24:  Yellowstone Magic

Right off the bat, the hottest of takes. It’s so hot, in fact, we had to make sure Streaming & Video Section Editor Dan was uninvolved with the Rankings. His strong feelings and alternative methodologies would not have resonated with the very specific rubric we applied to this list. Such methods are very clear: this is the spot where Yellowstone is placed.

23:  Tokyo Lift

The Power Rankings carry a lot of weight during a Blaseball season. Like, a ridiculous amount of weight. As such, we really need a strong foundation to hold up the rest of the picks above this one. Thankfully, the Tokyo Lift are here to power snatch the Rankings and hold them high.

22:  Seattle Garages

That Seattle Garages roster is such a mass of humanity. But that’s what their motto is all about, isn’t it? All the people… So many people. And hey all go hand-in-hand. Know what I mean?

Wait, no, I was thinking of “Parklife.” The Garages park it at #22. What is it? It’s it. Wait, no, that’s from a band from the next team’s city:

21: San Fransisco Lovers

It’s alive, afraid, a lie, a sin.
It’s magic, it’s tragic, it’s a loss, it’s a win.
It’s dark, it’s moist, it’s a bitter pain.
It’s sad it happened and it’s a shame.
You want it all, but you can only have the 21st ranking.

…okay, I’m done this time. Really. Because otherwise I’ll end up doing something silly like working Jessica Telephone into the lyrics of “Fresh Prince of Blel-Air.”

20:  Philly Pies

In all seriousness, the Pies made it to the Mild League semi-finals last season after narrowly winning the Mild High. With their offseason acquisition of the aforementioned Telephone, they look to stay atop the division — especially once Jaxon Buckley returns from Elsewhere. That said, they are the only alliterative team name in Internet League Blaseball, which means they come in at #20.

19:  Ohio Worms

I can’t help but think that the Worms would be ranked higher if they picked an actual city to play in. Cincinnati would be ideal, though Cleveland or Columbus would also have the Worms shoot up these rankings. So long as they don’t pick Toledo, which is practically Michigan.

18:  New York Millennials

The Mills have such amazing players at the top of their lineup and rotation. You have Thomas “Tom Terrific” Dracaena leading off, while Theodore “The Franchise” Cervantes anchors the rotation. Both players have been stalwarts for the team, and really deserve to celebrate a championship with the Mills. Until then, New York is #18.

17:  Miami Dale

If BNN was a less reputable organization, we would throw our stringent guidelines out the window and just put the Dale at #16. But with the Tacos moving from “Unlimited” to “LA Unlimited”, Miami gets bumped down a spot. That’s just science.

16:  Mexico City Wild Wings

I went to visit the ILB concession stand to see if there was anything available to eat during the offseason. The Monitor was nowhere to be seen (likely trying on new hats). But on the service counter there was a selection of sixteen unbreaded chicken wings, each of which was deep-fried and coated (or dipped) in a different sauce. I thought, “Wow. Sixteen is the perfect number for Wild Wings.”

15:  LA Unlimited Tacos

I tried to replicate my food-based methodology for the Tacos, but something felt off after consuming fifteen of these crunchy delights. Turns out I may have overindulged. I vaguely recall going in and out of consciousness as an aggressive ska band was exhorting me to “shoot the moon.” I declined, because we’ve had enough problems with blaseball teams messing up celestial bodies. Ugh. No more using food to determine ranking.

14:  Kansas City Breath Mints

Well, after eating a couple big meals, I know exactly what I need.

The Breath Mints.

13:  Houston Spies

I’ve got to level with you. So far it’s just been me, Luckey Haskins, typing out these Power Rankings. I woke up in a room here at BNN HQ, seemingly unable to escape my confines. The only thing in the room with me was this list of teams, a laptop, and “figure it out” scrawled on the wall in crayon. I’ve been typing away until someone else comes in to add their blurbs. Not seeing anyone around. I’m not even sure how they arrived at the order of these rankings. Houston Spies don’t look out of place here, I guess. Tabula recta.

