch. And you want to get up and get back on the horse and keep exercising, but really, maybe it’s time to just go on auto-pilot for a bit. It’s going to take some time until you’re back in fighting form – So let’s leave the burpies for next week, and maybe just start with some push-ups, OK? I definitely know what going to a gym is like. –Nate

Lift bad. I’m tired. –Spotter Pandora

18: Canada Moist Talkers [-5]

The Moist Talkers are coming off a surprisingly bood season and are optimistically looking ahead to the upcoming season. The sim has taken two players from their Lineup over the last two seasons, shrinking it down to an adorable 6 players (one Shelled), allowing good use of the Slow Build modifier. A big name has returned (though looking a bit different than the last time they were around) with Polkadot Patterson finishing up a mostly strong lineup. Slow build should also play very well with the new Sun .1 weather, as the Lineup will be strongest at the end of the game, when Runs are worth the most.

The pitching Rotation is looking a little thin, but a Magnified Underhanded Ziwa should be a treat to watch as long they keep Underhanded. Losing Underhanded means they should get themselves primed to Voicemail into the Lineup fairly quickly.

Will the combination of a small clutch Lineup be enough to take the Talkers from bood to good? Will the holes in the pitching Rotation drag them down to bad? Is Moderation going to interact in a strange way with Sun .1 and cause the Talkers to Shame themselves (again)? How badly do they want that third championship (and Evolution with it)?

Regardless of how this season goes, they’re looking very close to becoming serious playoff contenders again with a swap here or a buff there, and they’ll be the talk of the town again in no time. -thevdude

17: San Francisco Lovers [+4]

After another losing season, very little Party Time, and a brief second Underbracket run, the Lovers are ready for another season. Unlike many other teams, the presence of the Dynamic Duo in the team’s roster allowed them to continue their all-time streak of no stat losses whatsoever from Consumer attacks, and only one ever. Despite this, the Lovers suffered from two Feedback swaps, both with the Hawai’i Fridays. The less favorable of the two was more or less reversed, though former Friday who had previously been Feedbacked to the Lovers from the Fridays (this has happened a lot) Bates Bentley was sent back for Season 1 original Percival Wheeler. Jacob Winner and Juice Collins remain on the Lovers, now on pitching duty, while King Roland is still on the Fridays.

As for the Election, the team had another successful one, making the tradeback and swapping Winner for Winner, with a fully scattered Silvia batting and new addition Jacob on the Rotation. Overall, the Lovers Lineup and Rotation have improved in consistency, but with its holes still present, it’s hard to tell how the team performs this next season. Essentially, the Lovers are hard to pin down this season, they could be good, or bad, or middling, and if I consider all three possibilities that means I’ll be right no matter what. Anyways, I’m gonna go back to crying about the death of the hot fries meta now, see ya.

–Jade Townsend

16: Seattle Garages [+7]

We’ve got some exciting new results in the Big Garage— let’s look at them together!

We managed to Shadow Infuse Theodore Duende again! Having already Infused their defense, it would have been nice to improve their batting before they Voicemail in next season. But a second defense Infusion should help us nevertheless. And look at that! We took a helmet off Rai Spliff for Tot Clark. In doing so, they dropped their old Item for a much better new one that offers them a powerful hitting boost. Now they’re going to be a fantastic and consistent leadoff hitter— just what the Garages need. Our third Will… was also on-target! After reaping the benefits of an unplanned Magnify on Malik Destiny, we figured we’d do it again on Lotus Mango. Looking forward to even more doubled RBIs next season!

Wow. All three Wills went as planned. Our great Party Time boosts and a consistent conveyor belt in and out of the Shadows means we’re slowly but surely fighting back into Overbracket contentio— wait, what?

We got a Blessing? Huh. I don’t think we were expecting one. Well, which was it? Shadow Evolution would be nice. Or maybe Gaudy? Let’s just scroll down and—

Lineup Alternate Trust

Oh. Oh no.

Well, it’s fine, right? Lenjamin Zhuge only lost about 0.4 stars in batting. And Wyatt Mason X improved a bit. Alaynabella Hollywood, well, they’re really fast now and didn’t lose too much hitting power. We can deal with this, right? Let’s just take a little peek under the hood to make sure… aw, beans.

It’s not great, folks. It’s really not great. Due to some unpleasant placements of the numbers behind the stars, Mason X and Hollywood are very, very overvalued as batters. Thankfully, they’re also the first two in line to get Voicemailed, which will be disappointing for the fans who have grown to love them, but not too much of a hit to the lineup. Hey, who’s coming out from the Shadows in their places? Oh! Theodore Duende, that’s good. And— no, that can’t be right…

See you in the batter’s box, Mike Townsend. –crab

15: Atlantis Georgias [-1]

I’m gonna open up with a controversial statement, which might end up getting me a lot of flak. The Georgias might, in fact, be good. It relies on a lot of things, but it’s possible. If the Fifth Base leaves the Bubble, if Slosh comes back without being harmed by Uncertain, if some early Faxes and Voicemails occur, then the Georgias might be good. The Atlantis Georgias, the only team to never make the Overbracket, the only team to spend nine Wills on two players, the only team to have ever had Erin Jesaulenko, might actually be good.

That isn’t even the important part. The Four-Leaf Gambit worked perfectly, and the Georgias now have near-permanent negative eDensity, meaning they’re finally going up. To you, dear reader, I pose the question: Who would win? One billion fish or the sun? If you chose the sun, you either misread the question or are from the Hellmouth. The oceans are empty. Countless fishermen are out of jobs. People are starving. It’s a global extinction and I couldn’t care less. Fish were never meant for the ocean, and the world is learning that the hard way.

In other words, the Georgias’ negative eDensity is keeping them completely safe from any and all Consumer attacks. I’ve seen some people saying they’re safe from all danger, but seeing as Knight Triumphant is still in Wild High, I’d take that with a grain of salt.

As always, Georgias Up, Georgias Good. –Sydney

14: Ohio Worms [-3]

This past Wednesday, on the BNN Mid Season Power Rankings, I committed hubris. Not the kind I expected to commit (I did correctly predict the S21 Champs), but I made the sim notice me. I pointed out that there is some folks out there that think the Worms permanently want to lose, 100% of the time. While I’m sure some fellow Dirt Dwellers feel this way, it is not the prevalent belief of all of us. We try. We really do. We love our wrigglers, and we want to eventually see them succeed. However, I also pointed out that luck is a factor, and sometimes the answer to “Well, why did Team [X] do Will [Y]?” is the ever-popular blaseballian answer of, “Wimdy.”

Well, this season, half of one percent of Worms’ Wills votes went to Shadow Infuse Rivers Rosa, the pitcher who suffered several Consumer attacks. They got … their defense improved. To date, the vote percentage of every Will selected for the Worms has averaged 23.4%, EASILY the lowest of any team since Season 12.

At the end of Season 18, Roamer Stew Briggs made their way to Ohio. They’re still here; last I heard they were signing their kids up to a local private school. After Season 20, Pudge Nakamoto swung by. They’re living on a couch in the clubhouse. This past Election, the Jands didn’t even wait… they traded Roamin’ Jasper Blather to the Sunbeams. Yet, who just rolled up to Ohio, in an RV, “Tlouch of Grey” blastin’ out the speakers, kickin’ up pebbles and taking up like 8 parking spots?

