I’d estimated the Beams (because it’s my job), and I was getting a LITTLE tired of having handfuls of beans thrown at me.

So I decided it was time to get down to one of the great mysteries of Blaseball prehistory: What happened to the Fishblades?

I’ll spare the reader some of the literal mud I had to trek through, as well as the day where I was in a New Orleans parade (Which is weird, because it’s January). On a tip from Clip, a fellow reporter embedded with the Mills, I was in the Florida panhandle. We were talking one day, and the subject of the Fishblades came up. Clip thought for a moment, and said “Wasn’t there an old issue of Prime Material Enquestioner that mentioned the Fishblades? I think they mentioned Florida, Tallahassee maybe? Not sure how much you can trust it though, that’s an old rag for sure.” Maybe another reporter wouldn’t have immediately stood up, and begun walking to Florida, but by now, reader, you know that I’m not another reporter. The thing that nobody could predict is that it paid off. After days of searching, I finally found it. It was there, behind a false wall in the concession stand at Florida State University’s Dick Howser Stadium. I held it in my hands, shaking, realizing what it was that I had. Proof that the Tallahassee Fishblades had existed. A partial recording of a game between the Tallahassee Fishblades and the Martin Goncharovs.

The footage was… old, distorted. After I watched it, I could only pick out one name, the name of the ace pitcher for the Tallahassee Fishblades, Ulrik Fenestrate. The footage was of the bottom of the sixth inning. The first batter stepped up to the plate, a name whispered in distortion, and a face that was blurry, as though it always had been. Ulrik wound up, and released the ball. It was a pitch like I’d never seen before, seemingly swimming against the current, forcing itself to the plate in a way that seemed to be in defiance of the nature of reality itself, and at the last moment, it exploded forward in a flash, blowing past the batter in an instant. I could barely understand what I was seeing. How was this possible? Was the air thicker with immateria then? Did the Salmon themselves control weather patterns in this stadium?

Reader, it was a sight to behold.

UNFORTUNATELY after watching this footage, I spilled my Seven Helleven Blig Gulp on the reel, rendering it unwatchable, but I have my top scientists working on recovering the footage. Someday, I will bring this technique back to the league.

I took the opportunity to stand on the field at Dick Howser Stadium. I wondered, was this the field upon which Ulrik through that mighty pitch? Was this field rebuilt upon the wreckage of something destroyed from prehistory? Was it a coincidence that these things were connected? I couldn’t know, and so, I left.

But that was it. That was the only proof I could find. I searched the Florida panhandle for as long as I could (Almost 3 hours), but I couldn’t find the stadium or anyone else who had heard of the team. And, while I did ruin my proof, now I know for sure that the Fishblades existed. I’ve heard another rumor, about a lost European nation called “Listenbourg” that may have been in the same league, so I’m off to Spain to investigate further.

Remember, as always, to Stare Into The Sun.

-Panama Dan

The post The Tallahassee Fishblades: An Expose appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Today, we are excited to announce that we are launching the Blaseball News Network Patreon!

For those who do not know, Patreon is a subscription platform that allows members to support creators with a specified monthly donation. Each donation amount, or Tier, will receive special perks in thanks.

The Tiers we are starting with are the following:

The $5 “BNN Fan” Tier gets your name on our splash page, in our YouTube videos, and on the BNN Twitter at the end of the month. The $10 “BNN Family” Tier also comes with your name on the splash page, on a Family page in videos, and on Twitter, as well as a unique role on our Discord. The $25 “BNN Sponsor” Tier gets your name on a unique Sponsor page at the end of videos, on Twitter, and on the Splash page, a unique role on the Discord, and a once a month shoutout of your choosing on the BNN Twitter.

Supporting our Patreon will enable us to pay the team behind all your favorite articles, live streams, podcasts, and more. Here is a visual breakdown of how funding will be distributed:

Once a month (usually on the 15th or 16th), total funding in Patreon will be funneled to PayPal, and then distributed based on the breakdown above. Board Members will each receive 12% of the funds. The Broadcast and Writing Divisions will each receive 20% of the funds. Any money BNN receives outside of our Patreon will be distributed using the same breakdown.