12:  Hellmouth Sunbeams

Sorry about that distraction. Need to focus. The Sunbeams, formerly of Moab, are listed at #12. We could point at the Season 11 championship, or the effect of their friendly rivalry with Hades (Tigerbeams forever!), when discussing the placement of the Sunbeams in these rankings. But the reality, the forbidden truth, is that the unintentional move to the Hellmouth after Season 1 seems to be the reason the Sunbeams are ranked this high.

11:  Hawai’i Fridays

The chewy nougat center of the Power Rankings is always the most difficult to assess and assign. These teams are all so close to each other. A quirky schedule, the luck of the Tarot Spread, a sudden change of weather– heck, even the difference of one letter could change everything from 10-13.

Speaking of, I’m really glad that if Juice had to come back Scattered, it was as “J—- Col-i–.” Because I don’t think I could handle —-e Col-i– after those earlier food shenanigans.

10:  Hades Tigers

The Tigers just haven’t evolved enough to take it to that next stage. If they could get past the first Base level, they could totally become the Asphodel Tigers, at which point they would shoot up straight to the top of these Power Rankings, hot as hell. Though some fans might react with Fury to such an attempt.

9:  Dallas Steaks

This is a perfect number for Dallas. I get that some like their Steaks to stay on the grill a little longer, but I like mine to be a perfect medium rare. We ought to take them off the grill right now, let them rest before we turn them loose on the Mild High.

8:  Core Mechanics

Power Rankings are a roguelike, really. At this point, I’m not sure anyone’s coming, so it’s up to me to get through the next seven entries without mistake, and escape this ridiculousness. Sure, it’s repetitive, but Repetition is one of the Pillars that holds up the Theatre of the Absurd. (That reminds me, “Godot” would be a stellar name for the Field of Eggs.)

While we’re here, do you think Lady Matsuyama’s “Homebody” mod will cause the Mechanics’ “Maintenance Mode” to proc at the start of every away game?

7:  Chicago Firefighters

The Big Onion comes in with a ranking that’s good enough to see the Firefighters in playoff contention. But if you wanted to make this not just a good ranking, but a great one? Sprinkle a little giardiniera on it, then wash it down with some Royal Crown Malört. That’s how you do it in Chicago, which is the location where we are all from. Because if they were the Deerfield Firefighters, we’d have to drop them down a couple spots in these rankings. Naturally.

6:  Charleston Shoe Thieves

It’s been a while since my overwrought brain spit out a hot take, so let’s conjure one here about the Shoe Thieves. One of these mornings, they’re going to rise up unflinching, then they’ll lace their shoes and they’ll take the sky. Until that morning, there’s nothing can harm them, because they’ve been harmed far enough already. Stop it, blaseball. Stop it. This is supposed to be the Expansion Era, when the living is easy.

5:  Canada Moist Talkers

Congratulations to the Season 14 champions, the Canada Moist Talkers. You might think that, with all the teams improving around them, folks ranked Canada at #5 on this list based solely on account of their name. You would be correct.

4:  Breckenridge Jazz Hands

Is it folly to have the Jazz Hands this high in the rankings, after all the tragedy and poor luck that has befallen them? Sure, it might seem that way until you consider: few things are more powerful than a tragic tale. Now put it to some music you can really belt, and add some killer choreography. But wait! For some real elevation in these Power Rankings, it must be set in Breckenridge — few things reach the levels of a soprano hitting a high note at 9,600 feet (~3,000 metres).

3:  Boston Flowers

The Flowers grow every season, but this time they’ll scream into the playoffs and won’t look back. I can’t explain where this surety is coming from, but it’s definitely more than a feeling. They’re ready to take that next step, and there’s no need to cool the engines on their ascent to the top. Finally getting that championship would bring peace of mind to a fanbase that has been waiting a long time.

2:  Baltimore Crabs

I had a thing to say about the Crabs potentially sitting upon a throne of stars, but I got distracted by someone sliding down a pole from the heavens.