Welcome to Ohio, Jasper. Hope you survive the experience … I GUESS. –Ifhbiff

13: Charleston Shoe Thieves [+7]

It’s important that we never forget that the Baltimore Crabs blew a 2-0 lead against the Charleston Shoe Thieves in the Season 9 Championships. The Shoe Thieves certainly haven’t, though I’m sure they wish they could at this point. It’s been twelve seasons since, and there’s still three active batters on their roster with Flinch, and two active pitchers with Mild: the reward for their hard-earned efforts. And it’s just been downhill from there. Besides the scant few appearances in Mild Cards and the topsy-turvy results of Season 19, the Shoe Thieves have always been a couple seasons away from proper Postseason contention. Their roster grew dramatically and they sunk into the Immateria for weeks, flailing under their own eDensity. Attractors. Ego. Replicas. Consumer Bites, Consumer Bites, Consumer Bites. It’s just been hectic. I mean– They– Look, I–

They had a goat. There was a goat, stuck in their Fax Machine. Just stuck there! How did it get there?! I dunno! Stop making the goat pitch! Oscar Dollie is not good at that!

But their struggles have bore fruit. They have Oscar batting again, beefed up on Shadow Dunks. Richardson Games picks up their bat, supporting a great Rotation of Gunther O’Brian, Cornelius Games, Snyder Briggs, and a recently-returned-to-Mild-Low, Inky Rutledge. No more Rotation size problems, finally. But if the name of the game is a shorter, cleaner roster, they’re certainly not helping their Lineup. Ten batters is a few too many, and if they wanted to see Shadowed players Donna Milicic or Vernon Shotwell pitching and batting respectively, they have to get through about fifteen-and-a-half pounds of raw ground beef by the name of Blood Hamburger first.

Regardless of what you have stuck in your Fax Machine, or who keeps leaving you Voicemails: You can stop holding your breath, Charleston. The Shoe Thieves are not bad. I know you’ve heard it too many times at this point, but believe me— You’re only a couple more weeks from Postseason Contention. Good luck! –Nate

12: Hawai’i Fridays [-9]

The Fridays’ run of charmed weather luck came to an end last season, as they lost two players via Feedback to the Lovers, including a key pitcher: Underhanded Juice Collins. The Fridays managed to rack up the third most Wins in the league and make it to the Mild League Finals, but fell short once again.

The Election has blown up this once dominant squad even further. Fridays fans hexed the pickle economy by Swapping Don Mitchell to pitcher, replacing Yosh Carpenter. While Don will pitch well, the Rotation will still be worse than it was at the start of last season with Juice still gone, and Yosh isn’t exactly a whiz with a bat. With the recruitment of Nicholas Mora via Blessing, the Lineup and roster have grown, reducing efficiency.

After occupying the dizzy heights of the Power Rankings for so long, it seems the Fridays are set to rebuild. If Beck, Lady, and Heat can stay quiet for a few games, the offense may get some Voicemail upgrades, but the secret sauce of the roster’s former construction isn’t so easily remade. They’re a solid team, maybe even a winning one, but far from championship contenders.

With Stevenson Heat (an Alternate at that) the last remaining vestige of the Season 1 Fridays left on the roster, the Fridays provide a cautionary tale. The only safe attachments a fan can form are towards birds, who will never leave us. Time to take a big swig of water while I read about what Balloons do! –Traci J

11: Breckenridge Jazz Hands [+6]

For the 3rd season in a row, the Jazz Hands were the best team in Wild High. For the 3rd season in a row, we had an Election where we got even better. It’s a standard now, so get used to hearing this same tune every season.

Look, I can’t explain why we keep doing so well. Collins Melon into Baby Doyle might just be the best 1-2 punch in any Lineup, but the rest of our batters are average at best, and our pitching is just barely good enough to get by. I don’t know why it works so well, but you can’t deny it’s a crowd pleaser.

What I can tell you is we’ve gotten great at organizing, have numerous 2-way players, and a Shadows stacked with talented prospects. The Pocket’s shiny new Fax Machine will soon fix our Lowe Forbes problem, and the Voicemail the rest of the league Ratified for us will shuffle our supporting cast around until they can stay on beat with the dynamic duo at the top of our Lineup.

Fax Machine’s impending Ratification will soon change the rhythm of the entire league. Pitchers will hit, hitters will pitch, and great players with low star counts will be relegated to the Shadows. Constant change, adaptation, and improvisation will be the name of the game. The rest of the league will learn this new pattern eventually, but you’ll be learning from the masters.

You may adopt improvisation, but we were born for it. THAT’S JAZZ BAYBEE! –deafhobbit

10: Dallas Steaks [-1]

As the Season 20 Elections were mostly a sidegrade, the Steaks took their momentum from an impressive 72 Win season and were looking to stay competitive. But they didn’t.

No one knows what happened and it didn’t look like it was happening to anyone else. For seemingly no reason every single player on the Steaks Lineup started vastly underperforming. Comparing OPS between Season 20 and Season 21 shows a tragedy. Jessica Telephone, Rai Spliff and Cory Ross all lost about 0.2 OPS. Ronan Jaylee was hit the hardest and went from 1.152 to 0.687 OPS. Needless to say they finished the Season near the very bottom.

But heading into Season 22, instead of falling further apart things are looking more positive for this Steaks Lineup, as their two biggest holes seem to have been addressed. Near the end of the regular season, serial bite target Forrest Best got bitten enough to be Redacted for a second time, and with Voicemail ratified Holden Stanton will be in line to take Regular Shadow dunks.

The Election was largely uneventful with the exception of one big trade. Season 1 original and longtime Steaks favorite Conner Haley returns to the team in Exchange for a Jessica Telephone that is much weaker after getting Alternated in Season 18. Dodging all harmful Blessings and not being the target of any Wills (except for the Garages stealing a hat) means things are looking up. But whatever it is that caused the Season 21 collapse might still be haunting this team. –Alexander

Dear The Sim,
PLEASE STOP KILLING OUR PLAYERS FOR A SECOND TIME.
Love,
@DallasSteaks
–Ophelia

9: LA Unlimited Tacos [-4]

The Expansion Era has seen many flavors of Tacos: Bad, Good?, Good!, Baco, Sickos, and now Goobie. With Underhanded Michelle Sportsman off helping The Breath Mints break out of gay baby jail and alleged murderer Goobie Ballson leading the Lineup, the Tacos are looking… well, let’s just say they’re looking. –Frijoles Jones of Taco News Unlimited

The Tacos did in fact Baco pretty well in Season 21, managing to make it to the Wild League Finals! The Tigers ended up winning the Wild League, and the Tacos have seen some changes: let’s look at them, shall we? Lucas Petty from the Mints was sent to the Infinite Cities in exchange for natural Underhanded star of the Tacos Rotation, Michelle Sportsman. Petty is an admirable pitcher, and McBaseball Clembons is a decent Fax backup for a solid Rotation with Vito Kravitz and Yummy Elliot.

Mcdowell Mason’s prized Clutch Wooden Rock Ring is back, and this Precious item should help in Flooding weather, which seems to be on the rise again despite certain currency-based CEOs dictating otherwise. We bid a fine farewell to NaN, who’s Roamin’ became On an Odyssey after a Shadow Revoke, so whenever they Roam, they’ll get a 2% boost! Enjoy yourself on the World Tour, NaN, and stay safe out there. No Blessings in sight, but the Tacos received alleged assassin Goobie Ballson in exchange for Fish Summer, who can cool off in Atlantis for a bit. Not an ideal lead-off hitter, but we can keep an eye on Goobie better that way in case any mischief is afoot. Rookie Son Jensen is the Tacos’ Voicemail relief, recently Infused, so wish them a great first game when they arrive!