We recognize that as BNN grows and morphs, the distribution of funds may change. Any changes to how funds are distributed will be made clear to our supporters.

We here at BNN are beyond grateful for the love and support the Blaseball community has shown and continues to show us. We would not be where we are without you. We will keep making our content, same as it ever was, free to enjoy.

Thank you and Play Ball!

The post Introducing the Blaseball News Network Patreon appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Blaseball’s comfortable absurdity returned in full force on the first day of the new season.

Pudge Nakomoto steps up to their first at-bat, bottom of the first against the San Francisco Lovers.  Season Twelve; the Era of Discipline has passed, and a new Era has dawned—Blaseball is under new management, Concessions have been distributed, and a fifth Parker MacMillan sits in his office under the careful eye of The Boss.  Fans everywhere are staring at computer screens, scrutinizing this new ILB, and then—
https://twitter.com/AReblase/status/1366418583388106756?s=20

Nakomoto is not supposed to be hitting dingers straight out of the dugout.  At one and a half stars pretty much across the board, Pudge is meant to be middling, a player you groan at when they step up to plate, but cheer for deep in your heart for that beautiful underdog win. But then again, maybe there isn’t meant to be a second Sun existing next to a Black Hole and Solar Eclipse, and maybe our teams shouldn’t have to be dodging shattered shells of peanuts on their way to the next blase.

But then again, maybe that’s how it is meant to be, maybe that is how it should be.

It’s the Yellowstone Magic against the Canada Moist Talkers, ranked #17 and #2 respectively, and folks are expecting a quick and easy shutout with PolkaDot at the mound.  The Talkers take an early lead in the first, with veteran Eugenia Garbage leading the charge, but Yeong-Ho Garcia keeps it tight ‘til the bottom of the second.  The Magic take the plate.

Bevan Wise hits a flyout.  Bonk Jokes strikes out, looking.  Then Chorby Short steps up.

Diehard Fans may remember Chorby’s acquisition of the 0 No Blood type during the Season 10 Elections, along with the rest of the Yellowstone Magic.  In short: “Players with 0 No cannot be struck out when there are 0 Balls in the Count.”  And if my idol payouts are any indication, Patterson loves to strike folks out.  A combination of Short’s 1-star batting skill—also known as frantically waving a blaseball bat in front of a plate—with PolkaDot’s complete inability to throw a pitch outside the strike zone, led to one foul ball.  Then another.  Then a third, a fourth, a fifth, a 10th, a 20th, a 50th, racking up to one hundred and twelve (112) 0-2 Foul Balls in a row over the course of 9 minutes and fifteen harrowing seconds.

A vicious inning for sure, until Patterson decided to chuck one at the ground in front of Short, giving them a Ball in the Count, and then summarily striking them out.

Blaseball’s always been comfortable in the wacky, the wild, and the mysterious.  Its in this absurdity where it thrives—a kind of safe place for us to feel like we can be in disbelief again.  After facing the Peanut down in previous seasons, it can truly feel as though our world is programmed to beat us down and exhaust us, and even with the new “sustainable” schedules, we’re all gonna have to look away from the games eventually.  In this chaotic space, we finally have a chance to feel like we can engage, emotionally, physically, mentally, in a splort that we love, with players that we care for, with teams we would die for.  Amidst all the absurdity, Blaseball still feels like home.

Thanks to Astrid Reblase (@AReblase on Twitter) for developing Reblase for our reference.

The post Welcome Back, Blaseball: Chorby Short Hits 198 Foul Balls In One Game appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

(The only safe bet in blaseball, in fact, is that in the time it has taken me to write up this analysis you will have seen so many variations of this joke on Twitter that it’s no longer funny. Nevertheless, the low-hanging fruit is there for a reason.)