1:  Atlantis Georgias

From the heights of the opening paragraph, we have dropped to the depths of Atlantis. The Georgias are A-okay, in my book. Have you guessed the riddle yet, Alice? It’s less of a methodology and more of an orthography. And now, having ascended the alphabet as I descended the numbers, I escape this dungeon of words.

[Exit Luckey, pursued by a bear possum.]

There you have them! Completely official Power Rankings, not the fever dream of one writer locked in a room. We’re certainly not changing the title on April 2nd to avoid future confusion. Nope.

The post TOTALLY OFFICIAL SEASON 15 POWER RANKINGS appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

BNN is here with the second Midseason Power Ranking Review, with anchor Dan, host Luckey Haskins, and guests iliana of SIBR and Draywo, BNN contributor & a captain for the expansion Ohio Worms.

Our panelists dig into the hot first half for the Magic (which Dan totally called), the sustainability of the Lovers’ and Moist Talkers success, and marvel at the delightful randomness that is a Blaseball team’s schedule. They deconstruct the struggles of the reigning champs in Baltimore, also wondering what’s behind the underperformance of other teams with high hopes like Chicago and New York.

On the Wild side, the group marvels at the star power on the mound in both the High and Low divisions. They dig into the pitching stlats and the powerful mystery of “defense” that seems to be key in the Expansion Era. With Draywo on the show, everyone takes stock of the strong starts from the Lift and the Worms, two teams that spent last season in power dives towards Party Time.

Finally, they break a few hubris meters by makings predictions of Internet Series finals matchups. Find out who buried the hubris needle by watching this episode of BNN Midseason Power Ranking Review!

The post BNN’s Midseason Power Ranking Review: Magic Goo appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

This is not to say the teams themselves don’t have strong identities; quite the opposite. But as a division? As a collective group? There’s not much connective tissue in this rough assemblage. It once held together a fearsome division, but things fall apart.

And yet.

The end of the Grand Siesta provides a prime opportunity to develop an answer to “what is the vibe of the new Wild High?” Before we get there, let’s sift through the debris to see how we got here.

The High Party

After the Chicago Firefighters won the ILB championship in Season 5, fans voted to enact the “High Filter.” This Decree was to have three parts:

• Rearrange teams into new subleagues & divisions, based on Season 5 regular season records, grouping teams in quartiles.
• At the end of a season, each division would experience a unique Blood Bath where teams would gain/lose stars based on ranking within the division.
• Possibly/probably something else as part of the seasonal Blood Bath? The full details were never un-redacted, and the Blood Bath never actually happened, so…

Since the High Filter went into effect, the realigned divisions evolved different collective vibes over six seasons & the Grand Siesta. To get at the Wild High’s splintering and lack of vibes entering Season 12, I’m gonna offer my takes on the other three divisions. These are not canonical vibes. There is no canon for that. I can already feel people getting ready to disagree or wonder where I even came to these conclusions or analyses.

That’s fine. These are the vibes I get, as an outside observer who’s not very active on Discord servers.

The Luckey Haskins Completely Subjective Takes on Divisional Vibes

Wild Low: The “(Mess) Around & Find Out” division. The “Tubthumping” division. These are the teams that would knock out their own tooth just to spit its bloody remnants in a god’s face. They grow, evolve, and/or mutate into the teams they need to be. You can’t hurt them anymore than they hurt themselves. When they win a championship, it was a long time coming (and probably a really weird season).

Mild High: The division of gravitas and grizzled veterans. They’ve all been through some stuff, won their fair share of games, and are ready for whatever you throw at them. Less Thunderdome, more of a gauntlet. You’re not going to faze these teams, even when they seem down & out. When they win a championship, it probably happened in the past, before the Mild High existed.

Mild Low: The division of “DON’T MIND IF I DO!” They may (mess) around, they may find out; the two aren’t mutually exclusive in the Mild Low. They could be #PartyTime speed run champs, or win a championship. Y’know, whatever they feel like at the time. When they do win a championship, you don’t see it coming, and the winning team will be screwed over or cursed afterwards. No big.