How do I feel about the LA Unlimited Tacos’ chances in Season 22? Taco Baco, baby, let’s get that Wild ring again. –Clip Clipperson

8: Houston Spies [-6]

It’s hard to get a precise reading on the the Spies chances this coming season. Maybe it’s because that they have perfected the art of being undetectable, demonstrating excellent commitment to professional development. Or maybe it’s because that in a league where there is so much flux, so much unrelenting change, that when you escape it unscathed, holding your own, as it were, it is difficult to tell if that counts as improving or falling behind.

Probably that first one, though. Those Spies sure are difficult to perceive. Hey, was that a person in the trench coat over there? No? It’s probably nothing. I’m sure it was nothing. –Spludge

Comfort has come home to roost. A doubleswap with the Sunbeams and the Jazz Hands saw beloved operative Comfort Septembrish return to the spies, Agent Quack Enjoyable settling down to become a Jazz… Wing, and Jasper Blather Roamin’ over to the Worms. However, some unfortunate chomps to players, including Commissioner Vapor, team leadoff Blackburn still Elsewhere, and Alexandria Rosales having a broken Underhanded item means that the Spies could be in for rough seas sailing into Season 21. This squad is capable of a lot but time will tell what their secret plans will include. –Panda

7: Hellmouth Sunbeams [-]

So… that happened.

After a late season performance switch to attempt to miss the playoffs, the Hellmouth Sunbeams only missed out on the Overbracket by virtue of tiebreakers. Normally this would indicate that a team is, at least, pretty good. But the Sunbeams, proving that estimation is a fool’s errand, proceeded to speedrun the Underbracket, becoming the first modern Over-Under Champions in Blaseball.

However, hubris is what BNN was built on and Estimation is what we do here, so I must soldier on.

A trimmed down lineup and rotation and the removal of pitching threats like Castillo Turner and Michelle Sportsman… I hate to say it, but probably set the Sunbeams up for another high finish in Wild Low and postseason run.

Also we sprinkled Cinnamon on our shadows, which I’m sure is good luck somehow. –Panda

The Sunbeams were caught in a state of Superposition!
“Estimated“

ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Sunbeams
ECHOED Underchampionship –Emily

6: Chicago Firefighters [+10]

In all the chaos of Season 21, the Chicago Firefighters— true to form— managed to stay completely middling. So much so that despite looking like possible contenders for the Overbracket early in the season, they ended up with a win-loss record of 49-50 (suns not included… for obvious reasons). Not only that, they managed to miss the Postseason entirely for the second season in a row, making the Firefighters the only team in the league to not make the Postseason since the Underbracket was introduced.

Well, for the first time in a while, the Firefighters are looking like a formidable team. For the first time in the entire Expansion Era, they actually have a 9 person Lineup, and that combined with a Magnified Baby Triumphant could mean that the Firefighters’ era of “Win-By–One” is finally over. While losing optimized pitcher Kennedy Rodgers to the depths of the Shadows was a bit of a blow last season, their eventual replacement Alston England is looking not too shabby after two Parties and an item drop. Most exciting though is the Firefighters’ win of the coveted Darkside Flip Blessing; turning the entirety of their shadows negative, including attractor Alx Keming. That, in combination with the teams two Undertakers and their decision to flip the Firehouse’s light switch, should see the Firefighters out of Consumer range for the foreseeable future.

In Season 22, one way or another, the Chicago Firefighters are flying high. –Stara

5: Philly Pies [+3]

The Pies had one of the highest run differentials in Season 21. The more telling statistic, however, was their losing record against teams above .500. The Lineup largely lived up to expectations, but this Rotation simply is not equipped to succeed in this league— both figuratively, in that we lack an Elvis Figueroa, an ace to get us clutch wins, and literally, in the sense that our pitchers do not have any equipment that grants the Underhanded ability, which unfortunately seems to be necessary to compete in the current league. Our bats can’t win it alone when all too often their hits count against us.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to see how next season will be an improvement. Even the brightest spot in the Election was gut-wrenching to many Pies fans. Beasley Day, an original member of the Pies, headed to the Hades Tigers in an emotional loss, but Dudley Mueller will almost certainly be an improvement. The excitement of a new Chunky, Magnified Siphon is dulled a bit by the appearance of Tad Seeth, a Roamin’ Attractor who is sure to bring down the team OPS while also being impossible to swap out with the new Voicemail. We also lost two stars from last season’s Lineup in Ruslan Greatness, whom the Pies Shadowed in a mistaken attempt to get him back after he didn’t Roam, and Huber Frumple, whom the Pies tried to retrieve from the Wild Wings after Roamin’ only to have the Wings take them back. And, as usual, no Blessings made their way to Philly.

In summary, a lot happened, Pies still don’t have the pitching needed to truly compete, there’s a lot of emotion in Philly right now, and I need a nap. -Phoebe I. Ellis

4: Mexico City Wild Wings [+20]

Burke Gonzales is back on the mound. Not that he was a bad batter, mind; quite the opposite, really. But he’s a great pitcher, or at least was last time we saw them pitch. With two good batters in the Shadows ready to come out if the weaker members of the Lineup need to be Voicemailed, and with Brock Watson, the best batter you’ve never heard of, leading off the Lineup, I think it’s time we can tentatively say: Wings… good? –Spludge

3: New York Millennials [+7]

The New York Millennials have…disappeared? Well some of them have. Noted Non-Vampire and core of the Lineup Thomas Dracaena and three of the Mills’ Rotation in Anathema Elemefayo, Schneider Bendie, and Sandie Carver, have decided to camp in the Wlaffle House. At this point, I’m certain they’re either getting discounts or the Wlaffle House is patiently waiting for one of their favorite customers, Hatfield Suzuki, to arrive. Alas, Hatfield Suzuki was the choice of the Double Negatives Blessing. Twice? Twice. With Hatfield now in Hades, let’s try and Look Forward to this Season 22.

With Anathema Elemefayo moved into the Shadows, while Elsewhere no less (keep an eye on how that shakes out with the Fax Machine), and Sandie Carver and Schneider Bendie also Elsewhere, the Millennials must rely on Theodore Cervantes to carry the Pitching Rotation alone. With a strong showing in the Season 21 Playoffs against the Pies and an honorable performance against the would-be five-time Overchampion Baltimore Crabs (the red ones), Cervantes should be able to hold the fort down until the Rotation returns.

On the Lineup, Castillo Turner has come back from the Wild League for a wimdy trade with Chorby Short as part of an apparent Flowers-Millennials exchange program over the Expansion Era, and will prove to be one of the strongest batters, baserunners, and defenders in the League. The Voicemail shuffled the Lineup to a point where to the casual observer the Mills received another Reverb. Patty Fox, ILB Season 1 Pitching veteran…is now batting, and is pretty good at it too, managing to score the winning 2-Run dinger that defeated the Philly Pies. Sandie Turner was Voicemailed in, only to Voicemail back out to the back of the Lineup (or would be if not for Roaming Eve McBlase II joining the Mills after walking into Baltimore then walking back out). Andrew Solis, after a stint in Ohio, is currently both the Relief Pitcher and the Relief Batter, so it will be interesting to see where they end up (they are proficient at both and nothing a Swap couldn’t fix, probably).