While this news might come as a disappointment to some fans after the admittedly very cool date of 2.22 was believed to be the most likely date for blaseball to return, the press release announcing blaseball’s grand return came with a wealth of new details about the aftermath of Season 11’s election results that we can dig into to speculate about this bold new era of blaseball while you rewrite all your scheduled tweets.

You can view the full press release here. Here’s our most important takeaways:

1. CONCESSIONS

Snacks are returning to blaseball! Peanuts have been an integral part of blaseball since Season 2, though with the advent of shelling and their great value as tribute when bartering with the void squid, their nutritional value fell by the wayside and a great many squirrels were put out of work as peanut hoarders bartered their wares with the Monitor. With the news that snacks will be doubling as Votes, which assumedly are physical objects in the same way that a notorious series of Joel A. Clark tweets revealed that runs (and the Coffee Cup specific Unruns) are physical objects, it is almost certain that snacks will once again have monetary value that outweighs their nutritional value. Given how that ended last time, who can really say whether this is a good thing or a bad thing?

2. THE FEED

An easier way to keep up with blaseball. Whether the Feed is going to be an in-depth recap of games or a curated Twitter feed of official blaseball posts, it’s safe to say this has something to do with Lootcrates. Anything that makes blaseball more accessible is a positive in my book!

3. THE CRABITAT

A new home for the Crabs? This might have something to do with the mysterious Blaseball2 website discovered after the Crabs went up, or climbed.

4. WILLS

This is the big one. Wills will allow blaseball fans to engage in deeper strategy and organising. Whether this means getting into the nitty-gritty of managing their teams or more broadly deciding on directions for the teams, this is sure to be a huge change.

5. THE OFF-SEASON

Blaseball now has an off-season, with seasons being conducted over three weeks, followed by a two week break. Fingers crossed for more siesta events like the Coffee Cup for the downtime!

6. THE COMMISSIONER WILL DO A GREAT JOB

The Commissioner, as ever, is doing a great job. and that extends to giving updates on Twitter. You can follow the hashtag #BLASEBALLUPDATE for official news and updates on the return of blaseball.

The post Blaseball is Returning. Here’s Six Things We Can Expect. appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

After an exciting Round 2 of the Coffee Cup, while Late Night Blaseball was in full swing, the Commissioner nonchalantly dropped a new piece of canon.

Uhh? Who is “lootcrates”? Or, what is “lootcrates”? For a few moments. Blaseball Twitter was utterly in the weeds with the “lootcrates” thing. Until Blaseball Prospectus discovered the existence of Lōotcrates, the “Official Historian of Internet League Blaseball.”

…

Wait. What?

Long Live The Commissioner

Before we answer that, we need to figure out how we ended up at that question. Let’s start with the Fantastickal Death of Parker(s) MacMillan.
(If you took a break from blaseball during the Grand Siesta and are just now reading this, welcome! A lot has happened. It’s okay.)

During the events of the Discord trials, Mills v MacMillan III (and Other Miscellaneous Related Suits), one thing lead to another and Ump Pope Sunman tried to incinerate a bot that was simulating the Commissioner, Parker MacMillan III. On Twitter, the Commissioner’s account (@blaseball) went blank.

Shortly thereafter, the account would be run by Parker MacMillan IIII. Facts around the succession were sparse, but this new Parker was everyone’s best friend. We accepted the change in Commissioner. He even got to play for Real Game Band in the Coffee Cup. Until…

Parker disappeared from the game, and from Twitter. The next morning, we were greeted by Parker MacMillan IIIII, whose Commission-ing style seemed a little rough, initially. He was still doing a good job.

This succession of Parkers created a lot of discussion in the community around the nature of the Commissioner. What ever happened to Parkers I-III? Were these distinct individuals with coincidental names? Was there a collective memory? Was Parker an AI who got a new version each time he had to reboot? Was he like some sort of being who regenerated as a different personality, but retained memories of previous iterations? Did he come from the field of eggs?

When one blaseball journalist poked at this anthill, he would accidentally discover something (or someone) else entirely.