Here Comes the Wild High Life

Wild High: …a giant shrug? Maybe a confused scratch of the head?

If you’d asked about this any time before Season 11, I would have described something akin to a Thunderdome of friendly rivalries. The five best teams from Season 5, herded into a single division; this included the Baltimore Crabs fresh off FOUR Blessings, which skyrocketed their overall quality. And they faced each other so often (see: Chiclawgo), their records masked how good they were until they played outside the division. The Wild High slurped up external wins like Richardson Games slurps up defensive stars.

Today, though? The division is scattered debris left after the Crabs ascended and the Blood Bath was abandoned. How did it change so drastically?

Drain the Blood

We still don’t know all the details of how the Bloodbath would’ve worked, but it seemed like it revolved around the idea of dynamism. It gave the appearance that the seasonal Bloodbath would provide movement of stars, if not of teams. But it never activated, and a new Decree brought a simpler method to potentially address imbalance. A method that the Wild High teams usually arrived at late, after most of the stars had left.

Oh, We’ve Stayed Much Too Late

This new Decree, Enhanced Party Time, was enacted after Season 6. From here on out, teams that entered Party Time (i.e., eliminated from playoff contention) had a chance to gain stat boosts. The more time a team spent at the Party, the more stat boosts they could get. Teams that made it into the playoffs received no boosts; the playoffs were their prize. Teams that hung around but just missed the playoffs? They got no postseason AND few (if any) boosts from Party Time. Classic Wild High.

As Seasons wore on, the non-Crab Wild High teams stagnated: no Bloodbath to stir the waters, not enough Party Time to keep up with power creep, few Blessings to boost them, and (with the exception of one playoff series) no succor against the inevitability of the Crabs. And yet, even then, the Wild High was still itself. The cracks wouldn’t form until after Season 8, setting the stage to crumble after Season 10.

Dismantle Me

The Season 8 elections caused a few teams to seek new divisional homes. The Wild High said farewell to the New York Millennials, who now found themselves in the Mild High. Two seasons later, the San Francisco Lovers joined the Mills, leaving the Wild for the Mild High after another election. That same offseason, the Baltimore Crabs exited the Wild High (and the Immaterial Plane) via Ascension.

What remains are five teams that don’t yet form a cohesive division. The Hades Tigers are a storied team that was on the cusp of ascension, the former Antagonist of the ILB until the Crabs wrested that role. Hades has won, lost, been beat around, and still stands atop the power rankings. They’re classic Mild High vibes now finding themselves in a twisted metal throne abandoned by Baltimore.

Meanwhile, the team that literally stepped into the Crabs’ empty slot, the Tokyo Lift, still have the new car smell. We got a sense of their vibes in Season 11, but they’re too shiny & fresh to have developed rivalries and traditions. Tokyo is on the path, but they still have a lot of reps to go before they see those gains.

Bridging the gap between new arrivals and original Wild High teams is the Mexico City Wild Wings. The Season 7 Cinderella story spent a couple of seasons getting picked apart, slingshotting across leagues and divisions, and crashing into the Wild High. They spent their first years in the Wild High at the bottom, before the Lift tagged in to be the basement team.

Finally we have our only two remaining original Wild High teams, the Chicago Firefighters and Breckinridge Jazz Hands. While they’ve made names for themselves outside the standings, their on-field product hasn’t kept pace with the league. Both teams are currently in a stagnating cycle of being good enough to miss out on significant Party Time boosts, but not being good enough to be regular playoff contenders.

All Soaked in Blood Like a Newborn Babe

This is where the Wild High finds itself at the end of the Grand Siesta: a collection of fragments that are fascinating, but only parts of a not-yet whole. That said, Season 12 is a time of opportunity, the chance to forge a new path for the Wild High. New slogans, new potential for frenemies & rivalries, and new chances for shared experience. In addition, something is happening with the Baltimore Crabs, whose claws are still clamped tightly onto the legacy of the Wild High.