Assuming no Flooding-related mishaps that send an enormous cactus through the Wlaffle House window, the Millennials are primed for success and perhaps a trip to the Internet League Overbracket Finals…. What’s that horrifying neighing sound…? –Clip Clipperson

2: Baltimore Crabs [+4]

This Election was fraught for the Crabs. After a thundering championship win, rumors flew and we heavily anticipated getting crushed by Wills. But… that didn’t really happen? A surprise Wimdy saw us with a Replica of James Mora, so we didn’t dodge receiving Evelton McBlase II as planned. However, Evelton immediately Roamed off of the Crabs. We expected the Flowers to get one of our pitchers, but trading Killvaire Roadhouse for Adalberto Tosser was a shock. The Steaks took their dad back and gave us Jessica Telephone, who has a solid statline despite not entirely living up to expectations in performance. We lost Fran Beans, which wasn’t a total surprise. Finally, we got Heist Expert, which is a fun flavor mod that might net us some close wins as we saw in the Internet Series. So, all in all, despite being a bit worse for wear it seems probable that Crabs Good. -@leo60228

Okay I get one of these right? I’m allowed to have one. Here goes.
CRABS WIN BAYBEE! WOOOO! VINDICATION, FOR ONCE ME SAYING WE’RE GONNA WIN ACTUALLY RESULTED IN US WINNING! YES! ONE AWAY FROM DOUBLE EVOLUTION! WE’RE THE BEST!

Okay moving on, we’ve been marked for death. Silvaire Roadhouse is back on the Crabs!… At a steep…. steep price. Adalberto Tosser, our pitcher of 21 seasons straight, never ever missing a single start due to being Elsewhere, Shelled, or any other reason, who had a 0.10 ERA last season and a negative ERA in the postseason, and single handedly through their Underhanded pitching and stealing of the game-winning run in the last game of the Internet League Blaseball Overbracket Championships won the Crabs the Season 21 Playoffs, has been Equivalent Exchanged away from Baltimore. This has resulted in Silvaire Roadhouse becoming the second Debted pitcher to exist in the history of Blaseball. The last one of course being the person who formerly batted right before them on the Boston Flowers, Jaylen Hotdogfingers, who spawned Ruby Tuesday.

Many other moves have dismantled the once powerful Baltimore Crabs of Season 21. In a more positive way, replica James Mora II has joined the Crabs off of a pinch from the gift shop after Mora was on the team for a brief moment due to Carcinization last season. But also Conner Haley was Equivalent Exchanged for Jessica Telephone. And Fran Beans was Equivalent Exchanged for Evelton McBlase II (who luckily Roamed away).

The Crabs have reason to celebrate, they won Season 21 and they don’t look half bad still. But these Crabs are not the Crabs of Season 21, and definitely not the Crabs who ascended. Only Kennedy Loser and Finn James have remained constants over the seasons since returning. And with Debt to be paid, that may change soon. So celebrate now Baltimore, because hard times could be on the way. –Gary ( on Twitter)

1: Kansas City Breath Mints [+3]

Good news everyone! THE MINTS MADE IT TO THE SEMI FINALS AT LAST! For the first time in ILB history, we did it! After leading the league last season, it was surely only a matter of time. Carried by our fantastic pitching staff and surprisingly decent batters, we… lost our way to round 2 of the Underbracket?

Remember when the Mints got Middling from a tarot reading in Season 15? I’m starting to think that cursed us to be bad one season and great the next, causing us to average out to somewhere near 0.500. Season 19 we were bad, Season 20 we were good, and Season 21 was bad again, so maybe Season 22 is when we’ll finally win a championship. Or at least make a semi-finals appearance in the Overbracket.

Apparently, the only thing we know how to do consistently is our Wills, because this is the 8th season in a row they went to plan! This was an Election of 2s— Mooney Doctor II became 2x Magnified, we now have 2 superb pitchers (Hi Tacos, sorry for taking Sportsman), and we won 2 Blessings. We cluttered up Rodriguez Internet’s desktop and taught Twooney how to steal items, in honour of beloved Breath Mint New Megan “Garcia Davis” Ito. Hopefully this will lead us into a longer lasting era of Mints good, but as usual, the only thing that’s guaranteed is that we will perform differently to BNN’s predictions. And with a Debted pitcher in Mild Low, that’s even more true than normal. –finn

The post Blaseball Power Rankings: Season 22 appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Well. We now know what the Underbracket is and how that Sun(Sun) works. Of course, as is the nature of Blaseball, as soon as we get answers, another Election provokes even more questions. The most common question being, “What does that do?” Nevertheless, our tenacious team of analysts have scoured the Election results and toiled under the heat of our many Suns to bring you the Season 21 ILB Power Rankings.

24: Mexico City Wild Wings [-]

I could talk about how somehow, inexplicably, Axel Cardenas is still pitching, which limits the maximum output of the Wings to functionally nothing. How the Blessing targeted to float the Glove didn’t because, by the time it happened, Glover had gone home. But instead, and with my most sincere apologies to Peter Allen:

“And someday we’ll all be together once more
When all the ships come back to the shore
Then I realize something I’ve always known
I still call the Wild Wings home.”

Welcome back, Summers Preston. Never leave again.

–Spludge237

23: Seattle Garages [-1]

What can you say about the Garages’ Expansion Era? I mean, you can scream for one hundred and forty-nine minutes, the number of Consumer attacks we suffered in Season 15— eleven of them to non-Chorby-Soul players without the shield of items to protect them. Or you can bonk your head against the wall twice, the number of times we spent a Will to bring a long-beloved player onto the active roster only for them to play less than a season and Feedback away. You can groan for five hours, the number of former Garages in the Vault. Or you can lie on the floor, listen to the band’s new EP, and cry about Sparks Beans, the Garages’ first incineration during a game since Season 3. 

In Season 20, the Garages hosted Party Time for the second time in six seasons. We’ve seen good players leave and tried to do our best with what came back in their place— if we even got anyone. We’ve spent seasons trying to end Jaylen’s world tour that saw them Flickering across the league and leaving mayhem in their wake. And after all that, we’re finally seeing the light at the end of the Tunnel.

Oliver Loofah— tragically Shelled half a season into their debut and Feedbacked away before they could get out— is back, though in need of a quick trip through the Fax Machine before we can bring them back out onto the Lineup. Arturo Huerta, star pitcher turned notable basethief by accidental necromancy and a wimdy Blessing, is finally back on the mound. Taking their place is Tot Clark, a Season 1 Garages pitcher who has always been a better batter, fulfilling a dream of Garages fans old and new to get them to a place where they can do some real slugging. Chaotic catboy Malik Destiny has found themself Magnified, turning one of the team’s more consistent batters into a source of double-dipped RBIs. And though they missed the planned Shadow Infuse, Theodore Duende lurks in the shadows, ready to return in better form than ever.

Season 21 might not be the Garages’ year just yet. But for the first time in a while, the sun is shining over the Emerald City.

– crab

22: Yellowstone Magic [-6]

Every sunday I’ve had this recurring dream. In it, I’m dancing through a lavender field filled with those little thistles growing underneath a sea of purple. The sky is green and the clouds fly up and down and not lazily across the bright turquoise air above me. In it I see all of Magic’s old friends. I see Kurt Crueller and Chorby Short. I see Oscar Dollie. Inky Rutledge. Penelope Mathews. I think Alyssa Harrell too. They’re standing there with sorrowful smiles, waving to me. When I see them, I begin to run towards them. I reach out, but they always go farther and farther away the harder I run. When I finally stop, I’ve found myself outside of the lavender gardens, the thistles stuck to the hair on my legs. A shadow is cast over me, and the chill of a damp, begloved hand falls on my shoulder.

“You didn’t forget about me, did you?” It hisses, speaking directly into my brain. “You know what happens when you forget about me.” A horrible chill runs down my spine, and I feel compelled against every fibre in my body to turn and face where this voice comes from. Something breathes against the back of my neck and I feel the heat of a collapsed star. “Like a lost glove,” It croaks, “You’ll always find me again.”

Wyatt Glover punches me in the jaw with their clammy knuckles. In those nightmares, I’m supposed to wake up shrieking. But not now. I’m crying on the ground as this Hamburger Helper() lookin’ fool hovers over me.