The Discovery of Lōotcrates

It started innocently enough with my colleague and fellow Blaseball Prospectus writer, Ace Analyst, simply using a phrase that had been coined by a previous Parker. During Round 2 of the Coffee Cup, there were brief issues with the blaseball.com site, and Ace let everyone know the site was working properly again. In doing so, he accidentally stumbled upon A Thing:

As far as we knew at the time, the various Parkers MacMillan were distinct individuals who inhabited a shared role. There were theories as to what relations one Parker might have to another, but this particular interaction required a follow-up. Was Parker IIIII indicating that Ace was taking over a duty/phrase used by folks in the Commissioner role, or was Parker expressing a memory that could only belong to a previous Parker?

Not content with that answer, Ace asked the Commissioner something in a previous Parker’s own words.

Because this second follow-up occurred as the Coffee Cup was heating up, these queries went unanswered for hours. We’ll come back to them.

…And now a brief interlude of related things that happened prior to that question’s fateful answer…

During the intense excitement of the second round of the Coffee Cup, @Paranundrox mused about how vital the work of SIBR, wiki admins, and the work of similar individuals is to the current meta, community, and narrative of blaseball.

(As an aside, I wholeheartedly agree with their thoughts. What I do as a blaseball journalist is fundamentally built upon these resources. Plus, the discussions they generate are intriguing, and the interactions that result are delightful.)

A number of folks on Twitter chimed in around this thread. One response, in particular, will seem more than just a coincidence for what happened later in the evening.

…This concludes the brief interlude of related things, now back to…

The Discovery of Lōotcrates

After the dramatic conclusion to Game 5, Ace decided that the events of earlier that evening needed to be teased out:

Naturally, this restarted the discourse around the nature of Parkers and the possibility of a collective Commissioner consciousness, among other theories. It was then that Parker IIIII returned to that question from many hours earlier, providing a response. “Before what?”

This, in turn, prompted another round of discussion amongst Late Night Blaseball, which was starting to go to bed. It was after midnight, in the Eastern time zone of the U.S. Then, an hour later (after 1:00 am EST), the Commissioner posted something completely unexpected.

The shockwave of confusion rippled across Twitter. Notifications buzzed, BNN came back online, folks paused in their bedtime rituals to say one thing, the thing that we so often think but especially at this moment:

When the confusion reigned, ILB Ambassador Cat Manning made a self-deprecating joke that would prove prophetic:

Only a few minutes after Parker name-dropped someone or something that seemed out of nowhere, Dallas Steaks’ assistant coach August Mina discovered what Parker was getting at. Lōotcrates was a someone. Probably. Or at least a Twitter account.

There it was, in all its resplendent blue-checkmark glory. They had no tweets, followed only the Microphone and the Commissioner, but had seemingly been there for a while. Lōotcrates.

The Morning After

The immediate aftermath was still one of confusion, but a more canonical, “oh I get it (I don’t get it)” style of confusion many of us were used to. As people woke up (or never went to bed), questions began to be asked. Pieces began to be put together, more or less. First up, before we go back to bed: Ambassador, that was an oddly prophetic joke earlier. DOT DOT DOT

Are you sure? That joke seemed REALLY on the nose. Right, SIBR?

Okay, good to know it’s just your run-of-the-mill Ambassador Cat cursed to utter true prophecies.

This is about the time that we recalled the tweet from Stephen earlier in the night, the one about “working on stuff”? How long has Lōotcrates been lurking on Twitter?

Excellent! That answers, well, nothing really. What else do we know about this suddenly-official historian, anyway? What’s their style?

One last thing: is there anything else we should know about Herodotus, who seems to have influenced Lōotcrates?

Okay then. Let’s see if we have this straight:
In a blaseball era where we now have a line of successors as Commissioner, and an ancient Coin leading the operations, we now have an Official Historian who cops their style from an ancient source. This lurking Lōotcrates has not tweeted, we know nothing of their true function, and we were alerted to their presence by asking the Commissioner about remembering “before.”

Everything’s fine.

It’s probably fine.

The post Blaseball Now Has Lootcrates appeared first on Blaseball News Network.