The Crabs may drop again; but now we will see what Ascension & the Grand Siesta has created of the Wild High. What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Season 12 to be born?

The post Wild High: The Day After the Ascension appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

Caveats: Will we have a Coffee 3, Afternoon Tea, or some other type of new weather? If so, then ignore the ranks in this post. Pretend we got it 100% right, because if we had KNOWN about the new whatever, we totally would have nailed it. Obviously.

Methodology: The rankings are in reverse order, 4 to 1, based on the aggregate of ranking from Ace Analyst (AA) and Luckey Haskins (LH). In the case of a tied aggregate, we used the tournament seeding as a tiebreaker. Turns out we were in complete agreement this time around. That portends nothing going wrong with these rankings. Let’s get to the HUBRIS— I mean, POWER RANKINGS.

Society Data Witches

Tournament Seed: #9
Avg. Hitting Stars — 3.56
Rotation Stars — 2.0 • 3.5 • 2.5 • 3.5 • 1.5
Round 1 Power Ranking: 16 (Luckey, Ace)
Round 2 Power Ranking: 4 (Luckey), 6 (Ace)

Round 3 Power Ranking: 4 (Ace, Luckey)

AA: Yes, the Data Witches have continually defied expectations, so there’s definitely an argument to be made to put them higher on the list. However, whether it’s been luck, skill, or one big data crime, I can’t quite see the Witches pulling off a Finals appearance. They looked pretty shaky against Atletico Latte, probably the weakest team in Round 2, and now they’ll have to face an elite title contender in FWXBC. Don’t worry, though: they’ll still be my favorite team, no matter Witch team wins.

LH: If we don’t rank the Data Witches at the bottom, how can they dominate this round? We listed them as a favorite against the Latte, and you saw how close that was. The Society showed that they might be regressing to a mean last week. They also showed that odds against you are actually in your favor, and being a favorite is detrimental to success. Thus, I wish them success by ranking them fourth out of four.

Club de Calf

Tournament Seed: #7
Avg. Hitting Stars — 3.56
Rotation Stars — 4.0 • 2.0 • 3.5 • 3.5
Round 1 Power Ranking: 12 (Luckey, Ace)
Round 2 Power Ranking: 6 (Luckey), 5 (Ace)

Round 3 Power Ranking: 3 (Ace, Luckey)

AA: Like the Data Witches, Club de Calf has consistently defied expectations and won two close series in a row. However, the Club has beaten higher ranked teams and has better star ratings (which, at this point, doesn’t seem to count for much, but still). Additionally, Inter Xpresso — for all their bracket-busting — still appear to be an easier matchup than the mighty FXWBC. However, it’s certainly not an easy road for de Calf; they’ve got a chance, but be calful with this pick. (ok i’ll stop).

LH: If we were ranking teams based solely on their emoji and their amount of Goobie Ballson, Club de Calf shoots to number one. Since we’re supposed to take ALL factors into account, I can only put them at number three. They have their rotation in a better position this round, and they are the ultimate comeback kids. If their series goes to another Game 5, I fully expect to see de Calf in the finals. But that Game 4 matchup looks so heavily in Xpresso’s favor, I’m giving the edge to the X factor.

Inter Xpresso

Tournament Seed: #14\
Avg. Hitting Stars — 3.72
Rotation Stars — 5.5 • 3.5 • 4.0 • 3.0 • 4.0
Round 1 Power Ranking: 8 (Luckey), 5 (Ace)
Round 2 Power Ranking: 3 (Ace, Luckey)

Round 3 Power Ranking: 2 (Ace, Luckey)

AA: Xpresso, who I had 5th in our initial power rankings, continue to climb after knocking out Heavy FC in 4 games. They’ve got a slightly tougher slate than FWXBC, as Club de Calf has already knocked out two pretty strong teams, but Xpresso, who have a solid rotation and a star-studded lineup, show no signs of letting up. This is a team that really knows how to Xpress their talent, and it might just earn them a trip to the finals. (ok i’ll actually stop).