“You thought that was a Party Time Speedrun? No. The Real Party Time Speedrun Begins Now,” they rumble. 

My name is the Magic. And when I thought it couldn’t possibly get worse, it did. See you in the Underbracket.
Oh also Tiana has Flinch. Lmao.

–Nate

21: San Francisco Lovers [-2]

The Lovers have had quite the eventful Season 20, winning the first-ever Underbracket in a rematch series against the Wild Wings, reminiscent of the previous meeting of the two teams on the big stage in Season 7. In addition, Lovers leadoff Theo King has continued their 9-season streak of dodging getting Shadowed, bolstering a Postseason ERA in the .400’s despite having the Underperforming Mod due to Unambitious.

Instead, Tot Fox was Shadowed in an exchange for Kurt Crueller, an Attractor who, behind their fake stars, still displays an impressive stat line. These stats are made better by a lucky offensive infusion of Crueller, making them an even more impressive prospect. On top of that blatant boost to the Lovers offense, Tot Fox’s Flinch has been rerolled for Affinity for Crows, readying Tot for a return to the Lineup next Election. All that said, though, the Lovers did Unwin the Underbracket, which tells you a little about their overall performance level, namely their pitching Rotation that still maintains its holes. In summary, the Lovers are still bad. Not, like, Underchampion bad, though.

–Jade Townsend

20: Charleston Shoe Thieves [-]

Season 20 was solid, if unspectacular for the Shoe Thieves. After improving their record from the 21st to the 16th best in the league, the development is there for all to see. Incoming Shadow Fax… Blenjamin Rees is replaced by tealdeer.

Our collective ERA dropped from (closes eyes, rubs forehead) 6.54 in Season 19 to 4.34 in Season 20, mostly thanks to Goodwin Morin III. They have now turned to dust, thus reducing the Thieves’ Rotation by one. We salute you and thank you for your sacrifice, GoodwIIIn.

Incoming Shadow Fax… tealdeer is replaced by Tsuchigumo. So THAT’s what it’s like to be Faxed. Feels… itchy.

All in all, things went well for us in the Election. Although we didn’t get any Blessings, this probably doesn’t truly hurt us. Many of our options this season were questionable at best, and not knowing if we’d get our desired Wills made many potentially good options too risky. Two Freakin’ Bats would have been nice, but honestly? I’ll take nothing over wimdy.

Improving a team is a gradual process, and with this season’s Wills, we’ve made significant strides in the right direction. Everyone’s favorite aunt, Donna Milicic, has left the Lineup in favor of some rest in the Shadows. In addition, Cornelius and Richardson Games have seen both a return to more comfortable positions in the roster and some quality couples therapy.

Unfortunately, we also took a step backwards. The Garages took Oliver Loofah back in exchange for Terrell Bradley, which will be a blow to our offense. I’m sure Oli would want us to live, laugh, and loof this one off, and we’ll miss them. As much as I’d like to say on the matter, I can already hear the Fax Machine warming up. We really should look into getting another one, given how much we use this o-

Incoming Shadow Fax… Tsuchigumo is replaced by tealdeer. Between the loss of Oli and the Consumer attacks on Jordan Hildebert and Velasquez Alstott, the Lineup probably still needs to cook for another season before reaching full potential. On the bright side, with Cornelius and Donna now ready to Fax into the Rotation, there’s a real chance our pitching won’t be abysmal this season.

Incoming Shadow Fax… tealdeer is replaced by Blenjamin Rees. Sadly, Rogue Umpires continue to be the scourge of the ILB, with Alejandro Leaf the latest tragic incineration. RIV, Aly. 

Incoming Shadow Fax… Blenjamin Rees is replaced by Charleston Faxmachine. Have they finally sorted the Rotation? I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Working all this overtime is taking it out of me. I barely get any chance to unwind, knowing I could be called upon at any moment. What’s that? They’ve kinda fixed it? What does kinda mean? You know what, beggars can’t be choosers, I’ll take it. Maybe I’ll finally get the time to ask that Fax Machine at The Meadow out for dinner…

19: Breckenridge Jazz Hands [-2]

Jazz Hands: Are we good?
BNN: You moved Zippy to the shadows. That is good.
Jazz: Great!
BNN: …but you were coating off of the hype train last season and that burned out.
Jazz: Rough…
BNN: You also managed to reform Liquid Friend. That is good.
Jazz Hands: Solid!
BNN: ….but Liquid Friend was vaulted by plot. That is bad.
Jazz Hands: Okay…
BNN: The top of your lineup gets to bat more though. That is good. 
Jazz: Nice!
BNN: …but Jasper Blather is still on your team and also bats more. That is bad. 
Jazz: Unlucky….
BNN: Riley Firewall is still underhanded. 
Jazz: Awesome!
BNN: ….but they are an undertaker and constantly go elsewhere. Resulting in Lowe Forbes double pitching. That is
bad.
Jazz:…….Can we just play ball?

-Malst

18: Miami Dale [-5]

Here in Miami, math heavy Seasons are becoming increasingly common and complicated.  In order to process and give an accurate outlook of Season 21 for the Miami Dale I need to put on my MIBR* branded thinking cap.

*For reference MIBR is the Miami Internet Blaseball Research, the leading researchers of all Daledvanced Stlats such as Bungles.

The Dale were ranked 13th in last Season’s Power Rankings, and Season 20 nearly matched that prediction with the Dale ending in 12th place. Frankly, the Dale attempted to increase their Parties per Party Time by requesting Gifts that would cause the Dale to lose games, including the notoriously low Bungles Pitcher, Chorby Soul V. The Miami Dale did Party, but even a Pitcher like Chorby Soul V was viable in the Postseason Overbracket because of the Sun(Sun). Please see your local Mathematician for an explanation of Sun(Sun).

Caleb Novak has had a Season where they perform better than their Star Count would suggest. With the Election, Caleb has been Magnified which will make their RBI’s doubled due to the Modification 2x.

I happen to agree with MIBR’s research on Caleb’s Stlats, “Give Caleb Novak all the mods to wreck gods.”

Also during the Election, Rush Ito was moved to the Lineup while Summer’s Preston was Exchanged for Trinity Smaht. Finally, Liam Snail received a Green Light.

The Dale Rotation only got better this season with Howell Rocha Partying during the Lateseason. Howell has been throwing faster strikes during practice which can only mean that their Bungles Stlat is going up!

That said, the Extreme Cheese Flavor Stlats of the Dale Lineup is incredibly Uppy Downy. Some Players like Jomgy Rolsenthal or Rivers Clembons are performing well, but other Players continue to struggle. Case in point, Qais Dogwalker ate a peanut this Season and their performance suffered.

Season 21 will see Dale play much the same way as Season 20, unless something changes.

Dale!
–Kina McCloud

17: Boston Flowers [-3]

I’m doing something new, and will do my breakdown by following an acronym that’s easy to use and simple to understand.

D – Diagnosis: We start by Diagnosing their previous season. 

It wasn’t great for the Boston Flowers, they finished in 21st place. Their long Lineup was full of holes, and ultimately was swept out of the Underbracket.

E – Election: Now we talk about the Election. 

The Flowers had Free Wills and landed 2 out of the 3 upgrades they were after. 
They swapped Chorby Short for Castillo Turner, who I will remind you has 30.7 Combined Stars.
They extended their Lineup by moving the notoriously bad Owen Picklestein out of the Shadows an rerolled Silvaire Roadhouses Flinch allowing them to finally hit the ball.

B – Batting: Now it’s time we break down their Batting.

Sporting a massive 13 batters their Lineup is equal to or longer than about half the League’s teams. 
The first half is bad, but the second half is good when they get that far. 
The most concerning issue is going to be the impact of Underhanded Pitchers; Boston relies heavily on hitting Home Runs to make up for their weak start, and that just won’t fly this Season.

T – Throwing: And lastly we talk about Boston’s Throwing, or Pitching if you want to be accurate.

We can simply describe their Pitching as “really good.” 
Cory Twelve took an allergic reaction but is still good, Gloria Bugsnax is a delight, Castillo Turner would not be satisfied with all of the pitching stars in Baseball, and Brock Forbes is as solid as a rock.
As we can see, Boston is still going to be bad and should be favorites to reach the Underbracket. Their strong pitching means they’re not favorites to win it all, but it’ll be their fourth Postseason in a row, which is fun.

I feel like I’m forgetting something really important that will impact the Division and potentially the League as a whole. But I guess it can’t be that important if I forgot.

Anyway, that’s it folks. Remember to use my simple technique to get the best team analysis around. All you need to do is to remember DEBT.
–Kidror

16: Chicago Firefighters [+2]

Season 5, Day 30. The Chicago Firefighters experience the second-ever full team Reverb. At first glance it seems rough; moving the then-highest-star pitcher in the league, Axel Trololol, to batting and moving several other players between the Lineup and Rotation. Instead. it’s a blessing in disguise and the team goes on to win the championship that season.

Almost exactly 15 seasons later, the Firefighters experience their second full team Reverb, which at first glance is similarly devastating. Reversing the Season 15 Election Swap of Lou Roseheart and Wesley Poole to the Lineup and Rotation respectfully seems like a major hit, and moving 4-star batter Wanda Schenn to the Rotation for a 2-star replacement is also rough. For the Firefighters though, it was a similar sight to Season 5: Lou seems to be a better batter and baserunner than Wesley ever was, and Wes has been holding their own on the mound. Wanda has Partied themself into being a solid pitcher in their own right, and is only aided by an Underhanded cap, while Clare Mccall is at least less harm on the Lineup than they were on the Rotation. Add to that the return of former Firefighter Gabriel Griffith and you’re looking at a deceptively good roster.

Will it be enough to keep the Firefighters afloat against the powerhouses of Wild Low? Who knows. But there’s one thing for sure, and that’s that Reverb never hurts the Firefighters.

–Stara

15: Hades Tigers [-5]

“Hang- hang on. Hang on a second. Wait, ju- hang, just hold on. Stop. Hang on, wait, I don’t… Uh, uh, wait j- hang… just hold on. Hello? Hi. Help. Wait, just sto- just stop, just slow down for a minute I gotta- just, I gotta- I got- Ahh, uh, hang on.

Yeah.

I’m pretty sure we’re a blaseball team.”

As dictated to Panda by Violence News Network

14: Tokyo Lift [+9]

Season 21— specifically the Season 20 Elections— is the Tokyo Lift’s 10 season birthday. And how much we’ve grown from-

What? 23rd in the last PR?

But 9th in the standings! Where is BNN? 

Oh. Right here.

Yeah, Lift good, if you haven’t heard, and on its way to getting better, with deceptively good pitching (although no Underhanded items) and a really solid Lineup. Engine Eberhardt for Knight Triumphant was a sidegrade at best, but Eve McBlase II roaming was clutch for an era where the Lift are struggling to feel like Sunday won’t just make them worse.

Due to an errant Wildcard, Lift’s Fax prep includes a newly-hatched 4 star pitcher, but the decidedly large Gym keeps all but the best teams from Faxing them at all.

Now, will any of this be enough for another championship win?

Uh…

…probably not. But a second Wild High Playoffs spot could happen. Maybe. Don’t quote me on that.

–Spotter Pandora

13: Canada Moist Talkers [-1]

|-•—————————————————————————————————– | 0:06 – 21:57

Commissioner Vapor Traxx – It’s Time. (MOISTHOUSETV Announcement)

7,752,162 Views • 20 Jun 2021 0  0 (Likes Disabled)

Moist House TV ✓

37.59M subscribers

An apology video.

Hey wet ones, looks like I owe you one big sawrry, lmao

We had some really good times together last season. Spliff with the crazy sub pranks and some HILARIOUS feedback (lmao Jacobyyyy! My duuuuude!) but I gotta get it out from under my brain juice. It’s not the same without my boy Koch. I got offered an extended contract w/ lots of perks over in Dalston, I think [Ed. notes: Houston, he’s referring to Houston.] and it was an offer I couldn’t refuse [ed: Literally]. I know Greer’s back batting and that’s cool? lmao, but idk if I can stay without goin a little bit outta my orb, yk? Maybe I can make an overbracket run with Dalston! idk. So yeah, sayin bye to my fave Moisties, since I’ll be leaving Moist House TV.

You guys are cool, tho. You’ll get tons done without me, for sure [ed. Probably in the underbracket.], get a cool third ring [ed. Again, probably in the underbracket], maybe watch MHTV grow as people [ed. Debatable for Greer]… Yeah you guys are gonna be fine, lmao.

So yeah uhhh, this is CV signin’ off from Moist House TV. I’ll miss you guys, and I’ll make sure to visit! peacccceeee!!!! 

The Commish V

Editor’s Notes: We received word from Vapor that he will not be permitted to visit. 

–Nate

12: Atlantis Georgias [+3]

Alright, Georgias, we had a bad run. We lost Jan, we lost Niq, it was— nobody enjoyed anything that was happening to us. But now. NOW. Now we turn around. We’ve got Erin, notably a bad batter, on the Rotation. We’ve got Jan, notably a bad batter, on the Rotation. We’ve got Big Grack, notably a bad batter, on the Lineup. It’s over for the ILB. The Georgias are going up.

That’s right baby, the Georgias are going up. Half of our Shadows are Negative! Our items are made out of helium! These fish can’t even stay in the ocean! Look out the window! Look at the ocean! Those goshdang fish are going all the way to the sun! We don’t— what the heck are consequences? Let’s touch those cacti, baby! Let’s pop!

Alright, alright, we had our fun. Enough jokes. It’s time to be a bit serious now. You see, the Georgias have a problem. Wild High has a problem. And that problem is named Knight Triumphant. That monster is on the Lift, back in the Wild High, and nobody knows what they’re gonna do. They’ll snap at any moment. They ruined the Georgias and they’ll do it to all the rest of us. Watch out for that Triumphant. They’ve got everyone else fooled, but not me. Not me.

Georgias good. Georgias up.

–Sydney

11: Ohio Worms [+10]

Season 20 was a rough time for the Ohio Worms. 

Their performance was weighed down by Rivers Rosa, but it still wasn’t enough to worm their way to the bottom of Wild Low. 

They were outpaced by the Boston Flowers thus denying them Bottom Feeder once more.

Come the Election their Will was clear, remove Rivers Rosa.

It was so clear that they Swapped then for the Shadowed Xandra Pancakes and then for good measure moved Rivers into the Shadows again to send a message.

The Ohio Worms won three Blessings to make up for not getting to Bottom Feed. 

They won Shadow Capes, took the Green Light home to Wild Low, which was picked up by Stew Briggs, and lastly they won Heavy Handed.

Wild Low is still strong and even without Rivers Rosa, the Worms are likely headed to the Underbracket once more. 

Will Season 21 finally see the Worms wiggle their way to the bottom of Wild Low? There’s only one way to find out. Worm On!

–Kidror

10: New York Millennials [+1]

The New York Millennials managed to be among the Most Middle in Season 20, alongside the Baltimore Crabs, Chicago Firefighters, and Hades Tigers. We didn’t make it into the Overbracket or Underbracket, and judging by the Consumer Attacks in the Playoffs, that may have been for the best. How did the Season 20 Elections go? Surprisingly, pretty well!