LH: Can’t stop, won’t stop. Am I referring to my colleague’s wordplay, or the Inter Xpresso juggernaut? A balanced rotation, a solid if top-heavy lineup with Holden Stanton providing 4* quality at the bottom half, and a pedigree of defeating skilled teams. Xpresso are fully capable of wrapping up Round 3 in dominant fashion, and they probably need to. Club de Calf is notorious for hanging around and escaping with the series win. If Inter Xpresso can weather the unknowns of Round 3 & keep the series to four games or less, the Finals are in their sight.

FWXBC

Tournament Seed: #5
Avg. Hitting Stars — 3.83
Rotation Stars — 5.0 • 4.0 • 3.5 • 3.5 • 4.5
Round 1 Power Ranking: 2 (Ace), 1 (Luckey)
Round 2 Power Ranking: 1 (Ace, Luckey)

Round 3 Power Ranking: 1 (Ace, Luckey)

AA: I ranked them #1 last time, and I see no reason not to do it again. FWXBC dominated fellow powerhouse Milk Proxy Society in Round 2, and face the surprising but uneven Data Witches in the Foamy Four. As we’ve said before, this team has one of, if not the most consistent lineup/rotation of the whole tournament, and they’ve been playing like it, too. If they’re really an ex-blaseball club, it’s only because they’re playing a whole different splort.

LH: The Flat White had been my pick to win it all since the beginning, which means I’m really worried to see them against the Society Data Witches. The rotations are aligned in such a way that FWXBC’s significant advantage is slightly diminished. Despite my jitters, FWXBC has been such a model of consistency on their march to the Finals, white flag held high, and I don’t see them faltering here. With that vote of confidence, I commit these power rankings to the realm of Hubris.

The post Blaseball Prospectus Coffee Cup Power Rankings, Round 3 appeared first on Blaseball News Network.

After an exciting Round 2 of the Coffee Cup, while Late Night Blaseball was in full swing, the Commissioner nonchalantly dropped a new piece of canon.

Uhh? Who is “lootcrates”? Or, what is “lootcrates”? For a few moments. Blaseball Twitter was utterly in the weeds with the “lootcrates” thing. Until Blaseball Prospectus discovered the existence of Lōotcrates, the “Official Historian of Internet League Blaseball.”

…

Wait. What?

Long Live The Commissioner

Before we answer that, we need to figure out how we ended up at that question. Let’s start with the Fantastickal Death of Parker(s) MacMillan.
(If you took a break from blaseball during the Grand Siesta and are just now reading this, welcome! A lot has happened. It’s okay.)

During the events of the Discord trials, Mills v MacMillan III (and Other Miscellaneous Related Suits), one thing lead to another and Ump Pope Sunman tried to incinerate a bot that was simulating the Commissioner, Parker MacMillan III. On Twitter, the Commissioner’s account (@blaseball) went blank.

Shortly thereafter, the account would be run by Parker MacMillan IIII. Facts around the succession were sparse, but this new Parker was everyone’s best friend. We accepted the change in Commissioner. He even got to play for Real Game Band in the Coffee Cup. Until…

Parker disappeared from the game, and from Twitter. The next morning, we were greeted by Parker MacMillan IIIII, whose Commission-ing style seemed a little rough, initially. He was still doing a good job.

This succession of Parkers created a lot of discussion in the community around the nature of the Commissioner. What ever happened to Parkers I-III? Were these distinct individuals with coincidental names? Was there a collective memory? Was Parker an AI who got a new version each time he had to reboot? Was he like some sort of being who regenerated as a different personality, but retained memories of previous iterations? Did he come from the field of eggs?

When one blaseball journalist poked at this anthill, he would accidentally discover something (or someone) else entirely.