On the Lineup, which had been Reverbed on Day 68, we now have a returning Chorby Short and Andrew Solis to positions #3 and #9 respectively! Chorby Short? Andrew Solis? Welp, it turns out Castillo Turner’s New York Partying days are over as the Boston Flowers elected to fetch their gigantic cactus back, and sent us back the funky frog Chorby Short. While still an Attractor, Chorby Short picked up some Parties at the end of Season 20, and is a formidable batter now! With over 5 (actual) stars in Batting and Baserunning, and over 4 stars in Defense, Chorby Short’s magical powers for our Lineup will be a nice bridge between freshly Ego+’d, Negatived, and Undefined H-t-ie-d S-z-ki (Hatfield Suzuki) and Thomas Dracaena.

Kichiro Guerra headed back to Ohio and we retrieved Andrew Solis back, and after two Parties of their own, has almost returned to their pre-Consumed self! Hatfield, along with Anathema Elemefayo, Mullen Peterson, and Nandy Fantastic (still Elsewhere and now Undefined), also picked up some much-needed Parties. The new Undefined Mod on Nandy, Hatfield, and Andy causes them to play between 50-100% better while Scattered, so Mild High should watch out for us! I’m looking forward to parties for Sandie Turner and Schneider B-B-Bendie?

Oh! There they are. Schneider Bendie, formerly in #3 position on the Lineup after the Reverb, has joined our Pitching Rotation! Bendie’s appearance on the Coffee Cup team, Atlético Latte, showed us the potential they had for some solid pitching, and while the average Lineup is weaker than last season with Castillo Turner’s astonishingly low ERA (1.59), the four pitchers of the New York Millennials sport an average pitching of ~4.75, with 6 star juggernaut Theodore Cervantes waiting by the Fax Machine in Jersey to strike back. Sandie Carver was also flipped Negative during the Election, and Bloodway feels a little lighter.

Is this finally the season the Millennials get off their phones and head towards the Overbracket Championship? We’re going to darn well try. Let’s Go Mills. Baby. Love Da Mills.

–Clip Clipperson

9: Dallas Steaks [-1]

The Dallas Steaks finished 3rd in the ILB in Season 20 on the back of well-done election results the previous Season.

Their Overbracket proved they were a little too overcooked and they fell in the Mild League Championships against the eventual ILB Champions the Core Mechanics.

In the election they flipped Wyatt Mason IV for Zephyr McCloud and made the long term play by infusing Gallup Crueller.

The Dallas Steaks are still a strong team but so are their competitors in Mild High. 

Another Overbracket run might be in the cards but they’ll have to defeat Mild High to get there.

It’ll take time before we know if going for long term gain over raw power was worth it, or if it was all a mis-steak.

–Kidror

8: Philly Pies [-1]

If you are not improving— really improving— in this league, you are falling behind. The Pies’ Season 20 showed just how true this is. After two straight seasons of having the best record in the league, the Pies put in a truly mediocre performance this season. What happened? While the loss of ace pitcher Elvis Figueroa certainly didn’t help, losing one pitcher did not precipitate this fall, especially with a new Fax Machine in the Oven. The true culprit is the constant improvement by league rivals that the Pies were not matching, both in Party Time and Elections. So where does that leave us looking at season 21? Well… 

Unlike in the previous two seasons, the Pies received numerous improvements in Party Time in Season 20. Pitcher Tiana Takahashi and hitter Beasley Day should be markedly improved next season, as should Jaxon Buckley, already one of the League’s top hitters. Others in the Lineup will also start Season 21 better than the previous one. Moreover, Doc Anise, Infused in the Shadows in the Season 19 Election, replaces Usurper Violent, the weakest link in the Lineup. At least on paper, the Pies’ bats are unmatched. 

Things are not all good in Philly, however. While moving Doc Anice onto the active roster was certainly a solid improvement, the only other move involved giving a ring to a player now on the Moist Talkers. Meanwhile, these same Moist Talkers reclaimed the very competent pitcher Greer Lott, replacing them with the unfortunately named Beans McBlase, who has never played in the position and likely has an upcoming date with Jessica Telefax (as I like to call the Oven’s new Fax Machine). Of course, the Pies are not the only team to suffer setbacks. Many of their division rivals will have to overcome their own missteps and misfortunes in the Election, while not receiving as many (if any) Party Time enhancements. 

I would love to say that the Pies are back on track to break records like in Seasons 18 and 19, but this team just doesn’t have the stability on the mound for that, particularly in a Mild League with the reigning ILB champion Mechanics and the accrescent competition in the Low division. At the end of the day, the Pies are fielding one of the strongest Lineups in the League, and, if they are going to compete this season, they will need to show that that’s enough. –Phoebe I. Ellis

7: Hellmouth Sunbeams [-1]

The Hellmouth Sunbeams Election: What happened, and how good it was, in ascending order.

-Lars Taylor’s Defense got buffed in the Shadows
-Nagomi Nava received the Green Light mod
-Phineas Wormthrice is Magnified
-Elvis Figueroa is pitching again
-The entire team’s Thwack was accidentally boosted by 5%
-Hendricks Richardson gained Walk In The Park
-The entire team’s Moxie was boosted by 20% but on purpose

And last, but most importantly, the single greatest thing to come out of any Election for the Hellmouth Sunbeams:

-THE CRIMINAL TOT FOX AKA SUNSLAYER, AKA LIGHT’S BANE, AKA HELIOS BEGONIOS, HAS BEEN BANISHED TO THE SHADOWS.

Finally, penance is occurring, nature is healing, and perhaps this means the Sunbeams can move on from the events of Season 11.

(But in all seriousness all of Wild Low is really good and between Underhanded and Tunnels I really don’t know what’s gonna happen. Beams good but I truly, truly don’t know if that matters anymore.)

–Panda

6: Baltimore Crabs [-1]

A Flashback to Season 19:

THE CRABS ARE BACK BABY! WOOOOO!!!! EAT THAT MOIST TALKERS! WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU TIGERS! PHILLY PIES? MORE LIKE PHILLY CRIES! OTHER TEAMS, YOU SUCK TOO! THE CRABS ARE BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER! WE’RE GONNA WIN A FIFTH CHAMPIONSHIP! CRABS GOOD!

[Crabs finish in 14th place, missing the playoffs and Free Wills.]

A Flashback to Season 20:

Overall uh… Crabs Good. Buckle up ILB, because Baltimore is gearing up for another crack at a Championship.

[Crabs finish in 10th place, missing both The Overbracket and Underbracket.]

Present Day:

Okay guys, I swear, the Crabs are good THIS SEASON. It’s gonna be great. Look, we vastly improved by cutting the dead weight of Pedro Davids and bringing in Kaz Fiasco. The Gator from Montgomery County has been unleashed upon the Immaterial Plane. The Bertie Bucks economy is HOT! Alston Cerveza is going to have more than 0 RBI’s this season! Our pitchers are really cold, someone should give them some jackets. But that’s besides the point, we’re totally really good again. Crabs back baby! WE’RE GONNA WIN THE ILB CHAMPIONSHIP! WE CAN’T LOSE…. We won’t lose…. we aren’t gonna lose right?…. crabs good? please?

– Gary

5: LA Unlimited Tacos [-1]

It’s been a strange season in the Infinite Cities. The Tacos exploded out of the traps, looking like the team to beat halfway through the season. The high-powered offense with Fish Summer leading off was humming, boosted (in team spirit, if not offensive output) by NaN finally coming home, with the pitching Rotation performing strongly, anchored by ace Yummy Elliott, and Underhanded Michelle Sportsman (and her negative ERA!) drawing the delight of all the Sickos in the Taco Stand.