The Discovery of Lōotcrates

It started innocently enough with my colleague and fellow Blaseball Prospectus writer, Ace Analyst, simply using a phrase that had been coined by a previous Parker. During Round 2 of the Coffee Cup, there were brief issues with the blaseball.com site, and Ace let everyone know the site was working properly again. In doing so, he accidentally stumbled upon A Thing:

As far as we knew at the time, the various Parkers MacMillan were distinct individuals who inhabited a shared role. There were theories as to what relations one Parker might have to another, but this particular interaction required a follow-up. Was Parker IIIII indicating that Ace was taking over a duty/phrase used by folks in the Commissioner role, or was Parker expressing a memory that could only belong to a previous Parker?

Not content with that answer, Ace asked the Commissioner something in a previous Parker’s own words.

Because this second follow-up occurred as the Coffee Cup was heating up, these queries went unanswered for hours. We’ll come back to them.

…And now a brief interlude of related things that happened prior to that question’s fateful answer…

During the intense excitement of the second round of the Coffee Cup, @Paranundrox mused about how vital the work of SIBR, wiki admins, and the work of similar individuals is to the current meta, community, and narrative of blaseball.

(As an aside, I wholeheartedly agree with their thoughts. What I do as a blaseball journalist is fundamentally built upon these resources. Plus, the discussions they generate are intriguing, and the interactions that result are delightful.)

A number of folks on Twitter chimed in around this thread. One response, in particular, will seem more than just a coincidence for what happened later in the evening.

…This concludes the brief interlude of related things, now back to…

The Discovery of Lōotcrates

After the dramatic conclusion to Game 5, Ace decided that the events of earlier that evening needed to be teased out:

Naturally, this restarted the discourse around the nature of Parkers and the possibility of a collective Commissioner consciousness, among other theories. It was then that Parker IIIII returned to that question from many hours earlier, providing a response. “Before what?”

This, in turn, prompted another round of discussion amongst Late Night Blaseball, which was starting to go to bed. It was after midnight, in the Eastern time zone of the U.S. Then, an hour later (after 1:00 am EST), the Commissioner posted something completely unexpected.

The shockwave of confusion rippled across Twitter. Notifications buzzed, BNN came back online, folks paused in their bedtime rituals to say one thing, the thing that we so often think but especially at this moment:

When the confusion reigned, ILB Ambassador Cat Manning made a self-deprecating joke that would prove prophetic:

Only a few minutes after Parker name-dropped someone or something that seemed out of nowhere, Dallas Steaks’ assistant coach August Mina discovered what Parker was getting at. Lōotcrates was a someone. Probably. Or at least a Twitter account.

There it was, in all its resplendent blue-checkmark glory. They had no tweets, followed only the Microphone and the Commissioner, but had seemingly been there for a while. Lōotcrates.

The Morning After

The immediate aftermath was still one of confusion, but a more canonical, “oh I get it (I don’t get it)” style of confusion many of us were used to. As people woke up (or never went to bed), questions began to be asked. Pieces began to be put together, more or less. First up, before we go back to bed: Ambassador, that was an oddly prophetic joke earlier. DOT DOT DOT

Are you sure? That joke seemed REALLY on the nose. Right, SIBR?

Okay, good to know it’s just your run-of-the-mill Ambassador Cat cursed to utter true prophecies.

This is about the time that we recalled the tweet from Stephen earlier in the night, the one about “working on stuff”? How long has Lōotcrates been lurking on Twitter?

Excellent! That answers, well, nothing really. What else do we know about this suddenly-official historian, anyway? What’s their style?

One last thing: is there anything else we should know about Herodotus, who seems to have influenced Lōotcrates?

Okay then. Let’s see if we have this straight:
In a blaseball era where we now have a line of successors as Commissioner, and an ancient Coin leading the operations, we now have an Official Historian who cops their style from an ancient source. This lurking Lōotcrates has not tweeted, we know nothing of their true function, and we were alerted to their presence by asking the Commissioner about remembering “before.”

Everything’s fine.

It’s probably fine.

The post Blaseball Now Has Lootcrates appeared first on Blaseball News Network.