Then it all started to shift. Captain Mcdowell Mason was expelled Elsewhere by Salmon Cannons, and the offense began to splutter. Sportsman, previously undefeated, began to lose games. The defense was leaking Runs. Latesiesta could not have come at a better time, giving a much-needed breather and a chance to relax for a minute. Wait, what? Our Free Gift was Fourby? We built a Ball Pit and a Peanut Mister? That… was not supposed to happen. A misguided expenditure from rogue Tacos threw multiple spanners in the works, but the season had to continue.

Mcdowell Mason finally returned, only to see the Firefighters steal the one (Clutch Wooden Rock) ring. The bottom of the Lineup had the trifecta of NaN, Fourby, and Fig struggling to score. Then the Tacos finally got wiggled. An unfortunate Reverb shuffled the batting order, and disastrously moved Yummy Elliott to bat, and Basilio Mason to pitch (finally breaking his consecutive games played streak).

The Tacos soldiered on, limping slightly into the postseason, where they would overcome the Sunbeams, but fall short to the Spies in the Wild League Championship, a remarkable effort considering the circumstances.

The Election swapped Yummy and BMase back where they belong, moved NaN into the Shadows, gave Basilio some ludicrous Moxie, and left the Tacos looking like… well, looking like they had two seasons ago, to be honest. Given their success post-Grand Siesta, it’s certainly an enviable position to be in, but the Wild Low thunderdome looks as tough as ever, and another Internet Series run might be beyond them. Given the season they’ve had though, being there or thereabouts at the end without any major mishaps along the way would probably be a welcome relief.

–Blenjamin Rees

4: Kansas City Breath Mints [+5]

The combination of a Best-In-Franchise-History regular season coupled with a heartbreaking early knockout in the Postseason and a Consumer attack to fan favorite Marco Stink leaves it hard to know how to feel as a Mints fan. But what is brushing off the dust and chucking your worst batter into your Shadows if not Mints persevering?

Despite the loss of Uncle Plasma, the pitching Rotation that led all of Blaseball in Team ERA remains strong. Leach Ingram and Winnie Hess simply maintaining their W/L% across their additional share of games would result in an astounding 70 Win season (barring Loop shenanigans) and it’s only likely to get better with 4th-in-the-ILB-in-Strikeouts Hierophantic Foible now safely contained in the Mints shadows and Kina Larsen free of a batting-impeding jersey. Marco’s unfortunate chomp aside, the Mints Lineup may have finally overcome their hurdles and be ready to give their stellar pitching staff the run support they need for this team to reach new heights.

All-in-all, the Mints stand ready to cast aside the heavy toll of the previous Postseason and ride their giant horse to another chance at victory in the Overbracket.

-AJ

3: Hawai’i Fridays [-1]

The Fridays mostly performed to expectations last season, setting a franchise record 69 Wins before bowing out early in the Overbracket, during a series where their best pitcher never took the mound.

The Election brought some fun minor buffs to the offense, with the Repeating Don Mitchell, Steal King, now getting a small batting buff every at-bat thanks to Slow Build. The impact of this Mod will be lessened with the move to a longer Lineup thanks to Stevenson Heat finally stepping into the batter’s box, adding a new home run threat to the Hawai‘i offense, but decreasing the number of at-bats for heavy hitters like Don and Beck Whitney. The Fridays’ Lineup otherwise took a hit with two bad Blooddrains to local himbo Jacob Winner and the reversal of last Election’s Gabriel Griffith trade. The silver lining? Alyssa Harrell and Baldwin Breadwinner(‘s socks) have finally been reunited. 

On that note, pitching ace Evelton McBlase stole an Underhanded item during the team’s final game of the Playoffs, weakening Breadwinner’s Steaks. With Heat blessed to the Lineup, and allergic rookie Yasslyn Statter Jr. moved to the Shadows, the Fridays have revved up a sneakily good (7th in ERA) Rotation into an absolute beyblade: two dangerous Underhanded threats every four games in McBlase and the pristine Juice Collins. Opponents will face at least one potential top ten pitcher in the League every single series they face the Fridays. 

They say defense wins championships, and the Fridays’ identity just shifted heavily in the defensive direction. Our illustrious panel is still high on the Fridays, but questions remain. Will Harrell play up to her star count? Can Juice and McBlase hold onto their valuable items in the new Tunnel meta? Is three percent a big enough Sinking Ship buff to be noticeable?

The answer, as always, is birds, birds, and more birds. 

—Traci J

2: Houston Spies [+1]

No one except the Houston Spies players know where the Houston Spies play. They run a tight ship. Everything is kept secret and under wraps. There is one issue with all of this though.

They can’t call an exterminator to get rid of all the sharks.

Ten times the Spies were attacked by Consumers in Season 20, and if the Spies try to call a person to do something about it, that person is going to know where they play. That’s not cool!

But no matter how much Houston gets attacked by blood-hungry sea creatures, it will not stop them from being great. Season 20 the Spies came closer than ever to winning it all, losing in a heartbreaking Game 5 in the Internet Series to the Core Mechanics. And there were some steps back for the Spies in the loss of the newly magnified Dudley Mueller for the admittedly worse -aula Maso-. But with two of the best pitchers in the game at the helm in Bennett Bluesky and Underhanded Alexandria Rosales, the cutting of Pudge Nakamoto, and the addition of Commissioner Vapor in the Election, the Spies dare to achieve in Season 21 what they’ve never done before: Win the ILB Internet League Blaseball Championship.

Now if only they could figure out a solution for those sharks. I’m thinking [REDACTED].

–Gary (@)

1: Core Mechanics [-]

The Core Mechanics have lifted their 5th Overchampionship and 2nd since The Descension in Season 13… what a sentence to write.

 This feat can be attributed to the Mechanics playoff record now standing at 23-12 (excluding Season 15 Wildcard), made possible by their patented strong pitching and defense mixing well with their reliably solid batting Lineup. 

The Mechanics have built on this during the Season 20 Election by getting really into yoyos. The Steaks (Thank you again, love you Steak) gave their Blessing for Zoey Kirchner to return to the Mechanics who left following a Season 16 Election wimdy. The Mechanics did this by trading pitcher Shirai McElroy for Mindy via the Equivalent Exchange will before using their Move Will to return Shirai McElroy to the Shadow Rotation, who now waits to be Shadow Faxed in if needed. 

Therefore the Core boosted their pitching Rotation along with bringing an original Mechanic back home! Unfortunately, the Mechanics bid for ‘States of Play’ to massively boost their batting Lineup once they returned failed, despite the 62% bid marking the 5th Election in a row without any Blessings. 

Ultimately, the Mechanics should return to the Playoffs this season to defend their title. But, with two players still elsewhere and Judochop still recovering from their scattering, their raising eDensity is a big concern for a team that has avoided Consumer Attacks so well. But I will say this:

Our players may be Scattered or Elsewhere, our Drumsolo may be Shelled, but over these last few seasons: We’ve pulled surprise comeback after surprise comeback, faced countless close games with our hearts in our throats, and seen our team triumph. We are on the verge of making history, potentially being the first team to gain our second Evolution Modification. We have everything to gain and nothing to prove. 

So bring your best Blaseball with you, hit us head-on with your best batters and pitchers, and show us what your team is all about, and if you beat us, we wish you nothing but the best and hope you take the Championship home for your team! Now with all that said, there’s only one thing left to say:

An Umpire Appeared. Rejoice! *Play Ball!*

–CraftedRobot

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